You'll Be Fine

 Do you ever feel uninspired? It's like you're listening for something and no one is talking. This has been happening for a bit and it has become very frustrating. 

To be fair to myself, I haven't been well. I've had a lot of pain and my sleep pattern became a roulette game. I'd sleep for four hrs and wake up. Then, I'd try to fall back asleep but couldn't. Or I'd get up and be up for a couple of hours and have to go back to bed. One day I slept for 12 hours! I was still tired. It was awful and the sleep disorder probably contributed to my pain levels, for which I had no solution.

I prayed, read my Bible, and sat in my chair watching videos for days because I was too tired to do anything else. Well, one day I did wash clothes and put them in the spare room. Yeah, some are still there. Another day, I vacuumed the den. Another day, I swept the kitchen. 

So, I emailed my doctor, and she told me to come in. 

We talked and finagled with my meds a bit, and I have an ultrasound on the 12th to see if my gall bladder needs to be taken out. I suspect it does because I've been having some unusual pain for over a year that no one could explain. About a month ago, I finally looked it up, and it sounded like gall bladder problems. The doctor sent me for lab work. 

I got a note to say the lab work all looked normal. However, I'm not one to take things at face value. Four or five tests were out of the normal range. I always research my blood work if something is out of the normal range. What does it test and what does the number signify? Turns out they could show a gall bladder problem or kidney problem. There were long explanations, but I won't go into all that. I understood the assignment. It required further study. Apparently, both organs can affect one another. More interesting was that a gallbladder problem can cause fatty liver.  

That's interesting because a couple of years ago they found I have fatty liver disease. That shocked the technician because at the last scan, my liver was fine. They told me whatever caused it was sudden, not something that happens with fatty liver.

Hmmm. 

No, I'm not a doctor or a nurse. I just read ridiculous amounts of material and research everything. I learned the hard way that I have to do this with my medical issues. Believe it or not, doctors can't know everything and even if they do, they can't recall it all. They can also overlook the obvious. So, I just save them the trouble. If I see a concern, I call their attention to it. They don't argue with me, either. 

I told my doctor about my suspicions when I saw her and why. My mother, aunt, both my sisters, and a brother all had their gallbladder removed. The doctor said that sometimes this happens in families. 

"I don't want to have my gallbladder removed. I have enough going on without adding something else."

She said, "It doesn't take long, and it's only a few days' recovery time." 

😶

I didn't say it. But I'm immunosuppressed and will need to be off meds for at least two weeks. The lack of medication will cause a higher level of unmanageable pain. I can't take opioids. Oh well. 

😒

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall.