What's Marked in My Bible, #8

Judges 1:6 But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes.

Please remember that these are scriptures in the Holy Bible that I have marked over a period of 40 years. They all have or had meaning when marked. Some are what I believe are profound truths, some are interesting stories, and some are oddities. All from my perspective. You may take them seriously or not.

This is one of the oddities. It is a good story if you read the whole thing. In fact, the book of Judges is a very interesting book. Lots of stuff in this very short book. The next is of import to me for a very good reason. Who can guess the reason?

Judges 3:15 15. But when the children of Israel cried unto the Lord, the Lord raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab.

And this is important for another reason. Can you guess this?

Judges 4:4 And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.
Judges 4:9b for the Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.

If you guessed the first woman Judge in Israel, you are right. And the first woman assassin. So, for those who believe in women keeping silent and not teaching... read verse 5, which, incidentally is not marked in my Bible.

5. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment.

Judges 11:1-40 I had to write a paper on whether or not all promises should be kept. This chapter was the basis of my premise that "Yes, promises must be kept." I hightlighted verses 30, 31, 32b, 34, and 35. I've posted the entire chapter here for those interested. This is a very good story, by the way. One question that came up in class was did Jephthah kill his daughter or did he simply put her away in confinement. I believed he put her away because the laws against killing ones children. Most of the class believed he actually killed her as a fulfillment of his vow. You make your own assessment.

1. Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valour, and he was the son of an harlot: and Gilead begat Jephthah.
2. And Gilead's wife bare him sons; and his wife's sons grew up, and they thrust out Jephthah, and said unto him, Thou shalt not inherit in our father's house; for thou art the son of a strange woman.
3. Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, and went out with him.
4. And it came to pass in process of time, that the children of Ammon made war against Israel.
5. And it was so, that when the children of Ammon made war against Israel, the elders of Gilead went to fetch Jephthah out of the land of Tob:
6. And they said unto Jephthah, Come, and be our captain, that we may fight with the children of Ammon.
7. And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, Did not ye hate me, and expel me out of my father's house? and why are ye come unto me now when ye are in distress?
8. And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, Therefore we turn again to thee now, that thou mayest go with us, and fight against the children of Ammon, and be our head over all the inhabitants of Gilead.
9. And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, If ye bring me home again to fight against the children of Ammon, and the Lord deliver them before me, shall I be your head?
10. And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, The Lord be witness between us, if we do not so according to thy words.
11. Then Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him head and captain over them: and Jephthah uttered all his words before the Lord in Mizpeh.
12. And Jephthah sent messengers unto the king of the children of Ammon, saying, What hast thou to do with me, that thou art come against me to fight in my land?
13. And the king of the children of Ammon answered unto the messengers of Jephthah, Because Israel took away my land, when they came up out of Egypt, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and unto Jordan: now therefore restore those lands again peaceably.
14. And Jephthah sent messengers again unto the king of the children of Ammon:
15. And said unto him, Thus saith Jephthah, Israel took not away the land of Moab, nor the land of the children of Ammon:
16. But when Israel came up from Egypt, and walked through the wilderness unto the Red sea, and came to Kadesh;
17. Then Israel sent messengers unto the king of Edom, saying, Let me, I pray thee, pass through thy land: but the king of Edom would not hearken thereto. And in like manner they sent unto the king of Moab: but he would not consent: and Israel abode in Kadesh.
18. Then they went along through the wilderness, and compassed the land of Edom, and the land of Moab, and came by the east side of the land of Moab, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, but came not within the border of Moab: for Arnon was the border of Moab.
19. And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, the king of Heshbon; and Israel said unto him, Let us pass, we pray thee, through thy land into my place.
20. But Sihon trusted not Israel to pass through his coast: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and pitched in Jahaz, and fought against Israel.
21. And the Lord God of Israel delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites, the inhabitants of that country.
22. And they possessed all the coasts of the Amorites, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and from the wilderness even unto Jordan.
23. So now the Lord God of Israel hath dispossessed the Amorites from before his people Israel, and shouldest thou possess it?
24. Wilt not thou possess that which Chemosh thy god giveth thee to possess? So whomsoever the Lord our God shall drive out from before us, them will we possess.
25. And now art thou any thing better than Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab? did he ever strive against Israel, or did he ever fight against them,
26. While Israel dwelt in Heshbon and her towns, and in Aroer and her towns, and in all the cities that be along by the coasts of Arnon, three hundred years? why therefore did ye not recover them within that time?
27. Wherefore I have not sinned against thee, but thou doest me wrong to war against me: the Lord the Judge be judge this day between the children of Israel and the children of Ammon.
28. Howbeit the king of the children of Ammon hearkened not unto the words of Jephthah which he sent him.
29. Then the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, and he passed over Gilead, and Manasseh, and passed over Mizpeh of Gilead, and from Mizpeh of Gilead he passed over unto the children of Ammon.
30. And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,
31. Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.
32. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the Lord delivered them into his hands.
33. And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.
34. And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.
35. And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and I cannot go back.
36. And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the Lord, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the Lord hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.
37. And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.
38. And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains.
39. And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel,
40. That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year.

I believe the story proves the important of being careful what you say and what you promise. If you are not willing to stand by your word, keep you mouth shut.

What's Marked in My Bible, #7

This first one will amuse those of you of some faiths and offend those of others. I apologize to both... I didn't write it, I just highlighted it in the Book.

Deuteronomy 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.

Oh, this was my favorite when I got married. I used to laugh and tell Jerry he was sinning by working that first year.

Deuteronomy 24:5 When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.


And I think this is for all those who buried the Law.....

Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.

For ever is a long time......

What's Marked in My Bible, #6

The source of an old saying and an old truth. I said once before I was going to make a list of saying that came from the Bible. You'll see a lot of it in these postings.

Deuteronomy 8:3 And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.

What's Marked in My Bible, #5

I didn't highlight the subsequent three verses but they explain this in more detail. Shed innocent blood defiles the land and can only be redeemed by the shed blood of the murderer.

Numbers 35:30-31

30. Whoso killeth any person, the murderer shall be put to death by the mouth of witnesses: but one witness shall not testify against any person to cause him to die.
31. Moreover ye shall take no satisfaction for the life of a murderer, which is guilty of death: but he shall be surely put to death.

One witness can't condemn a person to death. An interesting concept that shows the patriarchs were not fools but understood the risk of a single witness testimony being suspect.

And we are not to take any pleasure in the death of the guilty.

Deuteronomy 6:4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is One Lord:

Deuteronomy 6:13, 15, 16
13. Thou shalt fear the Lord thy God, and serve him, and shalt swear by his name.
15. (For the Lord thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the Lord thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth.
16. Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.

What's Marked in My Bible, #4

Numbers 32:23 ....behold, you have sinned against the Lord; and be sure your sins will find you out.

My Mama used to tell us this every time we got up to something.

Interestingly, as I was reading this chapter to make sense of the verse, I found another that I may mark.

Numbers 32:6 And Moses said unto the children of Gad and to the children of Reuben, Shall your brethren go to war, and shall ye sit here?

It is an interesting chapter. Reuben and Gad have elected to not cross the Jordan River in to the promised land. They, instead, they looked around and say the land of Jazer and Gilead, that is was a place for cattle and since they had a multitude of cattle, they went to Moses and told him they would stay where they were.

Moses got a tad upset. He said they were just like their fathers who had brought back a negative report of the land and had discouraged the people. They eventually agree but tell Moses first they will build defended cities for their women and children to stay in.

What's Marked in My Bible, #3

I wonder if this needs explanation....

Exodus 20: 3, 4, 7,8 12-17

3. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
4. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
7. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
8. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
12. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
13. Thou shalt not kill.
14. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
15. Thou shalt not steal.
16. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
17. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

What's Marked in My Bible, #2

Genesis 6:2 & 11

2. That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

I've often found this verse fascinating! So much so that I've done several researches regarding it and the Nephilim, the beings referred to in this passage above. This intermarriage is not mentioned again but there is another scripture that refers to the descendants of Anak who were giants and residing in the Promised land before the Hebrews came. They are said to be the Nephilim. There is much debate about this verse among scholars of the Bible and about the Nephilim specifically. I won't go into it but if you Google them you will see what I mean. Some of it is way out there. But once you begin to read the more reasonable information, it is interesting.

Verse 4 indicates the children of the union between women and heavenly beings became mighty beings. I read a paper by Derek Prince, a minister whose work I like reading, who made the claim that the Nephilim are very possibly the beings referred to in Greek and Roman mythology. We know these are legends but in every legend there is a grain of truth. Having read these myths as a child, I realized that it made more sense for these to have been the people mentioned in Verse 2 and 4 of Genesis. Separating the facts from fiction is more complicated because of the time span. But it is fun to think about these mysteries.


11. The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.

I always found this verse very interesting because it is so current. I marked it many years ago.

What's Marked in My Bible, #1

Genesis 4:20-22
20. And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.
21. And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
22. And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron:

This was marked many, many years ago, in that first "real" Bible I mentioned in the last post. Jabal and Jubal and Zillah were the parents of all cattle farmers, musicians, and iron workers.

I don't remember if there are other such statements in the Bible but I found this one interesting as a young girl. You see, talents are generally inherited through a bloodline. Those who have musical talent with stringed instruments are a descendant of Zillah. If they are skilled in working with metals, the are a descendant of Jubal. And remember all the wandering cattle farmers around the world who have made fortunes? Wow!

Sunday Morning Pains

I didn't go to church this morning. Today, physical pain is the issue. I overslept and felt as if someone had run over me. I'm a mess. It gets better over the course of the day once I am up and if I take it easy, but it always destroys the last hour or so of rest, which is always one of the most beneficial.

You know, church is the hardest for me? I can hardly bear to go. I look for the spot my husband would stand during praise service or where he sat during preaching (we always sat on the third pew but if I'm behind that pew I keep looking at the third one.) He isn't there and it is terrible. He so loved church and I always did, too, but now, I can't bear to be there. But I want to go so I am ripped up every time I leave.

And I have no idea what else will set me off. I will feel great but hear a song from my earlier married life and feel as if I'm dying. Or I see photo of someplace we've been. Couples holding hands, laughing, talking, at lunch together.

Even m walking through a store he loved to shop at last night was horrendous. I went to The Family Christian Bookstore to purchase a new Bible cover and tried to shop. I went to the bookshelves to look at books and felt I couldn't breath then went to the back where the Bibles and covers are. I looked for maybe 30 minutes but found nothing and just had this depression set in.

I left when I couldn't find what I wanted. Then, I went to The Vineyard, another Bible store down the street a few blocks. I found a pretty cover and bought it but the experience was not enjoyable. He loved shopping at these stores and at both I have memories of our going there. I bought him gifts for Birthday's and Christmas there, on occasion. He liked the ties and coffee mugs.

I found a Bible I asked them to put on hold for me. I hate buying a new Bible. I know where everything is in my old one. Jerry bought me this one, too. He'd bought several over the years so one isn't really more special in that sense but this would be the first one I've bought on my own in many, many years. They will hold it for several days. Since I have a new cover I may just keep my old one. The cover is wearing at the spine. I suppose that is a good thing, to wear out a cover. The spine is worn off at the top and bottom. I always get Bonded Leather and Jerry would fuss about it. "Leather is better. It won't do that," he'd say. "Yes, I know but it cost twice as much." I'd argue.

That's probably why I've worn out three in about 40 years. I still have the first "real" Bible I ever got. I won it for bringing the most people to Sunday School. The whole front cover is off it. I used it until after I married. Jerry bought me another in 1980 and that cover wore out, too. I'm on the third now. I can't remember when he bought it because he didn't date it but it was after we moved into this house in 1990.

I have many passages marked in my Bible and always have to transfer them to the new one. They are things I go back and read often. I think I may start a posting theme called What's Marked in My Bible. That might be interesting.

I am going now to find something to occupy me. When my mind dwells on Jerry too much the day grows very dark, no matter how good the memory. At this point, no memory is very good for me. They are all knives stabbed into my chest.

Plans?

Cheryl asked me if I had any Saturday plans. It feels as if this is one of those days where I can't function. I can't find a thing I want to do except sit. I know I will get moving soon but at the moment, everything takes too much effort. I have coffee cups for three days in the sink. Can't figure out why there are not dinner plates. Did I eat out? I guess I did.

I don't seems to cook anymore. A sandwich or cereal or whatever I can find to get me by. I hate eating out alone so I have probably been taking one of the kids. I think... no, yesterday I had a burger alone in the car while shopping.

I had planned to do some yard work but everything here is wet. Grass is getting tall and I can't cut it wet. Such an aggravation.

The house is not terribly dirty but there are things I need to do. I'm wanting to throw things out and slim down the contents. I did find a lovely sofa yesterday that I may buy later in the summer. Not too large and not too small.

I realized a minute ago that the furniture I am buying now will probably be the last I ever buy. I have no children at home to wear it out. Sarah behaves very well. One person won't even make a dent in the furniture over the course of several years. So, I better buy something I truly love because I'm stuck with it forever.

It is just that none of this is even remotely interesting to me. I always loved doing this stuff but I usually had Jerry helping in some capacity. We both loved working on the house. Now, I don't really care if it is ever fixed, or painted, or decorated. I can't do most of the work alone and it is just too much effort to figure it out.

The scene of Scarlett at the bottom of the stairs makes a lot of sense. "I'll think about it tomorrow."

Rhett's makes even more sense. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

No, I have no plans.

Where Has My Mind Gone?

I went to Value City Furniture and ordered the dresser and nightstand that matches my bed. It will arrive on Tuesday. Jerry and I had planned on buying the matching pieces of this bedroom suite when we bought the bed three years ago but it was just so expensive we couldn't afford anything except the bed. We kept planning to buy a dresser or armoire every year but at nearly $1000 for the dresser it was insane. The armoire was about $700. That isn't a bad deal since this is all wood... none of that particle stuff covered in wood look contact paper or plastic wood. Real wood with dovetailed drawers.

It is a small bedroom, and we knew we could only buy one piece, not both. But we never did. We never had the money.

Today, I decided to go and buy one of the pieces. As I walked through the store I was afraid they no longer carried it but I finally found it and the sales person who assisted me was someone I knew. She pointed out a smaller dresser of the same design and color that was half the price! It will be a perfect match and I was able to buy a nightstand, too! Both were less that the larger dresser. I am so thrilled but so sorry Jerry and I could never afford it. And they will take up much less room than the current dresser and nightstand.

There is much I do not talk about here. There are so many things to regret. So very, very many. I try and not think about them. But it is difficult when faced with the quanity. I think the best I can do is tell you to spend it now. Do it now. Go there now. Whatever dreams you have together, make them right now. Because when one of you is gone, the other will suffer terrible regret, regret so deep and so painful that you can't sleep at night, you can't eat, you can't think of anything but what might have been, what is lost.

I can spend every penny I have doing all the things we wanted to do. Completing all the plans we made. But there is little joy in the thought and little joy in the doing.

Normally, I'd say watch your pennies, pay your bills, secure you future. But never mind. Instead, lose you mind now. Tomorrow won't be filled with regrets for what you missed or lost. You'll have warm foolish memories to fill the hollow places and let you smile through the tears.

On Converting Bears

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

First of the Week

Sunday is ending and I am waiting for my hair to dry so I can turn in. I wanted to stop a minute and say hello.

I've been doing those album all week and I'm sorry for taking so long. However, I want them right and to tell the story. So, it will take me the better part of the week to get over 300 photos posted. I'm sorting them into individual albums by event so I can fill you in as I go. I hope you enjoy the photos. There are some really beautiful shots coming of the Charleston carriage ride.

Also, I know I apologize for my haggard photos. I do look horrid without my glasses and my hair every which way but I always think it is humanizing for people to see you in a variety of situations and states. We tend to show our very best side all the time and never let anyone see us mussed up. But then, we don't really get to know anyone that way.

What you see in my albums is me, in all the finery and foolishness. Believe me when I say I hate those nasty shots where they were doing my hair! LOL, but you had to be there. I knew when they were doing them they were terrible and I wondered if I'd be able to post them. But sometimes, letting people see the real you is a good thing.

Everyone has been so wonderful and expressed so much concern for me during this period following my husband's death. I thought it would be a good idea for me to at least show you that I'm not a complete basket case and that sometimes, for intervals I laugh. I can't say I'm happy but when surrounded by my friends and family, I don't feel as if so much of "me" is missing.

Overall, I had a wonderful but not perfect, marriage and my husband truly adored me, often foolishly so. That kind of love leaves a gaping hole that I suspect is impossible to fill. I do not think I shall know another person who can love the way Jerry loved me. He never wavered in that, ever. I never doubted it. But I did not deserve that kind of adoration.

Knowing you are loved is a security of sorts that you don't understand the strength of until the giver is gone. The world is frightening without that stabilizer.

In light of my state of mind these last three months, I thought seeing the photos would at least let people know that I'm trying to climb out of this dark hole I've been cast into. Will I ever be happy again? I don't see it. I'd be content with not feeling as if a knife is in my chest.

Good night, my friends. I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Kiss those you love before you go to sleep. And tell them.

Updating the Albums

Friday at last and I'm just about to turn in. I've spent the evening playing with Miss Cheyenne and we've had a blast. She went home about two hours ago. I worked today and it has been a stressful couple of days since I got back. I am glad it is has ended for a few days.

I've been updating the photo albums with my vacation photos. Be sure and read the description at the beginning of the albums. The story of my trip is posted there. It is fun putting this together but good heavens, I have over 200 photos! My aunt and Roselyn were taking photos and I even took a few. I've decided I want a camera just like my aunt's Sony. What a great camera. A real pleasure taking photos. If you are curious as to which are which, my sister's photos all have the date on them.

I've tried to keep the photos in order according to the date and the events of the day. I may be off on some things but the story line is still there.

I'm ready for another vacation but have to wait until the last of May to do that. Kayla's Graduation is the 29th and I am looking forward to a day at the beach, a Gulf beach, that week.

I will try and post a review of The Shack as soon as possible. I haven't finished it but I will in a day or so. I'm bogged down in it.... hate that when it happens.

Good night to you all. Hope you enjoy the photos.

Home Again, Home Again

I said on my previous blog I'd be back Saturday. That was an error. I meant I 'd be back Wednesday! Here I am!

Lovely short trip and I have lots of photos I'll be uploading soon with details of how the time was spent. Had a lot of fun but the weather was too cool for the beach. It is o.k. though, because we had a great time doing other things. Since the weather was perfect for sightseeing and finding interesting restaurants, we did.

Headed for the Coast

I'll be away for a few days after tomorrow. I fly out on Saturday to South Carolina and won't be home until sometime Saturday night. My aunt and uncle have taken a condo at Myrtle Beach for a few days and invited me to spend the time with them. Since I'm having such a difficult time at the moment, it is probably a good idea to leave it behind for a bit.

I don't know if I'll have a way to blog while I am gone but will catch you all up when I return. I'll take my camera and takes lots of photos. I just want to spend some time somewhere warm and sunny.

I have a counselor's appointment tomorrow and then I have to pack things up. If I don't get back here before I leave, hope you all have a great week.

What Kind of Friend Am I? Hmmm

I got this from Cheryl's blog. Jilly and I used to do a lot of these on Yahoo. I got them from here then. We've been a bit more intellectual on our blogs since then, I think. LOL

Your Friendship Style is Philosophical

You take every friendship you have seriously, and you spend a lot of time analyzing your friends. You've thought a lot about what it means to be a good friend, and you hold yourself to your standard. In return, you expect your friends to be loyal, honest, and real. You're somewhat picky about who you're friends with. Fighting with your friends bothers you more than most people. You can't stop replaying arguments over and over in your head. You and an Empathetic Friend: Try to understand one another. You approach life very differently, but you're willing to listen to one another. You and a Gregarious Friend: Are a better match than expected. You understand and appreciate your Gregarious Friend's energy. You and an Independent Friend: Get along pretty well, but you can't help but think your Independent Friend needs to learn better manners! You and another Philosophical Friend: Are friends for life. You can get lost in your intense, interesting conversations... and maybe even change the world together!

What's Your Friendship Style?

A Short Expose of an Outing

Mike on Sunday afternoon and had some sandwiches. He didn't like being photographed during the process. He went home afterward. Later that afternoon, we decided we wanted to go for a Sonic Burger. We debated if we had to dress up or not. My aunt felt she had to at least wash her face. I was not sure what to wear. What do you think?

No, I think this works fine. I am very patriotic and well, I feel quite the style maven. I believe the chocolate stain on the tee shirt is an added statement.


My uncle was suitable shocked.But when we explained that we were going to feed him, he perked right up. He was game.

He drove us. I was in the back seat trying to get a good shot. Not too difficult when you're traveling with seniors.


These clouds looked more interesting than they came out in this shot.


It had been raining off and on all afternoon but these guys were beginning to gang up. Serious concentration was required to navigate the half dozen block to Sonic.


Uh, there was one wrong turn but fortunately, we corrected and simply came out on the other side. This is another interesting cloud shot. I thought. Well, the Donut Bank sign is where we made the wrong turn so at least something interesting came of the shot. These folks make the best blueberry muffins you ever put in your mouth.



We arrived at Sonic safely and found a parking spot... among the many available. Not everyone was finding Sonic of interest today. The clouds continued to mass and menace.

We ordered and after our order go to us, the clouds exploded with thunder and massive amounts of water. The sound in the car kept me. . . us relatively quiet. Once I was full, I forgot to take anymore photos!

Snow Monday

Just flurries. I came home from lunch and stopped to dash off a post. I don't know if I will get back on tonight. I have got to find a way to do some of the things that need doing around here. It is just cold and gloomy and all I want to do on those days is hibernate but in my present state of mind, that isn't a good idea. I must stay busy or my mind becomes overwhelmed.

We didn't go to church last night. Instead, my aunt and uncle and I decided to just visit and have a quiet evening so they could leave early this morning to drive home. It is a long drive and the weather was not promising. I think they will escape the gloom south of Nashville. It could drop down that way but it looked like it wouldn't move that far south to me.

We did go get Sonic burgers for supper. We at at the drive-in. For those who don't know what Sonic is, it is a drive-in burger joint like those in the old movies. You order and they bring your food to your car. You can take it away or eat right there in the car. We ate there. The rain poured down in torrents and was deafening on the back of the car. It poured off the roof right onto the top of the car over my head. It was a lovely sound with rumbling thunder in the background but conversation became impossible and when we finished we left to go back home. The rain had stopped by the time we pulled into the drive.

I took some photos while we were out. Some clouds in the distance were nice. I'll have to post them later today I think.

Hope you all have a good day.

Overcast

The weather started very pretty this morning but now we have clouds and thunder with a few sprinkles tossed in the mix. My aunt and uncle are still here. They will leave tomorrow morning. By the way, I put the photo in the album of Mr. Buttons, my aunt's dog. Jilly notice it previously and I have just got around to it.

Church this morning was difficult. I don't know why it is hard. I read Riete's blog about how she also had a difficult time at church. I can't say what is causing this. I just know it is nearly unbearable. And you're supposed to feel better going to church but I don't. I feel worse.

I got my tickets paid for to go to Myrtle Beach, S. C. I am looking forward to it. My sister, Roselynn, is going to join us on that Monday. She is dropping off my nephew to the Marine base and it isn't that far from where we will be. That will be nice for her and nice to see her.

I've really got a lot of things I need to do. I was looking around and the house just needs things done. The yard is a mess, there is too much junk sitting around the house and in the garage. I have more to do than I think I can handle. I will be trying to utilize other people but it will still be a lot of work.

I hear the rain falling in earnest now. The sound on the awning is nice. I should lie down. I told my aunt the reason you are always so tired on Sunday afternoon as opposed to other days of the week is because God ordained it as a day of rest and if we don't take if voluntarily then, he'll just make us exhausted so we have to. LOL. So, I feel tired and need to lie down.

Hope your week goes well. I have a four day work week this week. I am off for Good Friday and that is a freebie = Paid holiday. Yipee. Then, I work another week and am off to Myrtle Beach.

Pray for me, folks. The depression is not getting better. I know the signs and it is very difficult. I battled this before and it is a serious problem for me. So, put me on your lists if you will. I am hoping the change in season will help me but right now, I simply want to find a cave, a nice dark one, to curl up in.

Descent

Went to the counselor. He thinks I'm worse. {shrug} I don't know. I feel pretty much the same to me. He said what I was feeling was still grief but that now I'm showing signs of depression.

I don't know.

My aunt and uncle came in and we went to my church's fellowship rally. Oddly enough one of the pastor's wives prayed for me and as she prayed she prayed for depression. . . which I just found out about myself this afternoon and had told no one except my aunt and uncle. They had not talked to anyone either.

O.k., so maybe I've been descending into depression.

I just don't know. I'm on my way to bed now. Tomorrow I'll do family stuff and maybe the sun will be brighter. The young minister titled his message The Beauty of a New Day.

That'd be nice.

DEA Agent

A bit of humor in my email from GCFL.com

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

Friday. In the Study. Studying.

WARNING! This post can probably be called a gripe session. If you are offended or think you may be offended, leave quietly now and no one will get hurt.

I stayed home today. My stomach has been a bit cranky since yesterday. Just lots of grumbling and all that accompanies a stomach bug.

That isn't the only reason. I'm not doing well at all. I don't know what is wrong. I get upset over the least thing. I fall apart watching things for no reason. I see the counselor today at 3 and must get dressed soon.

I don't think I know why I am doing this. I am hurting so bad and I feel very frightened a lot of the time. I don't know how to fix it since I don't know what I am afraid of. I'm not afraid of my anything tangible. It is this hovering fear that simply stops me in my tracks at unsuspecting moments. I have to go to the bathroom or close my door at work. If I stop thinking for a minute it creeps up. At home, it is harder because I am idle more. I can't find ways to escape. Ultimately, I have to redirect my thinking and focus on something else. I get illogically upset if things are out of place or missing.

I sat and listened to a young preacher online last night. It was a very good message and he was a very good preacher. It was the Elevation Church. He preached about The Dip. You may know it better as the valley or the place where everything goes wrong. It was really good because I had not thought about some of the reasons that these places occur in our lives. I really found it enlightening. I can't say it made me feel better but it did remind me that it isn't always something we do or don't do that puts us in those places. I was aware of the concepts he presented and I did "know" it. I've even said as much myself but sometimes, in the crisis, someone else has to point out what is happening to you.

I still don't understand but maybe I will. Yet, I don't like this hollow feeling in my chest or the pain I get at unexpected times. I don't like feeling alone or friendless or abandoned.

I am flying to Myrtle Beach, S. C. next weekend to spend about four days with my aunt and uncle and friends of theirs, well, and mine, too, I guess. I've known them since I was about 15. They're really nice people. I know it will be fun and good for me to get away. I hate being away from my sons but since I don't really see them much I don't guess it matters.

David is working and I am so glad. I hope it goes well for him. I just wish so much he'd get his diploma. Jerry and I had such high hopes for David. He is smarter than he thinks but he doesn't seem able to even see it or try. I have no influence there. I've decided not to even bother anymore. I know he can do a lot better than a sales clerk at Sears. He is in church much more now and seems to really want to work on that more. I am happy for him. I don't think he ever really sees that he does better at everything when he is faithful. Still, they don't really care what I think and I get told so in no uncertain terms. So, I have decided to offer no further assistance there.

Mike thought he had a job but they changed their minds. He was upset. I don't know what to do to help him. I have told him if he will work on the yard this summer I will pay him instead of his having to go to the plasma bank for the next three months. He says he will but we will see. You have all seen the photos of the railroad siding so you know it is a jungle. I offered that job to David last summer when he was unemployed but he wouldn't do it. So, this year, the offer is Mike's. I don't like his selling plasma all the time and I think his arms need a rest for a few months. And Mike needs the exercise. Pray for him. He has a hard time staying focused on tasks and I will be at work when he is supposed to be working. It is hard work and will take months to do by hand.

I do think I will have him stack the logs and such and see if anyone wants firewood. A woman my sister works with said they needed firewood badly as that is how they heat their home. My sister told her that the girl's boyfriend could come and get all the firewood they wanted for nothing. They could even chop down the trees! Then girl ask her, "Is it already cut?" My sister told her they would have to cut it. Apparently, that was too much work for free firewood. Idiot. I guess she hasn't gotten cold enough yet. I was cutting firewood for our wood stove when I was 15! With an ax! Daddy bought it in logs, cut in two foot lengths. We had to split it with an ax. Usually, he was too drunk on weekends to even pick up an ax. So, I cut it. I cut it whenever I was home from school and we needed wood to heat the house. What lazy people are living today. When the boys turned down manual labor jobs I told them both they haven't gotten hungry enough yet.

You know, I think I've just decided to start charging people to give my money away. From now on, if someone wants $20 they will have to do something for me. I think it only fair since I am having to work one hour at a highly skilled job to earn about that much, they should put in the equivalent in what they would earn at a specific job. Unskilled labor here is about $7 an hour. So, it takes three hours to cut the yard, you get $21.

So, by that logic, if it takes four hours to clean a section of siding, you get $28, etc. I believe two sections can be done in a week of four hour shifts, starting early in the morning so there won't be a lot of heat build up. He can be done by lunch and I can come home from lunch to see what's been done. I bet after one day he will think selling plasma is easier....

I should make a chart of wages for each job.... Then, when someone comes to ask for money, I can hand them the wage chart and let them pick! WOW what a great idea!

I can promise you I will end up cleaning the siding and cutting the yard after two weeks. I always do. Neither boy will come and help, not for love or money. Anyone out there with sons like that? I was astounded by this character. I always helped my Mama because I loved her and couldn't stand to see her doing things that she wasn't really supposed to be doing. I came in from school once and she was trying to chop wood! I got so mad and told her she was never to do it again. She didn't have to, I did. I think that that day I cried while I chopped wood.

O.k., enough of this. Honestly, I will do what has to be done. I always have with very little help from anyone. And thanks to Jerry I can afford to pay to have it all hauled away if I can get it to the street. After it is cleaned, maybe I will be able to keep it cleaned. We'll see.

I'm going. I have stuff to do before I go to the counselor's appointment. Mike came in a little while ago and said, "Mom, you look like crap!" He never says that to me! So, I think a tidy up is in order. He has gone to shop for a mower.

What Goes On

Want to see what happens on a typical Sunday morning at my church?

Over the Hump. . .

Mid-week is here. I am so tired this morning. End of month is always this mad rush right up until 5 p.m. I went home and finished the puzzle as you probably know by now. I was glad to be done with it. It was very satisfying to put in that last piece. And it is such a lovely scene that I just stood and stared at it. I turned off lights before bed and stood looking at the windows of that train. What an imagination I have!

Now, I'm getting ready to take a lunch break. I am going to lunch with Mike. Rather, he is going with me since he has no money. But I like doing things for them, you know. It is only money and once I am gone they won't have much by memories. I might as well make them good ones and if a Big Mac will give them that, so be it. We talk at meals. Mike never stops talking really. He is a continuous sound. Either on the phone or with someone he meets. It is why he can't live with any of us.

Everyone keeps asking how I am. I think the counselor is right. I'm a very good actress. I feel as if my chest will explode all the time but I go about my business and do my job, go home and go through the motions of living. I don't really think very much about anything from one minute to the next. I still can't remember things either. Every day feels very empty and I find myself aimless, not really wanting to walk across the room, let alone take the garbage out. I had to do that last night.

So, I really don't feel less hollow. How am I? Nothing has changed. I can pretend really well for a few hours but then the walls just close in and I'm back to January 29th, waking up, rushing around the bed, calling to him, breathing, listening, watching. It never really goes away. I just get better as throwing up the facade.

Puzzled No More

It is finished. The train can now finish it's journey to whatever mysterious place it is headed for.

I put the last piece in tonight and posted the photos for you to see. It is a beautiful puzzle. I will leave it in place until my aunt and uncle get here on Friday and can see it. I really want to frame it. I can't believe how pretty it looks in the dark.

I want to jump on the train and ride to far away places. I want to watch the forest and mountains fly past in the darkness and hear the wolf cry. I want to watch the sun come up over the valleys and watch the mist rise on the wind. I want to hear the bird singing as the sun rises. I want to smell the scent of the coal mingle with the scent of sun-drenched forest and watch as deer leap along beside the train as it races to its destination.

And I want to do it all with Jerry seated next to me. I want to lay back with the sun on my face and my head on his shoulder and ride forever.

There is no escape.

Reporters Without Borders - Annual Worldwide Press Freedom Index - 2008

Think the US is at the top of the list for Freedom of Speech? Think again. Check out this list of nations who are considered to have the most liberty in freedom of the press. Uh, the US is 36th on the list with several others.

Press Freedom Index 2008

Only peace protects freedoms in post-9/11 world

Link

Slow Day in the Fast Lane

I didn't stop all day. I worked from the time I hit the door until 5:20. I left and went to the bank where I had to sit in the drive through 20 minutes waiting while they helped some old lady. She deposited a fist of checks and then she tried to cash a check but they told her that her account only had $2 in it. She said, "With all the money I just put in there?" He told her because she had deposited checks they wouldn't post until tomorrow. She wasn't happy. I eventually got out after two other people. I got there about 5:30 and left at 5:45!

I came home and Mike was here. He didn't want to go out to eat. I had arranged to take all of them to supper so I could have a real meal where I could sit down with my children. It ended up Dave, Becca, Sarah and I went to dinner while Mike stayed on the computer. He said he had crackers. Probably a whole stack of Ritz. But he and I had lunch and a movie on Saturday together.

We came home and visited while I worked on my puzzle. I have more photos to upload. I am so excited. It is nearly finished. I did a lot tonight, pieces that have been driving me crazy just fell into place as if I had put them there before.

I have a theory about puzzle building. I believe if you look at the puzzle and the pieces scattered around carefully for several minutes before you leave it, when you come back the next time you will actually be able to put in the first several pieces on the first try. I don't know why I think this works but I believe it does. Usually the first dozen pieces are amazingly simple. I can't believe I pick up a piece and know right where it goes. This has happened so frequently that it can't be coincidence. I always scan the puzzle before I leave it for any length of time, particularly parts that are challenging me.

Well, it's my theory and as long as it works I'll keep doing it. I'd be interested in knowing the results if any of you try this sometime. Of course, all you who are wanting to try a puzzle have to go GET one first.

Why do I think this works? Because, putting patterns together is what the brain is good at. The more you put patterns together the easier it gets. My uncle, when they were here the week following the funeral said I don't put puzzles together like everyone else. I didn't know what he meant. Not sure I do yet. I don't think I do. But the whole family was involved in puzzles for over a week and I watched how they did it. It seemed very inefficient to me for some reason I couldn't pinpoint. So, I must be doing something differently but can't figure out what it is.

Anyway, it fascinates me. And soon, my train will be on its way through the snow filled, moonlit valley. Keep watching.

I'm getting ready for bed. I took my pills late tonight and I am concerned I'll wake up late so I'm going to try and turn in on time.

My sister Roselynn's blog has an updated look. And she is not Child of Seven. Give it a look.

Another Reason to Hide Your Profile

I never put my real name on my blog... anywhere. Not even in my profile. Read this article and you'll see why.

People Search Engines

Evening Falls

A storm blew in and I sat and paid bills. Here are the clouds over the garage. You can see how bad a shape this end of the house is in. Needs pain and gutters up.






And here is a shot from the back door, looking across the yard to where the railroad runs between us and the street. You can see the mess they leave, too. The only saving grace is that in summer it is all green and woodsy so my yard is completely shielded from view.





Here is one from the front door after the rain really began to fall. My little Focus needed a wash. I need a new awing, too. This one leaks a bit and looks terrible but taking it down would mean I'm drenched in every rainfall while I fumble with keys to get inside.




Here is the last shot. I had the camera set to take a close-up and forgot to set it back. But it worked out well. You can see the raindrops! That was what I wanted but didn't know how to do it with this camera.

Now, for my next trick. I've had wash going, made my bed with clean sheets, and messed around here. I'm ready for real food. The Subway sandwich at lunch is long gone and I've had too much candy for someone with my insulin disorder. Only coffee since we got home from the movie. I want real food but have no idea what I want. I have salad makings and Raspberry vinaigrette dressing and I have spicy chicken strips with ranch dressing to cool them down a bit. Sounds like a plan.

First, however, a nice hot shower and a wash of the mop. May see you all later or may just watch HULU for a bit. Hope you all have a good weekend.

Knowing is a Wow!

Just got back from the movie starring Nicholas Cage - "Knowing".

Well, I must say it was a really good movie. Do not take young children, please. There is some action that is disturbing because of the nature of the events are violent (subway crash) but over all this was the cleanest movie I believe I've ever seen. No cursing, no nudity, no gratuitous violence. Mike said that Cage said "shit" twice. I don't recall that at all so it wasn't obvious. It was quiet sobering in some respects.

The is a movie about a little girl who in 1958 foretold all major disasters up to 2009. These were sealed in a time capsule at her school to be opened in 50 years. This comes into Cage's possession in 2009, through his son, who received it at the opening ceremony. Cage is a scientist who believes that everything is random chance and can't be predicted. So, these prophecies are a challenge to him. And three prophecies have not happened. When he realizes this, he sets about to stop them.

The most disturbing part of this for me was that he was a widow and talked about the lost of his wife. It was painful, to say the least. I don't cry at movies but this nearly did me in a few times. His questions and pain were an echo for me.

For those of you with a religious background, it is a very religious movie. Yes, you heard me. The thing is absolutely filled with religious overtones and Biblical thought. Not preachy stuff. Not a morality show. Just subtle, well, not subtle to me, but subtle Biblical overtones.

Go to the site and view the trailers: Knowing and see for yourself.

I talked to my cousin Dan a while ago and he agreed with me about the religious overtones. He said when he came out he felt like he needed to go to church. LOL! That's so Danny. He liked the movie, too.

Afternoon Ideas

I think I'm going to see a movie. Alone, since I don't actually have anyone to go with me, well, I could go with Mike.

He isn't even up yet but I can see if he wants to go. Maybe I will... movies aren't much fun alone anyway.

I don't have any other plans. Unless it is shop for a laptop. I really want one but don't know why except my original concept was that I'd have a computer to write on when Jerry wanted to be online. And I could take it with us when we went somewhere. This was to be the year things got better for us and we could do some of the things we kept putting off to help our children. Now, I can do all those things if I want. I don't.

So, maybe a laptop is a luxury I don't need. Will I use it? Will I actually write more if I have it with me. I don't know. At the moment, things are difficult and I can't really think much. I do think the antidepressant is helping, although slowly. I'm sleeping more but I learned last night that it and the muscle relaxant should be taken early. Had a terrible time getting up by 9 and took two hours for my head to clear. I could have slept in since I no longer have a life but I really wanted to get up.

I truly would like to start living again. But I don't know how. There are no plans to make, no places to go, no discussions although with him sleeping so much that had virtually dried up. I don't have to cook, clean or wash clothes for anyone but me. I'd just as soon not.

It is raining outside.

A movie it is. Mike and I are going to see the "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage.

Up Late

I'm going to bed in a moment but stopped to post a few things. I've put up a couple of puzzle photos to track the progress. Maybe another week of this and it will be done.

I also put up a few of Sarah. I shot these tonight while they came by for a visit.

I took my meds late tonight because of this but I'm ready for sleep now so I think they are working ok. I will pop in tomorrow if I can. I have lots I need to do. Bill paying for example.

Hope you all have a good and warm weekend. It's cold here.

Gloomy Fridays

Friday rolls in again. I am at work and want to go home. In a few minutes I am going to get off and get to work on files. I've been working for the last hour but stopped to take a moment and post something. I've slept better the last several night since I've been taking my muscle relaxant and the Doxepin. Gone in minutes when I lie down. That's good.

Thinking isn't so good. I am one of those people who relives things over and over and it is a curse. I see and hear them repeatedly. I know that what I am experiencing is post traumatic stress and I really don't know how to stop it. Does it go away on its own? A lady at church said I must stop feeling guilty but I don't know how to do that either. Everyone can say it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I did everything I could. Only I know where I failed. I know, no one else.

I know what I should have done, should have been doing and I didn't. Because I was so wrapped up in hurt and disappointment and failures that I couldn't see what was happening. And he didn't tell me anything. I should have realized he couldn't climb the stairs to see Sarah. Nothing else would have kept him away. But I didn't see it. I should have realized he couldn't walk far because he couldn't breath. I didn't see it. I never even looked that hard. I had just given up trying to see anything because he never listened to what I was saying. At least it seemed like he wasn't. But maybe he simply could focus on it enough to understand. I don't know about that either.

Back to work for me before this degenerates into a crying session. I wish I could forget a lot of things.

Chugging Along

I've added more puzzle photos. As you will see, my little train is chugging along in the valley. You can now see the river that runs along the bottom of the photo. It's black there in the darkness where the snow ends and ice begins. And the tops of the mountains are beginning to take shape.

Look at the glowing photos. This is going to be an awesome picture when finished. I am really excited about it. I can only sit for about an hour before my neck gets the better of me. Not sure this table is any better than the low one I was using. I think it is but I still get a sore neck,.

I'm off for the bathroom, then a simple sandwich for supper and bed. I took my
Doxepin again when I got home and already am feeling sleepy. My lack of sleep last night will probably factor into this. I also took the muscle relaxant so between them, I should rest tonight.

Toodles everyone!

Early Birds and Worms

I'm on my way to work this rainy day. Weather has cooled again so back to the sweaters.

I added my latest puzzle photo. It is coming along. I will have to do another "dark" one so you can see how the glow is progressing. Mike saw it last night and said, "You ought to frame that one, Mom. It's going to be cool."

I may do that. It is cool.

I had a very bad night and have had very little sleep but there is a move briefing today so must go to work. I don't believe I'll be going to the cemetery very often for a while. It is not good for me. I had to call Mike to come over about 10:00 and stay with me a while.

I'm cleaning out contacts again. I do this periodically. I get rid of blank or MIA's. Those who with empty blogs or who've been gone for a year or who're now posting things I don't find interesting. In previous purges, those purged never noticed! I've never heard a word from them and they still don't post. Half a dozen no longer have a blog, I've checked! So, spring cleaning begins.

Don't worry, those of you who've been here a while know who you are and that you're safe! LOL! .

Puzzling Preoccupation

Much is begin said about my puzzling attraction to puzzles. I'll use this post to answer some of the question.

No, I don't frame them. I take them apart and put them away until I want to do them again. I have several and I share them with my uncle at times. Puzzles are 100% recyclable. They are the perfect gift. If you hate it, you can find someone else to give it to who will love it. Many people in my family love puzzles. And even those who say they don't like them get hooked walking by on occassion. They almost always stop and try a few pieces.

I have been doing puzzles since I was big enough to stand at the table with Mama. I remember "helping" her when I was probably not much older than Sarah. I think the brain has to be wired for this. I love mysteries of any sort and figuring out how things work. I like fairly complicated puzzles. I don't want very simply ones. I'm done too fast. I have to have at least 750 pieces or better and the picture must be interesting or beautiful. Or both. I've been doing paintings lately and they tend to be the most difficult. Brushstrokes are a nightmare to figure out. Is it a leaf or a drop of paint?

I love sewing probably for the same reason I love puzzles. It is putting pieces together to form a picture. When you work puzzles, you think of nothing else. You are looking for patterns and it takes nearly your whole concentration. They are very theraputic and engrossing. But I do not sit for hours on end. I may but not usually. I usually sit down for a short time and work a section. I don't try and see the big picture from the beginning except to see where things go. I look at the small sections, a leaf, a knot on a tree, the way the snow lies in the current effort. I separate the outside from the inside and then sort by patterns, colors, and visible objects. Hence, the train came together very quickly.

Puzzles are very good to keep the brian active. They stimulate parts of the brain that are often affected in alzheimer's disease. The younger you start the better you are at them. They help develop other areas of the brain improve functions related to geometry and mathematics.

Everyone benefits from putting them together. If you do it as a family, as we did when my aunt, uncle and sisters were here, it is a lot of fun. Everyone works on a section but they will often find pieces you're looking for. One night three of us put together a 750 piece puzzle in about three hours time. That was astounding and we couldn't stop.

Sarah already has several puzzles and we sit and put them together with her. She needs help on some and others she has already learned for herself. She loves puzzles.

I see several weeks of work on the current puzzle. It is on a table, out of the way but conveniently located for me or anyone to work on it. I can work on it and listen to music or even listen to a program, bearing in mind I will miss a bit of the program here and there. But I"ve developed an ability to work on these and listen to other things. How many of you read and watch t.v.? My sisters and I all do.

So, you can see I am an avid puzzle fan. And I strongly encourage others to try them. Particularly if you need a strong diversion. It does work. Start small. A puzzle that is 250 pieces is very small and won't take forever. It is not overwhelming and will still present a challenge to the neophyte.

I'm off to bed now. Yes, very early for me. I took one of my Doxepin at 6 and by 9 p.m. I was groggy. I hope this is readable. It sure was hard to write. LOL

Sunday School

I'm up and dressed and waiting for Mike to get here. I called to see if Sarah was going to go with me this morning but once again, she is not up.

I've very disappointed in this. Jerry and I were faithful to see that our sons were in church, even if one was sick the other took the children. Our sons were faithful until they met women who were not as faithful. One girl was a preacher's daughter but looked for every reason not to go to church. Thankfully, she and Mike had no children before she decided to divorce him. He has never been the same, but he does try. I thought David's wife was different in that respect but it is becoming more and more apparent that it isn't going to happen.

I love my daughter-in-law, truly. But she makes excuses. She doesn't work and is home all week but she had to stay up Friday and Saturday night so she and her mom could clean the two bedroom apartment. ????? So, what is going on all week? Well, Sarah has been sick some but five days and no cleaning? And there is a pattern here. This is the norm after she attends any church for a period. Excuses. Why don't people just stand up and say, "I don't believe. I don't love God. I don't want to go to church. I don't like church." Excuses are just lies. I can't stand that.

Mother's are the first example their children see. What you do is what they will do. What you think will be mirrored in their attitudes and thoughts. How you behave will be how they behave. If you are faithless, so too will they be. Children of smokers often smoke. Children of alcoholics often become alocholics. Children of abusers often become abusers. Children of faithless parents are usually faithless. This is borne out in the Bible. Like the children of Israel who married the pagan conquered peoples around them, my sons married uncommitted women and have become lax and faithless.

Admittedly they had a problems before they married but had they married committed women, the chances are they would have become more committed. The Bible is filled with such stories. There is a reason for that. My sons' lives show this as well. Failure after failure because they have walked away from their heritage. If you aren't a believer, you won't understand this and that's ok.

Faithfulness to God is filled with overflowing blessings. And to whine about your life or a problems when you are unfaithful to God is ludicrous. My poor Jerry missed church for three weeks before he died. I remember his sadness and depression over this. How badly he wanted to be there. But he was so tired and he overslept. He couldn't figure out why he was so tired and neither could I. I just though he was working too hard. I was having pain problems so I let him sleep. I wish I'd wakened him so he could have had his hearts desire for a bit longer.

And my granddaughter is learning her faithfulness from her parents. They are her example. Their attitudes toward the house of God are being formed. Sarah hates sunday school because she's ever been in one for very long before they start missing.

I've vented enough. If I say all this to my children, they will be angry. They will if they read it too but I am not accountable to them for this. I am only accountable to God in my efforts to point my children in the right direction. I see my daughter-in-law as one of my children because I see such potential in her life. And the loss of that potential will impact Sarah.

The housework is more important that that, I suppose.



How I wish my sons could have his hearts desires.

Late Night Struggles

I've been off the meds for days now and I understand the addiction potential of Xanax. It has been very difficult, evenings especially. I miss Jerry coming home and chatting a bit before bed.

I took flowers to the cemetery today and found that his stone had arrived and was set. It was so hard. Somehow that stone made it final. His name carved there meant he isn't coming back.

This can't be happening. Every night I struggle with going to bed. I lay there in the dark and cry until I am worn out and wonder how long this will last. How long do I keep feeling like my chest will explode? How long do I stop feeling as if I too am dying? As if I've lost half myself?

I dusted the study and ran the vacuum today. And I walked around and realized that this house is too big for one person. It's empty of warmth and light. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't know if I will stay here or not. I have a lot of repairs to do and once they are done, I could leave if I wanted to. I'll have a small income that would help me relocate if need be.

But Jerry is here, three blocks away, but here. He is here in the house, around every corner, in photos, in his favorite shirt in the closet. In my head and heart and the breath I breathe. I don't know how to go beyond this point and it hurts.

I am finding that I don't want to talk to people or go anywhere. My aunt calls several times a day and I know she worries. My brother calls and he is learning to use his computer on the road.I've been helping him set up his messenger and learn to use it. He's never done that before. So I talk but when I'm done, I just feel so isolated and hollow. I realize that I am feeling something I have never in my life remembered feeling for any length of time. Abject loneliness. Soul engulfing aloneness. I've never before experienced such absence of presence.

I can't get to sleep and then I don't sleep well. I'm beginning to feel that lack. Tonight, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed and try to get up for church tomorrow.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I stopped taking the Xanax two days ago. I do not like having my brain cloudy for hours at a stretch. I can't get a lot done when I take it. At night I spend the evening in a drowsy state where I can't really read or think well. So, I'm dealing with reality. And I don't know if I'm doing it well or not.

Last night was horrible but not as horrible as February. I slept terribly. I am to see the grief counselor today. It probably useless. I think the blog is much more effective at working out emotions.

I've discovered that pills soothe the conscience. One doesn't feel very guilty about anything on pills. One doesn't worry about a lot either. Life sort of drifts by in a daze and you really don't care. When something upsets you, you feel competent to handle it, after you take a nap. You hurt a bit but the pills convince you that it isn't too bad and you'll be fine, you'll get through this. . . with their help. Just like Alice in Wonderland with her little bottle that said "Drink me" they call to you.

That's not living. So, I fired them. And today, my pain levels are rising because of that choice. Lack of sleep and stress. I guess some of the pain I have is anxiety related. But at least I can feel something. The doctors will not be happy.

I still have the pills if it becomes unbearable. I can always jump through the looking glass again.

Another Loss

I'm not feeling well today. I'm all right but my heart is heavy with another loss and I can't repair this any more than I can the other. Until this morning I didn't know how to deal with it. Today, I'm tired. I realized this morning I no longer care about certain things. The impact things have on me has shifted. I don't know why or how or if it is permanent. I just know I've changed.

Someone at work told me they knew I was stressed yesterday and I seemed much calmer today. I looked at her and said, "Today I don't really care." She laughed and I said, "Really. I'm tired and I just don't care about anything."

I'll probably be posting about what brought this on. Now is not the time. I am still sorting out my feelings and frustrations. One thing it did for me is make me re-evaluate some of the ideas I had about possibly relocating. It clarified to me who I am, where I belong, and why I ended up where I am. The glaring light of reality cleared that right up. I'd known it before but I had forgot. I won't forget again. I'll come back here and read my posts just so I can keep my path straight.

Prayer Request

I am posting this only for my contacts. Our family has had another tragedy that I am unable to discuss here. My sister Roselynn and her family need prayer now. God knows what is going on, so please just lift her and her family up in prayer for a while.

What is Happening in My World?

Stolen from Riete first... and then Katey.

Outside my window ... gloom with a portent of rain.

I am thinking ... that I’m tired for some unknown reason.

I am thankful for ... the use of my hands and eyes

From the kitchen ... there is no sound. Could be because we aren’t speaking. Dishes are clean because I did them last night. I went and got Sarah and Becca and had a burger. Mike just ate in there and I'll have a couple of items but whatever.

I am wearing ... aqua sweater, black skirt, hose, and low heeled shoes I wear to work. Most comfortable shoe I’ve had in a long time. The hose keep my legs warm as I don’t wear slacks.

I am creating ... this post. I did write some last night on Mist for about five minutes and will probably get back to it soon.

I am going ... maybe take a nap to cure the tired? I have federal taxes to do for myself and state taxes to do for Mike, Sue, and me.

I am reading ... “Through a Season of Grief” by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard. I don’t know if it is good and I’m not sure it is helping but since it is single page readings, it is manageable under my current mental state. I can’t concentrate long. Also, blogs, which work well for short attention spans . . . unless they are as long as mine.

I am hoping ... that I regain my sanity, ability to think, write, and pay attention again.

I am hearing ... the television. Mike brought his antenna over out of sympathy and said he never watched t.v. anyway. Since he is partially deaf, I can hear everything he is watching.

Around the house ...there is nothing happening unless you count Mike on the phone.

One of my favorite things ... I can’t remember any …. Maybe I should do this again in a few years.

Plans for the rest of the week ... week? How about next five minutes or next five years. I have no plans except work and taxes.

Picture of where I would like to be .... There is no picture for that.

Explanations and Details

I left the impression in my last post that I thought badly of the people at my church. I don't feel that way at all. I don't mean to imply that these are not "good" people. They are wonderful people, those I know personally especially. Those I don't, well, I don't know but they seem so. As a whole, it is a great church to attend for prayer, praise and worship. Both my church and my son's outdid themselves when Jerry died. I would have been lost without their assistance. They know what to do and they did it well. One of the women there is a friend from college but much younger than I and with young children. She's a wonderful person but again, we are talking about a large age gap.

The realities are that I've always been disappointed. I have no social friends there at all. Over time, several became more friendly but I've been there for ten years and even today I could walk in, sit down, and leave without ever having anyone say a word to me or me to them. There are perhaps four or five women I am "friendly" with but I've never seen them socially unless it was a church function. So, I can't say I have any close friends there.

They've just never been friendly with me outside of church functions. I got to where I didn't really enjoy those because I ended up sitting alone with my husband and no one talked to us. Oh, I just remembered an amusing detail. Once, Mike, my oldest son, was about 15 or 16 and he felt bad for me because no one talked to me. He went to several women in the church and told them this and asked them to go talk to me. They told me about it and laughed. I did too, but had I been them, I'd have been embarrassed. They didn't appear to be.

Actually, the men are all much more sociable than the women! They all talk to me! But I can't very well become close friends with them!

I've seen a lot of people come and go and some I know were because they felt distanced. I'm sure that many people do care, they just can't be bothered by other people. Maybe they work, maybe they're sick, maybe they just are forgetful. But it takes a lot of effort to be a friend to someone.So, as a result of my "welcome" when we first went there, I make a point to welcome visitors more warmly, not the usual, single, "How are you, glad to have you" but a hug and smile, and my name and where do you live, I live in I work at, etc. If they come back, I try and always stop and chat a bit.

What I believe is that if you are see a person, you have an obligation to extend your hands in any situation. If I'm standing five feet from you I will acknowledge you, even if you haven't made eye contact. I'll usually go tap you on the shoulder. Most people think, "If I don't look at them, I don't have to talk to them". Humans do this in every social setting. It is why we can see a beggar on the street and never feel a thing. We don't look so they don't exist. It's simply not true. Even I've looked the other way but I try not to. But when someone is down, they can't see anything. It is up to those around them to assist.

Jerry and I chose this church for our sons after several visits. There was a group of wonderful young men that welcomed my boys. And the men welcomed my husband. My husband loved it and we remained even after our sons left. But the first two years, I hated it. I never wanted to go there but I did for them. I tried to make friends and just get acquainted with other women. I couldn't seem to get anywhere. I even invited one woman and her husband over to our house our first year there. She replied, "You and your husband are quite a bit older than we are." I was stunned and never ever tried that again. Later I learned I am four years older than she...the same age as her sister!

However, I continued to go for my family. I believe that God blessed me in other ways because of that. Over time, I learned to love the pastor and his wife. They so obviously care for these people. And when she died, it was terrible. He is older, too and we will, at some point, have a transition. It has already begun. Jerry and I were uncertain if we would stay when that happened and now, I do not know if I will stay. The replacement is a good man and I believe sincere in his walk but I'm not crazy about it. I have prayed for God to give him wisdom and his wife also and to make them more approachable because since I've been there, they have been the most unapproachable people. Only in the last year has she really changed at all from hardly speaking to actually asking how I am.

But honestly, I don't know what my plans are at this point. I do not have a sense of loss at the thought of leaving there and that strikes me as odd. As I said, there are people I like there. But I don't think I'll be missed very much, if at all. I doubt anyone will notice when I'm gone, unless it is the pastor.

However, I never make such changes without praying about it first. When it is time, I'll leave. I'm not sure that isn't what I'm feeling now but they say don't make any decisions for at least three months. So, I'll wait. April will be three months.

When I was going to college, I attended a different church. They were pretty much the same way but even my husband and sons felt isolated. During that time, I prayed for a friend. I met a woman in college who became my best friend. She was not and is not a Christian. Since college we haven't seen each other much as we live in different towns about 20 miles apart. She teaches and I work so our lives have diverged. But I remember thinking, how sad that my best friend can't pray for me or share spiritual things. She was a non believer but she was such a good supportive friend in other ways. We'd study together and complain about our families, classes, professors and go to lunch and talk about the interest we did share. I'd pray for her but she just wasn't interested in religion. Still isn't.

Today, another one of my best friends is a person who doesn't share my beliefs but shares many of my hurts and frustrations. I can't sit and discuss a lot of things I would like to discuss but she is the person who, who alters her lunch plans to go meet me for lunch so I am not alone.

God uses stones if he can't use his people. And, then, He showed me blogging. And I have all of you with whom I can discuss all those other things!

I figured out long ago I don't go to church for friends. I go to worship. Real friends find you, you don't have to go searching for them.

Companions to Grief

There aren't any.Well, precious few.

I am working at home again today and I haven't even started. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I am going to have to take the medicines early I think. I called my doctor and the nurse called and said they will let me know if they want to change the medicines or if I can just take it earlier in the afternoon.

I am having the most trouble in the late afternoon and early evening. I am just panicky and more stressed. I don't take the medicine until nearly 9 so I can sleep but that hasn't been working well. I don't won't to go to bed too early cause I just get up earlier. I get up just in time to get ready and get to work so getting up earlier will only mean I am sitting here in this empty house longer in the morning.

I never see anyone but Mike. My sister comes by when she is off work at the same time I am but that is usually only once a week. My other son is around somewhere. He needed a ride to the park the other night so I got to see and talk to him then.

I went to church on Sunday but it is so difficult. And people don't really want to talk to the woman with the dead husband. I think about two people spoke to me Sunday night when I got to church. So, I just left the building as soon as church was over.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who has to have crowds oooohing over me. And I don't go to church for the people.... good thing, too. But you'd think people would actually care about the people who sit on the pews! The pastor has always called when we missed church. When Jerry died three people that I know about from the church called aside from the pastor and assistant pastor. I don't know who was at the funeral. I'm grateful for those who made the effort to be there and I think there were several but it wasn't about them. And there was ice everywhere and people had no power. But that's been a month and a half ago.

This is what is so stupid to me. I've had a couple of people say, "Now you call if you need anything." Helloooo, I'm the one with the dead husband. You call me to lift me up and encourage me. I shouldn't have to call you to say "talk to me, please so I can forget for five minutes!"

I only continued going to church there for Jerry. In fact, for the first two years, I didn't want to go there at all. He loved it and I do love the pastor and the services are wonderful. But frankly, in a church of a couple of hundred people, I can list on one hand the number of people who even speak to me when I am there. And those people do say they love me.

I live 15 miles one way from the church. There are several churches closer to me. That should tell people something about me. At nearly $4 a gallon we still drove there to church.

I had a conversation with a person from the church a week after the funeral where I related something about myself. They looked at me and said, "I had no idea of that about you." I wanted to say "Really? Wonder why that is?" This was not someone I rarely see or say hello to. See, I do say hello. I even stand in the foyer and look around me after church Well, I used to. Recently, I've stopped bothering.

Maybe I don't get involved enough. I work five days a week and Saturday is my only day to get caught up at home. But when I did the church paper for six year and worked on the monitor system, it was no different.

I think the problem is that I don't belong to a clique. I'm the wrong size or my teeth aren't white enough or straight enough, or my color matching is off somehow. Someone told me once that I looked too smart! LOL, really. Can't remember who that was or where but they said people don't want to talk to someone who looks like they are very smart. That's so stupid that I suspect it is true.

Tell me something, is it me or are church families actually supposed to converse? I grew up in a small church where I adored everyone and they adored me. I talked with every person in the church and if I didn't they wanted to know why. It was a small town and a small church. But I've been many places since then and I've watched the trend. So, what has happened to the church? Or have things changed since I grew up?

I live 12 hours from all of my family. I get a call every single day from someone in my family... long distance is free for most of us now-a-days. They call to see how I am or just to tell me about their day. I suppose they feel they have to do this? No, they do it because they love me and are concerned. And you know what, when I hear from them so often, I feel I should actually return the calls! I want to know how they are!

Imagine that.

I guess I feel uncared for by the "saints". Let me see. "Pure religion and undefiled is......" anyone care to finish that scripture? It is in James 1:27.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Oh.

What hypocrites we are. That or I'm just not a member of the family.

O.k., I've had my whine and I'm now hungry so I'll go have the cheese. I'm feeling much too sorry for myself and that leads to depression - which I refuse to add to the rest of my troubles.

I promise not to run everyone down so much. You really do find out who cares when trouble comes your way. I do not know how I would have made it without my family and my friends here and at work. I know you think it may sound crazy but just getting a single note from someone is so comforting. Someone thought about you. Someone actually cared enough to say so. Thank you.

And I'm sorry if I've neglected any of you during all of this. I'll try and do better. I don't want to be one of those who passes by when someone is in need, who can't be touched by another's grief or pain.

Senseless

I don't know why every night when I start home I get sick to my stomach. I just do. The whole drive home I am nauseous. I feel as if I am going to throw up and the thought of food is horrible. Every day.Mike is here each evening waiting for me and stays until about 9 p.m. so I am not alone then.

When I leave the house for any reason, on my way back I feel this same sickness. I find myself using up my cell minutes to talk to someone while I am driving, something that is a cardinal sin in my view. I never ever talk on the cell and drive. I forbid my sons to drive and talk on the cell with me in the car. I never allow it, ever. Yet now, every time I am in the car on my way home, I call someone to keep me from being sick. But it doesn't really work. I still feel sick.

After work I came home and then, I went and got Sarah and her parents. I took them to the park down the street for a bit and then took them back home. Same reaction. Heading home made me ill.

I don't know why. Dread maybe, of coming home. I don't have anywhere to go and no one to see. This is my home. . . was my home. I sit here looking around and listening. It isn't home anymore. I don't care about it anymore.

A Fool Returns

I told y'all he'd come back! He did. The Prince1956 of fools sent me a second invitation to be his wife! What an idiot! He can't even read English.

You know, I think this nut is Arab. His site looked like it. So, if America is such a great Satan and a bunch of infidels, why don't you folks leave our women alone? Particularly this one. I'm not interested in any society that views women as property and inferior to men.

He's blocked now.