Bad Moon

 There are days I feel as if I'm going to die. Really. I've been so sick the last few weeks. I thought getting back to the gym would help but it hasn't. The past weekend I was so sick I really felt as if I couldn't go another day. I wanted to disappear and not know anything. I tried to sew. Couldn't. I tried to write. Couldn't. Tried to clean, I did a few things but it took so much effort I really wanted to just give up and go to sleep. I've been going to the cemetery to get out and not think about things but I don't know if that's a solution. 

I think I have a cold. We've all had allergy issues and I've been coughing a lot in the last few days. Kept taking my mask off one night and Becca had to wake up because I was snoring so badly. I was really sick that day and the next. Probably because of breathing issues related to not wearing the mask. I haven't recovered, although I've had better sleep the last couple of night. 

Becca has helped so much, despite having a problem with her foot. I hope she knows how very thankful I am for her. She's like a daughter and is always willing to help me. 

Today, I'm doing laundry and putting laundry away. I'm also cleaning up the spare room and getting rid of some things. There are things of Sarah's that are going into boxes. If she wants them, she can have them and if not, they're ready for the charity bin. 

You know, love is a funny thing. You rarely get a good return for your investment. It's a money pit. No, I'm not even going to explain that or try to rationalize it. Today is not a good day for it. 

I'm thankful for the people who have always been there for me, who loved me and helped me in a thousand ways. I hope I've given them a good return on their investment. I hope they know who they are and that I did not disappoint them. 

I'm so done giving. Really done. I've reached a place where I have nothing left to give. I'm used up. It's almost time to get off this train and I'm not sorry anymore. There's no reason to waste sympathy or time on those who do not care if I'm here or not. I'm tired of investing in losers, quitters, and selfish ingrates.

I need to stop. It's a personal journal, but there is no need to drag everyone down.