Quiet End to a Busy Day

I went out after noon to lunch at El Charro's. I invited Mike because he love the place and doesn't get to go much. When we were done I took him home and I went shopping.

I love Big Lots. They had this great sale going one. I bought sheets! Two sets for me and one for Mike. These were 400 thread counts sheets. I got Mike's full size set for $20! I was stunned. You don't get 400 thread count for that anywhere. I got the Queen sized ones for $29! Yeah!

Then I found some pretty curtains, at last, for Sarah's room. They were so pretty. Only drawback was I bought the wrong size rod! I am so annoyed. I have to get a longer one. I also bought a cute little thing to hand necklaces on with two wall items with hooks. Just girly stuff. Two weeks ago I bought pictures and a pretty clock. Her room is getting so cute.

I didn't really buy anything else for me but I like buying for other people so it was fun. I don't like shopping but today I felt really good. The day was beautiful if very cold and getting out in the sunshine was nice. I'm in pain as usual. Really bad most of the week but I just can't let it rule me or I'll be a zombie. I'll have a crash day before long but until then I'll try and enjoy what I can.

I've been reading blogs and G+. I really like G+. The stuff posted is a lot more ... sorry... intellectual? It isn't whiney, my world sucks, I hate her/him/them, been to the club, going to party, yada yada yada. You know what FB is.... juvenile drivel? I really kind of want to drop FB but now my writing buddies have sort of started a group and honestly, FB is good for groups to form. But G+ hangout is really amazing for bringing together people, in person, from long distances. The potential, as far as I'm concerned is limitless.

Ok, enough of this. I've got things to do. I'm really focusing on crochet this week. I need to get Sarah a shrug done in the next two weeks. So, writing is not getting done at the moment. Yes, I'm procrastinating. I admit it. I haven't felt very muck like sitting and trying to write. That's the truth.When things hurt so much I don't concentrate to well.

I'm off for now. Have a good weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to church. I do hope for another sunny day. They lift my mood enormously.

Solitary Saturday

I've paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. It is such a chore and I wish with all my heart I didn't have to do it. For decades Jerry and I had issues with this. When I managed it we did well. When he managed it, we didn't. Eventually, it became my job. And I learned to despise it. And now, there is no one I can hand it off too, even were I of a mind to do so. But I don't want other people managing my money.

Now that it is done, I have to think about food. I feel Mexican I think. Ariba!

I'm trying something new. I'm posting FROM Blogger to Multiply. I haven't done it that way before but if it works, I may continue. You see, from work I can't access Multiply but I can Blogger. And sometimes, I want to post something and I have to go to my email and sent one to Multiply and one to Blogger. So much easier if I can just send one! And... if by chance I can send one email to Blogger and have it post to Multiply... all the better. Means I'll only be going to Multiply to read the blogs.

I've not been posting much anyway. Lately, I just don't have anything to say. Very sad to think I only blog when live is in a turmoil. Must be the only time things are interesting. I'm truly frustrated about all this money I've had to spend this week with the gas line but it must be done. I also told them to just fix my microwave. It is going to cost $100 total. They had a bench charge of $25 to see what was wrong with it and that will be applied to the bill, so I'll only owe $75. Yes, I know I could have bought a new one for that but probably as nice as mine. I like my microwave and if I get another three years out of it, well, it will be a bargain.

The plumber told me not to buy a new water heater until this one just stops. I told him it was here when I move here and was only a year or so old then. He asked me when I bought the house and when I told him he looked at me and said, "Don't change that out. If you've got 22 years out of a water heater it's a good one." So, thank goodness for that.

I have been crocheting a bit, trying to make Sarah a little shrug for the spring. She has some nice summer dresses but she gets cold some times when she goes to church or other places. So, this should help. We'll see how it goes.

Not much writing done. I've had a lot of really bad pain in my leg and hip and I've had to be in positions that were not conducive to writing. Monday night my Writer's Rules of Engagement writing group will do another Hangout on G+. This is such an awesome feature and I really love it. You can have 10 friends online, on webcams all at one time! Amazing! We had four of us last Monday and we had a blast. I got to "meet" two recent friends from NaNo and of course, my long time friend, Kat was there, too. I think we all enjoyed it and everyone was so excited. We hope that Grammy and Chris can join in this coming Monday. We've got a tentative topic to talk about and some plans on how we'll do this. So, I'm really looking forward to it.

All right. I'm off now to get some things done. Hope you are all having a lovely weekend.

Life after Death

I am always astounded when I hear these stories from the people that experience them. Awesome witness.

It's All About Priorities

Lots of things to think about today. I am home from work spending money. Yes. I had a gas leak this past weekend. It was in the line that goes from my meter to my den where I have a small gas heater. There is no central heat in that room and it gets bitter cold. The heater hasn't worked for some time, since at least since Jerry died. I've had it repaired several times. I had planned to get a new heater this year but that'll have to wait now. They shut the gas off to that line.

I also have to have the gas company replace the gas meter. They found when they came out that it isn't registering my usage. Now, I'm actually fine with that but they apparently want to keep track of this sort of thing. So I have to have them change it.

The problem is they would not disconnect the leaking line because they didn't install it. It isn't up to code. Of course, it was there when I bought my house. To remove said line requires that you turn off the gas, use a wrench to disconnect the line. That's it. Nothing more. But no, I had to hire a licensed plumber to do this.

As you know, plumbers aren't cheap. To at least save a double service call (removing the line and after the new meter was installed, coming back to install a new gas line to the den) I decided to have them do that all at once. Vectren can worry about how to get the meter out after the new line is done.

However, this very simple job is going to cost between $300 & $500. Yes. That's right. To just disconnect the line and install a new pipeline from beneath the house to the den, about 20 feet of pipe and fitting and two men cost that much. They do have to go under the house to do it.

So, in light of that little expense, there is now no money to actually buy a heater to use the new line. I still won't have heat in the den.

On top of that my microwave went out. It is costing $25 to have it checked to see if it can be repaired. Someone told me to just go buy a new microwave. I have a very nice microwave I bought probably 5 or 6 years ago. It cost around $200. It does all kinds of stuff. I like it. To buy a new one with similar features will probably cost only slightly less but if I can get it fixed for less why not? Problem is if it can't be fixed there is the question as to whether I can afford to buy a new one on top of the pipe expense. They just called and said it would cost $100 to repair it. Do I buy a new one or fix the old one? Choices.... it is a nice microwave. Could last another 5 years. I like it.

If you factor in that this past fall I had to replace the central unit to the tune of $3000... and that was the least expensive unit they have for my size home. The one I wanted was double that. Well, you can see my expenses have exploded. I didn't have the money to pay for it, I had to charge it and I truly hate using a credit card. But heat in the house was a priority.

I can live with out a heater in the den another year I suppose. I just can't use that room in the hardest part of the winter. Winter is nearly over I think. I can probably survive without a microwave for a while. It isn't a huge catastrophe. It means I have to cook on the stove, in the oven, use more energy, and take more time. I will have to defrost the old fashioned way. I have to heat a drink on the stove in a pot. So, it simply means more work for me. Since I have virtually no life... it shouldn't be a problem.

I had plans to take a small vacation in a few months to somewhere quiet, warm, sandy and sunny. Nothing expensive, just a break from the stress. I want to go to England but that requires a bit more planning and a lot more money. Gas prices just shot up over $4 here and that means travel will be extremely circumscribed for Americans. The economy is already in the tank. . . um. . . no pun intended, just truth. So, in light of heaters, gas lines, microwaves and gas prices my finances are in a not so good place.

I suppose it is ultimately all about priorities - what comes first. In my job I see people who feel they must have the best of everything . . . as long as someone else pays. It doesn't work that way for those of us who live in the real world. We have to pay our own way. And sometimes we have to settle for less than we think we're worth.

When Jerry died, I turned off the cable and started keeping lights off all over the house. Those are things I can live without. Once in awhile I think about getting cable turned back on. The cable company says they can give me a great deal in a bundle. It still cost more. But why? I can read, write, and crochet. My solution was to buy myself a Kindle for Christmas. I have over 80 FREE books on that thing! I'm loving it. I have the library and second hand stores and friends who give me books. Why would I pay for cable? I'm actually working on my novel at last, with some success.

I have learned that some things just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Saving money is what Jerry and I struggled to do for 35 years. We had finally got a handle on it when he died. The hardest lessons are often mastered too late. I use what I've learned to keep me afloat.

What I've learned is no one needs as much as they think they do. You really don't need an iPhone, computer, internet, cable t.v., expensive cars, and expensive phone service to be live. The really don't matter. And you can get by with no phone, no microwave, no television, and no video games. Really. If you can afford them, fine. Although, if you buy such toys but can't pay your necessary bills, provide for a medical emergency, or some other emergency, don't complain about your money problems to me. I'm having to pay my own way and I don't have all those toys.

When my car was wrecked last year I was upset. But reality is a car is such a necessity. I bought a used one. A good used one but still used. Priorities. If it happened again, I'd probably get an even cheaper one.

Today, I'm reconsidering turning off my land line. I have a pay as you go cell phone. For less than the cost of that land line I could probably upgrade the phone service and get unlimited minutes every month for $45. Straight Talk offers great deals and I see no reason on anything else. I'm still using the now extinct phone they offered, their cheapest one! I could give up the cell and keep the landline but my family would have a cow. I am alone, you see, and if something happens when I'm away from a phone that is my lifeline to them. So, I'll keep the cell. But the land line is probably on it's way out.

I'm going back to sewing if it warms enough to get in the den. I can make clothes you see. I have tons of fabric I need to use. There are lot of ways I can cut spending. Priorities.

Life requires a lot less to survive that we think.  So, I'll get the gas line fixed and the rest of it will have to get in line.

I was talking to a friend last night about buying things. I was a used furniture junkie. I loved buying used furniture and refinishing it until about 10 years ago. I can't do the heavy work now. Why buy a new piece if you can find a quality used piece for less and with some stripper, stain or paint, and polyurethane make it brand new? I did it a lot. Beds, chairs, tables. And they were generally better quality because they weren't pressed or chipboard. However, there were certain things I didn't scrimp on. My dinning table was one. I bought a brand new, unfinished, solid oak table in early 1989. I put the finish on it myself. I still have it, rather my daughter-in-law does. My youngest, her husband, was 4. That table will be around when my granddaughter is a grown woman if it is cared for the way I have cared for it. It cost me $700 new. If you bought it today, it would cost more and if you bought mine, you'd pay every bit of that. Because the value is no longer just in the wood. The ladder back chairs everyone complains about... they don't wobble. You can sit on them, stand on them, and tilt them back against the wall (which I hate) and they have never given an inch. I have that has a broken ladder... one of the boys caused that. They stand as study as they were when I bought them... for $35 each. I thought it was a lot then.

I was fortunate enough to get the house refinanced and lowered my house payment by half. I though this would give me the extra cash I need to pay off that central unit and in the long term, my car. Retirement is only about 6 years away. If God blesses me with long life I might get to enjoy some of it. I saw the refinance as a safeguard against a lost job. If I don't lose my job the money could be used to insure I didn't have huge debt at retirement. That's not working out so well, as you can see.

Ultimately, I'm not an extravagant person. I don't care if anyone is impressed by my home, my car, my clothes, or my intelligence. It doesn't concern me. It is about all about priorities for me. I wish someone had told me all this stuff when I was 25. Still, it is never too late if you're still above ground. My advice: Scrimp on the unimportant stuff. Spend on the things you want to last. It makes a difference in the long run.

An Attitude of Gratitude

I've been reflecting on how thankful I am. I do that once in awhile and this week it has been borne in on me how very vital it is to live your life with a sense of gratitude, no matter how bad it gets. It is really difficult.

Even before Jerry died I had decided I wanted to be more thankful and to try and keep that attitude of gratitude, even in bad times. Things were very bad back then. For years we'd been struggling with money problems, lost jobs, and his steadily growing illness. He was losing money and couldn't remember where it went. By the time we realized he was giving it away, we were overdrawn three months to the tune of $3000. Our children were having terrible problems with jobs and marriages. And I had become sick from the stresses of my job and dealing with crisis after crisis at home. Gratitude is not easy in these situations. It is nearly impossible.

I'm not the nicest person in the world and when things get bad, I get nasty. I complain, whine, moan, groan, and rant. I get angry. I get angry at the situation, at the circumstances that created it, at the people around me who don't seem to think it is a big deal, at the people who I perceive as causing the problem, at me for being in the mess, and at God for not fixing it "right this second". Mostly, I get mad at me for behaving like an ungrateful idiot. I hate me when I'm in a pickle.

It took years and my husband's illness and actual death for me to realize what I was doing wrong. It is probably the worst tragedy of his death. I learned too late to make a difference in our life together. Only now do I make a concerted effort to put into practice an attitude of gratitude. It really isn't easy.

I learned that how I approach my problems determines how it affects me. How I approach a problem doesn't fix the problem. It fixes me. And I'm the one who needs the help. I can run up on the problem, jump on it and flail around screaming and crying about it, and trying to pound it into a bloody pulp. When I'm exhausted by my actions, I will collapse in a sobbing heap. The problem will be sitting right where I left it, unmarred, unchanged, and just as large as when I began my tirade.

So, I decided one day to approach my problems differently. You see, I have rheumatoid and osteoarthritis. I have fibromyalgia. My sleep is affected and I never sleep more than six hours. I suffer from pain constantly, particularly in my neck and shoulders and down my right leg. There is nothing they can do for me and I refuse narcotic pain medicine. I hurt so bad I can hardly get up in the mornings. I sit up and the first thing I say is, "Thank you, God for letting me have another day of life." I get dressed in pain. I can't turn my head in any direction without pain. It takes hours for it to abate, if it abates, enough to allow me to work. It hurts to raise my arm and hold my head in certain angles while combing my hair, brushing my teeth or simply trying to look into my eye to get an eyelash out. So, I no longer put my hair up except for extremely special events. I lost so much hair when Jerry died that it became hard to do anything with anyway. So I comb my hair and say, "Thank you for my hair that has grown back. Please make it all grow back."

Many mornings I've spent crying because I am hurting so bad and I simply don't want to go to work. Even before Jerry died I'd cry all the way to work. I don't want to deal with the insanity of my job - the politics, the back stabbing and sniping. I don't want to work. But there is no choice for me, no one to support me or care for me. I can't live on a $700 a month disability check that I'd get if I could even get it. So, I drive the 15 minute trip saying, "Thank you for my job. Bless my boss and my coworkers. Let me spread peace in my workplace. Help me to do a good job and to spread peace to my clients. Let peace follow in my wake."

I work through the day usually in pain. I'm on the phone a lot and holding a phone for more than a few minutes can become agony. I use the speaker as much as possible. All my phones have a speaker feature and I use them. I make as few calls as possible because even with the speaker, my neck becomes terribly painful. If I'm really stressed and can't take anymore I go to the private restroom or the archive file room or I close my office door. I sit down and say "Thank you for this job and letting me be able to take care of myself."

When I get home I'm exhausted and pain escalates when I'm tired. I have to get the hottest shower I can in order to help the pain in my neck and shoulder and leg. I spend several minutes in my shower under the hottest water I can stand and I say, very loudly, "Thank you God for hot water." Yes, seriously. I say it over and over and over because without that hot water, I wouldn't get through the night.

I do all of this virtually every day. And you know what? Not one single thing is better! Nothing. My life has not changed one little bit by any of this. I still hurt. I still have mobility problems. I still find days I really hate going to work. I get stressed by the job. I'm still exhausted. My husband is still dead and I'm more alone than I have ever been. Nothing has changed. Except me.

Over time I realized that I am so thankful for God and His provision, despite my miserable days and more miserable nights when I don't sleep. I'm so very thankful for life, for another stinking pain-filled day. I still find moments when I complain and when the pity party attacks me full force. I scream at the ceiling that it was unfair for God to allow all this to befall me. I couldn't have possibly done anything so bad as to deserve all this. Why, I deserved better! There was a time I knew nothing else but my misery.

Now, I'm aware of how I sound and I hate it. I'm reminded of all that has happened and just how much worse it could be. I'm horrified at my stupidity and seared by my ingratitude. I'm ashamed and all I can do is cry out to God. "Lord, I'm sorry. I am so thankful for everything you have done for me. I don't deserve any of it but I am so very thankful for it."

Most of us aren't very grateful or thankful when times are hard. But really, that's when we have to be the most thankful. To live a life of ingratitude is such a waste of time, for both God and the ingrate. I don't care how bad it seems, I learned the hard way that it can get worse. Despite what you think your world can be shaken, turned upside down, and poured out like an insane puzzle whose pieces are all the same color. It takes years to put it back together. If you spend that time complaining all the time with no time for gratitude, you will only become smaller, meaner, and more selfish. . . and so very miserable. You will never be able to escape because your attitude will anchor you to the same spot forever.

The reality is that no matter how dark it has been or becomes all that He has done far outweighs the bad. God has been good no matter how rotten life has been.

I'm so very, very thankful for the grace and mercy of God.

There was a Time.....

Once...

Odds & Ends

Thursday at last! My cleaning genie will be at my house tomorrow and it is amazing how exciting that is. I won't have to spend Saturday cleaning. Yay!

It is a gloomy day and I'm am having trouble walking. Right leg is giving me fits. My right foot and hip hurt. My left shoulder is still painful and my neck, too. I think the neck is worse because I've spent the last two nights working on my sister's laptop. 

She had a mess going on with that thing. Several viruses, PUPs, trojans. One thing had 91 entries. I did all my magic and thought I had it all good to go. The problems were so bad that it forced me to run the scans outside of windows on a restart.. that's rare for me to have to do that... like once or twice that I even remember. Still, I thought it was getting the stuff out. Nope. Once the scan finished, every thing simply stopped working. No sound, impossible to adjust any settings, and NO system restore ability. I had to shut down and start up in "safe mode with networking" so I could actually fix it. 

Bottom line, I had to restore to factory settings. It reformatted and re-installed her OS and I spent the rest of the evening re-installing the software she had on it. I think I'm done now except for all the updates. I left that going when I went to bed and finished up some before work this morning. I'll check one more time but then she can come get it. 

I am hoping I can go home tonight and relax. I like working on computers but my neck is very unhappy with it. There is simply no work around the neck issue. Straight ahead is all I can do for any length of time. Looking in any other direction for more than a few minutes is not good.

Not much writing to speak of this week. I did try a bit last night but I'm in a place that simply is not meshing for me. I think I need to move some stuff around, rewrite a few sections to make it flow and to move some important information farther into the story. I've got it too near the beginning. I have been thinking that for a while but the more I do the more I realize it. So, that will take some doing.

It is late afternoon now and the sky is still overcast but it is nearly 50F. Not warm but certainly not cold. Very odd weather for February. I remember the year Jerry died it was so horribly cold. The ice storm that January 28th put down so much ice and snow and it lasted for a couple of months because it was bitter cold. 

The afternoon is moving along so I'm going to stop now. I have several things to get done before 5 p.m. 

My Valentine's Day Gift

My children bought me flowers and a box of candy for Valentine's Day. They are so pretty. It is a day that is particularly hard for widows. Think about it. Everyone around you is getting flowers and candy from their sweethearts and here you are in an office full of flowers with nothing. My daughter-in-law brought me mine just before I got off yesterday so I was the first to get flowers.

A Quick Catch Up

Another week begins and it is C-O-L-D! I am sitting in my office freezing. Yes, we have heat but for some reason the hallways won't get warm. And every time someone goes in or out of the building, it sucks what little warm are we have out. I have my door closed and my small electric heater going but it seems like it isn't doing very well.


I went to lunch with Mike and Becca. David had to work. Mike is hauling Becca around to get some things done. Becca doesn't have a driver's licenses and so she has no way to get around if Dave is working. I let Mike use the car so he could they could take Sarah to school and Becca to the Federal building to take care of some paperwork there. Those two ADHA people on my car..... yikes. I'm glad they get along well or I'd really be concerned for the car. Becca makes Mike slow down and pay attention. 


Yesterday, I had a bit of a rough day. The weather is not helping me at all and I got a bit depressed during church. I can't really prevent bad memories from coming out of nowhere and once they've surfaced, I can't send them away. So I was down the rest of the day. My head began hurting before lunch and grew worse as the day wore own but it wasn't unbearable and by bedtime it was better. 


This morning, I needed more sleep, even though I thought I'd had enough. I think I was just sleeping so well that I didn't want to get up.  


I'm very frustrated by not getting any writing done at all this weekend. I wanted to and kept thinking "I'll feel better in a bit" but I didn't. So I sat in a chair and watched t.v. shows. I didn't even crochet. My neck just hurt all day Saturday and as the cold seemed to get worse so did the joint pain. I did go out late Saturday afternoon to take Mike shopping and look for some items I wanted. 


Tonight, I'm going to try and do a bit of writing but I also want to see if the hangout idea works in G+. Need to send invites to my WRoE circle. If you gals are reading this, be around at 7:30 p.m. CENTRAL, logged into G+. We'll see how it flys. That's 8:30 eastern and 6:30 MTN, 5:30 Western time. This will just be a dry run, so to speak.


All right, must get back to work now.

Misery and Bitter Cold

It is 18 degrees and the wind has been insane all night. That low pressure we had was pushed out by a high pressure system the sun is shinning finally but no way am I getting out in that!

As a result in the shifting pressures, Friday night's editing plans went down the tube. The weather turned vicious... to me anyway. By 9 p.m. I was hurting nearly everywhere and my neck and shoulders were the worst. I found a chair I could sit in in the living room and I managed to get a position that wasn't too bad but I couldn't believe how much I was hurting in so short a time! And there was nothing to take that late. The generic tylenol only last 8 hours. I'd have woken in the middle of the night in pain.

I am going to take it this morning, however. I'm hoping, as the high settles down that I will get better. I went to bed I think around 11. All I did was read. I'm up this morning at 10 and in about half an hour I'll pay bills then I hope I can start on the real work.

Where Is the Sun?

One of my favorite songs is Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles. It isn't here. It is 9 a.m. and it looks like 6 p.m. on a winter day. I saw flurries briefly a few blocks from work. 

I slept late all week. I got up every day at 7:30! Yes. And I was on time for work every day. Think about it. No hair to fix, well, I have hair but just run a comb or brush through it. I don't wear makeup. I ate fruit every day, which I brought with me. I simply got up, made a cup of coffee, drank it while I dressed, and left for work. I'm 10 minutes from my job. And I feel better with that extra hour sleep. 

Yes, yes, I know. I could go to bed an hour early. That would be at 10 p.m. I haven't got there yet. I will. But for now, this works. As far as I am concerned...why spend all that time on stuff that no one cares about anyway. There's no one to impress.

I managed to do about four or five crocheted squares in the last few days. I am going to spend the weekend editing. First.. a comfortable seat. I have to get comfortable. I've fought with my neck for days and it is definitely the way I'm having to sit. The computer is too high and I don't have a good seat. So, I have to rearrange some things. I have no idea what to do. That spare room is so cozy and warm. 

I am not home from work. I was unable to finish this post this morning. The day got no better. We had a bit heavier flurries that turned to a very cold rain. It is still too warm for snow, which is just wonderful as far as I am concerned. 

I'm in the kitchen. My sister has my desk in the spare room and is filling out applications. She doesn't have internet at her place. I am getting read to get a hot shower and I hope have a nice quiet evening at home cozied up with a hot bowl of soup and my novel. I have to write this weekend. Must put in at least six hours in the next three days. 

I'll be around I suspect.

Down Hill to Saturday

I have sort of frittered the week away. Well, maybe not so much. I've done crochet for three nights rather than edit. I needed a mental break and my neck was killing me. I'm going to have to reassess my writing location. 

So.. where does that leave me? The kitchen is just too cold and the chairs are not comfortable either. My living room chair, comfortable at first, for some unfathomable reason, now is not. I think it is the portable table I'm using there that is the trouble. I like the spare room. The desk in the spare room is just too high and I don't have time at the moment to do what needs to be done. Yes, I know what to do, I just don't have time to build a lower frame. That will wait until it is warmer. It is also too crowded at this point to be feasible. 

I can move it to the office where the desktop is located but I've avoided that because the wall needs finishing and I don't want to have to keep hauling stuff in and out. Better to leave it empty. When it gets warm enough to open windows I shall finish it. 

I got my performance evaluation yesterday. I was quite impressed with me! It was a stellar evaluation. I actually feel like someone thinks I'm good at what I do and that I do a whole lot. The boss ask us to write our responses on the back of the sheet but I wasn't about to screw that up. Now, there were a couple of areas I need to improve but overall, I'm good.

I feel... very odd. Yes, I know that sounds strange. But it is true. I've said before that ever since Bro Gary Ashcraft came to our church and prayed for me I've been better mentally. I have, tremendously so. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you'll know this. I still have terrible problems with RA pain. But that's not what he prayed for.. I don't think. When he was about to pray for me he actually told people I had Fibromyalgia and that that disease usually resulted when the central nervous system had more than it could handle. Experiencing the disease and reading the studies, I would agree with that. I mean, for decades it was a non-disease all in a woman's head. However, I never told him I had it. But... the mental fog disappeared in less than a week. The terrible tiredness associated with it was also gone. Yes, yes, I get very tired, exhausted, in fact. But remember, I work 8 hrs a day with Rheumatoid arthritis and most personal friends say I do way too much when I'm not working. I do less than I used to because I hired someone to clean for me. Made an amazing difference. So I'm much better in that sense. Whatever happened, whatever your belief in such things, I am much better. And I'm thankful.

So, the odd part. I just feel strange. I can't put my finger on it. It isn't a bad strange. No. I'd say it is probably a good strange. I am having problems, as I mentioned in a past blog, with my right hip and left shoulder and neck. Lately, I'm having that shooting leg pain. I am telling you this is a nerve somewhere. It starts in the same place every time. But aside from those things, I feel strangely fine.

I've been crocheting as I said. I've made about four squares since Tuesday. Last night I did two. I've got the pattern down now, I think. I am not screwing up as much and not referring to the pattern except when I change colors. Have I said it's a lot of squares? I'm not half done! I finished Jilly's in about three weeks. I see this lasting far longer. 

I do love the crochet. I can't believe I ever laid it down. I forgot how lovely it is to see a pattern grow and become something useful. It isn't like sewing, where it is done in a few days. At least, making the afghans aren't. Smaller items you can but this is a much bigger project. And doing things with thread is a bit more intensive. Smaller thread, smaller needle and finer details. I am just glad I picked it back up. 

Now, if the den will warm so I can get back in there sewing....

I'm going to meet Doug for lunch today. He shot me an email and asked. I haven't seen him in several weeks and it will be nice to talk to him. He's a good writing friend. 

I was thinking this week that the writing has brought me some wonderful friends. Most are online but they are nevertheless truly wonderful. I get these emails that are funny and encouraging or that share some of their own dilemmas or offer advice on mine. I am just so blessed by these people. I hope they know it. I hope I've told them. If I haven't.. I am now.

White Lightening

I love watching lightening!

Monday WRoE Update

Things progress. I have Chapter 1-3 roughly structured. I'm not 100% pleased but it's ok. I am a bit excited about it. I  like it. {sigh} Will other people? {sigh} 

I don't know how this is going to come out. It makes sense to me but I know the story. I'm hoping it will make sense to everyone else. There seems to be the idea that you shouldn't tell the reader too much. I don't feel like I'm doing that. In fact, I get uncomfortable because I am withholding too much and don't think they will get it. Still, I'm not playing that game. It is what usually stymies me. 

So, as of tonight, I have one and a half hours of editing. I'm tired and stopping for the night. 

"Stuff" People Say to Widows

I have to post this. Some of you may recognize the statements! People REALLY say this stuff!

Miss Cora Strayer's Private Detective Agency

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Fascinating!

Playing Black Sabbath on Tesla coils with an iron guitar, standing in a Faraday suit - Boing Boing

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You have to see it to believe it. Awesome!

OK Go... Again

One of my favorite groups...

The Days WRoE

I have spent the last two days working on The Dream Stealer. Last night I manged to work from 8:30 p.m. until 11 p.m. with a short break in between. Today, I came home from church and worked from 2 p.m. until 5 p.m. with a baking break. I made cookies from a prepackaged mix. Took about 30 minutes total but I didn't have to stand around and watch them rise. I just mixed, put them in the oven, and let them bake. I worked in between. 

I actually moved my work area into the spare room on my make do desk. It is warmer here and more comfortable. Had a time finding a chair that would work and then remembered a foam pad I had left over from doing Mike's chair... at least 6 yrs ago! It was stored in the closet. A nice four inch thick pad. I put one of those store bought chair cushions on top of it and that gave me a bit of height in the chair. It isn't perfect but managable. 

I've got two chapters fairly organized. I like the structure of them and I'm not sure what to add to them. I'm impressed with myself, perhaps unjustifiably so. They feel like they have what they need. I'm not worrying about that at this point. I know that later sections are sadly not this "put together". The current items are actually from when I first started writing it, those early scenes. But a bit of it came out of NaNo... filling in some gaps. I let three friends read what I had last night but since then, I've done a bit of rearranging and deleting and adding so it is different already!

Anyway, I'm tired now and I am supposed to go to church in about an hour so have to stop here. I've got a total of about 4.5 hrs work in for the weekend. Under WRoE rules... that is 4 days work! Simon would say, "Well done, love! Let's take a break, shall we."

Saturday Breakdown

I got a hot shower which helped quite a bit and I took some acetaminophen. I did laundry. While the laundry washed and dried I made myself useful. I paid bills. I read blogs. I had brunch. I cleaned the kitchen.

Mike walked over and we went to the store around noon. I suddenly wanted some new place mats for the table. I'd cleaned out my kitchen towel drawers and found that I suddenly hated the old tatty things I had had for years. So, we went shopping.

We got done and I dropped off a couple of things I'd bought for Sarah's room. Some big girl wall art. Really pretty and will go wonderfully with her rainbow color theme. Oh, I bought two raspberry red mats and four dark blue ones.

Then we went to see Sherlock Holmes. I was so thrilled. I've wanted to see it for weeks but I got sick and was afraid I wasn't going to make it before it closed out. So we went to the 4:05 show. It was sooooo good! I love Robert Downey, Jr. in virtually anything. He is truly a great Holmes. I've seen probably every Sherlock Holmes move and television show ever made. Jeremy Brett was awesome as Holmes and I thought probably the most like the literary character. But I have to say that Downey has made me fall in love with the Holmes stories all over again. His Holmes is a bit more active than the previous Holmes but I just love it. It was fun. I came out feeling like I'd had a good time.

We went to supper and I dropped Mike off at his place and came home. I just got another hot shower and have started working on the edit. Oh... every time I read some of this story, I just love it. I'm about to ask some of you to read the first Chapter and give me an honest opinion of the opening. I don't care about anything but whether or not it is good....

I stopped only long enough to post this as I doubt I'll get back again tonight. Hope you all had a good day.

HowStuffWorks "How the U.S. President Works"

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In case you didn't know or forgot.....

A Yawning Chasm

I fell into it. Well, it feels like I did. I woke at 8:35 a.m. to the sound of my clock telling me it was 8:35. It talks, you see. Anyway, as soon as I knew I was awake I realized I'd fallen off a cliff and was lying at the bottom on jagged rocks.

I hurt everywhere. And the sky is heavily overcast and 46F. I tried to sleep a bit longer but only managed about 15 minutes before the pain became unbearable. So, having had my coffee I find myself in my chair working on a blog.

Hands feel crushed. Neck feels broken. Knees and ankles feel hammered. Those areas hurt the most. I'm going to get a hot shower and see if it helps. I'm out of acetaminophen, took the last two last night at bed time. I will go get some more today. . . if the shower helps. I'll go sooner if not. Even my chest wall between my neck and the top of my breast feels bruised.

The plan is, after I do the accounting duties I will work on my novel. I have to find some comfortable position or this will only get worse before it clears. I'm not happy.

I could sit and crochet. The hands hurt but aren't stiff. It would only be uncomfortable, not impossible to crochet.

It is going to be a rough day if the shower doesn't work.

Interested in electronics, privacy? FBI says you're a terrorist | DVICE

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This is getting ridiculous! I have done all of these things at one time! Just shows how fear mongering is becoming a way of life in America! Wonder what happens if they have a million callers at one time?

A Week Ends

Maybe it is just me but this week seemed to alternately fly by and crawl. Today is one of those days when I don't want to do anything and I want it to fly by. It is very sunny and 48F outside. Cold to me but I hear Europe is below zero so I'll take the 48 gladly.

I am having so much trouble with my hip hurting. It keeps catching and is painful to walk. I think the weather caused it. It was very damp and gloomy for a few days now and we are to get more rain over the weekend. This always seems to make my joints worse. My left shoulder has really been very bad and I've had to wear the pain patch on it again. It helps.

I am not as tired this morning but I didn't want to get up. I was sleeping so good and the bed was warm and cozy. Of course, once I wake it is very hard to go back to sleep or get comfortable so it probably didn't matter.

Things at home are a bit dull. Nothing much I want to do. I've read some, crocheted some, and watch t.v. some, usually while crocheting. I so enjoy the crochet. I am hoping when the weather warms up I can get back into the sewing room. It is so cold in there with no heat. I love the room. I was going to get a new heater but had to have a new sink so it will have to wait. I may go see if they still have any and if they are on sale. I could go back to the heater store and see about a really good one installed. What I have cost a couple of hundred dollars about 10 years ago. It still sells for about the same price, or did last year.

Writing. Must do the writing, too. I'm fairly over the cold so I've no more excuses except pain issues. At the moment, that isn't to terrible.

Happiness is a state of mind and it is very hard work being unhappy.  Apostle Paul said that he had "learned in whatsoever state" he was in to be content. He didn't elaborate that I can recall on exactly what technique he used. Just that he had learned it. I have learned that no matter what state you're in, it is a lot harder to be happy. That or I've not learned what Paul knew.

I have learned that I don't want to think beyond the now. I avoid thinking of the past as much as possible because it is filled with loss. I avoid thinking of the future, except on rare occasion when I start wishing for something. Neither past or future are in my reach. All I see is now. Most days it is a hollow shell. Contentment wouldn't describe it.

At least the sun is shinning.

Atasha Graham dies 'after allergic reaction to glue in her hairdo' during night out | Mail Online

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I don't use these but this is something those who do might need to know.

GREAT NEWS!

The doctor called tonight about 6 p.m. to say that Sarah's test results for Cystic Fibrous were negative. She doesn't have it. Thank all of you for your prayers and good thoughts. I know God is good. Becca says if this cough disappears and doesn't come back after this, God healed her.

They will send her next week to be tested for asthma. I suspect if she has anything she has that. There is a lot of asthma in my family and in Becca's.

I also believe there is mold in the apartment building where she lives. The apartment below their apartment is below ground level. It is a nice place, newly remodeled but the person below them smokes and isn't very clean. Ever since they moved in Sarah's clothes smell musty and moldy, like they're stored in a basement, what I call a dirty laundry room smell. As if the clothes stayed too long in the hamper and something has gone bad. Becca is very clean and although her house may get cluttered it isn't nasty. Sarah has this deep cough ever since they moved to the new place.

Going to shower now and see if I can get a restful night's sleep tonight. The last two have not been good.

WRoE Accountability Day

It was actually yesterday but I was not able to get to it last night. I'm still dealing with some health issues. The cold is better but I am having some problems with my hip, legs, and shoulder. The pain started on Saturday and has steadily built to nearly unbearable levels, particularly in the shoulders. I have a hard time using the computer by evening. 

So, I'm a day late but here is my breakdown.

I began working on my WRoE novel, The Dream Stealer  (DS) the New Year's weekend. I worked steadily until January 10. During that time I completed the merge of the NaNo 2011 novel and the work in progress (WIP) DS. I worked several hours a night and weekend I put in nearly 10 hours straight, with short breaks. I found that once I got started, I simply wanted it done. 

I finished the merge on the 10th and took several days off as a breather because my mind was reeling from reading a 50,000 word novel and the amazing work involved in cutting and pasting in the right place. I dont' recommend this method of writing at all. From the beginning of January thru the tenth I estimate that I spent nearly 20 hours on it. 

My plan was to pick back up on my four day weekend beginning on the 13th and really work on it. Of course, the Friday the 13th I came down with a rabid cold that is still with me. I was very sick from the 14th until 27th. I've still have a cough, lots of rattling in my chest, hoarseness, and ear problems. But I am much better than I was a week ago.

There were several nights during the last two weeks of January that I actually sat down with the story and reviewed some issues and to really assess if this was even worth the bother. I maybe added another two hours to my previous efforts in the first two weeks of the month.

What Now:

I have to get to it. I've been forced to let it go but if I don't pick it back up soon, I know I won't at all. NaNo 2012 is coming at a very fast clip. I can't do this and NaNo.

So, the goal for February is to get my schedule back in order. I have volunteered to teach some crochet classes and there is the Asylum meetings, although this month there is only one. 

Another issue is that I don't actually know how to edit. I've never really done editing on such a large work and one that is so unfinished in many ways. This is going to slow me down. I don't have time to research it. I have to just do it.

February has started so I'm already a day behind in my goals. If the crochet doesn't happen to night, I want to try and get into the WIP. 

I said it wasn't easy. It isn't. But I'm doing more than I was before. It counts.

Pieces of Sarah's Spread

Absolutely the Best Site

I found a site over the weekend that is probably the best I've found yet for anything crochet. The Crochet Crowd is hands down the best. Tutorials that are clear and easy to follow and some really beautiful patterns. They have a whole free tutorial to get you started! Just register with them.

Monday - Sunny Side Up - Tuesday Not So Much

Monday

Two days of sunshine - amazing. The down side is the 37F temperature. It is cold. It was warmer yesterday. I stayed home as I still wasn't feeling well and Mike is still in the midst of that horrible cold. He'd improving faster than I did. We went to lunch together and I stopped by the cemetery briefly. I was fine until I started to leave and I really looked at his name in the stone. The term "carved in stone" has a new meaning and I begin to think it will always be painful, feeling the chisel cut into it, chipping away at me.

I had that horrid dream and my whole day simply followed suit. It was a stupid dream but it was probably a reflection of what was in my mind. The house is filled with Jerry and yet feels as empty as a tomb. It is an odd analogy - empty as a tomb. They aren't for the most part but I think it refers to the fact that the body may lie there but the person is gone. Regardless, the tone of the day was set before I even woke up. I have no idea why. 

Somewhere in all that I even thought that I should sell the house and go somewhere else. I don't really think that is the answer at this point, particularly in light of my wobbly job situation. I just find that there is nothing here for me anymore. I don't have close friends. I don't have much family and those I do have I don't see much. I go to work and I go home. I'm trying to stay involved in things - crochet and writing. But even the writing group is falling away. I think I'm one of those people who has to be absorbed in something to keep my mind occupied. I've considered taking classes but honestly, my mind is not able to keep the way I did nearly 20 yrs ago.

I need to stop whining about it. I need to shut up and get back to writing. That keeps me focused for hours. Physically I'm better. My cold is abating so I can probably do more than lie around like an amoeba. I've had a bit more pain in my neck this week but probably from not sleeping well. I did better last night I think but it is aching. Yesterday I had a bit more pain all over than usual but it could be the weather... oh, that's probably not true. We have these highs sitting on us right now and it is making the day lovely to look at... thru glass. My back and legs bothered me over the weekend too but I'm pretty sure that is from sitting to much. I simply couldn't do anything. I should have gone to church. I'm sure I'd have felt better. Stupid to think I can ignore everything and sit in that empty house alone. Becca called to check on me and I think my sister Phyllis called me briefly. Other than lunch with Mike I saw no one.

I'm dying to go to the beach. I watched something... or saw some photos.. can't remember which, of the ocean and so longed to just lie in warm sand and listen to the waves. I was ready to pack up right then. OH.. Costa Rica.. that's what it was, an advertisement for a Costa Rican vacation. Warm and sunny and the Gulf of Mexico. I don't believe there are many bodies of water that are more lovely than the Gulf. I remember seeing the Atlantic the first time and though how gray and ugly it was and how cold. I love standing on the beach and looking out over the blue, blue Gulf until it blends with the sky. I am homesick and there is no home left there. 

I am going to get back to work. I just needed to get all my thoughts down. The positive aspect of the blog is that I can look back over time and see what was going on and how I was dealing with it. I wish, in a lot of ways, that I'd been a more consistent journalist over the years. I have some journals but there were weeks and sometimes months that I didn't write anything. And they are decidedly depressing. I only wrote when I was down it seems. The online journals tend to be more a reflection of what's normal for most of us... huh, I'm normal.

Tuesday

The afternoon fell apart for me and the evening was spent with Dave, Becca, and Sarah. Crisis seems to bring us together as a family and Becca offered to do some cleaning for me. I sat and watched cartoons with Sarah and crocheted on her spread. I must get some photos posted of the squares. They're really pretty.

This morning loomed gray. I thought it was going to have sunshine because there was a bit of sun through my window but it quickly disappeared before I even left the house. 

Only real pain I have today is that darn shoulder and my neck. I know they are related. I move my arm in a certain motion it hurts and I never know it is going to hurt until it does. The neck ease a bit once I'm up and moving around but again, certain motion and position hurts it. 

I had some bad leg pains late yesterday. I think sitting all day Sunday was the reason. I simply sat all day at home and did very little but read and watch t.v. and I think I crocheted some. Sunday is mostly a blank.

I'm not going to write a lot this morning because I have lots of work to get busy with. I might be back later today or tonight but can't promise. I'm trying not to think about anything at all, a preoccupied mind makes it easier to function.

In the Walls

In Memory - January 29, 2009.

I could leave that as my only post today and it would be adequate. I thought, somehow, that because the last few months have been tolerable that today would be very easy. Even up until yesterday I thought, “This year I won't notice so much. I won't feel so bad.”

I had a dream this morning. I was asleep in the house and in the dream I woke up and began to walk through the house. Something was wrong with a spot high up on my bedroom wall that backs on the laundry room. It was a “hot spot”. In my dream I thought, 'We moved the fuse box so that can't be causing this.' The area was soft and sticky and very warm. In the real world, the fuse box is on the opposite wall of the laundry room where it has always been.

I left the room, calling Jerry as I went. I went to the living room and the front door, both storm door and entry door were standing open. I stared, dumbfounded. What on earth was he doing that he'd leave me asleep in the house with the doors open like that? I went to the kitchen and checked the laundry room and found that the hot water heater was removed. Again, I stared. I began to work on the floor that needs replacing.

Then, I stopped. Where was Jerry? I went back to the living room and looked out the window and saw my sister's car. I went out just as she was coming in. A refrigerator was lying on the ground near the house and near the curb between my drive and the next cabinets and other junk lay on the ground. My sister said, “The people next door are moving out.”

I said, “No, she's in a nursing home and they're cleaning the place out.” This is true, by the way, she is but there's been no work there for a year at least. And no junk anywhere around.

I said, “I can't figure out where Jerry is.”

We went into the house and I went into the bathroom. Bright blue paint was all over the tiles and the shower curtain was missing. It wasn't being painted. It looked as if someone had  been painting and residue settled as they tried to clean up but it was all over the place. I rubbed a spot on the tile and it seemed to rub off easily. There was a time I'd have blown a gasket to find such things. Now I just though, “It'll come off.” Oddly, it was the old white tile we used to have in there.

I stepped into the hall. Incidentally, my bathroom was not in the right place. But directly across was a door to another room where this is a closet in the real world.  I saw a white shower curtain, spattered with blue paint hanging from what appeared to be a shower rod. I saw Jerry behind it in an odd position. He was wearing his glasses and that registered as odd to me. He'd had contacts for several years before he died. His hair was also thick and dark. It had begun to thin when he died. He'd been coloring it for years. He was younger and slim.

He appeared to be sitting on top of the window, his legs through the wall and he was hanging backwards, his hands behind his head as if he was on a lounge chair relaxing. It was such an odd, frightening position and my heart pounded. I yelled his name and ran into the room. In  my mind I thought he was dead but I asked what he was doing. He didn't answer me. He just looked at me and made no attempt to get down.

I told him I'd help him get down. I began to check the wall to see how to get him down and I saw that the wall was literally “finished” around him. There was no “hole” that he'd gotten stuck in. He was just a part of the wall. His hips were in the wall, over the window and the wall smoothly finished all around him.

In my head I was thinking I need to call 911 and get help. I have to get him out of there. And then I woke up into the real world feeling as if my chest were being crushed. I sat up and looked around.

And I said, “God, that wasn't fair. That was cruel. It was mean.”

Gray Matter

Thursday dawned... scratch that. Thursday didn't dawn... it morphed. Everything went from black to a blanket of gray. Heavy fog greeted me when I lifted the garage door. It was cold but not miserably so, in fact, warmer than yesterday and damp. And now, at 2 p.m . it still looks like it did this morning, but the fog has lifted slightly... but it is all gray.

I am still coughing, although less than before and the stuff in my chest has decided to release, allowing my lungs to clear a bit more with each cough. 

Now, my head must be the fountain of youth because my nose is a running spring. I didn't realize you could hold that much stuff inside your sinus cavities. It is horrendous and until this week the nose wasn't even an issue! I blew my nose over the weekend and it went into the Eustachian tube (runs between your ear and throat to allow your ears to drain) and nearly fell over with a horrendous dizzy spell. This is a totally new thing to me. I've never had such an experience as that and and find if I never do again. It took ten minutes for that to pass and for days now I've been having mild balance issues and trouble hearing. Several times the stuff was pushed into my ear when I had to blow my nose. Really unpleasant and I seem to have no way to prevent it...well, I did start blowing in a different manner to try and prevent it - with only moderate success. Although why it is going backwards when I'm blowing forward makes no sense.

Mike is also sick with the same thing. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway and it is a good thing. 

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it is productive. Although, I haven't been writing the last two weeks it is always helpful to run ideas by everyone. I think all but one of us will be there tonight. Unless someone backs out.

I sat and worked on Saran's spread last night until about 9:15 a.m. It is going to be really colorful and so pretty. I'm eager to get it finished but at the rate I'm going it is going to be several months. Each square takes me a couple of hours. I'm at the point that I'm finishing one each night and starting a new one to finish the next night. I keep screwing up in the 3rd thru 6th rows. It is a very frustrating because just as I think I've got it, I find I haven't. These rows are very much alike with a very minor change and it throws me every time. Doesn't help that I'm sick and not really able to focus long. 

All right, back to work now. I hope you are all having a much brighter day than I am. Although, despite the impending terminations I'm not sweating it. I can't change whatever happens. I have sat and counted the cost to me if it is me. It isn't good. But I've been through this before and I'm so tired of it that I think I find it hard to react. I've had a lot happen to me since the last time, horrible things that took more than I could ever imagine from me. I find that these days I simply am unable to care about much else. 

Losing your job is terrible but honestly, there really are worse things that can happen to you. If I could have Jerry back in exchange for this job.... I'd willingly walk out. I'd go back to living in crappy houses with no money and not much else. I seem to remember we were happy in those places, even though we wanted better. Sunday will be three years. How empty life has been that it feels as if it were yesterday.

Sunlight

And there was light.... lots of sunlight in a cloudless blue sky at 38F. I still feel pretty bad but the level of crap has receded. Maybe three kinds now.

I've been sick for over a week and it really stinks.Noooo it isn't the crap I smell!   I am getting nothing, and I mean NOTHING, done. Sue, my cleaning genie, is still out of town. I don't know when she'll be back. The house is a mess, at least to me. I've done some minor cleaning and kept the dishes washed but it needs more. It has been three weeks since Sue cleaned it. I did laundry over the weekend and I did Mike's last night. I stopped by his place and picked it up. He's really sick, too and not able to come over with it. Twice he said he would but called to say he just couldn't. He's been washing out a pair of under shorts every night to wear. Well, he'll have some clean tonight.

I did manage to dabble in my story last night but only briefly. I don't actually remember what else I did last night. I think I watched something. I think I read something for a bit but mostly, I just don't remember. While I ate I watched something... I do remember that. Then I messed with the story... nothing constructive... just read a scene and thought... "That's really really good." Read another and thought about how to improve it. All I can say is "it is what I like". I don't know if anyone else will. 

So January will be a washout for WRoE. But I'm fine with it. I have been sick for half a month. I worked on it the first week, rested from it the second, got sick the third and am still fairly sick. I really need a good sleep and a good sleep is what I'm not getting at the moment. On a positive note, joint pain while I have been ill.... really. Silliest thing I've heard. But I have been so sick and felt so bad.... IT DIDN'T MATTER! My ribs hurt, my chest hurt, my neck hurt, and my head hurt...every time I cough -- which is constantly.

Last night my neck bothered me.. Guess what... positional pain. I'm nearly positive that a lot of the neck pain is posture when at my computer and the weight on my chest. I get pulled out of a good posture or I sit incorrectly when working on the computer. No more laptop in bed or on the sofa unless I have a really proper support for it and a way to keep my spine aligned. I watch a good little video on youtube about proper position and it really helped. Just have to keep at it. 

I'm hungry and it is lunch time now. So, I'm off. May your day be filled with sunlight. 

Stormy Night

The storm blew in about 30 minutes ago. Huge wind and rain and thunder. It has calmed a bit at the moment but not sure how long it is supposed to last. Based on the weather map, maybe another 30 minutes of rain. Just a guess.

I'm on my way to bed. Work is still headed toward me at the speed of a jet. I'm not actually ready for the impact.

A Montage of January Events

It's long. Nuff said.

The Eyes of My Heart

God appears in strange, unusual places, people and times. I don't have words to describe this. Just watch it. Open the Eyes of My Heart

Wake Up Call

My brother, Bill, called and woke me this morning. He just wanted to chat. I've been sick all week with some kind of freak cold that has me coughing up my lungs. I managed to work Friday but it was miserable. Yes, I went to the doctor and got antibiotics....I feel only marginally improved since I went to the doctor on Wednesday and worse than I felt last Saturday - Monday.

Oh.. thanks so much for the letters and notes of concern. Really, I've sat in this house alone for a week, seeing no one and lying around feeling like last years garbage. I have warned everyone away because no one, I mean NO ONE needs this, least of all Sarah or my sister, Phyllis. She's still getting over her surgery and Sarah, well you all know how she gets ill so easily.

Anyone notice how the bugs are getting worse? Seriously. Or maybe I'm getting worse at fighting them off. Anyway, this is really bad.

Say a prayer for my sister, Roselynn. Some of you will remember Roselynn when she had her own Multiply blog. She's been sick and her blood pressure is giving her a lot of trouble. It appears they can't get it regulated. She's had a lot of stress with her son over seas for several years now and her daughter having heart problems. And like our whole family she is overweight. Just put her on your prayer list. I know she'll appreciate it.

I am now on my way to get a hot shower and hope I turn into a human being again. Being a slug is no fun.

End of a Lousy Week

And good riddance... but it isn't over. I've been sick for five days. I'm still sick. I went to work today but I sure didn't want to. I felt horrible, hacking cough, sore back, shoulders, ribs, chest, head, throat everywhere. The cough is so bad that at times I've had to double over and just hang on to keep my insides inside! At least, that's the way it feels.

I have gotten exactly nothing done here at home. No writing, no crochet, mindless watching of television shows, I did do some reading on, I think, Monday but I can't be sure. 

I'm still taking the cough medicine, generic mucinex DM. I am taking the codeine tonight. I need sleep. I'm exhausted and last night was terrible. I woke myself up several times breathing. It sounded like paper caught an air current... same papery rattle you hear. Awful sound to have wake you... when you have heard a death rattle. It happened several times. 

When I lie down it sound as if cellophane is in my airways. Maybe that's a better way to describe it.

I'm going to stop now. I simply don't have the mental ability to deal with anything in depth.

News

I wasn't able to go to work today but I got word tonight that at a staff meeting today the boss announced he would be getting rid of three staff members. He said they would get no warning notices. He would deliver a notice to their office and that would be their last day. 

Many of you who've been on my list for a long time know they have done this kind of thing before. It is far more serious now. They have serious money problems. I think they will get rid of some of us. 

There is no way to predict who it will be based on any reasonable criteria. They don't operate that way. All I can ask is that those of you who pray, put me on your prayer list. The loss of this job is something I've worried about for a while. I don't have any prospects in this market at my age and with my health issues. So prayer is all I know to do. 

A Sick Day.... or Two

I took Tuesday off to give me a four day weekend. I had hopes of doing several things... crochet, writing, reading. None of this came to pass... except a little reading today. 

You see, I was ambushed by a cold. It stated last week and I thought it was a just a little cold, over in a few days. Not so. This is the monster cold. I was supposed to go back to work today. I didn't. Instead, I went to the urgent care  this morning at 8 and was given a z-pac (antibiotics) and codeine cough medicine. I'm coughing my head off and feel like seven kinds of crap. Yes, I'm sure there are seven kinds. No, I've not personally seen them but take my word for it I feel like $^!#.

I've lain here on the sofa for the whole day, napping here and there, coughing nearly constantly with such force that I feel my head is coming off. I had a fever when I got to urgent care. Probably why I felt so achy but I ache so often I didn't realize it was a fever.He said I probably have a touch of bronchitis. I've had that before so it isn't surprising. Remember when I went to Florida two summers ago and was so sick I was sure that I couldn't fly? This is not as bad but a close second. I don't ache so much tonight but my throat is raw, my nose is stuffy, I'm still coughing but I took something for that so not so much. When I go to bed I'll take the narcotic cough meds and hope I sleep better. I've had about five horrible nights. I have a doctor's note to stay off till Friday. 

I caught this from someone at work. I wish when they are sick they'd stay in their own office! I have to start being aggressive in prevention measure. May need  a bottle of sanitize on my desk and those bleach wipes to take everywhere I go in the building! 

I know, impossible when you work with folks not to catch stuff. 

I'm done for tonight. Not sure when I'll be back on. 

Places I've Been and Haven't Been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

I didn't write it but I wish I had. Received from GCFL.com.

World Collapse Explained in 3 Minutes

Thanks Chris! Very clear

A Terrible Day

This morning I am so sick. I coughed all night. A storm blew in and the power went our around 11:30 or midnight. I as in bed and I usually have music playing at night for about an hour. I'm usually asleep by the time it goes off so it helps me drift off. It went off abruptly. Rain and thunder and lightening took its place. I had to call Mike on the cell phone to call the power company. The lights on the next street were still on so it was probably just some transformer that was knocked out. I went to sleep. They called at 5 a.m to ask if my power was back on! I pressed 1 and went back to sleep.

My cleaning lady has been away now for two weeks. I'm beginning to feel it. I vacuumed the floors, stripped the bed and flipped the mattress - something I'm thinking I'll feel tomorrow. I have a queen-sized bed. And really it isn't hard to flip them generally... stand it on end, pull the bottom toward you and let it slide. I've done it for years but usually had someone on the other side to stabilize it and push from that side. It can be done alone... but it isn't fun. Still had to be done and it is. I need a new one but have simply put it off. We bought that mattress probably a few years before Jerry died. I'd say it is probably nearly 10 years old. 

The wind is whipping the wind chimes around like mad. They are jingling and jangling steadily. The temps have already dropped to 52 and I suspect they were nearly 70 when I got up this morning. I was dressed too warmly and had to change and now I'm feeling cool. I even tuned off the head for several hours. When I realized the temp had begun to fall I turned it back on but the house is still 70 degrees.

I really feel terrible and when I'm done will probably go find a place to lie down and nap. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I can function. The way I feel now I don't know. At the moment, I'm going to get something warm on as my arms are cold. 

Ta

A Moment with Her Royal Highness

Long Weekend

I'm off today for MLK Day and I took tomorrow off as well. So, my weekend is only half over. The kicker is that I have a cold. I've been coughing for several days before the weekend started. Since Friday night, I've done very little but cough and crochet. I felt fairly lousy Saturday and Sunday, never leaving the house for anything. Yep, stayed in both days, lying around in my chair watching t.v. shows and working on the crochet.

 Must remember to get photos up today. It is really kind of nice. This square is very difficult to do, not because I don't know how to do it but the instructions are just lousy and they change with each row. So it isn't as if I can learn the pattern quickly. I have eight rows and each one is different. And I use three different colors on each square. Lot to keep up with. Using one color helps when you're doing crochet, so if you're learning it is one less thing. I liked working with the verigated yarns on the last two projects. Also, a constantly changing row is not good while you're learning. The easiest thing to make is a granny square and you can modify it in so many ways after you learn that basic pattern. 

I haven't been writing, although last night I backed up my story and made a duplicate in Scrivener. I have no idea how to start editing. LOL, I've never reached this stage before so it is totally new territory. I'm terrified to take anything out or move anything for fear I'll want it back. Also noticed that for me, intellectually, the story is done but it isn't. I realize that is a hindrance. 

Still, today, I'm going to try and work on it. This is much harder than writing it. 

The neck has been gradually feeling better, not well, just not hurting as much. I have no idea if it is due to the change in position I'm using to work on the computer or if it is a temporary remission. I have those from time to time. Most  pain, at the moment, is under control, meaning that it is bearable at this time. Is it gone? No. On a scale of 1-10 (which in my world is way too low a scale) it is probably a 2 or 3 at this moment. Knees are not hurting. Hands - not hurting. Feet - don't like being walked on. Back - meh, a 2. Shoulder - a 2. Neck - depends on what I'm doing but sitting here, very still a 2. I still need a lower table to type on if I'm sitting in a living room chair or on the sofa. 

I spent the afternoon running some errands - ink for the printer & lunch for Mike and I, meds for me -- and later taking Sarah for a chocolate shake and a short trip to Big Lots. I am at home alone now and I'm feeling rather lousy. My chest is tight and I am coughing. I bought some stuff to break up the congestion and still keep me from hacking up a lung. We'll see.

It is safe to say I've accomplished nothing of merit today unless it was informational via the blogs. And some won't appreciate that. Ah well, the perils of finding many things interesting and a need to insist others do the same. It was all interesting to me.

I am gone now. I need to find a comfy spot and lie down. I'll be around tomorrow for sure but not sure how much. I must find a way to get the writing begun. I an only sort things so much. Even crochet is not appealing at the moment.