Real Ledge Living

I woke up feeling ok. Wow, amazing how that actually sounds good. However, I only started doing something in the last hour. Cleaning the kitchen and putting on laundry and mopping the kitchen. I sat down to eat and realized I don't feel ok now.

Let me preface that by saying I don't actually hurt anywhere but my neck and that is mild since I got up and did some stretches in my neck and shoulders. I'm just incapable of doing anything because of the tiredness.

I do think there is some swelling somewhere in my upper abdomen. It felt very crowded in my rib area last night, to the point I was uncomfortable and my back hurt. This morning, that has eased but I can't be sure. How would I know?

I'm about to get up again, change out the laundry, strip my bed, clean, sweep and mop the bathrooms, and vacuum the rugs and clean the other floors/ and run a mop over them. I should be totally wiped out by then and I still have to do the bank statement and pay bills. Then I have to start on the yard.

No, I don't have anyone to help me. This is the real world of widowhood when you're sick. Waaaaa.

Why am I here? Oh, yeah, right.

I just launched a new blog. Right, another one. This makes nine on my list but to be perfectly honest, over half of those are closed blogs used to store unfinished novels from NaNo. One is my final research paper that I had to complete to graduate with a BA in history. Another is a storage blog of my old Multiply site. So, this new one..

Rendered Praise Visit.

Wanted: A Mountain Cabin & Two Bad Dogs

The vampires have been sated. They took about five vials of blood. I followed doctor's instruction and simply got up, dressed, and went. I hurt everywhere. It is astounding because I have not hurt this much in years. But I've given my blood to find out what is wrong. I hope that is enough sacrifice.

I actually had trouble sleeping. I took my medicine but drinking coffee apparently has a counter effect. Go figure. I wanted coffee. (See below.)

I've spent most of my time off reading and unsubscribing from things. I'm eliminating the excess baggage. It is time to eliminate the things that are counterproductive to my well-being. This morning I've been praying for insight to that end. Maybe everything should go and I should start over with more positive pursuits. After reading up on this adrenal fatigue, there is some hope to correct at least some of the physical problems. Clearing out one's life can be healthy. I always liked it when the Army moved us. I loved starting over with new friends, places to see, and things to do. It was like a second chance every 4 years. That's very liberating. 

I went through a period of wanting to throw away everything after Jerry died. Every three months for a year I did a stem to stern cleaning and hauled out truckloads of junk. I was horrified at the piles. I have photos to prove it. I am feeling that same need now. The junk isn't all material but is junk nonetheless. I'm hoping tomorrow will dawn sunny and warm and there won't be a lot of pain and I can clean some junk out of the house, the material stuff. My problem will be that I'm only good for about 4 hours before I crash and burn and for the rest of the day I may only be fully functional for about three hours total, and not consecutively. 

I looked up Adrenal fatigue. I never heard of it. Thanks to my friend, Nancy, I know a bit about Cushing's Disease but not adrenal fatigue, which is not Cushing's but both are caused by problems with the levels of the adrenal hormone, cortisol. And apparently they both wreak havoc on the body. Here's a list regarding adrenal fatigue I found on a site called Women to Women. They are eerily familiar.

Symptoms and health risk of sustained cortisol levels:

• Lightheadness & salt craving
• Fatigue and weakness
• Suppression of the immune system
• Muscle and bone loss
• Moodiness or depression
• Skin problems
• Hair loss
• Autoimmune disorders
• Insulin resistance
• Thyroid imbalance
• Weight gain
• Insomnia
• Aches and pains from inflammation
• Lower sex drive

Sustained high cortisol levels are dangerous because they:

• Slow down healing and normal cell regeneration.
• Co-opt parent molecules needed to make other vital hormones
• Impair digestion, metabolism and mental function
• Interfere with healthy endocrine function
• Weaken your immune system

There are apparently things I can do. They tell you and basically the same thing my doctor told me is what I have to do. 

• Avoid gluten — a protein that many women with adrenal imbalance may be sensitive to.
• Eat adequate protein at every meal — important for energy and stamina.
• Eat within an hour of waking — helps restore healthy blood sugar levels.
• Eat healthy fats.
• Eliminate all "white" food – refined sugar, flour, and grains, at least temporarily.

Now, I just have to get the blood work results and see what's really going on. But based on what I've read this is what fits all the problems I am experiencing.

Oh... and I have to avoid all the things I'm dealing with in my life...

Things that make demands on the adrenal glands:

• Lack of sleep
• Work stress
• Personality conflicts
• Yo-yo dieting
• Relationship turmoil
• Reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs
• Digestive problems
• Too much exercise
• Illness, infection or surgery
• Unresolved emotional issues
• Overwhelming responsibilities at home

Yeah, that's gonna be easy. I'd get me to a nunnery but I'm not Catholic. But a cabin in the mountains has always had an appeal. I used to tell Jerry that we'd retire to one. There'd be one road in and one road out and a couple of very bad dogs roaming the woods. The image is always in the back of my mind. 

I have to go now. Just had a dizzy spell and feel sick. I've been up since 7 a.m. and it is nearly 11 a.m. now. That's 4 hours. Right on target.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all those praying friends who have responded to my requests for prayer. I've made many this week. Despite all the medical knowledge in the world, I know where the only solution to any problem lies. When I can't help myself, I know He does. 

Plethora of Miscellany

I'm home today. I took two vacation days off from work because I haven't got enough time to be sick. I'm still sick. But I did sleep until nearly 9 today. I'm going to lunch in a minute.

I'm considering job hunting. I need to call around some places first and see how that's going to hit me financially. It will be a huge drop in income. And benefits. I've got 5 weeks of vacation a year, 14 paid holidays, 2 personal days a year, and 2 weeks sick time per year. I will lose all that and take probably a 50% pay cut. Not to mention, a retirement plan that they pay 8% a year on. I really need this job but this job is a good chunk of the problem. And it is going to get worse with staff cuts.

Here's what we think is happening. We believe they are trying to force people out so they can restructure the jobs with less benefits, less pay, and fewer people. In a this kind of job, if all staff in one job leave, they can re-post those jobs for less money and benefits. Our agency is a high performer in with HUD. This means we're never late on our submissions to HUD. That's what you want to be. However, if you cut staff, your ability to stay at the high levels decreases exponentially. During a recent meeting with the ED, I specifically asked what happens if we're so short staffed we can't continue as a high performer. I pointed out with the promised cuts in staff, that would probably happen. The ED said, HUD would step in and administer the program. That means everyone in my department would be gone completely. HUD would come in, take over, at no cost to the agency, and then at some point, the agency could restructure the department and rehire at reduced administrative cost.

If you google corruption in federally assisted housing, you will find it is a highly abused program. Across the nation agencies are consistently misusing funds and those in charge are frequently the culprit.. This is to the determent of those receiving the assistance as well as the people employed. Having worked in the industry for 15 years, I can tell you, fraud is not that hard to detect if there are checks in place to flag it. But honestly, it is an easy system to manipulate if no one watches.  Here's a HUD report of how prevalent the problem is. http://www.coburn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=641349c1-4667-4c9b-9bf9-1ec5b52ccd5d

And past scandals abound: http://www.downsizinggovernment.org/hud/scandals

So, maybe it is time for me to consider something else. I would so miss the luxury of all that time off. I'd be working more for less. I don't know if I can do that. Not anymore.


I'm still having trouble with exhaustion, dizziness, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, ringing in my ears, and anxiety. I've been going to bed 9-9:30 nearly every night. I sleep. I'm better the first four hours of the morning and then I come crashing down. I may have a few hours in the afternoon when I feel o.k. but I generally get very sick in the afternoon.

This has been going on for a month now, progressively worse. This week... on Sunday I told the boys I felt like I was dying. They weren't happy with the assessment. I'm not thrilled either.

So, what to do. Nothing. If it is fibro, there's nothing they can do. It is RA, there's nothing they can do. I see my RA doctor in two weeks. I called my primary and they'll see me today at 2:15 but I'm suppose to go to the bank at 3:30 and close on my house! We'll see.

Did I mention I went to the Y with Dave on Tuesday night? I managed 30 minutes on a bike. I had leg cramps that night and the Wednesday. No, I didn't use resistance. I just got on and peddled at a leisurely pace while reading.

I am hoping to get my head clear enough to writing some over the weekend. I simply don't know. It has been such a nightmare for weeks trying to do anything.

Now for lunch. I should have time to go grab a salad before my doctor's appointment around 2. I can sit and read for a bit maybe. I'm already feeling tired and I've done nothing.

Drowning

I'm living some kind of nightmare. Really. I am so sick and I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel as if I've been forced march through hell. I'm tired, more tired than I can ever remember being. I walk from one end of the building to the other and have to sit down when I get back to my office and can barely think straight. I can't concentrate at all.  I have no idea what is causing it.

No, I haven't  been to the doctor. They were both on spring break. No, I did not consider the ER. My ER copay is $100 plus 10% of the bill. Do you know what the ER is costing these days? About $15,000. Ain't happenin'.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. The night before at 10:30. Tonight... soon.Nothing I do seems to help. And it comes on in waves. I seem fine when suddenly I'm hit with this wave of total ... exhaustion doesn't begin to describe it. I've had dizziness. My neck hurts. My head hurts now and then, but it usually does when I have neck pain. I just want to lie down and my stress level from all this is making me an emotional wreck.

 I have a doctor's appt in two weeks but I'm not sure it will matter. They never find anything they can do. And I get tired of going to hear the same thing.

I'm drowning in this.

A Happy Face

I slept really well last night. One little pill and I feel 100% better. I still have pain in my hands. I'm still tired but I don't feel as bad as I obviously did yesterday and for the last month. I'll probably take these for a few more days at least. The sleep is what helps the most and the pill helps with the anxiety. 

I'm in a place where I'm not happy. In fact, I begin to wonder if I've ever been really happy. There is nothing anyone can do about that so don't offer consolation or solutions. You don't know what it takes to make me happy. I don't either. So, it is my problem to solve. 

Happiness, in a general sense, is not found in people. People constantly disappoint you. Or they go away. No one is who they say they are, even though they think they are and will argue with you till the cows come home that "what you see is what you get". It isn't true. Most  of the time, we all are pretending something. So, depending on people to make you happy is self delusion. 

Happiness is not in things. Things get broken and if you rely on them to feel good, you're going to feel bad a lot. At the least, you'll be dissatisfied with something else. 

Happiness is not about where you're located. You can live in a palace and be unhappy. And while I suspect that all of these things can pacify a person, that is not happiness either. That's a drug.

Does anyone actually like people who always seem to be happy, without a care in the world? Don't lie. You know that you don't. I don't either. Because below it all, we know we're being deceived. We don't like that.

Most of us, in my opinion, don't really know what happiness is or how to get there. Yet, I've learned one interesting thing. Your physical condition does impact real happiness. I don't care what anyone says about people who are stoic in the face of critical illness and how some of them are happy despite being terminal. That's a bunch of poppycock. They aren't happy. They just recognize they can't fix it. They make the best of a bad situation. Pardon me if I cry because I'm sick. I'm not happy about it and I refuse to expect people who are suffering to act happy. I expect them to act civil, not overjoyed at their state of being. I forgive the grumpy old man who is hooked up to oxygen and will never leave his wheelchair again. He has reason to be grumpy. I forgive that and try to make him smile. It isn't happiness he feels and I can't give him that. I can give him a moment's relief from having to pretend.

Here's a quandary.  I'm a Christian and there is this warped idea out there among my brothers and sisters in Christ that no matter what the situation we are supposed to be overjoyed all the time to just be Christians. Our problems are not supposed to get us down and if they do we somehow embarrass God! I have no idea where anyone got this concept. It is not scriptural to me. Maybe someone took something Paul said and made it fit but I've read the Bible, several times, in several orders. I don't see it. 

Let me tell you misguided folks something you seem to ignore. When Jesus carried that cross, he was not dancing up the road to tune of "Singing in the Rain". He was dragging that thing behind him on a back filled with open, bloody gashes that exposed the bones. And when they nailed him to the cross on that hillside, he was not singing "The Hills are Alive". He was in agony and he showed it. He was in pain. He was suffering. He cried. He did not smile at the crowd and say, "It's ok, folks. I'll be fine." He even asked, "My God why have you forsaken me!" Does any of that sound familiar to anyone but me?

So, if I hurt and seem to moan about it and sob and cry...I'm in good company. I'm not happy about my condition, my position, or my location, I'm just thankful God has forgiven me for my failures.

I don't know where this post came from but I think sometimes I moan and groan too much and I feel bad about it. I dislike not being "happy" in a recognizable way. I get embarrassed that my blog contains so much grief, disappointment, and pain. But I realize that is what this societal conception of happiness has done to people. It has made us feel ashamed when we suffer. It tells us that we must greet pain with a smile. We must put on a "happy" face that says, "Don't mind me while I'm bleeding here. Just carry on with the party."

It is just a facade, a word that means a false face. You know it better by its more common name. A lie.

A Patch

I've reached my limit. I've had a horrible month. I anticipate this time of year being difficult for me but I expected more around the first of the year, the anniversary of Jerry's death. I was so busy it slipped by unnoticed for a week or more. So, I guess it just caught up with me.

Instead, in the last two months, I've simply been on the slippery slope where I was physically ill with a variety of things. In February, I had a rash on my ankles and legs that I have no idea what caused it but that cost me several nights sleep and a trip to the urgent care. I had pain in all major joints, was unable to walk without limping for days, was not sleeping well, even with medicine. I had increased ringing in my ears, more lost sleep, coughing, sneezing, and now, pain in my hands.

 I've been struggling with pain in my hands the last couple of days that was so bad I was having trouble working. I do tons of data entry. I write. My hands are my living. And they were in bad shape. Tonight, they are better. I asked people to pray for me and I started putting some medicine I use on other major joints on my hand. I still have pain but not nearly as bad. I am hoping by tomorrow that the pain will be gone.

And then there has been the last three weeks of overwhelming exhaustion that had me barely able to get through a day at work without falling out. Some days I had to simply find some place and put my had down because I was so tired I couldn't hold it up. By the time I dragged myself home I was in tears because I was so tired I couldn't bear it. It is a tired that you can't begin to imagine. No, you can't. I can't imagine it either. And when I lay down I could not rest. Things hurt.

The sheer volume of what I'm dealing with has become unbearable. I simply can't take it anymore. The proverbial brick wall lies in shambles from the impact. And when my mind starts reasoning that what I'm doing is not living, but dying slowly, in pieces, then I know I'm in a bad place. It is a road I've traveled several times and it ends on a ledge overlooking a bottomless pit. You're too tied to do more than stare down into it and think about how very easily it would be to just close your eyes and lean over and let go. It isn't going to get better.

I came home from work today and took Ativan. They prescribed it for me when Jerry died. I was on it a couple of months. It is amazing stuff but I stopped taking it after a while because it is highly addictive. I have enough problems without an addiction. I've taken them a couple of times since then, for about a week at a stretch. But I still have maybe 25 pills. Tonight I started again. This is the point at which addiction is a very minuscule issue.

No, it isn't a fix. I've decided nothing can be fixed. It's nothing but a patch.

A Tiny Piece of Heaven... Wrapped in a Candy Shell

There has to be a place where you can escape all your problems and still be breathing and above ground. I mean, don't they say "if you can imagine it, you can do it"? So, I can imagine a place like that....

And there has to be enough money to not have to worry about bills or anything. And you're meals will be brought right to your chair on the lanai where you are intently studying the clouds' motions as they move with the sound of the surf. Right?

HEY! I'm a writer! I can make it up.

That's my point. If I can make that up, there has to be a place like that.

I'm depressed. I'm got this ringing in my ears and it is driving me mad, seriously. I'm so tired I could simply lie down right where I stand. Just give me a pillow and a blanket. I suspect they're connected. I don't want to know, so don't tell me. Even if they are there is nothing that can be done, just like everything else I have wrong with me.

I used to look up things to see if I could find out what was wrong and if there was something I could do. I stopped. Knowing became more frightening than not knowing. Now I just want to go away.

I don't know where that place is.  Instead, I'm sitting here eating Peanut M&M's.

That's as close as I can get to heaven right now.

A Day in the Swamp

We've had rain for two days now.  Not a soft gentle spring rain. A cold, pouring rain that makes the ground squish when you walk. My legs and hips do not like it, no one little bit.

I was up all night last night. I have some kind of rash on my legs from my ankles to mid calf on the left leg and slightly lower on the right. It itched like mad all night and I was miserable. The only thing that helped was leaving my leg uncovered and with my heat at 60 degrees, that is not pleasant. So tonight I'll have to find a way to stay warm but not let the legs get over heated. The electric blanket made it much worse I think.

I am annoyed that my whole day was a waste. I have had no sleep but there is no way I could work or write or crochet. I lay on the couch like a slug, t.v. shows playing and I can't tell you what I watched! I could have got more editing done but my brain is basically slush.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and after a missed day of work it is going to be horrible. Well, it is what it is, I guess.

Car Slushies and Random Escapes

The sound of rain falling is just outside the study window. It is freezing cold, too. When I left work at five someone had poured a slushy all over my car and it clung it in clumps. Did I say it was freezing? Honestly, if the sun had been shinning I think it would have felt warmer but because frozen water was everywhere it felt like I had been transported to the North Pole... at least pretty close to it.

As a result of this lovely little front that pushed in with its frozen treat, I acquired a raging migraine. It started small, just before lunch. I thought lunch would make me feel better. It didn't. By two I had to take an Imitrex. At 4, I got very ill. That is what Imitrex does to me. I get sick before it gets better. It is now 8:45 and I still have a moderately bad headache and my nose is now stuffy. So, I will have to take something for the sinus issue and hope the head stops pounding. I will not sleep well with this headache. My neck is not good either but that is typical with these headaches. Thankfully, they have become much sparser in the last couple of years. I hope the trend continues. 

I enjoyed my little weekend getaway a lot and I am going to have to start doing something like that when I can. It was enough to break my sense of imprisonment. 

Did I say that? I suppose it is true. When Jerry died he left me stranded in a place where I have no family but my sons and granddaughter and one sister, who is also trapped. She has no one but us. In the current economic nightmare we call an economy, although there is nothing economic about it, you can't just up and leave a perfectly good job because you want to break out. So, random escapes may be the answer.

Bake me a cake, will ya?

Flight of the Week

I don't know where the week went. I've been so busy at work that I simply turned on the auto pilot and let the thing fly itself. We've landed, safely, at the weekend. I'm actually feeling physically better since they gave me the steroid. I have no idea what it has done to my blood sugar or triglycerides but I'm not thinking about it at the moment. It is nice to have practically no pain at all and feel as if I'm in my right mind for a change.

I've got plans. I work Monday and I'm off Tuesday. That will leave three days in the week to push through. They will be horrendous days of shoveling massive piles of files from one side of my desk, by way of entering the data into the computer, to the other side of my desk.

 On Monday night, the 11th, I have an Online Writers' Asylum meeting That's always fun. Agenda is sent out already.

On the 16th I'm driving down to Atlanta to visit my aunt and uncle. Monday, the 18th, is another holiday and I took Tuesday and Wednesday off. So, I'll stay until the 19th and come home on the 20th. I'm going alone. Dave will have Sarah that weekend and I'll miss that but he's got a friend who will be in town with her two little girls and they'll be doing things together. It will be good for both of them. And he needs to have time with Sarah to himself because he needs to know how to deal with it.

Then, I'll have Thursday and Friday to try and make up for the five days I didn't work. Just in case you didn't realize it, February is already a very short month, as months go, in regard to the kind of work I do. I have approximately 15 days in which to process what normally takes a full 30 day month. So, this will be a feat to rival the Augean Stables. Just so you know, I am not Hercules.

I've been messing around tonight trying to get my home network back online. I can do it one way but not the other. I mean, I can see and access files in my shared folder from the desktop but I can't do the same from the laptop. I think some settings still aren't right, despite the repair. As soon as I can sit down and make sure I'm backed up on the important stuff, I'm resetting everything to factory settings. I'd like to do it this week but if you read over the previous paragraphs you will realize that it is probably not going to happen. Then, I think I'll upgrade to Windows 7 while I still can.

On the 16th I was supposed to meet with a group of local NaNo writers who want to start meeting once a month. Then I realized I had this trip to Atlanta and so I've had to push that back to the last Saturday in February.

Compared to this past week, I suspect that the coming week will reach Mach speeds. Next flight is boarding now. Buckle up.

Waiting for the Warming

My Dream Room

The house is warm and I wish I could just stay here and curl up with my warm throw and nap. The temperature gauge on my desktop says it is 36 degrees outside.

I'm waiting on a repairman to arrive to give me an estimate to have the gas log I bought connected in my den. They were supposed to contact me at 7:30 a.m. to tell me when they'd arrive. It is 7:51 a.m. and I've not heard a word. I thought they'd be done before eight and I could go to work without missing much. Probably not going to happen and I'm annoyed. I've been trying for two weeks to get someone to give me a repair estimate!

Most of you know that the last couple of weeks have been very stressful and I wish I could say I've been stoic through all of it. My pain escalated to fairly awful proportions and by the time I got that under control other stresses had multiplied and I was in a pretty bad way.

I started Monday... well, you can read the blog. I did make an attempt, really. I've managed to get through most of this week without a total meltdown or going off the deep end. You pick the analogy and it'll probably be just as good as mine. Anyway, Tuesday I plodded along finding some revelatory thoughts along the way. And I kept trying to keep my eyes on something besides the problems. Admittedly, I found few things that weren't a problem but I was able to find small blessings that usually go unnoticed and unlauded.

So, my goal is to continue looking at the seemingly mundane and small things I often overlook. Today I'm nearly done with the week and for this I am so thankful. My pain levels have fallen considerably. Maybe leaving off the medicine for a month reset my system. Maybe I was in a flare. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't care. I'm thankful pain is at a two today.

Sarah spent the night last night and Dave took her to school this morning. She would not go to bed so we were all a bit tired. Becca has some kind of bug and so she thought it would be better if David kept her. I always feel better when Sarah is in the house and I'm always so thankful when that happens.

I'm thankful I have a job and can pay the bills. I don't know what I'd do otherwise. I'm thankful for a bunch of online friends who stop by or email me when life is hard and give me sympathy, virtual hugs and encouragement. The sympathy lets me know they understand, but the hugs and encouragement serve to remind me that I should keep going and look up. It isn't easy.

I'm thankful see my son smiling and laughing and acting like himself. How is it that we can't see other people's unhappiness when it is staring us in the face? I'm not thankful his wife divorced him. I am not thankful others are wounded. I know the pain of permanent loss. I'm thankful that both of them are still here. When people divorce they often say things like, "I'm sorry we ever met." I'm not sorry. Had they not met I would not have two very important people in my life, particularly at at time when my life was as dark as a tomb. I'm very thankful these two people met and gave me Sarah. And I'll be always sorry that they could not make it work.

It is now half past 8 and still no call. I think I'm going to go to work and call another company. It is so annoying but the den is an icebox in winter and I have some things I want to do in there. Once the heater is connected it will only take minutes to warm up. At the moment... I have to wait.

In the Still of the Night

I was headed to bed and decided to stop in for a quick post. I've had a long day and I'm tired but I still don't feel well and I don't know if I can sleep.

I saw my doctor today. Actually, my pain levels were a bit better but I went in anyway. She wants me to try Cymbalta for the pain. I'm leery of this as I never know what a medicine will do to me. There are only two medicines I can take for RA. One is Plaquenil  which I currently take, and the other is Methotrexate  a common RA/cancer drug. She wants to consider starting me on that but she's holding off because you have to run so many test when you take that one.

I'm allergic to sulfa and apparently, ALL RA medicines contain sulfa. What's that about? I'm surely not the only person allergic to sulfa. So, if those two medicines do not work for me what then?

Cymbalta has numerous side effects. My friend took it for 5 weeks and had to stop because she started bleeding from "everywhere" she said. It apparently is also a blood thinner. Wonderful.

I saw on the flyer about it that migraine medicines can't be taken with it. Ah, that's really nice as I have severe migraines and take a med for it when I have one.

So, while the doctor offered some ideas, there appears to be nothing they can do for me in reality.

I have to finish reading the flyer and check with the pharmacy to see if there is anything else I take that would conflict with Cymbalta. Do not assume your doctor knows this stuff. They do not always know. I've had more than one give me a med that can't be taken with another med I was on. I always ask the guys handling the meds. That's what they're trained for.

G'nite. At least it is Thursday tomorrow. Two more days to get through.

Wrecked Week

I've had a horrible couple of days. My pain has skyrocketed to the point that I thought I was going to be sick last night and have to go to the ER. I never remember hurting this bad before. I've sent a message to my doctor's office asking if there was anything they could do but I haven't heard a word yet. I may not until tomorrow.

I'm so far behind in my word count for NaNo that it is impossible for me to ever catch up at this point. Even if I felt all right I don't think I could do it. I am working all week and by evening, I'm fairly wiped out. I had a write in last night and got a lot done but  the cost was high. I was very sick when I go home. I have another tonight but if things don't improve, I doubt I can do it. There is a final one on Friday evening unless everyone is finished.

Am I disappointed? I don't know. I don't think so. Things have been so bad lately that it is hard to feel bad about not winning. It would be nice to do it but I'm beyond caring now.

I haven't been blogging as much but I've been when I've been able, I've been working on NaNo. Blogging just hasn't been on my agenda. In fact, I wrote a post last week just before the holiday and forgot to send it. I did that today so there will be two post for today but actually there is only one. I told you things were crazy.

I'm going to work till noon today but I may go home and not come back the rest of the day.

Sleep on the Ledge

This has got to be one of the most hectic months that I can remember. And I have been more tired than I ever remember. I'm so tired all the time I can barely move and yet I have to move. I have to be at work by 8, get off at five and on nights I have a write-in I'm out the door by 6 and home again around 9.  I've slept late every day for the last several weeks. Fortunately, I've managed to get up and dressed and out the door in time to get to work, usually five minutes late. I don't know what's up with that. It could be the stress level is too high I suppose and my body and mind simply are not able to keep up.

NaNo is nearly over and honestly, it probably is over for me already. I don't see making even 20,000 at this rate. I just have no story and I'm so tired at night that I'm not really able to think enough to write. 

I know I say I'm tired a lot. It probably sounds nutty. But honestly, there is no describing this tired. You never feel rested. Always I feel as if I need to go to bed. It has been a long time since I actually woke up without having an alarm clock wake me up. I'm using two alarms now. Even when I've slept I'm only able to go about 4 hours before I feel like I need sleep. 

One more day this week and I will have 4 days off. I'll do some writing but I am going to try and get all the sleep I can and see if it helps. I will be spending lunch with the boys and my sister and Sarah on Thursday but after that, I'll spend the weekend alone.Each year I have hoped that some of the pleasure I always got at this time of year would return. This year I think I realized that it isn't going to happen. I do not feel there is a point to it. All the traditions I kept alive have disappeared and the effort to do traditional things for my own entertainment is simply not worth the disappointment. 

Rainy Day Monday

Labor Day. I'm ready to go to the church Labor Day Picnic. I have to pick up Sarah and Mike. No one else is going. If Sarah wasn't going, I'd stay home and do some much needed house work. It is, after all, labor day.

I've been going from room to room hunting things and finding that the problem is there is still too much STUFF! I want some space and order and I don't seem able to get there. Things still find their way into rooms and stay for no apparent reason. I need to find a place to start, and just do it. I did that a couple of years ago and tossed a lot of junk but this time, I seem to be stalled.

It is like some sort of transition step you take in the grief process, I guess. That one step is just a bit too high for me to reach. Sigh.

I've been experiencing that overwhelming hollowness again. The holidays are approaching but I hesitate to blame them. I  haven't even thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas. . . well, not much. I've been thinking about NaNoWriMo. I've been thinking about my son's impending divorce. I've been thinking about how much pain I've been having again. I've been thinking about how upsetting it is to be in chaos alone. Sigh.

All right, too much thinking.

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog. I have done that one time and I've never been terribly happy with it. Boring.  But last night when I was downloading the missing blogs from the quickly dying Multiply I ran across one that is a snapshot of my life every single day. The title of that post was brilliant and I don't know why I didn't see it before. Well. . . I only write them once and move on so that could be why. Even the content of the post was such a snapshot of what I live that it was laughable. It isn't on this blog yet. I'll post it eventually. The name change you'll see probably sooner.

Maybe even today.

Unsurpassed Tuesday

I think I mentioned I had a head cold yesterday. I woke up this morning sick... really sick. I was seriously off balance and felt if I got up, I'd be dizzy. I was stuffy. My eyes felt like they'd been taken out and put back in backwards. My vision didn't want to work correctly... I don't know what that means. It means everything looked weird to me. My brain felt as if it was sitting in a jar somewhere and I was getting relays from that. 

Does that help any?

I sent a text to my boss that I was sick and wouldn't be in. I rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke at 9:30 and when I tried to get up it was horrible. My brain simply felt saturated from that stuff in the jar and I couldn't focus very well. Mobility was wonky, too, and I was a bit concerned I'd fall. I was dizzy. Had I been taking some kind of meds, I would have thought I was having a drug related reaction. I had not. I only used a nasal spray the day before, the 12 hr kind, and that only opened my sinus up so I could breath. 

My son needed to borrow the car and I had to drive over to his house, about 5 minutes away. It wasn't pleasant. He drove me back and I crash landed on the sofa and did not moved until around noon. The dizziness and visual chaos passed off after about half an hour and I was at least able to read while lying down. But I was still a bit dizzy when getting up for the usual things...bathroom, drink, food. 

I've been drinking a lot because I obviously in need it with a cold. Oddly enough, this could also be a fibro flare on top of the cold. The symptoms of fibromyalgia include all the above except sneezing and stuffy nose. At least, I haven't run across them. But the fog is well known as are the exhaustion, confusion, dizziness, balance problems, and a slew of other things. If it is a flare, it is probably the worst I've had yet and that concerns me. 

On the bright side, the cold has not required a second dose of medicine to allow me to breath. That may be a good sign. I'm upright, breathing, although still stuffed up. My ears are really blocked and my head still feels as if it is sitting in a jar but I can breath. We'll see.

What was I reading? City of Bones, by Michael Connelly. I've never read Mr. Connelly even though he's got a about a dozen books out there. This book was given to me along with two sacks of other books. I picked it up and read the first chapter and I was hooked. Mr Connelly writes well and the story moves quickly, short chapters help. I really like the main character, Harry Bosch and this particular story is really good. It is very good and I'm impressed. I'm half done and it is a large hardback. I will probably read more of his books now. I don't usually read cop books but I do tend to read a lot of books written by men. 

NaNo is three months away. I need to start planning something but under the current conditions, constructive thought is difficult. I have no ideas for any story but then, I usually don't so I won't really get bent until November 1st.

I'm going to stop now. I think I actually need to take a nap. I have to be better tomorrow as I have to go back to work. 

Morning Aches

I had intended to go to church this morning and take Sarah with me. She spent the afternoon here and was going to spend the night. She was up at 3 a.m. and wanted to go home. I don't know what the problem is. She said I snore but I doubt anyone snores louder or more terrible than her dad and she sleeps in their room! She used to spend the night a lot on weekends but just stopped. 

Anyway, I woke up to a bad headache, my back felt wrapped in a vice, neck hurts, and walking was difficult. I'm going in a moment to get a hot shower to see if it will loosen things up a bit. I so wish I had someone to rub my back. That "locked" feeling is the worst thing. All the muscles simply won't move without resistance. 

It has been miserably hot, so much so that you can't be outside. No rain again for days. What little we got has simply evaporated. I need to water the flowers but going for the hose is misery. I'm thinking of moving the sprinkler into the front yard and simply turning it as needed. Whoever cuts the yard can simply move it around. That would save me a bit of effort. 

I'm still meeting with my writing friends online in the g+ hangouts. That works so well! Very much like getting to meet face to face without all the bother with deserts and special clothing. Well, we do wear clothing but I can simply slip on my most comfortable PJ's and I'm ready. I've enjoyed these hangouts a lot and if you haven't tried one, you should. 

OH! Forgot to mention. I bought an HDMI cord for my computer and can now link it up with my television. It is very cool really. I can watch all sorts of videos on my television now via Youtube, Hulu, Netflix or any other source. Mike and I use the same Netflix account and I pay half so that helps him. I was doing HULU but most of the content that I got was the same thing as nonpaying. Only difference was I could put most of it on the t.v. The content was still very limited. Netflix has much more content and so far everything can go on the t.v. 

I'm going to watch the season 4 finale to Dr Who (David Tennant), The End of Time. I haven't seen it. I'm dreading it a bit as I just adored him as Dr. Who. The reviews I read about it say it was a very sad show. I just spent the last several weeks watching all the seasons he was Dr. Who. I  used to watch them when they were on but for some reason I stopped. I think it was the night it came on was a conflict for me. Anyway, I'm going to see the finale today. It is 2 hrs long! May have to watch in parts.... You know that death stuff really upsets me and this is a favorite character. 

All right, got sidetracked and now an hour has passed and I'm still aching. I'm going for the hot shower now. 

My Party

Vacation ended with a thud. No, I didn't have barrels of fun. I enjoyed the canoe trip. I enjoyed seeing members of my family, including a new great niece and nephew. I visited Jerry's brother and sister on the way home.

It was nice to see them but Jerry's brother was so like him that it was a dagger to the heart. I thought I was going to die. I fell apart, embarrassingly so, and I've felt out of sync ever since Thursday, as if I've been thrown back in time. For two hours afterward I was simply unable to stand up and went to bed at the hotel, leaving Mike outside. Even today I'm barely able to function and I've had a migraine since Saturday.

Jerry's niece came home with us and is staying for a bit with Becca and Dave. I invited Becca and Kim to lunch yesterday because I thought it might make me feel better. I was going insane alone here in the house. Becca invited me to lunch today but called later and said she and Sarah would go to church this morning with me instead because she and Dave were fighting about something and so she couldn't invite me over today for lunch after all.

So, for the most part, I've spent yet another Mother's Day alone. Only Mike went to church with me and I took us to lunch. He's in the house but you'd never know it for the most part. He means well but conversations require concentration unless it is about t.v. or movies, we don't really talk a lot. The church did present a rose to every mother so I got a flower. No wake up smiles, no calls, no gifts, no cards, and oh... my youngest called late (probably after he got out of bed around 2 p.m.) to say he "didn't get the memo that today was Mother's Day and Happy Mother's Day." Odd, since his FB wall mentioned it yesterday. I'm a bit lower on the scale of importance than FB. There are people who think they have been in contact with me just because they do graffiti on virtual walls. You haven't.

I've learned since Jerry died that my worth for some is measured solely in dollars and cents...mine and how generous I am with it.

I go back to work tomorrow. To the real world, or at least what passes as real for me. Where people honestly don't care about me.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. . .you cry on yours when it happens to you.

A Positive Outlook

I overslept. I sat up too late, as usual when I'm more or less a slug. I sat around and did nothing yesterday. Only left the house to go eat and came right back to my chair. I read off an on but mostly just wasted time. It annoys me. It is as if my mind belongs to someone else and they've taken my body hostage.

Sarah came over late and watched t.v. while I just sat. She did cut up with me a bit but mostly we both were slugs. Well, she's only 5 so it is a bit unusual for her.

Today it is cold and I'm stiff and achy. So, when the clock went off, I didn't respond very well. And now I'm feeling very guilty about it.

Because... I don't want to be this way. I want to jump out of bed, awake, feeling good, and be out and doing something that means something. I don't want to have no energy, stamina, and interest.

It is just one of those weekends where I've given hours of my life away. I know part of it is the weather but I keep feeling like it is my fault. I should just get up and move. Then, my body informs me that it simply doesn't like what I'm asking. Today, my hands and feet are bothering me but it is mostly just this tired. I was doing well most of the week. Beginning to get to bed earlier and get more, not better, sleep. I could tell it was working. I blew it the last two nights. I simply have so little time when I can do my own thing, a weekend is not enough, and so I sit up too late. Just like I did for years. Before I was given this fibro curse.

I am going to get dressed. I am going to get lunch. I am going to read something besides blogs. Maybe doing it will give me a more positive outlook.

If I can just get up.

Sunday Catch-Up