If you begin to notice a pattern to the verses marked in my Bible, it will be that most, if not all of them relate to broken hearts, depressed spirits, and sadness.
I don't relate a lot of my past here but there was much to be sad about, there was a lot to be depressed over, and a lot of heartaches. Life has been a long series of challenges that often left me in a state of depression. That cycle reached a peak in 1998 and was only overcome by my faith.
Always I would find these verses, like gemstones strewn across my path, and I would mark them in colors. I'd go back to them again and again in times of stress.
During this time since Jerry's death, there are have been several times that I opened my Bible and "stumbled" across one of these marked passages, again like gems strewn in my path. I always pick them up and look at them.
No, they don't make me feel better. They do not relieve my grief, absolve my feelings of guilt, dry my tears, nor comfort me in the usual sense of the word. It would be foolish to expect that and to say they do would just be a lie. Those things only come over time and through a lot of effort on our part.
No, these marked verses serve simply as reminders. A reminder that what happens in life can't be avoided, neither good or bad. I don't know why my life has been filled with some of the difficulties I've faced. I know that I made a decision as a young girl that I wanted to live life, in all its variety, to the fullest. I remember asking God to let me experience life. I can't very well fault him for answering my prayers. I just don't always like what I experience. Nor do I know why he allows me to be stupid about a lot of things, never showing me until it is too late. But when I am in my right mind, as I seem to be at this moment, I know that what I asked for is what I have been given.
To appreciate the sweet, you must know and understand bitterness. To appreciate a sunny day, you must endure storms. To enjoy a warm day you have to endure severe cold. You can't live without extremes because if you do, you won't understand the relief that comes afterward.And you won't know any joy at all.
Amidst all the turmoil of my early life, the struggles of my married life, and the torment of my current life, I know beyond all doubt that I have been blessed. Always, throughout my whole lift I have been able, particularly after the crisis, to see the hand of God directing every path, even the most nightmarish paths, through the darkest vales. I often can't see him, feel him, or hear him in this place. I just know he sent me into it. I don't like it. I just love him.
You may doubt many things about religion, Christians, and the Bible. I can only tell you what I know. There is a hand that directs us all. Some take hold of it and are lead. Others take it but must be dragged along. Still others slap it away, preferring their own path. But the hand is always extended and waiting.
I hold on with both hands and close my eyes. He sees better than I.
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