Monday, November 14, 2011

Blue Monday

I don't really know why I'm feeling so bummed out. I'm not hurting anywhere, well, not major pain. Manageable stuff. Slight shoulder pain is the most noticeable but the weather has changed over night. It's 72 here today and cloudy. So, I'm guessing a migraine is attempting to get a hold on me.

I'm just overwhelmingly sad. Have been for days. I can laugh about stuff, watch t.v., goof off, play in the forums but there is just this hole blasted in me that I can't seem to fill up. And I do keep trying. I've kept busy with the write-ins and writing every night. All my family has disappeared but that's not the problem. I was busier when I had guests but that only keeps this thing at bay for a short time. They call. I call. 

I keep saying that it will eventually go away. It just won't exist anymore. I go around finding things to do, people to talk to, places to go, whatever. At the end of the day, I'm still sitting here with a crater in my life. Please do not give me platitudes, however well intentioned they are.  I thank you in advance for your compassion. It just doesn't really help me. Truthfully, you probably can't.

January 29 will be three years. I can't believe that. This morning, in the bathroom of all places, I had a thought. Life is like a cloth bag of sand. It trickles out slowly through the weave until you punch a hole in it. Then, just try holding on to it and stopping that hole. Your whole perspective of time shifts when someone close dies. What was once long days that seemed to drag on now become days that you didn't even realize had passed. In the blink of an eye, it's gone. Time slips away and the vacancies in it are more pronounced, more obvious to you. You feel them, like something flying past and striking you.

That's the way it feels anyway. And... eventually, you're holding an empty bag.

I'm not depressed. Believe me, I know the difference in depression and sadness. What I feel is not depression. 

I'm don't believe it can be fixed. 

That's the most frustrating thought of all.


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