Down in the Dumps Day

It's Wednesday. I'm feeling better physically, except I am really tired because I'm still having problems with the Bipap machine. The truth is, I'm depressed today and I don't even know why. I should not be depressed because I feel better. I am rather scared to admit it but even the nerve pain in my left arm is not as bad today. So feeling depressed seems foolish.

It's probably the lack of sleep or proper sleep that's causing this. I don't know what else I can do about it. I used a new mask last night and it did not help. I guess I just keep trying.

I am supposed to see my new primary care today. I don't think that would make me depressed but one never knows. I'm hoping it works out better than the one I've been using. She's a very nice doctor but I just think she's too inexperienced and I have some pretty severe problems. I really wish I could find another Dr. Like Dr. Beckman. The guy I see today is actually a fairly good doctor. I have used him years ago. I'm just really tired of having to find doctors that don't treat me like I'm an idiot. Of course, things have changed, and he may treat me that way, too.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I've been sitting here all morning feeling down and too tired to do anything. I don't think writing this will help me feel better and I really don't know what will. Sarah has been with her other grandparents this week and I am really missing her. Maybe that's why I'm depressed. When she's here, she's a lot of work but it is work I enjoy and her company keeps me from thinking too much about things that actually do depress me.

At any rate, I'll stop this here. I have nothing else to say and there's no point in going on and on about how rotten I feel today.

More of the Same

Things have been rather slow since I got back from Arkansas. My RA has been at near peak performance for months and I've grown a bit weary of it. A good day here and there is never enough relief. The barrage of storms that continue to roll across S. Indiana are a constant source of pain and the pain keeps me exhausted.

They are once again going to adjust my Cpap machine to try and reduce my apnea events. Obviously, I'm having too many. Is this why I'm tired? Who knows. I'm in constant pain, usually moderately severe. I sleep in pain and I wake in pain. You don't rest like that. So, I don't know if the adjustment will help.

And no, the Humira has not helped. They said six months to see a change. I'm 3 months in. Very little improvement, if any, is noted. In fact, I see signs of things worsening. I'm gaining weight because I can barely walk most days and have less strength in my legs and arms. Jars present Olympic challenges. Any work performed robs me of days of energy.

Reading is difficult because concentration is bad. Writing is difficult for the same reason and my hands hurt. Sitting hurts my back after long periods but walking hurts my hips. I actually feel better mentally when I can get some exercise if joint pain doesn't make it impossible to bear.

This has been a year of hell. I'm not usually a quitter but I've stopped fighting. It isn't going to get better. I don't want to think about what it is going to become.

One Step, Two Step

Once in the Atlanta International Airport I remember seeing someone going the wrong way on the automatic pedestrian walkways. The weren't making good progress.

There's no point in pretending. Some days are just going to be that kind of day.  You know, where you think you're doing great only to find, at the end of the day that you were moving backward all the time.

I have some personal matters to take care of and I simply don't have the time to do it. I can't get time off for anything except doctor's appointments. Today it struck me that everything seems to be working against me in accomplishing something positive. I'm taking two steps back for every one I take forward. 

Tonight I simply crashed when I realized I had two things that simply must be completed this week and tomorrow is Thursday. I need to be where there is a phone and I can talk without someone eavesdropping on my calls. I am across the hall from the supervisor and if I close my door, even a little, he will barge in without knocking. I don't know what he thinks I'm going to be doing but there have been a few times when I really wish I'd had my skirt up adjusting my pantyhose. I'd have a case then for sexual harassment because he does it frequently. We've caught him several times eavesdropping on conversations when he came down a hallway and stood around the corner of a room. 

What did you say? Oh, yes, he is.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit hopeless about everything. I know that I'll feel better when the weekend arrives but I'm hoping that the weather won't punish me for it. It has done so every weekend for the last month or so. Hands are a bit better today but I'm putting something on them every four hours. I can't keep loading my system on this stuff. 

I sat and watched t.v. all evening. Totally wasted my time. I'm tired and feeling very stressed. I don't have an outlet for that. A few times I thought about writing. Once I went out and walked around looking at the plants in the back yard and wondered what I was thinking. I don't know. I like planting things and growing things. Once started I tend to go overboard. If I don't get some trellises up by the weekend, I'm going to have a mass of vines all over the place. The stuff is growing at an astounding rate.

I think I've got some sun sensitivity going on. I haven't really gotten blistered but I keep getting bright red and one of the side effects of metholtrexate is sun sensitivity. I'm not a happy camper. Everything I enjoy is being slowly taken away from me and it is very, very frustrating. 

I'm headed to bed now. I just decided to stop the depressing post and get some sleep. I'm tired and that's probably why I'm bummed. That and the fact that I have stuff I must get done yesterday!

Night, Night

I'm calling it a night. I've had soup and sat and watched a couple of Midsomer Murders episodes. Those things are an hour and a half long! That without commercials. Takes forever to get through one. But I do like them. I'm on season 10.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Stomach is uncertain. Some symptoms have gone but I still don't feel very well. I am hoping that sleep will set everything right. I hope I can sleep. Last night wasn't so good. I rather wish I'd been able to take a nap today but I couldn't seem to get there. Just felt so rotten.

I'm also feeling rather depressed. I don't know why. Could be everything that is going on in my life. Uncertain job, some family issues, and not feeling well... all a recipe for depression. So, I'm off to bed and then work tomorrow. I'm now a day behind again and that's never good.

I was looking at my post count for this year. I have 25 post for 2013. Last year by this time I had about three times that. I always had a goal of one post a day. It has never seemed to work. Things just get in the way. Or I have nothing to say.

So, I'll say good night.