Proximity

I sat up past midnight last night. I didn't actually realize I was doing it. I began downloading posts beginning with the one where Becca posted that Jerry had died. I'm only downloading those that actually have something to do with the Death and my subsequent roller coaster ride with that entity.

I spent a lot of time reading the posts and learning a bit about myself in the process. Some were very difficult to read. Some....I don't know. It was almost as if someone else were writing them. I do not see how any could possibly be of any help to anyone else. And I'm not sure they are worth trying to publish. They are too close to be done with any skill.

But I'm putting them in one document. I'm not even halfway through the first year of posts. Not every post was about grief or death, which seems very odd to me since every waking minute of my life was surrounded by it. I seem to recall that I would actually have a problem at times finding something that wasn't about death or dwelling on my mental state, or the chaos of my emotions. I didn't think I was angry much either but I think there were times I got angry about some things. I was very angry at the way people seemed to ignore me, as if I wasn't there and they didn't care. Not my family and not even the online contacts. The people I saw regularly were the worst, these were people I expected more from but who failed miserably and never even noticed their failure. I got angry at the excuses other, more concerned, made excuses for them. Even me!

Anyway, I'm working on pulling it all together. No promises. There are some stories authors can't write.