Sunday, May 3, 2009

Sunday Morning Pains

I didn't go to church this morning. Today, physical pain is the issue. I overslept and felt as if someone had run over me. I'm a mess. It gets better over the course of the day once I am up and if I take it easy, but it always destroys the last hour or so of rest, which is always one of the most beneficial.

You know, church is the hardest for me? I can hardly bear to go. I look for the spot my husband would stand during praise service or where he sat during preaching (we always sat on the third pew but if I'm behind that pew I keep looking at the third one.) He isn't there and it is terrible. He so loved church and I always did, too, but now, I can't bear to be there. But I want to go so I am ripped up every time I leave.

And I have no idea what else will set me off. I will feel great but hear a song from my earlier married life and feel as if I'm dying. Or I see photo of someplace we've been. Couples holding hands, laughing, talking, at lunch together.

Even m walking through a store he loved to shop at last night was horrendous. I went to The Family Christian Bookstore to purchase a new Bible cover and tried to shop. I went to the bookshelves to look at books and felt I couldn't breath then went to the back where the Bibles and covers are. I looked for maybe 30 minutes but found nothing and just had this depression set in.

I left when I couldn't find what I wanted. Then, I went to The Vineyard, another Bible store down the street a few blocks. I found a pretty cover and bought it but the experience was not enjoyable. He loved shopping at these stores and at both I have memories of our going there. I bought him gifts for Birthday's and Christmas there, on occasion. He liked the ties and coffee mugs.

I found a Bible I asked them to put on hold for me. I hate buying a new Bible. I know where everything is in my old one. Jerry bought me this one, too. He'd bought several over the years so one isn't really more special in that sense but this would be the first one I've bought on my own in many, many years. They will hold it for several days. Since I have a new cover I may just keep my old one. The cover is wearing at the spine. I suppose that is a good thing, to wear out a cover. The spine is worn off at the top and bottom. I always get Bonded Leather and Jerry would fuss about it. "Leather is better. It won't do that," he'd say. "Yes, I know but it cost twice as much." I'd argue.

That's probably why I've worn out three in about 40 years. I still have the first "real" Bible I ever got. I won it for bringing the most people to Sunday School. The whole front cover is off it. I used it until after I married. Jerry bought me another in 1980 and that cover wore out, too. I'm on the third now. I can't remember when he bought it because he didn't date it but it was after we moved into this house in 1990.

I have many passages marked in my Bible and always have to transfer them to the new one. They are things I go back and read often. I think I may start a posting theme called What's Marked in My Bible. That might be interesting.

I am going now to find something to occupy me. When my mind dwells on Jerry too much the day grows very dark, no matter how good the memory. At this point, no memory is very good for me. They are all knives stabbed into my chest.


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