Over the Hump. . .

Mid-week is here. I am so tired this morning. End of month is always this mad rush right up until 5 p.m. I went home and finished the puzzle as you probably know by now. I was glad to be done with it. It was very satisfying to put in that last piece. And it is such a lovely scene that I just stood and stared at it. I turned off lights before bed and stood looking at the windows of that train. What an imagination I have!

Now, I'm getting ready to take a lunch break. I am going to lunch with Mike. Rather, he is going with me since he has no money. But I like doing things for them, you know. It is only money and once I am gone they won't have much by memories. I might as well make them good ones and if a Big Mac will give them that, so be it. We talk at meals. Mike never stops talking really. He is a continuous sound. Either on the phone or with someone he meets. It is why he can't live with any of us.

Everyone keeps asking how I am. I think the counselor is right. I'm a very good actress. I feel as if my chest will explode all the time but I go about my business and do my job, go home and go through the motions of living. I don't really think very much about anything from one minute to the next. I still can't remember things either. Every day feels very empty and I find myself aimless, not really wanting to walk across the room, let alone take the garbage out. I had to do that last night.

So, I really don't feel less hollow. How am I? Nothing has changed. I can pretend really well for a few hours but then the walls just close in and I'm back to January 29th, waking up, rushing around the bed, calling to him, breathing, listening, watching. It never really goes away. I just get better as throwing up the facade.