Friday. In the Study. Studying.

WARNING! This post can probably be called a gripe session. If you are offended or think you may be offended, leave quietly now and no one will get hurt.

I stayed home today. My stomach has been a bit cranky since yesterday. Just lots of grumbling and all that accompanies a stomach bug.

That isn't the only reason. I'm not doing well at all. I don't know what is wrong. I get upset over the least thing. I fall apart watching things for no reason. I see the counselor today at 3 and must get dressed soon.

I don't think I know why I am doing this. I am hurting so bad and I feel very frightened a lot of the time. I don't know how to fix it since I don't know what I am afraid of. I'm not afraid of my anything tangible. It is this hovering fear that simply stops me in my tracks at unsuspecting moments. I have to go to the bathroom or close my door at work. If I stop thinking for a minute it creeps up. At home, it is harder because I am idle more. I can't find ways to escape. Ultimately, I have to redirect my thinking and focus on something else. I get illogically upset if things are out of place or missing.

I sat and listened to a young preacher online last night. It was a very good message and he was a very good preacher. It was the Elevation Church. He preached about The Dip. You may know it better as the valley or the place where everything goes wrong. It was really good because I had not thought about some of the reasons that these places occur in our lives. I really found it enlightening. I can't say it made me feel better but it did remind me that it isn't always something we do or don't do that puts us in those places. I was aware of the concepts he presented and I did "know" it. I've even said as much myself but sometimes, in the crisis, someone else has to point out what is happening to you.

I still don't understand but maybe I will. Yet, I don't like this hollow feeling in my chest or the pain I get at unexpected times. I don't like feeling alone or friendless or abandoned.

I am flying to Myrtle Beach, S. C. next weekend to spend about four days with my aunt and uncle and friends of theirs, well, and mine, too, I guess. I've known them since I was about 15. They're really nice people. I know it will be fun and good for me to get away. I hate being away from my sons but since I don't really see them much I don't guess it matters.

David is working and I am so glad. I hope it goes well for him. I just wish so much he'd get his diploma. Jerry and I had such high hopes for David. He is smarter than he thinks but he doesn't seem able to even see it or try. I have no influence there. I've decided not to even bother anymore. I know he can do a lot better than a sales clerk at Sears. He is in church much more now and seems to really want to work on that more. I am happy for him. I don't think he ever really sees that he does better at everything when he is faithful. Still, they don't really care what I think and I get told so in no uncertain terms. So, I have decided to offer no further assistance there.

Mike thought he had a job but they changed their minds. He was upset. I don't know what to do to help him. I have told him if he will work on the yard this summer I will pay him instead of his having to go to the plasma bank for the next three months. He says he will but we will see. You have all seen the photos of the railroad siding so you know it is a jungle. I offered that job to David last summer when he was unemployed but he wouldn't do it. So, this year, the offer is Mike's. I don't like his selling plasma all the time and I think his arms need a rest for a few months. And Mike needs the exercise. Pray for him. He has a hard time staying focused on tasks and I will be at work when he is supposed to be working. It is hard work and will take months to do by hand.

I do think I will have him stack the logs and such and see if anyone wants firewood. A woman my sister works with said they needed firewood badly as that is how they heat their home. My sister told her that the girl's boyfriend could come and get all the firewood they wanted for nothing. They could even chop down the trees! Then girl ask her, "Is it already cut?" My sister told her they would have to cut it. Apparently, that was too much work for free firewood. Idiot. I guess she hasn't gotten cold enough yet. I was cutting firewood for our wood stove when I was 15! With an ax! Daddy bought it in logs, cut in two foot lengths. We had to split it with an ax. Usually, he was too drunk on weekends to even pick up an ax. So, I cut it. I cut it whenever I was home from school and we needed wood to heat the house. What lazy people are living today. When the boys turned down manual labor jobs I told them both they haven't gotten hungry enough yet.

You know, I think I've just decided to start charging people to give my money away. From now on, if someone wants $20 they will have to do something for me. I think it only fair since I am having to work one hour at a highly skilled job to earn about that much, they should put in the equivalent in what they would earn at a specific job. Unskilled labor here is about $7 an hour. So, it takes three hours to cut the yard, you get $21.

So, by that logic, if it takes four hours to clean a section of siding, you get $28, etc. I believe two sections can be done in a week of four hour shifts, starting early in the morning so there won't be a lot of heat build up. He can be done by lunch and I can come home from lunch to see what's been done. I bet after one day he will think selling plasma is easier....

I should make a chart of wages for each job.... Then, when someone comes to ask for money, I can hand them the wage chart and let them pick! WOW what a great idea!

I can promise you I will end up cleaning the siding and cutting the yard after two weeks. I always do. Neither boy will come and help, not for love or money. Anyone out there with sons like that? I was astounded by this character. I always helped my Mama because I loved her and couldn't stand to see her doing things that she wasn't really supposed to be doing. I came in from school once and she was trying to chop wood! I got so mad and told her she was never to do it again. She didn't have to, I did. I think that that day I cried while I chopped wood.

O.k., enough of this. Honestly, I will do what has to be done. I always have with very little help from anyone. And thanks to Jerry I can afford to pay to have it all hauled away if I can get it to the street. After it is cleaned, maybe I will be able to keep it cleaned. We'll see.

I'm going. I have stuff to do before I go to the counselor's appointment. Mike came in a little while ago and said, "Mom, you look like crap!" He never says that to me! So, I think a tidy up is in order. He has gone to shop for a mower.