Mike and I went to church this morning. I don't want to say I didn't enjoy it. That isn't exactly true. I love being in church. I can't say what was going on with me because I don't know how. I was simply terribly sad all through church.
I don't fit there or anywhere. I have no place, no purpose, and no plans. I am moving through time at a steady pace with no desire to make a stop anywhere along the way. I have no identity and no sense of belonging to anyone or any place. If I disappear tomorrow no one will notice. Or care. Jerry would have cared.
My pastor was at church this morning and while he looked as if he'd been ill, I know he probably looked good compared to what he has been in the last few weeks. It was wonderful to see him. Our associate pastor, Bro Alvey was also there. Bro Alvey is a wonderful elder of the church. Just one of those people who make you smile and laugh no matter what. He has had many health problems in the last year and so I've not seen him in months. It was truly good to see these too great men of God. I do love them both. My husband just loved them so much.
After church Mike and I had lunch at Grandy's and I took him home. Then, I came home, changed clothes and sat in my chaise in the back yard for the next couple of hours. It was pretty out. I tried to read and couldn't. I had my sun hat and my my mp3 player so I lay back in the lounger and listened to old radio shows I had downloaded. Abbot and Costello can make anyone smile, I think. I read a bit and just sat with my eyes closed listening. I could have dozed off but I became uncomfortable.
Why was I uncomfortable? I can't put my finger on it. It feels like someone is standing behind me. I want to turn around and look but when I do, no one is there. I know. I know. Weird. I can't help it. It isn't actually fear, just a sense of someone in the space around me. I have never, every had this feeling at home, particularly not when I was outside alone. I finally came in and played a game on the computer and messed with my hair a bit looking for quick fixes for a quickly graying mane. The last six months have taken a toll on several things I fear. I considered going to church but I just did not want to go through that struggle again. It is exhausting.
I am very sore tonight. I'm going to take a hot shower and see if it helps. I am hoping that tomorrow I'll be over the worst of this. It isn't as bad as it would have been had Mike not helped me. I'd have been down for a couple of days otherwise.
I don't know if I'll be back on tonight. I'm rather worn out even though I've done nothing. I am sure much of that is from all I did yesterday. I am glad that it is done. The yard looks much better. I should have taken photos of those rocks! I may still. I really want to just get rid of them. They are so much trouble.
I hope everyone has a great week ahead.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Why Sunday?
I'm dressed for church but it has been a battle. Why does Sunday have to be this nightmare of memories that simply send me reeling over the edge. I am so tired of it. I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over me.
I'm not really terribly sore, a bit, but not to the point I can't move around. The neck hurts most of all. But I simple get this huge wave of memories that just rush in and sweep over me like great waves, each one higher than the next and I can't take it.
It is so tiring and so disappointing not to be able to look forward to church, to feel as if I'm going to a funeral, for heaven's sake! I want to be able to believe I have a good reason for going and that when I get there I won't be miserable until I get out.
I am going to get Mike. He is going with me. It is a bit more distracting when someone goes with me but not much. Becca said she and Sarah would go this morning and I was looking forward to that but I can't get them to answer the phones. David didn't even go to bed until nearly 5 this morning according to his Facebook. And people think I have no life!
Well, I have to leave now. Maybe I'll come back on later if I can. I usually take a nap on Sunday but haven't done that much in months.
I'm not really terribly sore, a bit, but not to the point I can't move around. The neck hurts most of all. But I simple get this huge wave of memories that just rush in and sweep over me like great waves, each one higher than the next and I can't take it.
It is so tiring and so disappointing not to be able to look forward to church, to feel as if I'm going to a funeral, for heaven's sake! I want to be able to believe I have a good reason for going and that when I get there I won't be miserable until I get out.
I am going to get Mike. He is going with me. It is a bit more distracting when someone goes with me but not much. Becca said she and Sarah would go this morning and I was looking forward to that but I can't get them to answer the phones. David didn't even go to bed until nearly 5 this morning according to his Facebook. And people think I have no life!
Well, I have to leave now. Maybe I'll come back on later if I can. I usually take a nap on Sunday but haven't done that much in months.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Lovely Saturday
I've finally run out of steam. Mike and I got the whole yard cut and actually did a bit of cleaning up. I still have to find a weed trimmer. Everyone seems to be sold out of the electric ones and I refuse to pay $100 for one I can't use myself. They are just too heavy. I did buy an electric one today only to find when I got it home, some parts were missing. So, I had to take it back. It was the only one they had. I was truly annoyed because the grass around the fences is about three feet high and I have to get it cut!
We cleaned along the drive way, straightening up the rocks that line it. They are so heavy! And over time they actually sink into the ground! I made two large piles at each corner of the drive. I'm tired of moving the darn things every year. My plan is to get rid of them at some point. Some weigh as much at 30 lbs! I just can't deal with it. We've only kept them because some people can't seem to stay in the tracks of the drive. I don't have a paved drive, it is gravel. People were driving all over the place, backing up into the yard. We've kept the rock and it has worked but now, with just me, it is way too much to handle keeping them straight. (People still hit them and dislodge and dislocate them.) Anyway, if they hit these piles their car will be messed up I'm going to have to be careful myself.
I am hoping that I won't be sore in the morning with all the moving and mowing. Mike was a big help today. He really worked hard. I had not realized how heavy he has gotten. I am concerned because all he does is sit in his apartment and watch television or videos. He is riding the bike to go everywhere and that is good but he really needs to get out and move around more. They denied him again on his social security, even though the audiologist suggested he needs a hearing aid now. He is totally deaf in one ear and the "good" ear doesn't work well. Oh, don't go there. I can't let this upset me.
I booked my flight today! I know my aunt and uncle will be so relieved! I bought the insurance in case I have to cancel for some reason. I don't know of one but you never know in my life when something will happen. I really want a nice relaxing week somewhere.
Many of you have said that I seem better. The stomach is better and the headache gone. So that is good. The depression seems to now be under control to some degree. Work has kept me very busy and I've been trying again to get enough sleep by going to bed at a decent hour. Trouble is, I'm waking up anywhere from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.! I am NOT a morning person, folks. I don't have to be at work until 8 a.m. and I live no more than 15 minutes from work. There is nothing to do that early for a person who is not focused that early.
I have been getting phone calls from brother #1 this week and of course, my aunt. My sons call me.... usually wanting something but they call. Becca, daughter-in-law, calls daily, several times if she can. We always find something to talk about... Sarah {grin} is an unlimited topic. Dave, now back from his job training, did call to chat about his new Magic Jack phone. You can look that up on the internet. If it works as well as it seems to thus far, it will save them a small fortune on phone bills! Free phone service anywhere in the country! I will be getting one for Mike so he can get save on his too. I may also do that. Jerry's sister called tonight to talk a bit.
I should have called her before now but well, you all know how things have been. I just haven't called anyone much and those who've called me are as you see, a small group. That's ok. I've learned the hard way who I can depend on. I spent many years in foreign countries. I've been more alone here than anywhere I've ever lived. And I've decided I'm probably better off knowing who my actual friends are rather than thinking someone cares who doesn't really care at all. Frees me up for healthier relationships, I guess.
Well, it is late and I am going to bed soon. Got a moving going but it is on Hulu so I can stop it anytime and pick it up later. Have a good weekend... what is left of it anyway.
We cleaned along the drive way, straightening up the rocks that line it. They are so heavy! And over time they actually sink into the ground! I made two large piles at each corner of the drive. I'm tired of moving the darn things every year. My plan is to get rid of them at some point. Some weigh as much at 30 lbs! I just can't deal with it. We've only kept them because some people can't seem to stay in the tracks of the drive. I don't have a paved drive, it is gravel. People were driving all over the place, backing up into the yard. We've kept the rock and it has worked but now, with just me, it is way too much to handle keeping them straight. (People still hit them and dislodge and dislocate them.) Anyway, if they hit these piles their car will be messed up I'm going to have to be careful myself.
I am hoping that I won't be sore in the morning with all the moving and mowing. Mike was a big help today. He really worked hard. I had not realized how heavy he has gotten. I am concerned because all he does is sit in his apartment and watch television or videos. He is riding the bike to go everywhere and that is good but he really needs to get out and move around more. They denied him again on his social security, even though the audiologist suggested he needs a hearing aid now. He is totally deaf in one ear and the "good" ear doesn't work well. Oh, don't go there. I can't let this upset me.
I booked my flight today! I know my aunt and uncle will be so relieved! I bought the insurance in case I have to cancel for some reason. I don't know of one but you never know in my life when something will happen. I really want a nice relaxing week somewhere.
Many of you have said that I seem better. The stomach is better and the headache gone. So that is good. The depression seems to now be under control to some degree. Work has kept me very busy and I've been trying again to get enough sleep by going to bed at a decent hour. Trouble is, I'm waking up anywhere from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.! I am NOT a morning person, folks. I don't have to be at work until 8 a.m. and I live no more than 15 minutes from work. There is nothing to do that early for a person who is not focused that early.
I have been getting phone calls from brother #1 this week and of course, my aunt. My sons call me.... usually wanting something but they call. Becca, daughter-in-law, calls daily, several times if she can. We always find something to talk about... Sarah {grin} is an unlimited topic. Dave, now back from his job training, did call to chat about his new Magic Jack phone. You can look that up on the internet. If it works as well as it seems to thus far, it will save them a small fortune on phone bills! Free phone service anywhere in the country! I will be getting one for Mike so he can get save on his too. I may also do that. Jerry's sister called tonight to talk a bit.
I should have called her before now but well, you all know how things have been. I just haven't called anyone much and those who've called me are as you see, a small group. That's ok. I've learned the hard way who I can depend on. I spent many years in foreign countries. I've been more alone here than anywhere I've ever lived. And I've decided I'm probably better off knowing who my actual friends are rather than thinking someone cares who doesn't really care at all. Frees me up for healthier relationships, I guess.
Well, it is late and I am going to bed soon. Got a moving going but it is on Hulu so I can stop it anytime and pick it up later. Have a good weekend... what is left of it anyway.
Much Ado.... That's TO DO
Actually, I do have much to do but it is all outside and it is very cloudy! But the temp is 65 F. degrees! Amazing! It would be a nice day to clean the garage I supposed but I really need a bit of help with that.
Not going to happen in this life.
And I need to cut the grass but first I have to go get a weed trimmer. I can do it all myself and probably will I just don't know what shape I'll be in after I'm done. But I've decided to stop asking anyone to help me. Doesn't do any good anyway.
My house is CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN. I only have to do the dishes and keep things picked up. I still have boxes to go through in the den but have no inclination today to do that. I'm going to get dressed, go to lunch and then, see what I want to do.
You all know I am taking a trip in September. I am going to buy my plane ticket today sometime so my wonderful, sweet, adorable aunt (and uncle) WILL STOP ASKING ME IF I HAVE BOUGHT MY TICKET! I told her yesterday that I'm going to have the whole plane to myself so it doesn't matter when I buy it because no one is going where I am going! She laughed. Yes, it is a secret so don't even ask her! Even Mike doesn't know where I am going yet. He will know before I leave. Kind of nice to have a secret. All will be revealed in good time. Hmmmm, I may wait till return with photos.
I am seriously wanting to go to England in the coming year. I now know I have at least three contacts over there, well four if you count Katey, who has disappeared from blog land all together. One of my Cassandras is in Scotland! So, I am thinking a nice trip to the British Isles would be fun. Now to save the cash and vacation time...
Ok, I've got to get going. I'm hungry need to get dressed to go to the store.
Not going to happen in this life.
And I need to cut the grass but first I have to go get a weed trimmer. I can do it all myself and probably will I just don't know what shape I'll be in after I'm done. But I've decided to stop asking anyone to help me. Doesn't do any good anyway.
My house is CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN. I only have to do the dishes and keep things picked up. I still have boxes to go through in the den but have no inclination today to do that. I'm going to get dressed, go to lunch and then, see what I want to do.
You all know I am taking a trip in September. I am going to buy my plane ticket today sometime so my wonderful, sweet, adorable aunt (and uncle) WILL STOP ASKING ME IF I HAVE BOUGHT MY TICKET! I told her yesterday that I'm going to have the whole plane to myself so it doesn't matter when I buy it because no one is going where I am going! She laughed. Yes, it is a secret so don't even ask her! Even Mike doesn't know where I am going yet. He will know before I leave. Kind of nice to have a secret. All will be revealed in good time. Hmmmm, I may wait till return with photos.
I am seriously wanting to go to England in the coming year. I now know I have at least three contacts over there, well four if you count Katey, who has disappeared from blog land all together. One of my Cassandras is in Scotland! So, I am thinking a nice trip to the British Isles would be fun. Now to save the cash and vacation time...
Ok, I've got to get going. I'm hungry need to get dressed to go to the store.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Nite, Nite
I'm going to bed. My stomach is just not happy and ergo, me neither. I went to supper with Mike thinking food was the answer for the headache and tummy ache. I'd have very little to eat all day so seemed a logical idea. On my return, with no relief in sight, I lay on the sofa and watched television for about 2 hours hoping the turmoil would settle down. It hasn't. So, the only thing left is sleep.
I have to get up and get my license plate renewed... expired a month ago. God must have been watching out for me. I've not been stopped or ticketed. Now, if I can slip to the license bureau unnoticed....
Then, need to cut the grass and trim the weeds. Got to buy a weed trimmer for that. So much for saving money this month.
So, till tomorrow.
I have to get up and get my license plate renewed... expired a month ago. God must have been watching out for me. I've not been stopped or ticketed. Now, if I can slip to the license bureau unnoticed....
Then, need to cut the grass and trim the weeds. Got to buy a weed trimmer for that. So much for saving money this month.
So, till tomorrow.
I'm. . . uh. . . Better?
I don't think so.
The headache is hanging on and I feel really bad. I slept all afternoon when I got home. Got up at 5:30 p.m. and went back to bed about 11:30 p.m and slept all night. I woke at 5 a.m. this morning but stayed in bed and went back to sleep for another two hours. So, I think it is fair to say I am not sleepy. Well, I shouldn't be but maybe just a bit. I think I could sleep if I could lie down and I wish I could lie down.
My night was uneventful because I watched Hulu and played games until I was no more than a mindless lump. My head just hurt so much I couldn't think. I just feel yucky today. Neck is hurting, and that is probably because of the headache. I'm going to get something to drink and maybe some yogurt for lunch to see if that will help. I really would like to lie down again. Mike is coming and I'll let him drive so I don't have to deal with seeing.
I don't want to have to take an Imitrex. I haven't had one in months. Actually, I don't know if it would help. It isn't a migraine kind of headache. It is right in the front of my head and in my neck. That is more like an allergy or bug of some kind. So, I'm taking an allergy pill now and see if that works.
I'll try to pop back in when I'm really better.
The headache is hanging on and I feel really bad. I slept all afternoon when I got home. Got up at 5:30 p.m. and went back to bed about 11:30 p.m and slept all night. I woke at 5 a.m. this morning but stayed in bed and went back to sleep for another two hours. So, I think it is fair to say I am not sleepy. Well, I shouldn't be but maybe just a bit. I think I could sleep if I could lie down and I wish I could lie down.
My night was uneventful because I watched Hulu and played games until I was no more than a mindless lump. My head just hurt so much I couldn't think. I just feel yucky today. Neck is hurting, and that is probably because of the headache. I'm going to get something to drink and maybe some yogurt for lunch to see if that will help. I really would like to lie down again. Mike is coming and I'll let him drive so I don't have to deal with seeing.
I don't want to have to take an Imitrex. I haven't had one in months. Actually, I don't know if it would help. It isn't a migraine kind of headache. It is right in the front of my head and in my neck. That is more like an allergy or bug of some kind. So, I'm taking an allergy pill now and see if that works.
I'll try to pop back in when I'm really better.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Achy, Breaky...Something Icky
I came home from work early today. Left at 2 p.m. I've felt bad all day. Achy shoulder, headache, calves hurt, feet hurt. Now a crampy stomach and diarrhea. Actually, I realized this afternoon that I've had a grumbly stomach for a couple of days. I kept thinking I was hungry but eating didn't help and I kept telling myself I wasn't hungry!
So, I've just had some green tea and thought I'd drop a post in here.
I got a subpoena at work today. One of the clients is taking his landlord to court. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully it is the week after I come back from vacation! I was really concerned because I'm going on a trip between the 12th and 19th. When they told me I had a subpoena in my box I thought, "Oh no!" I was relieved to see it said September 23rd.
I'm going to stop here. Got to make a little trip and I think I want to lie down. I shouldn't be tired but I am.
So, I've just had some green tea and thought I'd drop a post in here.
I got a subpoena at work today. One of the clients is taking his landlord to court. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully it is the week after I come back from vacation! I was really concerned because I'm going on a trip between the 12th and 19th. When they told me I had a subpoena in my box I thought, "Oh no!" I was relieved to see it said September 23rd.
I'm going to stop here. Got to make a little trip and I think I want to lie down. I shouldn't be tired but I am.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Taking Tests
I was browsing Cassandra's blog and links and found an interesting quiz. Sometimes these things are uncanny but other's I can't really see.
Oh, this next one is very interesting and too close to the mark!
| Your Soul is Searching |
 You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. |
| You Are Fantasy / Sci Fi |
 You are open minded, and you find the future exciting. You crave novelty and progress. Compared to most people, you are quirky and even a bit eccentric. You have some wacky ideas. And while you may be a bit off the wall, there's no denying how insightful and creative you are. |
Oh, this next one is very interesting and too close to the mark!
| You Are Original and Innovative |
 You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. |
Do You Know What Time It Is?
Can anyone tell me what time it is getting to be? If you guessed NaNoWriMo, you would be a winner!Yes, my dear friends, you will all be subject once again to my angst and excitement over National November Novel Writing Month. As you devoted readers will remember it is 50,000 words in 30 days beginning 12:01 a.m. November 1 and ending at midnight on November 30.
Despite my lack of focus and my inability to think logically I am going to attempt to invent a story of at least 50,000 words. This year will be my fourth year participating and I hope it will be a third win. I'm give it my best. The fun of the forums awaits as well.
They issued the badges early this year. Perhaps to generate more interest. I would have to say if you are even a little bit of a writer you should try this. It is a lot of fun and you meet some great people. And the writing practice is truly wonderful. Working under such a tight deadline forces you to actually write! LOL, fast!
My friend, Cassandra C. is a friend from NaNo. Please drop by her blog and encourage her and keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I just found that she has been going through some very difficult things this past year. For one thing, they have found a tumor on her optic nerve. I knew about some of the difficulties she'd had but not that particular one. I do not know if she will try NaNo but I wouldn't be surprised. She seems to be one of those who will keep trying. My hat is off to her.
I've been both busy and very tired these last few days and have just not wanted to post anything. I'm going to be buying my ticket for my get-away in September. More on that later.
I'm also going to make myself order that laptop I've had my eye on. I keep putting it off but I think that will be my birthday present to myself this year. October is a little way off but an early present is not a bad thing.
I had a cleaning lady in yesterday. My daughter-in-law's mother absolutely loves to clean. And folks, she is a whiz! If cleaning has a mother, Sue is it! At the moment she is laid off for a few days and I requested her services. After I got home, when I opened my storm door so I could unlock the front door, I could smell my house. When I opened the door it felt like a weight had been lifted. Everything was dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, and put away. I was thrilled. Mind you, it wasn't very dirty to start with but I just knew it needed a thorough job of it.
And now I'm going to find a show to watch and then to bed. I've been so tired and I'm taking my medicines a bit earlier so I get sleepy earlier. May have to adjust that if I'm to get anything done.
Monday, August 17, 2009
OAK PARK CHURCH - Atlanta, GA
Link - Oak Park Church Podcast
My cousin sent me the above link to his (and my aunt's) church website so I could listen to their podcasts of services. I've visited their church several times and always enjoy it.
I didn't go to church on Sunday night but I did listen to their Sunday service.The worship service and preaching is on the podcast and you can drag the button ahead to get to the preaching sooner if you aren't into worship music.I am so I listened to the whole thing.
Tonight, I listened to last Wednesday night's Bible study. I agree with my aunt that her pastor is good. Grammy, this might be right up your alley as you obviously love the Word. This Wednesday night service was very good.
I've found podcasts to be rather interesting. You can get all kinds of stuff on podcast and many websites now have them. For people who may not be able to get out for health or mobility reasons, this is really be a great idea.
I'm not blogging much tonight. I'm considering going to bed early. My Monday was about a boring as it gets and that is never good. Means all the really crazy people will show up on Friday with catastrophic problems.
Maybe I'll watch something on Hulu....
My cousin sent me the above link to his (and my aunt's) church website so I could listen to their podcasts of services. I've visited their church several times and always enjoy it.
I didn't go to church on Sunday night but I did listen to their Sunday service.The worship service and preaching is on the podcast and you can drag the button ahead to get to the preaching sooner if you aren't into worship music.I am so I listened to the whole thing.
Tonight, I listened to last Wednesday night's Bible study. I agree with my aunt that her pastor is good. Grammy, this might be right up your alley as you obviously love the Word. This Wednesday night service was very good.
I've found podcasts to be rather interesting. You can get all kinds of stuff on podcast and many websites now have them. For people who may not be able to get out for health or mobility reasons, this is really be a great idea.
I'm not blogging much tonight. I'm considering going to bed early. My Monday was about a boring as it gets and that is never good. Means all the really crazy people will show up on Friday with catastrophic problems.
Maybe I'll watch something on Hulu....
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Sound of Memories
I watched a commercial today that I posted on my site and the music soundtrack they used is a song that Jerry and I really loved. When we were newly married the Bellamy brothers were a big hit. We liked them. The song you hear now is one of our favorites. I had to listen to it several times and then it just blew me away.
I remembered that when our favorite oldies songs would be playing around here I'd often get up and dance around the room while he would just laugh, smile and shake his head. Sometimes I could coax him onto his feet to dance with me but he was all long arms and long legs and had never really learned to dance.Well, neither did I. I just expressed my happiness that way.He was a good Baptist boy when I married him and I was a good Pentecostal girl and one thing we had in common was we didn't dance! LOL!
But I did dance, sometimes, when I was happy I danced and even sang loudly. And he had danced with a few girls in his dating days. But neither of us was a Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers. But at home, when we were having a goofy day, I might jump up and start dancing and I'd drag him on his feet so we could dance together and then we would collapse into a chair laughing at how silly we looked. To bad dancers having a good time.
And then, after the song ended, I found that memory is often an enemy with knives. All I want is to dance with Jerry to the Bellamy brothers singing Let Your Love Flow. All I can do is close my eyes and watch.
I remembered that when our favorite oldies songs would be playing around here I'd often get up and dance around the room while he would just laugh, smile and shake his head. Sometimes I could coax him onto his feet to dance with me but he was all long arms and long legs and had never really learned to dance.Well, neither did I. I just expressed my happiness that way.He was a good Baptist boy when I married him and I was a good Pentecostal girl and one thing we had in common was we didn't dance! LOL!
But I did dance, sometimes, when I was happy I danced and even sang loudly. And he had danced with a few girls in his dating days. But neither of us was a Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers. But at home, when we were having a goofy day, I might jump up and start dancing and I'd drag him on his feet so we could dance together and then we would collapse into a chair laughing at how silly we looked. To bad dancers having a good time.
And then, after the song ended, I found that memory is often an enemy with knives. All I want is to dance with Jerry to the Bellamy brothers singing Let Your Love Flow. All I can do is close my eyes and watch.
Sunday, Sunday
I'm on my way out to church but stopped because the coffee is still hot. As you all know, Sunday is the worst day of the week for me. Sunday was the day we would go to church together, have lunch and then, he'd have to go to work. But we'd have those few hours to see one another. So, by late afternoon,I've had enough.
I've been thinking that I need to change the routine and go on Saturday nights. My church has services Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night. I could go on Saturday nights but I seem to be so tired after doing stuff around here all day that I can't ever get there.
I do have an energy level problem and I don't know how I'm going to fix that unless the fibromyalgia gets fixed. I'm tired most of the time and after work of any kind I seem to just run down. Or maybe it is just here, at home I have the problem. I'll have to evaluate that idea and see if it is true.
The day looks beautiful outside but it is already 79 degrees Fahrenheit at 9:04 a.m. That is warm.
So, it is out the door now!
I've been thinking that I need to change the routine and go on Saturday nights. My church has services Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night. I could go on Saturday nights but I seem to be so tired after doing stuff around here all day that I can't ever get there.
I do have an energy level problem and I don't know how I'm going to fix that unless the fibromyalgia gets fixed. I'm tired most of the time and after work of any kind I seem to just run down. Or maybe it is just here, at home I have the problem. I'll have to evaluate that idea and see if it is true.
The day looks beautiful outside but it is already 79 degrees Fahrenheit at 9:04 a.m. That is warm.
So, it is out the door now!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Access Hulu.com From Anywhere
Link
Every once in a while I mention watching television shows and movies for free on Hulu.com. If you are not in the US, you probably can't watch these programs. However, I ran across a work around on a tech site that I used now and then. It is a good site to learn a lot of things but here is a video where he shows you a way to watch HULU outside of the US.
Now, you computer geeks will know that there are other applications to this hack but I'm only telling talking about the ability to watch videos on HULU.
Every once in a while I mention watching television shows and movies for free on Hulu.com. If you are not in the US, you probably can't watch these programs. However, I ran across a work around on a tech site that I used now and then. It is a good site to learn a lot of things but here is a video where he shows you a way to watch HULU outside of the US.
Now, you computer geeks will know that there are other applications to this hack but I'm only telling talking about the ability to watch videos on HULU.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Follow-up
It is late and I won't be long at this. I am glad tomorrow is Friday! I've been tired all week, it seems. At least, I'm sleeping but it seem that isn't enough.
I talked with Roselynn tonight and she was very excited about her job and school starting. I'm glad she is doing this. There is a family situation brewing that has serious potential of chaos but it is a situation we have no real control over and so have decided to let the powers that be deal with it. Not our problem... yet. LOL! If she wants to relate what is going on she can but let's say that our family is not without truck loads of drama.
I truly would like to be able to get up and get loads of things done on Saturday. We will see. My energy just doesn't hold out too well. By Saturday I am so worn out that all I want to do is read with my feet up.
I am headed for bed now. I hope everyone will have a great weekend. I would like it to be a nice one here.
I talked with Roselynn tonight and she was very excited about her job and school starting. I'm glad she is doing this. There is a family situation brewing that has serious potential of chaos but it is a situation we have no real control over and so have decided to let the powers that be deal with it. Not our problem... yet. LOL! If she wants to relate what is going on she can but let's say that our family is not without truck loads of drama.
I truly would like to be able to get up and get loads of things done on Saturday. We will see. My energy just doesn't hold out too well. By Saturday I am so worn out that all I want to do is read with my feet up.
I am headed for bed now. I hope everyone will have a great weekend. I would like it to be a nice one here.
New Priest's Ideas
It was my first laugh of the day and I think it should be shared.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,
"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with
plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The
front of the church always fills first now." The young
priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told
me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are
consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am
pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the
elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions
and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.
But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,'
cannot stay on the church roof."
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,
"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with
plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The
front of the church always fills first now." The young
priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told
me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are
consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am
pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the
elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions
and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.
But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,'
cannot stay on the church roof."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Purpose
I think we have this image of the death of a spouse and subsequent widowhood as some romantically gentle thing where the widow wears lacy black dresses and carries these dainty hankies and has all these caring people holding her hand and surrounding her with love and attention. She is buoyed up by friends and family. Her every move is monitored to be sure she is holding up. Someone is knocking on the door, calling on the phone, sending letters and cards.
That reality couldn't be further from the truth. None of that happens. She sits alone in the house she shared with her husband. She does laundry for one, prepares meals for one, sleeps alone, listens to silence, and stares at photographs of their life. She finds some trivial pursuit to occupy her mind so she won't think about it anymore. The door is locked and no one knocks. The phone only rings when those who actually love her call. There are no cards and letters. No one holds her hands, no one caters to her at all. She becomes a pariah, an outcast.
Places they went together, she can't go alone. It hurts to go there and the people they knew avoid her anyway. Places she'd like to go that would be less painful or provide some interest she can't go alone.
Jilly said something after my last post that set me thinking about why I am sharing all this. "I know when I read your words and listen to what you are saying that there are messages there for me. I have tried to change certain things because of stuff that you have said."
I knew in my head why I am so vocal in this blog about what I am experiencing. I have hesitated at times to be so vocal but as I pointed out in the last post I feel better when I get it all out. Jilly saw the other reason. The other reason I elected to keep this open is because someday, some of you will be where I am. You will wear my shoes and eat at my table. You need to know now what is important. You can't afford to wait until you have the plate set before you to discover that the meal is unpalatable.
If only one good thing comes from what I am living I hope it is that someone will be changed in ways I was not before this happened. So much of what we do is done without realizing any long term effects. Remember the Butterfly Effect. It is the theory that the fluttering of a butterfly's wings in China can spawn, weeks later, a hurricane in the Atlantic. What you do and say has far reaching consequences. You will not see the results today, maybe not tomorrow, or even for several years. But at some point, your actions or lack of action will be seen and felt. And the results may be devastating.
You know, it is the things we didn't say to one another that drive me crazy. The things we should have talked about, things that needed to be resolved, and the things I should have done are the weights I carry now. I have to learn to live with the would haves, should haves, and the could haves. They are as sharp as swords that slash out at unexpected moments or as I turn a corner. They are a thousand paper cuts to the soul. I can't escape. I have to learn to live with these. Perhaps that is what it is like for anyone in this place. I don't know. I never bothered to find out.
So, I'm telling you.
Stop talking at one another and really look at each other. Listen to what is not being said as well as what is heard. Ask questions you are uncomfortable asking. Be kind in the face of frustration, anger, and despair. Be loving, even when the person is unloving. Be considerate even when you feel taken advantage of. Even when you own pain is overwhelming, try and see what is happening to the people around you. Say what is in your heart, not what is on your mind. For God's sake, put your hands out, extend your arms and prop someone up so they can stand just a bit longer.
If you can't see a purpose to any of it, then make a purpose. Tomorrow one of you may not wake up.
That reality couldn't be further from the truth. None of that happens. She sits alone in the house she shared with her husband. She does laundry for one, prepares meals for one, sleeps alone, listens to silence, and stares at photographs of their life. She finds some trivial pursuit to occupy her mind so she won't think about it anymore. The door is locked and no one knocks. The phone only rings when those who actually love her call. There are no cards and letters. No one holds her hands, no one caters to her at all. She becomes a pariah, an outcast.
Places they went together, she can't go alone. It hurts to go there and the people they knew avoid her anyway. Places she'd like to go that would be less painful or provide some interest she can't go alone.
Jilly said something after my last post that set me thinking about why I am sharing all this. "I know when I read your words and listen to what you are saying that there are messages there for me. I have tried to change certain things because of stuff that you have said."
I knew in my head why I am so vocal in this blog about what I am experiencing. I have hesitated at times to be so vocal but as I pointed out in the last post I feel better when I get it all out. Jilly saw the other reason. The other reason I elected to keep this open is because someday, some of you will be where I am. You will wear my shoes and eat at my table. You need to know now what is important. You can't afford to wait until you have the plate set before you to discover that the meal is unpalatable.
If only one good thing comes from what I am living I hope it is that someone will be changed in ways I was not before this happened. So much of what we do is done without realizing any long term effects. Remember the Butterfly Effect. It is the theory that the fluttering of a butterfly's wings in China can spawn, weeks later, a hurricane in the Atlantic. What you do and say has far reaching consequences. You will not see the results today, maybe not tomorrow, or even for several years. But at some point, your actions or lack of action will be seen and felt. And the results may be devastating.
You know, it is the things we didn't say to one another that drive me crazy. The things we should have talked about, things that needed to be resolved, and the things I should have done are the weights I carry now. I have to learn to live with the would haves, should haves, and the could haves. They are as sharp as swords that slash out at unexpected moments or as I turn a corner. They are a thousand paper cuts to the soul. I can't escape. I have to learn to live with these. Perhaps that is what it is like for anyone in this place. I don't know. I never bothered to find out.
So, I'm telling you.
Stop talking at one another and really look at each other. Listen to what is not being said as well as what is heard. Ask questions you are uncomfortable asking. Be kind in the face of frustration, anger, and despair. Be loving, even when the person is unloving. Be considerate even when you feel taken advantage of. Even when you own pain is overwhelming, try and see what is happening to the people around you. Say what is in your heart, not what is on your mind. For God's sake, put your hands out, extend your arms and prop someone up so they can stand just a bit longer.
If you can't see a purpose to any of it, then make a purpose. Tomorrow one of you may not wake up.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Truth in Action
Someone sent me this a week or so ago and it is worth sharing.
While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.
After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....
"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... the only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ....
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
"Senior version of Jesus Loves Me"
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of Jesus Loves Me...
A footnote to this story is one of my own: Riley Robinson was well known to my grandparents in his youth to party but he eventually came to God and married a girl late in his life. When I was a 14, he was a tiny, shriveled old man nearing his ninties, his voice failing. Every testimony service he stood and no matter what else he said during that testimony, he repeated this phrase every single time in as loud a voice as he could muster. As long as I live I will see that shakey arm raised, hand twisted by arthritis and hear his quavering voice shout: "Thank God for Jesus!". He never wavered. I will never forget him.
While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.
After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....
"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... the only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ....
"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong......
Yes, Jesus loves me.....
The Bible tells me so."
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong......
Yes, Jesus loves me.....
The Bible tells me so."
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
"Senior version of Jesus Loves Me"
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of Jesus Loves Me...
JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say ,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say ,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)
A footnote to this story is one of my own: Riley Robinson was well known to my grandparents in his youth to party but he eventually came to God and married a girl late in his life. When I was a 14, he was a tiny, shriveled old man nearing his ninties, his voice failing. Every testimony service he stood and no matter what else he said during that testimony, he repeated this phrase every single time in as loud a voice as he could muster. As long as I live I will see that shakey arm raised, hand twisted by arthritis and hear his quavering voice shout: "Thank God for Jesus!". He never wavered. I will never forget him.
A Summer Storm
I woke up tired. Isn't that crazy? I went to bed about midnight I think after hours of watching HULU t.v. shows. I went to sleep very quickly and slept all night But I'm tired. The sunny Monday has ended in a stormy night.
I'm sorry if my post yesterday upset anyone or caused you to worry. They told me to write what I was feeling and what was happening to me during this process. Sometimes, it is all I can do or I'd be in a corner pulling my hair out.
One of my friends came on and chatted with me last night and apologized for not "being a good friend". I was shocked because I talk to her at least two or three times a week online! Alice's sister died a couple of years ago and she understands a lot of what I'm dealing with and she has been very good to keep in touch. But she does live 4 hours away.
We don't actually "know" each other on sight but I believe we've become friends in the more than three years we've been conversing and she's been reading my novel. Still, I don't expect her to be able to run over to pat me on the head. It is enough that she talks to me and she makes me laugh. It helps that she actually cares and says so.
It is the same with all of you who have stopped by here to leave notes, send emails, PM's and the like. You may not feel you are helping but really, even though I know what I write is often excruciating to read, you still show up and you still leave a note just saying you're here and holding my cyber hands. There are times when that is all I have had.
Realistically, I know there is no one who can walk me through this. I know there is nothing anyone can say but sometimes listening is all that is required. Sometimes we just need to be able to lean against something until we get our feet back under us. In this place, where I live, you learn that talking is not always possible but something to cling to may be the thing that saves you. A lifeline in a storm requires no words.
I met with Dan, the counselor today. First time in a month. He asked again how I was and I was at a loss. I don't know. I'm fine. I'm o.k. Finally, foundering, I pulled out the copy of yesterday's post, saying, "I knew you would ask me so I brought this." I read it to him. Honestly, even I was scorched by the words and they were where I was yesterday. I'm still there today but the intensity of it is gone. I feel better because I lanced the wound.
What did he say? "Wow." He agreed I probably felt better because I got it out of me.
He asked me why I made my journal public. Did I want people to see it?
I told him I had considered keeping it private but had decided that people should, no needed to know what this is like. They need to know it is not a joke. It is not an exaggeration. It is not a bid for attention. It is not melodrama. It is raw, gut-wrenching pain that hits you over and over and over and when you think it is finished, it blindsides you all over again. And you sit in your house alone and there is no one to call, no one to sit with you, no one to hold your hand. You scream at walls and ceiling and pull your hair and beat your pillow with your fists. You demand an explanation from the silence that has built around you like stone walls. You tear at the stones to get at the truth only to find that there is only that darkness on the other side. Dark, dark, deafening silence.
People should know that the next grief stricken person you meet is very likely living this. They may smile or laugh at your joke but when they walk away, they are stabbed with a memory that sends them reeling. You need to know that their pain is real and you may be the only person between them and the darkness that threatens to swallow them up.
I told him I was tired of not saying what I felt, of sparing other people's feelings when mine were raw meat. I told him I had learned a lot about compassion and about people since Jerry died, particularly people who have "ministries". What I've learned is disappointing to me and is not pretty for them.
I am tired of people who are uncomfortable with my grief. We are supposed to feel and we are supposed to feel for other people. We all, I include myself, spend enormous amounts of time trying to avoid knowing about other people's pain. We don't want to talk about it, acknowledge they are hurt. We make the excuse that "Oh, I don't want to upset them!"
Bovine excrement! That's the nicest way to put it even though the impact would be greater with the courser phrase.
We don't want to be burdened with caring or put to the trouble of holding someone's hand while they fall apart. Think about it. If I say I care and they reach out to me, the burden is then on me to respond with an action. I might have to do something! Or even worse... I'll have to actually feel something human! If I avoid them and say nothing, maybe they'll know I care and just let me live my life with nothing required of me. Let's not make me uncomfortable! I'll just pray for them! That'll do the trick!
Yes, that's pretty much the gist of what I told him. He listens well. Then it started to storm and I smiled and told him I loved storms. He asked me why. I said they make me feel good.
He told me that wasn't an answer. What about storms did I like? What did they make me feel? I told him I liked the thunder and lightening. No, what was it about a storm that made me feel good... why did it make me feel good. I said I didn't know. I liked them. They were awesome. I liked the earthshaking, blinding lightening, pouring rain storms. The kind that shake everything. He smiled then.
I told him about a trip we took years ago in a terrific storm. There is a post called Out Running the Storm that relates that night. He insisted that I need to figure out what it was about a storm that I liked. What was it about the storms that made me feel good. I couldn't tell him.
He told me I spend a lot of time in my head. Yes, I laughed too. It means I don't talk about what I'm feeling. That's true. But I write it very well. Even Alice told me that... for free! Why? I have an ability to write what I feel because there is no barrier there. I let the barriers down in my writing. I need, apparently, to find a way to talk about what I feel and why. He asked again, "So, what is it about thunderstorms that make you feel good? Why? Is it spiritual or emotional or what?"
I looked at him, laughed and finally said, "I don't know. No one has ever asked me that specific question. When I say I love storms everyone always just looks at me and tells me I'm crazy." I told him I would sit in an open field in a thunderstorm if it wasn't dangerous but that I wasn't stupid. I told him I wanted to stop in that storm long ago and watch the lightening strikes all around us. Jerry said I was crazy and we didn't stop. I wish we had. He would have if I'd insisted. He'd do anything I wanted to do.
So, as I left Dan's office the question nagged at me all the way home. I can't answer the question. Somehow I figure it probably is important. I suspect it will reveal great truths about me. Or maybe I just love storms.....
The thunder has moved off now. I suppose the storm has gone with it. That's too bad. I should have gone out and stood under the awning and watched it.
I'm sorry if my post yesterday upset anyone or caused you to worry. They told me to write what I was feeling and what was happening to me during this process. Sometimes, it is all I can do or I'd be in a corner pulling my hair out.
One of my friends came on and chatted with me last night and apologized for not "being a good friend". I was shocked because I talk to her at least two or three times a week online! Alice's sister died a couple of years ago and she understands a lot of what I'm dealing with and she has been very good to keep in touch. But she does live 4 hours away.
We don't actually "know" each other on sight but I believe we've become friends in the more than three years we've been conversing and she's been reading my novel. Still, I don't expect her to be able to run over to pat me on the head. It is enough that she talks to me and she makes me laugh. It helps that she actually cares and says so.
It is the same with all of you who have stopped by here to leave notes, send emails, PM's and the like. You may not feel you are helping but really, even though I know what I write is often excruciating to read, you still show up and you still leave a note just saying you're here and holding my cyber hands. There are times when that is all I have had.
Realistically, I know there is no one who can walk me through this. I know there is nothing anyone can say but sometimes listening is all that is required. Sometimes we just need to be able to lean against something until we get our feet back under us. In this place, where I live, you learn that talking is not always possible but something to cling to may be the thing that saves you. A lifeline in a storm requires no words.
I met with Dan, the counselor today. First time in a month. He asked again how I was and I was at a loss. I don't know. I'm fine. I'm o.k. Finally, foundering, I pulled out the copy of yesterday's post, saying, "I knew you would ask me so I brought this." I read it to him. Honestly, even I was scorched by the words and they were where I was yesterday. I'm still there today but the intensity of it is gone. I feel better because I lanced the wound.
What did he say? "Wow." He agreed I probably felt better because I got it out of me.
He asked me why I made my journal public. Did I want people to see it?
I told him I had considered keeping it private but had decided that people should, no needed to know what this is like. They need to know it is not a joke. It is not an exaggeration. It is not a bid for attention. It is not melodrama. It is raw, gut-wrenching pain that hits you over and over and over and when you think it is finished, it blindsides you all over again. And you sit in your house alone and there is no one to call, no one to sit with you, no one to hold your hand. You scream at walls and ceiling and pull your hair and beat your pillow with your fists. You demand an explanation from the silence that has built around you like stone walls. You tear at the stones to get at the truth only to find that there is only that darkness on the other side. Dark, dark, deafening silence.
People should know that the next grief stricken person you meet is very likely living this. They may smile or laugh at your joke but when they walk away, they are stabbed with a memory that sends them reeling. You need to know that their pain is real and you may be the only person between them and the darkness that threatens to swallow them up.
I told him I was tired of not saying what I felt, of sparing other people's feelings when mine were raw meat. I told him I had learned a lot about compassion and about people since Jerry died, particularly people who have "ministries". What I've learned is disappointing to me and is not pretty for them.
I am tired of people who are uncomfortable with my grief. We are supposed to feel and we are supposed to feel for other people. We all, I include myself, spend enormous amounts of time trying to avoid knowing about other people's pain. We don't want to talk about it, acknowledge they are hurt. We make the excuse that "Oh, I don't want to upset them!"
Bovine excrement! That's the nicest way to put it even though the impact would be greater with the courser phrase.
We don't want to be burdened with caring or put to the trouble of holding someone's hand while they fall apart. Think about it. If I say I care and they reach out to me, the burden is then on me to respond with an action. I might have to do something! Or even worse... I'll have to actually feel something human! If I avoid them and say nothing, maybe they'll know I care and just let me live my life with nothing required of me. Let's not make me uncomfortable! I'll just pray for them! That'll do the trick!
Yes, that's pretty much the gist of what I told him. He listens well. Then it started to storm and I smiled and told him I loved storms. He asked me why. I said they make me feel good.
He told me that wasn't an answer. What about storms did I like? What did they make me feel? I told him I liked the thunder and lightening. No, what was it about a storm that made me feel good... why did it make me feel good. I said I didn't know. I liked them. They were awesome. I liked the earthshaking, blinding lightening, pouring rain storms. The kind that shake everything. He smiled then.
I told him about a trip we took years ago in a terrific storm. There is a post called Out Running the Storm that relates that night. He insisted that I need to figure out what it was about a storm that I liked. What was it about the storms that made me feel good. I couldn't tell him.
He told me I spend a lot of time in my head. Yes, I laughed too. It means I don't talk about what I'm feeling. That's true. But I write it very well. Even Alice told me that... for free! Why? I have an ability to write what I feel because there is no barrier there. I let the barriers down in my writing. I need, apparently, to find a way to talk about what I feel and why. He asked again, "So, what is it about thunderstorms that make you feel good? Why? Is it spiritual or emotional or what?"
I looked at him, laughed and finally said, "I don't know. No one has ever asked me that specific question. When I say I love storms everyone always just looks at me and tells me I'm crazy." I told him I would sit in an open field in a thunderstorm if it wasn't dangerous but that I wasn't stupid. I told him I wanted to stop in that storm long ago and watch the lightening strikes all around us. Jerry said I was crazy and we didn't stop. I wish we had. He would have if I'd insisted. He'd do anything I wanted to do.
So, as I left Dan's office the question nagged at me all the way home. I can't answer the question. Somehow I figure it probably is important. I suspect it will reveal great truths about me. Or maybe I just love storms.....
The thunder has moved off now. I suppose the storm has gone with it. That's too bad. I should have gone out and stood under the awning and watched it.
I Can't Happen to who?
I won't post my opinion on this since I've already posted about this vaccine several times. This speaks for itself.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Just Another Day
I went to church this morning. It was freezing cold and I left after an hour with my shoulders and hands hurting. I had Mike wait to start the car so I could let the 90+ degrees seep into my bones. It took at least 15 minutes for the skin on my upper arms to actually feel warm to the touch. I didn't remember to take a shawl. I usually always take a sweater or shawl.
I came home and had lunch with my children... not all together. Mike first and then I took him home. When I got back Dave, Becca and Sarah were here and eating their lunch. Mike lives about 15 minutes away. I had a problem and had to go to bed. I took a bit of a nap and then Sarah and I played Starfall. We had not done it together in a long time. She plays with her mother and now can recognize all her letters and is learning to read the words.
They left and I've been trying to get through the rest of the day. It's hell.
On the way to take Mike home I saw a young man, probably late teens, get off a church bus and walk across the road carrying his Bible. I do not know why in that moment I saw Jerry but I did. I didn't get a good look at the boy. He was walking with a young woman and they were talking, he facing away. There was no resemblance to Jerry, except maybe the thick dark hair and the gait. But there was a rush of intense memories that began to roll through my mind and I was almost not able to drive. I got Mike home but when I got home I just had to go to bed. I've not been able to stop them. I tried watching a movie but an expression on the man's face in the movie sent me back over the percipice. I lay curled in a fetal position for about 20 minutes screaming in a pillow. God, how insane.
I was told by someone before Jerry died that I was a fighter. I don't know what he was seeing when he said it. But I'm tired of it. I've lost every battle. I've carried wounded off the field and doctored their wounds and got them back on their feet. I've urged others on and watched their victories. I've staggered along dragging myself because there was no one to carry me. But I'm tired. I'm bleeding to death and I stand in a barren wasteland in tatters, alone. No one carries me. No one binds my wounds. No one shoulders my burdens. I surrender. I don't want to fight anymore.
Don't tell me to pray or call someone or find some interest. I've done all that. I thought a while ago that perhaps I should pick up the phone and call some of the people I know and say, "Hi, I was just calling to check on you and see if you were wondering how I was?"
Someone called a while back and wanted me to try and comfort someone else who had lost their spouse. I wanted to laugh. I don't have any comfort to give. What do I say to her? "Honey don't expect anyone to give a tin whistle about you." "Don't expect to hear from your so called friends." "I hope you have family!" I told this person to make sure they call and call and call. They won't. . . unless they want something in return.
So, here I kneel on a stony field amidst the remains of 52 years of battles.... all lost. No victories here. No glory. No banners or parades. No cheers from the sidelines. Just broken bones and defeat. And today I lay down my weapons.
I remember weeping over my blog-friend, Jenn's blog where she described her loss of faith after the suicide of her 17 year-old daughter. I remember praying for her, hoping she could find herself again, find her faith and her desire to live. How very arrogant of me.
I realized today when you look death in the face, you don't see anything but darkness. There is no light in it. And you can't look away. It is so terrible that you are fixated by it. You see nothing but an empty blackness. Even your faith gets swallowed up in that blackness. Everything is sucked in and disappears.
In the worst times of my life I think I've held onto my faith. I've always believed God was listening and he cared. I've always loved him. I do not remember ever not. I want to believe I still do.
Today, I've asked all the questions I know to ask. I've prayed all the prayers I know to pray. I've said all the things I know to say. And the darkness echos.
I came home and had lunch with my children... not all together. Mike first and then I took him home. When I got back Dave, Becca and Sarah were here and eating their lunch. Mike lives about 15 minutes away. I had a problem and had to go to bed. I took a bit of a nap and then Sarah and I played Starfall. We had not done it together in a long time. She plays with her mother and now can recognize all her letters and is learning to read the words.
They left and I've been trying to get through the rest of the day. It's hell.
On the way to take Mike home I saw a young man, probably late teens, get off a church bus and walk across the road carrying his Bible. I do not know why in that moment I saw Jerry but I did. I didn't get a good look at the boy. He was walking with a young woman and they were talking, he facing away. There was no resemblance to Jerry, except maybe the thick dark hair and the gait. But there was a rush of intense memories that began to roll through my mind and I was almost not able to drive. I got Mike home but when I got home I just had to go to bed. I've not been able to stop them. I tried watching a movie but an expression on the man's face in the movie sent me back over the percipice. I lay curled in a fetal position for about 20 minutes screaming in a pillow. God, how insane.
I was told by someone before Jerry died that I was a fighter. I don't know what he was seeing when he said it. But I'm tired of it. I've lost every battle. I've carried wounded off the field and doctored their wounds and got them back on their feet. I've urged others on and watched their victories. I've staggered along dragging myself because there was no one to carry me. But I'm tired. I'm bleeding to death and I stand in a barren wasteland in tatters, alone. No one carries me. No one binds my wounds. No one shoulders my burdens. I surrender. I don't want to fight anymore.
Don't tell me to pray or call someone or find some interest. I've done all that. I thought a while ago that perhaps I should pick up the phone and call some of the people I know and say, "Hi, I was just calling to check on you and see if you were wondering how I was?"
Someone called a while back and wanted me to try and comfort someone else who had lost their spouse. I wanted to laugh. I don't have any comfort to give. What do I say to her? "Honey don't expect anyone to give a tin whistle about you." "Don't expect to hear from your so called friends." "I hope you have family!" I told this person to make sure they call and call and call. They won't. . . unless they want something in return.
So, here I kneel on a stony field amidst the remains of 52 years of battles.... all lost. No victories here. No glory. No banners or parades. No cheers from the sidelines. Just broken bones and defeat. And today I lay down my weapons.
I remember weeping over my blog-friend, Jenn's blog where she described her loss of faith after the suicide of her 17 year-old daughter. I remember praying for her, hoping she could find herself again, find her faith and her desire to live. How very arrogant of me.
I realized today when you look death in the face, you don't see anything but darkness. There is no light in it. And you can't look away. It is so terrible that you are fixated by it. You see nothing but an empty blackness. Even your faith gets swallowed up in that blackness. Everything is sucked in and disappears.
In the worst times of my life I think I've held onto my faith. I've always believed God was listening and he cared. I've always loved him. I do not remember ever not. I want to believe I still do.
Today, I've asked all the questions I know to ask. I've prayed all the prayers I know to pray. I've said all the things I know to say. And the darkness echos.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday Sunshine
The day looks very pretty out but I hear it is to be in the 90's today and over the weekend. I'll probably be spending it indoors if that is the case. Those temps here in the pothole of Indiana mean bad air quality. I have a stuffy nose already this week and it seems worse today. One of the girls here in the office has been hacking around and sounding hoarse so it could be a summer cold I've caught. I hope not. They're yuk.
My neck is bothering me the last several days. I've been doing my stretches but not as faithfully. Distractions keep interfering and I forget. I need to get over the the YMCA and talk to them about signing up again.
I have put together a nice laptop at Dell.... but it is ridiculously expensive. But, it's only money, right? I'm a power freak and I figure if I buy system a bit more than standard it will take years to be obsolete. Worked for us so far. My computers generally last 8-10 years. I still have the Gateway we bought in 1999. LOL, I do want one to take with me when I'm away from the house. If I don't write now.... I never will. Time is slipping away so very fast. . . . . . . . . . .
Well, back to work. Lots to do before five.
My neck is bothering me the last several days. I've been doing my stretches but not as faithfully. Distractions keep interfering and I forget. I need to get over the the YMCA and talk to them about signing up again.
I have put together a nice laptop at Dell.... but it is ridiculously expensive. But, it's only money, right? I'm a power freak and I figure if I buy system a bit more than standard it will take years to be obsolete. Worked for us so far. My computers generally last 8-10 years. I still have the Gateway we bought in 1999. LOL, I do want one to take with me when I'm away from the house. If I don't write now.... I never will. Time is slipping away so very fast. . . . . . . . . . .
Well, back to work. Lots to do before five.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Longest Day
As you all know by now, today was Jerry's birthday. He would have been 60 had he not left us in January. He was so looking forward to being 60. He made jokes all the time about the senior citizen's discount and how he would qualify for so many things once he was 60. He wanted to be 60. Has any of us ever wanted to be 60?
The children have gone home for the evening. My sons, Mike and David, my daughter-in-law Becca and granddaughter Sarah came over. They said they felt I should not be alone tonight and were here when I got home. We had supper together, sandwiches, soda and chips. We just sat around a chatted and I read stories to Sarah while they went and got Blizzards and brought them home. No discussions of anything heavy. Now, I'm just tired.
Several of you have sent special messages to me today. I have two friends named Cassandra here on Multiply. Cassandra C. sent a special message while the newest Cassandra has taken me on a special virtual tour today of some exciting places. We've been to a nice historical bed and breakfast with an unlimited chocolate bar, a day spa for a nice relaxing massage before going to a Murder mystery dinner theater. All in virtual time. But what fun it has been "site seeing" with her. It is a unique gift she has and I am glad I added her this past week. My deepest thanks to both of the Cassandra's.
All of you have left me messages both on the posts and in PM's that have just been so good to read and know that special people thought of me today or said prayers for me. I wish so very much I could tell you each how much your friendships have come to mean. I liked you all from the beginning. I love you all now.
I also got a card from a young lady that used to go to my church. I don't think she planned it to arrive today but it did. It was very sweet. On the front it says "Embrace Life". I try... it doesn't hold the same appeal at the moment as it did. Perhaps later.
For now, I'm going to get a hot shower and get ready for bed. I may watch a movie if I can stay awake. Actually, I'm very tired tonight and just want to sleep. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. The week has been far too long for me, and the end of the longest day is here.
Thank you, again, all my friends. I do not use the term lightly. I do hope I can be as good to you all as you have been to me.
The children have gone home for the evening. My sons, Mike and David, my daughter-in-law Becca and granddaughter Sarah came over. They said they felt I should not be alone tonight and were here when I got home. We had supper together, sandwiches, soda and chips. We just sat around a chatted and I read stories to Sarah while they went and got Blizzards and brought them home. No discussions of anything heavy. Now, I'm just tired.
Several of you have sent special messages to me today. I have two friends named Cassandra here on Multiply. Cassandra C. sent a special message while the newest Cassandra has taken me on a special virtual tour today of some exciting places. We've been to a nice historical bed and breakfast with an unlimited chocolate bar, a day spa for a nice relaxing massage before going to a Murder mystery dinner theater. All in virtual time. But what fun it has been "site seeing" with her. It is a unique gift she has and I am glad I added her this past week. My deepest thanks to both of the Cassandra's.
All of you have left me messages both on the posts and in PM's that have just been so good to read and know that special people thought of me today or said prayers for me. I wish so very much I could tell you each how much your friendships have come to mean. I liked you all from the beginning. I love you all now.
I also got a card from a young lady that used to go to my church. I don't think she planned it to arrive today but it did. It was very sweet. On the front it says "Embrace Life". I try... it doesn't hold the same appeal at the moment as it did. Perhaps later.
For now, I'm going to get a hot shower and get ready for bed. I may watch a movie if I can stay awake. Actually, I'm very tired tonight and just want to sleep. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. The week has been far too long for me, and the end of the longest day is here.
Thank you, again, all my friends. I do not use the term lightly. I do hope I can be as good to you all as you have been to me.
Happy Birthday, Jerry!
August 6, 1949 Evelyn and Gordon Maddox gave birth to a son, Jerry, at Andalusia Hospital in Andalusia, Alabama.
I would give him life today. . . if I could.
I would give him life today. . . if I could.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Urgent Prayer Request for My Pastor
Please put my pastor Willard Clement on your prayer list tonight! He had heart surgery last week, as I mentioned but he also has bronchitis. He has coughed so much he's pulled some things loose and has to go back tomorrow to the hospital. There is fluid around his heart.
Please lift this wonderful man of God up in prayer tonight and tomorrow. Our church needs our pastor!
Please lift this wonderful man of God up in prayer tonight and tomorrow. Our church needs our pastor!
Cleaning Day
My day did not start well. I'm fighting this depression and I'm not sure who is winning. I don't think it is me. I've started back on the St. John's Wort. I was off it about a month but I was fine. I realized on Saturday that tomorrow is Jerry's birthday and it has just pulled me down.
I think cutting that last tree was more difficult, too. The yard so very bare and it is like an alien landscape. I pull in the drive and the sense of something off kilter or out of place is terrible.It is similar to what I would feel coming home from work when Jerry died. I go in and sit on the computer until I'm so tired I can't see and then go to bed and pray I go to sleep. I am sleeping, but I wake up in the mornings in this very depressed state. I am nearly sick over breakfast every morning.
Anyway, I'm having my teeth cleaned today and probably will schedule to have a tooth filled. I have a filling that needs it and they talked about putting in an implant where I had a tooth pulled about 40 years ago! That's a lot of money to fork out but I have to get it fixed to prevent any further drifting of the adjacent teeth.
I may be back later.
I think cutting that last tree was more difficult, too. The yard so very bare and it is like an alien landscape. I pull in the drive and the sense of something off kilter or out of place is terrible.It is similar to what I would feel coming home from work when Jerry died. I go in and sit on the computer until I'm so tired I can't see and then go to bed and pray I go to sleep. I am sleeping, but I wake up in the mornings in this very depressed state. I am nearly sick over breakfast every morning.
Anyway, I'm having my teeth cleaned today and probably will schedule to have a tooth filled. I have a filling that needs it and they talked about putting in an implant where I had a tooth pulled about 40 years ago! That's a lot of money to fork out but I have to get it fixed to prevent any further drifting of the adjacent teeth.
I may be back later.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Bad Day's End
I'm had a very bad morning and did not go to work. My feet were hurting but frankly, I was in meltdown. Not sure what to do about it.
I was having crazy dreams and as you may recall, dreams upset me so when I woke I was very depressed. The dreams made no sense but they made me sad. I called in and then cried for a couple of hours.
After that I played with my hair to see how hard it was going to be to fix it and posted the results in the albums. And when the tree guy got here, I watched the last of the trees fall.
I'm going to bed soon. Neck bothered me all day.
I was having crazy dreams and as you may recall, dreams upset me so when I woke I was very depressed. The dreams made no sense but they made me sad. I called in and then cried for a couple of hours.
After that I played with my hair to see how hard it was going to be to fix it and posted the results in the albums. And when the tree guy got here, I watched the last of the trees fall.
I'm going to bed soon. Neck bothered me all day.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
OH! My Aching Back
I was awakened at 4:45 a.m. with a pain in my lower back. My sciatic nerve chose just that time the deliver a searing kick right to my left lower back. I reached around and found a knot that felt the size of a thumb and extended from the left of my spinal cord to my hip bone.
I shifted positions but finally had to get up and get a hot pack and put on it. It didn't help a lot. At 8:00 a.m. I got out of bed after several hours of restless sleep. I would have given a lot to have someone rub it until the know went down. I been movingaround and even sat on the edge of a chair for a bit. I found sitting at the dinning table and reading was a bit better because of the hard chair but after a while that becomes hard on you bottom.
For a bit my left leg felt like it might go but that seems to have eased off a bit. I hate it when the leg goes out. There is no one here to help me if that happens. It is nearly 11:00 a.m. now and I still have some pain but not as much.
I didn't do anything much yesterday. I worked on cleaning the garage again and I trimmed my crepe myrtle bushes. They have something that looks like baby powder on them that is killing the blooms. I'm concerned about so many things dying in the yard. I need to call the lawn people and ask what they are putting out that could cause this.
Oh, I did hold Sarah outside and she fell asleep while I was standing holding her. I rocked her from side to side, twisting at my waist. Last time I did that I had a flare up of this. So, now I know not to do that. Oddly, my neck and shoulder don't hurt as much from holding her! So, the stretches have helped a lot.
She isn't really that heavy. Doesn't weigh 25 lbs soaking wet! LOL! She's a tiny mite with boundless energy. Yesterday I introduced her to the tree guy and she said, "Hi I'm Sarah. And this is Mawmaw." We all laughed. Very proper she has become, too. Later she and I were discussing something and I told her she was a princess and she said "I'm just Sarah." No airs, apparently. Then, when I told her I was a girl, she said, "No, you're Mawmaw."
Well, I'm going to log off for a bit. I need to do some financial stuff. Makes my head hurt to even think of it.
Oh, and I would appreciate it if you would all welcome a new member of my contact list, Cassandra. She asked very nicely to join me about a week ago. She says she has been wading through the posts trying to get to know me. All I can say is that will keep her busy for a while! LOL. So, welcome Cassandra!
I shifted positions but finally had to get up and get a hot pack and put on it. It didn't help a lot. At 8:00 a.m. I got out of bed after several hours of restless sleep. I would have given a lot to have someone rub it until the know went down. I been movingaround and even sat on the edge of a chair for a bit. I found sitting at the dinning table and reading was a bit better because of the hard chair but after a while that becomes hard on you bottom.
For a bit my left leg felt like it might go but that seems to have eased off a bit. I hate it when the leg goes out. There is no one here to help me if that happens. It is nearly 11:00 a.m. now and I still have some pain but not as much.
I didn't do anything much yesterday. I worked on cleaning the garage again and I trimmed my crepe myrtle bushes. They have something that looks like baby powder on them that is killing the blooms. I'm concerned about so many things dying in the yard. I need to call the lawn people and ask what they are putting out that could cause this.
Oh, I did hold Sarah outside and she fell asleep while I was standing holding her. I rocked her from side to side, twisting at my waist. Last time I did that I had a flare up of this. So, now I know not to do that. Oddly, my neck and shoulder don't hurt as much from holding her! So, the stretches have helped a lot.
She isn't really that heavy. Doesn't weigh 25 lbs soaking wet! LOL! She's a tiny mite with boundless energy. Yesterday I introduced her to the tree guy and she said, "Hi I'm Sarah. And this is Mawmaw." We all laughed. Very proper she has become, too. Later she and I were discussing something and I told her she was a princess and she said "I'm just Sarah." No airs, apparently. Then, when I told her I was a girl, she said, "No, you're Mawmaw."
Well, I'm going to log off for a bit. I need to do some financial stuff. Makes my head hurt to even think of it.
Oh, and I would appreciate it if you would all welcome a new member of my contact list, Cassandra. She asked very nicely to join me about a week ago. She says she has been wading through the posts trying to get to know me. All I can say is that will keep her busy for a while! LOL. So, welcome Cassandra!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
A Vacant Lot, A Princess, and Grapes of Joy!
I'm really sad to see all my trees go but go they have. Even the hedges at the back that were over grown are cut right to the ground. They will come back up next year I think but they were way beyond my ability to deal with so they had to go. And he did that for no extra charge.
After lunch I went to get Sarah. Her mother and dad took her to a little fair a church was having and when she got tired, I picked her up so they could have time for themselves. I'm so nice! But we had a great time. She is such a funny little thing and just such a joy to watch. There is nothing quite like the sparkling blue eyes of a princess. And did you ever see a princess make dinner for you? They are poetry in motion. And did you know that grapes are pure joy? They are! Just watch.
After lunch I went to get Sarah. Her mother and dad took her to a little fair a church was having and when she got tired, I picked her up so they could have time for themselves. I'm so nice! But we had a great time. She is such a funny little thing and just such a joy to watch. There is nothing quite like the sparkling blue eyes of a princess. And did you ever see a princess make dinner for you? They are poetry in motion. And did you know that grapes are pure joy? They are! Just watch.
Down Come the Trees!
Here is the progress thus far! The first tree is little more than a pile of logs. It wasn't very large.
The lumberjacks taking a water break. I asked them to let me take a photo and they were very pleased by it. The guy in the center. Lew, is our friend who is heading up the operation. The other two gentlemen are also tree
men who work for other companies during the week. The guy in red says there is good money in this work. I warned them I was putting it on the blog and they were fine with it.
This limb that is about to come down worried me. It was directly over the house and almost touching the evens. Lew had been up on that roof cutting things back so it wouldn't damage the room but it was still large. They are holding a rope tied to it so they can pull it away from the house.
Here they begin to pull hard as the other man begins to cut into the tree. I was holding my breath!
TIMBER! It falls away just as they planned. They made it look so easy.
And it is now ready to chop in peices and be hauled away. You can see how bare my back yard is going to be without my lovely mimosa.
More later!
Trees Coming Down
I hear thuds in the back yard as they cut down the trees. They finally got here a bit late but that's ok. I just want it done.
I had a response to my post on the customer support site about the cross posting issue. Seems they haven't heard anything on that up to now. So I hope they fix it. I hate having to copy this stuff. I could do them in email and post them to blogger at the same time but that's a pain too as I may want to add stuff to the post.
Anyway, I'll see if this cross post and see what happens.
I'll take photos after the tree cutting ceremony. LOL
I'm feeling pretty good today. Except for the shoulder. I'm not falling apart every night now. I think it is just because I'm taking the St. John's Wort. I am only taking it a few times a week. I want to be able to go outside! So, I hope I'm getting better.
I'm going to take another trip I think in September but will have to see how the money goes. These trees were expensive! But he's doing some extra for me. He is really a nice fella. Any of you single girls interested. He is a Christian fella and nice looking. LOL. Thankfully, he doesn't read my blog. He said he is waiting for God to send him the right girl! And I have no daughters!
I had a response to my post on the customer support site about the cross posting issue. Seems they haven't heard anything on that up to now. So I hope they fix it. I hate having to copy this stuff. I could do them in email and post them to blogger at the same time but that's a pain too as I may want to add stuff to the post.
Anyway, I'll see if this cross post and see what happens.
I'll take photos after the tree cutting ceremony. LOL
I'm feeling pretty good today. Except for the shoulder. I'm not falling apart every night now. I think it is just because I'm taking the St. John's Wort. I am only taking it a few times a week. I want to be able to go outside! So, I hope I'm getting better.
I'm going to take another trip I think in September but will have to see how the money goes. These trees were expensive! But he's doing some extra for me. He is really a nice fella. Any of you single girls interested. He is a Christian fella and nice looking. LOL. Thankfully, he doesn't read my blog. He said he is waiting for God to send him the right girl! And I have no daughters!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
What's Marked in My Bible #28
Psalm 62
1Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation.
2He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.
The bold words here were marked:
10Trust not in oppression, and become not vain in robbery: if riches increase, set not your heart upon them.
Yet another song:
Psalm 63
3Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
4Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.
And a single verse...
Psalm 66
1Make a joyful noise unto God, all ye lands:
Psalm 67
3Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the people praise thee.
Followed by a song:
Psalm 68
1Let God arise, let his enemies be scattered: let them also that hate him flee before him.
Psalm 71
1In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.
Followed by a song:
Psalm 72
18Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things.
19And blessed be his glorious name for ever:
I find the pattern interesting. Note the regular verses followed by a song that would seem to support them!
Well, I see it.
1Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation.
2He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.
The bold words here were marked:
10Trust not in oppression, and become not vain in robbery: if riches increase, set not your heart upon them.
Yet another song:
Psalm 63
3Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
4Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.
And a single verse...
Psalm 66
1Make a joyful noise unto God, all ye lands:
Psalm 67
3Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the people praise thee.
Followed by a song:
Psalm 68
1Let God arise, let his enemies be scattered: let them also that hate him flee before him.
Psalm 71
1In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.
Followed by a song:
Psalm 72
18Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things.
19And blessed be his glorious name for ever:
I find the pattern interesting. Note the regular verses followed by a song that would seem to support them!
Well, I see it.
What's Marked in My Bible #26
Nature or Nuture?
Psalm 58
3The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.
God says Nature. It is this very nature that God changes! We become new creatures.
Here is another song:
Psalm 61
1Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
2From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.
Psalm 58
3The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.
God says Nature. It is this very nature that God changes! We become new creatures.
Here is another song:
Psalm 61
1Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
2From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.
What's Marked in My Bible #25
From this:
Psalm 55
6And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.
Came this:
Wings of the Morning
By Cynthia Maddox
Oh for the wings of the morning
that I might mount to the stars,
To pull back the curtains of heaven
and look on His face from afar.
The power and majesty awesome;
The beauty and glory untold;
The love and compassion beyond measure,
And worlds His hands gently hold.
At least, that's how it works for me.
Psalm 55
6And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.
Came this:
Wings of the Morning
By Cynthia Maddox
Oh for the wings of the morning
that I might mount to the stars,
To pull back the curtains of heaven
and look on His face from afar.
The power and majesty awesome;
The beauty and glory untold;
The love and compassion beyond measure,
And worlds His hands gently hold.
At least, that's how it works for me.
What's Marked in My Bible #24
I have two verses marked in this chapter but as I read over the chapter I realized a new truth. We hear much about the so called "Sinner's Prayer". I'm not one to favor canned prayers. I think each of us is different and that prayer is an expression of who we are and as such, will reflect our hearts. However, this Psalm could rightly be said to be there real deal. I offer it here in the New King James Version.
The Sinner's Prayer
Psalm 51
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4 Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,[a]
And blameless when You judge.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
9 Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16 For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.
18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.
Footnotes:
1. Psalm 51:4 Septuagint, Targum, and Vulgate read in Your words.
What two verses did I have marked? #10 & 17
The Sinner's Prayer
Psalm 51
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4 Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,[a]
And blameless when You judge.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
9 Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16 For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.
18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.
Footnotes:
1. Psalm 51:4 Septuagint, Targum, and Vulgate read in Your words.
What two verses did I have marked? #10 & 17
What's Marked in My Bible #23
I can say with truth that I have never gone hungry.
Psalm 50
10For every beast of the forest is mine, and the cattle upon a thousand hills.
15And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
The following two verses form another song.
14Offer unto God thanksgiving; and pay thy vows unto the most High:
23Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God.
Psalm 50
10For every beast of the forest is mine, and the cattle upon a thousand hills.
15And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
The following two verses form another song.
14Offer unto God thanksgiving; and pay thy vows unto the most High:
23Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God.
What's Marked in My Bible #22
Psalm 40
1I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
2He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.
3And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.
Psalm 47
1O clap your hands, all ye people; shout unto God with the voice of triumph.
6Sing praises to God, sing praises: sing praises unto our King, sing praises.
The following is another scripture song I learned long ago. I wish I could get music for them so I could save them for Sarah.
Psalm 48
1Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness.
2Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion, on the sides of the north, the city of the great King.
1I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
2He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.
3And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.
Psalm 47
1O clap your hands, all ye people; shout unto God with the voice of triumph.
6Sing praises to God, sing praises: sing praises unto our King, sing praises.
The following is another scripture song I learned long ago. I wish I could get music for them so I could save them for Sarah.
Psalm 48
1Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness.
2Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion, on the sides of the north, the city of the great King.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Disorentation & Realization
Last night I was very tired and so went to bed and read until what I will swear was 11:30. I actually went to bed before that and ready until that time. I thought that was a good time to call it a night as I could hardly stay awake any longer and the book was starting to blur after every page. So, I turned out the light and I think I went to sleep almost immediately. Mind you, I KNOW it was 11:30 p.m. My clock is digital with large numbers.
I don't know how much time passed but I was sleeping hard when I woke up with a start and sat up. I've been waking like this now for a few weeks, startled and shooting up in bed. Not good. Anyway, it was very dark and I felt confused so I turned on the light to see what time it was. The clock said 11:30! That made no sense to me. I felt I had slept for some time. I got up and went around the house trying to figure out what time it was and if my clock was stopped. I was very confused and sat on the bed for several minutes trying to figure it all out. I've been having problems with being disorientated when I wake up. Eventually, I knew it was not ever going to make sense and so I got back into bed and went back to sleep.
I think I slept well because I don't remember waking all night. I'm not tossing and turning as much and I think that is because my pain has been very minimal. But I got up this morning and was immediately depressed. I cried at the breakfast table and would have cried all the way to work but I can't function like that. So, I gave myself a few mental slaps so I could leave actually the house. I still don't feel well this morning.
Then, I realized, today is the 29th. Six months since someone took up my life, shook it and turned it all out. Half the pieces are still missing. It is as if I am out of sync with daily living. Remember those old movies where people are talking and their mouths don't match up with the sounds they are making. That's kind of like I feel. I'm ten seconds behind the action in every aspect. I'm able to do my work but once home, I can't do anything. I have stuff sitting everywhere that I need to do something with but by the time I get up to act on it I've lost it any ability to deal with it and end up doing nothing but staring at the mess and saying, "I'll do it later."
I'm going to get back to work now and see if I can finish up a few items. End of month is always either very hectic because I'm behind or it drags because I'm ahead. This one seems to be a slow one so it means there is less of the hard stuff to do. I may drop in later tonight.
I don't know how much time passed but I was sleeping hard when I woke up with a start and sat up. I've been waking like this now for a few weeks, startled and shooting up in bed. Not good. Anyway, it was very dark and I felt confused so I turned on the light to see what time it was. The clock said 11:30! That made no sense to me. I felt I had slept for some time. I got up and went around the house trying to figure out what time it was and if my clock was stopped. I was very confused and sat on the bed for several minutes trying to figure it all out. I've been having problems with being disorientated when I wake up. Eventually, I knew it was not ever going to make sense and so I got back into bed and went back to sleep.
I think I slept well because I don't remember waking all night. I'm not tossing and turning as much and I think that is because my pain has been very minimal. But I got up this morning and was immediately depressed. I cried at the breakfast table and would have cried all the way to work but I can't function like that. So, I gave myself a few mental slaps so I could leave actually the house. I still don't feel well this morning.
Then, I realized, today is the 29th. Six months since someone took up my life, shook it and turned it all out. Half the pieces are still missing. It is as if I am out of sync with daily living. Remember those old movies where people are talking and their mouths don't match up with the sounds they are making. That's kind of like I feel. I'm ten seconds behind the action in every aspect. I'm able to do my work but once home, I can't do anything. I have stuff sitting everywhere that I need to do something with but by the time I get up to act on it I've lost it any ability to deal with it and end up doing nothing but staring at the mess and saying, "I'll do it later."
I'm going to get back to work now and see if I can finish up a few items. End of month is always either very hectic because I'm behind or it drags because I'm ahead. This one seems to be a slow one so it means there is less of the hard stuff to do. I may drop in later tonight.
Eating Crow
The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been
changed. The bands used to bear the address of the
Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol.
Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter
from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week,
I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed
the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you
it tasted horrible."
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
From the GCFL.com
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been
changed. The bands used to bear the address of the
Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol.
Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter
from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week,
I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed
the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you
it tasted horrible."
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
From the GCFL.com
Monday, July 27, 2009
Women are getting more beautiful - Times Online
Link
I found this article to be quiet an amusing break in a rather stressful day! It is about how scientists have concluded that evolution is making women more beautiful and that these same people have more babies and that they tend to be beautiful girl babies.
I have one thing to say about that... well more than one but the first is: hogwash.
Obviously, these experts in beauty and evolution have not done a extensive study of certain sectors of society. I deal with hundreds of people who prove this is a fallacy. Some of the ugliest people in the world have dozens of children who are also truly ugly AND badly behaved.
Now, I know all God's creatures are beautiful in their own way but as my husband used to say, "They look like they were beat with an ugly stick."
Anyway, I truly doubt the findings of this particular study. Have they researched "ugly" people? What about blondes? Are beautiful blondes producing more blondes? Oh my.
Seriously, if those with great physical beauty are increasing in number, I do hope that they develop a fashion gene while they are at it. Some of these so called beautiful women look like either tramps, bag ladies, or are they are blind! And you can't tell them that the dress that looks like a hefty trash bag is hideous on them.
Of course the trash bag covers everything up! Showing your "stuff" is not attractive (we have nicknames for it in my family that would be amusing but to avoid offending anyone I'll abstain) and may be construed as advertising in some populations.
Also, please develop a style gene while you are evolving! This is the ability to carry yourself well and make what you are wearing look like it cost a million dollars even if you paid $10 for it. Stand up and stop pooching your hips forward and walking like a pigeon-toed chicken! For heaven sakes, you look deformed! And PULEASEEEEE, GET rid of the elastic skirt and the top that is two sizes too small for you, particularly if you have a belly! Lord have mercy, that thing is ugly! Clothes that fit like your skin are just tacky. You look fatter than you are! Style is the ability to hide the flaws with flair. I know you're born with it but I like to think some people can be trained! And if you are over 50, and/or weigh more than you did at 7, please do not go out of your house in a bathing suit. It is frightening and I nearly had to call a wrecker.
Now that I've offended every ugly person and all those pretty women who don't know how to dress.... I'm done.
The only thing I can say is that if you are pretty, none of what I just said will matter. The study suggest that your kind will survive because you are pretty only. You don't have to have a brain at all! Your genes demand survival and so you will have lots of baby who are beautiful.
Serves you right.
I found this article to be quiet an amusing break in a rather stressful day! It is about how scientists have concluded that evolution is making women more beautiful and that these same people have more babies and that they tend to be beautiful girl babies.
I have one thing to say about that... well more than one but the first is: hogwash.
Obviously, these experts in beauty and evolution have not done a extensive study of certain sectors of society. I deal with hundreds of people who prove this is a fallacy. Some of the ugliest people in the world have dozens of children who are also truly ugly AND badly behaved.
Now, I know all God's creatures are beautiful in their own way but as my husband used to say, "They look like they were beat with an ugly stick."
Anyway, I truly doubt the findings of this particular study. Have they researched "ugly" people? What about blondes? Are beautiful blondes producing more blondes? Oh my.
Seriously, if those with great physical beauty are increasing in number, I do hope that they develop a fashion gene while they are at it. Some of these so called beautiful women look like either tramps, bag ladies, or are they are blind! And you can't tell them that the dress that looks like a hefty trash bag is hideous on them.
Of course the trash bag covers everything up! Showing your "stuff" is not attractive (we have nicknames for it in my family that would be amusing but to avoid offending anyone I'll abstain) and may be construed as advertising in some populations.
Also, please develop a style gene while you are evolving! This is the ability to carry yourself well and make what you are wearing look like it cost a million dollars even if you paid $10 for it. Stand up and stop pooching your hips forward and walking like a pigeon-toed chicken! For heaven sakes, you look deformed! And PULEASEEEEE, GET rid of the elastic skirt and the top that is two sizes too small for you, particularly if you have a belly! Lord have mercy, that thing is ugly! Clothes that fit like your skin are just tacky. You look fatter than you are! Style is the ability to hide the flaws with flair. I know you're born with it but I like to think some people can be trained! And if you are over 50, and/or weigh more than you did at 7, please do not go out of your house in a bathing suit. It is frightening and I nearly had to call a wrecker.
Now that I've offended every ugly person and all those pretty women who don't know how to dress.... I'm done.
The only thing I can say is that if you are pretty, none of what I just said will matter. The study suggest that your kind will survive because you are pretty only. You don't have to have a brain at all! Your genes demand survival and so you will have lots of baby who are beautiful.
Serves you right.
Horrible Day
Sunday ended with a thud and today begins with a weight heavier than I can bear.
I am not good this morning and will keep this brief as I have to go to work. If you pray, keep me in your's today. If you are superstitious, cross your fingers. Today, it feels as if nothing works anyway.
This is not the way we planned our life. The one we planned included sharing the loads. This is too heavy for me.
I am not good this morning and will keep this brief as I have to go to work. If you pray, keep me in your's today. If you are superstitious, cross your fingers. Today, it feels as if nothing works anyway.
This is not the way we planned our life. The one we planned included sharing the loads. This is too heavy for me.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday Morning Rain
Trees did not get cut this morning. I'm a bit peeved. I haven't even heard from the guy supposed to cut them. It wasn't raining at 8:00 a.m. when he said they'd be here and the sun was shinning. Around 9:30 it suddenly clouded up and thundered loudly and the rain began to pour. It has stopped now but still no word from the tree man.
I'm not having pain this morning, well, not much. I had a bad spell last night. Mike messed up the new mower because he didn't do what I told him to do. He went home because I chewed him out. He lowered the blade after I told him not to and then lied to me about it. Then after I made him raise it, he again lowered it and hit a root that damaged the front guard and jammed the blade. I despise liars with a passion and both my sons know it. I went ballistic after he damaged the mower. Remember this is a brand new $300 mower and I can't just go out and buy another every time he does something stupid. He tears up every mower I have the same way. I can't count how many blades he had bent over the years. Simply because he want to cut the grass to the ground so he won't be asked to cut it for a month. Well, he won't be asked anymore. I'm tired. I only asked him so I could give him a little money. He has nothing and I was willing to pay him to do the job. MY WAY!
Anyway, I had to call David to come and help me try and fix it so I could finish the yard. I tried to take care of it myself but I couldn't get the mower up on blocks to look under it and all I could think of is I have no one to call. Jerry would have been able to help me get the thing up. I just sat down on the steps and cried. I've never in my life been this alone. I always had family and friends to call wherever I have been. I kept looking around the yard and I realized that I am not going to be able to keep this place up. I can't. It is just too much for me alone.
David came and I was just a sloppy mess. He took the guard off and the blade seems all right. I have to order a new guard for it. He also finished the yard. Didn't take but a few minutes as it was nearly done.
Mike called later but not to say, I'm sorry I lied.
This morning, I've swept my bedroom and both baths and the hallway. I still have no bags for my vacuum so can't do the carpets. I sweep them with the broom but they are getting bad. I can't stand stuff on them.
I"m going to look for some but I ordered two packs from the repair shop. They told me it would take two weeks to come in. So, with dishes washed and most laundry done all that is left is changing sheets and trying once again to organize some things in the house. I'd like to clean out the garage but that is a big job for me alone. Still, I don't think I have much choice.
Realistically, I know I'm probably going to be forced to get rid of this place at some point. There is no way I can continue this. None of the stuff Jerry helped with can now be done. Physically, I can't do most of the stuff I used to do for myself without help.
I'm going to try and get some laundry done. I've got to put away what I've already washed and dried. And today, I'm checking on the laptop I've assembled at Dell. I put it together and added it to my wish list. I usually wait a week or so because the last time, they discounted the one on my wish list by over $100. That was my desktop. So, I'm checking to see if that has happened today. It had gone down some a week ago but I wanted to make some changes.
I'm thankful I have a charge account with them. I don't want to take anymore out of savings. I was hoping to get my trees cut but now it looks like that won't be happening. Unless I can get a saw.
I'll pop back in later.
I'm not having pain this morning, well, not much. I had a bad spell last night. Mike messed up the new mower because he didn't do what I told him to do. He went home because I chewed him out. He lowered the blade after I told him not to and then lied to me about it. Then after I made him raise it, he again lowered it and hit a root that damaged the front guard and jammed the blade. I despise liars with a passion and both my sons know it. I went ballistic after he damaged the mower. Remember this is a brand new $300 mower and I can't just go out and buy another every time he does something stupid. He tears up every mower I have the same way. I can't count how many blades he had bent over the years. Simply because he want to cut the grass to the ground so he won't be asked to cut it for a month. Well, he won't be asked anymore. I'm tired. I only asked him so I could give him a little money. He has nothing and I was willing to pay him to do the job. MY WAY!
Anyway, I had to call David to come and help me try and fix it so I could finish the yard. I tried to take care of it myself but I couldn't get the mower up on blocks to look under it and all I could think of is I have no one to call. Jerry would have been able to help me get the thing up. I just sat down on the steps and cried. I've never in my life been this alone. I always had family and friends to call wherever I have been. I kept looking around the yard and I realized that I am not going to be able to keep this place up. I can't. It is just too much for me alone.
David came and I was just a sloppy mess. He took the guard off and the blade seems all right. I have to order a new guard for it. He also finished the yard. Didn't take but a few minutes as it was nearly done.
Mike called later but not to say, I'm sorry I lied.
This morning, I've swept my bedroom and both baths and the hallway. I still have no bags for my vacuum so can't do the carpets. I sweep them with the broom but they are getting bad. I can't stand stuff on them.
I"m going to look for some but I ordered two packs from the repair shop. They told me it would take two weeks to come in. So, with dishes washed and most laundry done all that is left is changing sheets and trying once again to organize some things in the house. I'd like to clean out the garage but that is a big job for me alone. Still, I don't think I have much choice.
Realistically, I know I'm probably going to be forced to get rid of this place at some point. There is no way I can continue this. None of the stuff Jerry helped with can now be done. Physically, I can't do most of the stuff I used to do for myself without help.
I'm going to try and get some laundry done. I've got to put away what I've already washed and dried. And today, I'm checking on the laptop I've assembled at Dell. I put it together and added it to my wish list. I usually wait a week or so because the last time, they discounted the one on my wish list by over $100. That was my desktop. So, I'm checking to see if that has happened today. It had gone down some a week ago but I wanted to make some changes.
I'm thankful I have a charge account with them. I don't want to take anymore out of savings. I was hoping to get my trees cut but now it looks like that won't be happening. Unless I can get a saw.
I'll pop back in later.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Update on Pastor Clement
This to my Multiply blog friends. Just got confirmation that my pastor came through the heart bypass and all seems to have gone well. Thank you all for your prayers. Continue to pray for a speedy recovery.
The lady I called to check on him said that had he not been such a good shepherd they may not have discovered this in time. He went to the ER after church on Sunday night to see if they would give him antibiotics for a cold he'd been battling for four months so that he could officiate at the funeral of a member of the church on Monday. They found a problem and ordered a stress test for the next day, which he failed. When they tried put in stints they found a much worse problem, almost total blockage of some arteries.
It is good to know that sometimes, something good can come from a tragedy. The man who died left a young wife and two children. I'm told she has no job, no skills, and no money. You might add her to your prayer list. I know exactly what she is feeling right now. It is not good.
Listen to me, ladies, all of you! I can't stress on women enough to get an education, get a set of marketable skills, and get a JOB at some point in your life, even if it is part-time. You may have to support yourself. I started college at 33 and graduated at 38. I went to work full-time at 39 for the first time in my life in a clerical job. My husband died just over 10 years after I started working at my job. I never went to work with the thought of being primary breadwinner and eventually my sole support. Today, I am just that.
Jerry began to have health problems in 1988. Had I not looked at Jerry one day, in 1989 and said, "You know, I think I should enroll in classes and get some job skills. You won't be in the military forever and your health might get worse. I can work and supplement our income." I do not know where we would have been and right about now. Things would have been a disaster.
In 1995 I graduated and he was medically discharged and unemployed for over two years by that point. I worked part-time teaching and temp jobs and he got a job driving a truck until his disability was approved. Then he had a series of job, illness, and unemployment. Had I not be able to get a good job, we'd have lost our home and everything else long ago.
Women, take care of yourself by educating yourself. Teach your daughter's to educate themselves. Learn every thing you can learn, no matter how trivial it seems. NO skill is useless.
Do not think for one minute this can't happen to you. Prepare for the worst and if it doesn't happen, you can sit in the sunshine and enjoy a a life of no troubles. If it does happen to you, you'll have fewer worries.
The lady I called to check on him said that had he not been such a good shepherd they may not have discovered this in time. He went to the ER after church on Sunday night to see if they would give him antibiotics for a cold he'd been battling for four months so that he could officiate at the funeral of a member of the church on Monday. They found a problem and ordered a stress test for the next day, which he failed. When they tried put in stints they found a much worse problem, almost total blockage of some arteries.
It is good to know that sometimes, something good can come from a tragedy. The man who died left a young wife and two children. I'm told she has no job, no skills, and no money. You might add her to your prayer list. I know exactly what she is feeling right now. It is not good.
Listen to me, ladies, all of you! I can't stress on women enough to get an education, get a set of marketable skills, and get a JOB at some point in your life, even if it is part-time. You may have to support yourself. I started college at 33 and graduated at 38. I went to work full-time at 39 for the first time in my life in a clerical job. My husband died just over 10 years after I started working at my job. I never went to work with the thought of being primary breadwinner and eventually my sole support. Today, I am just that.
Jerry began to have health problems in 1988. Had I not looked at Jerry one day, in 1989 and said, "You know, I think I should enroll in classes and get some job skills. You won't be in the military forever and your health might get worse. I can work and supplement our income." I do not know where we would have been and right about now. Things would have been a disaster.
In 1995 I graduated and he was medically discharged and unemployed for over two years by that point. I worked part-time teaching and temp jobs and he got a job driving a truck until his disability was approved. Then he had a series of job, illness, and unemployment. Had I not be able to get a good job, we'd have lost our home and everything else long ago.
Women, take care of yourself by educating yourself. Teach your daughter's to educate themselves. Learn every thing you can learn, no matter how trivial it seems. NO skill is useless.
Do not think for one minute this can't happen to you. Prepare for the worst and if it doesn't happen, you can sit in the sunshine and enjoy a a life of no troubles. If it does happen to you, you'll have fewer worries.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Urgent Prayer Request
Please add my pastor, Willard Clement, to your prayer list tonight. He will have open heart surgery Thrusday morning, central US time.
This is a wonderful and devoted man of God and he has been so wonderful to my family for the last 10 years. He is 72 and has been blessed with good health and our church needs him just little longer, please God.
This is a wonderful and devoted man of God and he has been so wonderful to my family for the last 10 years. He is 72 and has been blessed with good health and our church needs him just little longer, please God.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Dangling Participles
You all know by now that words are my passion. I love playing in piles of them. Well, here is another example. Did I already post this?
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with
wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her
husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine
buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch
watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with
wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her
husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine
buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch
watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Mermaid or Whale?
Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sun Down
I'm finishing up the day. I've been depressed all day. I woke with terrible pain in my neck and arm and a headache. I slept badly and woke several times in the night. I can't get comfortable at all. And when I get no sleep, I am more depressed.
I didn't go to church this morning but was going to tonight only, I'm still hurting. I still wish I'd bitten the bullet and gone. I'd have had less time to think. I won't be typing here much because the wrist is really painful and so is the neck. I don't know what I did to the the wrist except the dull hedge clippers might have something to do with it. I switched to pruning shears but I think the damage was done. Hands pained me a lot last night.
This happens every time I work in the yard and I can't help it. It has to be done. It is a very big yard and takes a lot of effort to keep up. With no help, I don't see how I'm going to manage.
Don't say get the sons to do it. That's a pain in itself. Neither of them wants to work, particularly for me. Don't ask. David would do it if I pay him every time. I refuse to do that. Mike will help for nothing but it is like pulling teeth. He just keeps putting me off. In the son department I screwed up royally. I like them but I don't think they like me. So I don't ask them. The fact that they were there yesterday. . David wanted money and Mike, well he had a good day I think and that's how he is on those days. He went on the roof and got the sensor from the dusk-dawn light that wasn't working. He replaced it with a new one. He does help me a lot more than David. And he doesn't ask for pay. Just lunch. LOL.
They will be offended by that. I'm sorry boys but it is true. Although, my daughter-in-law seems to love me more than my sons. She does more for me than the two of them.
Sunday appears to be a day I do very badly. It is the one day when everything comes together in a singularity and just blows up. I walked around the house a while ago. It is getting dark and I never turn on the lights here anymore. I use lamps in the room wherever I'm sitting and turn them off when I leave. Right now there are no lights on except the one over my desk. The whole house is dark.
It is like that every night. I walk around at night in the dark. I have always done it. Jerry used to ask me why I didn't turn on the lights and I told him I could see just fine and didn't need them.He always needed a light. He tried to do without a couple of times and broke a toe. I do turn them on now when I get up and I have night lights in the bath and kitchen. But that's just since he died. Odd, that cause I don't like nightlights.
Anyway, as I walked around I said, "And the earth was void and without form." That's a line from Genesis for those un-churched. And I looked at my walls and said, "But we have form, angles, corners, walls. But everything is void." Then I walked through the house and wondered what I'm supposed to do. It's dark and empty and just a hollow shell with no sounds, no lights, no life. And I find that I don't care. I have clothes piled on the sofa. I forgot to wash the laundry yesterday and did it today. I had to put away the towels from two weeks ago. They were still in a basket on the floor at the foot of my bed. I forgot them because I never go around that side anymore. No reason. The sheets from the basket went onto the couch with the other things.
I did hang up the outer clothes but everything else is on the sofa. I don't care. If I need them, I know where they are. I'm taking my meds and going to bed shortly. It is only 9:30 but I slept so badly last night and my pain is so high I need to sleep. But I thought, if I do that, I'll wake before dawn and have to sit around here. So, six of one, half dozen of another.
I am clearer headed than I've been in months but I don't like my thoughts much. And my pain levels seem to be escalating. I always have more pain in the fall than any other time. It is only a month or so away. As the days have been lovely and cool I don't know if that is a factor.
I kept thinking today. Life is really very short, you know. I can remember my wedding day so very clearly. As if it were yesterday. Then, I was bombarded with memories. So many of them, just flinging themselves at me, flies around a rotting corpse. I didn't know what to do and it was so very difficult to handle. I left the house and they followed me. LOL. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Jerry sitting across from me in a candlelit restaurant in Germany, smiling. Jerry standing by my bed in the hospital when I lost the first baby. Jerry sitting next to me in the car. Traveling at night on vacation with Jerry driving and me with my head on his thigh sleeping. That was before the days of mandatory seatbelts and reclining seats. LOL. Jerry sitting across from me on the patio. Jerry Jerry Jerry.
How do people live like this? I need the garbage taken out. I need the toilet fixed. The bathtub is leaking. I have to go under the house to see what the leak is doing and I'm terrified of small spaces and bugs. I need the stuff from a high shelf. The faucet it leaking. I need the light on the eve of the house replaced so it won't be so dark on that side. I need to talk to him. Tell him what was going on with me, to say I'm sorry, to find out what was happening to him. I want to understand why he didn't tell me. I want to know what he was thinking to do this to me. I want him to come home. Please.
It's too much.
God, what a blog. What a hideous, hellacious, nightmare of a blog. What a hell to live in. And it is all, all, all real. Guess what Hell does exist!
I didn't go to church this morning but was going to tonight only, I'm still hurting. I still wish I'd bitten the bullet and gone. I'd have had less time to think. I won't be typing here much because the wrist is really painful and so is the neck. I don't know what I did to the the wrist except the dull hedge clippers might have something to do with it. I switched to pruning shears but I think the damage was done. Hands pained me a lot last night.
This happens every time I work in the yard and I can't help it. It has to be done. It is a very big yard and takes a lot of effort to keep up. With no help, I don't see how I'm going to manage.
Don't say get the sons to do it. That's a pain in itself. Neither of them wants to work, particularly for me. Don't ask. David would do it if I pay him every time. I refuse to do that. Mike will help for nothing but it is like pulling teeth. He just keeps putting me off. In the son department I screwed up royally. I like them but I don't think they like me. So I don't ask them. The fact that they were there yesterday. . David wanted money and Mike, well he had a good day I think and that's how he is on those days. He went on the roof and got the sensor from the dusk-dawn light that wasn't working. He replaced it with a new one. He does help me a lot more than David. And he doesn't ask for pay. Just lunch. LOL.
They will be offended by that. I'm sorry boys but it is true. Although, my daughter-in-law seems to love me more than my sons. She does more for me than the two of them.
Sunday appears to be a day I do very badly. It is the one day when everything comes together in a singularity and just blows up. I walked around the house a while ago. It is getting dark and I never turn on the lights here anymore. I use lamps in the room wherever I'm sitting and turn them off when I leave. Right now there are no lights on except the one over my desk. The whole house is dark.
It is like that every night. I walk around at night in the dark. I have always done it. Jerry used to ask me why I didn't turn on the lights and I told him I could see just fine and didn't need them.He always needed a light. He tried to do without a couple of times and broke a toe. I do turn them on now when I get up and I have night lights in the bath and kitchen. But that's just since he died. Odd, that cause I don't like nightlights.
Anyway, as I walked around I said, "And the earth was void and without form." That's a line from Genesis for those un-churched. And I looked at my walls and said, "But we have form, angles, corners, walls. But everything is void." Then I walked through the house and wondered what I'm supposed to do. It's dark and empty and just a hollow shell with no sounds, no lights, no life. And I find that I don't care. I have clothes piled on the sofa. I forgot to wash the laundry yesterday and did it today. I had to put away the towels from two weeks ago. They were still in a basket on the floor at the foot of my bed. I forgot them because I never go around that side anymore. No reason. The sheets from the basket went onto the couch with the other things.
I did hang up the outer clothes but everything else is on the sofa. I don't care. If I need them, I know where they are. I'm taking my meds and going to bed shortly. It is only 9:30 but I slept so badly last night and my pain is so high I need to sleep. But I thought, if I do that, I'll wake before dawn and have to sit around here. So, six of one, half dozen of another.
I am clearer headed than I've been in months but I don't like my thoughts much. And my pain levels seem to be escalating. I always have more pain in the fall than any other time. It is only a month or so away. As the days have been lovely and cool I don't know if that is a factor.
I kept thinking today. Life is really very short, you know. I can remember my wedding day so very clearly. As if it were yesterday. Then, I was bombarded with memories. So many of them, just flinging themselves at me, flies around a rotting corpse. I didn't know what to do and it was so very difficult to handle. I left the house and they followed me. LOL. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Jerry sitting across from me in a candlelit restaurant in Germany, smiling. Jerry standing by my bed in the hospital when I lost the first baby. Jerry sitting next to me in the car. Traveling at night on vacation with Jerry driving and me with my head on his thigh sleeping. That was before the days of mandatory seatbelts and reclining seats. LOL. Jerry sitting across from me on the patio. Jerry Jerry Jerry.
How do people live like this? I need the garbage taken out. I need the toilet fixed. The bathtub is leaking. I have to go under the house to see what the leak is doing and I'm terrified of small spaces and bugs. I need the stuff from a high shelf. The faucet it leaking. I need the light on the eve of the house replaced so it won't be so dark on that side. I need to talk to him. Tell him what was going on with me, to say I'm sorry, to find out what was happening to him. I want to understand why he didn't tell me. I want to know what he was thinking to do this to me. I want him to come home. Please.
It's too much.
God, what a blog. What a hideous, hellacious, nightmare of a blog. What a hell to live in. And it is all, all, all real. Guess what Hell does exist!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)