Sunday, June 7, 2009

When Does It Become Easy

I do wish it would bet easier to go to church. I don't want to go. I have a terrible time getting myself to go. Today, I thought it would be a bit better. I could not get Mike up to go with me and it is a bit better if I don't go along. Although he won't sit with me. He sits in the back. But Becca called and asked if she and Sarah could go with me as David had some kind of stomach upset and couldn't go.

Once there, it was just terrible. I can't think why I thought it would be easier today with someone there. I managed to worship a bit but I can't handle the intensity of the emotions because I feel as if I shall explode in a million pieces. I can't let myself feel or I will end up being carried out.

We were a bit late getting there and so no one spoke to us and as soon as the preaching was over we left. I just didn't want, at that point, to have to say "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

How am I? I'm a mess. What do you think! That is what I want to say but people mean well. You can't insult people if they bother to ask about you. I've found that most people don't like widows. I know they don't because no one will talk to you. They avoid you like the plague in case you start sobbing insanely or fall into a faint. Some people used to come over and shake my hand and say hello. Now, nada for the most part. They don't know what to say so they say nothing and they look the other way. Someone ask me if anyone calls me. I told them no, just my family. They didn't understand that. People are just so stupid. Present company excepted. Did I ever tell you I have no tolerance for stupid?

I manage to cope at work because I'm so busy I don't really have time to think and if I do, I find a way to stop it. But I still have to come home to this empty house. Where I have to find ways to not think.

And the tiredness is another thing. I can't do anything. I'm just plain tired. Exhausted really. I need to do a lot of things around the house but I just find that I have no energy to even move from my chair. I get spurts of energy that allow me to wash dishes or put away a few clothes but it is not unusual to see a week of clean laundry sitting in the basket. I did put it away yesterday, by the way.

Now, I' going to shower. I need to just lie down I think. Maybe I'll go to sleep. I'm missed Jerry all weekend long and I'm really just worn out.

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