Disorentation & Realization

Last night I was very tired and so went to bed and read until what I will swear was 11:30. I actually went to bed before that and ready until that time. I thought that was a good time to call it a night as I could hardly stay awake any longer and the book was starting to blur after every page. So, I turned out the light and I think I went to sleep almost immediately. Mind you, I KNOW it was 11:30 p.m. My clock is digital with large numbers.

I don't know how much time passed but I was sleeping hard when I woke up with a start and sat up. I've been waking like this now for a few weeks, startled and shooting up in bed. Not good. Anyway, it was very dark and I felt confused so I turned on the light to see what time it was. The clock said 11:30! That made no sense to me. I felt I had slept for some time. I got up and went around the house trying to figure out what time it was and if my clock was stopped. I was very confused and sat on the bed for several minutes trying to figure it all out. I've been having problems with being disorientated when I wake up. Eventually, I knew it was not ever going to make sense and so I got back into bed and went back to sleep.

I think I slept well because I don't remember waking all night. I'm not tossing and turning as much and I think that is because my pain has been very minimal. But I got up this morning and was immediately depressed. I cried at the breakfast table and would have cried all the way to work but I can't function like that. So, I gave myself a few mental slaps so I could leave actually the house. I still don't feel well this morning.

Then, I realized, today is the 29th. Six months since someone took up my life, shook it and turned it all out. Half the pieces are still missing. It is as if I am out of sync with daily living. Remember those old movies where people are talking and their mouths don't match up with the sounds they are making. That's kind of like I feel. I'm ten seconds behind the action in every aspect. I'm able to do my work but once home, I can't do anything. I have stuff sitting everywhere that I need to do something with but by the time I get up to act on it I've lost it any ability to deal with it and end up doing nothing but staring at the mess and saying, "I'll do it later."

I'm going to get back to work now and see if I can finish up a few items. End of month is always either very hectic because I'm behind or it drags because I'm ahead. This one seems to be a slow one so it means there is less of the hard stuff to do. I may drop in later tonight.