End of the Day

The day is winding down and I am on my way to the shower. It was not really a day where I found a lot of enjoyment. I got up early. Actually was awakened at 7:30 by the phone. I can't sleep in no matter what. I dare not turn the phone off because if something happens and people have to reach me they won't be able to. But I'm really tired of getting up early on my days off.

Anyway, I got up and did a lot of running before noon. Picked up meds, cleaning, dropped off old film for developing, dropped off two sets of paperwork for two agencies concerning Mike, came home and cleaned around my office trying to sort out some things. Then, watched a couple of Hulu shows.

Picked Mike up and dropped him at the plasma bank and went to Barnes & Nobel and bought three books. Would have bought more but decided not to at this time. I actually just sat in a chair and browsed a book for a few minutes and then just sat and let the smell of books soak into my skin. I usually love looking at all the different books but after a few minutes I was done. Mind you, I've lost hours in bookstores. This was not typical. And I left unsatisfied.

Then, Mike came back early because he couldn't sell his blood today. He helped me put up the porch light and we went to supper together. I stopped by the photo lab to pick up photos disc and just got done going over them. There were 10 and all but one was Becca's! I'm annoyed. I still have 8 more to develop. These all dated from 2007. I was hoping there were photos of Jerry but mostly they were of Sarah. I've copied them to my computer but I really wanted current photos of him. I am hoping that on my rolls there will be some. But we were taking photos of Sarah all the time and he was usually working or sleeping.

I've not really had a very good day. I got in an argument with Mike around noon and took him home annoyed. I went to the cemetery but I was so upset I had to leave.

This is so terrible, to feel this way. I am so tired of missing him. Isn't that awful. I want accept that he isn't coming back but each time I think I can do it, I need him. I'm tired of the house being empty. I'm tired of not enjoying my yard and home. I'm tired of problems I could always let him handle. He got to where he couldn't do anything and I would get so angry. I didn't know why he never got things done anymore.

He had always been reliable about the things I'd ask him to handle. But then, it got worse and worse and worse until he was doing nothing but sleeping. How could I have missed that? I was tired and hurting all the time and all I did was complain about how he wasn't helping at all.

I don't feel as if I've had a holiday at all. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I don't want to have to deal with any more problems. I'm really tired of thinking and trying to avoid thinking and trying to figure out things. If the hollow feeling were really a state of being, I'd feel nothing. Everything hurts and I'm tired of it.

I'm going to take a hot shower and get ready for bed. I have physical therapy again tomorrow and this time it is at 7:30 in the morning. I have to do it for this whole month, twice a week. I hope this month will be the end of it. I don't really care anymore whether I go to the gym or not. I'd rather just sit in a chair and do nothing.

I may try and find somewhere to go next weekend so I can get away for a bit. I just need space and I'm not getting it here. But then, I don't know if it matters. I have to come back to an empty house. I usually come back sick.

Well, what started as a fairly average blog has degenerated to a first class whine fest. I'm sorry. It has to go somewhere.