Saturday, May 23, 2009

Mindless and Careless

Some days it feels as if you are just losing your mind. Or as if you are walking around with part of your limbs missing. I've never lost a limb. I've heard about phantom pain and how it nearly drives the amputee crazy at times. Now I understand much better.

Today I haven't eaten. I just remembered to take my meds about 30 minutes ago. I can't seem to do my bank statement, that I only remember this morning. It has been lying here since the first week of May. How could I not remember? I have an error somewhere and I can't find it. That is poetic justice.

I have no energy to even get out of this chair, no desire to actually do anything. Not even post to the blog.

In my case, I feel as if there is this huge vacancy in every area of my life. I try and plan interesting things that will get me out of the house, out of my chair, out of my head but when I finish, I just don't care. I really don't care if the house gets repaired. I can't do it and I don't know who can and I don't care. I need to buy groceries, not many but a few. I don't care. I need to put away the towels but I don't care if they are put away or rot in the basket. There's laundry washing and drying but it will probably sit there for hours or days. Or until I find the energy to deal with it. I don't really care.

Everyone says, "It gets better." "You're better." I really want to say you don't know what you're talking about. I just smile a mummer, "I know."

YOU DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. No one knows.

Did you ever hear the story about the little boy who stood in front of a cave and called out and was shocked when he heard a voice coming back at him. He wanted to know who it was and was told it was his own voice. He didn't believe it. He believed it was someone in the cave mocking him.

I don't hear anything. Not even the sound of my own voice.

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