Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday - Sunny Side Up - Tuesday Not So Much


Two days of sunshine - amazing. The down side is the 37F temperature. It is cold. It was warmer yesterday. I stayed home as I still wasn't feeling well and Mike is still in the midst of that horrible cold. He'd improving faster than I did. We went to lunch together and I stopped by the cemetery briefly. I was fine until I started to leave and I really looked at his name in the stone. The term "carved in stone" has a new meaning and I begin to think it will always be painful, feeling the chisel cut into it, chipping away at me.

I had that horrid dream and my whole day simply followed suit. It was a stupid dream but it was probably a reflection of what was in my mind. The house is filled with Jerry and yet feels as empty as a tomb. It is an odd analogy - empty as a tomb. They aren't for the most part but I think it refers to the fact that the body may lie there but the person is gone. Regardless, the tone of the day was set before I even woke up. I have no idea why. 

Somewhere in all that I even thought that I should sell the house and go somewhere else. I don't really think that is the answer at this point, particularly in light of my wobbly job situation. I just find that there is nothing here for me anymore. I don't have close friends. I don't have much family and those I do have I don't see much. I go to work and I go home. I'm trying to stay involved in things - crochet and writing. But even the writing group is falling away. I think I'm one of those people who has to be absorbed in something to keep my mind occupied. I've considered taking classes but honestly, my mind is not able to keep the way I did nearly 20 yrs ago.

I need to stop whining about it. I need to shut up and get back to writing. That keeps me focused for hours. Physically I'm better. My cold is abating so I can probably do more than lie around like an amoeba. I've had a bit more pain in my neck this week but probably from not sleeping well. I did better last night I think but it is aching. Yesterday I had a bit more pain all over than usual but it could be the weather... oh, that's probably not true. We have these highs sitting on us right now and it is making the day lovely to look at... thru glass. My back and legs bothered me over the weekend too but I'm pretty sure that is from sitting to much. I simply couldn't do anything. I should have gone to church. I'm sure I'd have felt better. Stupid to think I can ignore everything and sit in that empty house alone. Becca called to check on me and I think my sister Phyllis called me briefly. Other than lunch with Mike I saw no one.

I'm dying to go to the beach. I watched something... or saw some photos.. can't remember which, of the ocean and so longed to just lie in warm sand and listen to the waves. I was ready to pack up right then. OH.. Costa Rica.. that's what it was, an advertisement for a Costa Rican vacation. Warm and sunny and the Gulf of Mexico. I don't believe there are many bodies of water that are more lovely than the Gulf. I remember seeing the Atlantic the first time and though how gray and ugly it was and how cold. I love standing on the beach and looking out over the blue, blue Gulf until it blends with the sky. I am homesick and there is no home left there. 

I am going to get back to work. I just needed to get all my thoughts down. The positive aspect of the blog is that I can look back over time and see what was going on and how I was dealing with it. I wish, in a lot of ways, that I'd been a more consistent journalist over the years. I have some journals but there were weeks and sometimes months that I didn't write anything. And they are decidedly depressing. I only wrote when I was down it seems. The online journals tend to be more a reflection of what's normal for most of us... huh, I'm normal.


The afternoon fell apart for me and the evening was spent with Dave, Becca, and Sarah. Crisis seems to bring us together as a family and Becca offered to do some cleaning for me. I sat and watched cartoons with Sarah and crocheted on her spread. I must get some photos posted of the squares. They're really pretty.

This morning loomed gray. I thought it was going to have sunshine because there was a bit of sun through my window but it quickly disappeared before I even left the house. 

Only real pain I have today is that darn shoulder and my neck. I know they are related. I move my arm in a certain motion it hurts and I never know it is going to hurt until it does. The neck ease a bit once I'm up and moving around but again, certain motion and position hurts it. 

I had some bad leg pains late yesterday. I think sitting all day Sunday was the reason. I simply sat all day at home and did very little but read and watch t.v. and I think I crocheted some. Sunday is mostly a blank.

I'm not going to write a lot this morning because I have lots of work to get busy with. I might be back later today or tonight but can't promise. I'm trying not to think about anything at all, a preoccupied mind makes it easier to function.

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