Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Smoke & Mirrors

I'm feeling very down tonight. Coming home to an empty house is hard, even after I've been doing it for so long. I was going to go get Sarah but it isn't David's day and so I have to wait. That's is probably the hardest thing of all, not being able to see her when I want to see her.

I thought today about what I'm going to do with this house and this big yard. I do that once in awhile but the last couple of years it has become a bigger issue. This week I am more serious about it. It is a yard meant for children to run in with dogs. I never look out there that I don't see little blond boys and a brown terrier running all over, giggling and barking echoing against the house. Even Sarah doesn't play there anymore. It is lonely and filled with ghost.

Smoke and mirrors.

I remember when David planted that tree of his out there. It was not as tall as he was at 8. Today, it is a couple of hundred feet high. When we planted it we were planting the future. He was excited and watered it faithfully. Every year we watched it grow taller and taller. We forgot it for a bit and one day we realized it towered over the yard. The tree grew but the future didn't.

Smoke and mirrors.

I often wonder what dreams are actually made of and how they come about.  I've stopped making plans for any kind of future and dreams are for children who don't know any better. The truth is that fairy tales are the result of someones dreams.

Smoke and mirrors.

Perhaps it all sounds melodramatic but I've lived this life. Sometime, maybe I should put up the real story my life instead of the supposed one. Blow the smoke away, break the mirrors. Sometimes I'm sure I sound as if I came from a very normal background. I remember at 12 praying, no, really, for a normal life.

Smoke and mirrors.

5 comments:

  1. I want to give you a hug. I'm so sorry you are struggling. I wish I could help. I'm so happy we connected, and think you are a very special woman and mom. I want to give you a hug.

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  2. yeah.. hugs from the east coast, too. Hang in there.. sometimes smoke and mirrors is ok.

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  3. 'Normal'? Doesn't exist any more than anything we've ever seen on television and the moment we've lived through it the memories change in every mind that was in contact. 'Dream'? As real as any television show we've seen or book we've read that suggest how we should respond.

    No, we don't get rid of the smoke and mirrors. We're lucky if one other person knows what the mirror truly reflects or what the smoke covers. Yet, we survive.

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  4. More hugs. Phyllis is right - is there a normal? You are loved, Cindy.

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