Over the Hump....at the Bottom of the Hill?

Today is hump day, the day when the rest of the week goes down hill... I'm not sure why we would think that is a good thing...but we do. I'm just glad I have one more day to work this week.

I took Friday off. I am taking Sarah to St. Louis to the Science Museum and if it isn't too hot, the Zoo. If it is too hot we'll do something else. We will all stay in a hotel tomorrow night and spend Saturday exploring. I'll have Dave & Becca and Mike along, too. I know they'll all have a good time and maybe I'll stop being so bummed out after a day away from home.

I posted the "final" chapters of The End of Winter so the gals in the writing group could read it. If you are one who read this during my 2008 NaNo and want to see the end, let me know. You will know who you are and need only send me an email to my email address... which you will have if you know me.


I am still tired. This afternoon after work I came from home, got a shower, put on  babydoll PJs, and had a personal pizza for supper while watching t.v. It is now just after 10 and for the first time in weeks, I don't feel buried under a black cloud. I'm still tired and will go to bed soon and I'm still not very cheerful. I do feel a bit less stressed. I had my writer's meeting on Monday night and those girls keep me laughing for a couple of hours and I always feel better after that. I spent the rest of Monday night and Tuesday night reading.


I sat up late the last two nights reading the BEST book I've read in a long time. Really. The writing was so tight I found myself looking for things wrong with it! The story was really good and a lot of fun. Typical old fashioned mystery. P. B. Ryan's Still Life with Murder. I highly recommend it. It is the first in a series and I got it free from Amazon. It is considered an historical mystery because it is set in Boston just after the Civil War. The main character Nell Sweeney is intriguing and I'll be getting the other books in the series just to learn more about her. I simply could not put it down and the ending was a surprise, which almost never happens with me. Although, these days, I'm not very attentive to details so it is possible someone else might not be as surprised.

I'm reading the start of the second book because it was included in the download... I'm already hooked by this 18th century female detective.



I'm having less pain this week I think. Yes, I'm not sure. My knees are sore and as I said, I'm tired. I'm not supposed to sit up late. I must get enough sleep. But I've been so disinterested in reading for so long that when I find a book that hooks me I hate to stop.

What I really want is to be able to retire. I am thinking about getting a site set up for donations. Yes. You heard me. I said donations. I'll direct people to my depressing posts and give details on my situation and condition. Then, I'll have a Pay Pal account set up so people who truly understand and want to help me can put their money where their mouth is. Look, I've had over 14,000 hits on this site since I began it. Over half those came in since November 2010. Something tipped the scale. Not sure what. Maybe I made a name for myself on the forums. Where are they all coming from? Russia and the US are apparently at the top of the list, with Russia in first place.

~(:\)

What have I said that would appeal to 100 Russians? What could they be interested in? My wit? My charm? My good looks? My audacity?

And now, I shall post this blog. I started it on a break early today and finished it just now. It should bring everyone up to speed. Tomorrow.... who knows.

A True Sarah Story

Today Sarah came and spent the afternoon with me. We went to Panera for me to have lunch. She didn't want to eat but wanted a chocolate chip cookie. They had a plate of cookie samples on the counter, each one on its on toothpick. I told her she could try one to see how it tasted. She chose one, twirled it, and then bit into it. She said, "OH, chocolate chip on a stick!"

The cashiers cracked up.

We picked up Michael later and he helped me get some yard work done. We finished about 8:30 and before taking them both home we decided to go eat supper. When the chicken place had no dark meat, Sarah said, "How about fish? I like fish." So we headed across town to Captain D's.

I ordered the double dozen shrimp dinner and while we were eating, Mike looked at me, frowning and said, "Mom, why are you eating that? You usually eat clams."

I said, "I do eat clams but I wanted shrimp."

Sarah suddenly looked at me, her face a mask of shock and horror. "YOU EAT CLOWNS?"

A Time Capsule and Paris' Human Zoo?

Stumbled across an interesting site that I just have to delve in much deeper. Here are two links.

A Locked Apartment

The Human Zoo

An Oldie Redone

Five Piano Guys?

The Piano Guys are just too awesome!

The Reason for Blessing

I ran across this photo and I remembered something that a very old woman once taught me. Her name was Kate Fletcher. She walked everywhere she went, despite the ill fitting prosthetic leg, sometime even turning down rides because of the difficulty getting out of vehicles. When I knew her she was in her 80's.

Sister Fletcher was a member of my church and seemed to appear in my life at a time when I needed a counselor. I was 18, newly married with no mother. She was a woman of great faith and wisdom and more than once I sought her counsel. She never failed. More than once I showed up at her home after midnight and she was actually at the door looking out. On one occasion she said, "The Lord told me someone was coming but not who."  Another time she said, "I was waiting for you."

When I found this clip I remembered a time when I was searching for something and I went to her home. She prayed for me and she told me, "God will not give anyone more blessings than they can handled." It was an unusual and surprising concept to me.

God's blessings are unreserved in depth and scope. We have only to be faithful and obedient to our calling. But they are not endless and they are not without limit.

Parent's reward their children based on how they behave. Yes, you do. Good behavior reaps good rewards. Bad behavior, if you are a good parent, reaps negative rewards. You wouldn't give a child a ice cream cone for slapping a parent or screaming at your guest. Well, maybe some people would but they end up with odious children.

As your child grows, the rewards become more advanced. Good grades may get better and better rewards. Allowances increase based on performance but bad performance, bad grades reduce the rewards. You bless them according to how they preform. You may do other things for them for no reason other than because you love them but there are blessing you give only because of what they do.

You may bless your teenager with an inexpensive car to do their running on but repeated traffic violation result in the loss of that blessing. They simply can't handle the responsibility of obeying traffic laws. You take the car and they take the bus. I've been here. The rule was your car, your fine. And they paid them. That is not a blessing. That is a penalty for not being responsible.

You may help your adult children with the down payment on a new home, if you have been blessed with the money to do that. They neglect to make the payments and they lose that home. They were not able to take on the responsibility of maintaining a home.

God blesses only according to what we are able to be responsible for maintaining. The concept she introduced me to that day has gotten me through some terrible times. The more I am responsible and the longer I am faithful, the greater the blessings become. There are times I've been overwhelmed at what I have been given for no apparent reason. I am not blessed because I'm smarter or better than anyone else. I am blessed because God has trusted me with some things that even I didn't think I could handle. I don't always think I deserve things He has given me but it isn't what I think that matters. It is what He thinks. And the knowledge that He thought I could handle something is in itself a blessing and and overwhelming concept. Some days I'm literally stunned by it.

I know people who seem to constantly be down on their luck. They can't get a break. Everything they do fails. All efforts to "get ahead" set them further and further behind. Nothing they set their hand to prospers. If you talked to them, they just don't understand.

In every case I've seen of people I know personally, I see the same thing over and over. Their walk with God had faltered in some fashion or ended. Their attitude, their behavior has become negative and in some cases, they are obviously not living as they know they should. They have gone farther and farther away from what they believed and become almost hostile. The blessings that once seemed to flow in are now flowing out. But all they see is the falling tide, and the absence of things. The don't see the cause.

Like a child they see everything that happens as unfair or someone else's fault. When a marriage gets in trouble, they need a new partner. Things would be better if I had a better spouse. When finances fail, it is the other spouse's spending that caused it. Or it is the other person's fault they lost the job. When children are unmanageable, it is the schools, friends, or other relatives fault. Like all children, we refuse to look in the mirror and see that we are the reason that we are blessed or not blessed. Instead we clench our fist, stomp our feet and scream, "IT IS NOT MY FAULT! I am a good person. I love God. I...... I..... I....."

My life is miserable. You heard me. I have pain so much that there are times I just want to die. Really. I don't say that much because the devil has a way of using our words to beat us up. In my mind, I know I don't want to die but I want the pain to stop. Some days I can hardly walk. My legs won't work, my feet hurt, my back is in agony. I have family that I can see are not being blessed and I am struggling with watching them fall farther and farther away and deeper and deeper into trouble. They don't even see what is happening. They can't see the chasm that is looming at their feet. I spend days praying for something to wake them up. I lost my husband and best friend and I have no one to talk to and no one to turn to when I'm in pain and suffering heartaches. I spend hours in my home and no one calls or comes by. Yes, I attend a church. And no, they don't.

So, how could I see any good in all that? What can make up for the losses? Ah. I see things that no one else sees that I know are blessings that I can't possibly have deserved. They wouldn't mean a thing to others but they are enormous reminders that I am not forgotten by God. Yes, sometimes it seems like it but I know I'm not. I'm not a bestselling author but I've been blessed with enough talent to bless others with my writing.  My husband was taken from me, and nothing can replace that, but because of his service and his faithfulness I have other benefits I wouldn't have had if he had not done some of the things he did over the years. He took care of his family, was faithful to us and God and provided for us even when he was dying. He told me once that he believe his disability was a blessing from God and he never asked God to heal him. That disability resulted in his death. What he suffered resulted in my blessing and in my ability to bless others. I've been blessed with a job that allows me to meet my needs and provides me with health insurance. I'm not wealthy, far from it. Yet, I've been blessed enough to bless my church and my children. The lack of local friends resulted in a circle of online friends who I talk to several times a week. They make me laugh, encourage me, share their lives with me, and some of them pray for me. Those who don't pray, I know they wish me well. You see, all the places in my life that hurt have had a blessing added to it.

I don't know why but for some reason, I've been trusted with these things, the good and the bad. My life is usually chaos and I'm stressed and wounded and heartbroken. But in the middle of chaos there is the eye of the storm that I strive live in. Sometimes the storm overtakes me. I'm overwhelmed by it but I have to keep moving in the right direction to find the eye again. I can't stop the storm. I can only stay in the eye.

Sister Fletcher was right. God won't bless anyone with any thing greater than they can handle. It isn't good for us. What does that mean?  Some blessings become our destruction. How many people have you seen on the news with millions of dollars and they commit suicide? They had everything but were not happy with the blessings. Why? Yes, I know mental illness is the explanation for everything. Its convenient. But it isn't always true. Sometime they get lost in the storm. How many divorced couples have you seen who were even more miserable afterward? How many people have you seen who left a good job for a better one only to find they hated it? How many people have you had to listen complain about all their troubles and you're wondering what's wrong with them because they have everything anyone could need? You know you have!

Like all children, we choose our blessings and we choose our curses. You won't necessarily see it that way. That's unfortunate. If once you could see the flow of blessings as something significant, it would change your whole outlook on events in your life. If you can just connect the dots you can see the whole picture. It isn't the blessing that is important. It is the reason for the blessing that is so important.

I'm blessed, not because I think I deserve it, because He thought so.

How much can God trust you?

70's Flashback

I loved this group back in the 70's!

A Lonely Boy

Ok, this is a keeper. Laughed so hard.

Flying Home

As a former world traveler, I found this extremely amusing.

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

The Bad Place

I don't know why I elected to write a blog today. It isn't the best time to do it. I'm in a pretty bad place. You can gasp now and cover you mouth and hurry away to do something more important. I said. I'm. In. A. Bad. Place.

I know people that by now, I should be fine  and life is moving along as it should. I've no doubt it is moving along but for me, it is not moving as it should. I struggle with this monster, Grief, daily. Yes, every single day. And yes, after all this time!  Oh, you won't know it, not really. If you saw me face to face, you would think I'm my old self. I blog and vlog and talk with people daily at work, mostly people who don't really care what I think or feel.

I've learned a lot from death and about grief. Most of it I've tried to clarify in my blog. I know it isn't fun reading but I made a pact with myself in the beginning to tell people what this was like for someone living it. I decided that after I learned people do not really understand grief and the average person doesn't care about other's grief until they experience it for themselves on a level that shakes their foundation. You have to actually watch someone die to know how I feel? Pretty much. It's why people avoid the grief-stricken. They don't want to know or be reminded.

January 29, 2013 will be four years since Jerry died. I do not fall apart in front of people. I do not fall apart every four hours. I don't even fall apart every single day. I probably average every other day. It doesn't last as long as it did because like all exercise, the more weight the easier it gets to carry it. But you still carry it. One learns how to build a facade that no one can see beyond. There are some wounds you cry about and then there are wounds that hurt so bad you can't cry. When you can't cry, pain can actually get worse.

I've learned that you don't get over it. You don't stop hurting. You don't forget. You don't stop missing, longing, and hoping. It is a hopeless hope. You hope, knowing it won't, can't happen.

I've learned that you can hide huge amounts of sorrow from the world. You can hide numerous secrets from people simply by smiling and saying, "I'm fine." The average person will go no deeper than that. One could say, "Actually, I'm terrible." As I did at the start of this blog. The response would be, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." And that's it. The average person quickly moves on to find someone else with a happier outlook or some really good gossip.

I've stopped seeking most company. I spend virtually all of my days and nights alone. I see no one outside of work and no one calls. Yes, I could call people. I have a few I could call. Why? I don't have anything to say. There is nothing to tell anyone. There is nothing in my life that is worth relating to anyone. And no one wants to hear it. One out of town family member calls regularly. Mike calls to check on me a couple of times a day and before he goes to bed. He's afraid, I suspect, that something will happen to me and no one will find me in time. He knows about living this way better than I do. He lived it first. He has no one but me. And for me, after four years, nothing has changed. It hasn't become easier. I just have no choice. So, the walls go up, mortar and brick carefully laid.

I think about going places. I even start planning where I could go. There are lots of vacation ads at the moment, ads with lots of smiling people and laughter. People cooking out, camping, running on the beach, dinner with lots of smiling faces. I stay home because there is no point. It won't be like that for me. Ever.

I am very tired. A sure sign of depression and fibor flare. I sleep when I go to bed but I could also sleep hours a day if I had a chance. When I'm home and not sleeping I sit and stare at the walls, Jerry's photos, the furniture, Jerry's photos, watch whatever will keep me interested for more than 30 minutes so I'm not thinking and not staring at Jerry's photos. No I won't put them away. This is where he lives. This is his home.

I do the housework myself now and maybe that's a good thing. It gets me moving for short bursts. And then, I have to sit down. I stare at the walls again. I read in short bursts. I've read over 20 books since I bought my Kindle at the first of the year, some good, some crappy. I may dabble at writing. I go to bed. I don't remember going to bed, usually. As soon as I lie down I am asleep.

So, in the grand scheme of things, life is uninteresting and empty.  I am empty. Yes, I've tried filling it. But the hole in the vessel is too large.


Citation: Health Benefits of Crying

"1980 All Over Again"

Bill O'Reilly: The Ghost of Ronald Reagan Haunting Obama?

What Is An American?

Found a really wonderful speech when searching for something else. I have to put the link here because it is just wonderful. I wish I'd found it before the 4th of July.

What Is An American

VJ Day, Aug. 14, 1945

What a great memorial to the men and women of this era who bravely served America. Thank you for your dedication and desire to serve and protect our country and for the sacrifices you made to defend us. You serve as an inspiration to all those who desire freedom.





VJ Day, Honolulu Hawaii, August 14, 1945 from Richard Sullivan on Vimeo.

The Death of a Nation?

This nation survives, and has for over 200 years, on a document that was so forward thinking that is still survives. I don't care what party he is with, the Constitution has worked, very well for a long time, long before the current administration. However, our current president has tried to choke the very life from it by various questionable means. He has tried over and over to bypass or limit and even alter the document that gives this nation life. Do I think he will succeed? Yes. 

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/07/03/obama-has-now-broken-free-constitution/?cmpid=googextension

Obama's Gun Controll Plans - July 27, 2012

An Enlightening Evening

Just spent nearly three hours working on The End of Winter! Go figure. Started from the beginning and started reading and correcting. I've decided I actually hate most of my stories. They just suck all around. But its ok. Life's too short to bother worrying about it. 

I'm just shy of halfway with the first read through. I've been cutting, correcting POV since I seemed to have flip-flopped all the way. LOL. Most of it is utterly boring but there is a little story in there. This is one of two NaNo's which have a full arc. I know beginning, middle, and end. So, I'll do the read through, patch up the holes, fill in the gaps, and let go of it. 

I've felt so bad that I'm pretty much resigned to being done with it all. It currently isn't a decision I'm feeling regret over. And that is somehow amusing.

Birds of a Feather

You may think that who your friends are not important. You may even say that you'd never behave the way some of them do. This isn't true. My Mama used to say you are known by the company you keep and I've always found it accurate. 


If you pay close attention to who you hang around and how you act you will begin to notice the way in which you emulate them. Your speech, your mannerism, and even your opinions begin to sync with those in whose company you spend the most time. You may have already had people comment on your being "just like" someone else. It actually will take a conscious choice to not do it but the longer you are around someone, the more it becomes ingrained.


Several years ago I realized I had picked up a couple of habits I found annoying from some people I worked. Well, I was them 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. It was a close working environment. They weren't earth-shaking habits but they were things I didn't like to see in myself. I noticed that my whole attitude was being affected and when I was with certain people, I actually felt worse afterward even though we got along well. I had to start monitoring my own behavior to try and break the bad habits I picked up. Even I was surprised by how much I was being affected.


Choose friends wisely because you will become them. At the least, be the best person you can be so those you meet will become more like you.

Dead and Dying

We got a little rain at the end of the week but nothing since. It is about 5 degrees cooler but that isn't enough to even notice when it is this hot. Walking across a parking log is miserable and even a room at 80 is cool once you get inside.

How bad is it? It doesn't get much worse. Crops are dying. People are dying. And if storms follow this heat wave, they will probably be horrific, probably spawning tornadoes as the cooler fronts slide in. More people will die. At the moment, it is 92 here, the coolest it has been in weeks at noon.

US Record Heat

Ponderings and Perturbances

I've been a bit frustrated, as my title would indicate. At least, I think it does. I haven't been writing blogs for a while now. Not because I don't actually want to but I simply haven't felt that anything I was thinking or feeling or doing was noteworthy. It is a difficult place to be for someone who wants to write. I've done a bit of writing on a couple of stories but it amounts to almost nothing. 

The truth is that I've been completely exhausted for weeks now. I have slept just fine, well, at least, as well as I ever do. In fact, some nights I slept so hard that it was hard to get up. I felt like I'd just been several rounds with Morpheus and he was winning. 

Pain is really the only thing that gets me out of bed. Anyone know the Greek name for pain? Oh, here it is -  Algea was a spirit of pain! One of several daimones (demons) who wreak havoc on the world. I'd love to loll around for an extra hour in that lovely midway land between sleep and waking that seems to ease you into a day. I can't. I am awakened by gouging, wrenching pain either in my lower back, my hip, or my neck. End results is exhaustion piles up.

I've made efforts to keep the house clean. I no longer have Sue to clean for me. She got a full time job, two weeks ago. She needed one as my little housekeeping gig wasn't enough. However, all I can do is a little every night. I've been doing laundry every few nights. With the water conservation, they want only full loads but I'm not waiting a week to do laundry and spend hours putting it away. My machine is one of those water efficient ones so I'm already using less than the average and my bill has gone up steadily as they increase cost. So, I've saved nothing by it.

I am working on putting another story in Scrivener. I've managed to get three in there and now the fourth is nearly done. I'm hoping this will make it easier when I flit from one to the other. I've been reading my old nano's as I put them in. I have a couple that are actually really good. As a few friends mentioned, now I need to write the endings. I have two where I actually know the full ending and have that in notes. So, I'm thinking Simon and his aimless wanderings will have to go on a back burner for now, even though he is the most fun.

I came home from work and did nothing important. I tried some exercises. I've got to find something I can do. I'm gaining weight and that is not good. I found a single push up is impossible. I have no strength in my upper arms and my wrist simply can't handled it weight in that position. My shoulder, the bad one, isn't good with it either. The arthritis is too painful when I try. So, I've got to get something to build strength in my arms that won't hurt my joints. I think I'm going to have to find a gym and do weight training. I'm concerned because my blood sugar is only going to get worse with more weight. I'm going to try and stay off the carbs again and I'm going to cut down on how much I eat. I found a Chrome app called Lose It! that helps track what you eat, calculate the amount of calories you need, and how much you burn in exercise and consume in food. So, its a start. I knew my strength and muscle loss was very bad. It was distressing to realize how bad. I used to do aerobics three times a week and I was able to move all kinds of things. At 40 I could stand on my head! Now, I even have balance issues. That is a just one of the physical symptoms of fibro. It may be that I have to take off pounds before I can actually do much of anything. I know I won't be 40 again but I know people almost twice my age who have far more  strength and energy. 

I'm off now. I think I'm going to bed early. I've got a couple of places I need to go tomorrow and I don't want to be tired when I get up. Stay cool. We got some rain here today for about 20 minutes. {sigh} Not nearly enough. The farmers are going to be bankrupt.

A New Puzzle

Cooking Down The Greens

Happy Birthday, America

Oh Beautiful

O beautiful for spacious skies,

For amber waves of grain,

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed His grace on thee,

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet

Whose stern impassion'd stress

A thoroughfare for freedom beat

Across the wilderness

America! America!

God mend thine ev'ry flaw,

Confirm thy soul in self-control,

Thy liberty in law.

O beautiful for heroes prov'd

In liberating strife,

Who more than self their country lov'd,

And mercy more than life.

America! America!

May God thy gold refine

Till all success be nobleness,

And ev'ry gain divine.

O beautiful for patriot dream

That sees beyond the years

Thine alabaster cities gleam

Undimmed by human tears.

America! America!

God shed His grace on thee,

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea.

A Walk At My House Part 2

A Walk At My House

WRoE - July 1, 2012

Wrote a chapter in Hidden in the Mist and began a second one. I did do some notes on Dream Stealer and even considered a new opening that would shift the dynamic a bit and clarify the inciting incident. I was actually a bit excited about that. Someone once suggested something along those lines. Proving once again that we don't actually forget anything, we just let it stew a bit before trying it. I think writing something else actually helped me a bit. Maybe loosened up the cogs or something. 

At any rate, small amount of writing but not according to my own rules. Will the person who said "rules were made to be broken" please email me. I need some more insights.

Because We Probably Ought to Know.....?

Alarming Tax Increases What does this mean? Americans probably should know. We're being taxed to death now so what is coming? For me, it is probably going to mean bad things.  

It's Done Good? Bad? Or Ugly?  I knew this was coming. And I've already experienced the first wave. Welborn Health Care will no longer carry health insurance because the changes involved under new laws make it financially impossible to provide the same level of services. This is an HMO, one of the cheapest insurances plans out there. My company just renewed with them for about the 10th year. By January we have to get a new company which will cost even more. We expect cuts in benefits and increase in costs to the employee from this alone. This affects not only my company but the School Corporation here. So a few thousand people. I believe you will see more insurance companies stop carrying health insurance. The cost to everyone will rise as choices and the quality of care decline. Pay attention to this paragraph: 

Starting in 2015, doctors will get paid for keeping patients well, not necessarily for every test or procedure. That means, in theory, that a doctor will get paid the same by Medicare or Medicaid whether she gets a patient's blood pressure down by prescribing drugs or by persuading him to lose weight and exercise.

Here's how I read it: Doctor thinks:  "So, since I'm not going to recover the cost of this test anyway, I'll just say it isn't necessary and tell them to diet and exercise. So what if this problem is caused by something else. No test, no proof. My educated judgement is all this form needs. If they die, well they should have taken better care of themselves."

Can't happen? Says who? And if you think you can't afford it? Think again, you will be taxed in addition to paying for health care for those who don't get health care. So, you will pay double for a single person. Will it force employers to carry  you? No. I already know of a couple of companies who say the penalty is cheaper to pay than it is to insure their employees. My sister's company just went to a cheaper play because of the coming changes. Her plan went to a $5000 deductible on medical treatment PLUS $5000 deductible on prescriptions before the insurance will pay a dime. This means my sister has to fork out $10,000 a year for her deductibles AND maintain a medical savings account with a minimum of $300 and pay her premiums for it! She makes $7.25 an hour. If she worked a 40 hr week, she would gross $14, 790. She doesn't get 40 hours a week. She gets more like 32. So... she has less than $4000 to live on a year if she pays all that. Her rent is $3600 a year.... Her medicine is $2500 just for insulin. So, her solution? Don't buy her insulin. Don't buy enough food. And if she chooses to drop this plan due to the astronomical costs? A penalty tax is coming for her. Brilliant. 

Makes sense. Too much light is not good for you, particularly electronic light.  After dealing with a sleep disorder for years, I know that the evenings I watch t.v. or play on the computer late, the more trouble I have sleeping. If I limit it to a few hours in the early in the day or early evening I do much better. 

Have a nice day.

An Enticing Tuesday

I have said before that I hate Mondays. I do. But I really hate it when Tuesday is seductive. A cool breeze caressed my face and arms this morning and sunshine kissed my cheeks from a smiling blue sky. I desperately wanted to stay home. I didn't feel well to start with. Not enough sleep probably. I got up at 6:30 and went back to bed at 7:00, fully dressed. I dozed until 7:30 when I got up, brushed my teeth and combed my hair again. My clothes weren't mussed as I simply lay on the bed but I fell just terrible. Still I have to work so here I am.

The huge window at my desk taunts me.

I am supposed to have phone duty today. That means I'll spend three hours answering the phone and greeting clients and answering questions. I will get no real work done. I'm taking my 15 minute break now so I can write this.

My online writer's group met last night in a G+ hangout. There were only three but we had a nice time talking. It is amusing in a way. We do talk writing but it seems much more fun than it probably should be.

I'm really struggling with my thinking. Fibro fog has been really bad this whole month. In fact, for the last three months it has been really bad. I am barely able to concentrate at work and when I get home, forget it. I'm mostly in a . . . well, a fog. Not even reading a lot because it takes so much effort to concentrate. This disease is a curse. It robs you of time.

All right, back to the mine. Not sure what the rest of the day will be like.

Running Down To Friday

It has been a long week. Not much going on at my house as it is too hot to do anything outside. Inside, I've simply sat around and read or watched movies. I've had Sarah a couple of nights this week for a few hours. She's always fun to have over and that time belongs to her.

Writing? Here and there. I'm not fond of anything at the moment. I thought I'd get another Mist chapter done but I'm once again assailed by the fact that I don't really like the story. It needs so much work even if I were done with it and to not care about it makes it that much harder. I think it shows in places that I'm not vested. There are some  parts I really like but overall, it isn't a story I really wanted to write. Like all exercises, it hasn't really been fun. 

I've got some more ideas for Simon's story and want to get them down soon. I also have a bit for my church ladies story. So, I have stuff to do.

Biggest problem is the exhaustion. I've been simply buried under it. I've been going to bed progressively earlier this week to see at which level I feel most rested. Someone posted a chart on FB this past week that showed all the effects of Fibromyalgia. I have most of them. /O\ Not good. Anyway, it is the litteral mind numbing tired that is worse than anything else I deal with. I'm barely functional by the time I get home. 

David started a new job this week. He's installing television and internet cable for a local company. It is minimum wage to start and then goes to commission afterward. He thinks he'll do well with commission. Hope so. It will be by the job then. 

That's about it for now, I think. I hope everyone has had a good week. If you have any spare rain, please send it our way. It is so hot and so dry here. Beautiful blue sky with fluffy white clouds and unbearable heat.  Rain would be lovely.

Morning Aches

I had intended to go to church this morning and take Sarah with me. She spent the afternoon here and was going to spend the night. She was up at 3 a.m. and wanted to go home. I don't know what the problem is. She said I snore but I doubt anyone snores louder or more terrible than her dad and she sleeps in their room! She used to spend the night a lot on weekends but just stopped. 

Anyway, I woke up to a bad headache, my back felt wrapped in a vice, neck hurts, and walking was difficult. I'm going in a moment to get a hot shower to see if it will loosen things up a bit. I so wish I had someone to rub my back. That "locked" feeling is the worst thing. All the muscles simply won't move without resistance. 

It has been miserably hot, so much so that you can't be outside. No rain again for days. What little we got has simply evaporated. I need to water the flowers but going for the hose is misery. I'm thinking of moving the sprinkler into the front yard and simply turning it as needed. Whoever cuts the yard can simply move it around. That would save me a bit of effort. 

I'm still meeting with my writing friends online in the g+ hangouts. That works so well! Very much like getting to meet face to face without all the bother with deserts and special clothing. Well, we do wear clothing but I can simply slip on my most comfortable PJ's and I'm ready. I've enjoyed these hangouts a lot and if you haven't tried one, you should. 

OH! Forgot to mention. I bought an HDMI cord for my computer and can now link it up with my television. It is very cool really. I can watch all sorts of videos on my television now via Youtube, Hulu, Netflix or any other source. Mike and I use the same Netflix account and I pay half so that helps him. I was doing HULU but most of the content that I got was the same thing as nonpaying. Only difference was I could put most of it on the t.v. The content was still very limited. Netflix has much more content and so far everything can go on the t.v. 

I'm going to watch the season 4 finale to Dr Who (David Tennant), The End of Time. I haven't seen it. I'm dreading it a bit as I just adored him as Dr. Who. The reviews I read about it say it was a very sad show. I just spent the last several weeks watching all the seasons he was Dr. Who. I  used to watch them when they were on but for some reason I stopped. I think it was the night it came on was a conflict for me. Anyway, I'm going to see the finale today. It is 2 hrs long! May have to watch in parts.... You know that death stuff really upsets me and this is a favorite character. 

All right, got sidetracked and now an hour has passed and I'm still aching. I'm going for the hot shower now. 

Meandering Saturday

Yes, it has been a while. I am sitting in my living room with a turban on my head and telling myself I need to get up and get moving. I've had coffee and a breakfast of sorts. I had a hard time waking up this morning. I mean I simply could not get roused. I kept hitting the snooze button for about half an hour. I finally decided I needed a shower to get me going. So, I showered and washed my hair and . . . well, here I am. I still feel tired but I'm vertical... sort of.

It has been a busy few months. Work, I think I mentioned, has been a killer of all things fun. I did get a new sidewalk, thanks to help from my children. We had a lot of fun doing it. There was a vacation and holiday in there somewhere. I vaguely remember them. I need another one but I'm waiting until my finances recover from all this spending.

I've been writing a bit on a couple of things but nothing earth shaking and certainly not on my Primary Project as I am supposed to do under the terms of my WRoE challenge to myself. Nuts. Must rethink my rules, I think. If they are too hard for me to follow (they aren't really I'm just making the usual excuses) then I may need to reevaluate them.

Today my house is clean and there is no yard work that I must do, although there is some I'd like to do. I've found I like it better if someone is here doing it with me. It seems more fun. Jerry and I used to work outside together and we liked it. He got to the place he could barely cut the grass and we just gave up on the yard. He'd be thrilled at how things look now. He wanted it to look like this.

I really have been absent from here, at least posting stuff. I do come an read up and I posted things I was watching and reading. Just none of my original content that I know is thrilling. I'm sure you all were bereft by my absence.

Not.

I plan on getting the accounts in order this morning but I think I want the afternoon to myself. I need some decompression time I think.

This is rather short and pointless, I'm afraid. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have no profound wisdom or rant to share. I've made blogging a daily habit for years now and suddenly, I am without anything to say.

Surely I can't have said it all!

Memorial Day Weekend

Here's some of what went on at my house on Memorial Day Weekend. Must warn you... some of it isn't pretty... funny but not pretty.

I Won't Give Up - Peter Hollens

Sometimes the things I stumble over on Youtube just blow me away. This young man's voice is one of those surprises. I could listen to him sing all day.

Obama blames GOP Congress for slowing economy, Romney fires back | Fox News

Obama blames GOP Congress for slowing economy, Romney fires back | Fox News: "“The president must be on another planet,”  Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., told Fox News. “You saw job figures last Friday, completely disconnected from reality.”

"
OH... So that's why the birth certificate was so hard to find!

'via Blog this'

A Case of Hiccups

I got the in my email today from GCFL.com and it gave me a chuckle. Had to share it.

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have  worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records  show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

US Navy prepares mission to solve riddle of Amelia Earhart's death - Telegraph

Link

I started to read this but then realized... she's been missing 75 years. She's dead. And the US Navy is sending people out to look for her? Why? I agree it is a mystery that would be interesting to solve but not for what it will cost to taxpayers for this little jaunt in the Pacific! Who is blazes is in charge in Washington? Idiots. Really!

The Long Road Home

Cotton Candy Pro

I thought this was amazing. Watch what he does for the children.

A Day of Clouds

Saturday has begun swathed in clouds. I'm hoping it doesn't rain. I'm going to get Mike in a bit and try to finish the last four rows of sidewalk. Then, flower beds I hope. My potted flowers never to be in deeper soil soon. I want to plant more once I get them sorted out.

I woke with a very sore neck and shoulder. I thought I wouldn't be able to hold my head up it hurt so badly. I truly do not know what causes that. I sleep better when I can sleep on my sides but I feel worse because the pain builds to excruciating levels. Sleep study really should be done, I think. Once they see how bad it is maybe they can offer some constructive advice.

I have done precious little writing anywhere, as you probably know if you've been checking. I wouldn't blame you a bit if you'd moved on and forgotten me all together. I've been over on FB and G+. I really like G+ because the items posted tend to be more educational and not so much silly chat like you find on FB. Still lots of family is on FB so I'll stay there to keep in touch.

The week seemed rather long even though I only worked for three days! Maybe because I worked so hard over the long weekend. But the walk is looking very good. I'm pleased with it. Just want it done now. Must get some mulch I think to line the edges. I've got ground cover that will help keep weeds out. I'm going to do that and then add new lights. No reason for stupid people to break them now.

I am hoping for a quiet day today, aside from the time Mike comes over to help with the sidewalk.

Although I have not been posting much lately I have been reading the blogs posted on my list. I read the comments, too. As I think I mentioned before I get emails of your blogs and comments. So I don't miss a thing. I can't view photos but I can read it all. I almost shut that off but I found the blogs backed up on me so this helps. I also post by email at times but since my work load in the office has doubled, that has tapered off.

Oh, my co-worker and friend, Carolyn, fell and broke her shoulder. She had to have surgery on it last Wednesday to put pins and screws in it as the bone had separated. She will be off at least six weeks, maybe more with physical therapy. So work is doubly bad right now.

The YMCA here sponsors a "fall Half-Marathon" every year and she walks in that. Walkers walk together for a couple of months to build up to the required 13 miles. She was walking home from her regular meeting and tripped on the sidewalk. She was just blocks from her house at the ball field up the road. She lives around the block from me. The sidewalk is right on a very busy street, the ball field was full of people of all ages. She fell on a very public sidewalk. No one came to see about her. No one stopped to help her up. No one even came over and ask if she was all right. She had to get up with one arm not working and walk home. She said she had a lot of trouble getting up because of that. I was so shocked I could not believe it. What kind of people do that?

I've told her it is not meant for her to walk in this thing anymore. Last year she had to have back surgery and couldn't do it. She really enjoys it but serious injury two years in a row is a bit much. I know, it was an accident but what if she'd been farther from home or knocked unconscious? She said she managed to walk to the corner bus stop and sit down to pull herself together.

I will try and post more photos of my vacation. I didn't take many. I spent my time just enjoying my family. It was so nice to see them all.

I'm away now. I need to dress and see about doing something constructive. Like pay my bills. Oh yeah, fun awaits. At least I can pay them. That's a blessing.

WRoE: May Accountability Day

I'm late again but not too late.

No writing on the Primary Project. I worked on three existing chapter, well two. I wrote the third for Baptism in the Basement. If I ever finish this one it should be a fun edit. It is fun writing it and fun reading it. Maybe because I actually recognize the characters.

That's it.

Honor Where Honor Is Due

Today is Memorial Day for Americans. If you are an American, it is to the men and women of the United States Armed Forces you owe a debt of thanks for the rights you so adamantly demand, not some politician sitting in government offices. They have risked nothing on your behalf. If you lose these rights it will be entirely due to your own foolishness. 


Please honor a Veteran today, particularly those who died defending our nation. The cemeteries are filled with them. Those who died in battle did not set out to die but they did not turn from their fates. Soldiers know that there are some things worse than death and they stand between you and it.

"It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in

defense of our country in wars far away. The imagination

plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and

wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers,

grave and gray-haired. But most of them were boys when they

died, they gave up two lives -- the one they were living and

the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up

their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers.

They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave

up everything for their county, for us. All we can do is

remember."

-- Ronald Wilson Reagan - Remarks at Veteran's Day ceremony, 

Arlington National Cemetery Arlington, Virginia, November 11, 1985

How It All Began...........

Sintel

Very good short film.

2016

Slumgullion

Mama made a soup she called Slumgullion. I only discovered just now that it is a real soup! I was eating it when I was five. Basically a vegetable soup with everything but the sink tossed in. Mama's was, at least. It was wonderful as I recall. I make a similar soup on occasion. I think this post is rather like her soup but not as good, I'm afraid.

As I begin this blog I'm sitting on my front porch. It is 8:38 p.m. in S. Indian and the crescent moon is at about 45 degrees in the western sky. There is a nice breeze and aside from the sounds of the highway about three block south of me, it is nice out here. The screen of my laptop is the brightest thing around. Well, the street light is probably second but only because it is farther away. I actually had to turn on my keyboard light because I can't see it in the glare of the screen.

Oddly enough, recently Google Chrome came up with an extension that lets me set the screen to a gray scale and this is immensely helpful when blogging in the dark! No glare in your eyes and now, the brightest light actually is the street light. Have I said today, "I love all things Google"?

I've been trying very hard to make myself blog and it hasn't worked well. I checked and in April I think I did only one post. May is only slightly better. That's insane for me. I'm usually good for nearly one a day. I can only say that things have been happening... or not.


The weekend is looming and I'm very glad. We are going to put down a walkway in the front yard and I have two flower beds to get prepared. Becca's dad brought a tiller over and broke the ground up for me and I will go tomorrow night and get gravel, paving stones, and whatever else I need to do this. I'm rather excited about a front walk.

I have a 4 day weekend. Memorial Day is Monday and our office is closed and I took Tuesday off. I begged more or less. I said, "Please, Marques!" He said, "I don't think it will be a problem." I think I'm ahead of everyone else in processing files. I've been going non-stop and I have a little room because I've been driven.


I've been experiencing absolute exhaustion since I got home from Florida. If you watched the video you know we had a really good time. I got sunburned. I enjoyed my family. I was, however, glad to get back to my house. There is no bed like your own.

My only explanation for the exhaustion is work. There is no time for a break these days. It is non-stop data processing and if you stop, the penalty is you get behind double the time you stop. I was gone a week. Still, I managed to get all the back log processed but the penalty is a seriously fried brain and an inability to find enough rest. I'm seriously tired to the point of depression. Yes, I am sleeping. Hard. I am considering asking my doctor to order a sleep study. I need to know if I'm actually resting properly.

Not only am I way behind on blogging, but I haven't written a thing in any area. I've thought about it. But that's it. That doesn't count. I have been looking into a writing workshop. I need something to get me going and it looked interesting. But I'm so tired I'm a bit cautious about jumping into anything right now.

I have been reading more than usual. It is a pursuit that doesn't require much energy. If I fall asleep while I'm doing it I can wake up and pick up where I left off without ever moving.

We need rain here desperately. The ground was so hard when David began to dig for the walkway he had to wet it down. The soil here is loamy and wonderful farmland but when wet, it is heavy. That is why John came and brought the tiller over. Now we have a nicely plowed area we will scoop out and level on Saturday and then, lay gravel and paving stones... I so hope. I'll take photos. I've planned a flower bed along the front and one side of the porch. On the opposite is a patio and a flower bush so I won't do one there. No idea what I'll plant aside from some marigolds and "princess feathers". No I don't know their proper name.

And I want so badly to write. I hate the brain drain that hits me when I'm this tired. Blogging seems to be about the only thing I can do. And not even good blogs at that.

I had a dream last night about some dark haired man. I don't know who he was but I spent a long time talking to him. I dreamed I woke up next to him only to wake up and find I was alone. I was very depressed. I kept trying to figure out if he was Jerry or someone else. It bothered me. And saddened me. How does one ever learn to be alone after 35 years of together? It will be 4 years next January. I do not feel any closer to adjusting than I did then. I was just a child of 17 and Jerry was all the life I knew. The current life seems rather boring and hollow.

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

Wonderful short film! I loved this.

WRoE: May Accountability Day ---Late

It occurred to me today that I did not do Accountability Day this
month! It probably isn't important since I didn't write in April more
than an hour. I'd like to get back on track but it isn't looking good.

I'm like a yo-yo with the stress, depression and pain. I have days
when things go well and then I hit bottom. I've done no writing this
month either. It is a bit stressful.

On top of that, I'm having laptop problems. I'm going to probaby have
to reformat this weekend and check to see if I need a new battery. I
am having unexpected crashes and restarts. Since I'm plugged in at the
time, I don't know what that is about. The screen that tells me stays
up only long enough to tell me there was a problem but not read what
it was!

So, I'm far behind on my own WRoE. No, it is not acceptable. Not for
me. I'll start over and try again. Eventually, I'll figure out I'm
only extending my work. I spend an inordinate amount of time doing
stupid, wasteful things so it isn't impossible to write something
every day that contributes to the development of the novel. The only
excuse is that I'm not doing it. That's the truth.

Hmmm

The fact that there is actually a need for this kind of thing is disturbing....How to Behave Professionally on Social Media

Awesome Teachers

I didn't have teachers like this in highschool. This is so cute. Watch as other students race by and never give it away or even acknowledge it is happening.

Teachers Dancing

My Party

Vacation ended with a thud. No, I didn't have barrels of fun. I enjoyed the canoe trip. I enjoyed seeing members of my family, including a new great niece and nephew. I visited Jerry's brother and sister on the way home.

It was nice to see them but Jerry's brother was so like him that it was a dagger to the heart. I thought I was going to die. I fell apart, embarrassingly so, and I've felt out of sync ever since Thursday, as if I've been thrown back in time. For two hours afterward I was simply unable to stand up and went to bed at the hotel, leaving Mike outside. Even today I'm barely able to function and I've had a migraine since Saturday.

Jerry's niece came home with us and is staying for a bit with Becca and Dave. I invited Becca and Kim to lunch yesterday because I thought it might make me feel better. I was going insane alone here in the house. Becca invited me to lunch today but called later and said she and Sarah would go to church this morning with me instead because she and Dave were fighting about something and so she couldn't invite me over today for lunch after all.

So, for the most part, I've spent yet another Mother's Day alone. Only Mike went to church with me and I took us to lunch. He's in the house but you'd never know it for the most part. He means well but conversations require concentration unless it is about t.v. or movies, we don't really talk a lot. The church did present a rose to every mother so I got a flower. No wake up smiles, no calls, no gifts, no cards, and oh... my youngest called late (probably after he got out of bed around 2 p.m.) to say he "didn't get the memo that today was Mother's Day and Happy Mother's Day." Odd, since his FB wall mentioned it yesterday. I'm a bit lower on the scale of importance than FB. There are people who think they have been in contact with me just because they do graffiti on virtual walls. You haven't.

I've learned since Jerry died that my worth for some is measured solely in dollars and cents...mine and how generous I am with it.

I go back to work tomorrow. To the real world, or at least what passes as real for me. Where people honestly don't care about me.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. . .you cry on yours when it happens to you.

No Place

I am sitting at the dinning table at my sister, Roselynn's house listening to the sounds of women in the kitchen. My niece, Kayla and my aunt are preparing side dishes, my granddaughter laughing and running through the house playing with her great uncle that she calls her Poppy. My brother-in-law just headed outside to start the grill. Mike, Dave and Becca are here chatting with various relatives. My six-month-old great nephew sits in his swing smiling at me and making cooing noises. 

Over all the laughing and talking, the smell of food cooking drifts through the house and twines around the sounds of family. I realize that no matter where you are when you are surrounded by the people you love you are home. I don't have a particular love for Florida or any particular place on earth. What I do have is the same longing for home that all of us have and that it is not a specific geographical location.

Crowds are not cozy or comforting, no matter where they are. One can't really relax in a crowded stadium or restaurant. Even among a dozen friends it is possible to feel isolated and homesick. Yet, there is always a kind of peace when one is surrounded by a dozen relatives, even it everyone is talking at once. It is a paradox. 

I will spend this week with people I've known all my life and will find more calm in the riot of their living than I would in a day in a lounge chair with a good book. The sounds of laughing and loud talking and the crowded room we sit in will bring more contentment than winning the lottery. 

As Dorothy once said, "There is no place like home." 

13 Investigates: IRS tax loophole

13 Investigates: IRS tax loophole: Eyewitness News shows a massive tax loophole that provides billions of dollars in tax credits to undocumented workers and, in many cases, people who have never set foot in the United States.

Never Thought of That!

Hotel Pets

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

My Crazy Life

I just got off an hour call with my sister, Roselynn. As I said, she's in hospital with a whole slew of issues. They operated on her last week for a problem with her sinuses and took out her adenoids and tonsils. She's had a rash of problems ever since. She spiked a fever and got dehydrated and ended up back in the hospital. They found she had pneumonia, iron deficiency, and yesterday, tore a stitch out.

At any rate, I was cancelling the trip but she said she wanted everyone to come anyway. She can't take the canoe trip but she can go to the beach. She said seeing everyone was what she wanted. So, we'll go down on Saturday and I'll head back home on Thursday. That will give me a few days to recover from the long drive. It is roughly 12 hours and even with Mike to help drive, it will be hard on me.

I get four weeks of vacation a year but I usually have things I have to take some of that for that have nothing to do with vacation and so end up taking only a week or two for real relaxation. This year, I'm changing that. I'm not going to use vacation unless absolutely necessary for illness. This isn't usually my plan. It just happens that way. Instead, I'm taking extra care to horde it. I have invitations from Texas and England. I want so much to take those two trips. Life is short.

I'm going to get ready for church now.

Beethoven's 5 Secrets

Just beautifu!

The Piano Guys, Again

Wow, I love these guys!

Singing with Daddy 2

Singing with Daddy

The Backyard on Easter Sunday

Backyard Egg Hunt 2012

Egg Hunt, 2012

A Positive Outlook

I overslept. I sat up too late, as usual when I'm more or less a slug. I sat around and did nothing yesterday. Only left the house to go eat and came right back to my chair. I read off an on but mostly just wasted time. It annoys me. It is as if my mind belongs to someone else and they've taken my body hostage.

Sarah came over late and watched t.v. while I just sat. She did cut up with me a bit but mostly we both were slugs. Well, she's only 5 so it is a bit unusual for her.

Today it is cold and I'm stiff and achy. So, when the clock went off, I didn't respond very well. And now I'm feeling very guilty about it.

Because... I don't want to be this way. I want to jump out of bed, awake, feeling good, and be out and doing something that means something. I don't want to have no energy, stamina, and interest.

It is just one of those weekends where I've given hours of my life away. I know part of it is the weather but I keep feeling like it is my fault. I should just get up and move. Then, my body informs me that it simply doesn't like what I'm asking. Today, my hands and feet are bothering me but it is mostly just this tired. I was doing well most of the week. Beginning to get to bed earlier and get more, not better, sleep. I could tell it was working. I blew it the last two nights. I simply have so little time when I can do my own thing, a weekend is not enough, and so I sit up too late. Just like I did for years. Before I was given this fibro curse.

I am going to get dressed. I am going to get lunch. I am going to read something besides blogs. Maybe doing it will give me a more positive outlook.

If I can just get up.

In the Backyard

Long Time No....Rant

My son was telling me this week about someone who complained that I never call them. I've heard this before but for those who wonder where I've been or why I don't ever call anyone, I've been exceptionally busy and tired.

As most of you know, if you follow the blog on Blogger or on Multiply, you know work has been pretty.... well words defy me. Let me give background for anyone reading for the first time or for those who have forgotten and feel slighted.

I am called the Landlord liaison (not what I was hired for). I handle 400-500 active landlord accounts and there are roughly 1500 active and inactive landlord files in my office. This means I set up and maintain these files. I answer questions from potential and new landlords and I do training sessions for them. I also give them advice on tenant problems. I make any necessary changes to their files.

My real job is a housing specialist. I'm one of 5 now. We maintain and process files for tenants on the program. We had two firings last month. This increased each person's tenant caseload by 53 tenant cases. I now have 356 tenant accounts. Within six months each person's tenant accounts will number roughly 400. Each of us has to process roughly 140 re-certifications ever single month. It varies by about 40 more or less each month. I answer calls from all of them who call... want to guess that number?

I am unofficially the technical support for my department. This means I am the first person called when computer disasters strike. This means, computer problems for 10 computers come to me before they go to tech. If I can't fix it, tech gets a shot. Most things I can fix. Network problems - we call tech. Problems range from hang ups, printers not working, files not opening, unexplained crashes, and user issues. I determine if we need tech. Usually we don't.

I am one of 5 case managers who do move briefings twice each month. We rotate who does it. And if someone doesn't want to do it or can't for some reason, I volunteer. You stand up during the entire presentation. These are PowerPoint presentations that last about an hour. Um... I create the PowerPoint presentations, create our forms, and schedule the monthly recertification appointments every months. Could someone else do some of these things? Yes but the majority of them don't want the job... they've seen me do it for years and I suppose they figure it's too much work. It is. But could they, yes. And frankly, the time it would take to train them would take longer than it takes me to do it. And they're not going to learn voluntarily.

In the last two weeks at work, we've been preparing for internal audits of process, procedures, duties. I was interviewed over these things one day this past week from 9 a.m. until 11:30. Next Monday, a different group will do a financial audit of our files. I could get questioned over that. I also can't do my other duties during these. So... I get behind.

I come home at 5 p.m. and believe me when I say I have NO social life. I have friends, on my blogs, on Facebook and a few I see in person when they ask me to lunch. I have my granddaughter, two sons, and daughter-in-law that I may see two or three times a week, depending on what they want. Sarah used to come over every Saturday and spend the night. She won't spend the night anymore but when she comes, my time is her's. I see Mike on Sundays and we go to church together, have lunch together and I may take a Sunday afternoon nap . . . if time permits.

On top of all this, I am making crocheted items for Sarah to wear. I write when I'm not brain dead from work. I am in the process of editing a novel. Lately, not so much but it's there. I have to do my own repairs. The children come and help from time to time. Thank goodness Randy did my remodel in 2010. The roof is now repaired and all the things Jerry and I wanted to do but couldn't are almost done. Only a kitchen remodel is left. Then it is just painting. He'd have loved that front porch. We always wanted one. It was my birthday present from Randy. I'm trying to get him to come build a deck on the back. If he doesn't... guess who'll do it?

I have a wall still to repair in the bedroom, all rooms need painting, kitchen floor needs replacing, laundry room needs a new floor, kitchen sink is new but the drain has a leak and needs repair, yard has to be cut every week or so, along the track needs clearing. Who do you think does all this? I do.

I also have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. If you're not sure how these affect me.... because you've not been in contact with me.....if I move furniture, paint walls, repair floor, and carry boxes of files, the next day I can't walk very well, and can't use my hands, arms, and anything requiring my back. I suffer severe pain most days. No, I do not take pain killers. I have to work. I work in pain. I have terrible leg cramps and a bad shoulder that means I can't sleep on either my right or left sides for more than a few minutes. So I'm constantly waking in pain and having to turn over. I have migraine headaches that, for the last few months have been unusually absent... thank God.

Incidentally, the only phone calls I've received in the last 60 days were from my children, my aunt, my sisters, and my two brothers. Obviously, they weren't the ones complaining and they didn't wait for me to call them.

Folks, I'm tired. Very, very tired. All the time. So, if you're feeling slighted, or neglected I'm so sorry! Get over it. I'm too tired to pet you. I'd love to hear from you, or see you, or get an email from you. But if you're waiting on me.... you might want to carry a book to read.

Another Long Day

I got nothing done today. My day started with an interview with the scheduled audit. I was interviewed by the Nan McKay team for an hour and a half. In fact, I was the only case manager they did interview. I think it was the most comprehensive interview about policies and procedures I've ever seen. I got asked everything... even things I didn't want to be asked. I left the interview to lunch and came back and managed to get some items mailed out and then had to pull folders for file auditors coming next week. We have to pull more tomorrow.

Over all, I think this audit is about more than how we do things. But we will see.

I've had indigestion for days again. I'm taking meds for it. I get flare up of it every week or so and once it settles down I'm fine for a bit. I suspect I'm in a fibro flare as I've had muscle pains, extreme tiredness, and the indigestion.

I'm headed off to bed now after an evening of pretty much nothing. I watched two t.v. shows and cruised a bit and I'm done. Tomorrow is Thursday so still two days before I get a break.

Loraine had to reschedule. It isn't a problem for me so we'll meet on Friday.

Forging Ahead... Blindly

I've been AWOL quite a bit lately. Work has been horrendous and I'm exhausted. Not to mention I've had so much pain I just have been unable to do much of anything after I get home.

This past Saturday Mike and I moved furniture. Actually, I did and he showed up later and helped me finish. However, there is a price for such things. I've paid in spades.

Problem is I've been exhausted to the point I can barely get through the day. I'm on my way to bed now but felt I should probably stop and post something so folks would know I'm still around.

I haven't had a lot to say either. Dave lost his job and is still looking. I went and ordered a sofa. I've put in my vacation time and am going canoeing with my family the second week of May. Did I say work is horrible? The 50 extra cases  have simply swamped us all. We have an agency evaluation going on, requested by the new director.

Must say this to get it down... I want corroboration in the event something happens. I had a dream about two weeks ago. Dreamed the new director was setting up an office in our department, which is about 10 minutes from corporate, and staff were helping him set up, asking if there was anything he needed. I woke with no resolution or explanation of the dream. Let me state I never dream about work. I can't remember ever dreaming about my job since I've been at the housing authority. The only job I ever dreamed about was one I was fired from years ago when I told the bosses they were unprofessional and crass (they liked telling dirty jokes, despite my request not to be told dirty jokes). Too long to tell it here but lets just say that the dream happened before I was fired and fell into a category that clearly pointed out a problem I was having and that it would be resolved. It was solved by the firing. I have no regrets about it.

My theory is that at some point in the near future, the ed will be overseeing operations of our department for some reason. My theory is there are more staff changes coming. I've told this dream to two other people at work right after I had it. They laughed. I never laugh at dreams I have.... I usually end up crying over them. I actually hope this dream is beans.

I'm going to lunch with Loraine on Thursday. That will be a nice change. Always good to visit with a friend.

Fading Lights

I got word that a friend of ours from 1978 died last week of pancreatic cancer. I haven't seen Mark in over 30 years but this news upset me terribly. He was a GI who our pastor had met while canvassing at a rock concert. He was converted and I never met a more charming and warm person. Mark always had a smile and when he talked to you he looked directly into your eyes. He sometimes preached and he was so good. He meant everything he said and he always said good things. There was such a sincerity in Mark Gonzales. Over the years we wondered about him and his wife Terri. Where were they? What happened to them?

 As soon as I heard the news I immediately thought, "I have to tell Jerry. He'll be so upset." And of course, that is impossible. Because Jerry is dead, too.

And so went the evening. I came home and simply became something else. Less than human, really. I didn't know what I was crying for and all I could really think about was how much darker the world becomes when the bright lights are turned off and how so many of the lights in my life had gone out. Too soon.

In 1978-79 we all lived in a place called King's Kastle, a church, christian school, and, lol, nearly a commune. It was a big old house in Frankfurt, three floors and a huge basement with a wine cellar that was turned into another living area. Communal kitchen on the first floor but some of us had small electric burners in our rooms.  I actually had a tiny two burner, bread-boxed sized stove! Our room was probably 20x12. Every room on second, third and basement floors were living areas for tenants. The pastor and his wife, a bit more than mine and Jerry's age, lived on the second floor. School and church were on the first floor.

Jerry and I lived on the third floor and I was pregnant with Mike. It is here we met Mark, and a dozen others we came to feel were family. Soldiers, some with their families, far from home who found a warm place. We had church together, potlucks, ball games, parties, and even shopping trips. We had our own spaces, but we shared our lives. I've never had such a wonderful experience as living in that place.

Today I remembered it. And wished for it again.

Totally Cool....

Not Interesting Enough

Not Interesting Enough

I am a widow, as my regular readers know, since January 2009. My blog for the last three years has dealt with that journey. I've talked about the difficulties of facing the death of a spouse and the adjustments widows must make alone. I've also talked about how society sees and treats us. For those still in denial about my view on it, here is a very good example. The above link is to another Blogger site, Widows Speak, that I subscribe to and it sums up the world view of a widow pretty well. 

I have to say here that after I read this I was so angry that had the man in question been within two feet I'd have beat him to a bloody pulp. He is the stupidest of the stupid, the dumbest of the dumb. Anyone who has this kind of mentality should not be making television shows. I'm being nice here. Really, really, r-e-a-l-l-y nice. 

But read for yourself. 

The Power of Music

Saw this posted on Chris' FB page. I'm stunned, shocked, moved and hopeful. Amazing and beautiful reaction.

Wrong Again?

So, computer models can't actually predict the results of global warming? Wow...Healthy Polar Bear Count

I Will Rise - Alex Boye

Coldplay

A Jumble of Stuff

I have a four day weekend to look forward to. I've spent the last two hours sitting here reading blogs, Facebook, and G+ posts and drinking a cup of coffee. I have no plans for the day. Sue will come soon and clean house for me.

It . . . is . . . COLD in S Indiana! A chilly 46F!  For over a week temps ranged near 80F most days. Now, I need a jacket. I am hoping tomorrow will be a bit more comfortable. I must acknowledge that the day is beautiful through the window. Brilliant sunshine and a lovely blue sky. It is just that the breeze is cold.

Easter is this weekend. Church will be very hectic I suspect. We will probably have a lot of children and that changes the dynamics of the service. So, while I will go I don't know how I'll enjoy it. I have not got eggs to dye yet but I will try to  get them tonight. I don't think Becca even has a basket for Sarah at this point. Must be sure that she gets one. The yard is perfect for egg hunting.

My week has gone swiftly because I was busier than a hive of bees. An increase in files to manage is going to mean I'm constantly running to keep up. This is not a good thing as I've come home totally exhausted and unable to unwind. I'm really tired this morning because I sat up late but I woke at my usual time! I didn't get up until 8:30 or so but still, that seems early. I went to bed around 12:30 last night. I was watching t.v. shows.

Sarah was over for a bit with her parents. She is just growing up so fast. So funny. They went to the store to get us burgers and we watched t.v. We were watching a very old Popeye cartoon. This couple got married and the preacher said "I now pronounce you man and wife." Sarah didn't miss a beat and deadpanned, "Husband and wife" and looked at me. I, of course, agreed.

Play-doh may have to be put up for a while. She makes such a mess but just loves to play with it. I need to try a floor cloth before I do that but the last one I had didn't seem to matter. It is all over this messy carpet. I need to get rid of it.

Will I write this weekend? I hope so. My plan is to do so. I haven't done anything in a month and that is frustrating.

My blogs have become increasingly boring. I think there is just not much going on. I've planned to take off the second week of May to go on a canoe trip with my family in Florida. I also am planning a trip to the beach for a day at least. So, a few weeks and I can have a nice relaxing break... yeah. You all know how those have gone in the past.

WRoE: Accountability Day for March

I'm a day late with this but since there was virtually nothing done in March on my novel. I did 3 hours on the 3rd of March and that was it for the month. I think that's around the time we realized someone was getting terminated. I also had some pain problems during the month and wasn't resting well.

I don't suppose it matters. I'm frustrated by it but I'm not going to cut my wrist over it. It happens. It wasn't a good month no matter how I try and polish it up. From day one it sunk like a stone and I'm thrilled it is gone. April hasn't started terribly well either but it is early days yet.

On a positive note, I did get some things done around the house.... but it doesn't count for this.

I'll try and sit down and do some planning this week.