A Bottle of Whine

Happening this week: Existential Crisis!

"An existential crisis is a period when a person questions the meaning of life, their purpose, and their identity. It can also involve feelings of confusion, anxiety, and stress that can disrupt a person's normal functioning and lead to depression. " This paragraph is AI generated.

Well, it happens a lot. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm not actually aware that this is what it is until I stop to examine it. They say it's good for us to have "crises" but personally, I don't see the value of it.

Meaning of life? I have no idea. Purpose? I thought I knew. I was wrong. Identity? Well, I know who I am but I'm not sure it matters. Normal functioning? I'm past normal these days. Into my 30's I could hop a fence in one jump. Now, I have trouble walking to the fence. I'm two years shy of 70. So, what's normal?

I found this: "persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously," from Existential Depression in Gifted People.

Again, not sure what the value of that is. I'm pretty smart, so I've been told, and maybe that is a gift, but it took a lot of hard work on my part to get to that point. And if having a higher intelligence doesn't protect you from anything, there's not much benefit to it. Well, except maybe make more money, but I know crazy folks who are geniuses.

So, that's where I am.

Here's the thing: I'm tired of crises. No, I think I'm sick of them. Death, taxes, children, bills, and, I'm sorry, people. The game of life is no longer fun. I couldn't stand that board game when I was a kid, but my siblings loved it. I expect I was wiser than my years by a stretch. There were things I knew about life and people no kid should know. Life could stink. And that was likely my first existential crisis.

For almost a year now, I've been sick off and on. Joint pain, muscle pain, massive leg cramps at night, trouble walking, and extreme fatigue. These have been my only companions. Sarah came home in January and helps with housework, but when I try to make my bed, I have to stop in the middle of the process just to breathe. I get out of breath when taking the garbage to the street. And yes, I've told my doctors. No. They said nothing. Really. They moved on and never asked for another thing. I believe it's an underactive thyroid. I've got weak nails and my hair has been falling out for a while now. Yes, I've had the basic test, and it's normal. Although there are additional tests, no one proposed them.

So.... moving on.

Finances have been disastrous. Repairs and more repairs. However, if God wills, there's light at the end of this tunnel. I got help from some out-of-state Christian folks to fix the bathroom problem and took in a boarder. I still have a dozen things that need repair. But my days of doing that type of lifting and fixing are over. I simply don't have the strength now. Even Sarah has noticed.

So, here we are, at the end. Please, have a seat and here's the knife for the cheese. I think you've had enough whine.

Pathways

Every day I get a daily Bible verse in my email. Sometimes it doesn't do a thing for me but others I will keep the email in my inbox all day and go back an reread the verse as time permits. Today's verse is one of those. 


Job 23:10-11 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.


I happen to like the Book of Job because it is the one place in the Bible I can identify with someone so strongly that it seems Job and I know one another. In my Bible I have highlighted several verses in Job. In fact this whole chapter is marked because it is one of my most favorite in the Bible. In that one chapter I am Job.


Job 23:3 Oh that I knew where I might find him! that I might come even to his seat!


For some time now, I've been lost. Every path that I would travel has been cut off. I'm not where I was and where I am is unfamiliar territory. There are no familiar landmarks, no smooth roadways, and no one to turn to for help. It would appear that my path is to be traveled alone in alien lands. 


Job 23:8-9  Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:  On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him:


I just don't know which way to turn. More than once I have wanted to just sit down in the road and give up. I can't move in any direction at all because I simply don't know which direction to go because I don't know where I am. 


And yet....He knows exactly where I am. 


Job 23:10-11 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.


There is no Google Earth or Google Maps for me to use on this trip. I only have one resource and too often I forget it.  He doesn't forget me. 


Job 23:13-14 But he is in one mind, and who can turn him? and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth.  For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him.


He knows where I am. He knows the twist and turns in the roads, the highs and lows. He knows the dangers along each route. He knows the blocks across the paths that lie before me. He sees every alternative route long before I reach it. 


Sometimes, when I want to go left, I am forced right. He knows what lies ahead. It is appointed for me. I'm not really lost at all. I just didn't plan the trip.


I do not know why there are dark places in the road, where no light penetrates. I do not know why accidents happen and I am injured or people die. Perhaps it is just the nature of the journey. I only know that there is great comfort in the fact that He knows where I am. And even though it seems I am lost in a strange land, He knows how I got there and where I'm going next.