Sunday Contemplations

 

Despite working on cleaning the patio yesterday, I could get up and go to church today. I'm glad I did. We had a great Sunday School lesson on angels that Bro Kuntzman taught. And then my pastor delivered an awesome message on Doubting Thomas. I'm sharing a link and encourage everyone to listen to it. My pastor is such a good minister. I love his messages because he actually studies the Word, and it shows. Speaking Peace to a Doubting Thomas Generation

I was looking back over my post yesterday and realized that some folks might take it the wrong way. I talked about not having anyone here to help me with the heavy lifting. That was what Jerry always did. We worked together on the things that needed doing around the house. Whether it was hanging drywall or cutting and cleaning the yard, he was my partner. Since he died, the work is a thousand times harder because I rarely have help and I have physical problems that severely inhibit my actions. 

I have a large, lovely family. Six to twelve hours away. It is impossible for them to be here. My aunt and uncle come every year to visit. I remember one year they came up and helped me clean the yard. We cleaned the flower beds and planted flowers. We set up a fountain. By the time we finished, my yard was beautiful. Unfortunately, they're not able to make that trip anymore. And certainly not do the amount of work we did that weekend. 

In 2010, one of my brothers came and worked on the house. However, he and his wife both work, and can't just drop everything to come 12 hours to help fix something. 

It would be lovely if Jerry were still here. He's not. And it bites. I take out the trash, rain or shine, pain or not. I clean out the car as needed. I cut and clean this enormous yard. I repair anything that gets damaged and if I can't, I have to find a way to either deal with it, or find the money to pay. Believe it or not, I can fix a leaky toilet and replace a faucet. Well, I could once. 

My hands interfere with repairs more than anything else. And it is getting worse. I stand in my yard right now and look at that broken tree top standing upside down, 20 feet in the air. There isn't a thing I can do. Nothing. If I could climb it, and I would. Ask my family. I'd put a rope around the top and pull the thing to the ground. Then, I'd rent a saw and cut it up. Really, I would. I love doing these things. But the reality is I can't climb that tree anymore. I can't use a saw because I can't manage it safely. So, the tree will stand until I can get it removed without bankrupting me. I turned the toilet that needs repair off and I am thankful I have a second one. The floor in the kitchen, well, it just lies there. I know how to get it up, put down a new one, and add floor covering. I've done it before. With Jerry. 

There are people who love me and care for me. But can't do help with these things either. I have my aunt and uncle who have rescued me so many times with help, like buying a refrigerator mine died or helping me get something else repaired. By helping me navigate a funeral, or taking care of me after surgery. By giving me advice and picking up the phone when I call, upset over the way life has treated me. And by praying for me. Yeah, that's the most important thing. I always need prayer the most.

So, when I complain or say these things, it isn't criticizing those who have helped in other ways. It is grieving my loss of independence, my home improvement partner, my confidant. I grieve the loss of the life I loved. 

As I always say, it is what it is. Once something is gone, you can't get it back. You do the best you can and move on. You don't have to like it; you just have to keep moving.