Trip

I'm going on a little trip this weekend. I decided this morning that I have to go away for some much needed relaxation. I'm leaving Friday and coming back Monday. I don't think I will have an internet or computer during those days so you probably won't hear from me during that time. But I'll be back on by Monday night for sure.

I have a therapy appointment in about an hour and today I don't actually want to go. I just really want to lie down. I've been overly tired for a week now. I've been going to bed a bit earlier but I am just waking up earlier! So much for the theory that I'm not sleeping enough. LOL!

I've had a really horrible two weeks. I feel as if I've started all over and that can't be good. I'm not doing anything and I think that is the problem. I'm the kind of person who needs to be doing something constructive and game on the computer and internet reading are just not meeting that need. But I've been so tired and I can't get beyond the start of something before I run out of steam. I don't really know what to do or how to combat that.

I checked on support groups and there are none here. I guess no one else's spouses die. Or maybe their churches provide enough support. It is a heavily churched city - over 700 churches in a city of about 500,000. I don't know. I do know I can't keep operating this way. I am hoping a weekend away will help me get on track.

I've still not bought that laptop. I'm a bit paranoid about money at the moment. I've found that when I feel bad I want to go buy something. That has never been something I did. I've always been conservative about spending and when I had those urges I could handle it. I'd go and get a shake or drink or a book if anything. Or I'd walk around in the store until it passed. But now, it is harder. I've gone out several times and bought things and wondered why I did that when I got home. It isn't things I've splurged on. I could use every single one but this is how addictions are created. The other day I bought a display case for Jerry's flag they presented at the funeral and a frame for one of our family photos that I just love. The old frame got broken so long ago I can't remember. It was taken when the boys were not quiet teenagers. It is a great photo of a happy family, something we lost somewhere. The flag looks so nice in the case and the photo is a special one that should be hung.

I'm going to stop now so I can get some work done. I'll be back off and on the next three days.

Monday Morning Mullygrubs

I woke up again not knowing what day it was. That is so odd for me. When I realized that it was Monday I was plummeted into a depression. I do not want to be here this morning. Yesterday was not a good day in any shape, form, or fashion. I do not want to spend another day like that. I'm tired of feeling swallowed up.

And I wish I could wake up without pain of any kind. I had a bad spell last night that I don't know what it was or what caused it. I was sitting in a chair talking on the phone with my aunt. I had my arm behind my head and was sitting back in my chair. I shifted position and it felt as if someone slammed me in the side of my head so hard that my eyes felt as if they jarred. I got so dizzy that I thought I'd fall over and for several hours I felt lightheaded. It was very scary because I saw no reason for it. I checked my BP several times over the next hour and it was fine. I don't know if that was a sudden drop in BP, a drop in blood sugar, or if that place in my neck is a pinched nerve and when I moved it caused the problem.

When I called my doctor's office a while ago to see if I could talk to the nurse, they said the staff were all out today. O.k. I could schedule a covering doctor but that would mean going over my history with them. I don't want to deal with this today. And I still don't feel well. So, not sure what to do.

Anyone out there a nurse?

I think I am going to ask for Friday and Monday off. I'd like to drive down to Atlanta for a couple of days and just get away. We are only getting a three day weekend on the 4th of July weekend and I don't want to drive anywhere that weekend. I get 13 hrs of vacation a month so I should have plenty of time to do it. We'll see how that goes.

Ok, it has taken the better part of the morning to do this between jobs and I am going off for the rest of the day.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day here in the states. We use this day to give honor to our fathers. Most churches will have some little presentation for fathers. My church does this. All the fathers will stand and they will give each one a small gift.These are usually small tie pins or bookmarks. Then, they will sit down and when church is over the fathers will go out to lunch with their families.

I did not go to church today. We are not celebrating over lunch.

I am home today because family holidays do not seem to be of interest to any of us. We all talked yesterday and all agreed that today, we would not do Father's day.

I will call my uncle later and wish him a happy father's day. I may call my own father, whom I've only seen once since I was five but with whom I have reestablished tenuous ties in the last 22 years. He has done some nice things for me during that time and I appreciate them.

But the man who was the father of my children is not here. I can only sit and remember what we have lost and I realize how very little a single day of honor can express all that he did for his family.

Wasted Days, Wasted Space

I just spent the morning writing my nephew in Afghanistan and playing some game on the computer. I have to get dressed now and find something really productive to make up for the lost time.

I don't feel the letter writing was a waste of time but then it only took about an hour. I sent it Motomail and the letter had to be broken up into three different emails because it was so long. They can only print one page for each letter. Well, he'll get the equivalent of three letters. LOL. Hope it works.

I want to clean out some closets and toss clothes I can or will never wear again. I am stupid for hanging on to some of this stuff and have no room if I buy something new. It is just wasted space than can be better used. So, it goes. I hope. It is very hard to toss clothes for me. "I'm sure I will wear this again." Right. Not.

Anyway, I am going now and do it. Keep your fingers crossed. I will let you know how it all comes out.

I also want to thin out some books and junk sitting around. Most are books I probably won't ever read again. A few were sale books I thought I'd like, started and never finished. These are not novels. These are books like The Lore of the Unicorn; Exons, Introns, and Talking Genes; The Copernican Revolution (I actually did read that and it was good!); Cosmic Questions (read that too and it was good also). Anyway, you get the idea. These were bookstore sale books that no one else would buy... they know a sucker when they see them. Anyway, the last two were science books that I actually liked and learned from. One actually told me how to tell time by the stars and I used it once camping! How weird is that? That would be the Copernican Revolution.... you know, they guy that actually believe the sun was stationery?

Well, anyway, I've been weeding books for nearly a year now and it is hard for me. I love being surrounded by books and I read anything about everything so it is an eclectic collection. Last night I decided to pick up my spanish book and read to brush up on it. I was sitting on my bed at 1:00 a.m. this morning reading spanish aloud. Well, there was not one to disturbe and it kept the demons at bay. Apparently, they don't speak spanish?

I'm going to check on auditing Spanish classes at the university. I took two years of college Spanish and loved it. My prof wanted me to continue with the next two years but I was in my senior year of college and I didn't want to do it. So, now, I'm sorry. I'm 10 years older and don't know if I can catch it up. But auditing will get me in the class with no credit (I don't need it), and give me something to do. If all goes well, I might actually take the next two levels. We'll see.

I got to go before I waste any more of the day. Nothing gets done! Today I'd like to have something to show for it.

More Information about Insulin Resistance

Here an another article with valuable information on diabetes and insulin resistance. I was actually surprised by the top part of the article. Lower in the body of the test is the information I an referring to you.

The site where this is found is a great health site filled with lots of information. Evaluate all health information careful and research before jumping on any bandwagon.

Can Selenium Cause Diabetes

True Story: Office Receptionist

Our office switchboard is very busy . Not only do they answer the phone and transfer calls for 14 people, they greet every visitor and answer questions/ They also insure that each person gets the correct paperwork or receipts paperwork they are turning in. They don't have headsets and we have six lines that can ring all at once. So, waiting on a client and having to answer the phone can get a bit overwhelming.

Today, Nancy, one of the receptionists had a man she was helping at the front desk with paperwork. The phone rang and she said, "Good morning, Leased Housing. May I help you?"

The man she was helping looked at her strangly and said, "Don't you have to pick it up first?"

I asked what happened after that but she was laughing hysterically and couldn't tell me.

You never know what will happen in Section 8.

Busy A a June Bug?

Is a June Bug busy? I don' t know but I always try and come up with catchy titles so you'll read what I post!

I'm definitely a bit down this morning. Dave, Becca and Sarah spent the night with me last night. I was glad to have them because I could go to bed and not stress about it. Becca and Sarah went to church with me yesterday morning. Sarah loves the Sunday School class at my church and David had to work so, they went with me. That was nice. The two girls spent the day with me and Sarah and I took a nap together, a fun event.

That little doll baby is just about the sweetest child I've ever seen. Her daddy was a wonderful baby, too and so sweet but I spoiled him mercilessly and he's not done so well as an adult because of it. He has a hard road ahead of him. When everyone loves you as a child, you just don't get why some adults don't like you. But I have to hand it to Sarah's mother, she is doing a very good job with her. She is, of course a bit spoiled, but she is very obedient and polite for a two-year-old. But then, as I recall, so were my boys. Please, thank you, yes m'am and no m'am were common phrases we taught them. Actually, for the most part, David is doing well I guess but he's had a lot of struggles in the last half dozen years.

I just can't get over Sarah's speech abilities. We are constantly blown away by what she says. Her mother was getting onto her this past week about something and Sarah was walking down the hall. She said, "I'm just a little bit scared." She told me this week that she "needed to go home and take a break". We read book after book after book and she still doesn't get enough. As long as your voice will hold out, she will sit and listen to you read! She loves my old Dick and Jane readers I've collected. Any story, even if there are no pictures, she will listen to.

Last night I watched her as she tried to repeat a phrase I said. She made me repeat it over and over until she could say it and you could see her working it over in her mind. She stared off into space while I said it and when I finished, she would look at me seriously and say, "say it again". She's like a word machine.

She also makes word rhymes. Do they do that at two and a half? I thought rhyming was not until about 4 or 5. She sings a lot anyway but we hear her taking a word and rhyming it, kind of like that song from the 60's -The Name Game -and making a song of her own! She's never heard the song as far as I know. I don't even like it or own a copy of it. She knows dozens of song, too. I can't ever remember seeing a child that knew as many songs at that age. She is a constant source of amazement for me. I sometimes fear she is too smart, if there is such a thing. That comes with its own problems.

I finished a chapter of Mist last night. It was a very short one so I don't know if Alice will be happy but it took the story a step farther along. It is strange when this particular writing bug bites. You really don't want to do much else. And it has been a while since I could actually focus on such things. I am still not able to maintain it for long. I am looking forward to November's NaNoWriMo. It isn't that far away and maybe by then I won't be in the Pits of Doom quite so often. They don't let you out much here but I'd like to have a 30 day furlough if possible in November. I may get a 5th novel going! LOL, I'd like to get one finished. I've promised myself this weekend to start working more on the two stories I have in progress so I can see them finished and ready for a rewrite. I dread that thought.

My yard is so lovely since I've had someone treat it but it has been too hot to sit outside during the day most days. The evenings I am too lonely to sit there. I bought an umbrella and have yet to enjoy it for more than a few minutes. I'd like to be able to just sit and relax but my mind can't deal with that. I have to continually be doing something or I think too much. Crazy, huh?

I can't sustain the positive outlook for long. Life has become so complicated and I just want to rest and enjoy it. I can't. I can't make plans or dream or hope or anything. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. It is true. And hope destroyed is worse. I keep remembering that last month how we had suddenly begun to see daylight on some things and how we thought things were going to improve now, how we would be able to do some things for us. How we began to make real plans the way we had not done for so long. And then it all stopped, over night the world was turned upside down and every plan and dream emptied out and lost in the icy darkness. Now, in my mind I see this woman standing in the dark, her mouth opened in this long soundless scream. It never stops. That's strange, isn't it. Should I be worried that I see her so clearly? Is she me? I don't know. She's always there, in the dark places. I'm just thankful I can't hear her.

Body Works

I had an appointment with my MD today. Everything was "super" as he put. My blood sugar was normal and this is the second reading for that. He wants to take me off my metformin (this helps the body utilize my insulin and keep those levels normal.) I do not take insulin and do not have full blown diabetes. I am resistant to my own insulin. We talked about it and then decided that since I've just started the PT and will be trying to work out after that is done, he will wait until my next physical before he will either reduce it or take me off of it completely.

Getting off the metformin would be great as long as I can keep my energy levels up. I was put on it because I was constantly exhausted. A test showed that I was insulin resistant. This is also known as metabolic syndrome. That means that when I eat, my body doesn't burn my food energy and it thinks I need more insulin. It release more insulin and continue to try and get the cells to absorb nutrients. Insulin is an inflammatory agent and the more you are releasing, the more inflammation and tired you get. You also develop things like RA, infertility, obesity, headache, high bp, and a host of other aliments. You don't have to be a diabetic to be insulin resistant. I probably was most of my life. I just didn't know it. I exercised for over 30 years and that kept it under control. When I stopped all the aerobics and gained weight, then I had a problem.

That is another reason he is waiting. He wants to be sure any tiredness is not related to metabolic problems or my emotional state and that the exercise has been sustained.

My A1c count was excellent, too. Now class, how many of you know what this means? LOL, none? Neither did I until this last year. You eye doctor needs to know this number also if you are insulin resistant or diabetic.

I don't know about cholesterol levels at this point. I don't think they checked it this time. Well, now you know the how the old body is working.

I am having a terrible time at night but I can't fix that so won't dwell on it today

A Day in the Pool

Well, only an hour but you get it.

First day of physical therapy went fine. Walked in the pool, back and forth, for an hour. Forward, sideways, backward. An hour. Talked the whole time. I hate it when I do that. Lately, I can't stop talking and I feel like a crazy person doing that. Therapist was very nice and just let me gab on. Probably good for me too.

The pool was heated and I really wanted to just soak for hours. Even if the exercise doesn't help, the heat probably will. It was lovely. I go back Thursday.

So, now, I'm soooo tired. I am going to go to bed very soon. Thanks for all the notes and comments you have all sent me in the last 24 hours. They have all been such a blessing.

I feel as if God had sent people in my path the last couple of days. Today I had to leave work earlier than I planned. I just had a melt down and had to get out of the building. I went to pick up a fake owl for my porch since the pigeons suddenly are roosting under the awning! I hate them. I have poop all over my porch and steps. I couldn't even get in the house without tiptoeing.

Anyway, I went to Rural King, a sort of farm store with everything you can imagine in it. I was looking for motor oil for the mower. An attractive young man with a beard turned and smiled at me and I thought "I know you." In fact, I said it out loud. He smiled and and said, "Lewis." I was so surprised to see him. Jerry and I knew him from our old church about 10 years ago. He and I chatted about 30 minutes and it was just what I needed. He just shared with me what he felt the Lord was doing with him and it was so nice to hear. I remembered how kind he had always been to my sons and took the time to just talk with them and befriend them. Jerry and I both liked him and were glad he was a friend of our boys. He is a bit of an entrepreneur and always has his own business going. The last time I saw him it was small engine repair. He did some work for us. Just Saturday I noticed my mimosa tress in the back are dead and I told the Lord I needed someone to remove them. Guess what this young man is doing now? Tree removal!

So, I got his card and he will come give me a free estimate. I say young man. I think Lewis is in his late 30's, maybe a few years older than Mike, who is going to be 30 this year, but that seems young to me. I remember I asked him once why he never married. He said he was waiting for God to send him the right girl. I didn't get the chance to ask him today if he'd found her yet. He is one of those nice boys that ever mother hopes will find a nice girl.

As for my pigeons, he told me the city had released peregrine falcons in the downtown area and they feed on pigeons. They were trying to reduce the population. A light went off for me and I realized that what they have done is pushed the population out of the inner city and into the surrounding areas. They are looking for new nesting grounds. So, we shall see how my owl works. He's quite scary with his glassy eyes. And his head bobbles! I came around the edge of my house and was startled by him. LOL, I patted him on the head and said, "We'll see how the pigeons like you."

I had another couple who IM'd me from Florida. They recently left here and I had missed them at church. Found them on Face Book and they have been so kind to just encourage me and pray for me.

On Saturday I happened to run into another friend from my old church, a young woman who baby sat my boys. She's got children of her own now. I had seen her parents last year around November or December at McDonald's on my lunch hour. She told me Saturday that they had put her mother in the nursing home. She has stage six Alzheimer's. I was so upset when I had seen her last year to discover she had it but she had recognized me immediately and remembered my boys that day. So I had not idea how bad she was. It was heartbreaking when her husband told me. They are such wonderful people and were always so very kind to us. And they loved each other so much. I was sad and prayed for her for days. Now, to hear she doesn't know anyone is just terrible. I was glad I got to see her daughter and talk with her a bit.

So, I guess this weekend when I felt so alone and abandoned, God sent people that I had good memories of to give me a few smiles. And he kept you all writing to me to keep me focused. Thank you all for being my friends. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Vanity of Vanities and Mad Wanderings

The Bible says it is vain to sit up late and rise early. And pretty stupid, too. Well, it doesn't say that, I did. What a dope I am. Fell into an exhausted sleep around 12:30 last night. Up at 6:30 today. Average for me. I woke up once, maybe an hour or so later, because I thought I heard Jerry breathing. I sat straight up in bed. It was terrible. I could only lie back down with my heart pounding and go back to sleep.

Today, I'm just depressed. I have to go buy something tonight to wear in the pool for that physical therapy tomorrow. I didn't want to come to work today. I wanted to lie down and stay in bed for a few more hours. I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to.

I still haven't bought the laptop. I've looked at several and honestly, I like the Toshiba I tried at my sister's house. My nephew and niece both have one. They worked really well. There is one on sale at Office Depot. I may stop by there after work tonight.

I've just called the funeral home and asked for information on grief support groups. Obviously, I've been looking for support from the wrong people. And I know that I need people to talk to about this.

I sorry if people think I'm being petty by not understanding why people react the way they do or don't to me. I simply state my experience here. I don't justify the lack of action or inaction by anyone. It is what it is... or is not. I do not feel responsible for other people's insensitivity or lack compassion, or emotional handicaps. I'm certainly not able at this point to tell other people what the appropriate behavior is in dealing with grief stricken people. If you have a church with that ministry, wonderful. If you have a circle of friends who are "there" for you, I commend you on your choices. I thought I did, too. I've been mistaken before.

So, I will do what I have always done in every difficult situation in my life. I will take care of it myself. Do I sound angry? Maybe this is the anger phase. I sat home last night and realized how very alone I am. Only when crisis comes do we learn who we are and who actually cares about us. I have wonderful family. We are good people. Not perfect, but we love so clearly. Brothers who call to check on me. Sisters who call. Aunt, uncle,cousins.

I also have a friend at work who keeps tabs on me there. Her son died in September and I went to her home and took food and went the the funeral home and went to lunch with her and let her talk. Long before I needed the same favor. But she has done the same at work for me. Her husband has a serious heart condition and when he had a massive heart attack, I went to the hospital and sat with her for several hours. See, that isn't hard when you care for people. And it didn't inconvenience me.

But I'm hurt but the lack of Christians who think so little of me that they can't be bothered to just call me to say I love, care, appreciate, or am concerned about you. I drive 15 miles one way to church. That isn't far by city standards but when there are at least 5 other churches of my faith within five miles of my home, I think it says something about me. And when the church can't make a call to let those in need know someone is praying, concerned, or just interested in their welfare, that says something about them.

I just wrote four of the following paragraphs in an email to someone who was talking about the different ways people react to the loss of a spouse. It is true that no two people will behave the same way in a given situation.

"Losing a spouse is something I can't begin to describe to anyone. The trauma of losing your spouse is beyond what I could imagine. I lost my Mama when I was 17 and I remember crying for three weeks before she died because I was terrified of losing her. (remember the dream?) Jerry sat with me on dates and let me cry. We married a week after her death and he was there to get me through the worst of it. I thought that event was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't. I thought losing my first child was a horrible thing. I was in a severe depression for three months and considered killing myself. It was terrible but it doesn't compare to this. This literally shatters your life into a million fragments which you have to gather up and put back together. But you can't because some pieces are missing.

How well each person handles that damage can't be predicted. On the outside looking in it may seem that everything is o.k. I told my counselor I was a very good actress. I doubt anyone would know how I'm doing by looking at me unless they know me very well. Most of the time, I hold the facade together.

I see dozens of people a week and I can't just fall apart when the stress is high or when a memory slaps me in the face. I have no choice but to maintain my professional facade 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But as I mentioned, it is exhausting. I've been so tired today that I could hardly get through the day. This is just Monday! I am getting a shower and going to bed as soon as I can.

I suspect that the blow of Mama's death was tempered by Jerry. He held me up, he listened and he was just there. Had that not been the case, I would have fared much worse. She was my best friend and I had no one else to turn to. She was my grandmother and had raised me. My grandfather (Daddy) drank badly. So, my world was literally torn apart with her death. I had no place to go. Jerry kept it together for me.

This time, there is no bonding force, no emotional and moral support, no listening ear, no shoulder to cry on. I'm alone in this. And he was with me even longer than she was. The memories we shared are gone. I can't recover things he remembered that I don't. His perspective of events we both experienced are gone. The smile that said I was beautiful will never greet me again. One can't recover those things and I do not believe you can recover from the loss of them. I may survive, probably will but I will not be who I was. If I say my life is over, it is because it is. Dead and Buried. There is no way to resurrect it."

So, they say rebuild, start over, you're young. Do they really know what 35 years entails? Did I imagine the struggle of learning to live together, compromise, and adjusting to one another philosophies? Building a relationship, laying foundations, establishing a home, a family? Start over? Rebuild? How stupid.

Someone told me that another woman made the following comment, "She's a pretty woman. She'll find someone else." My question to that woman is, "Exactly how much do you love your husband?" Do you even imagine that it is that simple? What makes you think I want another husband?

I don't know where I'm going with this. It started early this morning and is ending at the end of my work day. I think I better stop before I go off the deep end. Pray for me if you do nothing else. I am so thankful for my Multiply friends. You do not know how much. Several of you have sent me PM's today and I thank you. They were much appreciated.

Maybe tomorrow I'll master nice.

When Does It Become Easy

I do wish it would bet easier to go to church. I don't want to go. I have a terrible time getting myself to go. Today, I thought it would be a bit better. I could not get Mike up to go with me and it is a bit better if I don't go along. Although he won't sit with me. He sits in the back. But Becca called and asked if she and Sarah could go with me as David had some kind of stomach upset and couldn't go.

Once there, it was just terrible. I can't think why I thought it would be easier today with someone there. I managed to worship a bit but I can't handle the intensity of the emotions because I feel as if I shall explode in a million pieces. I can't let myself feel or I will end up being carried out.

We were a bit late getting there and so no one spoke to us and as soon as the preaching was over we left. I just didn't want, at that point, to have to say "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

How am I? I'm a mess. What do you think! That is what I want to say but people mean well. You can't insult people if they bother to ask about you. I've found that most people don't like widows. I know they don't because no one will talk to you. They avoid you like the plague in case you start sobbing insanely or fall into a faint. Some people used to come over and shake my hand and say hello. Now, nada for the most part. They don't know what to say so they say nothing and they look the other way. Someone ask me if anyone calls me. I told them no, just my family. They didn't understand that. People are just so stupid. Present company excepted. Did I ever tell you I have no tolerance for stupid?

I manage to cope at work because I'm so busy I don't really have time to think and if I do, I find a way to stop it. But I still have to come home to this empty house. Where I have to find ways to not think.

And the tiredness is another thing. I can't do anything. I'm just plain tired. Exhausted really. I need to do a lot of things around the house but I just find that I have no energy to even move from my chair. I get spurts of energy that allow me to wash dishes or put away a few clothes but it is not unusual to see a week of clean laundry sitting in the basket. I did put it away yesterday, by the way.

Now, I' going to shower. I need to just lie down I think. Maybe I'll go to sleep. I'm missed Jerry all weekend long and I'm really just worn out.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I had a few comments on my last post about dreaming. Some have generated thoughts that I wanted to mention. Whatever your belief is, and I don't disrespect them at all, there is strong evidence among those who have dreams that they can be prophetic. Stories go back beyond modern times. I am a believer by default. I've had dreams and they happened. You don't have to believe me. I didn't ask for them and wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. But whatever else I know, I know that dreams, sometimes, are predictive or prophetic.

I also know that equally, some dreams are nothing but our over exerted minds. At other times, they are our brains way of working out problems. Ever hear the expression, "I'll sleep on it"? That did not come about by accident and it is a very old expression. The mind never sleeps. It is constantly working to make sense of all the information it has been bombarded with all day.

I used to sew everything my family wore. There were many times when I had a troublesome item that needed a special solution. If I couldn't figure it out, I'd put it aside. When I went to bed that night, I would do a little trick. I'd tell myself that I was going to dream of the solution. It never failed. I learned that trick over time and I used it to very good effect in college. Always before a test, after I had studied and when I went to be at night, I would repeat that I knew the material, I would remember it the moment they gave me the test. I've taught others to use this technique and it does work. Your mind is powerful and I suspect the unconscious mind is more powerful than the conscious mind, with all its barriers and inhibitions.

May father told me once that he could control his dreams. I questioned him on this. He told me that he loved skydiving and hated falling dreams. If he had a dream of falling he had taught himself to change the dream and instead of falling, he was flying. I too hate falling dreams and so after he told me that, the next time I had a falling dream, I tried it. And it worked. That is called lucid dreaming and there have been studies to show that we can manipulate some of our dreams. After all, it is our mind.

As for predictive dreams, there are many people, thousands or more, who will tell you they have dreamed of events prior to their happening. We aren't psychics. We are generally average people. I do not understand what purpose it serves because usually people don't believe you anyway. Would anyone of you have believed me if I had told you that I dreamed of my grandmother dying that it was going to happen? No. You would have laughed or reassured me. But it did happen. Two weeks after the dream.

I dreamed what my oldest son looked like before he was born. I didn't even know he was a boy. Coincidence? Maybe. How can I tell? I have a lot of dreams that happen.

My grandmother had premonitions and dreams that happened. She just never talked about it. People think you are crazy, back then, even more so. She never told me about them but I knew she had them. She would say things were going to happen and when asked how she knew, she just looked away and said, "I just know." And they did. Then, we would ask how she knew and she wouldn't tell you. Well, I don't have her fear of being thought crazy. But I have kept this to myself for decades. No one in my family knew this about me until recently, when I told it after Jerry died. My aunt said, "Mama could do that." Mama even knew about her own death. And so did I. I didn't believe either one of us until after the fact.

Do you know how frightening that is? I've had death dreams three times. They all involved family members. I only acted on one of them. That person did not die. I acted because the nature of the dream was unusually and profound and frightened me so much that I acted immediately on waking. The other I missed - one because it was the first one and the other because I simply wasn't expecting it.

To sum up my point here I want to refer you all to the last paragraph in the January 12th post. Gloom, Doom and a Working Day

Saturday Mid-Morning

I got a good night's sleep, thank God. I always do feel better when I get up when I wake up instead of begin dragged out of my bed by a crowing rooster. That is the sound my alarm makes. I don't care how often you hear it, you never get used to it and it never fails to wake you. I actually beat him this morning and have already had my hazelnut coffee. I just went and turned off the alarm.

I was wakened by a strange dream and I don't usually remember them. I used to, long ago, remember my dreams and write them down. I stopped dreaming years ago when I started having pain problems. I've always believed that was a sign I wasn't getting enough REM sleep. If you don't know about REM sleep you can look it up but basically, lack of REM can make you sick and you can actually die from a lack of it. I suspect it is the culprit in much of my problems.

Anyway, over the last 10 years or so, I only had dreams once in awhile and could rarely remember them. After that cervical block in October I began to dream, crazy dreams. I promptly forgot most of them when I got up. This morning, I woke from a crazy dream and I am writing it down here. Why? Because I am afraid not to.

Last year, when I began to dream a bit more I had a dream about Jerry. I dreamed we were working in our yard and the ground where he stood began to swirl, like a whirlpool. I could see the grass begin to spiral around his feet and the ground appeared to be sinking where he stood. He looked me and but I don't think he asked me to help him. I can't remember that. I believe I tried to get him to come away but the ground had opened and was beginning to draw him down into it, the spiral grew outward until I was forced to back up or be sucked down with him. I frantically looked around for something to help him but couldn't find anything but the water hose. I remember the frustration and fear as I watched as he began to sink. Finally, when only his hands and arms to his elbow were visible I grabbed the water hose and threw it to him. But he couldn't grasp it and the spiraling whirlpool grew and I couldn't go near enough to reach him. I woke up just seeing his hands.

I remember thinking what a crazy dream. I don't know if I told him about it. But I did tell him I was having these crazy dreams since I had the cervical block. Suddenly, I was actually sleeping again and dreaming. It had been so long since I had real dreams that I had lost sight of what my dreams often were in the past. I take it the majority of you can see this dream for what it was. I did not at that time. Only after the Lord reminded me of it weeks ago did I grasp the full impact of it.

This morning I woke from another weird dream. So, I will write it down as best as I can now remember it. Because I don't know if it means something or if it is beans.

I was in a place where a man was brought in on a gurney. He was a big man, not fat as I recall, just big. He had white blond hair and he had been injured in some kind of accident but was alive. I wasn't sure he was at first but I gradually got the impression he was alive. There was a woman nearby but I can't see her face I just know she is distraught. I do not think she is me but who knows. Anyway, they tell her the man's lower face is destroyed and I"m confused because I feel like these are mortuary people and they are going to bury him.

He is covered up but I know he isn't dead. I'm not afraid, by the way, just watching. I don't sense any emotion, just a mild concern for the woman. They wheel him away and I have a sense of time passing.

They bring him back and he is lying slightly on his left side away from the woman. I am standing at the foot of this gurney and I can't see anything but his the side or his face from his eye to his forehead. He has been crying. For some reason he is half uncovered. I can see his slightly bent right leg and arm.

They tell her they have to remove part of his face. Again, I don't feel anything in this dream but a sense of concern for the woman and sadness for this man. At first, I think they will wheel him away again but then, I watch as they take surgical scissors and began to cut the skin away from his face. He begins to cry this terrible cry and his eyes are looking at me. I never really see his lower face at all, only his terribly sad and frightened eyes. I had a sense of something destroyed beyond repair. I woke up.

I put this out there so, oh, I don't know. I didn't write down my dream about Jerry as I should have. Maybe I would have seen something. I didn't see it for what it was because of my own condition. I'll never know the truth.

Now, for those unfamiliar such things, you must realize not all dreamer dreams mean something. For me, some dreams actually happen and they are not usually good things. I'm some sort of special dreamer. But I haven't had dreams like that in many years. I've prayed repeatedly NOT to have them. I got sick with this pain issue and stopped sleeping well and my dreams were impacted. I didn't dream at all that I could remember. {sigh} I know, my prayers were answered. I just realized that writing the preceding statement.

Anyway, you don't want to have dreams where you are told people are going to die or or injured, or about their personal problems. Particularly when you can't tell the difference. I don't know the difference in a dream like that and indigestion dreams. I don't know when a premonition is imagination or warning. It is why I kept asking not to dream those kinds of dreams. If I can't recognize it and I can't change it or fix it, then is serves no purpose and is useless to me and anyone else involved. I've done this as long as I can remember. At least since I was 17.

So, there. Now you know just how strange things are for me. I feel like I should just stop running and let it overtake me. I do not know what I am supposed to do with such things if I can't tell what is real and what is imaginary.

I stopped to take a call from my aunt for a while and finally got of the phone so I could finish this. I'm going now and get dressed and get busy. I have things I must do.

Long Week Ends

A very long, depressing and stressful week has ended and not a moment too soon for me. I am no into Saturday morning and about to go to bed. I've struggled with depression and despair all week while trying to catch up at work from a week off. I'm tired but now don't know if I can sleep. I hate going to bed until I am exhausted.

But I am going. I wanted t tell you all I am trying to get around to everyone's blogs but it isn't always easy. I have to keep my mind occupied with really stupidly trivial things. Games and puzzles, chats with online friends, anything distracting. I just can't concentrate on anything deep or heavy.

Today I plan on just doing whatever I want with no pressure. No running all over the world either.

So, good night all.

Gloom, Despair, and Darkness

It is a cloudy day. I think it rained during the night. It was very cold last night for this time of year. A cold front blew in and I imagine that is where the rain came in. Today the sky is overcast and dreary and it is very cool.

I really am in trouble I think. I can't get a handle on this encrouching darkness. Don't say pray about it. I can't pray. When I try I simply fall apart and manage to say "Please help me, God" over and over but that's about all I can manage. I'm taking the St. John's Wort. That will take time to get in my system, as any other medicine. But I am not coping with it at all. I don't really know how. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to or what to say.

I told my aunt that I understood what Hell is. She said, "Well, I know I don't want to go there." I told her I was living there already. Imagine every thing you ever did wrong, every mistake you made, every unkindness, selfishness, meaness, and negative behavior you have ever had rolled over and over in your mind, every day forever. And you can't stop it. You can't fix it. You can't undo it. You can't change it. It can't ever be made right. And you desperately want to fix it. You want to make it right. You want to undo, change, stop it. And you can't. That is Hell. And I live there.

I'm isolated for the most part. I have my children and when they are around, I'm better. But they have to go home. And sometimes I need them to go. I have to have quiet at times, too. My family out of town calls whenever they can. I come to work but the stresses of work are not helping. They are increasing the stress level. I can't take off. I'm already behind from my trip home and that in itself is a stressor.

I realized last night that I have no friends at all here. Not really. My co-workers are all very kind. My boss has really been very. . . well, he's been so good to me about my work and my time.

I haven't been to church in three weeks, I think. It is very hard to go and see the place where I expect to see my husband standing every service and know he is not coming back. My pastor has called each week after I missed on Sunday. He is a very kind. I'm sure my loss reminds him very much of his own.

If it were not for the people on my Multiply contact list, I don't know who I would have any contact with outside of work and my family. Some of you have gone out of your way to try and support me with your notes and email. Some of you chat with me whenever possible. I've found myself online more because of that. Any port in a storm, as they say. I don't want to appear needy but if some of you had not been there things would really be unbearable at home.

Someone sent books on grief that, after reading the first one, I think are very good. They are very short books and don't require a lot of time to read. My friend Reite has received them and she has a write up on her blog from yesterday about the first one. Her mother died just after Jerry did. I started the second one last night but it was very late and I was so depressed I couldn't handle it. Thank you, my sweet friend. I think I know who you are but will respect your desire for anonimity. They're very good books, really. If I can come to grips with things, they probably will be the reason.

I do not think I will go back to church. I've been contemplating that for a couple of days. There are other churches I know nearby and I may visit a few others. I don't know. I do pray about these things and do not make hasty decisions about such things.

I don't know that any of this matters really. At least, I wrote it down instead of bottling it up. I can't very well fall apart at work. I see the counselor tomorrow but I don't really want to see him anymore. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't help. And I just don't care.

The whole idea behind journaling is to say what is in your mind and heart. As I understand it, in the grief process, this is beneficial. I haven't found it terribly so but it does make you feel the way you feel after you've thrown up. Since that's totally gross I'll leave it at that.

Back Home

I'm back. We got in around 11:00 p.m. last night. We left my sisters at 8 a.m., stopped in Andalusia, Alabama at 9 a.m. to see my sister-in-law and left there at 11 a.m.to continue our journey. We were delayed two hours by a terrible accident on the interstate at about the halfway mark, just north of Birmingham, Alabama at the Warrior exit. We got of at that exit and because I remembered that Warrior has three on/off ramps. I was low on fuel and so we got of and gassed up and took Hwy 31 N. to the next exit. It took us 1.5 hours to go 3 miles! Half the world go off too!

As we got back on at the third exit, they were bringing two vehicles off the interstate. It was horrible to see. One car looked as if it had rolled about 10 times and they had to use a can opener on it. At the gas station they had told us that rumor was there was one fatality. The rest of the journey was uneventful

So, I did nothing today because I'm exhausted. I will tell you about the trip in another post. We had a good time but a busy one.

Glad to be home.

Away We Go!

I'm leaving in the morning for Florida and won't return until some time Saturday night. I probably will not be online before Sunday. I hope you all have a good week. I'm hoping for comfortable, sunny weather in Florida, particularly on Thursday when we plan a family picnic at the beach.

Pray safe passage for out trip down tomorrow and back on Saturday.

Down in the Dump

As you can all see from my last few posts, I've slowly been descending into a depression. I've not been able to stop it exactly. Since I don't know what caused it, I can't very well stop it. However, I did go get the St. John's Wort and it is helping.

I am, by no means, over the depression but it is lessening somewhat. I suspect it will take a couple of days to really get through the worst of it. Thank God I have enough experience with severe depression to recognize it for what it is and deal with it when necessary. At the moment, I've been at home. I've not even gotten dressed today. I just have sat playing games on the computer, reading my Bible, and chatting when I find someone to chat with.

The act of doing things that don't require deep thought, emotional reactions, or keep me thinking about anything other than my problems is best at the moment. Earlier I moved some clothes and ran across Jerry's favorite shirt, the only one I have left in the house. It still smells like him. That was not a good thing so I stopped moving clothes.

If you are not on my MSN messenger or Yahoo messenger and would like to be, let me know with a PM. I think a couple did that a while back but I don't remember now. If you did and I did not add you, remind me. Of course, you all send me PM's and comments so it isn't as if you don't talk to me.

I am going now and find something to snack on. I had lunch earlier but I think it has been several hours.

Mindless and Careless

Some days it feels as if you are just losing your mind. Or as if you are walking around with part of your limbs missing. I've never lost a limb. I've heard about phantom pain and how it nearly drives the amputee crazy at times. Now I understand much better.

Today I haven't eaten. I just remembered to take my meds about 30 minutes ago. I can't seem to do my bank statement, that I only remember this morning. It has been lying here since the first week of May. How could I not remember? I have an error somewhere and I can't find it. That is poetic justice.

I have no energy to even get out of this chair, no desire to actually do anything. Not even post to the blog.

In my case, I feel as if there is this huge vacancy in every area of my life. I try and plan interesting things that will get me out of the house, out of my chair, out of my head but when I finish, I just don't care. I really don't care if the house gets repaired. I can't do it and I don't know who can and I don't care. I need to buy groceries, not many but a few. I don't care. I need to put away the towels but I don't care if they are put away or rot in the basket. There's laundry washing and drying but it will probably sit there for hours or days. Or until I find the energy to deal with it. I don't really care.

Everyone says, "It gets better." "You're better." I really want to say you don't know what you're talking about. I just smile a mummer, "I know."

YOU DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. No one knows.

Did you ever hear the story about the little boy who stood in front of a cave and called out and was shocked when he heard a voice coming back at him. He wanted to know who it was and was told it was his own voice. He didn't believe it. He believed it was someone in the cave mocking him.

I don't hear anything. Not even the sound of my own voice.

Plans for The Day

I am officially off for the next 10 days. Vacation. I am sitting here posting photos and stuff in my pj's. I will get dressed soon but I was awakened at 7:30 a.m. by my son needing a ride. His brother's car wouldn't start so .... yes, vacation.

To update on a few things. I'm not going to Spain after all. They'll be gone three weeks and I'll have no where near enough vacation time for that. I'm not too disappointed. I'm being very careful with money at the moment. I did think about going to Puerto Rico. That would be fun and have that Spanish flair I'd like. I don't know if I'll get there this summer but I think I could manage that in time and money.

I do like the idea of going to England, Grammy. And I'm thinking by next summer I might be able to swing that. I never thought of traveling much outside of Jerry's military career. We loved it so much. We had plans for this summer, which fell apart, of course.

I'm going shopping for a laptop again. There are some really good sales this weekend for a lot of stuff. I just don't really want to buy anything with Vista. My programs work on XP and I don't want to buy something I have to buy new software for.

Of course, the justification I'm giving for a laptop is the opportunity it will give me to write anywhere and more often. Winter is a good story that needs to be finished. Mist MUST be finished or Alice will never speak to me again. I'd miss her far more than I'll miss Mist when it is done.

Anyway, I'm torn as to whether to wait for Windows 7 or buy now. I just don't know yet. I'll keep praying about it.

Please pray for Mike to find a good used car. We always pray about this because he can't spend more that $500 on a car. Well, I can't. And he is so rough on cars, I wouldn't if I could. God has blessed him with some really good used cars for very little money. He wrecked his car weeks ago and while it is still running, it isn't running well. It wouldn't start this morning. WIthout his car, I'm running everywhere.

I have to go buy ink for my printer. It is out again. I think Mike is coming over and printing color copies. It uses up my ink terribly. I am going to see if I can set a password print command to print unauthorized printing. I hardly print anything but documents and not many of those.

Well, the day is wearing and I have much to do so I will pop in later to see what you are all doing.

Crossing Days

I read my Horrorscope for fun. They're seldom right about anything. I've not won any money, never taken an unexpected trip, nor met a mysterious stranger...weird but not mysterious.

I look at Biorythms for the same reason. However, over the years, I notice that the biorythms actually appear more accurate about some things. Of course, it's all hokey pokey psuedo science but I've watched them for a couple of decades. About an hour ago I began to feel as if my mood was falling. I didn't think more about it but just a minute ago I was looking over my google homepage and was reminded that today is a crossing day for all of my biorythms. I noted this last week to myself but as I said, this is a passing interest only and I don't plan my life by such things. The lowest point will be later this evening. Hmmm.

For the uninformed and scorners, biorythms are a theory that our bodies are on a cycle that rises and falls throughout the month. On days when these cycles cross certain points or each other, our responses and reactions to things is affected. A good Wiki is found here to explain them: Biorythm

It is said that on crossing days you may be more prone to accidents. Again, related to physical cycles, we all know that at certain times of the month women have shorter attention spans, mood swings, and sort fuses. This is cyclical and will pass. You can plot it on a chart. My guess is we are all a mass of cycles. Life is a cycle whose high point can be marked by finding the middle between death and life.

If I think about Jerry in light of these cycles and waves, for him 29.5 was the peak of his life. At that point he was very successful in his military career, he was very healthy and running 5 miles three days a week. We were very happy and living in a foreign country! Our oldest child was about to be born. It was probably the happiest time in either of our lives. I remember it very well. We were on top of the wave.

Understand, I do not believe these cycles or biorythms predict the future, your actions, your behavior or any outcomes.Those are all up to you and God. I do tend to find them interesting because there is a definate wave pattern to human emotions, moods, activity, and intellectual processes, even human life. We all have "up" days and "down" days, some more than others. So it is not beyond my comprehension that these can be plotted on a chart. Women start to plot cycles on charts when they're teenagers! So, if there are physical cycles, then there has to be mental and emotional cycles. Therefore, biorythms are an interesting footnote in my long list of interesting subjects. I thought I'd post about it.

I've felt my mood dropping for the last two hours and couldn't understand it since I was relatively ok when I got up and this is my last day of work for ten days! All the waves are in the bottom of the chart and are crossing.

For those of you who are offended by horrorscopes and biorythms and all the other psuedoscience.... well, lighten up. Most of the scientific community say they are all bogus so there is notchance you job will be predicated on them. Most Chirstians say they are witchcraft so you may want to avoid them... the subjects, not Christians.

As for me, I also read the comics in the Sunday paper and do crossword puzzles. I swear that Born Loser can predict the future and there are secret messages in the crossword puzzles.

Gotta go now. Catch you all later.

I'm Going to Do It

I finally decided to start taking St. John's Wort. I 'm tired of waking up depressed and going to bed depressed. I am having trouble just getting started in the mornings and this is just the first stage. It may not get better on its on and I just am not willing to take the chance. I've been in that hell before and I'd just as soon bypass it this time. But I don't want prescriptions antidepressants. The counselor was skeptical about SJW but I've used it in the past with great results.

So, I'll get some today and start taking it tonight. I'll have to be careful in the sun but they have sunblock so that shouldn't be a problem. It can make you photo-sensitive. That's sensitive to light, not photographs.

I am also thinking about taking a trip to Spain in the fall. I was invited to go with my aunt and uncle. Have I told you this? Don't think so. Anyway, they are taking a cruise back from there but are leaving early to sightsee. I am not interested in a week at sea but I would love to go to Spain. Means boning up on Spanish... my two years of college Spanish is dismally rusty. And getting a passport, which someone pointed out I should start on now just in case. I think I will have enough time saved to take a few day and a bit of money saved for it. Means I won't fix something but these things don't come often. I checked priceline and the flights are unbelievably cheap!

Of course, I could go somewhere else if not Spain. Jilly, Wendy & Katey, if I decide to visit England, will you show me around? I'd love to visit Ireland, too. Choices, choices. I suppose I better read up on hotels and such too. I haven't done all this in decades... since we got out of service.

Anyway, those are some of the things I'm going to be doing.

Still don't know about the laptop. Had lots of suggestions. Alice is not subtle. She sent me advertisements. LOL! I guess I need one? But I have this lovely desktop that is only a year old and works great.

Cannibals Talk

Two cannibals were sitting around the campfire talking. One of the cannibals said, "You now, I just don't like my brother-in-law."

To which the other replied, "Then just eat the noodles."


From: The Good Clean Funnies List (www. gcfl.com)

Winding Down

Monday is closing out. What a busy day it was, too. I was late getting to work because I had to go take Mike's birth certificate to the Social Security office. I wasn't about to let them have the original. They made a copy.

Once I got to work, about 2 hours late. I skipped lunch and worked all day. I did get my desk relatively cleaned off but I know it will pile up quickly if I let my guard down. I am working on getting all the bits and pieces processed before I leave. I dread coming back after a vacation of any kind. It just builds up so badly.

The day was beautiful but I've been down since yesterday. I can't seem to get very happy for long. I did start a new puzzle. I did the sorting tonight. I don't know if I will be able to do much before I leave but I will have it out so I can work on it as I feel the need to distance my mind.

It really isn't very good, you know. I can't think of anything I want to do. I don't want for any thing at this point. I have food, shelter, transportation, a job, clothing, every need is met. I have a little money to do little things for my children. I can take Sarah for milkshakes. I can buy her dresses and shoes without thinking about it much. But none of it suffices. It is as if it is all pointless.

There was a time when doing something to the house would excite me. Jerry and I would plan, gather materials, and then set to work fixing something up. We'd always argue somewhere in the process but we would keep working until we got it done and then stand back and smile at how good a job we did. We'd be so excited to have done something. We've done floors, walls, plumbing, everything you can think of here. We loved our house and loved doing things around here. It doesn't look like much now but we envisioned a lovely home. Dreams that never came true for us.

I find myself wanting to do those things and looking at the job and realizing that it doesn't matter. Even if I get it done, there is no excitement or fun in the job or completed process. It will be nice. It just doesn't matter much.

I'm start going trying to writing again. I finished chapter 43 of Mist last night. I started chapter 43 before Jerry died. I let Alice know it was done and she emailed to say she had read it and liked it. But she loves Mist. I have no idea why. Lord, I remember when I started that thing it was just an exercise in writing and never intended for public consumption, never mind a 75,000 word story! That is the longest novel I've ever written so it would be stupid not to complete it. I would like to get the rest of it done now. I still don't have much concentration for more than blogging. I was just beginning to get focused when life turned over and poured out everything.

I'm still thinking about a laptop. I don't know what is the best way to go. I like the idea of carrying it with me so I can write anywhere but the question now is, will I? I don't now. I'm scared to spend $800 on a laptop that I won't use.

I'm going to shower now and try to get settled for the night. I've forgotten my pills again so I'll do that now. Have a good night.

Bummer of a Day

It was a long day and I'm tired. Dave and Becca took me out to eat. That is a very rare treat, indeed and I enjoyed it, as much as I can enjoy anything. Everything is tempered with sadness and there hangs a cloud over all that I think, feel and see.

I am able to get through most days without thinking a lot but there is always the unexpected moment when I can't get my breath or I have an image flash across my vision. A word, phrase, melody, a photograph, or movie are all catalyst for a break in the flow of my life that begins with a small gasp.

Tonight, I"m tired and on my way to bed. I've sat up too late watching Hulu. I have lab work in the a.m. so good night.

Home For Lunch

I came home for lunch today because my leg is acting up. Sciatica flare on my left side and it is very uncomfortable. My leg hasn't gone out yet and I'm hoping it doesn't.

Don't know if any of you remember last year when it went out I had days of trouble. That is what sent me to the pain management clinic where they put needles in my neck instead.

I have a hot pack on it that you get from the store but it isn't very hot. And it isn't helping actually. Tonight I will have to get the heating pad and put that on it.

I had a call from one of my NaNo friends, Mermaid, last night. It was nice to talk to her again. We had not spoken since sometime in December. She has been my writing buddy for two years and she is just a hoot to hang out with in the forums.

I've made some lovely friends and acquaintances here and on NaNoWriMo. It has been so good to get the messages, comments, and calls from my online friends. I'm very glad I'm so picky about who I add. I've made good choices there. You are all so very good to me. This year has not started well but you support has been a blessing.

Now, back to work. I have just enough time to drive back. I hope to pop in tonight but I've been informed by Alice that I must start thinking about writing again. I agree. I want to work on Hidden in the Mist and The End of Winter is waiting for the ending. That is a good story and needs to be edited but I made myself a promise to edit only after I've got to the end. It isn't far, I think. But Jerry's death has taken more than Jerry from me. I've lost half of who I am and that must be evaluated. I am also not together at all. My sense of time, my ability to organize, think with clarity, all have been impacted in a negative way. I have to get that back. I do feel as if I am thinking more clearly but I'm still disorganized.

Stay my friends and keep me in your prayers. I can't go wrong with that.

Why What's Marked in My Bible

If you begin to notice a pattern to the verses marked in my Bible, it will be that most, if not all of them relate to broken hearts, depressed spirits, and sadness.

I don't relate a lot of my past here but there was much to be sad about, there was a lot to be depressed over, and a lot of heartaches. Life has been a long series of challenges that often left me in a state of depression. That cycle reached a peak in 1998 and was only overcome by my faith.

Always I would find these verses, like gemstones strewn across my path, and I would mark them in colors. I'd go back to them again and again in times of stress.

During this time since Jerry's death, there are have been several times that I opened my Bible and "stumbled" across one of these marked passages, again like gems strewn in my path. I always pick them up and look at them.

No, they don't make me feel better. They do not relieve my grief, absolve my feelings of guilt, dry my tears, nor comfort me in the usual sense of the word. It would be foolish to expect that and to say they do would just be a lie. Those things only come over time and through a lot of effort on our part.

No, these marked verses serve simply as reminders. A reminder that what happens in life can't be avoided, neither good or bad. I don't know why my life has been filled with some of the difficulties I've faced. I know that I made a decision as a young girl that I wanted to live life, in all its variety, to the fullest. I remember asking God to let me experience life. I can't very well fault him for answering my prayers. I just don't always like what I experience. Nor do I know why he allows me to be stupid about a lot of things, never showing me until it is too late. But when I am in my right mind, as I seem to be at this moment, I know that what I asked for is what I have been given.

To appreciate the sweet, you must know and understand bitterness. To appreciate a sunny day, you must endure storms. To enjoy a warm day you have to endure severe cold. You can't live without extremes because if you do, you won't understand the relief that comes afterward.And you won't know any joy at all.

Amidst all the turmoil of my early life, the struggles of my married life, and the torment of my current life, I know beyond all doubt that I have been blessed. Always, throughout my whole lift I have been able, particularly after the crisis, to see the hand of God directing every path, even the most nightmarish paths, through the darkest vales. I often can't see him, feel him, or hear him in this place. I just know he sent me into it. I don't like it. I just love him.

You may doubt many things about religion, Christians, and the Bible. I can only tell you what I know. There is a hand that directs us all. Some take hold of it and are lead. Others take it but must be dragged along. Still others slap it away, preferring their own path. But the hand is always extended and waiting.

I hold on with both hands and close my eyes. He sees better than I.

What's Marked in My Bible, #21

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Psalms 37:3-8

3. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4. Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
8. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

Psalms 37:25 & 28

25. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

28. For the Lord loveth judgment, and forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off.

What's Marked in My Bible, #20

Psalms 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

Psalms 29:2 Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.

Psalms 30:5 & 11
5. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

11. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Psalms 32:1 Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Another song:


Psalms 34

1. I Will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.
3. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
4. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.


If I ever get a way to get music to these, I'll let you hear them. They are all quite lovely.

What's Marked in My Bible, #19

Psalms 18:6 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

The following Psalms are all songs I learned while living in Germany. These were quiet popular in a multinational church because everyone knew them!

Psalms 19:7-11b
7. The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
8. The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
9. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
10. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
11. . . . and in keeping of them there is great reward.

Psalms 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Psalms 20:6-8
6. Now know I that the Lord saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand.
7. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.
8. They are brought down and fallen: but we are risen, and stand upright.

Psalms 25:1-2

1. Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
2. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.

What's Marked in My Bible, #18

Psalms 16:11. Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

The following is another scripture song:

Psalms 17:3, 5, 6,7, 8,9

3. Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night; thou hast tried me, and shalt find nothing; I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress.

5. Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.
6. I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech.

8. Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings,
9. From the wicked that oppress me, from my deadly enemies, who compass me about.

Tuesday.... A Sunny Start

The week began with sunshine... for a change. Today it seems more of the same. I had an appointment yesterday afternoon with the counselor. He said he thinks I'm better. {sigh} Really, it just depends on the day of the week and how hard I've been trying to avoid things. The tireder I am, the worse I get.

I've rested better Sunday and Monday nights. Perhaps because of the prayer cloth Dave and Becca brought me on Sunday night. I pinned it to my PJ top and I went to bed both nights exhausted. Seriously, exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open both nights. I woke up on Monday and this morning at 6 a.m.. My alarm is set to go off at 6:30 and I usually hit snooze until 6:45.

After I started this I was reminded of the software committee meeting today. They provided lunch but it was a whole day of nothing but listening to a software presentation.

Ultimately, I don't think my opinion will count for anything. They just want to be able to say they consulted every department. I think the accounting personnel have already decided on what they want for the agency and it won't matter what the rest of us say.

Then, I went with Dave and Becca to meet with the attorney's office and discuss their bankruptcy. I promised I'd help them with it. They are never going to get out of the mess they are in any other way. I don't approve of bankruptcy. We were in a mess several times and managed to clean it up and finally got our credit established. But we were never in as deep as these two. And with no skills and low paying jobs, they will never be able to do anything.

I'm tired tonight. I've been up since 6 a.m. Dave and Becca are cutting the yard so I will have a nice yard this weekend.

I have been reading my new study Bible. I quite like it. It has a lot of historical sidebars and footnotes and that is different and very interesting.

I had plans for this post today but it seems to have gone now. I hate getting interrupted at it. Maybe I'll be back later.

The Weekend So Far. . .

Becca and I cleaned out the garage yesterday. A pile of trash sits by the street waiting for someone to come and spirit it away. I have to pay someone to come get it as I missed the heavy trash pickup in April. The weather was either too cold or too wet to clean the garage and they came a day early, anyway!

So, we cleaned it yesterday. We put a lot of stuff back in around 7 p.m. because it got dark, but there are things I need to sort out. She does to as some belong to them. Still, it isn't nearly as much. I've told them all the storage facility is closing and they must figure out what to do with their items. I'd like everything out and the car in. What a novel idea!

I've had a lot of water come in. The thing leaks around the edges of the wall when we have a lot of rain. It sits at ground level. We've had a lot of rain and so water got in. I have to get the mess cleared. I'm concerned my cabinets may be messed up now. I'll be back out next weekend if I can but I am supposed to go to Florida the last week of the month.

And this morning I knew I'd been cleaning. My back is screaming. My hands hurt. My arms are achy between the shoulder and elbow. My calves hurt. I just have no muscle strength anymore. I asked the doctor the other day if I should join a club again and try to build my strength back up but she is sending me to water therapy instead. That's going to cost more, I bet.

I had both boys, Becca and Sarah, with me in church this morning. We went to lunch afterward. It was nice, but I so missed Jerry. And this afternoon has been horrid. I took them home, and then Mike left. I came home and lay down on the couch for a bit, which is very comfy but when I realized I was going to sleep and was cold, I got in bed. Where I then could not sleep. I got up and put a hot pack on my back... which isn't hot at all, and here I sit.

I'm tired. And I'm exhausted of falling into this terrible empty place. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'd like to rest and enjoy things but I just keep slamming into circular walls.

I do not know if I will ever get over this thing. Yes, I know everyone says I will. But I can't see anything beyond it. There is no purpose to it. It makes one realize the planning and dreaming are a waste of time. We dreamed of watching Sarah graduate from high school, go to college and maybe, if we were lucky, marry and see our first great grandchild. We planned to do things for us this year. Now, I make no plans and dream no dreams. It doesn't matter whether or not I fix the house because tomorrow, I may be gone. So I don't really want to bother. The effort is just too much. I do not relish ripping out floors anymore.

This afternoon I lay on the bed and remembered that we had planned to change the light fixture to match the one in the study. I remembered the night we changed that one. Took far too long and we kept having trouble with the box in the ceiling. When we finished it we had this great sense of satisfaction because it was so pretty and we had fun doing it. I can't do that alone. I don't want to spend any money anymore. It isn't fun at all. And when I hurt, I realize that my working days are probably numbered. I'm not going to be able to keep doing this. It isn't getting better.

Someone once said to me that there is no real purpose to life. I disagreed then. Now, I think it is true. We create meaning in our heads and we're just passing through. Try as I might, I can't find any other answer. It all means nothing at the end. A collection of painful memories left behind to torment the living.

You know, I have those grief books everyone gave me, two or three of them. I've read a bit in one, finished the small one the counselor gave me, and another I started but couldn't read. It wasn't MY loss. I have found nothing in any of them that is helpful to me. Isn't that crazy?

But, after thinking about it, I've decided that everyone takes this journey for themselves. You can't share it. There are traveling companions, but they are all strangers on the train. Each one gets off at a different stop. Some sooner, some later. But we each arrive at a different point in the journey. The journey means nothing.

I'm one of those people who sit on the train until the end of the line, staring out the window at the passing landscape - some barren desert, some verdant forest, some dark and bleak and wasted, some sun-drenched flowering meadows. I can get off at any stage of the journey, but there is nothing waiting for me there. I know they are all just a facade, a front. What lies behind the scenes outside the windows was at the beginning of the journey. So, I continue the journey because I've already been there. I don't know what lies at the end because I don't know where the end lies.

I remember this terribly long stretch of interstate highway between Montgomery, Alabama and Mobile, Alabama and a similar stretch between Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and Charleston, South Carolina.(See the last S. C. album) Straight highways that take you from one place to another. Hours of nothing but pine forest. There is nothing of interest or merit or meaning except that you have to pass through them to get to your destination. They are deadly dull to pass thorough and frightening if you breakdown at night. No houses for miles and miles. If you travel it alone, you can go to sleep at the wheel.

This is that kind of journey. Long, pointless, empty and frightening. It'd be nice if you could sleep, but there's no one to drive for you or to wake you when it is over. So, I ride the train, staring out the windows and waiting until the end of the line.

Shopping

Just got back from shopping. Bought three tops form Kohl's and a 4th of July dress for Sarah. It was just too cute to pass up.

I also went to Penny's where I bought my fourth and fifth pair of St. John's Bay shoes. One is another pair that I will wear to work. All four pair are exactly alike...yes. Two black, one navy and one brown. Why four just alike? Well, they are the most comfortable working shoe I've had in years. I wear out a pair in six months. I'm scared they will stop carrying this particular shoe so, I bought one in each color and an extra pair of black today to save the wear and tear on the other pair of black.

The second pair I bought today is a pair of sandals by St. John's Bay. Absolutely wonderful on my foot! I've been trying to find a summer sandal but they are all so ugly, so uncomfortable, or just to teeny-bopper for me. These are really nice and again, the insole is heavenly.

Then, I went to Sam's Club. Do they have them in Europe, Jilly? A bulk discount warehouse where you have a membership to purchase things. Although, I often discount the discount portion. Sometimes it is cheaper elsewhere. Anyway, I bought some food and a Dora book and a Dr. Suess book for Sarah. I bought me a new study Bible. This is a chronological one like my other but this one has study notes. The other I have it a "through the year" chronological Bible.

Now, I'm probably going somewhere else.

Anyone know why spending money is making me ill? I use the money from Jerry's pension for the "extras" I've been buying, like the clothes, shoes, and furniture. I've noticed that I get sick to my stomach every time on the way home.

Hollow Places

Voids.

Empty space.

Barren lands.

Vacant buildings.

Violent people.

Hungry children.

Lost people.

Broken hearts.

Lonely people.


Know any? Fill them.

What's Marked in My Bible, #16

Job 38:36. Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? or who hath given understanding to the heart?

When I lived in Frankfurt, Germany from 1977-1979 we learned several songs from the Bible. This chapter contains one. I could sing them but with no music it wouldn't be very pretty. I did post one in the Melodies tag box on the home page, but not this one.

Psalms 3:1-6
1. Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.
2. Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.
3. But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4. I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5. I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.
6. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.

Psalms 11:3 If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

They are being slowly eroded. As a child, I could pray in school and no one thought it strange to pray at a dinner table or talk about Sunday School. The Ten Commandments were more than a set of rules, the were the foundation of democracies.

Today, the word Christian is considered an insult and a shame. To practice Christian faith is to invite insult, ridicule, and lawsuits. Prayer is forbidden except in private.

Yet, how amazing that we are ordered to be tolerant of a religion that advocates the use of violence to force compliance and conversion, tolerate their praying in public, tolerate their hatred of Christians.

Yet, let a Christian even speak in a public place the words of the Bible, and they will be accused of violating the separation of church and state. Let them criticize a public official, a lifestyle, or a certain behavior and they can be arrested for a hate crime. Let them disagree with the politics of the day and special interest groups are allowed to prohibit them for participating in a political event, simply by whining.

The world has truly been turned upside down. If speech were truly free in American or anywhere, we could speak without fear of reprisal or restraint.

Stepping off the soap box now.

What's in My Bible, #16

Probably one of the most poetical and beautiful chapters in the Bible. And my most favorite.

Job 23

1. Then Job answered and said,
2. Even to day is my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning.
3. Oh that I knew where I might find him! that I might come even to his seat!
4. I would order my cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments.
5. I would know the words which he would answer me, and understand what he would say unto me.
6. Will he plead against me with his great power? No; but he would put strength in me.
7. There the righteous might dispute with him; so should I be delivered for ever from my judge.
8. Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:
9. On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him:
10. But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
11. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.
12. Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food.
13. But he is in one mind, and who can turn him? and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth.
14. For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him.
15. Therefore am I troubled at his presence: when I consider, I am afraid of him.
16. For God maketh my heart soft, and the almighty troubleth me:
17. Because I was not cut off before the darkness, neither hath he covered the darkness from my face.

What's Marked in My Bible, #15

Job 13:15. Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.

Job 13: 23. How many are mine iniquities and sins? make me to know my transgression and my sin.

Here is another of those verses that resulted in a wise saying:

Job 19:20. My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.

And this always gives me a great sense of excitement:

Job 19:5. For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:
26. And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:
27. Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.

Wooooweee!

Calendar Says.... Friday

I thought it would never get here. What a long trying week. A lot going on on the home front and work is hectic. I'm trying to push ahead so I won't come back from vacation to a mound of work.

I'm had a lot of pain this week and I wish there was a solution. I just ache all around my neck and shoulders. Sharp pains that worsen if I turn my head or get in an awkward position for long. Forget looking over my shoulder. I'm using hot stuff on it but it is pretty much useless.

I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning around the property. I must get my energy up so I can accomplish something. The yard is terrible and the house needs as much weeding as the yard. And my garage... doesn't bear thinking about.

I am sitting here not wanting to work. I have found putting up the post of verses I've marked in my Bible has become interesting to me. I remember when I marked some of them, and others I rethink them. And I find the oddities a bit more fun. I'll be posting one about automobiles and one about freeways.... LOL, you'll have to keep reading to find out. Keep in mind that some of these odd verses were shown to me by people long dead. I marked them solely because they were strange.

It is sad how people misjudge the Bible and ignore it. I am not sure why that is. Someone once said a truly educated mind has read all the classics and the Bible. I always thought that was true. The influence of the Bible on history and literature is profound, despite modern efforts to obliterate it from all thought and education.

In my secular college, I took a "Bible as Literature" class (right before my Anthropology class!) and it was such a fun class because we examined it as great literature, not a religious document. There is much of interest in the pages. People were not different then than they are now so you find many similar events happening. And the insight into life and people is profound.

Anyway, I won't convince heathens to read it but I thank them for reading the rest of my blog. LOL, I have friends in many places and not all agree with me on religious matters. I hope they know me well enough to know their faith or lack thereof doesn't make me like them less.

I am going back to work. I need to do two moves and several other items today. Everyone have a great day. I will be back later tonight, I am sure.

What's Marked in My Bible, #14

2 Chronicles 30
17. For there were many in the congregation that were not sanctified: therefore the Levites had the charge of the killing of the passovers for every one that was not clean, to sanctify them unto the Lord.
18. For a multitude of the people, even many of Ephraim, and Manasseh, Issachar, and Zebulun, had not cleansed themselves, yet did they eat the passover otherwise than it was written. But Hezekiah prayed for them, saying, The good Lord pardon every one
19. That prepareth his heart to seek God, the Lord God of his fathers, though he be not cleansed according to the purification of the sanctuary.

Don't know when I found this or what I was studying but it struck me for a particular reason. We presume to tell people the "method" by which they are to be saved. I believe a specific way and I hold fast to that. But, here is a place where there were some in the congregation that were not cleansed according to the required method. The amazing thing is that the penalty for such a thing was death. You could not enter the congregation uncleansed.
Yet, they were allowed in and Hezekiah prayed for their pardon. Verse 20 says that the Lord hearkened to that prayer and healed the people.


Job 2:10. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.

Good and Evil is from God? There is another verse in Psalms that also states this.


This next one is for Jilly: It is the source of a common saying.
Job 3: 25. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

I found the following verses amusing and marked them.

Job 12:1. And Job answered and said,
2. No doubt but ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you.
3. But I have understanding as well as you; I am not inferior to you: yea, who knoweth not such things as these?

Translation: You're the man and when you're dead there won't be anyone with intelligence around to tell us what to do. I'm as smart as you are and I'm as good as you. In fact, everyone knows this stuff!

What's Marked in My Bible, #13

2 Chronicles 7:14. If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

True prosperity is not gained by donations to the right preacher. It is gained by humbling ourselves, prayer, seeking God's face and turning from our wicked ways.

And for those wondering why we have wars...

2 Chronicles 16: 9. For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. Herein thou hast done foolishly: therefore from henceforth thou shalt have wars.

The whole chapter details how Asa had purchased aid in war from other people rather than relying on God to defend Judah. The results of his lack of faith in God is a curse of wars.

Helloooo?


Then along comes Jehoshaphat who saw a great multitude rise against Judah. He "set himself to seek the Lord and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah."

The results?
2 Chronicles 20:7. Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the Lord will be with you.

Not marked but interesting -> verse 30. So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet: for his God gave him rest round about.

What's Marked in My Bible, #13

2 Chronicles 7:14. If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Amen.

Pain, Pain, Go Away....

Don't come again another day.

Nursery rhymes are fun.

What's Marked in My Bible, #12

II Samuel 7:14 I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men:
15. But my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before thee.

A promise of faithfulness.


II Samuel 21:20 And there was yet a battle in Gath, where was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant.

Remember the earlier post about the Nephilim and children of Anak? This is very probably one of their descendants. There are several giants mentioned in this book, all related to one another, brothers I believe.

I Kings 22:21-22 And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, I will persuade him.
22. And the Lord said unto him, Wherewith? And he said, I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And he said, Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so.

God sent lying spirits to stop destroy Ahab.

Pray for My Brother-in-Law

My sister Roselynn emailed me today to say Russell, her husband, is in the Gainsville, Florida burn hospital. He is going to need skin graphs. At this point, I don't know exactly how serious this is. She said they are keeping him sedated when they clean the leg.

You may know that cleaning burned skin is torture for the victim. So sedation is a must. Russell is also diabetic and the risk of infection for a burn in general is high. For a diabetic, it is even higher.

Russell is like one of my brothers and we all love him very much. Please keep him in your prayers for a full recovery. He will have to miss quiet a bit of work because of this and they are worried about money.

I'm sure she will post information on her blog as she has time.

What's Marked in My Bible, #11

1 Samuel 9:9 (Beforetime in Israel, when a man went to inquire of God, thus he spake, Come, and let us go to the seer: for he that is now called a Prophet was beforetime called a Seer.)

Just an interesting verse to me. No special reason.

1 Samuel 10:6 And the Spirit of the Lord will come upon thee, and thou shalt prophesy with them, and shalt be turned into another man.

1 Samuel 15: 22b & 23...Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. 23. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.

1 Samuel 15:29 And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent.

1 Samuel 16:7b . . .for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

I do not think these need explanation but if you have a question, you can ask.I would suggest reading the entire chapter where the verses are found to discover the point. I know the stories and these verses are the whole point of the story.

What's Marked in My Bible, #10

Judges 14:4, 6b, 9

4. But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the Lord, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines: for at that time the Philistines had dominion over Israel.

6b but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.

9. And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.

Again, the whole chapter is a good story. These verses revealed that Sampson plotted the destruction of an entire nation, right down to the woman he knew would betray him. He never told his parents anything about what was going on.

What's Marked in My Bible, #9

Judges 13:18b Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?

I no longer remember why I marked this. I suspect it has something to do with wondering why the angel did not reveal his name to Manoah (father to Sampson). But remember that verse earlier that said the secret things belong to the Lord and the revealed things to us? That might be a clue.