Another Annoying Week of No Car

 Here we are, mid-February. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I never have gotten anything for Valentine's Day since I was a child and my Daddy would bring in chocolate candy in little heart-shaped boxes for us. I always thought it so sweet. 

My husband did nothing like that. Not in 35 years of marriage. I think I got a card a few times. I shouldn't be surprised since I was the one who remembered all the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries and sent the assorted cards and, if necessary, gifts. Still, it is one area I still find very hurtful. He never remembered it. 

My sons have bought me flowers a few times when they had money, and that was always nice. Happened maybe twice each in their lives. I only get birthday cards from my aunt and my sister. When they were small, my sister took them shopping for gifts for me on special occasions. Again, that was nice. I have a couple of nieces who have done some special things for me a few times. 

Ever wondered how it feels to be unimportant? Imagine never getting a card or gift from someone you love on special occasions. Imagine buying your own Christmas gift and wrapping it and putting it under the tree. Yep. Sure did. He wasn't very thoughtful in that way. I tried not to think about it. But he wasn't happy when I started unwrapping those gifts at Christmas and raving over my own purchases. He did get Christmas gifts, if he remembered, last minute, Christmas eve bathrobes because what I wanted was already gone and he didn't want to spend the money. I still own two of them. I bought him nice gifts for Father's Day, his birthday, and Christmas. That is something I can say. 

I've never told people that, but I'm kind of in a bad place these days. I'm tired of all the drama of my family. I'm tired of being treated like an idiot because I disagree with their opinions and ideas. I'm tired of being important when someone else needs something and forgotten the rest of the time. It has taken me a while to remember I lived 20 years with no children. It was less painful, and I was pretty happy. I love my kids and they've been a joy growing up. You don't realize the price will often be painful. 

In other news, I still have NO CAR! The title I mailed to the address the claims office gave me never got there and has not been returned. So no payment. I spent $40 to get a new title overnighted to me. I have to spend another $20 to ship the new title to the agent. It will NOT go through the USPS. It will go FedEx. What I've spent on the title alone I could have driven to Indianapolis, an 8hr round trip from my home. How hard is it for an envelope with a TWO TRACKING NUMBERS to be lost?

Lately, I've experienced a tremendous amount of joint pain and cramps. No idea why. I was off my meds for roughly 6 weeks while the insurance worked out my records. That triggered much of it. However, the cramps in my arms, legs, back, sides, etc are inexplicable. I should get back to the gym, but at the moment, I don't know if it would cause more harm than good. The muscle cramps are not good at all. 

My D levels were too high and they've taken me off all vitamins for now. Not sure what happened with that. It's happened twice over the years and I can't figure out why it happens. I suspect that it is another deficiency that is causing the issue. A med I take prevents absorption of D, but for it to jump up randomly is just not logical.

Anyway, we wait and see and recheck in a few months. I hope it remains at a normal level. If I don't have to take extra, that would be outstanding. 

Have a good week. Be kind. Call your mother. Or your dad. Or your aunts and uncles. Say nice things and mean it. 

I'm going to bed now. 

Shocking Findings

Well. The old year is gone and we have a brand, spanking new year. With brand, spanking new problems. Isn't that nice?

My car was totaled December 17. Not sure y'all knew that but if you're on Facebook, you might have read it. It is now January 26 and I still have no car and no payout from the insurance of the person who hit me. I'm so annoyed. A whole list if issues resulted from that. The claims adjuster went on Christmas vacation and left me hanging. 

Word of caution here: Auto Owners is the worst insurance agency I've ever had to deal with in an accident. I've had three accidents where the other driver totaled my car but this is the first time I've ever had nearly two months to settle. And they're not very helpful. People didn't answer the phone, didn't respond to my voice mails. Yes, I'm aware it was a holiday but has anyone ever seen an insurance agency who didn't have claims adjusters working at all hours of the day and night? Of course, it could have just been the agency I was dealing with but they've convinced me never to buy insurance with them.

I had my second round of Covid the week after Christmas. Rebecca, my ex daughter-in-law got sick first. I really think she'd have died if I hadn't got to her when I did. She could not breath. I brought her and Madilyn, who is only 6, home with me but Rebecca got so bad I had to take her to the hospital. They gave her monoclonal antibodies and that really helped get her back on her feet in a couple of days. I was not very sick at all and needed only cold medicine and acetaminophen. We both got back to business in two weeks. Madi seems to have missed the bullet.

Yesterday I had a nerve conduction test done, my third in four years. This time they sent me because I keep waking up and my hands are numb. Really numb. I can't feel them or use them. If you've never had a nerve conduction test, think Taser, on repeat. 

They take an electrode and send a shock through various muscles in the area you're having a problem with. Then, they start over with needles and jab, no really jab, those into the muscle and send the shock through the muscle while telling you to push against something, tightening the muscle so they get a reading of how well it is sending the signal. This is very uncomfortable and increases the feeling of electrocution. Yesterday, I had about 10 shocks on each arm: 5 electrode shocks and 5 needled. He hit a small vein in my hand and I bleed a bit. Took a bit for him to get it stopped. However, I say again, this is not a painful procedure. Well, not much.

The nice neurologist gave me the results immediately. In my right hand I have carpel tunnel. In my left hand, I have a pinched nerve in my elbow. He wanted to know why they operated on my neck when it was my hand that was the problem. I explained the ruptured disk and how my whole left arm had been affected. He said he didn't know how they'd missed the elbow problem. I had no answer to that since it was their doctors who checked everything but I suspect the compressed spinal cord was a bigger priority than my elbow at that time. Since I'd begun to have fainting spells, it was for me. 

So, now I have to go to my doctor and probably get sent to another, or two other doctors. No idea. Don't you love surprises?

That's about sums up my January... well, mid-December through January and since there are about four more days this month, who knows what joy awaits. 

May the Lord's face shine on you. May your road be smooth and your burdens light.

Happy New Year or What Next?

 

Happy New Year, my friends. I wish you joy, happiness, and blessing from God. May the coming year bring you only good and may you live and declare the works of the Lord.

Limping Along

 You get to a place you think life is going to be normal. "Normal". Right. I don't have a clue what that looks like. You understand what I'm saying, though. The field is level. There are no surprises left. No place where scary things can hide. No tears left to cry and nothing deep to feel. You just are cruising along.

Tonight I was going to watch an old mystery movie from 1953. YouTube is full of old movies from the 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s that you can watch for free. Some even older. I actually started this movie, The Limping Man. It was interesting and stared Lloyd Bridges, one of my childhood favorites. Frank Pryor flew to England to see an old flame from the war. There was a suspicious death right at the beginning and you don't know if the victim was the target or Frank.

But I got about 10 minutes in where Frank was in the apartment of his sweetheart from the war when she walks in, and she ran to him and they threw their arms around each other. That was it for me. 

See, I could remember when I was a young wife and Jerry came home from long assignments. I remember that gasp of joy and the feel of arms around me and my arms around him and the breathlessness of being in that moment. The words we said were being echoed on the screen. Yeah, that was it for me. 

Just so you know, there is no normal. You just limp along and hope the scary things stay hidden.

Hectic Days, Changing Seasons

It's been hectic around here. I've done a little sewing and some editing as pain allows. Did a little crochet, but I've had a terrible time with my hands. Lots of pain and swelling. That's not a good sign. Stress and weather changes working their magic, I guess. For a couple of weeks, we've had lots of rain and the temperatures fluctuate wildly. It does bad things to my joints and muscles. 

I cut my den curtains off and made them window length. It just became more functional, and I find I like it much better. I'm planning on doing some more sewing soon. I'm waiting till Becca gets moved, so I've got room to spread out fabric.

She's getting moved into her new apartment this week. I've been busier with her and Madi here, but it has been in a good way. Madi is a joy to have around and the hugs and kisses are a comfort. I'm not sitting doing nothing so much and, if I am, I'm not so depressed. It is also nice to have conversations, to have someone to go to church with, and just hang with once in a while. I'll still watch Madi when she works at night and pick her up from school as needed. Once they move, I'll miss them but they're less that 10 minutes from my house. So, I hope the benefits will outweigh the bad.

Today was my birthday. Madi and Becca made me breakfast. That was nice. My sister brought me a card and a gift. I had a couple of calls and friends and family on Facebook sent birthday wishes. A nice day, really. 

Still no contact with Sarah. When she's allowed to have her phone, she tries to call, but her calls are being monitored and limited, as are her text. They're afraid she'll say something they don't want anyone to know. Not sure what state secrets she could share, or that I'd find enthralling, but apparently she's a security risk. Sad to see a family relationship destroyed so badly. Once she is free, she will hate those who held her hostage. Takes years to repair, if it is repairable. 

I am going to bed now. For days I've been exhausted. I even had a long nap today and I'm still tired. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. 

Seeing Red - Indiana Can't

As of yesterday, the car is finally in the shop for repair from where the second person rear-ended me. Yes, the second person. A month ago at a stoplight, a person hit my car. Thankfully, there was no damage. A week later, I'm hit in the rear again at another traffic light. We stopped both times for a red light. The people behind me didn't feel the need. This time, the bumper and trunk need repair. 

Tell me please what you don't understand about a red light or stop sign? I mean, in every culture on the planet, it means the same thing. And yet Indiana doesn't get it. Every time someone has ever hit me was from the rear when I stopped at a traffic light or stop sign. Every time was in Indiana. So I think I know what I'm talking about.

Red means stop EVERWHERE! The Hexagonal red sign with the big words STOP needs no clarification if you have a driver's license or finished first grade.  

How many rear ends, you ask? At least 6. All in Indiana. All but 1 in Evansville, Indiana. 

On Saturday, I left my keys in the car in the ON position. I was stressed and having an awful weekend. When I got up to go to church, my battery was dead. I called Roadside Assistance since I have that on my insurance and they jumped it off. However, apparently when a battery goes out on the new cars, amazingly annoying things go wrong. The first time it knocked out all the setting on my stereo and my radio started blaring every time I start my car. I hate that. I've never been able to fix it. This time, it turned off Auto traction, power steering, and some other really important things. We tried everything to fix it, but no luck. I googled for information but it wasn't there. We suspected it was a code issue. In new cars, there is no power steering fluid. Everything is electrical. So this would have to be a computer problem. 

Since it was going into the shop the next morning, I prayed over it and hoped they could resolve the issue. They ran a check but had to call Ford for the solution. Disconnect the battery cables and wait a few moments. Reconnect. It worked.

Here's my gripe. Mike called Ford. They gave him a quote to check the problem and one if it needed a new module. It would cost $1100 to replace it. What do you think would have happened if I'd taken it in? 

Note to self" consider never buying another Ford product. This is my second Ford and probably my last.

I expect to have my car back by Thursday if all goes well. 

Other things are going on as well, but I'd rather forget them for a while. I'm having a fibro flare and for days now I've felt bad, today being the worst. So, I'll leave things here for now. 

Life On The Ledge: Sometimes It's Crazy

Life happens here on the ledge and I'm sure, in that valley down below. On the ledge you constantly feel at any moment you could fall over the edge. 

Sarah's mom is moving back to town, and she is going to court to regain custody of Sarah. Sarah doesn't want to live with her dad anymore. Dad is my son. I really love my sons and I've hoped and prayed for them both all their lives. The situation is very sad now. He blames me for her mother trying to take her. In fact, "I planned and plotted this". I actually didn't, but I did not to interfere. I'd been seeing things I had concerns about and prayed for God to take steps. I had nothing to do with her mom's decision. He's not let her mother see Sarah for two years. So, I suppose if someone tried to prevent me from seeing my child, I'd take steps too. 

Wrong is wrong, even when it is my own. 

I've talked to Sarah, and she hates living with him. She loves her dad, but the wives became a problem for her. Sarah is not perfect and has difficulties. They knew she has problems, that she was in counseling for them, and on medication. That all stopped when she left here. She's placed on meds that weren't good for her, taken off meds that were, seeing a counselor who was besties with her then step mom. So, no chance of non-biased help. Then she kicked them to the curb, because she couldn't cope with Sarah's problems. Six months later new wife, new state, a new set of problems. Sarah, again taken off her ADD meds, given anti-depressants, taken off the vitamins she took, gained 15 lbs at least, is having periods lasting months but is told this is normal. No, it is not normal, and all this suggests a metabolic disorder that runs in the family. Yes, I've told EVERYONE. I know nothing, apparently.

We traveled to watch her baptized. She begged her dad to let her come visit (after her mom and my sister asked and were told no). He deigned to give her 3 days. They sent her home in hand-me-downs with one bra and two pair of underwear and flip-flops. Despite our sending her new dresses (they threw or gave away those because the new step doesn't like my style). 

Once in the car Sarah said, "I'm not going back there ever." We were dumfounded. And horrified by her demeanor. However, she's in tears and angrier than any kid I've ever seen. For weeks now, we've worked with her. She's on Ashwagandha for the hormonal problems and back on her vitamins. We can't get her in school because the school was told we kidnapped her. Not sure who spread that around. It isn't true. Her mother and dad share joint custody. 

We didn't think they would allow her to come here because they denied every request made. She simply refused to go back. The police said they can't force her to go back either. So, we have honored her wishes. However, her mom can't get health care for her right now because she is on a plan there and they're not taking her off. She goes to court on the 19th to request custody changes. After reviewing the State guidelines governing this case, I suspect it won't be a problem. In fact, according to the guidelines, he is in contempt of court. I'm disappointed in him because he wants to be a police officer. But if you can't obey the laws, you have no business trying to enforce them.

As for Sarah, after a week of the Ashwagandha and a trip to the gym, she seems to be better mood. I miss the smiling and laughing Sarah that I knew before she went away 2 yrs ago. She's lost that, but in the last two days, there is a glimpse of her. 

There is a list of things that went on that weekend, but I'm so glad we prayed before we arrived and that we prayed for our own tempers to remain calm and civil and be courteous. My family was slammed with personal attacks while we were there. Yet, everyone kept their cool and got through it. I'm not taking part in any further discussions or harangues from anyone about what happened. No one should make a child feel they count for nothing and that the parents' desires are paramount to the child's wellbeing. I don't care who they are. 

If you pray, pray for Sarah. She's what matters.

Alterations

 Did you ever feel that every choice you ever made was terrible? If you had only changed one thing, your whole life would have altered course, and you'd be a completely different person, in a completely different place with completely different people. 

Yeah.

That's where I've been for nearly three months now. 

Who would I be if I had different parents? If we never made that move from the coast to their old hometown, where would I be? If I'd never gone to the parade, who would I have married? Would I have married at all? Would I have children? Would I have boys, girls, or both? If we never left our hometown, what would life had looked like? If we never joined the military, where would we be? Would he still be alive? Would I have gone to college? Would I care? 

One choice alters everything. 

Yeah.

I don't have any wise insights. 

The Greatest Invention

We consider the modern printing press the greatest invention of all time. It revolutionized the processing of written material for mass consumption. The printing press ensured all people would have access to the Word of God. This drove people to learn to read and write. With an educated populace, ideas and inventions grew from a thought to blue prints. The Enlightenment happened because someone created a machine to print ideas.

I had a great aunt that lived in the country on a farm in the Florida Panhandle. We used to visit on holidays or other special events. Our family reunion was always at her house around Thanksgiving and included at least100 people throughout the day, some of whom were ex-wives, step-children, neighbors and friends. It was an amazing event, and I loved it as a kid. We all did! When my aunt died, we were all saddened. No one could step into that gap. 

I know. I know. What does that have to do with a printing press? I'll tell you if you give me a second. 

We lived close enough to my aunt to drive over in a couple of hours, and that's usually what we did. I never remember spending a night at her house. Except once. I couldn't have been over 5 or 6. The sensation of being small remains. 

When it came time to prepare for bed, Mama told me it was time for a bath. We went to the bathroom, and she closed the door. When I turned around, I realized there was no bathtub. 

"Mama, how am I going to bathe? There's no bathtub."

She picked up a white porcelain pan trimmed with a red rim and said, "We're going to get a spit bath."

Now, I don't know if I said anything else. I don't know what expression was on my face. I can tell you that my recollection is sketchy but I distinctly recall a feeling of "Oh no we're not."

But we did, and my gaze kept going to where the tub should be. Right then I am pretty sure I was thinking the bathtub was the greatest invention of humanity. 

These days I prefer a shower. Every night when I get a shower I stand under the water and thank Jesus for hot water. Really. My aching bones, muscles, and joints revels at the thought of the streams of steaming water running over them.

Tonight I thought about this. I thought about the printing press and Aunt Minnie's bathtubless bathroom. And I realized they got it wrong.

The greatest invention of all time is the hot water heater. 

May Update

May arrived with showers instead of flowers. I hate this weather. I have nothing noteworthy to mention and to repeat a litany of my aches and pains will bore you. I'll spare you this month.

Plans for May:

•     Get back to the gym.
•     A trip to St. Louis Zoo may happen as well. Madi is coming to see me and we may run over there. 
•     Go South for a few days at least, maybe to Atlanta and then to the Gulf. 

Fingers crossed on that last one. I need some sun and some warm weather. I could also use some warm sand against my feet. 

I'm fairly disgusted with all my writing attempts. I've been unwell for most of 2020, and the start of 2021 does not bode well. I'm so tired of being sick, tired, and in pain. Bad enough to feel bad but the exhaustion that comes with autoimmune disease is simply miserable and hard to bear.

Mike has started his third week of employment with Amazon. I'm so proud of him for stepping out and doing this. If you have read this blog, you know he has some medical issues and some learning issues that make it hard for him to employ. And finding employers willing to work with his hearing problems and learning problems is very difficult. They usually just fire him rather than trying to work with his situation. This driving job seems to be designed for him. Prayers for him in this job. 

Sarah is in Ohio. I no longer get to see her unless I go there, but they have no place for us to stay and I can't afford hotel rooms. I get messages from her now and then, but that's all. I'm trying to ignore the intense pain it causes me. I thought it would be different that when she was in Arkansas, but it isn't. 

I have been doing the housework better. I found a video on YouTube that showed me an exercise for my lower back that really seems to help. It isn't a cure, but it helps lessen the pain. It also clarified for me, where the pain is located. My SI joints seem to be the problem =  sacroiliac joints.

I'm trying to watch my diet again. I lost 20 lbs last year before Covid lockdown. I gained it back plus. Going barefoot aggravated my plantar fascitis, so I now have to wear shoes constantly. But I can walk again. Another good reason to get back to the gym. 

For several months, I've been cleaning out rooms and closets, but I haven't gotten rid of nearly enough junk. I'm considering storming a room at a time and emptying it and then putting only necessary items back in it. I'll put everything in boxes and then decide what goes to charity or the dump. It would make it easier in the event I actually decide to sell the house. I keep thinking it is the best solution now. I have nothing left to hold me here.

That's May in a nutshell, I think. I am trying harder to come in and update this blog regularly. It seems I've lost my desire to write much of anything. I find life more pain than not and no one wants to be bombarded with reports of that all the time. 

If you're still a reader of this blog, thank you. And I'm sorry if you get tired of my whining. We all want to be heard, especially when we're in pain. When I look back over this blog, I see there has been a lot of pain. And loss. And I'm no hero. 

Have a good week and be blessed. While you're at it, bless someone else.

A Pie to Die For

From 1977 to 1979 we lived in Frankfurt, W. Germany (Now unified.) We visited a minister/military family named Shrum with some friends. It must have been some kind of special event, but I remember little but meeting them. 

Anyway, Sister Shrum gave me a pie recipe while I was there. I made it many times when we first came home to the states, and Jerry loved it. As with all things, I stopped making it and forgot about it. I have looked for that recipe for years with no success. 

This week, I searched through some letters from my time in Germany. I wondered if they contained anything of interest since I wrote home nearly daily during my pregnancy to close family members, but they were rather trivial. 

However, in all the trivia pregnancy stuff was a single gem: the recipe! I thought it would be fun to share it here. I don't know what happened to the Shrums. The military is like that, too. You make friends, move, and lose them. I tried to keep up with many of them, even have a letter or two in there to some others. No idea if I got answers.

So, here is the pie recipe. Warning: This pie is tart, sweet, and high calorie, but oh, so delicious!

1 graham cracker crust. (9 in)

1 can Eagle Brand sweet condensed milk

1 4 oz container of Cool Whip (don't think they make 4 oz anymore but you can measure)

1 6 oz can of Minute Maid Limeade, Lemonade, or Orange Juice.

Combine milk and one can of Minute Maid (any flavor you want) . 

Add Cool Whip and blend well by hand.

Pour into crust and chill until set firmly. 

That's it. The lemon and lime were my favorites. If you try it, come back and let me know how it turns out. I wondered how it would work with cream cheese, but I will not attempt it. I live alone and this pie would be the death of me.

#pie

#recipe

#minutemaidpie

April Came Smiling In

April arrived with much nicer weather, although she's a little fickle about it. Still, it is nice to have sunshine and warmer air. Today was almost too warm but I'll take it as it is. 
 

I haven’t got back to the gym. I planned to go back by May 1, but I want to go now. After the pain problems with my legs, I afraid to go too soon. Today, a walk around the yard to clean up trash from aliens, I struggled to do it. I dragged a trash bag around. It wasn’t heavy, but you’d have thought I was trudging uphill with a 50 pound pack. I couldn’t hardly walk the yard. It really is scary for me. I’m unsure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Sarah hasn’t been since her last dental appointment. I miss her so much, but I’m pretty sure she won’t visit unless she is at her Mom’s. It’s about choices. She calls once in a while, when she can be on her phone. And a text here and there. No photos, though. 

It’s been over a year since I saw my family in Georgia. As soon as I can, I’m going down for a visit. If that goes well, I’m going to Florida to see my family there. Don’t know where I’ll stay, but I have a tent and am not above borrowing a yard somewhere. 

Writing hasn’t been happening. I did eek out a bit here and there, but it feels as if my brain has just gone on holiday some place drab and boring. When I searched for some files on my computer a few weeks ago, I found that I have 5 unfinished novels about the same town and a family of sisters! I’ve spent some time since trying to put them in order time wise and writing here and there to finish them. Five! That’s just ridiculous. The trouble with NaNoWriMo is that you don’t finish one before it is time for the next one. I was in charge locally for nearly 10 years. This is the result. 

I can only hope I can finish them, but with my mind and body subject to this blinding fatigue, I have little hope. 

Oh, I went to church for the last two weeks! So exciting! I so missed it, and I can’t tell you how great it was to go back. 

I’m going to close out this post and see about food. I’m not sure what I want, but I need to eat something. I hope you’re all doing well. 

#prowritingaid

#april

#lifeontheledge

My March Catch-Up

 Life is moving on at a steady pace. Already it is the 6th of March. I feel like the world is in chaos but I've kept my windows and doors closed and banned all news except the occasional glimpse of a paper or a comment from someone who says, "did you hear about". My response is usually "No." 

I can trust both my sons to inform me of newsworthy events, the youngest more so than the older. Well, actually my oldest son reports on local events while my younger is very political and reports on national or global events. So, I'm as informed as I want to be. I see some things on Facebook but have limited myself to only small news agencies not affiliated with the network news. 

For the moment, I'm doing better. I don't know if I've posted about the problems I've had walking. In a nutshell, I couldn't walk without extreme pain in the back of my legs - hip to heel. It became impossible to move around the house for more than a few feet, and carrying anything was agony. 

A few weeks ago I remembered I have Plantar Fasciitis and wondered if that could be a factor. I researched and eureka! It could. I put on my shoes and 24 hrs later; I was walking without pain. This week I bought new shoes because they don't sell house shoes with heels. I have to wear a heel with my PF. Now I'm walking fine. 

Today the house is relatively clean, the cats are relatively happy, and I'm not so tired I can't do anything. My fatigue is compounded lately by changes to my BP meds, I believe. After I take them, I almost always have to go to bed and sleep for two hours. 

I haven't been writing as I'd like. Too much fatigue and I run out of spoons by the time I get done with my daily chores. By May I must be ready to get back to the gym or cancel my membership. I put it on hold because of my leg pain. I really hope I can go back before May, but I want to be sure I've allowed my legs to heal enough to prevent further injury.

Until then, I'll just keep being careful. I went and bought better shoes to wear inside. Not a house shoe, but a pair of Skechers that are stretchy and have a support for my foot. They're just for inside, though I forgot and kept them on the other day to run to the store. They're so comfy I forget them. 

And that's the way it is, March 6, 2010. Not much in the way of excitement. Do take care of yourselves and have a good weekend.

Just Breathe

 It occurred to me a few weeks ago that for the first time in 12 years I wasn't dragged into a pit of memories and grief over the course of November, December, and January. I admit it was a surprising realization. 

When the journey began, more like a train wreck than a journey, they told me the average time to recover from the death of a spouse was about 6 years. Obviously, I am an underachiever. I took twice as long. I can only attribute that to the accompanying PTSD that resulted from my experience. 

Maybe you could have done better. Maybe you know someone who did. I'm truly happy for them. I wish.

It took me a bit to understand what was going on with me. Apparently, my brain doesn't release trauma as easily as other folks do. I have memories from my childhood that can destroy my day in an instant. I've controlled this stuff over the years, but not without extreme efforts. Jerry's death nearly destroyed me, and even today, I don't handle stress with the same ease I once did. I break easily now, something that shocks my closest family members when it happens.

And I still have days when a memory can pop up and just wreck my composure. I sit and cry but it isn't the soul shredding of early days and the intense sadness that follows, I can cope with. 

Am I "over it"? No. That won't happen. I remember all the times I should have been nicer, more understanding, not taken part in an argument, and said "I love you" more. I remember every moment of the last 24 hours of his life. And I can't think about it. Ever. It is a nightmare I try very hard to avoid at all cost, sometimes failing. I remember the sound of his wedding ring striking the post of the headboard of our bed as he struggled with a massive coronary, and the deathly silence that followed. For months I heard that sound. And if I try very hard, I can still hear it. Just writing these words makes it hard to breathe. 

Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe!

The cliche is that time heals all wounds. Maybe. I'm not sure. I carry massive scars that no one but I can see. And believe me, they are deep and painful. I often ask myself if I'll ever stop hurting from it. I have no answer to that. Some folks find a new spouse in a few years. I haven't even considered it. I've met death once, up close and personal. He won that fight. The next time, maybe I'll win and Jerry will walk me home.

For now, I just try to breathe. 

In With a Fizzle

  2021 rolled in with a razzberry. I'm not impressed at this point. I hope your New Year started well.

I've actually done a lot this week. On Monday, I vacuumed the den and living room, washed three loads of laundry and put it away, made my bed, and cleaned cat boxes. I straightened up things that were a bit disarrayed with Mike staying here last week. He kept things neat and cleaned up after himself well.

Tuesday, I was pretty much a couch potato. The Monday marathon took its toll and sapped my energy. Today, a beautiful but cold Wednesday, I'm even more tired and I have some stomach issues. I always have the stomach issue for a couple of days after I take my Humira shots. I took it Monday so it is par for the course. I should be fine tomorrow. 

I have to pick up a few groceries today or tomorrow. Honestly, I get so tired of preparing food! You'd think I'd lose weight. But I enjoy eating. 

This week, I'm considering setting up a plan for myself. I get so little accomplished and my mind is so disorganized, I can't seem to focus on things. Perhaps if I create a plan, I can stick to it and see some progress. 

Won't be today. I've been so tired all day and did nothing at all up to this point. I have to go get Mike soon, so he can go to the store for me. Another job I hate! 

The only positive I feel lately is that I'm reading my bible and doing my devotions more faithfully. I've had some really great blessings and felt much better about some things that were bothering me. 

This is short and I don't see where I complained as much, so I hope you don't find it boring. 

Have a wonderful week. I really need to work on making this more interesting. (And proof read.)

Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

Scandal Mongers Are So Interesting

People love scandal. I don't know why. I suppose it is some dark place in each of us that is empty unless we're reading about, talking about, or involved. I don't like scandal but like anyone else, it makes me curious when people behave a certain way. 

I had a comment on my Facebook page from someone I have never named here but have posted about a situation involving them. I guess they felt the need to defend themselves. Never a good idea if you're innocent. I refer you to the post, Don't Poke the Bear if you're dying to know. I don't know what the comment said other than the first half dozen words, "We didn't raise our daughter" I deleted it before I saw anymore. I see no reason to say more than I have already said. I blocked the person from my Facebook page so they can't get into any more trouble. 

However, since I occasionally make public post that anyone can read, and this blog is an open blog, blocking is fairly pointless in these cases. Trolls will be trolls. I'm sure their "friend" who is so nice as to keep reading my blog to see if she can get any exciting tidbit to pass along will be sure they see the pertinent posts. I bet she even shared my link with them!

We all know people like that, they say they like you, but they keep feeding you negative things to make you mad. Don't know who you are, sweetie, but please keep passing along my posts! My traffic is going up since you did that! I wondered why it has shot up recently. How many have you shared it with? Did you share it with their church friends? I bet you did. Cause you're special that way.

You may ask why I didn't read the comment, and it is a fair question. When I told my son about it, he asked what it said. I tell you what I told him. "I don't know. I didn't read it. I'm not interested in anything they have to say." See, when you have evidence that you're right about something, nothing anyone says will change that. I have 4 years of psychiatric records that document what was happening. Four years. When she went to live with her Dad, her counselor was best friends with the stepmother. That is an absolute violation of professional standards. Who was she going to tell about her problems then? No one. 

So, I will say again to this friend. You are only getting more deeply involved in things that are none of your business. You are creating trouble for people you supposedly are on good terms with, and if they had any common sense, they'd be asking why anyone would do such a thing. I don't care what you do. 

BE ADVISED: This is my last warning to you folks. I've been relatively quiet to protect my girl from further heartache. I've named no names here and never intended to. However, do not attempt any further contact in any form with me or direct any communication to me. And don't call my son and make threats. If you do, I will report to the state agency that handles suspected abuse cases. There I will present the records of counseling sessions, psychiatrist notes, and the names of everyone involved. I'm not out to get anyone because it won't change a thing, but if you don't bug off, I will do what I should have done in November 2019. There are other children that visit that home and an investigation might not be as much fun as you had mistreating my girl.

Go quietly. Keep your comments to yourself. You've poked the bear one time too many. You won't get another chance to do that. I will make my next statement to Family Services in a certain state. 

Don't believe me? Try me.

End of November!

I guess we all know there are only 31 days left in 2020. November delivered a snow shower at a parting gift. 

I really think there should be a global celebration of good riddance. It has to be the worst year in the world's history, except for the years when the Black Plague was active 1347 & 1750 {est. deaths: 75,000,000 - 200,000,000}. I'm pretty sure things were worse. 

Whatever, I'm glad this year is ending. I don't have hope of a better year. We've seen the levels people will sink to in order to make the world a horrible place, and we've watched elected officials show their true colors. We've seen former humans act worse than the lowest snake, sub-humans. Burning cities, destroying businesses of people who worked hard to build them, willing to kill people for no reason.  We've seen corruption sweep through the electoral process and 50% of the public is just fine with it, as long as they get their pick. If it is someone else, they'll then become concerned citizens. Right now they're sycophants hoping for handouts. 

Thanksgiving didn't start well. It never does. But my son and his family drove in for the weekend, and it was truly wonderful to see them. His last marriage was a joke, and he could never come home for a visit because she was too good to come here. And I wasn't welcome at their house. Looks like he's married a much nicer lady this time. She did all the cooking! It was so nice to feel like I didn't have to impress anyone and that they were glad to be here.

I also got to see Sarah and spend time with her this weekend. That was a wonderful treat. I am so happy when I can spend time with her. She makes me laugh and feel more like myself. She always has done. After Jerry died, she was all that saved me. 

Mike and I are nearly through the COVID-19, I hope. We're still coughing and battling fatigue. That's the worst part to me. Wash dishes, rest. Change sheets rest longer. Sweep a floor, rest. Takes forever to get things finished and before I am, it is time to start over. For a while, I was sleeping 10-20 hrs a day, part of that in 2-4 hr naps. Mike was doing something similar at his house. I'm taking fewer naps. Upward!

I've felt better today. I think having my family visit and the improvement of symptoms are responsible for that. Now if I can just go back to church! I'm staying away as long as this cough persists. I'm not contagious, but I know it is disturbing to some folks. I'll wear a mask to make sure people feel safe. It doesn't work, but if they feel like it does, that saves me the trouble of arguing.

I start December hoping I can accomplish some things here at the house that halted with the Covid invasion back in March. You couldn't get things you needed and then we got sick. So, maybe we can do a few things. The garage is colder than a well, so it won't be fun having to use the saw, but needs must.

 

For now, I'm heading for a hot shower. I hope your November ends happily and December begins with joy and continues.

Covid 19 Arrived at My House

 Mike and I caught the bug. Yep. But we survived! We've been sick for about a month, as far as we can tell. It could be 6 weeks. We thought we had sinus problems, but this got worse until we were coughing. We thought a cold. Then came body aches and nausea. We realized late that we had no taste and smell. Well, I did. I had some taste, but it was all nasty. Soda tasted like cough medicine, a nasty one. So did orange juice. Milk was delicious! 

And through it all ran a fatigue that we could not recover from. So we've slept. Both of us slept off and on for days. Today, we're still fighting the fatigue. I average getting about one thing done a day. Today, it was my hair and getting clothes out of the dryer. That's it. Our bedtimes are roughly 8-9 p.m. and even if I get up at 6, I'm back in bed asleep from 10-noon. A week ago, I'd be in bed again from 3 to 5 p.m. It's been monstrous..

Let me say there are people far sicker than either Mike or me. Mike was sicker than I was, and he coughed far more and far worse. We're still coughing, but it is getting better. 

I bought electronic feeders for the cats and got them the day I tested positive. I was so sick. There is a video on YouTube if you don't believe me. I had people telling me to go to the hospital. So, I couldn't set them up right away. It allows me to schedule 4 feedings and I don't have to get up at 5 a.m. They're working beautifully. I got them set up yesterday and the cats, a bit stunned initially, are adjusting to a machine that feeds them. I reloaded this evening and am ready for the next 24 hours. So much easier than worrying about feeding too much or too often. 

I'd write more, but I'm tired just from this much. I hope you all have a lovely holiday with your loved ones. I'll be at home having a sandwich. Mike is coming over to "hang out". Maybe I'll fix Hawaiian meat balls. 

Neither of us really cares. It isn't much of a holiday for us. 

Dung On Toast

 So the cursed election is over and as usual, liberals are talking about "coming together" and "pulling together". Why? They didn't want it before. They don't care now. It makes excellent media content from a monumentally biased media to spread like dung on toast. I'm not eating it. 

These are the same morons who marched with vaginas on their heads, threatened to kill the president, held up bloody effigies of him, and burned down cities without batting an eye. The smack floating now is just more dung.

We're overrun with closet communist who aren't hiding anything from anyone with a brain. When my 14 yr old granddaughter, who never shown more than passing interest in the outcome of elections, says she's concerned about democrats winning, something is very wrong. 

But I won't bore you with my disgust with 50% of the human race. These dung producers are now in charge. Let's hope it happens quickly and they won't be too unhappy when they abolish the Bill of Rights or burn the Constitution. The ignorance of the current generation was a well-planned indoctrination of them. Russia told us in the 50s and 60s they'd do it this way. 

Mike is ill again with a cold. He sounds awful. No fevers this time. Of course, he tested negative 3 times for Covid from March through May. No point in having it checked again. He was horribly sick then and is no on inhalers from it. This past Monday, he started coughing and was not well. Thursday, I was sick with the same coughing and we both feel like trucks ran over us.

I started sweating on Sunday night. Had to shower and change clothes. I did the same on Monday. I weighed today and had lost a pound! I felt better, too. So good that I set about a gargantuan cleaning project for the den. By bed time I could hardly walk. I had a terrible night's sleep and woke up at 2 a.m. in all over pain. Went back to bed and was up a 8 a.m. I went back to bed at noon and slept till 2 p.m. I feel awful now. The rain started late this afternoon, and that's probably a factor in some of my pain. 

I have to clean and reorganize the living room this week and clean the two spare rooms for company. David and Sarah are coming next week with part of his new wife Tasha and son, Isaiah. 

I'm trying to get back on my feet with the exercise, but it hasn't gone well. I've never been so exhausted as I have been the last several months. I've worked out a couple of times a week for weeks. It won't happen this week, but I'm fine with it. I just wish I was doing as well as I was last winter. I lost nearly 20 lbs then. I've barely lost two in two months. It is so depressing. 

I'm headed to bed to see if I can get enough rest to make me feel better. I might have some real toast with butter before I go. And cinnamon/sugar!