Shifting Sands

I can remember walking dunes somewhere once, not sure where or when -- maybe I dreamt it. I was probably small and the dune probably wasn't very big in relation to that. Seems like a mountain in my memory. But I can remember the sand sliding from beneath my feet as I attempted to climb up to the top of this mound. It was difficult. You go forward a step and slid back two. As a child you keep trying because achieving the top is exciting and fulfilling. You laugh and struggle and claw and climb until you stand atop the mound and throw both hands in the air and if you have companions, you all cheer. If not, you cheer alone. Because you made it.

I can remember the mountains of S. Germany, Bavaria. So beautiful. Easier in some ways to climb than the dunes of childhood. The next day my legs screamed in agony because of my efforts to see a castle at the top of the mountain and the walk down through beautiful woodlands flooded with sunshine. The memory of nearly falling off a cliff still clings to me. I remember the water flowing from a wooden pipe. I had a metal collapsible cup and I held it under the flow and before it ever reached my lips condensation had covered the cup. It was icy cold and delicious. The reward for reaching the top. I drank it standing looking out over the valley. I sighed.

Other mountains? A miscarriage. A child born with disabilities. A near miss divorce. Lost jobs resulting in financial disasters. A husband no longer able to keep a job. A husband dying before your eyes. Pain that never stops. Children that do not prosper. Personal failures that seem never ending. Fear of going to sleep. Fear of going to work. Fear of the next disaster that hasn't even happened.

Sand slipping from beneath my feet, unstoppable. I'm too tired to climb anymore. Reaching the top is not an option. Staying on my feet would be a victory.

Where is my faith you ask? I do not know. I am listening but the noise from it all is overwhelming. I'm ashamed that I've failed.

I long for simple sand dunes with shifting sands to conquer.