Lost in the Chaos

Mid-December and I still have no idea where I am! 

What a year! I've been unwell about 1/3 of the year, maybe a bit more. My RA has rampantly misbehaved and forced me onto steroids for a month. I had a horrible stomach virus that sent me to the ER. When have they not? 

I wrote a lot but finished nothing. I crocheted a lot and finished most of my projects, but I still have a major project to complete this week. 

David moved back home, got a job, and will move into his own apartment in January. He's doing well. Mike started working with a roadside service and is doing well, despite having some severe stomach problems that we can't identify yet. He's due for tests in January. Sarah came home in January 2024, but left in December. Her mom moved back after having a stroke that left her in a wheelchair and is paralysed on her right side. She's in therapy and I've helped by giving her rides to the doctor's office. Sarah will live with her, I think. 

I know other things happened, but those are the high points. Other chaos was probably minor.

I've been reading my Bible more. Studying it a bit more in depth. I began writing a Christian based project. We'll see. The RA flared, and I stalled out on it. I got past that, had a short section that just lit me up, wrote it down and a week later realized it stunk. Par for the course. I'll be working on that. 

I've moved things around a bit because David needed a closet, storage of his personal items, and items he bought for his apartment. This cramped us quite a bit. Once he moves out, I'll be painting the spare room and making it a sewing room - again. I plan to buy a simple roll-away bed for any company I may have and eliminate the twin I have in there. 

That will open up the den/dining room again. I feel I'm running a hostel, but you know, God answers in strange ways. I had financial problems at the end of last year, and two people moved in. It has helped immensely. I'm never going to be back on a sound footing. I can't work and retirement doesn't pay well. 

This could be the last post for 2024. The next couple of weeks will be hectic. So, I'm going to close this post with many thanks for anyone who has followed along, stopped by because you wanted to or by accident. I love writing the blogs. They are an outlet and blogs found me several friends in the early days. These days, few people comment, and the Google platform doesn't tell me who most visitors are. But thank you whoever you are and wherever you are. I'm in several places, so check the icons at the top and visit me. Let me know you came from here. 

Merry Christmas everyone. Christmas Day is one that Christians reclaimed to symbolically celebrate the day of our Savior's birth. He wasn't born on December 25th, and frankly, we have no definitive date. But we chose to celebrate Jesus coming to earth on the 25th. As for me, I celebrate Jesus every day of the year because every single day belongs to God.

A Bottle of Whine

Happening this week: Existential Crisis!

"An existential crisis is a period when a person questions the meaning of life, their purpose, and their identity. It can also involve feelings of confusion, anxiety, and stress that can disrupt a person's normal functioning and lead to depression. " This paragraph is AI generated.

Well, it happens a lot. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm not actually aware that this is what it is until I stop to examine it. They say it's good for us to have "crises" but personally, I don't see the value of it.

Meaning of life? I have no idea. Purpose? I thought I knew. I was wrong. Identity? Well, I know who I am but I'm not sure it matters. Normal functioning? I'm past normal these days. Into my 30's I could hop a fence in one jump. Now, I have trouble walking to the fence. I'm two years shy of 70. So, what's normal?

I found this: "persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously," from Existential Depression in Gifted People.

Again, not sure what the value of that is. I'm pretty smart, so I've been told, and maybe that is a gift, but it took a lot of hard work on my part to get to that point. And if having a higher intelligence doesn't protect you from anything, there's not much benefit to it. Well, except maybe make more money, but I know crazy folks who are geniuses.

So, that's where I am.

Here's the thing: I'm tired of crises. No, I think I'm sick of them. Death, taxes, children, bills, and, I'm sorry, people. The game of life is no longer fun. I couldn't stand that board game when I was a kid, but my siblings loved it. I expect I was wiser than my years by a stretch. There were things I knew about life and people no kid should know. Life could stink. And that was likely my first existential crisis.

For almost a year now, I've been sick off and on. Joint pain, muscle pain, massive leg cramps at night, trouble walking, and extreme fatigue. These have been my only companions. Sarah came home in January and helps with housework, but when I try to make my bed, I have to stop in the middle of the process just to breathe. I get out of breath when taking the garbage to the street. And yes, I've told my doctors. No. They said nothing. Really. They moved on and never asked for another thing. I believe it's an underactive thyroid. I've got weak nails and my hair has been falling out for a while now. Yes, I've had the basic test, and it's normal. Although there are additional tests, no one proposed them.

So.... moving on.

Finances have been disastrous. Repairs and more repairs. However, if God wills, there's light at the end of this tunnel. I got help from some out-of-state Christian folks to fix the bathroom problem and took in a boarder. I still have a dozen things that need repair. But my days of doing that type of lifting and fixing are over. I simply don't have the strength now. Even Sarah has noticed.

So, here we are, at the end. Please, have a seat and here's the knife for the cheese. I think you've had enough whine.

Solitary Saturday

I've paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. It is such a chore and I wish with all my heart I didn't have to do it. For decades Jerry and I had issues with this. When I managed it we did well. When he managed it, we didn't. Eventually, it became my job. And I learned to despise it. And now, there is no one I can hand it off too, even were I of a mind to do so. But I don't want other people managing my money.

Now that it is done, I have to think about food. I feel Mexican I think. Ariba!

I'm trying something new. I'm posting FROM Blogger to Multiply. I haven't done it that way before but if it works, I may continue. You see, from work I can't access Multiply but I can Blogger. And sometimes, I want to post something and I have to go to my email and sent one to Multiply and one to Blogger. So much easier if I can just send one! And... if by chance I can send one email to Blogger and have it post to Multiply... all the better. Means I'll only be going to Multiply to read the blogs.

I've not been posting much anyway. Lately, I just don't have anything to say. Very sad to think I only blog when live is in a turmoil. Must be the only time things are interesting. I'm truly frustrated about all this money I've had to spend this week with the gas line but it must be done. I also told them to just fix my microwave. It is going to cost $100 total. They had a bench charge of $25 to see what was wrong with it and that will be applied to the bill, so I'll only owe $75. Yes, I know I could have bought a new one for that but probably as nice as mine. I like my microwave and if I get another three years out of it, well, it will be a bargain.

The plumber told me not to buy a new water heater until this one just stops. I told him it was here when I move here and was only a year or so old then. He asked me when I bought the house and when I told him he looked at me and said, "Don't change that out. If you've got 22 years out of a water heater it's a good one." So, thank goodness for that.

I have been crocheting a bit, trying to make Sarah a little shrug for the spring. She has some nice summer dresses but she gets cold some times when she goes to church or other places. So, this should help. We'll see how it goes.

Not much writing done. I've had a lot of really bad pain in my leg and hip and I've had to be in positions that were not conducive to writing. Monday night my Writer's Rules of Engagement writing group will do another Hangout on G+. This is such an awesome feature and I really love it. You can have 10 friends online, on webcams all at one time! Amazing! We had four of us last Monday and we had a blast. I got to "meet" two recent friends from NaNo and of course, my long time friend, Kat was there, too. I think we all enjoyed it and everyone was so excited. We hope that Grammy and Chris can join in this coming Monday. We've got a tentative topic to talk about and some plans on how we'll do this. So, I'm really looking forward to it.

All right. I'm off now to get some things done. Hope you are all having a lovely weekend.