The End of a Long Week

I have to work tomorrow and then I am off for the holiday. I need it. It has been a long and difficult week for some reason. I've been up and down emotionally and I'm so tired I don't know what to do. I am about to turn in for the night but felt like I should just write something.

My journey through the valley of the shadow of death isn't, I suspect, over by a long stretch. Ant times, the shadows overtake me and I feel as if I've been pulled into that hole with Jerry. It is hard to escape that. I go to the cemetery now and then because I owe him that. He would not want to be alone. He loved being in the room with me. But each time I see his name etched in that stone it is as if it is etched in my soul. Each time I pull away in my car leaving him is unbearable. Don't say stay away. I can't do that. Jerry wouldn't stay away were I in that grave and he left behind. He wouldn't have left me had it been his choice.

I've spent the last several days wondering where I go next. I suspect the exhaustion has something to do with it. I can't understand why I am so very tired all the time. I've taken my meds early tonight and probably am feeling them so I'll go to bed but I'd like to have enough energy after work to do some enjoyable pursuits once in awhile.

I got the estimate on having the trees removed. You remember I ran into an old friend at Rural King and he is in the tree removal business. He came by on Monday and gave me an estimate. A very conservative estimate to remove not just the two but two more that have to come out. It is still a lot but probably half of what he could have charged. In two weeks he and his crew will come back and remove all the dead trees. There are three that are dead and one that is just in the wrong place. It was a hedge that got out of control and is now a tree!

I hope this weekend I will be able to relax. We are planning on going to the riverfront and watch the fireworks celebration. I was looking forward to it but the closer it gets the less excited I become. This was a family event for us. Sarah shared it the last two years and this year, Jerry will not be there to see her excitement.

Good night all. I can't do anymore tonight.