Monday, May 18, 2009

Winding Down

Monday is closing out. What a busy day it was, too. I was late getting to work because I had to go take Mike's birth certificate to the Social Security office. I wasn't about to let them have the original. They made a copy.

Once I got to work, about 2 hours late. I skipped lunch and worked all day. I did get my desk relatively cleaned off but I know it will pile up quickly if I let my guard down. I am working on getting all the bits and pieces processed before I leave. I dread coming back after a vacation of any kind. It just builds up so badly.

The day was beautiful but I've been down since yesterday. I can't seem to get very happy for long. I did start a new puzzle. I did the sorting tonight. I don't know if I will be able to do much before I leave but I will have it out so I can work on it as I feel the need to distance my mind.

It really isn't very good, you know. I can't think of anything I want to do. I don't want for any thing at this point. I have food, shelter, transportation, a job, clothing, every need is met. I have a little money to do little things for my children. I can take Sarah for milkshakes. I can buy her dresses and shoes without thinking about it much. But none of it suffices. It is as if it is all pointless.

There was a time when doing something to the house would excite me. Jerry and I would plan, gather materials, and then set to work fixing something up. We'd always argue somewhere in the process but we would keep working until we got it done and then stand back and smile at how good a job we did. We'd be so excited to have done something. We've done floors, walls, plumbing, everything you can think of here. We loved our house and loved doing things around here. It doesn't look like much now but we envisioned a lovely home. Dreams that never came true for us.

I find myself wanting to do those things and looking at the job and realizing that it doesn't matter. Even if I get it done, there is no excitement or fun in the job or completed process. It will be nice. It just doesn't matter much.

I'm start going trying to writing again. I finished chapter 43 of Mist last night. I started chapter 43 before Jerry died. I let Alice know it was done and she emailed to say she had read it and liked it. But she loves Mist. I have no idea why. Lord, I remember when I started that thing it was just an exercise in writing and never intended for public consumption, never mind a 75,000 word story! That is the longest novel I've ever written so it would be stupid not to complete it. I would like to get the rest of it done now. I still don't have much concentration for more than blogging. I was just beginning to get focused when life turned over and poured out everything.

I'm still thinking about a laptop. I don't know what is the best way to go. I like the idea of carrying it with me so I can write anywhere but the question now is, will I? I don't now. I'm scared to spend $800 on a laptop that I won't use.

I'm going to shower now and try to get settled for the night. I've forgotten my pills again so I'll do that now. Have a good night.

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