Monday, June 8, 2009

Vanity of Vanities and Mad Wanderings

The Bible says it is vain to sit up late and rise early. And pretty stupid, too. Well, it doesn't say that, I did. What a dope I am. Fell into an exhausted sleep around 12:30 last night. Up at 6:30 today. Average for me. I woke up once, maybe an hour or so later, because I thought I heard Jerry breathing. I sat straight up in bed. It was terrible. I could only lie back down with my heart pounding and go back to sleep.

Today, I'm just depressed. I have to go buy something tonight to wear in the pool for that physical therapy tomorrow. I didn't want to come to work today. I wanted to lie down and stay in bed for a few more hours. I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to.

I still haven't bought the laptop. I've looked at several and honestly, I like the Toshiba I tried at my sister's house. My nephew and niece both have one. They worked really well. There is one on sale at Office Depot. I may stop by there after work tonight.

I've just called the funeral home and asked for information on grief support groups. Obviously, I've been looking for support from the wrong people. And I know that I need people to talk to about this.

I sorry if people think I'm being petty by not understanding why people react the way they do or don't to me. I simply state my experience here. I don't justify the lack of action or inaction by anyone. It is what it is... or is not. I do not feel responsible for other people's insensitivity or lack compassion, or emotional handicaps. I'm certainly not able at this point to tell other people what the appropriate behavior is in dealing with grief stricken people. If you have a church with that ministry, wonderful. If you have a circle of friends who are "there" for you, I commend you on your choices. I thought I did, too. I've been mistaken before.

So, I will do what I have always done in every difficult situation in my life. I will take care of it myself. Do I sound angry? Maybe this is the anger phase. I sat home last night and realized how very alone I am. Only when crisis comes do we learn who we are and who actually cares about us. I have wonderful family. We are good people. Not perfect, but we love so clearly. Brothers who call to check on me. Sisters who call. Aunt, uncle,cousins.

I also have a friend at work who keeps tabs on me there. Her son died in September and I went to her home and took food and went the the funeral home and went to lunch with her and let her talk. Long before I needed the same favor. But she has done the same at work for me. Her husband has a serious heart condition and when he had a massive heart attack, I went to the hospital and sat with her for several hours. See, that isn't hard when you care for people. And it didn't inconvenience me.

But I'm hurt but the lack of Christians who think so little of me that they can't be bothered to just call me to say I love, care, appreciate, or am concerned about you. I drive 15 miles one way to church. That isn't far by city standards but when there are at least 5 other churches of my faith within five miles of my home, I think it says something about me. And when the church can't make a call to let those in need know someone is praying, concerned, or just interested in their welfare, that says something about them.

I just wrote four of the following paragraphs in an email to someone who was talking about the different ways people react to the loss of a spouse. It is true that no two people will behave the same way in a given situation.

"Losing a spouse is something I can't begin to describe to anyone. The trauma of losing your spouse is beyond what I could imagine. I lost my Mama when I was 17 and I remember crying for three weeks before she died because I was terrified of losing her. (remember the dream?) Jerry sat with me on dates and let me cry. We married a week after her death and he was there to get me through the worst of it. I thought that event was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't. I thought losing my first child was a horrible thing. I was in a severe depression for three months and considered killing myself. It was terrible but it doesn't compare to this. This literally shatters your life into a million fragments which you have to gather up and put back together. But you can't because some pieces are missing.

How well each person handles that damage can't be predicted. On the outside looking in it may seem that everything is o.k. I told my counselor I was a very good actress. I doubt anyone would know how I'm doing by looking at me unless they know me very well. Most of the time, I hold the facade together.

I see dozens of people a week and I can't just fall apart when the stress is high or when a memory slaps me in the face. I have no choice but to maintain my professional facade 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But as I mentioned, it is exhausting. I've been so tired today that I could hardly get through the day. This is just Monday! I am getting a shower and going to bed as soon as I can.

I suspect that the blow of Mama's death was tempered by Jerry. He held me up, he listened and he was just there. Had that not been the case, I would have fared much worse. She was my best friend and I had no one else to turn to. She was my grandmother and had raised me. My grandfather (Daddy) drank badly. So, my world was literally torn apart with her death. I had no place to go. Jerry kept it together for me.

This time, there is no bonding force, no emotional and moral support, no listening ear, no shoulder to cry on. I'm alone in this. And he was with me even longer than she was. The memories we shared are gone. I can't recover things he remembered that I don't. His perspective of events we both experienced are gone. The smile that said I was beautiful will never greet me again. One can't recover those things and I do not believe you can recover from the loss of them. I may survive, probably will but I will not be who I was. If I say my life is over, it is because it is. Dead and Buried. There is no way to resurrect it."

So, they say rebuild, start over, you're young. Do they really know what 35 years entails? Did I imagine the struggle of learning to live together, compromise, and adjusting to one another philosophies? Building a relationship, laying foundations, establishing a home, a family? Start over? Rebuild? How stupid.

Someone told me that another woman made the following comment, "She's a pretty woman. She'll find someone else." My question to that woman is, "Exactly how much do you love your husband?" Do you even imagine that it is that simple? What makes you think I want another husband?

I don't know where I'm going with this. It started early this morning and is ending at the end of my work day. I think I better stop before I go off the deep end. Pray for me if you do nothing else. I am so thankful for my Multiply friends. You do not know how much. Several of you have sent me PM's today and I thank you. They were much appreciated.

Maybe tomorrow I'll master nice.

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