Purpose

I think we have this image of the death of a spouse and subsequent widowhood as some romantically gentle thing where the widow wears lacy black dresses and carries these dainty hankies and has all these caring people holding her hand and surrounding her with love and attention. She is buoyed up by friends and family. Her every move is monitored to be sure she is holding up. Someone is knocking on the door, calling on the phone, sending letters and cards.

That reality couldn't be further from the truth. None of that happens. She sits alone in the house she shared with her husband. She does laundry for one, prepares meals for one, sleeps alone, listens to silence, and stares at photographs of their life. She finds some trivial pursuit to occupy her mind so she won't think about it anymore. The door is locked and no one knocks. The phone only rings when those who actually love her call. There are no cards and letters. No one holds her hands, no one caters to her at all. She becomes a pariah, an outcast.

Places they went together, she can't go alone. It hurts to go there and the people they knew avoid her anyway. Places she'd like to go that would be less painful or provide some interest she can't go alone.

Jilly said something after my last post that set me thinking about why I am sharing all this. "I know when I read your words and listen to what you are saying that there are messages there for me. I have tried to change certain things because of stuff that you have said."

I knew in my head why I am so vocal in this blog about what I am experiencing. I have hesitated at times to be so vocal but as I pointed out in the last post I feel better when I get it all out. Jilly saw the other reason. The other reason I elected to keep this open is because someday, some of you will be where I am. You will wear my shoes and eat at my table. You need to know now what is important. You can't afford to wait until you have the plate set before you to discover that the meal is unpalatable.

If only one good thing comes from what I am living I hope it is that someone will be changed in ways I was not before this happened. So much of what we do is done without realizing any long term effects. Remember the Butterfly Effect. It is the theory that the fluttering of a butterfly's wings in China can spawn, weeks later, a hurricane in the Atlantic. What you do and say has far reaching consequences. You will not see the results today, maybe not tomorrow, or even for several years. But at some point, your actions or lack of action will be seen and felt. And the results may be devastating.

You know, it is the things we didn't say to one another that drive me crazy. The things we should have talked about, things that needed to be resolved, and the things I should have done are the weights I carry now. I have to learn to live with the would haves, should haves, and the could haves. They are as sharp as swords that slash out at unexpected moments or as I turn a corner. They are a thousand paper cuts to the soul. I can't escape. I have to learn to live with these. Perhaps that is what it is like for anyone in this place. I don't know. I never bothered to find out.

So, I'm telling you.

Stop talking at one another and really look at each other. Listen to what is not being said as well as what is heard. Ask questions you are uncomfortable asking. Be kind in the face of frustration, anger, and despair. Be loving, even when the person is unloving. Be considerate even when you feel taken advantage of. Even when you own pain is overwhelming, try and see what is happening to the people around you. Say what is in your heart, not what is on your mind. For God's sake, put your hands out, extend your arms and prop someone up so they can stand just a bit longer.

If you can't see a purpose to any of it, then make a purpose. Tomorrow one of you may not wake up.