Thursday, June 4, 2009

Gloom, Despair, and Darkness

It is a cloudy day. I think it rained during the night. It was very cold last night for this time of year. A cold front blew in and I imagine that is where the rain came in. Today the sky is overcast and dreary and it is very cool.

I really am in trouble I think. I can't get a handle on this encrouching darkness. Don't say pray about it. I can't pray. When I try I simply fall apart and manage to say "Please help me, God" over and over but that's about all I can manage. I'm taking the St. John's Wort. That will take time to get in my system, as any other medicine. But I am not coping with it at all. I don't really know how. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to or what to say.

I told my aunt that I understood what Hell is. She said, "Well, I know I don't want to go there." I told her I was living there already. Imagine every thing you ever did wrong, every mistake you made, every unkindness, selfishness, meaness, and negative behavior you have ever had rolled over and over in your mind, every day forever. And you can't stop it. You can't fix it. You can't undo it. You can't change it. It can't ever be made right. And you desperately want to fix it. You want to make it right. You want to undo, change, stop it. And you can't. That is Hell. And I live there.

I'm isolated for the most part. I have my children and when they are around, I'm better. But they have to go home. And sometimes I need them to go. I have to have quiet at times, too. My family out of town calls whenever they can. I come to work but the stresses of work are not helping. They are increasing the stress level. I can't take off. I'm already behind from my trip home and that in itself is a stressor.

I realized last night that I have no friends at all here. Not really. My co-workers are all very kind. My boss has really been very. . . well, he's been so good to me about my work and my time.

I haven't been to church in three weeks, I think. It is very hard to go and see the place where I expect to see my husband standing every service and know he is not coming back. My pastor has called each week after I missed on Sunday. He is a very kind. I'm sure my loss reminds him very much of his own.

If it were not for the people on my Multiply contact list, I don't know who I would have any contact with outside of work and my family. Some of you have gone out of your way to try and support me with your notes and email. Some of you chat with me whenever possible. I've found myself online more because of that. Any port in a storm, as they say. I don't want to appear needy but if some of you had not been there things would really be unbearable at home.

Someone sent books on grief that, after reading the first one, I think are very good. They are very short books and don't require a lot of time to read. My friend Reite has received them and she has a write up on her blog from yesterday about the first one. Her mother died just after Jerry did. I started the second one last night but it was very late and I was so depressed I couldn't handle it. Thank you, my sweet friend. I think I know who you are but will respect your desire for anonimity. They're very good books, really. If I can come to grips with things, they probably will be the reason.

I do not think I will go back to church. I've been contemplating that for a couple of days. There are other churches I know nearby and I may visit a few others. I don't know. I do pray about these things and do not make hasty decisions about such things.

I don't know that any of this matters really. At least, I wrote it down instead of bottling it up. I can't very well fall apart at work. I see the counselor tomorrow but I don't really want to see him anymore. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't help. And I just don't care.

The whole idea behind journaling is to say what is in your mind and heart. As I understand it, in the grief process, this is beneficial. I haven't found it terribly so but it does make you feel the way you feel after you've thrown up. Since that's totally gross I'll leave it at that.

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