Evening to Night

Mike and I went to church this morning. I don't want to say I didn't enjoy it. That isn't exactly true. I love being in church. I can't say what was going on with me because I don't know how. I was simply terribly sad all through church.

I don't fit there or anywhere. I have no place, no purpose, and no plans. I am moving through time at a steady pace with no desire to make a stop anywhere along the way. I have no identity and no sense of belonging to anyone or any place. If I disappear tomorrow no one will notice. Or care. Jerry would have cared.

My pastor was at church this morning and while he looked as if he'd been ill, I know he probably looked good compared to what he has been in the last few weeks. It was wonderful to see him. Our associate pastor, Bro Alvey was also there. Bro Alvey is a wonderful elder of the church. Just one of those people who make you smile and laugh no matter what. He has had many health problems in the last year and so I've not seen him in months. It was truly good to see these too great men of God. I do love them both. My husband just loved them so much.

After church Mike and I had lunch at Grandy's and I took him home. Then, I came home, changed clothes and sat in my chaise in the back yard for the next couple of hours. It was pretty out. I tried to read and couldn't. I had my sun hat and my my mp3 player so I lay back in the lounger and listened to old radio shows I had downloaded. Abbot and Costello can make anyone smile, I think. I read a bit and just sat with my eyes closed listening. I could have dozed off but I became uncomfortable.

Why was I uncomfortable? I can't put my finger on it. It feels like someone is standing behind me. I want to turn around and look but when I do, no one is there. I know. I know. Weird. I can't help it. It isn't actually fear, just a sense of someone in the space around me. I have never, every had this feeling at home, particularly not when I was outside alone. I finally came in and played a game on the computer and messed with my hair a bit looking for quick fixes for a quickly graying mane. The last six months have taken a toll on several things I fear. I considered going to church but I just did not want to go through that struggle again. It is exhausting.

I am very sore tonight. I'm going to take a hot shower and see if it helps. I am hoping that tomorrow I'll be over the worst of this. It isn't as bad as it would have been had Mike not helped me. I'd have been down for a couple of days otherwise.

I don't know if I'll be back on tonight. I'm rather worn out even though I've done nothing. I am sure much of that is from all I did yesterday. I am glad that it is done. The yard looks much better. I should have taken photos of those rocks! I may still. I really want to just get rid of them. They are so much trouble.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead.