Banal Monday

Well, not that that's out of the way. Monday is over for me, well, the hard part of it. It wasn't a great day but it wasn't the worst I've had either. I still have sinus issues. I am almost where I'll call the doctor to ask what to do but I am far better than I was two weeks ago so it seems silly to do that.

I have only minor pain but I am really tired. I sat out side while David cut the yard and I examined what I was feeling. It is a feeling that you've had this huge workout and you need to lie down. I don't want to lie down. I want to do things. I still feel tied but since I'm not focused on the feeling as much at the moment, it is not quite so intense. It is still there, just pushed back.

Remember my saying I was going to think of a way to use this: The Wandering Dragon Inn? Well, I started it. No idea what it is going to be or if what I wrote will remain. I just feel it is something I need to hang onto for now.

I'm going to go crochet on my shawl some more. I'm nearly done with it. I'll post photos when I finish it. I don't know if I like it or not. It isn't as large as I expected it or maybe I'm just bigger than I expected. I suppose I could modify it and make it larger but I'm not sure I want to bother. And I still have several rows so it may turn out all right. We'll see.

I want to start some other projects soon. I am hoping that my physical situation will remain this good. We'll have to wait and see.

Nothing happening at the moment. Eye of the storm comes to mind. Not a good place to be really. I had a feeling a few days ago that I always dread. Like something bad was going to happen. All I can do when I have those is pray. In general, I'm not usually wrong but I so wish I was.

Signing off now to finish cooking supper.

On the Mend

 The sinus infection seems to be waning. I've just been taking stuff to allow me to breath and using saline nasal spray for days. Seems to be working. I'm not an advocate of running to the doctor for every little issue but had this not shown signs of breaking up, I would probably have had to go. Antibiotics are the reason we are now battling super bugs. The body has defenses to address most infections but our arrogance in thinking our science was better than nature has resulted in our bodies not being able to combat these bugs. It will only get worse. We've actually weakened our immunity to disease by putting antibiotics in our food sources and over prescribing them.

Anyway, that aliens are leaving I think.

No real pain except today my left hip has a catch in it. Usually my right one bothers me but today both of them do. That's about the only pain I have at the moment. Thank God for that huge respite. I'm always so thankful for pain relief.

I had plans to do some things this weekend but with David's return and my half day trip to the airport nothing got done at all except laundry, which needs putting away. I've spent the day keeping up with Sarah and I didn't go to church tonight because I was simply exhausted an in need of some alone time. She's a joy but dynamite comes in small packages. She blows me away.

It is a late night and I'm about to go to bed. This is a wrap now. If I go much longer, I will be really exhausted tomorrow.

Little Green Men and Conquered Mountains

The week started relatively lousy because I seem to have caught a cold on top of my other maladies. The virus I've been battling seems to be getting better but what I thought might be allergies turned into something ugly. I think I now have a sinus infection. I don't know if I can throw it off myself or not. It doesn't seem to be getting worse, is markedly better than initially, but I don't see it improving over the last three days. Seems that now it is just taking up residency in my sinuses and ears. I believe it is alien in nature as all the signs point to little green men. Yeah, I know. Gross.


As you may or may not know, we have to do front desk duty for three hours, one day a week as we only have a part time receptionist. Her last day was today. Now we'll each be doing desk duty two and half hours every day. On Tuesday I was on my rotation and a person came on and wanted to know why she had not received her letter about her name coming to the top of the waiting list. She had been passed because we sent her letters and she didn't respond. She showed me a change of address and stated she had moved. I asked her if she'd turned it in and she said, "I'm giving it to you now." I explained it was too late to do it now. I even called the Admissions office and they told me to tell her to put in a request for a hearing. Knowing that she only missed her time by two days it was a good chance she'd be reinstated and allowed to start the process. As I began to tell her this, she ripped up her paperwork, threw it through the opening in the plexi-glass into my face and told me to keep my @#%@^ mess and walked out. I stopped talking and let her walk out. Gee, that's too bad.

Wednesday was move briefing day and I simply felt lousy. I didn't get a lot done in the afternoon because I was just miserable. However, on Thursday, I decided to turn on my ITunes and see what I could find to listen to. I figured if my mind was occupied then I'd be able to work a bit better. I was right. I listened to podcast of a minister that I listened to years ago on the radio. It was so good and I enjoyed it so much. By the end of the day, I had done a lot more work.

This morning when I got in I put together the folders I completed yesterday and then got to work at my desk. I pulled up ITunes and  found some good preaching podcast by Ravi Zachariahs. I stopped only for lunch and listened to it all afternoon.  I had a really productive day! I did 13 recertifications and that's a boon for me. I returned all my calls on top of that and talked to a couple of crazy people without breaking a tooth. Seriously. Ok, that was unkind. They weren't crazy. Disturbed maybe. 

I was able to finish the week feeling like I was on top of the mound of paperwork rather than it on top of me. Despite the little green men... it was a comfort.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

What a beautiful day it has been, if a bit cool for my liking. Right now at 5:50 p.m. it is 56 degrees and sunny. 
It was, however, perfect weather to do yard work. Mike and I got out and cut the yard with our new riding mower and all I can say is I wish I'd done that years ago. This huge yard is just too much to cut with a push mower. When I was younger, the exercise was good for me. It would still be good for me when I have good days. In recent months there have not been many. And I am saddened at how many times Jerry struggled to do while keeping his bad heart a secret.

Good news: Let me just say I feel about 100% better than I have in the last three months. I don't know what is in those pills but it is amazing. I think I mentioned that she gave me acyclovir, an antiviral med used in the treatment of shingles, herpes viruses, and chickenpox. I have none of those. They think I've had a recurrence of Epstein Barr. Which I never remember having at all! But she wasn't even positive of that. I believe EB is a herpes simplex related virus so I suppose it makes sense to take a med used to treat HS. I have to take it twice a day until I see her in two months. 

She also prescribed DHEA, an over the counter supplement. There are all kinds of information pro and con but my extremely low cortisol count was her reason for having me take it. I'm to take 5-10 mg but all the bottles I found were over 25! That's crazy. So, I'm cutting it in half and will talk to her about getting a smaller dose bottle. 

However, something has been a shot in the arm, at least today. I'm alert, virtually no pain, no anxiety, lots of energy, and well, just really good. If I can have this everyday I'll make it.

Now that that is done, I'm getting off and and working on my new crochet project.  A pineapple patterned shawl that I found online. It is going to be teal in color. I'll have to post it on Ravelry. I don't go there much but I do have a page. If you're a crafty person, it is a good site to meet other people who share your interests. 

Hope the rest of you have a really good weekend! Oh, had a response for  one of the jobs I sent a resume on. It is a local state job. They say they want me to complete some additional information as I appear to be a qualified applicant. {shrug} We'll see.

The Results are In

And I'm no more enlightened that I was before. 

Back to the doctor today to review blood work and see what she wanted to do. She gave me an antiviral med - acyclovir.  I take it until it is gone and see how I do. I return in two months.

Although the test indicate I have Epstein Barr, she did not commit to it. She said that I could have has another virus that caused a similar reaction. What's up with that?

My cortisol was low. Indicating my adrenal glands were "getting tired". No, I don't know what that means except I'm under too much stress for my body to recover fast enough. How do you fix it?

Interestingly enough, the RA factor was only mildly elevated and the other RA marker was normal. Again, what does that mean? No idea. Apparently, I have no inflammation. 

Really? Then why are things hurting?

Anyway the acyclovir is to help me recover some of my immune system function. I also have to get DHEA and take that. I forgot it tonight. I got off at noon and didn't get home until six. David's friend arrived and we went to supper. I came home around 8 and have sat here watching shows ever since. I'm exhausted and I had to take an Imitrex. A storm front has moved in and it has been raining most of the evening. 

Now, I'm going to bed. I think I've had enough. 

Blah, Blah, Blah

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, at noon actually  I am taking half day off because I need to and because this doctor usually takes a couple hours to get in there, see her, and get out. If she ask for any other tests, I have to do it another day, especially blood work because I have to fast. So, I'll use the time to do something at home that needs doing.

Tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment with my other doctor to review my blood work. That won't take as long and it is after lunch. So I'll take my lunch and go.

I am tired this morning but I think it is my fault. I forgot the time and didn't get to bed until just after midnight. That is something I try hard to avoid. It is never good the next day. I've been going to bed around nine or ten for a over a month because I was so sick.

For the most part, I'm much better. I still have bouts of tiredness and have to stop what I'm doing but I'm not blind with it. I feel sicker today than I did yesterday but I forgot to eat breakfast this morning. I had to call Mike and ask him to bring me something. I won't get lunch till late because of the doctor's appointment and I really don't think I can go that long.

The day feels humid out and it is a mix of sun and clouds. The trees are greening and the flowers blooming. I'm glad we've had rain because it keeps the pollen count within a tolerable range for me. Poor Mike has had a terrible time with his allergies lately. He always has it worse.

Back to work now. What a boring post!

Another Manic Monday

I was on my way to bed actually, when I thought I'd better post something. I went to work this morning, put my behind in the chair and basically worked myself to a frazzle. I'm tired.

What is a frazzle? I mean, I've worked my fingers to the bone and worked my self nearly to death. But what is a frazzle? Who thought that up anyway?

I've been sick as a dog for a month. I'm feeling better this week and I am praying that it last. But how is being sick as a dog worse than being as sick as I was? If a dog had been that sick ... he'd be a dead dog.

I love the language.

Moving on.... I didn't get to my actual work until after lunch. If this continues I'll be a month behind before the end of the month. I asked if we were replacing the receptionist. He said he was meeting with the ED in the morning to discuss some things and he thought that would definitely be on the agenda. Well, I hope so! Because now, we will each be on the phone a whole day ever week and we'll have a meeting three to four days a month, we'll be answer all our call, filling hundreds of pieces a paper a week, several hundred files, and processing all that paper coming in. Not to mention trying to meet with ever person who wants to tell you about their nasty neighbors.

I've applied for two jobs. I don't know exactly what they are but similar to what I'm doing. I'm praying for them to pass me over if this is not what is best for me. I don't want another job that will kill me.

Oh! I'm taking an online creative writing class and I'm really looking forward to this. I had signed up for Forward Motion, another writing clinic that lasts over a year. But I simply could not get into it. I was a few weeks into it when this sickness started and now I'm abysmally behind. Forward Motion is an ongoing writing class so I can try again.  The new one is a university class and is a series of video/audio lectures taught by Brian Sanderson. The class last several weeks. Your supposed to write 50,000 words in 4 months. LOL, piece of cake if I decide to write. I may just listen and take notes. Doesn't matter really. I'm not adding any pressure to it. Fortunately, I'm doing the 2012 class and it's recorded.

Anyway, very busy writing. I told my friend, Doug, today that I was no longer beating myself up about what I'm writing. I'm writing and that's what counts. That's what I want to do. I started the new blog and I feel good about it, if a little intimidated. It is different and I can already tell it is going to be a different way of writing. I'm not sure I'm going to have a lot of creative control. Frankly, I'm fine with that.

I got the notice that the Library let me reserve the room for my writing group on the 27th. We're meeting and talking about Character and Story Arcs. I like the monthly meetings on a Saturday afternoon. I am more relaxed and really enjoy it much better.

Keep me in your prayers. I'm moving things in my life and that is always hard and sometimes painful. While I am better, I'm still not over this sickness. I still get unusually tired over simply duties. I over did it Saturday and paid the price Sunday. I want to be better by the weekend because David has a friend coming to town he wants me to meet.

Once again, I'm up too late! Night!

Real Ledge Living

I woke up feeling ok. Wow, amazing how that actually sounds good. However, I only started doing something in the last hour. Cleaning the kitchen and putting on laundry and mopping the kitchen. I sat down to eat and realized I don't feel ok now.

Let me preface that by saying I don't actually hurt anywhere but my neck and that is mild since I got up and did some stretches in my neck and shoulders. I'm just incapable of doing anything because of the tiredness.

I do think there is some swelling somewhere in my upper abdomen. It felt very crowded in my rib area last night, to the point I was uncomfortable and my back hurt. This morning, that has eased but I can't be sure. How would I know?

I'm about to get up again, change out the laundry, strip my bed, clean, sweep and mop the bathrooms, and vacuum the rugs and clean the other floors/ and run a mop over them. I should be totally wiped out by then and I still have to do the bank statement and pay bills. Then I have to start on the yard.

No, I don't have anyone to help me. This is the real world of widowhood when you're sick. Waaaaa.

Why am I here? Oh, yeah, right.

I just launched a new blog. Right, another one. This makes nine on my list but to be perfectly honest, over half of those are closed blogs used to store unfinished novels from NaNo. One is my final research paper that I had to complete to graduate with a BA in history. Another is a storage blog of my old Multiply site. So, this new one..

Rendered Praise Visit.

Time, Time, Time

I'm really miserable. Tired and feel as if my insides are bloated. This is apparently not unusual as liver and spleen can swell. I will probably have to call my doctor if this isn't better in the a.m. Although, i really don't know what they can do. All my research indicates nothing can be done. 

The next question is how long? Depends on who you ask. Everyone knows someone who's had it and it varies from a couple of weeks to months. I don't have months.

And speaking of time shortages. Our front desk person just turned in her notice. She'll be gone the last day of the month. We are now down to four case managers, one inspector, on inspection clerk and one admissions person. There is absolutely no support staff. We will be doing it all, phones, filing, copying, mailings, interviews and processing the information. I can't do it. Really. There is no way we can do it. 

I've sent out two applications. I ask only that you pray for me to find the right job, whatever it is. I've sat up too late doing this but at least I've done something.   Only time will tell.

TGIF... At Last!

No day was more welcome than this day. I'm so tired that I can hardly stand it. I do not know how long this virus will be active but I'm really wishing for a quick remission. They tell me that once it is activated that at any time it can recur without warning. And there is no predicting how long it stays active. I got to tell you, based on what I've researched, this is no mild, harmless virus once it wakes up. Whatever you thought about mono... you were probably wrong unless you've had it.

During the day I have to work. I've been simply taking it easy just watching t.v. shows and reading and blogging about my thrilling adventures. Yes, those. For now the raging storm has calmed and we have a strong breeze and sunny skies. I am too tired to care much but there it is.

My yard is a morass of weeds. I'm going to buy a riding mower this weekend and then I will never need to beg for anyone to cut my yard again. I will do it myself. I wish I felt better. I'd love to get out there this weekend and clean up and get the ground ready for my princess feathers and moonflowers. Doesn't that sound thrilling?

I'm also going to see about getting the porch screened in for the summer. I can only sit on it in the mornings or after 5 p.m. but it would be rather nice to have that.

I'm working on a new blog that will have a slightly different slant than any of my other blogs. I don't know when I'll have it opened. I'm working on content. Writing and thinking about the kind of things I want there. It will be called... well, the initial name is Rendered Praise. I started to do this last year or maybe the year before. I even started laying it out but then, tossed the idea. It came back to me again about a week or so ago, with the same name. But I'm not going to do anything until I have several areas of content done. And I'm praying about the content because this is important to me. I've been too sick to do much more than set up the site and think about what I'm going to post. I have the first couple of post ready to start on. I'm hoping to do that this weekend.

Chris asked me what I was doing to surround myself with positive things. One of the things that I've done is shut off all internet activity except answering emails if needed, I unsubscribed to several items, posting to the blog, and responding to my NaNo group on FB. I go on FB to check on my family and friends but try to limit it to only a short periods. I guess I've chucked everything else as a waste of my time. It seems to be working.

Today's News 4/10/13

Sarah In the Choir

You can actually hear her singing in this one!

Catching Up, Checking Out

I did not get into bed until after midnight.The family issues continued until then. I'm so tired today and depressed. I was afraid I couldn't sleep so I just prayed for God to give me a blanket of peace and let me rest. And while, I'm very tired, I'm not collapsing. Not yet, anyway.

As happens when you go to bed your mind often does things it shouldn't. I had to get up and write it all down because I knew I'd forget it by morning. I'm glad I did that. It is going to be a good post I think. I'm working on the title. It is about how we change the will of God. Can't go into it now because I'd get started and mess up my post.

Today we are having our insurance meeting and we're supposed to get stuff ready for shredding... he really expects us to move those boxes? I don't think so. Then we're to do any filing we have. The meeting is at 2 p.m. It will probably last until at least 3 p.m. It will take a bit to get the boxes marked. What filing does he think we can get done in the remaining time?

Today is very warm, in fact,  78 at the moment. I had lunch with my NaNo Writer's Asylum pal, Kathy. I think I complained more than she but it was really nice to see her again. Of course an hour isn't enough to really get much said. I hope I didn't commandeer the conversation too much. If you read this Kathy, you looked great and I did enjoy getting together.

I've got to get ready for the next local writer's meeting. My friend, Snowgoon (aka Doug) is going to talk to the group about the Character Arc worksheet. I shared it with them several weeks ago and several folks felt they needed something like that to help structure their story. I ask him about speaker's fees but he didn't give me a price. LOL, I'm trading on friendship. Maybe he'll take a lunch in exchange.

For some reason my head is swimmy. I move it and I feel slightly dizzy. I think it is the allergies but at this point, I'm taking all kinds of stuff and nothing is working.

Later that day......

Well, I managed to get through the day without getting fired. They announced who was leaving today. One of my coworkers took one of the jobs in another department. The second person is still waiting to see if they get the second job available. As of May 1 we're down to 4 case managers and will be handling between 425 -450 files. This is astronomical. This on top of all our own filing and answering the phones and other support duties. Not support staff. They talked like within a year another cut could happen. If that happens the department is gone. We can't process on this small a staff. My guess is that they know we're going down. I believe in a year, maybe two, it will be outsourced. Time to go.

I'm looking for a telecommute job, folks.


Blood work came back. I have to go see the doctor next Thursday for the full results. My doctor likes to explain all the blood work to you. She's really a super doctor. I apparently have Epstien Barr Virus. Mono. They told me I had a "flare up" of the virus. I said, "Flare up? I've never been sick like this before. And I've never had mono. How can I have a flare up?" Look it up. You can have it and never get sick. You can pass it and not know it. Once you have the virus you have it forever and it can "flare" and you are contagious without even getting sick. How is that fair? That's true germ warfare!

There is something else but she didn't talk about it on the phone. Something to do with my RA blood work. I wonder if it is that discrepancy she noted on the last test? One being positive while the other was negative.

I'm sitting on the patio with a breeze blowing beneath the red umbrella. It is 77 out here and the clouds are increasing. I hear a storm is coming.

I'm going to bed tonight, early. I'm not available for the rest of the evening. Sometimes you really need to just check out.

Warm Monday

If you have been reading this blog long you know I have a nice little nook of a patio in my back yard where the house forms an L. It is a favorite spot of mine on warm evenings. This evening I'm sitting here enjoying the 71 degree weather. It was not a terribly sunny day but it was a warm day. For that I'm grateful.

I'm reading these books that I downloaded over the last year... no not all 400+. But I found several inspirational ones over a period of time and have never looked at them. Mainly because my reading taste are eclectic and I have a wide variety of things to read and I simply chose something else to read instead. I'll get to them all eventually. I started one yesterday and finished it today. I started the other today and will probably finish it tomorrow. They're relatively short. However, what I'm finding is they all are delivering the same message. Usually when I hear something three times I know it is important. So, I'm paying attention.

The only annoyance to this evening is my son's  ex-wife is being abusive again via text messages. It is a constant stream of cursing him, threatening him and abusive language. She wants to take their daughter and move away. However, they have joint custody and in Indiana, she has to get permission from the court to do this. He would not be able to see his daughter if she does this. He refuses to agree. So the end result is, she knows it probably won't happen and she's attempting to get him to threaten her or retaliate in kind. He just isn't that kind of person and has not done so. It is terrible because poor Sarah is a victim in all this. I had hoped her mother was a better person than all this. I was wrong. I love her like my family but her behavior is just atrocious.

I have pretty much realized this week that I can't continue to deal with certain things or people. I've got to find a way to get past it.

I'm done now. I'm going to do something else. I hope Tuesday is a pretty day.

Moving the Rocks on the Ledge

I got to work on time. I'm not where I was last Wednesday, but I'm still battling some fatigue. Not as much. I've got some dizziness as well. One ear is really ringing. So why one ear? I have congestion in my head, so maybe that's it. But wonder of wonders... very little pain elsewhere. Praise God! Dealing with one thing is way easier than a half dozen.

I'm job hunting. No, they didn't lay me off. In fact, I just got my evaluation and my job performance was 100%. However, he gave me an 85 for my attendance. Don't know why since I'm only out on vacations and if I'm sick. I've had a lot of issues this year with illness, but I use the sick time I'm allotted and I only get two weeks a year. And I usually have sick time to take so if I was abusing it, how could that be? Of course, this is the same person who can't figure out how to fix a paper jam in his printer.

I'm working on my outlook. I've been so busy feeling awful that it's pretty hard to see anything but gray skies. I watched some video's this weekend by Beth Moore. I've got one of her books and I really love it. She's a Christian speaker, and she's amazing. Anyway, I watched a video When Life has you Paralyzed. I have to say it was meant for me. I've also been reading a book called The Secret Place. Both have been what I needed to hear while I was sick.

I'm also about to limit my extracurricular activities to things that matter most. I am spreading myself too thin and doing things that do not push me in the right direction. That's got to stop. A lot of things are just excuses not to do something else. Mostly, I am trying to change myself and surround myself with the things that build me up. I realize that this means removing things.

There is so much that is empty in what we do, what I do. I don't want that anymore. It is making me unhappy. Some of my "fun" things are a waste of time and really going nowhere. Some things I think I have to do are boring and really unnecessary. Some things I'm doing out of habit are time stealers. And I don't like my job anymore.

So job hunting. Removing the bad habits. Stopping wasting my time on dead-end pursuits. Will I accomplish them all? If I can get one thing done, I suspect it would help with the others. We'll see.

I'm going to try a go to the Y two or three times a week. That's hard for me because I'm really tired in the evenings. It will cut into internet time but that's one of those dead end things so I'm trying to reorganize how much I spend there. I've done less mindless internet stuff this past week than usual. So, I've started. We'll see.

Writing is a priority. I'm working on doing more but not hard enough. Rather than talk about writing, I want to write. The blog may morph again soon or I may start a new one with a different goal. Lots of ideas churning around because I couldn't do much but sit and stare out.

The title I thought sums it up. I'll be posting the usual about Life here on the Ledge.

YIZKOR - Remembrance

Sunset today begins the Jewish Holocaust Memorial Day set aside to remember the six million Jews who died as a result of the Nazi Final Solution. I care not what your ethnic or religious affiliation is nor whether you believe the Holocaust happened. I'm not a fool and only a fool could deny the evidence that came out of Europe in the form eye witness testimony and photos of  piles of bodies, mass graves, death camps and living victims. It happened.

It should never be forgotten.

It should always be the icon for what can happen when one man is allowed complete power over any nation or group of nations. When a group of people sell their very souls to that kind of person, this is what can and will happen.

It should not be forgotten.

I recently read something that pointed that the Jews were only the beginning and had Hitler not been stopped, the world population would have been radically decimated. He hated not only Jews, but dozens of other races and religious groups. The Jews were just his closest and easiest targets. His actions were stones dropped on water, rippling outward and his intent was for the ripples to sweep over the world. He and his henchmen murdered an estimated two million ethnic Poles, six million Soviet citizens, two million Soviet POW's, 1.5 million Gypsies, 200,000 handicapped and mentally retarded Germans, 5,000 – 15,000 homosexuals. One source said Russian deaths comprised 15% of their total population.

It should never be forgotten.

The toll in human suffering and loss is still, to me, unimaginable. To watch your parent or child be dragged away and know the horrible things they would endure would have been worse than death. To go into the showers in the beginning may have been frightening but imagine once the word got out what happened in those showers. Those who followed would feel abject terror. The moments when you were lined up naked along a ditch and facing a line of men with rifles must have been the most horrible moment of your life. And if your loved one stood with you, your torment would have been doubled or tripled.

It should never be forgotten, by any race, ethnic group, religious group, or nation. Carve the memory of it in your heart, mind and soul. And tell your children to remember.

God help us all if we forget.

For More Information:
* http://www.yomhashoah2013.com/index.html
* http://www.ushmm.org/
* http://www.ushmm.org/museum/exhibit/focus/ihrd/comment_post.php

Unknown

The shutters of the day are drawn and night arrives. I'm about to turn in myself. I'm tired as usual but I had a bit longer period today where I didn't simply collapse from exhaustion. Maybe a couple of day off helped. I managed to get the shopping done and that's a plus. I hate shopping.

One more day off and I go back to work. Stand to reason that being away from the job would help. I think the job is exacerbating the problem. I wish I could just stay home but the bills won't get paid if I don't. I saw an amusing graphic of Tweety Bird on someone's Facebook page that said, If I had one dollar from one million people I'd be a millionaire. I never thought about it quite like that. I could start a fund raiser. With my luck I wouldn't raise enough to buy gum.

I couldn' think of a title... either too tired or I just don't have the imagination tonight.

Good night, sweet prince, wherever you are..... 

A Little Action & Adventure... in My Dreams

It was a dark and.... wait....no, no, no.... it was a gray and chilly day that dawned over S. Indiana. The air nipped at the exposed skin of my face. No use swatting it away. O.k., where's the 70 degrees and sun I was promised?

I got to bed later but I slept later so I balanced out. Dreamed like crazy the last several nights and while you may say, "So what", dreaming is crucial to proper sleep. Last night's was particularly vivid.

An Explosive Getaway

I was in some sort of facility with half a dozen folks, two of them men. We couldn't get out and there were what looked like a couple of dozen cells along one wall. In the center of the room was a moat like structure with a big block "room" with a barred top in the middle of of this mote area. A man was inside and he couldn't get out. We were trying to escape.

I don't know where the dynamite came from or who set the charges. My impressions (its a dream remember) was the guy in the block room did it. Anyway, on the outer wall opposite the cells and mote area were all these red circles drawn at intervals along the wall, each about the size of a quarter. As I understand it, each point is where there's a charge just large enough to blow a small section without sending tons of cement block shards into the room. (No I've never blown anything up so, I don't really know but figured we'd find out). There were enough points that the whole wall would blow out.

We only had a few minutes left. This guy looked at his watch and said run, we did, hiding behind an area that was shielded by another wall. The thing blew and we headed through the opening and outside. My next concern was how this guy was getting out of the box but the instructions seemed to be every man or woman for themselves cause that's what I did.

Apparently this cell area is not easy to escape from by "window". I find myself hanging over a cliff, half dozen other people hanging on below me. I ask where ?? is. No I don't catch his name. But he was the second man in the group. Someone below me kind of pointed and I thought they meant he was in the body of water that ran below us along this cliff. I asked what was in it because it looked choked with dead weeds and was a coffee brown. Someone said, "It's a mote." I'm sure I probably rolled my eyes.

I was looking for a way down the cliff when the guy from the "box" appeared and, of course, he nimbly climbed down to the bottom and studied the problem. It was too far to jump. On the other side I realized was a sidewalk with a low wall running along mote side. Farther down I saw a bridge that joined the walkway and lead away from this "castle". Do not know where that term came from but that's what came to mind.

Our "hero" moved along the edge of the mote and we followed. I don't know how we all climbed down but probably the same way he did. He walked alone the edge of the mote and stopped where there was a concrete piling about halfway across the mote... within easy reach of a jump. A tiny dot in a sea of brown sludge. I did not relish falling into that and besides, we didn't know what else was  in there.

Just like a deer he hopped to the piling, and then to the walk on the other side. He was smiling and saying, "Come on. It's easy." All I saw was an area about the size of a large dinner plate. I don't know what I did but I suspect it was something like staring at him and and saying, "Really?" The next thing I knew I had jumped and reached the sidewalk.

I woke up.

And this is always how I always got my ideas before I got sick.

Y'll have a nice day.

A Fine Fit

A Sunshine Fix

Just got back home. I had a lunch date today and decided to keep it. I'm tired but the day is pretty and warm and so it was probably a good idea to go out. After lunch I stopped at Sears to get Sarah some sandals and summer dresses and then had to go back to the bank because they needed a document they gave me in error. So, I was gone about three hours.

I just feel tired. Not as overwhelmed as I've been for the last 5 days and certainly not collapse in the floor exhaustion I had until today. But tired. I didn't get as much sleep last night but it doesn't seem to have made things worse. I'm going to be watching the sleep a bit more consistently. Tonight I have to go to bed before 10 p.m.

I'm also going to limit my internet activities. I'm not sure but I'm probably going to either limit time or days when I will allow myself to be actually online for anything other than responding to email. I've been canceling subscriptions for a few days now and will continue to do that. My goal is to cut down on my online presence. Probably as difficult as losing weight but it can be done. Most of my writing these days is done here. I don't expect the writing to stop. It keeps me sane and allows me to decompress some of the stress that is killing me. Anyway, those are the plans. It feels right.

Now, I'm going off again and read something. Just getting into the sunlight is a plus so I may sit on the porch and read if I can find a comfy chair. My neck is still uncomfortable and that's a fibro trigger point. When that stops hurting, nearly everything else stops hurting.

Thanks for the supportive comments in the blog posts. I'm not the most cheerful person to read these days. The fact that you did speaks volumes for your fortitude and character. Bless you.

Wanted: A Mountain Cabin & Two Bad Dogs

The vampires have been sated. They took about five vials of blood. I followed doctor's instruction and simply got up, dressed, and went. I hurt everywhere. It is astounding because I have not hurt this much in years. But I've given my blood to find out what is wrong. I hope that is enough sacrifice.

I actually had trouble sleeping. I took my medicine but drinking coffee apparently has a counter effect. Go figure. I wanted coffee. (See below.)

I've spent most of my time off reading and unsubscribing from things. I'm eliminating the excess baggage. It is time to eliminate the things that are counterproductive to my well-being. This morning I've been praying for insight to that end. Maybe everything should go and I should start over with more positive pursuits. After reading up on this adrenal fatigue, there is some hope to correct at least some of the physical problems. Clearing out one's life can be healthy. I always liked it when the Army moved us. I loved starting over with new friends, places to see, and things to do. It was like a second chance every 4 years. That's very liberating. 

I went through a period of wanting to throw away everything after Jerry died. Every three months for a year I did a stem to stern cleaning and hauled out truckloads of junk. I was horrified at the piles. I have photos to prove it. I am feeling that same need now. The junk isn't all material but is junk nonetheless. I'm hoping tomorrow will dawn sunny and warm and there won't be a lot of pain and I can clean some junk out of the house, the material stuff. My problem will be that I'm only good for about 4 hours before I crash and burn and for the rest of the day I may only be fully functional for about three hours total, and not consecutively. 

I looked up Adrenal fatigue. I never heard of it. Thanks to my friend, Nancy, I know a bit about Cushing's Disease but not adrenal fatigue, which is not Cushing's but both are caused by problems with the levels of the adrenal hormone, cortisol. And apparently they both wreak havoc on the body. Here's a list regarding adrenal fatigue I found on a site called Women to Women. They are eerily familiar.

Symptoms and health risk of sustained cortisol levels:

• Lightheadness & salt craving
• Fatigue and weakness
• Suppression of the immune system
• Muscle and bone loss
• Moodiness or depression
• Skin problems
• Hair loss
• Autoimmune disorders
• Insulin resistance
• Thyroid imbalance
• Weight gain
• Insomnia
• Aches and pains from inflammation
• Lower sex drive

Sustained high cortisol levels are dangerous because they:

• Slow down healing and normal cell regeneration.
• Co-opt parent molecules needed to make other vital hormones
• Impair digestion, metabolism and mental function
• Interfere with healthy endocrine function
• Weaken your immune system

There are apparently things I can do. They tell you and basically the same thing my doctor told me is what I have to do. 

• Avoid gluten — a protein that many women with adrenal imbalance may be sensitive to.
• Eat adequate protein at every meal — important for energy and stamina.
• Eat within an hour of waking — helps restore healthy blood sugar levels.
• Eat healthy fats.
• Eliminate all "white" food – refined sugar, flour, and grains, at least temporarily.

Now, I just have to get the blood work results and see what's really going on. But based on what I've read this is what fits all the problems I am experiencing.

Oh... and I have to avoid all the things I'm dealing with in my life...

Things that make demands on the adrenal glands:

• Lack of sleep
• Work stress
• Personality conflicts
• Yo-yo dieting
• Relationship turmoil
• Reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs
• Digestive problems
• Too much exercise
• Illness, infection or surgery
• Unresolved emotional issues
• Overwhelming responsibilities at home

Yeah, that's gonna be easy. I'd get me to a nunnery but I'm not Catholic. But a cabin in the mountains has always had an appeal. I used to tell Jerry that we'd retire to one. There'd be one road in and one road out and a couple of very bad dogs roaming the woods. The image is always in the back of my mind. 

I have to go now. Just had a dizzy spell and feel sick. I've been up since 7 a.m. and it is nearly 11 a.m. now. That's 4 hours. Right on target.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all those praying friends who have responded to my requests for prayer. I've made many this week. Despite all the medical knowledge in the world, I know where the only solution to any problem lies. When I can't help myself, I know He does. 

Skewed Plans

Ah... no lunch as planned. Bank got the docs early and I went in to sign them. Closing done and all debts consolidated. So... I can get laid off without fearing a total disaster... well, a much smaller one than previously anticipated anyway.

I have a good doctor. She's really good and thorough. I have to be at the lab before 8 tomorrow for blood work. She's checking me for Epstein-Barr, adrenal hormone levels, DHTC(?), and something else but etc, etc, etc. She thinks is is possible that the steroids they put me on may have led to this problem... whatever it is. Apparently, they can mess with your adrenal hormones and cause you system to go wonky. I'd say it is wonky. The ears.. didn't look quite right so maybe a sinus/allergy issue. 

So, I visit the vampires in the morning... before daylight, of course. 

She told me just because she didn't know what was wrong didn't mean something wasn't wrong. 

My doctor is wrapped very tightly but she has these flashes of humor that surprise me. I suspect outside the office she's very funny. I suspect the emotional distance may be just her way of  remaining professional. By the time I was done, I didn't feel I was going crazy and she gave me a website to check out to make me laugh. LOL, really.

It is a relief just to not feel I'm crazy or over reacting or causing this.

On an odd note... she talked about my last blood work... two test they do for the sedimentation rate in the blood to detect RA... they had different results. One positive  but not really high and the other was normal. I was surprised and asked her, What does that mean!"? She said, "Good question." She's not the doctor treating me for RA. However, if I lose my job she may very well be. But one was not very high and the other was normal? 

I'm home now... feeling lousy for the most part but at least I'll have fewer bills this month. And I have three more days off. 

Plethora of Miscellany

I'm home today. I took two vacation days off from work because I haven't got enough time to be sick. I'm still sick. But I did sleep until nearly 9 today. I'm going to lunch in a minute.

I'm considering job hunting. I need to call around some places first and see how that's going to hit me financially. It will be a huge drop in income. And benefits. I've got 5 weeks of vacation a year, 14 paid holidays, 2 personal days a year, and 2 weeks sick time per year. I will lose all that and take probably a 50% pay cut. Not to mention, a retirement plan that they pay 8% a year on. I really need this job but this job is a good chunk of the problem. And it is going to get worse with staff cuts.

Here's what we think is happening. We believe they are trying to force people out so they can restructure the jobs with less benefits, less pay, and fewer people. In a this kind of job, if all staff in one job leave, they can re-post those jobs for less money and benefits. Our agency is a high performer in with HUD. This means we're never late on our submissions to HUD. That's what you want to be. However, if you cut staff, your ability to stay at the high levels decreases exponentially. During a recent meeting with the ED, I specifically asked what happens if we're so short staffed we can't continue as a high performer. I pointed out with the promised cuts in staff, that would probably happen. The ED said, HUD would step in and administer the program. That means everyone in my department would be gone completely. HUD would come in, take over, at no cost to the agency, and then at some point, the agency could restructure the department and rehire at reduced administrative cost.

If you google corruption in federally assisted housing, you will find it is a highly abused program. Across the nation agencies are consistently misusing funds and those in charge are frequently the culprit.. This is to the determent of those receiving the assistance as well as the people employed. Having worked in the industry for 15 years, I can tell you, fraud is not that hard to detect if there are checks in place to flag it. But honestly, it is an easy system to manipulate if no one watches.  Here's a HUD report of how prevalent the problem is. http://www.coburn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=641349c1-4667-4c9b-9bf9-1ec5b52ccd5d

And past scandals abound: http://www.downsizinggovernment.org/hud/scandals

So, maybe it is time for me to consider something else. I would so miss the luxury of all that time off. I'd be working more for less. I don't know if I can do that. Not anymore.


I'm still having trouble with exhaustion, dizziness, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, ringing in my ears, and anxiety. I've been going to bed 9-9:30 nearly every night. I sleep. I'm better the first four hours of the morning and then I come crashing down. I may have a few hours in the afternoon when I feel o.k. but I generally get very sick in the afternoon.

This has been going on for a month now, progressively worse. This week... on Sunday I told the boys I felt like I was dying. They weren't happy with the assessment. I'm not thrilled either.

So, what to do. Nothing. If it is fibro, there's nothing they can do. It is RA, there's nothing they can do. I see my RA doctor in two weeks. I called my primary and they'll see me today at 2:15 but I'm suppose to go to the bank at 3:30 and close on my house! We'll see.

Did I mention I went to the Y with Dave on Tuesday night? I managed 30 minutes on a bike. I had leg cramps that night and the Wednesday. No, I didn't use resistance. I just got on and peddled at a leisurely pace while reading.

I am hoping to get my head clear enough to writing some over the weekend. I simply don't know. It has been such a nightmare for weeks trying to do anything.

Now for lunch. I should have time to go grab a salad before my doctor's appointment around 2. I can sit and read for a bit maybe. I'm already feeling tired and I've done nothing.

Drowning

I'm living some kind of nightmare. Really. I am so sick and I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel as if I've been forced march through hell. I'm tired, more tired than I can ever remember being. I walk from one end of the building to the other and have to sit down when I get back to my office and can barely think straight. I can't concentrate at all.  I have no idea what is causing it.

No, I haven't  been to the doctor. They were both on spring break. No, I did not consider the ER. My ER copay is $100 plus 10% of the bill. Do you know what the ER is costing these days? About $15,000. Ain't happenin'.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. The night before at 10:30. Tonight... soon.Nothing I do seems to help. And it comes on in waves. I seem fine when suddenly I'm hit with this wave of total ... exhaustion doesn't begin to describe it. I've had dizziness. My neck hurts. My head hurts now and then, but it usually does when I have neck pain. I just want to lie down and my stress level from all this is making me an emotional wreck.

 I have a doctor's appt in two weeks but I'm not sure it will matter. They never find anything they can do. And I get tired of going to hear the same thing.

I'm drowning in this.