Today's News 4/10/13

Sarah In the Choir

You can actually hear her singing in this one!

Catching Up, Checking Out

I did not get into bed until after midnight.The family issues continued until then. I'm so tired today and depressed. I was afraid I couldn't sleep so I just prayed for God to give me a blanket of peace and let me rest. And while, I'm very tired, I'm not collapsing. Not yet, anyway.

As happens when you go to bed your mind often does things it shouldn't. I had to get up and write it all down because I knew I'd forget it by morning. I'm glad I did that. It is going to be a good post I think. I'm working on the title. It is about how we change the will of God. Can't go into it now because I'd get started and mess up my post.

Today we are having our insurance meeting and we're supposed to get stuff ready for shredding... he really expects us to move those boxes? I don't think so. Then we're to do any filing we have. The meeting is at 2 p.m. It will probably last until at least 3 p.m. It will take a bit to get the boxes marked. What filing does he think we can get done in the remaining time?

Today is very warm, in fact,  78 at the moment. I had lunch with my NaNo Writer's Asylum pal, Kathy. I think I complained more than she but it was really nice to see her again. Of course an hour isn't enough to really get much said. I hope I didn't commandeer the conversation too much. If you read this Kathy, you looked great and I did enjoy getting together.

I've got to get ready for the next local writer's meeting. My friend, Snowgoon (aka Doug) is going to talk to the group about the Character Arc worksheet. I shared it with them several weeks ago and several folks felt they needed something like that to help structure their story. I ask him about speaker's fees but he didn't give me a price. LOL, I'm trading on friendship. Maybe he'll take a lunch in exchange.

For some reason my head is swimmy. I move it and I feel slightly dizzy. I think it is the allergies but at this point, I'm taking all kinds of stuff and nothing is working.

Later that day......

Well, I managed to get through the day without getting fired. They announced who was leaving today. One of my coworkers took one of the jobs in another department. The second person is still waiting to see if they get the second job available. As of May 1 we're down to 4 case managers and will be handling between 425 -450 files. This is astronomical. This on top of all our own filing and answering the phones and other support duties. Not support staff. They talked like within a year another cut could happen. If that happens the department is gone. We can't process on this small a staff. My guess is that they know we're going down. I believe in a year, maybe two, it will be outsourced. Time to go.

I'm looking for a telecommute job, folks.


Blood work came back. I have to go see the doctor next Thursday for the full results. My doctor likes to explain all the blood work to you. She's really a super doctor. I apparently have Epstien Barr Virus. Mono. They told me I had a "flare up" of the virus. I said, "Flare up? I've never been sick like this before. And I've never had mono. How can I have a flare up?" Look it up. You can have it and never get sick. You can pass it and not know it. Once you have the virus you have it forever and it can "flare" and you are contagious without even getting sick. How is that fair? That's true germ warfare!

There is something else but she didn't talk about it on the phone. Something to do with my RA blood work. I wonder if it is that discrepancy she noted on the last test? One being positive while the other was negative.

I'm sitting on the patio with a breeze blowing beneath the red umbrella. It is 77 out here and the clouds are increasing. I hear a storm is coming.

I'm going to bed tonight, early. I'm not available for the rest of the evening. Sometimes you really need to just check out.

Warm Monday

If you have been reading this blog long you know I have a nice little nook of a patio in my back yard where the house forms an L. It is a favorite spot of mine on warm evenings. This evening I'm sitting here enjoying the 71 degree weather. It was not a terribly sunny day but it was a warm day. For that I'm grateful.

I'm reading these books that I downloaded over the last year... no not all 400+. But I found several inspirational ones over a period of time and have never looked at them. Mainly because my reading taste are eclectic and I have a wide variety of things to read and I simply chose something else to read instead. I'll get to them all eventually. I started one yesterday and finished it today. I started the other today and will probably finish it tomorrow. They're relatively short. However, what I'm finding is they all are delivering the same message. Usually when I hear something three times I know it is important. So, I'm paying attention.

The only annoyance to this evening is my son's  ex-wife is being abusive again via text messages. It is a constant stream of cursing him, threatening him and abusive language. She wants to take their daughter and move away. However, they have joint custody and in Indiana, she has to get permission from the court to do this. He would not be able to see his daughter if she does this. He refuses to agree. So the end result is, she knows it probably won't happen and she's attempting to get him to threaten her or retaliate in kind. He just isn't that kind of person and has not done so. It is terrible because poor Sarah is a victim in all this. I had hoped her mother was a better person than all this. I was wrong. I love her like my family but her behavior is just atrocious.

I have pretty much realized this week that I can't continue to deal with certain things or people. I've got to find a way to get past it.

I'm done now. I'm going to do something else. I hope Tuesday is a pretty day.

Moving the Rocks on the Ledge

I got to work on time. I'm not where I was last Wednesday, but I'm still battling some fatigue. Not as much. I've got some dizziness as well. One ear is really ringing. So why one ear? I have congestion in my head, so maybe that's it. But wonder of wonders... very little pain elsewhere. Praise God! Dealing with one thing is way easier than a half dozen.

I'm job hunting. No, they didn't lay me off. In fact, I just got my evaluation and my job performance was 100%. However, he gave me an 85 for my attendance. Don't know why since I'm only out on vacations and if I'm sick. I've had a lot of issues this year with illness, but I use the sick time I'm allotted and I only get two weeks a year. And I usually have sick time to take so if I was abusing it, how could that be? Of course, this is the same person who can't figure out how to fix a paper jam in his printer.

I'm working on my outlook. I've been so busy feeling awful that it's pretty hard to see anything but gray skies. I watched some video's this weekend by Beth Moore. I've got one of her books and I really love it. She's a Christian speaker, and she's amazing. Anyway, I watched a video When Life has you Paralyzed. I have to say it was meant for me. I've also been reading a book called The Secret Place. Both have been what I needed to hear while I was sick.

I'm also about to limit my extracurricular activities to things that matter most. I am spreading myself too thin and doing things that do not push me in the right direction. That's got to stop. A lot of things are just excuses not to do something else. Mostly, I am trying to change myself and surround myself with the things that build me up. I realize that this means removing things.

There is so much that is empty in what we do, what I do. I don't want that anymore. It is making me unhappy. Some of my "fun" things are a waste of time and really going nowhere. Some things I think I have to do are boring and really unnecessary. Some things I'm doing out of habit are time stealers. And I don't like my job anymore.

So job hunting. Removing the bad habits. Stopping wasting my time on dead-end pursuits. Will I accomplish them all? If I can get one thing done, I suspect it would help with the others. We'll see.

I'm going to try a go to the Y two or three times a week. That's hard for me because I'm really tired in the evenings. It will cut into internet time but that's one of those dead end things so I'm trying to reorganize how much I spend there. I've done less mindless internet stuff this past week than usual. So, I've started. We'll see.

Writing is a priority. I'm working on doing more but not hard enough. Rather than talk about writing, I want to write. The blog may morph again soon or I may start a new one with a different goal. Lots of ideas churning around because I couldn't do much but sit and stare out.

The title I thought sums it up. I'll be posting the usual about Life here on the Ledge.

YIZKOR - Remembrance

Sunset today begins the Jewish Holocaust Memorial Day set aside to remember the six million Jews who died as a result of the Nazi Final Solution. I care not what your ethnic or religious affiliation is nor whether you believe the Holocaust happened. I'm not a fool and only a fool could deny the evidence that came out of Europe in the form eye witness testimony and photos of  piles of bodies, mass graves, death camps and living victims. It happened.

It should never be forgotten.

It should always be the icon for what can happen when one man is allowed complete power over any nation or group of nations. When a group of people sell their very souls to that kind of person, this is what can and will happen.

It should not be forgotten.

I recently read something that pointed that the Jews were only the beginning and had Hitler not been stopped, the world population would have been radically decimated. He hated not only Jews, but dozens of other races and religious groups. The Jews were just his closest and easiest targets. His actions were stones dropped on water, rippling outward and his intent was for the ripples to sweep over the world. He and his henchmen murdered an estimated two million ethnic Poles, six million Soviet citizens, two million Soviet POW's, 1.5 million Gypsies, 200,000 handicapped and mentally retarded Germans, 5,000 – 15,000 homosexuals. One source said Russian deaths comprised 15% of their total population.

It should never be forgotten.

The toll in human suffering and loss is still, to me, unimaginable. To watch your parent or child be dragged away and know the horrible things they would endure would have been worse than death. To go into the showers in the beginning may have been frightening but imagine once the word got out what happened in those showers. Those who followed would feel abject terror. The moments when you were lined up naked along a ditch and facing a line of men with rifles must have been the most horrible moment of your life. And if your loved one stood with you, your torment would have been doubled or tripled.

It should never be forgotten, by any race, ethnic group, religious group, or nation. Carve the memory of it in your heart, mind and soul. And tell your children to remember.

God help us all if we forget.

For More Information:
* http://www.yomhashoah2013.com/index.html
* http://www.ushmm.org/
* http://www.ushmm.org/museum/exhibit/focus/ihrd/comment_post.php

Unknown

The shutters of the day are drawn and night arrives. I'm about to turn in myself. I'm tired as usual but I had a bit longer period today where I didn't simply collapse from exhaustion. Maybe a couple of day off helped. I managed to get the shopping done and that's a plus. I hate shopping.

One more day off and I go back to work. Stand to reason that being away from the job would help. I think the job is exacerbating the problem. I wish I could just stay home but the bills won't get paid if I don't. I saw an amusing graphic of Tweety Bird on someone's Facebook page that said, If I had one dollar from one million people I'd be a millionaire. I never thought about it quite like that. I could start a fund raiser. With my luck I wouldn't raise enough to buy gum.

I couldn' think of a title... either too tired or I just don't have the imagination tonight.

Good night, sweet prince, wherever you are..... 

A Little Action & Adventure... in My Dreams

It was a dark and.... wait....no, no, no.... it was a gray and chilly day that dawned over S. Indiana. The air nipped at the exposed skin of my face. No use swatting it away. O.k., where's the 70 degrees and sun I was promised?

I got to bed later but I slept later so I balanced out. Dreamed like crazy the last several nights and while you may say, "So what", dreaming is crucial to proper sleep. Last night's was particularly vivid.

An Explosive Getaway

I was in some sort of facility with half a dozen folks, two of them men. We couldn't get out and there were what looked like a couple of dozen cells along one wall. In the center of the room was a moat like structure with a big block "room" with a barred top in the middle of of this mote area. A man was inside and he couldn't get out. We were trying to escape.

I don't know where the dynamite came from or who set the charges. My impressions (its a dream remember) was the guy in the block room did it. Anyway, on the outer wall opposite the cells and mote area were all these red circles drawn at intervals along the wall, each about the size of a quarter. As I understand it, each point is where there's a charge just large enough to blow a small section without sending tons of cement block shards into the room. (No I've never blown anything up so, I don't really know but figured we'd find out). There were enough points that the whole wall would blow out.

We only had a few minutes left. This guy looked at his watch and said run, we did, hiding behind an area that was shielded by another wall. The thing blew and we headed through the opening and outside. My next concern was how this guy was getting out of the box but the instructions seemed to be every man or woman for themselves cause that's what I did.

Apparently this cell area is not easy to escape from by "window". I find myself hanging over a cliff, half dozen other people hanging on below me. I ask where ?? is. No I don't catch his name. But he was the second man in the group. Someone below me kind of pointed and I thought they meant he was in the body of water that ran below us along this cliff. I asked what was in it because it looked choked with dead weeds and was a coffee brown. Someone said, "It's a mote." I'm sure I probably rolled my eyes.

I was looking for a way down the cliff when the guy from the "box" appeared and, of course, he nimbly climbed down to the bottom and studied the problem. It was too far to jump. On the other side I realized was a sidewalk with a low wall running along mote side. Farther down I saw a bridge that joined the walkway and lead away from this "castle". Do not know where that term came from but that's what came to mind.

Our "hero" moved along the edge of the mote and we followed. I don't know how we all climbed down but probably the same way he did. He walked alone the edge of the mote and stopped where there was a concrete piling about halfway across the mote... within easy reach of a jump. A tiny dot in a sea of brown sludge. I did not relish falling into that and besides, we didn't know what else was  in there.

Just like a deer he hopped to the piling, and then to the walk on the other side. He was smiling and saying, "Come on. It's easy." All I saw was an area about the size of a large dinner plate. I don't know what I did but I suspect it was something like staring at him and and saying, "Really?" The next thing I knew I had jumped and reached the sidewalk.

I woke up.

And this is always how I always got my ideas before I got sick.

Y'll have a nice day.

A Fine Fit

A Sunshine Fix

Just got back home. I had a lunch date today and decided to keep it. I'm tired but the day is pretty and warm and so it was probably a good idea to go out. After lunch I stopped at Sears to get Sarah some sandals and summer dresses and then had to go back to the bank because they needed a document they gave me in error. So, I was gone about three hours.

I just feel tired. Not as overwhelmed as I've been for the last 5 days and certainly not collapse in the floor exhaustion I had until today. But tired. I didn't get as much sleep last night but it doesn't seem to have made things worse. I'm going to be watching the sleep a bit more consistently. Tonight I have to go to bed before 10 p.m.

I'm also going to limit my internet activities. I'm not sure but I'm probably going to either limit time or days when I will allow myself to be actually online for anything other than responding to email. I've been canceling subscriptions for a few days now and will continue to do that. My goal is to cut down on my online presence. Probably as difficult as losing weight but it can be done. Most of my writing these days is done here. I don't expect the writing to stop. It keeps me sane and allows me to decompress some of the stress that is killing me. Anyway, those are the plans. It feels right.

Now, I'm going off again and read something. Just getting into the sunlight is a plus so I may sit on the porch and read if I can find a comfy chair. My neck is still uncomfortable and that's a fibro trigger point. When that stops hurting, nearly everything else stops hurting.

Thanks for the supportive comments in the blog posts. I'm not the most cheerful person to read these days. The fact that you did speaks volumes for your fortitude and character. Bless you.

Wanted: A Mountain Cabin & Two Bad Dogs

The vampires have been sated. They took about five vials of blood. I followed doctor's instruction and simply got up, dressed, and went. I hurt everywhere. It is astounding because I have not hurt this much in years. But I've given my blood to find out what is wrong. I hope that is enough sacrifice.

I actually had trouble sleeping. I took my medicine but drinking coffee apparently has a counter effect. Go figure. I wanted coffee. (See below.)

I've spent most of my time off reading and unsubscribing from things. I'm eliminating the excess baggage. It is time to eliminate the things that are counterproductive to my well-being. This morning I've been praying for insight to that end. Maybe everything should go and I should start over with more positive pursuits. After reading up on this adrenal fatigue, there is some hope to correct at least some of the physical problems. Clearing out one's life can be healthy. I always liked it when the Army moved us. I loved starting over with new friends, places to see, and things to do. It was like a second chance every 4 years. That's very liberating. 

I went through a period of wanting to throw away everything after Jerry died. Every three months for a year I did a stem to stern cleaning and hauled out truckloads of junk. I was horrified at the piles. I have photos to prove it. I am feeling that same need now. The junk isn't all material but is junk nonetheless. I'm hoping tomorrow will dawn sunny and warm and there won't be a lot of pain and I can clean some junk out of the house, the material stuff. My problem will be that I'm only good for about 4 hours before I crash and burn and for the rest of the day I may only be fully functional for about three hours total, and not consecutively. 

I looked up Adrenal fatigue. I never heard of it. Thanks to my friend, Nancy, I know a bit about Cushing's Disease but not adrenal fatigue, which is not Cushing's but both are caused by problems with the levels of the adrenal hormone, cortisol. And apparently they both wreak havoc on the body. Here's a list regarding adrenal fatigue I found on a site called Women to Women. They are eerily familiar.

Symptoms and health risk of sustained cortisol levels:

• Lightheadness & salt craving
• Fatigue and weakness
• Suppression of the immune system
• Muscle and bone loss
• Moodiness or depression
• Skin problems
• Hair loss
• Autoimmune disorders
• Insulin resistance
• Thyroid imbalance
• Weight gain
• Insomnia
• Aches and pains from inflammation
• Lower sex drive

Sustained high cortisol levels are dangerous because they:

• Slow down healing and normal cell regeneration.
• Co-opt parent molecules needed to make other vital hormones
• Impair digestion, metabolism and mental function
• Interfere with healthy endocrine function
• Weaken your immune system

There are apparently things I can do. They tell you and basically the same thing my doctor told me is what I have to do. 

• Avoid gluten — a protein that many women with adrenal imbalance may be sensitive to.
• Eat adequate protein at every meal — important for energy and stamina.
• Eat within an hour of waking — helps restore healthy blood sugar levels.
• Eat healthy fats.
• Eliminate all "white" food – refined sugar, flour, and grains, at least temporarily.

Now, I just have to get the blood work results and see what's really going on. But based on what I've read this is what fits all the problems I am experiencing.

Oh... and I have to avoid all the things I'm dealing with in my life...

Things that make demands on the adrenal glands:

• Lack of sleep
• Work stress
• Personality conflicts
• Yo-yo dieting
• Relationship turmoil
• Reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs
• Digestive problems
• Too much exercise
• Illness, infection or surgery
• Unresolved emotional issues
• Overwhelming responsibilities at home

Yeah, that's gonna be easy. I'd get me to a nunnery but I'm not Catholic. But a cabin in the mountains has always had an appeal. I used to tell Jerry that we'd retire to one. There'd be one road in and one road out and a couple of very bad dogs roaming the woods. The image is always in the back of my mind. 

I have to go now. Just had a dizzy spell and feel sick. I've been up since 7 a.m. and it is nearly 11 a.m. now. That's 4 hours. Right on target.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all those praying friends who have responded to my requests for prayer. I've made many this week. Despite all the medical knowledge in the world, I know where the only solution to any problem lies. When I can't help myself, I know He does. 

Skewed Plans

Ah... no lunch as planned. Bank got the docs early and I went in to sign them. Closing done and all debts consolidated. So... I can get laid off without fearing a total disaster... well, a much smaller one than previously anticipated anyway.

I have a good doctor. She's really good and thorough. I have to be at the lab before 8 tomorrow for blood work. She's checking me for Epstein-Barr, adrenal hormone levels, DHTC(?), and something else but etc, etc, etc. She thinks is is possible that the steroids they put me on may have led to this problem... whatever it is. Apparently, they can mess with your adrenal hormones and cause you system to go wonky. I'd say it is wonky. The ears.. didn't look quite right so maybe a sinus/allergy issue. 

So, I visit the vampires in the morning... before daylight, of course. 

She told me just because she didn't know what was wrong didn't mean something wasn't wrong. 

My doctor is wrapped very tightly but she has these flashes of humor that surprise me. I suspect outside the office she's very funny. I suspect the emotional distance may be just her way of  remaining professional. By the time I was done, I didn't feel I was going crazy and she gave me a website to check out to make me laugh. LOL, really.

It is a relief just to not feel I'm crazy or over reacting or causing this.

On an odd note... she talked about my last blood work... two test they do for the sedimentation rate in the blood to detect RA... they had different results. One positive  but not really high and the other was normal. I was surprised and asked her, What does that mean!"? She said, "Good question." She's not the doctor treating me for RA. However, if I lose my job she may very well be. But one was not very high and the other was normal? 

I'm home now... feeling lousy for the most part but at least I'll have fewer bills this month. And I have three more days off. 

Plethora of Miscellany

I'm home today. I took two vacation days off from work because I haven't got enough time to be sick. I'm still sick. But I did sleep until nearly 9 today. I'm going to lunch in a minute.

I'm considering job hunting. I need to call around some places first and see how that's going to hit me financially. It will be a huge drop in income. And benefits. I've got 5 weeks of vacation a year, 14 paid holidays, 2 personal days a year, and 2 weeks sick time per year. I will lose all that and take probably a 50% pay cut. Not to mention, a retirement plan that they pay 8% a year on. I really need this job but this job is a good chunk of the problem. And it is going to get worse with staff cuts.

Here's what we think is happening. We believe they are trying to force people out so they can restructure the jobs with less benefits, less pay, and fewer people. In a this kind of job, if all staff in one job leave, they can re-post those jobs for less money and benefits. Our agency is a high performer in with HUD. This means we're never late on our submissions to HUD. That's what you want to be. However, if you cut staff, your ability to stay at the high levels decreases exponentially. During a recent meeting with the ED, I specifically asked what happens if we're so short staffed we can't continue as a high performer. I pointed out with the promised cuts in staff, that would probably happen. The ED said, HUD would step in and administer the program. That means everyone in my department would be gone completely. HUD would come in, take over, at no cost to the agency, and then at some point, the agency could restructure the department and rehire at reduced administrative cost.

If you google corruption in federally assisted housing, you will find it is a highly abused program. Across the nation agencies are consistently misusing funds and those in charge are frequently the culprit.. This is to the determent of those receiving the assistance as well as the people employed. Having worked in the industry for 15 years, I can tell you, fraud is not that hard to detect if there are checks in place to flag it. But honestly, it is an easy system to manipulate if no one watches.  Here's a HUD report of how prevalent the problem is. http://www.coburn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=641349c1-4667-4c9b-9bf9-1ec5b52ccd5d

And past scandals abound: http://www.downsizinggovernment.org/hud/scandals

So, maybe it is time for me to consider something else. I would so miss the luxury of all that time off. I'd be working more for less. I don't know if I can do that. Not anymore.


I'm still having trouble with exhaustion, dizziness, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, ringing in my ears, and anxiety. I've been going to bed 9-9:30 nearly every night. I sleep. I'm better the first four hours of the morning and then I come crashing down. I may have a few hours in the afternoon when I feel o.k. but I generally get very sick in the afternoon.

This has been going on for a month now, progressively worse. This week... on Sunday I told the boys I felt like I was dying. They weren't happy with the assessment. I'm not thrilled either.

So, what to do. Nothing. If it is fibro, there's nothing they can do. It is RA, there's nothing they can do. I see my RA doctor in two weeks. I called my primary and they'll see me today at 2:15 but I'm suppose to go to the bank at 3:30 and close on my house! We'll see.

Did I mention I went to the Y with Dave on Tuesday night? I managed 30 minutes on a bike. I had leg cramps that night and the Wednesday. No, I didn't use resistance. I just got on and peddled at a leisurely pace while reading.

I am hoping to get my head clear enough to writing some over the weekend. I simply don't know. It has been such a nightmare for weeks trying to do anything.

Now for lunch. I should have time to go grab a salad before my doctor's appointment around 2. I can sit and read for a bit maybe. I'm already feeling tired and I've done nothing.

Drowning

I'm living some kind of nightmare. Really. I am so sick and I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel as if I've been forced march through hell. I'm tired, more tired than I can ever remember being. I walk from one end of the building to the other and have to sit down when I get back to my office and can barely think straight. I can't concentrate at all.  I have no idea what is causing it.

No, I haven't  been to the doctor. They were both on spring break. No, I did not consider the ER. My ER copay is $100 plus 10% of the bill. Do you know what the ER is costing these days? About $15,000. Ain't happenin'.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. The night before at 10:30. Tonight... soon.Nothing I do seems to help. And it comes on in waves. I seem fine when suddenly I'm hit with this wave of total ... exhaustion doesn't begin to describe it. I've had dizziness. My neck hurts. My head hurts now and then, but it usually does when I have neck pain. I just want to lie down and my stress level from all this is making me an emotional wreck.

 I have a doctor's appt in two weeks but I'm not sure it will matter. They never find anything they can do. And I get tired of going to hear the same thing.

I'm drowning in this.

Finished Projects

I finished Sarah's crocheted dress today. It has taken me about three months and I'm so glad to be done with it. I can't wait to see how it fits. I'm a bit nervous. Never made one of these and didn't have an actual pattern for it. I found an easy pullover sweater that was all one piece and decided I could do something similar as a dress. So, I did, with some modifications. And if I do another one, I'll make some additional changes. But all things considered, I'm pleased with my efforts. This dress is made with Caron Simply Soft, color: Tapestry. It is a lighter weight and feels more like a cotton yarn, although is says acrylic. 

 I even added a decorative border at the bottom, actually I started at the bottom of the dress. It is made in the round until you get to the sleeves. I found it was going to be too wide for her and tapered in as I moved up and this gives it a slight flare at the bottom. Not sure that will work but I wasn't about to start over. I actually like it and it won't be so tight around her legs. She's a leggy things anyway.


The second project finished is a sweater I made. I did use a patter from Red Heart for this one. I received two jumbo skeins of red yarn from Sarah for Christmas with instructions to make her something red. Ergo, a red sweater. It lacks only the buttons. 

I'll post photos of her wearing them as soon as I can. I think she'll be able to wear these for another month. I've learned that I should probably make sweaters in the summer. I do think she'll be able to wear them both next fall but still, would have been nice to finish earlier.

A Fractured Fairy Tale

Short Post for a Long Day

The end of another day of bone weary exhaustion. I thought, around 7 p.m. last night that today I might feel better. I had about three hours where I suddenly felt really good. I did some laundry and then watched a movie with Dave and Sarah. I went to bed and today, I managed to go out for about three hours with Sarah. By the time I got home, I was as tired as if I'd run a marathon. I simply sat down the rest of the day and watched movies with David.

At the moment, it is raining here. Tomorrow is Easter and I'd like to be able to go to church and not feel as if I need to lie down on the pew.

I'm making this short. Thank you all for comments, notes, and emails. Prayers are much appreciated also.

Powder Room Epiphanies

I was in the bathroom.... hold on... everyone does this. It isn't some shrine or weird place of punishment, unless you follow certain people. Anyway, while I was there it suddenly occurred to me that my life has been divided into a strange set of sequences that has been punctuated by some pretty awful things. I'll give you the synopsis cause by now I know you're indecently curious.

First phase began with my birth and went from 1956 until 1974. I was 17. This phase ended in death. My life totally shifted to another level and place. I don't think it ever occurred to me how radical that was until today. I mean, it was terrible but I never really saw it in this light before. I went from being a young girl in her late teens to a wife in her late teens dealing with the death of her parent and learning how to live with a person I'd known only weeks. No girl should have to be without her mother, particularly on the day she marries, or has her first child five years later. The shift was so profound that years later whenever I miss Mama I'm nearly inconsolable. I'm devastated all over again.

The second phase of my life was from my marriage 1974 until 2009 and culminated, again, in death. My husband suffered a violent heart attack and died as I tried to save him. This wasn't just a shift from one phase to another. This was a violent blow that simply slammed me into a whole other reality without any warning or time to prepare. I still suffer from post traumatic stress.

I thought Mama dying in a clinical setting of a hospital when I wasn't there was horrible. She wasn't coming home and I didn't get to say good-by. I'm left with an image of her unable get up, write, or to speak except with her eyes and being fed through a tube. At 17 this is horrible. And yet, I have to say that my second contact with death was worse than any nightmare I've ever experienced. Being wakened from a sound sleep to your husband thrashing and having him breathe his last breath in your face is an image you won't shake quickly, if ever.

So, in my tiny powder room, I realized that I'm well into the third phase of my life and if it follows the pattern, this won't end well. This is not a happy thought but let's be practical. And truthful. Looking at the pattern and knowing what I know, this is the reality of it. The ultimate end to all things is death.

Where does this leave me? Probably right where I was before. Sitting in the bathroom having my eyes opened to things I'd rather not think about. And getting a fairly clear revelation as to why I struggle with depression fairly regularly. If the high points of your life always end in violence, and believe me, my experience of death is not warm and fuzzy, but if they always end in this manner you're going to be dealing with gremlins regularly.

So, I need to stop beating myself up about feeling this way too much. I've been feeling guilty about feeling bad. It isn't like I've had what the average consumer would term a normal life. The stories I could tell, and probably will some day, are not pretty. Living with an alcoholic was not fun. And still, I was a good kid who never did drugs or smoked or drank or partied. I was a good mom, faithful wife, and caring sister. I wasn't perfect but despite the awful things I've seen and the mistakes I made, I've turned out o.k. I need to stop saying, "Get over it."

The key now I think is try to make this next phase, presumably the final one, last as long as possible and hope that it contains more joy than the two previous ones. For now, at least, it doesn't.

What do you do for the third act?

Just One Touch

Hi....

Why I'm still up is simply beyond my comprehension. I'm so tired. You know how tired I get sometimes. For most of the evening I've been reading blogs and other stuff. I sat and watched .... some show on my computer... I think I only watched one but at the moment, I'm not sure. Then I got up to shut the system down, only to check email and posts one more time... cause we all do that.

Anyway, I just clicked on my Timeline and there you were, smiling out at me, those wonderful blue eyes sparkling just for me. I remember that moment clear as a day. I could read your mind just by looking at your face. It was all there. I remembered. And then, in one blinding flash my whole being screamed with one phrase... I just want touch you. You hands, your arms, you face. Just to put my hands on your cheeks and feel your warm skin and to breath in the scent of you. The sound of that silent scream washed over me like a raging torrent and I was blinded by waves of tears and I gasped for breath with muffled sobs. I buried my face in my hands because I could not bear the flood.

I know...melodramatic. I always was, wasn't I. I'm not so much anymore, except about you. I suppose I should be embarrassed, even though you'd say not.

But you still take my breath away. Every time I see you, I simply can't breath. There is this place between breathing in and breathing out where everything seems to catch. Sometimes, I'm afraid I won't be able start breathing again.  I wonder sometimes... no, I wish that you knew it, before... and now... that you do that to me.

I don't know if you ever knew it.

I only know that I just want to touch you for one moment, one more time.

Long Journey Through a Short Week.

Never was a Thursday so welcome as this one. I am off until Monday. I plan to sleep late tomorrow and then I hope that I have the energy to do some things around the house. I have several things that need doing.

As I suspected, I have a cold. Could be a bit of allergy along with it. I've been coughing up stuff, sneezing up stuff, and my head is stuffy. When that happens, I have dizzy spells. Around and around we go. It never ends, does it.

I want to do some writing. I'm planning to limit my online presence this weekend. We'll have Sarah for three days and with her here and my trying to do constructive things at the same time, it won't leave much of me left to do anything.

There is a streak of vanity in me. I love pretty shoes and wearing heels. I love basic black and that I look good in it. And I find that I like watching my stats click along. I'm about to go over 25,000. I used to not even notice it because ... well it seldom moved. These days it is moving at a fast clip. I've posted about this phenom before. Most are coming from G+ and I've had more new people commenting. I love it when people comment. Means I didn't waste my time. Of course I don't view  my blog as a waste of time. I do it for me and if someone else finds something to like about it, great. Yet, it is a very seductive to watch those stats. They kind of make you hope for more.

It was an insane day at work and I'm exhausted. The  pills have helped ease some of my stress and I hope I won't need them for long. I just wish I could get past the tiredness. I need to do stuff!

Mike is coming over this weekend end and I'm going to try and put up some of the cabinets. I need them and I'm tied of waiting for the "right" time. It is now. I'll take photos. Those of you who have been with me for years will remember other posts of my home improvement jobs and their interesting outcomes. We usually have success but it is a circuitous route to get there.

May you all have a blessed Easter. Remember the reason is not a warm fuzzy bunny but a Savior who loved you enough to give his life for you. Even at your worst, you matter to Him.