Friday Free?

Took the day off! I have things I really want to do and a Saturday just isn't enough time.

I suppose if you asked me directly how things were... I'd say life, in general, isn't much fun. I've discovered that there are brief moments when you can totally drown out the voices or the movies that run continually in your head. But to do that all the time is impossible and would be so exhausting that you couldn't survive. I don't have the capacity to do it as much as I need. Not sure if anyone would. I sort of just do what I can. I'm pretty sure it is why I've decided on an aggressive writing plan. I was insanely busy for November and managed to drown out everything. People around me hated it because they couldn't get through. Now, that's done, I need to stop that bitch in my brain from her infernal prattling and screaming. I don't want to think. Or if I do, I don't want to think about my life or lack of. I'll make one up and solve someone else's problems.

There is the very real instinct to run. All right, that makes no sense but it's true. There is, and has been for a while, this instinct to run, find a cave, and simply stay there and avoid prying eyes and questions and... all of it. Impossible, I know. I hate the empty house and my vacant life. For those of you who think children are a comfort to widows, you're full of crap. They aren't. They weren't ever meant to be and that's another example of stupid assumptions. They don't know how to do anything about it. They try but when they see it doesn't work they give up. I adore my family but this kind of just destroyed it. We have a hard time doing the things we did before because there's always this empty chair and no one wants to face it. So we don't. I don't ever to expect to have any of that back. I'm not even pursuing it because it is too much effort.

I have not decided if I'll put up my tree or not. I would like to but it is also too much effort and absolutely no fun at all for me anymore. I've done it all my life but it has suddenly became unimportant. I can remember helping Mama decorate the tree. Then I can remember when she told me I could do it all by myself. She would sit and watch me. I remember decorating it with Jerry. He'd help string the lights, put the hooks in and hand me things and I'd decorate the tree. I remember the boys learning to decorate the tree and then I remember coming home from work and David had the tree up and was waiting for me to get the lights sorted out so he could put the decorations on while I supervised him. Next, I remember coming in from work and he had it nearly done. I remember Sarah's first Christmas where she really noticed the lights and toddled around oohing and ahhing over them and all the little things I had near the bottom of the tree. My tree is always child friendly with decorations that appeal to children and tend to be a bit funny, like Santa with his feet in a tub of hot water and a hot water bottle on his head and wrapped in a blanket, or the cat hanging from a wreath.

I don't remember if I put it up after Jerry died. I don't think I did....I have a couple of times since but this year.. don't know. Anyway, I've made no move to bring any of it in. I even have a Christmas village.. haven't put that up in years because I had no room to do so.

I have running to do today and Sue has not come to clean. Not sure why so may have to call her. I don't want to be here while she cleans. It bugs me because I feel unsettled and as if I should be cleaning, too. She doesn't need the distraction of me hovering. I'd hate it.

I have plans to get Sarah today. That will be a bit hectic but at least I will be occupied with other things. So, I have nothing else to complain about I'm off to do my errands.