All A Mistake

I spent a lot of time running around but even more time at home alone with my ghosts. But only had two episodes where I fell apart, well, three if you count the one in the middle of this post. I'm rather tiresome that way but they were not long in duration nor violent in nature.

I have had the worst headache today. The first in months actually. It just won't quit. Short of an imitrex, which I am always afraid to take when I am alone, I see no end in site. I'm going to bed soon and hope that sleep will cure it.

I didn't go to church this morning. I did go get stationery to make wedding invitations. And while I was out, I went to the Mid-month NaNo Party/Write-In. I had lunch with the writers there and I thought that might make the headache better since I had not eaten much. It got better briefly but came back with a vengance. I came home half an hour early and made the invitations and sent them to church with Mike for Sis. V. I am quite proud of them if I do say so. They looked really pretty. After he left, I had a brief meltdown. Altogether, not really a very good week.

I'm just so tired of all this pain. Jerry never understood it and wanted me to find a pill to help me and I couldn't. Some days he couldn't even hug me. I couldn't hold hands because my hands hurt most of the time.

Now, I am just very tired of it. It has done nothing but wreck my whole life. Everything decision I make has to be checked by what hurts. Can I do that? Will I be able to participate? Will I be able to be civil? Will that hurt me tomorrow? And usually, the answer is no, I can't. And if I ignore that, I pay a high price. I have to go to work tomorrow, no matter how badly this hurts because there is no one to take care of me.

Tonight, I just want it to all go away. I want to wake up in October 2008 and everything since not to have happened. I want Jerry to be in the next room getting ready for bed and I'm sitting here getting ready for NaNo 2008. I want to wake up and it all be a bad dream that I can put in a book that will end up a best seller and I won't ever have to work again.

Mostly, I want my life back. I want my husband back. I want time to back up one whole year and let me try and stop this nightmare from happening. I want God to say he made a mistake.

And fix it.