It was a rather simple explanation when
I began. I was updating a profile. I think profiles are rather boring
for the most part but sometimes you run across one that is just
amazing to read. I decided I needed to update my profile on Blogger
since it is now linked with G+. I'm on the internet in various places
and my profile is one of the typical profiles... rather boring. I
think I wanted to be someone exciting and special. You see, I'm not
important. I've made no earth shattering discoveries. I'm not a movie
star, sports figure, or Nobel prize winning writer. I am Mertice's
girl; Jerry's wife and widow; Mike & Dave's mom; Sarah's Mawmaw.
I mean something to them but half of them are dead. All are noble
things to be but they just aren't. . . special.
So, I began to write a new profile and
found myself totally stumped. I reread the old one and yes, that was
me. . . the one who died when the world turned upside down and she
fell off. I realized that I no longer resembled that person much, at
least in my own mind and that if I was really honest, I don't really
know who I am anymore. Kind of makes it hard to create an accurate
profile. What could I say about who and what and why I am? I didn't
know. So I sent out this email. “I need one word you'd use to
describe me.” I figured I'd get something to string together and
make it sound . . . well. . . special.
I emailed 18 people asking them to
describe me in one word. Nothing more that that. These were people
who know me to varying degrees and the time spans vary. Some hold
degrees, some don't. Some are Christians, some don't even believe in
the man in the moon. Of those not related to me, I've met about half
face to face and the others, I've never met at all but I have held
long conversations with them, a few well into the darkest hours of
the night during the worst days I've ever lived.
One by one the responses came in. Of
course, with the responses came the inevitable question: What is this
for? I decided I'd let them know when I figured it out.
I received ten responses to my query
and the order was fairly predictable but I won't identify anyone.
They will know what their responses were and that's all that matters.
They all sort of astounded me in one sense. They flattered me. That
wasn't my intention at all. Hold on before you go making assumptions.
I didn't say they were all intended to flatter me. Some words
were picked because that is how some people view me and it is in a
negative light. Yes, they're friends. No, it doesn't bother me. You
see, I don't think I can really know me until I know how others see
me. I know that how some people see me isn't always truth but
sometimes it is and in both cases who I am is revealed.
So, I'm getting these words. The thing
is, I'm an avid word hound. From the time I was a small child I loved
looking up the meanings of words. I mean, you think you know what
something means but have you really looked it up . . . in a really
big dictionary? When I was seven or eight years old, my mama bought
this huge dictionary. It was my most favorite book in the whole world
and I used it faithfully. I've never lost a love for huge
dictionaries. My current one probably weighs a good twelve pounds. It
is a library dictionary – even more huge. As the responses came in,
I looked up every one and their meanings. I reasoned that
I'd get a broad idea of what they were saying and thinking if I had
the definitions.
I must have been right because I
clearly saw myself in what they gave me. I don't deny it. I doubt
everyone will agree, but that's all right. That's who they are. I
share these with you because this is who I am.
A
very old friend, 20 years, sent me the very first word, and I wasn't
surprised by the timing nor the word. PROVINCIAL: not a
nice word in itself, if you think too much about it. In this case the first definition was “narrow” meaning I'm narrow minded. But I
never settle for one definition. I discovered I am very provincial.
You see, I am “lacking the polish of urban society;
unsophisticated.” And am I thankful that I do not reflect the
current society and its version of sophistication and broad
mindedness. It reeks of vanity, self-indulgence, and pettiness. It is
also fairly obscene and totally lacking in character. There was a
third entry for provincial: “of or relating to a decorative style
(as in furniture) marked by simplicity, informality, and relative
plainness”. I'm pretty certain this paints a good picture of my
taste, morals, and ethics. And for those who've visited my home... a
pretty accurate description of the house. Probably describes how I
dress, too!
A relative sent me UNIQUE: “being
the only one; sole; being without a like or equal; unequaled
distinctively characteristic; peculiar; unusual”. Although I never
considered myself unique in any way, she's probably right. I didn't
know she thought that way about me. In light of this experiment I'm
more inclined to agree now. Its a good thing.
The next response came from someone
I've only known about a year, one of my NaNo group. SINCERE:
free of dissimulation; honest; pure; marked by genuineness;
true”. I have to admit here that I'm flattered. The truth is, I
have a great desire to always be sincere. I don't like prevarication
and dissimulation. I want the person you see to be the person I
really am. Well, maybe its working.
One of my best never met friends called
me CHALLENGING: “arousing
competitive interest, thought, or action; invitingly provocative,
fascinating”. We exchange some very interesting thoughts and ideas.
She's wonderful, smart lady. Challenging isn't something I've ever
seen in me but the concept made me smile. Bear in mind I've been
called difficult by some... just saying.
I have several never met friends and
this is one who has followed my trials and who's own life is filled
with painful difficulties. She sent me the word ENDURE.
It is a transitive verb and means “to undergo (as a
hardship) especially without giving in, suffer; to regard with
acceptance or tolerance”. There are times I'd rather not wear this
word but when I looked it up, it gave me something. Courage, I think.
Another never met friend said I was
SEARCHING. We've only known
each other about a year but her word gave me pause. She's a smart
woman and she's picked up on a lot in a short time. “To look
or inquire carefully; to make painstaking investigation or
examination.” Sometimes those who know you least, know you best?
Maybe I'm just nosey? Nah, searching is good.
The next email was from a friend who
also helped me get through the dark times. They sent me OPINIONATED.
Its a lovely word, one people love to toss around, particularly
opinionated people! I must say here that it is a badge I wear with
honor. “Unduly adhering to one's own opinion or to preconceived
notions.” If you truly believe in something, you don't let go no
matter what the rest of the world thinks about you. No, I'm not
changing. I don't expect anyone else to change either. After all,
everyone has an opinion they think is superior.
I have a friend who's sister died,
maybe a year before Jerry. Both she and her sister were never met
friends, both wonderful Southern gals. I don't even know HOW we met!
We all three chatted online regularly for at least a year when her
sister died of cancer. I hope I was there for her, even at a
distance. When Jerry died, she was definitely there for me. I built a
whole farm on Farm Town with her as my neighbor and wrote about 50
chapters in Hidden in the Mist! All because of her poking and
prodding me. We talked for hours. She saved my sanity. She sent the
word ECLECTIC. I have to be
truthful here. I would have looked this up even if I hadn't looked up
the others. I didn't really know what it meant, even though I thought
I did. I was sort of surprised. “Selecting what appears to
be best in various doctrines, methods, or styles; composed of
elements drawn from various sources; also heterogeneous” Hmmm,
well, I like it. Totally opposite of opinionated but there ya go!
Still, it summed up a lot of the other words nicely.
I actually laughed out loud when the
next email came in. The word was INDOMITABLE: “incapable of
being subdued, unconquerable”. I could say the same about the
person who sent it. I think that is why we've become friends, we
share this same characteristic and it is what allows us to engage in
lively conversations in G+ hangouts and via emails. . . sometimes up
to a dozen in a day! Molly Brown would have loved us!
That last letter was received a little
over a week ago. Of nearly twenty people, nine responded in the first
week. A tenth faraway, never met friend emailed me last week to say
she was having a hard time coming up with one word but she would be
getting back to me. So, I decided there really was no hurry. I
waited. This morning it occurred to me that I really should start
putting this together and even opened my email to start it. I was
amazed to find a second email from this friend.
After I read her email I was so
profoundly affected I was very nearly speechless. That's doesn't
happen often. I can't really describe what I felt. Remember, I asked
for only one word and she gave me one but the beauty of her reply in
describing why she chose this word is one of the loveliest I've ever
received. I'm glad she took so long to respond. I have to share it and
I hope you can understand why this word had to be the last word.
“One word is ridiculously hard you
know!!! There are so many aspects of you that could describe you and
all the amazing things you do. However, I keep coming back to one
word, which reminds me of how I came across you on Multiply
originally. It was when you had just lost Jerry and in reading your
blogs I finally understood how and why people get married.
I know that sounds weird, but having
Aspergers and being useless at relationships, I could never
understand why my friends chose to marry the men or women that they
did. And your unbelievable deep emotions at your loss explained it
all - that bone deep love and grief and pain at losing him. And
although I hate that you have to continue going through your loss, I
am also thankful that you have taught me that lesson. I know I will
never have that but you have helped me to understand the people
around me more. Thank you. And to still have you, despite the whole
Multiply debacle!!
Your word is – Tsunami.”
No, I didn't have to look it up.
*Multiply©
is the name of an online social network.
