The story has stalled out and I'm now two days behind in word count but oddly enough, I'm not going to kill myself over it. I've wanted to kill myself over worse and didn't, so I think I'm safe. What I really wish is that I had gone down a different route. Toooo late!
I'm a bit put out tonight. It's been a very rough week and I'm so far behind in paperwork that I can't even begin to see the end of the mess. I work three days next week and that should be cause for celebration. But when faced with the daunting mound of files and papers... I almost would rather work than face the holiday season.
I absolutely despise this time of year. There is nothing, nothing, nothing good about it. I have this awful dread of two flipping days! Then four days next month. I hate feeling this Damoclean threat. Oh I know it's just emotion. I'm emotional.. go figure! I sat around most of the day and wanted to cry for no reason. Well, there were a few but it wouldn't have taken much. If I'd moved the same stack of files one more time they would have found me bawling in a corner.
Ok, ok, ok. I've felt wonderful for a month. So what's the deal? I....don't....know. I've changed my hair style. Maybe that's is. I'm trying to accept age gracefully. {wild laughter here} No, I'm going kicking and screaming and fighting it every step of the way. Could be hormones but highly unlikely....unless I forgot.
Really, I'm just very sad. That is the only word that sums it up. I want someone to make me laugh. Really laugh and mean it. Not that fake thing I've gotten good at. I'd like to feel something beside a hollow longing for impossible things.
My God, getting out of a grave is much harder than getting in one.
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