Peacock Bag Update

 

How Far?

Sometimes Life on the Ledge is quiet and uneventful. Other times, the ledge crumbles and you have to move back in order to keep from falling. This month, the ledge has been moving and shaking a fair bit and I'm exhausted trying to stay on my feet and far enough back to avoid a fall. 

I won't go into too much detail lest you think I need mental health care. Maybe I do. Sometimes I wonder if that would help, but I don't believe so. I remember seeing a grief counselor after Jerry died. I saw him for over a year. He was kind and talking to him helped me get rid of the toxic things; I think. When we knew our time was up, I remember one of my last visits. I told him I knew he couldn't help me, that this was something I had to do on my own. No amount of talking was going to fix it. I could have talked until I too died, but it wouldn't bring Jerry back or heal my heart. 

There's always another heartbreak, another tragedy, another grief. There is no end to them. By the time you recover, another comes round the bend. 

I often wonder how much the human psyche can endure before it cracks. Sometimes I think I'm the guinea pig for that experiment. The trek from one disaster to the next is arduous. I might get to rest between them, but not really. 

Today, I'm so tired. I don't want to go another step. I can't go back and going forward is just too much.  

A Level Field: For Now

Today was an average day. Pain levels were down, except my knees. Depression lessened. No agitation or frustration to speak of. I wasn't ecstatic, but I wasn't mad either. Like I said, an average day. 

We went to church, getting there about 15 minutes late. I don't know why; I think I was trying to get a jacket that wasn't covered in cat hair. Or maybe I took too long on my teeth. Whatever, we got there.

Service was good. Teaching/Preaching was good. Worship service was good. My neighbors were friendly, and the babies were adorable. (There are about three new babies around me.)

I tried to write the last couple of days but I keep getting so sleepy. It's very frustrating when that happens. I can't stop it or correct it because I do not know what is causing it. So, I just walk away. And lie down.

And of course, at this point in the writing, everything sucks. I don't know why that happens either. For a week, I thought it was great. Today I don't want to look at it, let alone read that drivel.  

Tonight, I watched funny videos and shared them on Facebook. I laughed so much but I feel better. 

Jet is sitting next to me on my desk, in the bed I put there for him. When he gets in it, he's much less annoying. I try to remember to pet him now and then, so he gets the attention he craves. At the moment, he's making biscuits. He only does that in this bed. Very weird.

The house is colder because I'm keeping my heat down lower. The utility bills are simply insane here and they want to increase them. I don't know how they think people will keep the power on. My utilities are now about what my house payment is. I feel for folks who are paying more for their house and have even larger bills. 

I'm getting ready to go to bed for the night. I may shut the cats out. They keep waking me up early and I'm not resting well. They seem to think they can't finish their breakfast without me in the kitchen. Jet has begun messing with my water container, which has a lid on it. He knocked over the lamp when I swatted at him about the water. It is a glass lamp, but he didn't break it. I was still angry with him because it was 7:30 and I didn't want to get up. So, I'll probably lock them out tonight. I really hate to do that to them.

Oh yeah, we had snow this weekend. I got up on Saturday morning and opened the kitchen curtains and was shocked to see several inches of snow. As of today, the snow was gone. We may get more in a few days, but for it to stick around, the ground has to freeze. 

I still haven't finished my handbag project! Will work tomorrow on it. I hope.

For now, I'll get off here and turn in for the night. I hope 

I Live for Excitement! Not.

  So, I wasn't feeling very well and decided it was time to take a shower, wash my hair, and just go to bed. That was my intention when I got in the shower. 

Things did not go as planned.

I have a nice standing rack in the back corner of my shower that holds soaps, shampoos, conditioners, back scrubbers, and I keep clothes pins to clip wash cloths on to prevent mildew and to dry after you shower. I suspect I've had this rack for 20+ yrs. It's been a convenient thing to have. 

Right until it collapsed, the pole snapping in half into the shower. All the things just tumbled around me and I'm holding this pole yelling, "Help! Help! Help!" 

I live alone, y'all. Well, with three cats, but they were nowhere to be seen. Any other time, Jet would be holding my hand. Not this time. Nope. I'm standing in the shower, the way I came into the world, holding the shower caddy with a broken pole, surrounded by various bath accessories, screaming for help. I love living dangerously. 

Eventually, I realized no one was coming, thankfully, and took a breath. I assessed the situation and realize the rational thing to do was get rid of the broken rack without getting cut on the rusted pole. It now lies on the bathroom floor. I rinsed my hair and got out of the shower. After I dried off and wrapped the wet hair, I cleaned up all the bottles, brushes, tossed things that were not good, and then I dressed. Well, there was no sense messing up my clothes. 

With an annoyed backward glance, I left the broken caddy on the bathroom floor till morning. Our encounter was traumatizing enough. I wasn't dealing with relocation tonight. 

A Bird in the Hand, Well, The Cats Mouth

 I shared this episode on Facebook first simply because it was there. However, I like to keep track of the drama here. So, here ya go. If you've already read this, you can move along to something really interesting. 

Got sidetracked by drama.  

A tiny bird got into the house. I tripped and fell over the recliner when it flew by. Jet and Kiki went on the defensive. It landed on the desk and Jet was on it in a second. He got it in his mouth. 

I yelled. "NO!"

Mike yelled from the garage, "What's going on!?" 

I yelled, "A bird got in the house! Jet's got it!"

"What?" he yelled back. (He's lost his hearing aid.)

I got up, Jet took off, followed closely by Kiki, followed by me, followed by Mike.

I yelled, "JET STOP!"

He stopped in the hallway with Kiki, but when he saw me he tried to run. I grabbed his tail. Yes, I know. Not cool. But he had this tiny bird in his mouth!

He dropped it. 

I reached down and picked it up. It was so tiny it fit in my hand. It fluttered and flew back into the living room. Jet went after it. 

He caught it again. I made him put it down. I reached down and the stupid bird flew under the bookcase. We couldn't find him.

Mike got down and looked under it with his light. I looked behind. I even took a stick and swept around. Finally, it flew out and into the kitchen. 

Jet took after it. It landed on a water bottle on the counter beneath the paper towels.

Jet was standing on his hind legs, watching.

I grabbed a dishtowel and caught him. 

Mike opened the back door, yelling at the cats to get back. I took the bird out and shook it off the towel. The little thing was so small!

It landed on the patio. We closed the door.

After things settled down, Mike checked the patio. The bird was gone. 

Whew. 

All I can say is, My Life. Eat your heart out.

Have A Seat

My back was terrible for a week, right until yesterday. It eased up and today is much better, still touchy but better. Today I could vacuum the den, living room, hallway and bathroom. I tossed the cat beds in the dryer to give them a good beating and remove any cat hair and dander. I changed the filter on the air conditioner, too. I couldn't believe how filthy it was; my nose should have told me.

After that, Mike and I watched Alabama nearly lose the game with the Texas Longhorns. I haven't watched a football game in years. Probably not since Jerry died. Mike asked me why. I told him it was because I didn’t enjoy watching them alone. I don’t like ball games a great deal, but I enjoy watching with family or friends. 

Most of the week I spent sitting down, and that is never good for backs, even on a good day. Walking is really the best thing you can do for a bad back. Most of my pain was in the lower right quadrant of my back. I also had an issue with my right hip and right knee that created additional issues with walking. I suspect all of it was because of arthritis. The doctor doesn’t think RA causes the back pain because it doesn’t affect those joints. It drifts around in smaller joints like hands, wrists, elbows, feet. Whatever. I couldn’t walk without pain. 

Sometimes you have to sit down. So, I’m trying to do that and still keep up with cleaning. I’m tired tonight but the Braves are playing in Seattle and I’d like to see the game. It won’t start till about 9 p.m. so might only see part of it. I’m going to bed, then and hope to be in church tomorrow. 

Another day gone.

September Update of Life on the Ledge

I have no idea where the last week went. If you find it, please send it on. I was very busy last week, after I returned home from Ohio. I celebrated with David and family. They took me to see an outdoor play called Tecumseh. It was amazing. 

The whole weekend was pleasant and I had a great time . I came home feeling pretty good. 

By the middle of the week, I began to have problems with my lower back and right hip. My aunt and uncle came for the weekend and left on Tuesday. This morning I could hardly get out of bed and when I did, walking was a huge problem. Lots of pain.

Mike is here for the weekend. I think he just wanted company but he also has been helping me by running errands for me. I simply couldn't handle a trip to the store. 

I haven't slept well in nearly 5 days and I think this has added to the problem. They got my new BiPap machine in.... finally, after a year. It looks like the old one but obviously the guts are updated. It still is a pain to use but necessary.

I'm about to head off to bed. I really have several things to do tomorrow and if my back isn't better, I don't think they'll get done. I've been turning in earlier but not sleeping any better. We'll see about tonight. 

Sunday Contemplations

 

Despite working on cleaning the patio yesterday, I could get up and go to church today. I'm glad I did. We had a great Sunday School lesson on angels that Bro Kuntzman taught. And then my pastor delivered an awesome message on Doubting Thomas. I'm sharing a link and encourage everyone to listen to it. My pastor is such a good minister. I love his messages because he actually studies the Word, and it shows. Speaking Peace to a Doubting Thomas Generation

I was looking back over my post yesterday and realized that some folks might take it the wrong way. I talked about not having anyone here to help me with the heavy lifting. That was what Jerry always did. We worked together on the things that needed doing around the house. Whether it was hanging drywall or cutting and cleaning the yard, he was my partner. Since he died, the work is a thousand times harder because I rarely have help and I have physical problems that severely inhibit my actions. 

I have a large, lovely family. Six to twelve hours away. It is impossible for them to be here. My aunt and uncle come every year to visit. I remember one year they came up and helped me clean the yard. We cleaned the flower beds and planted flowers. We set up a fountain. By the time we finished, my yard was beautiful. Unfortunately, they're not able to make that trip anymore. And certainly not do the amount of work we did that weekend. 

In 2010, one of my brothers came and worked on the house. However, he and his wife both work, and can't just drop everything to come 12 hours to help fix something. 

It would be lovely if Jerry were still here. He's not. And it bites. I take out the trash, rain or shine, pain or not. I clean out the car as needed. I cut and clean this enormous yard. I repair anything that gets damaged and if I can't, I have to find a way to either deal with it, or find the money to pay. Believe it or not, I can fix a leaky toilet and replace a faucet. Well, I could once. 

My hands interfere with repairs more than anything else. And it is getting worse. I stand in my yard right now and look at that broken tree top standing upside down, 20 feet in the air. There isn't a thing I can do. Nothing. If I could climb it, and I would. Ask my family. I'd put a rope around the top and pull the thing to the ground. Then, I'd rent a saw and cut it up. Really, I would. I love doing these things. But the reality is I can't climb that tree anymore. I can't use a saw because I can't manage it safely. So, the tree will stand until I can get it removed without bankrupting me. I turned the toilet that needs repair off and I am thankful I have a second one. The floor in the kitchen, well, it just lies there. I know how to get it up, put down a new one, and add floor covering. I've done it before. With Jerry. 

There are people who love me and care for me. But can't do help with these things either. I have my aunt and uncle who have rescued me so many times with help, like buying a refrigerator mine died or helping me get something else repaired. By helping me navigate a funeral, or taking care of me after surgery. By giving me advice and picking up the phone when I call, upset over the way life has treated me. And by praying for me. Yeah, that's the most important thing. I always need prayer the most.

So, when I complain or say these things, it isn't criticizing those who have helped in other ways. It is grieving my loss of independence, my home improvement partner, my confidant. I grieve the loss of the life I loved. 

As I always say, it is what it is. Once something is gone, you can't get it back. You do the best you can and move on. You don't have to like it; you just have to keep moving.

 

Betrayals, Explosions, and Storms...OH MY!

08/01/2022 Day of the Storm

Where do I begin? My arm giving me nerve trouble? My neck hurting? My fatigue causing me to sleep for hours? My ex-DIL up and moving without notice, taking my granddaughter, who was home for the summer and not paying me back for most of the financial help I gave her as she agreed? A raging storm that took out trees, power lines, and some roofs? Houses blowing up?

Yeah, wow!

I had the ulna nerve surgery and regained some of the strength in my hand and for a bit, I thought the nerve problem was getting better. However, the nerve issue worsened. I had an MRI and found I have a torn bicep in my left arm. Always the left! I also have an old rotator cuff injury that now has arthritis in it. Imagine that. My left arm is stinging all the time and I can't lift certain things. I see the surgeon on the 16th. We'll see what they say.

I also have to see an allergist in September. My doctor suggested it since she noticed I always have a runny nose. Well, this is true. And it is worse than ever. I live in a horrible region for allergies and had none before I came here. And before you say "cats", I grew up with anywhere from 10 to 20 dogs and half a dozen cats when we moved there. People dropped their unwanted pets in front of our house. My mama would never allow them to be put down or starve. The highway in front took care of most of them, so we never had a lot at once, just over years. One neighbor used to shoot some of them until Mama threatened him. We had chickens, pigs, and sometimes rabbits. So, I think I'd have noticed if I was allergic to an animal, especially since the cats and some dogs were inside/outside pets. We didn't have mice at least.

Half David's tree is resting on the ground against the remaining part of the tree. It has slipped a bit since the storm. I haven't been able to get it removed or get an estimate yet. Well, they are pretty busy with the storm damage, so I suspect it may be a minute. I've prayed and asked God to knock it down. Then I might get a chain saw and cut it up. Or maybe I can convince Mike to do it. If I can get him out of bed before noon. 

08/13/2022

I'm really so tired of this mess. More and more I'm unable to do things that need doing. I have no money left to pay for it. I really need to convince myself to sell up and just go to some tiny little obscure town where living is cheap and finish up my time there. No one will notice anyway.

There it is. The poor little me. Not really. I have virtually no family left here. My sister, whom I never see and can't get on the phone half the time. My son. See above. My other son who drifts around where the wind blows and comes twice a year. That's it. Other siblings may call but it's doubt they'll notice if I move.

But I really love my home. Lonely, yeah. But at least I've got a roof I can afford if it weren't for all the rest of it. Probably should just stop worrying about fixing anything and let it go. It won't matter when I'm dead and if they can't get anything out of the house, oh well, they should have invested some of that precious time in it. I could leave all proceeds from the sale to a charity. I have thought about it.

I'm too tired to care what happens.

Fire, Famine, and Furor

 We're six days into July and the world is crazier than ever. The west on fire and flooding, and cattle dying, the east has politicians, and over it all we have exploding gas prices, escalating food prices, galactic power bills, food processing plants being burned down, supply chain shortages, and mass murders coming out of the woodwork. Even I'm low on food since the freezer went out. It will take a while to restock and the utilities went up this month. 

That Joe Biden guy has had an amazing impact on the nation. 

Sarah came home for a visit the last week of May and we've so enjoyed her. She's laughing, dancing around, acting silly, and just being a pleasure to have with us. She's spent most of her time with her mom, but I'm happy to see her when they come over. There has been a little sibling rivalry, but Madi is thrilled to have her sister home. 

I've been sick with a cold. Two weeks ago I thought I had Covid again, but the test was negative. I dealt with it the same way I did Covid.  CVS Severe Cough & Congestion is amazing. There is no Tylenol in it so I wasn't taking pain meds, just the stuff that helps with the coughing and congestion. I'm still coughing here and there but the worst of it is gone. 

Then I got the news from an MRI I had to have done last Saturday. My rotator cuff is damaged and has arthritis in it but I've known this for about 25 years. When I was in college I fell in my house and hurt it. No insurance so no doctor, but I couldn't use the arm for a month. It bothers me more now because I have arthritis in it. However, I also have a torn bicep with a fluid-filled sac that needs attention soon. I'm hoping they can just stitch the muscle up, empty that sac, and get me well without tampering with the shoulder. We'll see.

I've been dealing with some awful depression and not sleeping well. The arm hurts terribly when I lie down and I can't get comfortable. In fact, it hurts worse when I'm resting than when I'm using it. Go figure. 

That's it for now. I need to get up and finish washing my laundry. I've been working on it all day. There will be a huge pile to put away tomorrow. I hope you've had a lovely holiday with family. Stay out of the heat.

It Fell

 

On Tuesday it fell. The axe mentioned in the previous post fell on Tuesday. The plug of my freezer, by some mysterious means, became free of it's electrical outlet and I lost an entire freezer of food. Ribs, pork chops, pork roast, chicken, 8 lbs of hamburger, several packages of fish, lots of frozen vegetables, some breakfast items, and frozen dinners. A full upright freezer of food gone. It was more than a month of meals. 

The bright side, if you can call it that, is that I could save the freezer. The weather has kept my garage a steady 100°. It probably took a couple of hours or less once the plug came free. The outlet is next to my garage door that leads into the house. It is possible we bumped the plug when some of us came in and pulled it free. We do not know how or when. I suspect it was without a couple of hours of my finding it since the garage was so heated. Whatever, we just know we lost $300-400 worth of food. 

In the mass confusion, I lost my key fob to the car. I panicked because that would be another $300-400. That sent me over the edge. I was afraid I had put it in the bags of food to throw away. So, had to unload all that bleeding meat and vegetables and check two bags. Couldn't find it. That meant at some point I had laid it down. I checked the house, the car, the garage, and no key.  The bags were to be moved but were heavy, and I could only manage a few inches. I looked down and on the floor lay my key fob. Why did I drop it? When did I drop it? I have no memory of the events at all.

I called Mike, and he agreed to come help me load the bags into the trunk of my car to take and dump it. 

Eventually, I calmed down, at least to a simmer. There is nothing I could do. I can't explain the how. I wish I knew the why. It's become exhausting to have a disaster of some sort happen every month. Every stinking month. For over a year now, I've had this kind of thing going on. I'm feeling as if Job may have been my father. 

My take away is that premonitions are real. And they are totally useless to prepare you. Their only value is to further stress you out once you know they're real. Here's the deal. I don't want to know the future, particularly if I can't affect a change on the negative aspects of it. It isn't a gift to know things. It is a curse.

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall. 

Spring Cleaning

 As part of my cleaning and scaling down, I spent a couple of hours working on my book case. I have a small box of books I'm getting rid of. There will be more. No one in my family has my reading taste and so there's no point and keeping them or passing them along. I also packed all Sarah's things and let Becca put them in storage. She can decide if she wants them or not. 

That was yesterday. I had to stop writing to pick up Madi from school. She's doing summer school this year. She had a blast but the poor thing was so hot riding on the bus. Her little face was beet red and she looked drained. "I went to sleep on the bus, Mawmaw. It was really hot." It took an hour for them to get home. 

Why would they not have air on school buses? It wouldn't even be used that much but in the fall and spring it still gets very hot and half an hour in a tin can is not good for small children. If global warming is such a big thing, we need to do what we can for our children when they're in situations that could make them ill.

Today, I'm still working on organizing and cleaning things. The den is mostly finished. After this, I'll be moving to the spare room. The single bed is probably going to go. It's unnecessary and it will make more room for my sewing and crochet items. I have considered making a simple Murphy bed frame. That way I'd have a spare bed but still retain space. I'll have to see how it goes.

Becca went to the a new foot doctor today and he appears to be more knowledgeable than the previous one. They put a brace on her foot and will be doing an MRI. Why the other one didn't do that I have no idea. The new one indicated it should have been done. She appears to have a damaged ligament and he said if it is, she's not going to be able to work at all until it is resolved. 

Mike had another episode with his anxiety. He's on medicines but for some reason it seems to not be working. Not sure what's happening there.

The last several nights I was able to get some good sleep. Last night we all went to bed by nine p.m. and this morning I have been pretty busy with various small jobs. Being busy seems to keep the bugaboos away for me. It is why writing was always such a wonderful thing. Maybe getting rid of the extra baggage will help. 

For now, I'll just keep plowing ahead. Time is flying and the sooner it is all done, the better I'll feel. 

Don't Plan the Future

Finally, we got the mower, and I cut the yard yesterday. It took less than an hour and less than 2 gallons of gas. That's a huge improvement money wise. Weed trimming still has to be done, but that can be sometime this week. It is the one thing that is really hard on me. 

Becca says she'll do it for me, but she's having so much trouble with her foot that I don't want to let her. It was better for a bit but she went into Rural King with me and their floors there are terrible on any foot or back problem. 

Today we were going to clean the garage out, but it was pretty hot. I think we're going to have to pick a time either early in the morning or after sundown. The day was nice but very warm and just cutting low branches off the dogwood tree warmed me up. I cut several other things back. We also worked on our fire pit so we can sit outside in the evenings - after we get some bug repellent. Tomorrow, I'll gather the limbs up and put them in the pit for burning. 

My fig tree has some fresh growth on some of the old stalks. This is the first time I've seen this. Every year it grows new stalks. They die off and I have to cut them out. So, today I cut the old ones off and left the ones with new growth. There are dozens of new stalks coming in too. I can't wait till I can have some figs. I wish I had the kind that fruits in the spring, but mine is a fall producer. Did not know there were two kinds. 

I may see if I can order one of the other kind from some place. They're not native here and the birds have no clue what it is. Nor do the squirrels! The ants don't seem to have a problem.

Time is not my friend these days. I'm very depressed and there is no solution. Facebook seemed to aggravate things, so I deactivated the account. I'm not fit to socialize at the moment and don't know when that will change. I don't actually care if it does or not. 

The beautiful, funny girl I knew has gone. Sarah has become rude and hateful to us. She won't call and if we call, she won't talk to us. I do not know what the problem is, and I am devastated about it. She said she hates us and never wants to see us again. 

Burying the living is harder than burying the dead. Each day is a struggle to get through. More so because there is no grave to visit. No, I'm not sitting crying. I'm not doing anything but what must be done and I don't want to do that. Whatever happens, I don't care. Several times I've entertained selling the house. Today I checked on some senior living sites. My house is still cheaper to live in, so it is probably better to just die at home and sell everything. I just want to go home. And that isn't an actual place anymore either.

Note: check with the cemetery on the tombstone. I keep forgetting that. Also, call about cremation expense and if I can prepay. If I play my cards right, I can be in the ground for less than $5K. I mean, just dig a hole and pour me in it.

The other day I was looking at family heirlooms and wondering what I'm supposed to do with those. When you don't have daughters and no descendants, and you never know who the next daughter-in-law will be, you don't want to leave them to just anyone. I'm trying to get all my family history stuff together to give to the Genealogy library. But really, no one will care. My line ends here, so there's no reason to care about that either. 

I discovered too late that planning a future is a waste of time. Better to have just lived each day and let what happens happen. Your future won't be what you plan. That way, you won't be disappointed, and you may be pleasantly surprised. 

'Tween Days

 I seem to be on the mend. The coughing is better, as is my runny nose. I don't run fevers because of the meds I take, but the headache has also improved. 

I haven't slept well because I keep taking my mask off at night. Becca tells me she can hear me snoring badly in her room, so I definitely am not resting. I have to get that fixed asap. That can cause the headaches and brain fog. 

Today is a 'tween day. I'm between feeling well and feeling unwell. It is where I spend most of my time, anyway. We've had tons of rain and the grass will be ready for me to use the new mower tomorrow. Of course, we're still getting rain, off and on, today. So, until it dries out, I won't cut it. That'll be fun.

For weeks I've tried writing, with limited success. The new computer is nice, but I miss my laptop for the freedom to leave the house to write. Of course, a dozen words don't seem like much, but when you feel this bad, anything can be a roaring success. 

Here's the truth. I want to sell up and go far away. Get on a plane and leave for some place new, where no one knows me. Realistically, I can't, but isn't that just the way life happens? It plays games with your head. There is no longer much to hold me here. Jerry is blocks away, but the reality is he isn't. No family close by but Mike, Phyllis, Becca and Madi. They need me around, but I suspect most of them would pack up with me. 

It comes back to home. That's not an actual place either. Home is where your heart is, really. When the heart is gone, there is no home. Well, it's true for me. I haven't had a home in a long time. I have a house that I truly love. There are several people I love. I no longer have a home. 

If you ask me if that is regret, I would say no, that I have very few regrets. My biggest is I didn't make the most of the good things. And time is running out. I'm more conscious of it than I've ever been and not sure why. 

You know, I remember dreaming of Mama's death 2 weeks prior to it, and Jerry's three months prior. I dreamed of Billy's death many years ago, but it didn't happen for a very long time. You live wondering if you could have done anything to prevent it. In Bill's case, I got up and prayed for him and he didn't die for over 40 yrs. Did I delay it? Doubtful. I don't control those things. And I keep ranting about what's the point. I'm hoping I don't dream of my own. I'd rather it be a surprise where I go to sleep here and wake up with Jesus, Mama, and Jerry. Regardless, it makes me a lot more conscious of the motion of time. Everything is a blur. 

My posts have been rather depressing, but it helps to get all this mess out of one's head. Keeping toxic thoughts inside is terrible. It can harm you. Of course, getting them out may harm others but they can start their own journal. 

I keep going over my to do list. It is depressing. They're daunting tasks that will hurt me. LOL. Really.

List of things I need to do asap:

1. Clean out the garage and dispose of the junk.
2. Paint two rooms
3. Remove and replace the floor in the kitchen and laundry room, paint both, and replace cabinets. (That's going to be a seriously painful job.)
4. Clean out closets, get rid of a lot of furniture, go through personal items and dispose of as many as I can part with. 
5. Sort personal paperwork and catalogue it. 

Thank you, God, I got a lawn mower! One less painful job. If I can accomplish all that, I'll feel less stress for sure.

Thursday Happenings

It is nearly midnight, minutes, in fact. I've had a rather hard day. Honestly, I think I've had Covid again. I've had headaches a lot for a couple of weeks, congestion, more severe brain fog than my fibro usually causes, then coughing. And that tired. The bone breaking, brain draining fatigue. The weekend was the worst. I really felt I was dying a few times. Today I am better, but by late afternoon, I was pushing myself just to keep upright. 

Mike came to do his laundry today, and he went with me to buy a riding mower. I simply can't keep paying $200 a month to get this yard cut. The guy I use is so nice, and he actually reduced what he charges normally for me. Mike actually loaned me more than half the money. Someone else gave me $500 to help, and I put the rest with it from my savings. Nearly wiped that out, but at least there won't be payments every month. If you've priced them lately, they're very expensive. They will deliver it, I hope, before the weekend. Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy so won't need it but with all this rain, we'll need it by Saturday. 

I'm still going through drawers and pulling out things to get rid of. Tomorrow, I'm packing up more stuff that belongs to Sarah. She's not coming back here to live, so there is no need to keep them. If she doesn't want them, I'm sure some other girl will appreciate them. I think I'm going to repaint the room, too. A good coat of some bright color will blot out the past and make the house more saleable. 

After many views of YouTube videos, I want the bed in the small room made into a Murphy type bed. I use the room for sewing. I've seen many methods, some far more expensive than I want to bother with. However, I think I can do it rather cheaply. It doesn't have to be expensive to be functional and it will save me a lot of space while still leaving a useful bed in that room. Rarely do I have people visit me. Truth is, no one comes here but my aunt and uncle. So, it isn't like I even need the bed. But in a pinch, I've had to use it.

Hmmm, I could get a rollaway bed. The room is big enough for a full size bed and a chest. I could remove most of the other furniture. However, since I began sewing again, I want a space to do that. The small room is perfect. 

I should hit my bed now. It is well after midnight. Take care and have a lovely day. Do something nice for someone. Call them. Send a card. Or write a letter. You do not know how much you can change someone's day with just one of those things. 

Bad Moon

 There are days I feel as if I'm going to die. Really. I've been so sick the last few weeks. I thought getting back to the gym would help but it hasn't. The past weekend I was so sick I really felt as if I couldn't go another day. I wanted to disappear and not know anything. I tried to sew. Couldn't. I tried to write. Couldn't. Tried to clean, I did a few things but it took so much effort I really wanted to just give up and go to sleep. I've been going to the cemetery to get out and not think about things but I don't know if that's a solution. 

I think I have a cold. We've all had allergy issues and I've been coughing a lot in the last few days. Kept taking my mask off one night and Becca had to wake up because I was snoring so badly. I was really sick that day and the next. Probably because of breathing issues related to not wearing the mask. I haven't recovered, although I've had better sleep the last couple of night. 

Becca has helped so much, despite having a problem with her foot. I hope she knows how very thankful I am for her. She's like a daughter and is always willing to help me. 

Today, I'm doing laundry and putting laundry away. I'm also cleaning up the spare room and getting rid of some things. There are things of Sarah's that are going into boxes. If she wants them, she can have them and if not, they're ready for the charity bin. 

You know, love is a funny thing. You rarely get a good return for your investment. It's a money pit. No, I'm not even going to explain that or try to rationalize it. Today is not a good day for it. 

I'm thankful for the people who have always been there for me, who loved me and helped me in a thousand ways. I hope I've given them a good return on their investment. I hope they know who they are and that I did not disappoint them. 

I'm so done giving. Really done. I've reached a place where I have nothing left to give. I'm used up. It's almost time to get off this train and I'm not sorry anymore. There's no reason to waste sympathy or time on those who do not care if I'm here or not. I'm tired of investing in losers, quitters, and selfish ingrates.

I need to stop. It's a personal journal, but there is no need to drag everyone down.  

May I Say....

We're now in May. April wasn't much of a month. Gas and other things have skyrocketed and made it impossible to do anything other than survive. And there are those who are worse off than I. 

I went to Ohio and stayed with Sarah for a week. I had a pleasant time visiting with her when she had time for me. The Sarah I knew is gone and I don't know who she is now. I'll leave it at that. 

I've done crafty stuff in the last few months. I made an Easter outfit for Madilyn, Sarah's little sister. The skirt is a circle skirt of an appliqued fabric I had in my stash. I took some appliques off the scrap material and put them on her shirt to match. With her pink boots, she looked adorable. 

I'm really proud of the whole thing. Did it all with no pattern. I like that I still have this talent. Click photos to view larger size. I want to do a couple of more using some of the tons of fabric I have and would love to make one for Sarah but don't know if she'd wear it.

I also made a handbag from fat quarters. I saw this on
YouTube and liked it. So I made one for myself. I learned some things from it. Either the instructions and measurements were off or I did something wrong. You won't see the problem, but there is one. However, I've gone over it several times. I cut out a new pattern, changing the measurements a bit and will make a second bag to see if that fixes the problem. I'll let you know how that goes. 

There are a few more projects I want to do as well, but I'm having so much fatigue and difficulty focusing that I can't finish the most basic tasks some days.

Sarah is supposed to come for 7 weeks mid-June. Becca and I want to do some projects on the house and with Sarah here, it might actually be easier to finish them.

I've been cat sitting Becca's white cat, Gabi. She was here for three days and now she doesn't want to leave. When Becca comes in, she runs and hides. We don't know for sure what to do. She loves to play with my cats and I think she is lonely being an only cat. I have to tell you this is how animals always act around me. They all almost always like me. I remember Daddy telling me to stay away from his brother-in-law's dog because it was bad. Daddy was in the pasture at their house and looked up. He saw me standing with that dog and the dog sitting next to me.I was rubbing his head. Daddy yelled at me to get away from him because he'd eat me up. The dog and I just looked at each other. I think I wandered away, and the dog followed me. He never bothered me. 

I still need a riding mower to cut the yard. The $200 a month to hire someone is killing me. I need the money and would let the mess just grow up if the city wouldn't fine me for it. I'm going to shop around next week to see if some place has financing to buy one. Surely the payment wouldn't be as bad.

So, tomorrow is Mother's day. I'd rather sleep in. Don't think anyone cares if I'm their mother. I have my reason.

It is time for bed; I think. Today I did laundry all day and changed my sheets. I love clean, crispy sheets. If I had enough cotton sheets and didn't mind doing laundry, I'd change them every day. 

Happy Mother's Day to you mothers. I hope your children treasure you. My Mama was wonderful. I wish she were still here. 

April 2022 Update

 As with all things, the car situation finally cleared up and in February I bought another car. Yes, they finally paid. I was able to buy another Ford Fusion but a 2019. My old one was a 2016. Actually, it isn't a nice as my 2016. I had a cd player and four usb ports in the old one. I also had an arm rest in the back seat with cup holders. This one has one usb port and no arm rest. However, for 20/35 mpg I'm happy. And it is paid for, so double happy. This one does have more security and safety features. So another win.

I had arm surgery on my left elbow in mid-March to repair the pinched ulna nerve. It wasn't too bad, but I had an episode where it broke open the night after they took out staples. Blood and water poured out of a small opening and scared me to death. Becca came and helped me bandage it and I went to the doctor a couple of days later. The worst part of the whole mess was that the bandages I had to wear literally blistered the skin on my arm and it was more painful than the incision. 

It has healed up fine but is still sensitive. However, I can now snap my fingers and I'm not dropping things as much. The nerve stinging has lessened, too. The doctor was conservative in his belief it would clear up, but I'm fine with it. 

This month has been rough with pain levels nearly above tolerance. Mostly my left shoulder. It is so painful to move it in certain directions. The doctor said yesterday that if necessary they'll do a scan to see what's going on in it. I may need therapy and/or steroid shots. Therapy won't do a thing for me and steroids are helpful but not healthful. So, we'll see. 

Next week I travel to Ohio to stay with Sarah a week while Dave, et al. travel to Arizona. I'll stay there from Wednesday to Wednesday and come home. Sarah is supposed to come home for 7 weeks in the summer. I hope she does, but I've given up on all of it. 

For now, I'm off to bed. My sleep is horrible these days and I feel constantly tired. Hope you all have a wonderful Easter. 

Another Annoying Week of No Car

 Here we are, mid-February. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I never have gotten anything for Valentine's Day since I was a child and my Daddy would bring in chocolate candy in little heart-shaped boxes for us. I always thought it so sweet. 

My husband did nothing like that. Not in 35 years of marriage. I think I got a card a few times. I shouldn't be surprised since I was the one who remembered all the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries and sent the assorted cards and, if necessary, gifts. Still, it is one area I still find very hurtful. He never remembered it. 

My sons have bought me flowers a few times when they had money, and that was always nice. Happened maybe twice each in their lives. I only get birthday cards from my aunt and my sister. When they were small, my sister took them shopping for gifts for me on special occasions. Again, that was nice. I have a couple of nieces who have done some special things for me a few times. 

Ever wondered how it feels to be unimportant? Imagine never getting a card or gift from someone you love on special occasions. Imagine buying your own Christmas gift and wrapping it and putting it under the tree. Yep. Sure did. He wasn't very thoughtful in that way. I tried not to think about it. But he wasn't happy when I started unwrapping those gifts at Christmas and raving over my own purchases. He did get Christmas gifts, if he remembered, last minute, Christmas eve bathrobes because what I wanted was already gone and he didn't want to spend the money. I still own two of them. I bought him nice gifts for Father's Day, his birthday, and Christmas. That is something I can say. 

I've never told people that, but I'm kind of in a bad place these days. I'm tired of all the drama of my family. I'm tired of being treated like an idiot because I disagree with their opinions and ideas. I'm tired of being important when someone else needs something and forgotten the rest of the time. It has taken me a while to remember I lived 20 years with no children. It was less painful, and I was pretty happy. I love my kids and they've been a joy growing up. You don't realize the price will often be painful. 

In other news, I still have NO CAR! The title I mailed to the address the claims office gave me never got there and has not been returned. So no payment. I spent $40 to get a new title overnighted to me. I have to spend another $20 to ship the new title to the agent. It will NOT go through the USPS. It will go FedEx. What I've spent on the title alone I could have driven to Indianapolis, an 8hr round trip from my home. How hard is it for an envelope with a TWO TRACKING NUMBERS to be lost?

Lately, I've experienced a tremendous amount of joint pain and cramps. No idea why. I was off my meds for roughly 6 weeks while the insurance worked out my records. That triggered much of it. However, the cramps in my arms, legs, back, sides, etc are inexplicable. I should get back to the gym, but at the moment, I don't know if it would cause more harm than good. The muscle cramps are not good at all. 

My D levels were too high and they've taken me off all vitamins for now. Not sure what happened with that. It's happened twice over the years and I can't figure out why it happens. I suspect that it is another deficiency that is causing the issue. A med I take prevents absorption of D, but for it to jump up randomly is just not logical.

Anyway, we wait and see and recheck in a few months. I hope it remains at a normal level. If I don't have to take extra, that would be outstanding. 

Have a good week. Be kind. Call your mother. Or your dad. Or your aunts and uncles. Say nice things and mean it. 

I'm going to bed now. 

Shocking Findings

Well. The old year is gone and we have a brand, spanking new year. With brand, spanking new problems. Isn't that nice?

My car was totaled December 17. Not sure y'all knew that but if you're on Facebook, you might have read it. It is now January 26 and I still have no car and no payout from the insurance of the person who hit me. I'm so annoyed. A whole list if issues resulted from that. The claims adjuster went on Christmas vacation and left me hanging. 

Word of caution here: Auto Owners is the worst insurance agency I've ever had to deal with in an accident. I've had three accidents where the other driver totaled my car but this is the first time I've ever had nearly two months to settle. And they're not very helpful. People didn't answer the phone, didn't respond to my voice mails. Yes, I'm aware it was a holiday but has anyone ever seen an insurance agency who didn't have claims adjusters working at all hours of the day and night? Of course, it could have just been the agency I was dealing with but they've convinced me never to buy insurance with them.

I had my second round of Covid the week after Christmas. Rebecca, my ex daughter-in-law got sick first. I really think she'd have died if I hadn't got to her when I did. She could not breath. I brought her and Madilyn, who is only 6, home with me but Rebecca got so bad I had to take her to the hospital. They gave her monoclonal antibodies and that really helped get her back on her feet in a couple of days. I was not very sick at all and needed only cold medicine and acetaminophen. We both got back to business in two weeks. Madi seems to have missed the bullet.

Yesterday I had a nerve conduction test done, my third in four years. This time they sent me because I keep waking up and my hands are numb. Really numb. I can't feel them or use them. If you've never had a nerve conduction test, think Taser, on repeat. 

They take an electrode and send a shock through various muscles in the area you're having a problem with. Then, they start over with needles and jab, no really jab, those into the muscle and send the shock through the muscle while telling you to push against something, tightening the muscle so they get a reading of how well it is sending the signal. This is very uncomfortable and increases the feeling of electrocution. Yesterday, I had about 10 shocks on each arm: 5 electrode shocks and 5 needled. He hit a small vein in my hand and I bleed a bit. Took a bit for him to get it stopped. However, I say again, this is not a painful procedure. Well, not much.

The nice neurologist gave me the results immediately. In my right hand I have carpel tunnel. In my left hand, I have a pinched nerve in my elbow. He wanted to know why they operated on my neck when it was my hand that was the problem. I explained the ruptured disk and how my whole left arm had been affected. He said he didn't know how they'd missed the elbow problem. I had no answer to that since it was their doctors who checked everything but I suspect the compressed spinal cord was a bigger priority than my elbow at that time. Since I'd begun to have fainting spells, it was for me. 

So, now I have to go to my doctor and probably get sent to another, or two other doctors. No idea. Don't you love surprises?

That's about sums up my January... well, mid-December through January and since there are about four more days this month, who knows what joy awaits. 

May the Lord's face shine on you. May your road be smooth and your burdens light.

Happy New Year or What Next?

 

Happy New Year, my friends. I wish you joy, happiness, and blessing from God. May the coming year bring you only good and may you live and declare the works of the Lord.