Powder Room Epiphanies

I was in the bathroom.... hold on... everyone does this. It isn't some shrine or weird place of punishment, unless you follow certain people. Anyway, while I was there it suddenly occurred to me that my life has been divided into a strange set of sequences that has been punctuated by some pretty awful things. I'll give you the synopsis cause by now I know you're indecently curious.

First phase began with my birth and went from 1956 until 1974. I was 17. This phase ended in death. My life totally shifted to another level and place. I don't think it ever occurred to me how radical that was until today. I mean, it was terrible but I never really saw it in this light before. I went from being a young girl in her late teens to a wife in her late teens dealing with the death of her parent and learning how to live with a person I'd known only weeks. No girl should have to be without her mother, particularly on the day she marries, or has her first child five years later. The shift was so profound that years later whenever I miss Mama I'm nearly inconsolable. I'm devastated all over again.

The second phase of my life was from my marriage 1974 until 2009 and culminated, again, in death. My husband suffered a violent heart attack and died as I tried to save him. This wasn't just a shift from one phase to another. This was a violent blow that simply slammed me into a whole other reality without any warning or time to prepare. I still suffer from post traumatic stress.

I thought Mama dying in a clinical setting of a hospital when I wasn't there was horrible. She wasn't coming home and I didn't get to say good-by. I'm left with an image of her unable get up, write, or to speak except with her eyes and being fed through a tube. At 17 this is horrible. And yet, I have to say that my second contact with death was worse than any nightmare I've ever experienced. Being wakened from a sound sleep to your husband thrashing and having him breathe his last breath in your face is an image you won't shake quickly, if ever.

So, in my tiny powder room, I realized that I'm well into the third phase of my life and if it follows the pattern, this won't end well. This is not a happy thought but let's be practical. And truthful. Looking at the pattern and knowing what I know, this is the reality of it. The ultimate end to all things is death.

Where does this leave me? Probably right where I was before. Sitting in the bathroom having my eyes opened to things I'd rather not think about. And getting a fairly clear revelation as to why I struggle with depression fairly regularly. If the high points of your life always end in violence, and believe me, my experience of death is not warm and fuzzy, but if they always end in this manner you're going to be dealing with gremlins regularly.

So, I need to stop beating myself up about feeling this way too much. I've been feeling guilty about feeling bad. It isn't like I've had what the average consumer would term a normal life. The stories I could tell, and probably will some day, are not pretty. Living with an alcoholic was not fun. And still, I was a good kid who never did drugs or smoked or drank or partied. I was a good mom, faithful wife, and caring sister. I wasn't perfect but despite the awful things I've seen and the mistakes I made, I've turned out o.k. I need to stop saying, "Get over it."

The key now I think is try to make this next phase, presumably the final one, last as long as possible and hope that it contains more joy than the two previous ones. For now, at least, it doesn't.

What do you do for the third act?

Meandering Saturday

Yes, it has been a while. I am sitting in my living room with a turban on my head and telling myself I need to get up and get moving. I've had coffee and a breakfast of sorts. I had a hard time waking up this morning. I mean I simply could not get roused. I kept hitting the snooze button for about half an hour. I finally decided I needed a shower to get me going. So, I showered and washed my hair and . . . well, here I am. I still feel tired but I'm vertical... sort of.

It has been a busy few months. Work, I think I mentioned, has been a killer of all things fun. I did get a new sidewalk, thanks to help from my children. We had a lot of fun doing it. There was a vacation and holiday in there somewhere. I vaguely remember them. I need another one but I'm waiting until my finances recover from all this spending.

I've been writing a bit on a couple of things but nothing earth shaking and certainly not on my Primary Project as I am supposed to do under the terms of my WRoE challenge to myself. Nuts. Must rethink my rules, I think. If they are too hard for me to follow (they aren't really I'm just making the usual excuses) then I may need to reevaluate them.

Today my house is clean and there is no yard work that I must do, although there is some I'd like to do. I've found I like it better if someone is here doing it with me. It seems more fun. Jerry and I used to work outside together and we liked it. He got to the place he could barely cut the grass and we just gave up on the yard. He'd be thrilled at how things look now. He wanted it to look like this.

I really have been absent from here, at least posting stuff. I do come an read up and I posted things I was watching and reading. Just none of my original content that I know is thrilling. I'm sure you all were bereft by my absence.

Not.

I plan on getting the accounts in order this morning but I think I want the afternoon to myself. I need some decompression time I think.

This is rather short and pointless, I'm afraid. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have no profound wisdom or rant to share. I've made blogging a daily habit for years now and suddenly, I am without anything to say.

Surely I can't have said it all!