Gray Matter

Thursday dawned... scratch that. Thursday didn't dawn... it morphed. Everything went from black to a blanket of gray. Heavy fog greeted me when I lifted the garage door. It was cold but not miserably so, in fact, warmer than yesterday and damp. And now, at 2 p.m . it still looks like it did this morning, but the fog has lifted slightly... but it is all gray.

I am still coughing, although less than before and the stuff in my chest has decided to release, allowing my lungs to clear a bit more with each cough. 

Now, my head must be the fountain of youth because my nose is a running spring. I didn't realize you could hold that much stuff inside your sinus cavities. It is horrendous and until this week the nose wasn't even an issue! I blew my nose over the weekend and it went into the Eustachian tube (runs between your ear and throat to allow your ears to drain) and nearly fell over with a horrendous dizzy spell. This is a totally new thing to me. I've never had such an experience as that and and find if I never do again. It took ten minutes for that to pass and for days now I've been having mild balance issues and trouble hearing. Several times the stuff was pushed into my ear when I had to blow my nose. Really unpleasant and I seem to have no way to prevent it...well, I did start blowing in a different manner to try and prevent it - with only moderate success. Although why it is going backwards when I'm blowing forward makes no sense.

Mike is also sick with the same thing. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway and it is a good thing. 

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it is productive. Although, I haven't been writing the last two weeks it is always helpful to run ideas by everyone. I think all but one of us will be there tonight. Unless someone backs out.

I sat and worked on Saran's spread last night until about 9:15 a.m. It is going to be really colorful and so pretty. I'm eager to get it finished but at the rate I'm going it is going to be several months. Each square takes me a couple of hours. I'm at the point that I'm finishing one each night and starting a new one to finish the next night. I keep screwing up in the 3rd thru 6th rows. It is a very frustrating because just as I think I've got it, I find I haven't. These rows are very much alike with a very minor change and it throws me every time. Doesn't help that I'm sick and not really able to focus long. 

All right, back to work now. I hope you are all having a much brighter day than I am. Although, despite the impending terminations I'm not sweating it. I can't change whatever happens. I have sat and counted the cost to me if it is me. It isn't good. But I've been through this before and I'm so tired of it that I think I find it hard to react. I've had a lot happen to me since the last time, horrible things that took more than I could ever imagine from me. I find that these days I simply am unable to care about much else. 

Losing your job is terrible but honestly, there really are worse things that can happen to you. If I could have Jerry back in exchange for this job.... I'd willingly walk out. I'd go back to living in crappy houses with no money and not much else. I seem to remember we were happy in those places, even though we wanted better. Sunday will be three years. How empty life has been that it feels as if it were yesterday.