Wrong Day

I may have to work tomorrow! I reminded my boss I was off and he said he didn't know if he could let me off. There is nothing I can do for this stupid conversion. Everything is behind. Nothing works right. And I do not want to be here. I'm already feeling down and I just want that day away from this place. I had planned to go to the cemetery and take flowers. It will be dark when I get off.

I worked 4 hours three weeks ago and this was to be my day to compensate me. I'm so frustrated I can't even think. Story of my life.

My Friday

Today is My Friday... It's Thursday and when I get off at 5 today I don't have to go back until Monday. And I'm not feeling well this morning.

I didn't go to the Y last night but stayed home. I watched a couple of shows, one on my living room sofa! Did some surfing at the desk but found my back simply would not stand that. Finally, I went to bed and chatted online with Kat a bit. Then, when I turned out the light, I listened to more of the Graveyard Book. It was a particularly long chapter as it turns out, over an hour! I found myself dozing off with about 15-20 minutes left and not wanting to miss any of it or knock my laptop out of bed, I tuned everything off, put all away and tuned out the light. I lay flat and was asleep almost immediately.

This morning, my back feels a bit better. I'm certain the pain is a result of sitting at my desk so much this week. I'm usually like a jack in the box but not this week. I've not had time for anything but data review and that requires sitting, leaned over your desk and looking from the computer to the paper. Horrendous for your entire back. Since I have back problems at times anyway, it is no wonder I'm having pain.

Today, I'll try to get up more but it isn't promising. Now, must run. I've got to get breakfast along the way. I'm still tired. My aunt and uncle should be here this evening sometime. Pray for good traveling weather for them. It is a long trip and this time of year is not predictable.

Oh My Aching.....

Just got in from work and am relaxing on my sofa in the living room. So nice to be unfettered by the desk. It is a bit chilly in here but I have a snuggly if it gets too cool.

I am supposed to go to the Y tonight but my lower back is really killing me. I think it is because I have spent the last several days tied to my desk at work and not getting up and down as much. I've had this kind of flare up before when we had intensive data entry. It is not good for me.Sciatica flares up if I'm not careful. My leg is already feeling a bit of burn down one side.

I'm so tired I really just want to get a hot shower and relax. Of course the pool is warm but not a whole lot. So, still not sure what I'm going to do.

I'm going now and decided what I will do. Maybe if I just lie down for a bit it will stop hurting. Don't know if I'll be back this evening. Depends on how many aches I have by the time I'm done. LOL.

Hump Day Blues

If the early bird gets the worm what does the late bird get? TO SLEEP IN! And I'm just fine with that. That's why they made McDonald's, so you wouldn't have to grubbing for worms.

Yes folks, it is Wednesday. We're half way TO the weekend or we're half way from the weekend. Whatever you choose. It is freezing wherever you are.

I'm on my way out. Supposed to to go the Y tonight but I truly and honestly need to go to bed early. I watched a couple of shows last night from my bed. LOL, and I listened to another chapter of The Graveyard Book. This is a really good book. I'd say adolescence's book but still listening to the author, Neil Gaiman read it, is just wonderful. Lovely British accent and he does the voices really well. If you haven't read this or heard it, you should visit. I listen to a chapter here and there. Listening to two chapters is why I'm tired. I could get the book from the library and read it but as I said, his voice is just made for reading aloud. I suspect he is a very funny man. Here is the link. The Graveyard Book

Simon is quiet, by the way. I've been getting small flashes of stuff but I really need to get on and brainstorm with Kat. It helps tremendously. I think the back story is complete and now I need to move forward.

So, off to work now. I have physical therapy this afternoon. I don't like the person I got on Monday and I will probably have her all week. Next week I shall schedule early again. Just easier that way.

From My Bed to Your Head

Yipee! Dave got the router going and guess what? I'm writing this from my bed! Yes, I am.

Now, I have a back ache. LOL! I"ll be looking for ways to arrange my pillows for maximal comfort. But, I was able to also watch Castle online ... sitting in bed. Ah, I'm content now. I can leave the study once in awhile.

I probably won't sit up so late now either because I can relax and watch movies if I want instead of sitting in a desk chair.

Ok, enough about my laziness.

I'm tired tonight and have to go to bed soon. Actually, I'm feeling better today. But then, we had sun today. When I got to work, I parked facing the sun... well, I do every day but you can't usually see it! Anyway, I sat there with my eyes closed and let it soak into my face for a few minutes. It was so lovely. I am praying for sunshine through Monday. You might toss in your prayers with me.

I'm going now. I should consider turning out the light.

Snow Dust

If Monday dawned darkly, Tuesday has dawned white. I awoke to a layer of snow on the ground and it is bitter cold, 26 degrees. The mercury dropped like lead yesterday and has pushed farther today. It is a biting cold that pinches your extremities.

Went to the Y last night and am a bit sore in some places but not as sore as I usually am from the other things! I was exhausted last night but still got to bed late. I am not so depressed this minutes and if we could get some sun it might help. I do not have much hope there.

Back to work today to try to learn to use this software. We are getting so backed up and it is so overwhelming. I have all these people coming at me for software questions and I can't answer them. LOL, kind of nice to say you'll have to do what I am doing... learn it as you go. They won't. There are about three of us that will be experts in a year but the rest will rely on those three.

I've asked the kids to come over tonight for pizza so I can see Sarah and so Dave can help me connect my router. I really want to be able to sit in bed and surf the internet or sit in the living room. I love my study but I am staying in this room every minute when I am here either watching television or writing or web surfing. If I can vary that a bit it would be nice.

I have not been able to write the last few nights other than getting the back story down for Simon. That fictional fellow has become much quieter since I began to fill in the background. But I want to go back to the story itself. Kat was asking me last night but I seem to be at a . . . well, call it a pause. I had to clarify somethings in my head.

Anyway, headed for work today. Must leave a bit earlier because of the roads. These folks do NOT know how to drive in this and they tend to be reckless. Snow plows? LOL, the city may have two of them. I've never seen them down here and the few times I've seen any on the road they weren't plowing. It isn't that deep, I don't think. The grass, dead though it is, is visible. But I suspect it isn't going anywhere as long at it is this cold. High is expected to be near 30 today.... brrrrrrr!

Toodle Loo!

Into the Dark

Monday dawns darkly. Very phonetic and so true it hurts your eyes. I can't see a way out of this. I've had brief snatches of diversion over the weekend, thank you Doug and Sharon for Sunday afternoon. You've no idea how very much it helped. And Mike for Saturday. And Sarah got in touch with me last night to check on me. Kat chatted with me a bit, too. All people who have given me so much support. All I can do for them is pray God's blessings on them. My thanks is inadequate but sincere.

But at this point it feels very much like a free-fall. Praying doesn't actually help much. Probably not God's fault.

All very a pretty way to I'm in a pit from which I can't get out. I try and think positive. It will pass. It will get better. All those things that Job's comforters said. I don't actually believe it. I feel absolutely sick right down into my soul. And I'm just tired, not so much physically tired but the kind of tired that caves in on you and pushes you into the floor. I don't know how to explain it. Atlas beneath the world. Bigfoot on your back. Mountains falling on you.

But I have to go out into the dark.

So, I'm dressed for work and the clicking of my keyboard are the only sounds in the house. Darkness swallows up everything else.

Five Blinking O'Clock!?

What is THAT about? I woke up. I do not know what woke me. But I woke up. I'm sitting here at seven a.m. getting the directions to Doug's house before I start to get ready for church. I've been working on the back story for Simon since probably 5:30 or 6! My neck doesn't like any of this.

I did try and go back to sleep but it just didn't work. I went to bed probably around 11:30. Can't really remember. I know that at 10:33 p.m. I copied a file to my laptop. I had taken it to bed with me to try and work on these notes but got so sleepy I finally had to stop. And that was probably around 11:30. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep very quickly. I don't have trouble normally falling asleep once I lie down. Just sleeping well and staying that way.

Anyway, I'm going to go in a short while and get my dress on and get this mop of hair up.

Really this is just beyond me. Do you have any idea how very tired I'll be by 6 p.m.?

Mike and I went to lunch yesterday around 12:30 and then to Wal-mart. I had not done any really heavy work that morning. I had simply paid bills and read a bit. During our shopping trip I suddenly felt terrible. I was so tired all of the sudden and I was dizzy. I have no idea why. It came on slowly... I think the dizziness first. I finally had to tell Mike that I had to go home. I just felt so exhausted and unwell. We got the stuff in and sat around for about an hour and watched HULU and then, I took him home and came home myself and got a hot shower. I didn't do anything but read and watch television. Kat came on line at some point, back from her trip. We chatted a bit and then I went to bed.

Still don't know what came over me. It wasn't pleasant but I know if I had been able to lie down I would have gone straight to sleep. I do not know if it may have been something related to the fibromyalgia or something else entirely.

Ok,enough of this. I have to get back to my writing. Hope you all have a good Sunday. They aren't usually very good for me.

Come Fly With Me!

I booked my flight this morning for Florida in April. I am so excited! I will visit my sister Stuck in the Middle for a couple of days. She will get me to Mobile to board for the cruise. I'll be cruising the Gulf of Mexico to Cozumel and the Yucatan for 5 days and then back to Mobile where Stuck will again pick me up and we'll have a couple more days. Then, I'll fly back here. So, two vacations. My sister and I have a good time when we get to be together. I've told her next cruise will be a three sisters cruise.

I got a flight booked right out of my city so I won't have to drive the 2 hours to Louisville. Originally planned it that way but when I saw the price from Louisville it wasn't that much cheaper and a whole lot less convenient. Joy joy for that bit!

Dad called this week to say he had booked us a tour to the Chichen Itza... I believe that is probably right. He actually said he booked a tour for something that sounded like Chickens. LOL, and I guess it does. I studied Latin American Studies for two semesters and Spanish for two years where you also study the history and culture of this area. So I am quite familiar with the geographical area and history. I'm looking forward to having one dream come true. I wanted to go to this area when I was studying it and had hoped take a trip there someday. So you know I'm more than excited!

I've sat here this morning paying bills and arranging flight plans and now I want to get out and find food. I'm probably going to get Mike. He said, "Mom, I'd like to spend time with you today." Which translates, "can we do lunch on your dime?" LOL, I don't mind. He's good company sometimes and when I need him he's there.

I'm going to my friend, Doug's, on Sunday for lunch and to meet his wife and family. I'm looking forward to that. But I've got to get some notes together. I want to also talk to him about Simon. Doug is really good as a sounding board and has given me some good ideas to work with in the past. We love to talk writing.

So, now I'm doing another type of flying. I've got to dress and clean up a bit and then, hit the road. Back later to do some writing. Kat is traveling today to take her daughter back to college so probably won't be talking to her for maybe a day or so. She has a 10 hour drive round trip and she's going to be exhausted. We batted around some ideas last night and I related a bit about Simon's past that "he just told me". LOL, but it was helpful.

Gone for now!

Where's My Worm?

Went to bed around 10:30 but couldn't sleep. Got up made a video that may or may not see daylight. Talked about Simon! Talked about work! Both probably NOT what anyone is interested in. At least Simon is fun.

I'm on my way to PT again. Last one this week. This getting up early IS for the birds! I hate it. Bad enough I have to get up and go to work but to add something to that time is just terrible. I'm tired enough when I get home. I will be taking PT next week in my lunch time or break time if I can. Night is my only time to really sit down and relax. Sometimes it is good; sometimes it is bad. But when I am this tired, it is horrible.

Now, I'm off to find the worm. Nasty old thing. Probably in my office hiding in a computer somewhere!

All Over the World

I was looking at the Accuweather map on my Google home page and the whole country is again covered in clouds. So is Great Britain, Russia and China! South America also has a lot of cloud cover. I don't believe that the whole world is wreathed in heavy cloud cover. What a winter.

But it is warmer...

I stared this blog early this morning and it is still cloudy all over. Rain here all day yesterday, last night, today and tonight.

I'm having a bit of a melt down this evening. Started as I came by the cemetery. Doesn't help that I am simply wiped out. Exhaustion always brings that to the surface. Next week it D-day. My aunt and uncle are coming if the weather permits. If not, Sarah and Kathy from the writer's group say they are my back up plan. I will certainly take them up on it. I'm already feeling the dread.

I met with the Writer's group last night and that was fun but I could see we were all dead on our feet. We laughed and had a good time as we always do but there were these moments when everyone seemed to get quiet. I watch faces and I could see it on each of them. I could feel it on mine. They are such a good group of friends. I'm glad I have them.

Doug arrived early because he works here in town not far from where I live but lives in a neighboring town. So, after he gets off work he either has to stay at work until time for the meeting or find a place to go. He decided to come by early. A couple of the girls have done that once in a while. And I certainly don't mind. Anyway, I answered the door thinking it is one of the kids. I am fully dressed but my hair is in a towel. I screamed and he laughed at me and ask if he should leave and come back later. Of course, I didn't make him do that. And I laughed... while turning beet red. And why! You all know I have no shame about my appearance... I posted those hideous videos of me in curlers and me sick. LOL! Somehow it is a bit different when someone knocks on the door and sees you with a towel wrapped around your head.

So, note to self.... don't wash hair until after the meeting! LOL. The nice thing was that we got to sit and talk about Simon and the story. I got feedback on it. Doug is very good at that sort of thing. And I don't suppose it terrified him too terribly to see me at nearly my worst. Don't know if I mentioned it but he and his wife had invited me to dinner on Sunday. I shall get to meet the mysterious Mrs. Doug and the clan of four.

I'm off now. I'm absolutely exhausted. I noticed just now that the clouds are clearing a bit over the US. Maybe we can have some sunshine for the weekend!

Wednesday's Child

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring.... as all civilized people should be. I'm on my way out to work and it is pouring rain. Finally, a night without a fictional character demanding I listen to what he has to say! After I wrote the last scene it seems he's gone all silent. Probably cleaning up that kitchen..... LOL

I have a new scene started already but will wait for Kat's input. We sort of his a wall... planning next stage. We've got to get to a showdown for these characters if we're to proceed.

Both of us have writer's meetings tonight so I will have a bit of time to think about something other than Simon's demands. I'm guessing the kitchen will keep him busy until Thursday night. By then, we both hope to have woven some sort of coherent thread.

I'm off to work now. Move briefing is my presentation this morning. I AM going to put this on a cd. I figured out a final step in that process a couple of weeks ago and I think I'll work on it again. None of us likes giving the presentation... well, I don't mind but I need a break once in awhile.

Hope you all have a good wet Wednesday. Wherever you are!

Who Is Simon?

Got lots of input on this question today. Cass sent me the name of a person, Kim Philby - big spy guy. As I was listening to a video with Charlie Rose about this guy, I looked over at the side. Went {GASP} I didn't recognize his name, but I knew his face! That was Simon! So, if you want a face to put on Simon, this is as close as it gets. Although Simon's hair is darker and he has sapphire blue, wonderful blue eyes.

Who Simon Resembles

After I researched a bit I realized I have seen him in one movie. Die Another Day... but another Brit in that movie had my eye. Who knew....

So, I'm Working, Right?

You betcha!

And Simon is sitting behind me chatting away. And incidentally, Cass, I think you are right... British. How'd that happen? And who's going to tell me what colloquialism I need to be using. Jilly? Cass? Wendy?

He's well educated... but his accent is only slight...in his job he has to lose it at times. Maybe why I didn't notice it before.

But he's sitting behind me, telling me his story. I'm going crazy cause I really want to leave work and go somewhere and talk to him. He's very interesting. More interesting than this software crap. I just wish he'd stop until I get home so I can be sure I get it all down on paper. I mean, I may forget some of it! And I do NOT want to listen to it again! The man is quite full of himself.

I've got several complements on the story and I think it is just going right to his head. Haven't talked to Kat about her character. A few weeks ago he was talking her head off, too. Note to self.... ask Kat how she got that under control.

Ok, back to the real job. This is how the chat logs Kat and I have been doing go. Wasn't that fun?

Simon... take a hike for about four hours. Then, we'll talk.

So, I'm Sleeping, Right?

I went to bed around midnight. No big deal, really. You know it isn't uncommon for me if you've read, say a dozen of the blogs. I went to church both yesterday morning and last night with a writing spree between. Riete termed it that and it is a very apt term. I've been on a writing spree for weeks now, thanks to . . . well, at first it was Kat. Now, I'm not sure.

For several days, Simon has been in my head.... usually AFTER I go to bed. For the last, oh, two or three nights, as I doze off to sleep he's over here somewhere nattering away. Simon tells me all this stuff. Next morning, I have to jot it down and talk to Kat.

So, last night, I'm sleeping, right? Actually, I lay down and was thinking about the last discussion Kat and I had and I closed my eyes and could feel myself dozing off and Simon said, "You have to write this down. You'll forget it."

I said, "It's one a.m., Simon. I'm in bed. I'm just about to sleep."

He said, "You don't have to work in the morning. You'll be fine."

I lay there a minute, thinking. I CAN remember this.

"No, you won't."

I sat up and tossed back my warm electric blanket. "This is crazy!"

"Take you less than five minutes."

I plod across the hall and turn the computer back on. I wait for Windows to check a thousand switches. Finally, I am able to type an email to Kat hoping that Steph gets it before she writes her next post. The next bit is her's and the information I have is crucial because it is part of what happens.

"There you go. No big deal."

"What if Steph doesn't get it?"

"You'll figure it out."

I consider leaving the computer on. . . just in case. Decided the glow will keep me away and that it isn't going to happen and turn it off. I plod back across the hall, Simon tagging along.

"I'll help you."

"Oh, that's not gonna happen," I said. "I'm going to bed."

He laughs. "Sweet dreams."

Simon is dark. He's the guy everyone loves to hate. I actually like him. . . a lot. I understand him. When you've walked in dark places, the way Simon has, it changes you forever. Not necessarily in a good way but not in all bad ways either.

Sharing a story with someone is very hard. Kat's character - Serge - is a strong character. I termed them the white knight and the dark knight. Seems to fit. Neither is perfect. That's hard, too. Kat can weigh in on her perspective of all this if she likes. We've discussed it, ad nauseam.

But it is hard when you share a story, when you both have to put a part of it in. You have to compromise, give way to the other writer at times, even if you think you're version is better. We sit for hours, unaware of the time a lot, and play a sort of what if game. Serge says/Simon says. We examine and a refine and decide what works for both of us... not for Simon and Serge. If they had their way, they'd both be supermen.

Demanding characters, I've discovered, don't like to give way. Characters have no moral compass so they can get pretty nasty about being relegated to minor or what they consider inferior roles. At least, Simon does. As I said, he's dark and his desire it to hurt those who've hurt him. So, I think it is up to Kat and I to keep the peace, to sort it out and put it all together in a way that makes a good story. As I said, it is hard. I suspect she'll say the same.

Ok, Simon is telling me that I have to get off the blog and listen to him. Actually, there are dishes to wash, a bed to make, and I have to pay bills.

"Hey! Where are you going?" I called to his retreating back.

"I have some things to take care of. Lilac wants to talk to me. Back around bedtime." he calls over his shoulder with a wave.

Sheesh! Do you believe that?

A Sunday.... with Nuts

I'm up and at 'em. Mike called me the moment my clock went off. It was hard to get up but I can't say I'm having a lot of pain at the moment. In fact, pain has not been a major issue except in my arm in the last week. At least, I don't think so. I've been too busy to notice much. And this arm is amazingly better. The miracles of modern medicine!

I did notice that going to the water exercise class helps. I'm not as achy the next day. But the last two weeks were so hectic I don't remember much about them! I may have to read my blog to find out what went on!

Yesterday was spent sitting in a chair and writing. I got up at 10:30 and started and broke only a few times to eat, pick up Mike so he could do laundry, and then take him home. I watched a few television shows and then went back to it.

Speaking of Mike, I may have mentioned at some point that Mike is totally deaf in one ear and doesn't hear well out of the other ear. There is no fix for the deaf ear- nerve deafness. His other ear on a good day is not good and right now he has fluid behind it. The television has to be at a deafening level for him to hear it. most days anyway. So, before he came over I went to CVS pharmacy and bought this $15 Bell & Howell amplifier for him to use. Have you ever given someone a gift of hearing? There is no way to describe their face. He walked to the end of the hall and said, "Wow, Mom! I can hear you down here without you yelling." He sat and watch television at a normal level and I was not a nervous wreck when he left. The batteries are only good for 14 hours of listening so I don't know how much he will use it. He watches t.v. all the time. But I'm probably going to have to get him to an audiologist to do something.

My aunt had called and suggested Jerry's hearing aids and I had forgotten them. Before he died he had one replaced and they were going to replace the other. So I dug them out. The one Mike needs is the broken one but it would have fit perfectly. I can't afford to get aids like that one. Those are $6000 hearing aids the VA provided for him. Even one would be prohibitive. If he lost it I'd probably freak out. So, we have to find another way.

I looked around the house and realized I haven't put laundry away... in over a week. I told you, I was working. Last Sunday was the only day I didn't work and I felt miserable that day. And the rest of the week, well last Monday set the tone as my wedding anniversary rolled in. So, I have to get this mess sorted before Tuesday!

Writer's Meeting is Wednesday night. Doug is supposed to have something ready but I don't know if he will. His schedule seems to have been keeping him overloaded, too. Unless you are someone like John Grisham ... you don't get much writing time.

I'm off to Sunday School. I had hoped I could take Sarah this morning but as per usual, no answer. My day might have been a brighter day.

My depression always lifts with intense writing so I'm not so black today. I'm sure everyone will appreciate that! But I miss taking Sarah to church so much and it always brings sad memories of Jerry weeping over not being able to take her to church. And those things simply can't be borne.

I shall be around this afternoon on the computer so I may pop in. But email always notifies me and so do my messengers. I must not want to lose touch... I have gmail chat, yahoo chat, Windows live chat, and I could turn on the Multiply chat. I turned it off because it kept popping up when people logged in. If it just stayed until someone wanted to talk it would be fine. May try it again to see if it has been improved.

Have a good morning or afternoon, depending on your geography!

Political Commentary from the Right!

Ok, I absolutely love Ray Stevens. Always have. My husband and I had recordings of his songs. We would laugh for hours at his stories set to music. There is one in particular that makes fun of Pentecostals... we laughed at that one too.. we're Pentecostal.

This just came across my email. I laughed and laughed, particularly the Pelosi part. But it is a conservative political statement. Having seen parts of the glorious medical plan and the corrupt methods being used to pass it, it is one I share. Unfortunately, anything you have use bribery to get, can't be good or legal.

So, if you are easily offended at political commentary, DON'T LOOK ETHEL! The one that follows his should please both sides. But there are some curse words in it so it will probably offend we religious types!


See, I've covered everyone!

Friday Nite Light!

I have reached the end. Yes. The very end of a hellacious week. I am exhausted. It isn't over... I'm off on Monday but Tuesday is when the system goes up live and we have to have all our data verified. Like Rome, it isn't going to happen. I suggested to my boss he request they close the department for a week at least to give us the time to fix any problems. He did ask, bless him. We get one day. Idiots.

I sat up until midnight last night having the most fun I've had in a while. I was not sleepy at all because I got soooo pumped by the story we were playing with that I felt high! Seriously! I was writing with my friend and her daughter and we just all got carried away. I was probably feeling the best I've felt in over a year. When I realized what time it as I was astounded and so were they. Even after I went to bed my mind was spinning with ideas.

I have a couple of shows that are up on Hulu and I am going to shower and fix myself a "samwich" (That is for my new friend, Samadri). Maybe have some chips and Coke. I have goodies hidden in a secret place...M & M's. LOL... I'm good for the night.

And I suspect I'll be doing some writing.

Please welcome my new contact, Samadri! I think I'm going to like her.

Thursday with Friday in Sight

I've been scarce this week. The emotional roller coaster has just been too much to cope with and I have done nothing but fictional writing of no great import because that takes me someplace else. I don't want to be here.

As you probably know, Monday was a nightmare.I went home that night and sat in my living room in the dark. I couldn't bear to see the photographs. Once I was able to pull myself up, I went to the Y with my friend Carolyn. It was helpful physically but one always returns to reality. My nightmare simply waited for me. I just had a terrible night. Tuesday I was back at work but not much better and exhausted. I tried to stay out of everyone's way. I had the counselor appointment that evening at 4. I had also arranged to pick up Sarah for the evening.

It was a very stressful meeting after the usual chatting was out of the way. He asked me if I felt relief that I don't have to take care of Jerry anymore. I was horrified! I couldn't believe anyone would even consider that idea. If he'd been bedridden or required special care I might have understood it but I didn't even know he was as sick as he was. I wish I had. I would have done more to take care of him! I told him that was not even something I could consider. I was not relieved of anything. I didn't feel the need to be relieved because Jerry had been so careful to keep it from me. I should have been MORE concerned than I appear to have been. He wasn't well and he was not behaving rationally at the time. He had to have been terrified and feeling so very alone. Relief for me? From what? The only relief I could possible feel is if Jerry were home.

On the way home I conversed with God in the car. I told him I just need to finish this novel... and that I just needed ONE runaway best seller. LOL, it wasn't really funny. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was serious. Now, I must actually make the effort to work hard on it. I'd quite my job move back home.

After the meeting I picked up Sarah and we spent the evening together. I desperately needed to see her. I just wanted to be close to her. She is all that is left. She enjoys time at MawMaw's. Once the phone rang and she is so used to her mother calling. She said, while it was ringing, "I don't want to go home, Mawmaw! I want to stay here." And her parents stopped by to get something for a moment and she told her mother she didn't want to go home. We laughed and told her she didn't have to go home. They picked her up at 9 and by then, she had dozed off on my lap so was ready to go home with no argument.

I tried to stay busy. I chatted on gmail with my friend Kat for a while I think. I don't remember. She chats with me nearly every night and it has helped so much to keep me from thinking about stressful things. We spend most of the time laughing about our stories, discussing what we are working on with our writing, we bat around ideas. She's sent me bits of what she is working on now and it is a good story. And she's listened to my whines, aches, pains and heartaches. All of it helps a lot to keep me focused. I'm somewhere else for those hours. I owe you so much, Kat. I hope I've not kept you from more important things.

But then, on Tuesday anyway, bedtime rolled around and everything just collapsed around me. I simply ran out of whatever strength I'd been using to get to Tuesday night. It was all gone. I felt as if I'd been thrown back 11 months. We won't go into the lying in the dark drowning in my own tears, unable to breath.

Wednesday, was another crazy day at work. We can't work in the new system yet and we can't use the old one. I can't process anything much. I went to the water class after work and then Carolyn and I swam a little afterward. My arm is limiting my ability to swim. I can swim on my back but I have to limit the range of my strokes. When I went home Kat and I chatted a bit and I went to bed. I was exhausted so I vaguely remember the Spanish language cd beginning and not much else.

And here is it Thursday. I had physical therapy this morning at 7:30. Ultrasound treatment on the deltoid and they put some sort of medicated patch on there afterward. It has a battery in it??!! I am to leave it on for 14 hours. She said if it started to itch or burn a little to take it off immediately. She told me another woman didn't and had a blister there. So of course a few minutes after she put it on me it began to itch terribly. I ignored it and it has subsided. But I wonder if I shall have bionic abilities in that arm? Ouch, no, I don't.

I have to say the ultra sound was astounding. I had immediate reduction in one part of my arm. It didn't last but it was nice.

Friday is right there. But I dread having to come to work. I go through these periods where I'm depressed and want to hide out. I need a recharge and if my life were not so complicated, just being alone for a day would help. But it is too complicated, to filled with dark and biting things and stumbling blocks.

My dream would be to find a small cabin somewhere in the woods and write my days away, spend time with my Sarah, and spend time with the friends I've found this year. Life is far to complicated now. It takes so much effort to get up and get through a day in the asylum. I'm tired of it.

The counselor suggested I look for another job. Honestly, there is so much economic benefit from this one, I'm terrified to do that. I could get something much worse without all the perks of this one. And again, my life is too complicated to even know where to begin.

I will leave you here, with Friday in sight. I do now know if I will be back on tonight or later in the week. At the moment, it is so difficult to even know what to say. I want to sleep and wake up somewhere else. Some place warm and happy.

I must say a special thank to samadri. She has not been a contact of mine but is of some of you. For the last year I've received four books about journeying through grief. I mentioned them early on and Riete has also quoted them. She remained anonymous while sending them and only today revealed she was the one who had sent them. I am glad she did it that way and I'm glad I know who was responsible. These have been some of the best material I've been given. And believe me, people give you books on grief. But these were hands down the best and they were short and easy to read. I can't thank you enough, samadri.

I shall be going home in half an hour and I want to just lie down and sleep. I'm so tired. And I do not feel that things are better. I get disgusted with people who smile and say, "You're better." They make me angry. I'm not better. I will never be better. I'm in control. In fact, I am exerting so much self control that I can smile back at you rather than slap your silly face. Life has become something divided up into one hour slots. If I manage to have one or more when I do not feel savaged by some beast, I shall feel very fortunate.

Through the Rabbit Hole

The start of a new week. Our wedding anniversary. It was a Friday when we got married. Marsh land here. Keep walking.

I'm on my way out to the orthopedic doctor's office for them to look at my arm... which has hurt less in the last week. Typical. I have the Y to night. Pool workout unless said doctor say not.

I don't feel well this morning but not sure why. Stomach's a bit rocky. And I'm depressed. Nothing for it. Just close my eyes... don't look.

So, here I go... just like Alice.

Celebrations

Tomorrow is our 36th anniversary, or would have been. It will be the first one I've ever had without hope of ever being able to hug my husband and wish him happy anniversary.

I don't have to buy a card.

No dinner out. We always celebrated special occasions after church on the Sunday nearest his or my birthday or our anniversary by going to his favorite restaurant.

Frozen Stiff

What a morning. It was 7 degrees when I got up.It is now noon and only 14 degrees! It took four hours for the temp to double.

No, I did not go to church. I'm sorry. I wanted to but that is so cold and I simply could not get warm this morning. I finally broke down and jacked the thermostat up above 71! I usually keep it 69 and that, on most days is comfortable. But for the last two weeks or so the cold has been so bad that it simply won't stay warm in here. And when I get cold, things begin to hurt.

I have discovered that the pain is probably worse because the muscles become very rigid with the cold. You all know what that means, Remember standing at the bus stop as a kid, or walking to school when it was cold out and you just felt all stiff. That was the muscles reacting. Lately, that is what happens to me. That's what the term "frozen stiff" means.

When my muscles get like that the pain isn't what I remember from childhood. It is worse. I'm sitting here in a sweat suit, with wool socks on, the heat is going at 72 degrees and I'm chilly. And 72 is not cool by any standards. My hands hurt a bit but my neck, upper back, calves are all stiff and feel cold. Impossible. All I know is they are and that's that. I'm going to find my heavy bathrobe.

So, I'm frozen stiff. I'm not leaving my house until something warms up. So, I've been reading, messing with writing a post to a blog, playing with my movie maker. I learned something helpful about movie maker and can now plan on creating a presentation to use on my job that will make my life easier. Maybe. And I am going to get some stories record for Sarah to hear at home.

So, the next time you hear the term Frozen Stiff, you'll think of me, living in my igloo and blogging while I wait for the Spring Thaw.

Moving the Ice Cream

I'm getting ready to head out to the office for four hours and I'm not looking forward to either proposition. Once I step outside I'll be looking for every possible way to be in the freezer for as short a time as possible.

Remember when I spruced up the kitchen back in the summer? I moved my food freezer to my den/dining room. In the winter, I don't go back there because there is no heat and well, I don't use the freezer anymore except for overflows and ice cream. I also figure the extreme cold will make it work less. It is usually as cold in there as it is outside. But last night when I came home I realized it again! I'm sorry I moved the ice cream. Of course, I've eaten very little these days.

My friend, Just Cassandra wrote this morning that the term "global warming" had been changed to "climate change" so everything can be blamed on it! I realized that in recent days that IS the term they've been using. It was one of those "oh my goodness" moments.

I did NOT get that memo! So, now, every extreme weather event is "climate change". And it is OUR fault. If they're going to change these things, they need to insure that all involved are informed well in advance and prepared. If they had sent me the notice I would have bought mukluks and parkas! I've bought all the wrong stuff. I thought sure I was going to need an umbrella, fans, a very comfortable lounge chair and tall, icy drinks!

I wonder. Does that mean that Al Gore has to make another movie? Oh no. I'll bring in the ice cream when I get back.

The Widow Who Came In from the Cold!

I'm living in Siberia, wading through snow and ice and frigid temperatures, risking my neck each time I step out of the house. I worked all day every day and then spend several hours each evening in the company of friends or family. Tonight. I'm home, still freezing and exhausted. I do not want to do anything but get warm.

It is 18F! WHERE IS GLOBAL WARMING! And has anyone hear about how the entire European continent is frozen to a block of ice? And how about those manatees in Florida! So, global warming is actually the Ice Age?

I just went outside to verify that all the vent openings and the crawlspace opening under the house were covered. They have no covering on them. We put boards up in front of then to keep out wind and animals. I need to take care of it this summer and get more reliable covers. The crawlspace access was covered but the vent on each end of the house had come uncovered. I found boards that would work and covered them up. My pipes will freeze if the power goes out so I have to insure the heat that passes through the duct work also keeps underneath the house warm.

Now, I'm going to get a very hot shower and put on my sweatsuit and wool socks! Then, I'm getting me a hug in a mug. I need it tonight.

The next "first" is Monday, January 11th. I married Jerry 36 years ago on that date at 7 p.m. It was a warm, sunny day in Andalusia, Alabama. I remember that. Sun was shinning in my bedroom window and they wouldn't let me sit down because it might wrinkle my dress. LOL, it was a white polyester knit! We lived next door to our church. I walked to the church and my dress had short sleeves. We went to Panama City, Florida that night and had a weekend honeymoon on the beach... well, not ON the beach. It was too cold for that on the beach front. We stayed in our hotel room, going out the next day for breakfast and shopping and washing the junk off the car. I don't remember much else. We went home on Sunday morning. Jerry could have told you ever single detail of those days. He never forgot things like that. I seem to have done so.

We're Off to see... Oh, Wrong Song

YMCA! It's fun to stay at the . . .Did we really love this song? LOL, I did. Who knew they were gay! Just read that only the cowboy and indian were gay in the original group.



So, I'm going to the Y tonight for a hydrobics class. Basically, water aerobics. Don't know that I'll be able to post when I return. I'll let you know.

Pain is still not good and work was a nightmare. Everyone stayed away for two weeks and descended on us today. We weren't closed, mind you, just limited staff and fewer days. Well, one can only hope tomorrow will be better. If I could just get through the day and not be so tired. I really don't want to go to the Y tonight. I want to lie down.

So, off to get changed and head out. May be back later.

Tales in the Dark

"What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light" (Matt. 10:27).

The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rung and it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still, I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.

January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.

That second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.

I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.

Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.

Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.

As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.

Bells and Voices

So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.

However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.

I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?

As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.

"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12

"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22

"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12

"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2

In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.

Fire And Smoke

The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.

To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.

"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20

This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they weren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.

"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11

"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22

Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.

Down A Dark Road

Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.

"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9

It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11

"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9


Trouble in the Dark

Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?

"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8

"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6

"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26

WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why would he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.

"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22

"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3

"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22

There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.

"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2

"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8

Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?

I can.

After You've Taken the Pill

I was doing some research on my muscle pain and decided to run it as a connection to Lipitor. My pain is very bad today. I found a lot of hits with Google. The consensus for recovery for Lipitor induced problems is not known and is not good. But this page gives a lot of insight to possible alternatives to Lipitor and possibly other cholesterol lowering medications.

Lipitor, Neuromuscular Degeneration, and Recovery

Link

Of course, before you make any changes to any medications you are taking, you should consult your doctors. They need to know what you are taking or not taking in the event of an emergency. What I am telling you here, is what I do for me. What you do must be based on your own findings, not mine. I am extremely cautions and demand facts to support my care. My doctors get annoyed with me very quickly. But I'm paying them.

Do not assume that your doctor knows what every pill will do to you. Listen to your body. Pay attention to symptoms. Most importantly and it should probably be placed a the top of any list: READ THE INSERT. There is vital information on the inserts. That is why they are printed in very small print. They have to disclose the side effects and uses of the medicine. But they don't have to make it understandable or easy to read. You defeat this misdirection by looking anyway or elsewhere.

If you are reading this post, you have one of the greatest inventions for gathering information, true and false information. If you have internet, it should become a vital part of your medical kit. Look up every pill you take - before you take it. You will find websites designed simply to describe a medicine's uses, dosages, and side effects in an easy to read format. They offer, not advice, just facts on what you put in your mouth. No all sites can be trusted where advice is concerned, so you must search carefully. My counselor did not know that a medicine I've been taking 20 years was even sold in the dosage I take. I take 10 mg. He looked it up in something he uses to prescribe it for depression. The lowest dosage was 300 mg! He said it it wasn't sold in 10 mg and wouldn't be effective for depression. He's wrong on both counts. Sincere, but wrong.

Read the comments of other readers. They have the problems you have. You will learn a lot from the readers.

Read more than one source. Multiple sources help you fine tune your information, weed out the crazy stuff. It's out there.

Ask your pharmacist for information. Some are very helpful, particularly if you are a regular. Change pharmacies if they are rude and unhelpful. Some pharmacies give you a easy to understand print-out describing your medicines. You usually toss them. How many of you have read the whole print out? How many have stopped after your read what you are supposed to take? Hmmm, read it.

Do not assume your doctor knows how the medicine he is giving you will affect you. He will NOT know the side-effects. He will only know what it is used to treat. Ask your doctor. Believe me, I know this. Usually they will say, "Nothing you need to worry about." And they will recite the most banal side effects on the list because that is the ones listed first and repeated the most often and like you, they don't read the inserts either. Want proof?

My rheumatologist suggested I take Glucosamine Chondroitin for my joints. It is true that research has shown it to be fairly effective in the treatment of arthritis and joint pain related to cartilage loss. However, I had done a LOT of research on nutritional supplements years ago when I had problems with depression. I had even taken the supplement because I had some minor knee pains they said was probably early arthritis (aerobics will do that to you). I took it about a year, until I found one tiny fact in a book I happened to pick up on supplements.

Glucosamine increases blood sugar levels. For anyone prone to or actively diabetic, this is bad. Since I was predisposed genetically I stopped taking it. I wasn't diagnosed with a blood sugar disorder at that time. I just felt it best not to tamper with it. I had taken it for months and stopped because it didn't work!

So, when my Rheumatologist suggested it I told her this. She was surprised and said she didn't know where I heard this but that she didn't think it was accurate. She asked me where I got the information but obviously I didn't have it with me. Anyway, she handed me a leaflet and said to read that and try the supplement. I said I would.

I went home and sat down to read her leaflet, most of which I already knew anyway. Then, on the second page, at the bottom in a paragraph, guess what I found?

YES. Glucosomine was found to increase blood sugar levels and was not recommended for diabetics or those with metabolic disorders. And just today, I ran across more information that suggest more severe side effects. But one source won't do. I don't have to look it up because I don't take this but if you do, look it up.

Now, if she had read her own informational packet, she would have known what I knew. She was so certain of her own knowledge that she insisted I take a pill she knew about only through word of mouth. Because that is what she based her suggestion on. She "heard" it was beneficial. And it may be for some people! But there is always a double edged sword to anything you put in your mouth.

How do you think doctors learned to treat your illnesses? They are not born with this knowledge. The read it. They read tons of material on every disease and illness they intend to treat. Thousands! They can't retain all that information. Often after getting your test results they may actually refer to some text to find the most appropriate and most accepted treatment. And they will call you with any changes in their treatment! Drug companies are sending them their information, their studies... and it may not be accurate as we all learned with Vioxx - the best medicine I ever took for my arthritis pain. They may be reading these or they may accept that what the company says is gospel. You won't know. I am a firm believer that to stay alive, as healthy as possible, you have to get actively involved learning about what is good for you, what is wrong with you, what is prescribed for you, and what you can do naturally to help yourself.

You should have seen my doctor's face freeze when I refused the flu shot. He was quick to point out it was a regular flu shot, not the H1N1. He's heard the hype. What he didn't know was I've been reading about the effects of mercury on people with muscle problems. Every vaccine you take has a mercury base. Children now receive over 39 vaccines before they are five! Mercury is poison, deadly poison. I'm not saying don't vaccinate, I'm saying find the truth before you put a needle in someone's arm.

I never ever got flu shots until I went to work. Now, I have lots of muscle problems and pain problems which might be linked to things I've been given since I went to work - flu shots and Lipitor.

I'm on a mission. My gut says the Lipitor is the culprit. But I want the pain to stop and I'm not taking another thing that is related to that problem until I can sort it out. I may never sort it out. I just don't intend to take things to make it harder for me.

So, I'm going to go back and read up on my Vitamin C information. The site above suggest it may help with the damage caused by Lipitor. But it may not. But it also said it will help lower cholesterol naturally. I am aware that high levels of Vitamin C are toxic. So caution is essential here. Old research never goes away. But new research is always happening. So,I'll be looking for other resources to give me new information. New discoveries are released every day... some are good news, many are very bad news. You don't usually know until after you've taken the pill.

To The Pain

That's what Wesley says in The Princess Bride when he challenges the Prince to duel. Not to the death, but to the pain. Then he recites all the horrible things that will result from this. Before he is done, you figure death is preferable.

I woke up in agony. Seriously. I could barely use my arm. My shoulder and neck hurt. Both calves. My hand felt crushed in a vice. I do not remember this much pain in forever. I am supposed to see my rheumatologist Feb 2. but you watch. Pain will be minor by then. She can't help me anyway.

I've had a cup of coffee. I've been checking out your blogs. Nancy PM'd me about that woman who is posting her photo all over the place. She wanted to know how to delete it. I told her. Then, I remembered seeing that on one of my posts and had to find it.

The sun is again shining. But it is so cold, 12 degrees, that I wouldn't dare go out there. Or maybe. . . {looks toward the window in her study} nah, I don't think so.

I'm going to sit here and write. I'm thinking about working on Hidden in the Mist. I haven't heard from Alice in ages she hasn't responded to my messages. Kind of worried there.

Or if I do go out, it will be to see Sherlock Holmes. That's the ticket. . . well, I have to purchase it. . . this isn't going well. Need more coffee and food.

Everyone raise you glass or cup. Now, TO THE PAIN!

Sunshine Overhead, Dark Clouds on the Horizon

The sky is an icy blue and the sun is sliding through it the way a hot knife slices butter. It is 20 degrees! Ten o'clock is gone and eleven just got here. I got up around 8:00 a.m. and I didn't go to bed until 2:00 a.m. Not sure it is enough but I didn't want to waste it in bed. Besides, the neck and shoulder were screaming for me to get off them. So, I did.

I'm sitting here in sweatsuit and house shoes with my hair twisted in a banana clip... looks more like bear claws to me but they call them banana clips. Why? Combs joined by a spring. Go figure.

My house is very quiet. I've read my Bible this morning. Prayed. Am working on my second cup of coffee, eating pancakes and sausage on a stick... like a corn dog but different. I had two with sugar-free syrup.

I've been trying to get around to reading everyone's blogs. That panorama feature works well for that. But I still like going to the blog directly now and then, to see what designs everyone is using.

I just learned a neat little trick in Firefox. If you hold down the shift key and roll your mouse wheel it will take you either back to the page you were on before or forward to one you were on before you went back! Found it by accident! I knew that if you hold the ctrl key down and use the wheel it increases or decreases the screen fonts in Firefox but this shift key thing is new. Neat.

So, what's on the timetable? Nothing. I look around and see things I should do. I don't want to. I'm finding there is little motivation to do much of anything anymore. I just don't want to do anything. I always has a partner to do the things around here. I had some hobbies of my own, crochet, sewing, writing, reading but everything else was a joint effort. If the house needed cleaning most of the time, I had help. If something needed repair, we did it together. If I wanted to rearrange things, I had help. If I wanted to clean out a closet or cabinet, I had help, maybe just with the lifting and checking to see that I wasn't tossing something important. But there was that other person who makes any task or journey easier.

In the last two years I was doing more and more alone, blissfully unaware of any reason for it, and I hated it. Things began to not get done. I got angry and fussed all the time about it. To no avail. I never got an explanation for it. I remember telling him one night that it felt like I was living with a roommate because he was never "there". He looked stunned but I don't remember him saying much. I was a nasty bitch a lot of that time.

I just sit here now and look around me and think, that needs repair. No strength in my left arm means I'm not going to try and pick it up, move it, or anything that will move the deltoid muscle, the one on the back of your upper arm. Just in case you think it isn't much use, think again. That's the one that, if you use it enough, you won't have flabby upper arms. Yeah, that one. You use it for virtually EVERY motion you make, except lifting your arm straight ahead and straight behind you...both pretty worthless motions for day to day activities.

Lift your arm straight out to the side, palm facing down, level with your shoulder. I can't do that. I get my palm about a foot from my thigh and then someone stabs me with a butcher knife or meat cleaver. I can't go to a drive-thru at the bank or pharmacy and use the slide out drawers or automated tellers. I can't prop my arm on anything shoulder height. Can't carry a purse or lift a box down form a shelf. Anything overhead is almost impossible, even hanging a shower curtain.

And forget carrying anything over a pound for more than a few minutes. That muscle is what allows you to carry anything heavy. It takes the brunt of the weight when you carry a piece of luggage or handbag by your side.

So, if the elves don't do it, it probably won't get done. Actually, I've done a few things I realized later I shouldn't but I can't let stuff just lie around forever. I try and find a way to get things down from shelves that won't leave me in the floor or doubled over clutching my arm.

Now that I have ragaled you with my woes and observation and played the old lady by reciting my ills I will leave you. I hope your New Year is way better than my old one. Gee, I hope my New Year is better than my old one! I hope this first day of this new year finds you with people you love. Remember the ten foot rule... all you truly care about is within ten feet of you. Hold on tight. My computer is a bit bulky but it's warm.

Happy New Year......

2010 has arrived. I saw it arrive alone. I suspect, if I live long enough, there will be many more I see arrive, alone. I should have gone to bed and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I didn't

I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.

I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.

First Laugh of the Morning

I opened my email this morning to find this. I found it truly funny.

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

Four Days of . . .?

Good question. I have planned to have the kids over tomorrow night for pizza and to see the new year in. But after that, I really want to just do my own thing. I want to work in my edit job and maybe write some other things.

But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.

So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.

I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.

I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.

Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.

Long Dark Night

I don't understand sometimes why breathing seems such a chore. Why is waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult? There is an expression that came to my mind while I was writing that: the long dark night of the soul. I looked it up. Although I've heard it for years, I realized that I didn't really understand what it meant. I do now.

There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)

I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.

I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.

I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).

A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.

But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.

Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.

The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.

Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.

Monday Morning Yuck

Gray skies, nothing but gray skies do I see!

Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?

It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.

I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.

I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.

I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!

Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.

I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.

Catching Up With Myself

Sunday, last day of vacation! Whew! That was waaayyyy too fast.

I'm about to leave to pick up Mike and head off to church. I almost did not go this morning. Neck, hands, and BOTH calf muscles are hurting. The calf muscles hurt yesterday but today I think they are a bit worse. I haven't really had pain in the left one much before but today they're a match. Got a headache, too.

Tried to call to see if I could take Sarah to church. No answer. Surprise. Why do I even bother? Because I am accountable if I don't at least try.

Sorry, not going there this morning. I can't handle it.

Last night I took my laptop to bed and watched the first Lord of the Rings while lying in the comfort and warmth of my bed. That was really NICE! I do not have a television in my bedroom. I think it is a terrible idea. I have sleep problems anyway and that will only add to them. I was up until 2 a.m. watching them. I have been up since 8 a.m. this morning. I've stopped worrying about getting enough sleep. I am taking my meds regularly, although two night I didn't take the muscle relaxant... (could be why the calves are hurting). I was very late getting to bed those night and don't like to take it after 10 p.m. However, I also went and bought my melatonin. I had run out a few weeks ago and just have not remembered to get it.

I was getting all the supplements I take and Mike looked at my basket and said, "MOM! What is all that?" I told him I have to take it all. There was Super B complex, melantonin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Chromium Picolante, milk thistle, and vitamine E. I told him that wasn't all I take either and did not include prescription meds.

I talked with my friend in Michigan last night, the one whose daughter has not been well. He said she is going to have to stay with him and drop out of school here. I think that is a good thing. She needs to be with family for support. There was too much pressure here.

It is very odd really that call. I was on my way home from Mike's and had picked up my cell phone to call Mike about something I forgot to tell him. While it was ringing something said Call R--- R----. It was so strong that I forgot why I was calling Mike and hung up. I drove a few blocks and finally decided that was a instruction that demanded attention. I thought about waiting until I got home and finish calling Mike. But the reason I was calling Mike was totally gone. My phone rang and it was Mike wanting to know why I hung up before he could answer. I told him I forgot why I was calling. I told him I'd call back. Then I immediately tried my friend's number and no answer. I left a message to say I was just checking up on them to see that all was going well and if his daughter was doing better.

I went home and about half an hour later I got a call. It was my friend. He had got my message. I told him why I was calling and asked how things were going. He said, "Well, when you called we were having a discussion and that's why I couldn't answer. I can't believe the timing of your call! It's amazing." I told him about my "orders" and that I usually try and follow them. He told me he was glad I did.

Apparently, the discussion was about things they had not said to one another and was emotioinal for both of them but he felt they had begun to work some things out. He wanted to talk a bit about it. So we did. When we hung up I was glad I had called, too. It was apparent that things were looking better for them and I was relieved. I think he was relieved to share the load a bit. But that's what friends are for.

And now, I must get to church! Mike will be having a cow.

Merry Christmas - Video Introduction

My Bow (and Tree) To the Season

That Bow in the title is how you great a dignitary. But I have a bow on my door at home and a tree on Multiply. See above. Isn't English weird?

I do now wish to celebrate as I've said before. I bought the bow from a girl at work who makes them and taped it to my front door. I'll have to take a photo of it. It really is lovely. I have a Santa on my coffee table. And today, I put up the tree... on Multiply. Lovely blue lights.

Currently, it is a bright.... scratch that. It is a dark gloomy day. I don't believe I've ever seen as much cloud cover in my life as I have this winter! It is unreal. Not much snow, some rain, and lots of darkness. I thought we were going to fry and instead, we will die from lack of sunlight!

I forgot to get my vitamins and have to go to the store today and pick them up. They increased my Vitamin D from 2000 units to 3000. Well, with no sunlight I can't expect much help.

I'm depressed and have a headache today. I took the wrong meds this morning. I took the ones I usually take at night. I have a pill minder but I have done this a couple of times. I was distracted and not thinking.

For the most part, it isn't serious but I have to figure it out because it could be if my meds were more serious meds. I take two meds both morning and night and they are probably the most risky. So that's fine. But I don't take my fluid pill at night and I don't take metformin (diabetic med) at night. So, I had to go take those. I take a different BP med at night from in the mornings so, that could be a potential problem and I'll call the pharmacy about it. Could be where my headache is from. The only remaining pill is the muscle relaxant. I only take it at night although it is prescribed for 3x a day. It won't hurt me except at some point I expect to be sleepy.

A l little excitement arrived today. I stopped posting this long enough to go check my mail at the front desk this morning. I had a card from someone. I thought it was Jilly because of the postmark and wondered why she'd send me a second Christmas card at this address since she already sent me one at home. It wasn't from Jilly. I opened it in the front office and was showered with stars... and hearts, and snowflakes, and glittery wreaths. I laughed and said, "KATEY!" I had just read Riete's blog this morning and remembered Katey's blog a week or so ago. Yes, she sent me glitter. It was so funny. I went to show a friend, sharing a small bit of my glitter on her desk. She smiled and grabbed it up saying, "Its pink! I have to keep it." Everything in her office is pink.

So, Katey, thank you for the sparkly card and the stars. I like getting cards at work now and then. I'm here all day and it is a bright spot in my day. Everyone wonders who they are from. I get to say things like "My friend on my blog." or " My friend in England." They ALWAYS say, "REALLY?" And I get them at home too so I have had nice things waiting for me after work.

Lisa, I got your card and the CD but don't know if I told you. I forget sometimes. I love guitar music and so it was perfect. It will be playing this week at home. I still have last year's, too. I like playing holiday music.

Thank you all who have sent a card or gift. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I always liked getting Christmas cards but this year they have meant so much more to me than usual. To know you thought of me and took the time to tell me had been so lovely. I always try and send cards out but this year I just didn't even think about it so I apologize for not sending any in return. BUT I've written down all the addresses! So, I hope next year will be more cheerful and I will be able to send out lots of cards.

I have to go to lunch now. I've taken several hours to compile this. A break here and there. Good thing there is a draft feature to Multiply. If I don't talk to you all before Christmas Day, I hope it is a lovely one for every one of you. I probably will be here. You know I'm here all the time!

Late Night

They admitted Sarah to the hospital. She's on an IV and poor little thing is so sick. I got there and she opened her eyes and asked me to hold her. I sat with her on my lap, her arm splinted for the IV, for over an hour. Her fever went up and they came to give her medicine for that and I fed her ice. Then, she went to sleep and I put her to bed. They have been at the hospital all day long. Please God, I do not want this stuff. AS I was leaving I saw a young girl, about 13 or 14, sitting in the treatment room vomiting. The place was filled with people vomiting. Lucky me.

So, I just got home. David (Sarah's daddy) was in the ER for the same bug. Vomiting and fever. Becca is sick and vomiting and has to stay with Sarah tonight. I felt bad for her. I don't know what to do. There isn't anyone else who can do it. I have to work in the a.m. but I don't know how Becca is going to rest and look out for that baby. David was seen and will stay with her. He felt a bit better only because they gave him zofran. But he can't buy the script for it since he has no money and no insurance and no job. I sure can't pay for it either. It is nearly $100 a pill.

Of course, we know that Obama is going to fix all this. Everyone will be given all the medicine they need. When they need it. FREE medical care for all. Since I don't believe ANYTHING on the planet is free, I wonder who will pay for it?

Anyway, they are all at the hospital spending the night. We tried to get Becca to go through the ER but she said she wasn't spending $10,000 to get a shot of zofran and a bottle of salt water. She went and bought gatorade and will try and make it through the night on her own. At least she is in the hospital. Although, they won't help her unless she goes through the ER.

If you pray, you might say a pray or three for them all.

It's Snowing In S. Indiana

Snow is finally falling. Rather large flakes. I don't think it will stay because it just isn't cold enough. And I don't think the system is large enough to drop much snow. We'll see.

They've had Sarah at the E. R. twice today. The second time was because she was still vomiting and she couldn't keep the medicine down that kept her from vomiting. They have given her an IV to get fluids in her but I don't know if they will keep her or not.

Going to shower now.

Saturday Snow

I just got in from church. We had our Christmas play. It was quite amusing. A man in our church always writes the play. This year he based it on A Wonderful Life. It was very good and hysterically funny in places. People were laughing all over so it was a good time.

It is snowing. Tiny, wet flakes that aren't sticking to the ground are swirling around an covering things. It has been cold enough here to make it stick. The ground has not frozen this season so until that happens, I don't look for any snow to stick. Fine by me.

I bought myself a pretty today. A new quilt and shams for my bed.


Once it was on the bed, I was so excited and I realized that my rug that I had bought went perfectly with the spread! Don't mind the blue blanket hanging down. I'm going to get a cream colored one so it blends better. I will buy a bed skirt in the summer perhaps, when the blankets come off.


Later, I went shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond looking for a bed table. You know, the kind that you can have breakfast in beds with. I found curtains I think would be perfect in with it. The picture of the online isn't as pretty as the curtains because you can't see the detail. They are room darkening and lined with a fleece for warmth. They are burgundy silk with gold flowers embroidered. They have a pair the color of the rug and quilt but I think too much of that light color will make the room a bit dull. I love rich tones like those in the prints. '


Now I just have to paint it all. I'm quite excited about it. Of course the curtains will cost me the earth. If I buy them I'll spend over $150 for two windows! That's obscene. But I could see it in my head! Now for a wall color. I'm thinking the dark gold in the curtain embroidery and the background of the rug.

Vindication?

I love it when I'm right. I thought I'd post this since I made a statement a few days ago about listing to my Spanish tapes when I am sleeping. I should have asked for a grant when I was in college to fund MY study.

I hope you can read the article. I get emails from the Mercola site and that is where it came from. I've posted some of the content below the link. He gives comments after the short article but I didn't copy those.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/17/Sounds-During-Sleep-Can-Boost-Your-Memory.aspx

Sounds During Sleep Can Boost Your Memory

Posted by: Dr. Mercola
December 17 2009 | 30,626 views

A new study about a different kind of audio approach during sleep gives insight into how the sleeping brain works, and may eventually come in handy to people studying a language, cramming for a test or memorizing lines in a play.

Scientists at Northwestern University reported that playing specific sounds while people slept helped them remember more of what they had learned before they fell sleep, to the point where memories of individual facts were enhanced.

Researchers taught people to move 50 pictures to their correct locations on a computer screen. Each picture was accompanied by a related sound, like a meow for a cat and whirring for a helicopter.

Then, 12 subjects took a nap, during which 25 of the sounds were played along with white noise. When they awoke, none realized that the sounds had been played or could guess which ones had been used. Yet almost all remembered more precisely the computer locations of the pictures associated with the 25 sounds that had been played while they slept, doing less well placing the other 25 pictures.

The study adds a dimension to a theory that sleep allows the brain to process and consolidate memories.