Whine Tasting Weekend

There is no point in moaning about it. I am going to state emphatically that I will never be a good blogger! I just don’t appear to have whatever it takes to keep it going. Actually, I started a post yesterday and something happened to it. Now, I am starting over.

I always put the blog last on the to-do-list and it shows. The last month I have spent time creating new pages for my website, updated and posted updates to the two sites, cut out the fabric for 4 maternity skirts and one blouse and made two of the skirts, gone shopping for maternity clothes for my daughter-in-law, I have worked 40 hours a week, and done housecleaning on the weekends. My RA has been very painful and I have worked in pain. There is no relief for it, so it seems.

I take 500 mg naproxen sodium twice a day for the RA and it usually takes the edge off. This month, the pain has been an endless expanse. Friday night, finally, I took a doxepin. I was prescribed this antidepressant about 15 years ago for migraine headaches and insomnia. It helps balance the serotonin in the brain. It worked wonders and I didn’t have to take it every day, only as needed. In the last couple of years, the doctors want me to take it every night before bedtime to help me sleep better and keep me from having so many headaches. I have not done that but I discovered Friday night that my pain was less on Saturday morning than usual. By the evening, it had worn off. So, I took another Saturday night. Today is Sunday and the pain is just as bad as it has been for weeks. I am tired of making the effort.

Everything is pushed aside for pain. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to write, and I don’t want to be around people. I have to pretend everything is ok or I am a whiner. I have to smile when I feel like collapsing in the floor and screaming or I am depressing to everyone around me. I want to cry but the cistern where they are stored is dry. It doesn’t help at all. Even writing this sounds like I am complaining. That makes me feel worse.

I got so angry last night with Jerry because he had done nothing while I worked overtime yesterday, Saturday. He was supposed to do several things and none were done. He sits in the chair all day, drugged out of his mind on morphine. All his trips are in his mind and he doesn’t even know it.

They are weaning him off Lortabs with the morphine. They have already stopped the Lortabs and upped the morphine. I expect them to start reducing the morphine in a few weeks. He took pain meds for two years for the problem with his back. And he is an addictive personality. He has lost 30 pounds since his surgery but morphine takes away appetite. I have no doubt that once they take him off the drug that he will gain it back.

He was not supposed to pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk for three months but that doesn’t mean he can’t do other things. He never gets out and walks like they told him. He just sits in his chair and sleeps with the television going. That’s why I know the weight loss is not natural. I have told him he is supposed to walk but he won’t do it. He has taken two walks since December to the end of the street once (two houses down) and another about twice that far.

I guess I am just worn out. I stopped feeling appreciated years ago and I have learned to deal with it as a part of life. I stopped taking my sense of worth from everyone around me. But you get tired, you know. Trying to make sure all the bills are paid, that there is enough food in the house, that the house is clean, and that repairs are done, taxes filed, and appointments are kept. I am doing everything and frankly, some things are beginning to slip. I no longer care if the kitchen floor ever gets fixed, or why the washer is pouring oil by the gallon on the rotten floor in the laundry room or if the spray nozzle ever gets screwed back on, if the leak around the side door is dealt with, or if the cabinets in the garage are ever installed. Today, I want to walk and see what else is out there. Tired doesn’t begin to encompass it.