'Tween Days

 I seem to be on the mend. The coughing is better, as is my runny nose. I don't run fevers because of the meds I take, but the headache has also improved. 

I haven't slept well because I keep taking my mask off at night. Becca tells me she can hear me snoring badly in her room, so I definitely am not resting. I have to get that fixed asap. That can cause the headaches and brain fog. 

Today is a 'tween day. I'm between feeling well and feeling unwell. It is where I spend most of my time, anyway. We've had tons of rain and the grass will be ready for me to use the new mower tomorrow. Of course, we're still getting rain, off and on, today. So, until it dries out, I won't cut it. That'll be fun.

For weeks I've tried writing, with limited success. The new computer is nice, but I miss my laptop for the freedom to leave the house to write. Of course, a dozen words don't seem like much, but when you feel this bad, anything can be a roaring success. 

Here's the truth. I want to sell up and go far away. Get on a plane and leave for some place new, where no one knows me. Realistically, I can't, but isn't that just the way life happens? It plays games with your head. There is no longer much to hold me here. Jerry is blocks away, but the reality is he isn't. No family close by but Mike, Phyllis, Becca and Madi. They need me around, but I suspect most of them would pack up with me. 

It comes back to home. That's not an actual place either. Home is where your heart is, really. When the heart is gone, there is no home. Well, it's true for me. I haven't had a home in a long time. I have a house that I truly love. There are several people I love. I no longer have a home. 

If you ask me if that is regret, I would say no, that I have very few regrets. My biggest is I didn't make the most of the good things. And time is running out. I'm more conscious of it than I've ever been and not sure why. 

You know, I remember dreaming of Mama's death 2 weeks prior to it, and Jerry's three months prior. I dreamed of Billy's death many years ago, but it didn't happen for a very long time. You live wondering if you could have done anything to prevent it. In Bill's case, I got up and prayed for him and he didn't die for over 40 yrs. Did I delay it? Doubtful. I don't control those things. And I keep ranting about what's the point. I'm hoping I don't dream of my own. I'd rather it be a surprise where I go to sleep here and wake up with Jesus, Mama, and Jerry. Regardless, it makes me a lot more conscious of the motion of time. Everything is a blur. 

My posts have been rather depressing, but it helps to get all this mess out of one's head. Keeping toxic thoughts inside is terrible. It can harm you. Of course, getting them out may harm others but they can start their own journal. 

I keep going over my to do list. It is depressing. They're daunting tasks that will hurt me. LOL. Really.

List of things I need to do asap:

1. Clean out the garage and dispose of the junk.
2. Paint two rooms
3. Remove and replace the floor in the kitchen and laundry room, paint both, and replace cabinets. (That's going to be a seriously painful job.)
4. Clean out closets, get rid of a lot of furniture, go through personal items and dispose of as many as I can part with. 
5. Sort personal paperwork and catalogue it. 

Thank you, God, I got a lawn mower! One less painful job. If I can accomplish all that, I'll feel less stress for sure.