I Don't Know If I Can Live With That

I've decided there is no use in pretending that I am better, getting better or will get better. It is too exhausting to keep it up. I'm just worn out with it.

I'm good at hiding behind a shield of work and busyness. I don't think much as long as I'm running on full speed ahead. But it is there, that looming darkness that I keep shoved behind the door, beneath the desk, under the bed, in the closet. The effort involved in keeping it at bay is just overwhelming.

I sat tonight and wondered how badly I really want to even deal with this anymore and realized I don't. I'm tired and sick of dragging myself through this house.

I talked to a nurse today at my Reumatologist's office. Her mother died in October and she said she was so angry at people who were happy. I told her I understood. We chatted for a bit on what she was going through and comparing our experience.

I, on the other hand, am bitter. I was happy once. I had all I ever wanted. A family. My children and my husband, our home was all I ever wanted. Only in the last six or seven years had things begun to really just fall apart. Jerry lost several jobs. He was sick. I was sick. The boys were insane. Mike's marriage broke up. Dave ran away from home and brought back a wife. Mike lost his disability benefits and can't find work. Dave can't keep a job. Sarah sick all the time. Just everything piling up until Jerry just broke under it all. I am caving under the final onslaught.

This woman has no other family. She is alone in the world with only one child and no husband. And I knew that the weight of that must be so horrible for her. I wanted to cry for her. I have this terrible fear that something will happen to my sons or Sarah and I will have nothing left at all. My whole life will have disappeared. It will all have been lived for absolutely nothing. A lifetime lived for nothing! It won't mean anything at all. Pointless. It will never have existed.

That is probably the most horrible consideration of all. That everything was meaningless. All the struggles and stresses and successes, grief, heartache, pain, and even joy will have been to no purpose and there would be no reason to have ever done anything or struggled so hard to survive. We could have sat back and done just whatever we wanted and not worried about tomorrow at all. We could have spent our lives taking whatever enjoyment we wanted. None of it would have mattered anyway.We could have lived much happier lives and probably longer ones because of not worrying so much.

Death is a leveler. He smooths out the bumps and wrinkles, and cracks in the field. They become nothing but chicken scratches in the dirt. You're left standing in that smooth, flat field and realize that you aren't important at all. You're here and you'll die.

You know that story called The Dash. About a preacher saying the dash between your date of birth and date of death is the life lived between. In essence, it tells about making days count and doing things that leave a mark.

But in truth, when you stand at the edge of a grave, the dash IS ALL you see. You can't escape it. The dash is a dagger, a sword, a sharp knife that inflicts a million razor cuts to your flesh and you end up in a heap on the floor, bleeding your life away. You reach a point where you begin to realize that the only thing you know for certain are those two dates on either side of the dash. The beginning and the end. What happened in between is erased and doesn't exist at all anymore except in memories and photographs. Or in journals if you were wise enough to record them. My journals were totally self absorbed and I will be burning them in a few months, probably on the anniversary of Jerry's death. Might as well erase it all. It doesn't really matter anymore because it doesn't exist. The purely metaphysical would say nothing exist and now I'd probably agree with them. Even the Bible suggest we're nothing but vapor.

Another woman I spoke with last night, the one who sent me the photo, lost her husband maybe six years ago. She is probably my mother's age and they were married a long time. She has children and grandchildren. She said, "It never gets better." Her pain doesn't stop. She sees him in the young man who plays the guitar in a church she attends. "He sounds just like George." She sees him on the platform playing the guitar when she comes to visit our church. She lives 50 miles away and can't come often. I know what she feels as she sits there. Her heart is ripped thorough her chest, twisted, and stuffed back in with no regard.

"It never gets better."

I don't know if I can live with that.

A Discovery

Someone sent me picture of Jerry from an old church picnic. He was slimmer an his hair not so thin. He looked so very alive.

There are no fires in hell.

Once through the gates it's just endless dark that scalds you from the inside out.

Back to Work I Go

The weekend is over.

I am resigned to Sundays being the most miserable day of the week. Never thought I'd say I was glad to see a Monday.

I never thought there would be a time in my life when everything was lost that mattered.

I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Hie Ho, Hie Hoe!

I'm off to work for three hours at the office. I really need to but really don't want to. The piles of paper on my desk are unreal.

I'm less depressed today and when that happens, one begins to hope for light at the end of the tunnel. It is a miserably gray day, nonetheless. I've been praying for sun. I can't stand this gloom any longer! I hate the weather here. I always have. A week in the Sunshine State is not conducive to a happy return to the Depression state. My childhood is filled with sun. All the years prior to 1988 are also sun-filled. That is the year we moved here and darkness crept over the face of the deep. 9 months of the year it is gloomy. No wonder my vitamin D is deficient. No wonder my depression worsened.

Anyway, I've got other things to do as well. The yard is knee high. But after a week of daily rain and wet conditions, that is not going to change soon. Heavy trash pick up came on the 21st and some of the bozos who go through it before it is picked up stole my trash can. Idiot, did you really think I was tossing a perfectly good trash can? It was there because trash pick up was the previous Wednesday and I had only just got back to town!

So, I'm off for now and may be back in a few hours.

Writers Meeting

I attended the first meeting of a new writers' group tonight. There were five of us who showed up. Doug is the only male and I met him last year at one of the NaNoWriMo meetings. There was also Sarah, our apparent leader and very nice lady. Katie and Kathy and my self rounded out the group. We don't have a name yet but it started off well.

It was nice to sit and talk to other people about something I really love and to hear their ideas. We spent most of the time outlining the structure of the group and meetings and deciding when we would meet. We've decided on every two weeks. Sarah will be checking into places we could meet besides Barnes and Noble.

When I left I realized I felt better than I have in a couple of days. I know that much of my depression is from being so isolated and having no contact or diversions. I'm not a really a very social person and I don't really like going places alone. I don't like shopping either, particularly alone. So, there is limited number of things that will be of interest to me. Before he got sick, we always planned day trips on the weekends. We liked doing yard work together too. We did everything as a couple until he began to get sick. Then, more and more I was left alone to do what I wanted. But he was still "here". I wasn't completely alone. Not like this.

So, I am glad that this group is going to be meeting twice a month. We will be reading each other's work during the week via email and meeting to discuss and critique it. That's a difficult thing to do but I actually like that kind of thing. I loved editing papers in college for friends and I got asked a lot. I would have loved to be an editor some where.

We will be meeting two nights a month that I have something to look forward to and reading the material and thinking about it will give me something a bit more positive to occupy myself with. Less darkness perhaps.

I'm tired. The week has been absolutely exhausting and I'm now so far behind at work. I was behind from vacation. I got in deeper when I had to take extra work after they fired the other girl. I had a move briefing yesterday, met with a landlord about an hour, training for four hours today. And I have yet another meeting tomorrow. Software meeting. I will be glad when they get the transition done. I'm tired of being our department expert. I'm scheduled to work three hours on Saturday overtime to try and catch up on some of the backlog. At least I get time an a half for that.

So, off to bed for now unless I find something on Hulu to watch.

You'll Get Your Quilt

This is from my GCFL.com joke of the day. Very cute.

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what what morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

Counselor Follow-up

I saw Dan tonight after work and he wants me on Prozac. Figured that would be his decision. Of course he offered all the usually "you don't have to stay on it forever" platitudes. I know he means it. But I've yet to meet anyone who ever got off prozac. If they did, they simply went to another antidepressant.

So, I am supposed to ask my doctor to prescribe it. I've no desire to do that. I will not become enslaved to this crap. People have been dying and surviving grief for thousands upon thousands of years, without the aid of mood altering drugs.

I pointed that out to Dan. He said yes but some of them just went to bed. I, it seems, don't have that luxury. Well, I'll have to figure out something else.

He said I could take it for a month and if it didn't work I could stop taking it. No problem. If it worked? Oh, well, in six months or a year I could stop taking it and see how I felt. Right.

And when I hit bottom after I go off it and decided I want to die instead of live without it? Well, I could go back on it if I'm not cured.

Right. That is NOT going to happen. If I'm going to be depressed in a year why bother? What happens if I have a change of health insurance that won't cover it? Then what? I have to learn to live without it? Yep.

So, how is all this an improvement? I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm going places. I'm just miserable without my husband around.

It took a vacation to realize I'm under too much stress with "normal" living on top of the tragedy of losing Jerry. My kids are a mess and constant source of hurt and worry. My job is stressful because of added responsibilities since they fired a girl. I've got concerns about Mike. I'm concerned about Sarah getting this flu. Mike getting it. Me getting it. Ad nauseum.

So, a little pill will keep me from worrying about it all. And when I go off of it there will be NO side effects? No, of course not.... well, that's what they say.

He said I was illogical.

He said I had irrational fears.

I told him that next thing I'd be committed.

He said no because I wasn't crazy.

Well, that's comforting.

Today is Wednesday... Yes it is.

I have to be in court this morning for my job. I hate these things.

I have to meet with the counselor at 5. I think it may be pointless.

I am tired and depressed and it has been cloudy ever since I got home. I suspect I'm a true southern girl who needs constant sunshine. I don't have a way to fix it.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

Today was the 30th birthday of my oldest son, Michael. He is wearing the gold tie in this photo.

Mike is such a great son. I am so thankful that I was blessed with this adorable blue-eyed angel 30 years ago.



<;So much joy in one little boy! What excitement we've had together.

He has such a great big heart filled with so much love.

'S Ok

Really. I'm fine. I'm o.k.

Cold is better.

Work is horrible.

Kids horrible.

Life is normal.

Who wants normal, anyway.

Black Sunday

It isn't home any more. I want to go home and I don't have one.

I thought I'd go to church this morning and I did. I thought David would let me take Sarah. He said I could last night. He changed his mind this morning. "Everyone at church is sick. She's sick." Same story all the time. It is never a good time. I never get to take her to church. You know, I was scared to death to keep my kids out of church. I always believe it was my responsibility to get them there, no matter what.

She was fine last night when she came in and hugged and kissed me. No cough, no sniffles. Nothing. She told me she loved me and missed me. She wanted to stay and play but he had waited until it was late to come over. He needed something. I gave her her toys and sent her home. He asked Becca and they told me I could take her this morning. But when I called at 8 to ask he said no. I didn't believe they would anyway but I really hoped they would let me have her today.

Mike was going but he changed his mind, too. Said his stomach hurt.

I went to church alone and it was terrible. My cough is back and I'm tired and I just want to see Jerry. I need to talk to him and I want to see him. I can't stand this any more. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to come to an empty house. I want to go home.

I should sell the house and leave. I have nothing left here. I'm alone and have nothing to stay for. I can't see Sarah so it doesn't matter anymore what happens. I can leave anytime. I can use Jerry's insurance to move his body to wherever I want to go.

I remember all the months before Jerry died how he begged for them to let us have Sarah for church or to go somewhere. He would sit and cry to see her. It was terrible and it is a terrible memory. I'm so glad he had that last whole day with her. He played with her.

But I don't want to do that. I don't want to sit and cry because I can't have her. Oh, I can see her. When it is convenient. But not to really go places and do things with her when I am off and ask for her. I can't take her to church. I'm promised I can but then it never happens.

I'm tired. I just want to see Jerry. I always had Jerry to take care of me and look out for me. We had each other and we tried to make the best of it. When it hurt, we had each other. We made a mess of everything.

I wish I'd made him quit that job. He could have been here a little longer. He worked for them, so he could give his check to them. For Sarah. And it killed him. For nothing. He worked himself to death for nothing. I told him two years ago he needed to stop working but he and I both knew it couldn't happen. We were so far in a hole each month because we'd given too much money away. I never saw his check. I found receipts where he'd spent it. Diapers, baby things, food, gas for a car he couldn't even drive.

I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him I'm sorry I didn't stop it sooner and make him quit work. I hate my life. I hate living like this. I hate it. I don't think I can stay here. Really. I don't want to anymore. I come back to nothing and no one. I want to leave.

I'm getting a lawyer next week to set up my will. I have a will already and I've arranged for my cousin to take care of everything should something happen to me. But I need to get a new, formal will set up. I'm putting all insurance payouts in a trust fund. No cash payouts. No lump sums. That way, Sarah will have a little something someday, not much but maybe she can buy something nice for herself that she didn't have to beg for from someone else.

I have to arrange something for Mike, too. I have no real money, just small insurance policies and a retirement account if I die before I retire. They will bury men but it won't go far. Still maybe I can get him a place to live so he isn't homeless. That is my fear. That he will be homeless. There is no one to care for him or look out for him. And he can be taken advantage of easily. I've already talked to my cousin and my brother about this and they have agreed to handle everything should something happen to me. I'm giving power of attorney to my aunt, cousin, and oldest brother. I trust them and I know they will make the best decisions and follow my wishes.

My cousin wants me to move near them. He'd try and help me find a job. I know he would do his best but he just started his own business and has a new family to care for. He doesn't need my problems. I know my aunt and uncle would be thrilled if I came there, too.

I just don't really care about any of it anymore. There is no place I want to be. Nothing I want except Jerry. I just want to see him and talk to him. I can't bear it. I can't stand being here and not being able to see him or hear him or talk to him.

I keep thinking it should have been me. It would have been better if it had been me but then I realize he would be even worse off. I took care of so much. He just reached the place that his heart couldn't take it anymore. It broke. Now, I'm not sure I can take it anymore either.

Second Flight of the Widow

I flew back to Indiana today. My aunt and uncle drove me to Jacksonville to catch my plane but it was delayed an hour because the weather in Atlanta was terrible. I was supposed to leave at 11:42 a.m. eastern time but the plane was 40 minutes late.

Once on the plane, we hit heavy clouds within half an hour. A bit bumpy but not terribly so. I was in a large 757 with three seats on each side of the plane. There was no one in the seat next to me so I spent the time reading my book. Because we were late getting in the air, they booked me a seat on a later flight out of Atlanta in case I missed my connection. However, that two hour layover I had just evaporated and I waited only 30 minutes to catch my connecting flight to Louisville, KY. It left on time at 3:50 p.m. eastern time.

That flight was a bit more bumpy. From the time we left the ground in Atlanta, where it was raining and buried in clouds, until we got to Louisville, there was heavy clouds. At one point, I looked out the window and above us was a ceiling of flat clouds and below us a floor of fluffy clouds. We were literally traveling in a corridor between layers of clouds. I was very strange looking.

This plane was a smaller jet and my seat companion was a young man whose wife sat across the aisle. She had a 4 year old daughter on the seat next to her and a 9 month old baby boy on her lap. The baby cried most of the way. I think his ears were bothering him but they didn't seem to know how to help. The dad was polite but not very talkative and I was nearly finished with my book anyway. After the usual pleasantries, we didn't talk much. The flight was only about an hour and I was on the ground at 4: 40 p.m. eastern time.

Once in my car, I was relieved to be headed home. I loved the vacation and had a wonderful time but I was ready to get back. However, I found myself depressed and missing Jerry so badly. I spent about half the trip crying and trying to drive. He wouldn't be waiting for me to get home and tell him about the trip. He had not been with me to enjoy it.

There had been times during the week when I felt very desolate because he wasn't there to enjoy the time together. I tried to push those times back and redirect. It was not easy to do. And on the way home, alone in the car, I couldn't stop all flow of memories of other trips and other vacations together and how they were gone and I couldn't call them back and couldn't relive them or repeat them.

There is nothing like that endless flow of memories that you can't shut off and can't seem to prevent. They come of their own volition, it seems, and will not be stopped just because you decide you don't want to have them. I've had fewer flashbacks but they still happen, sometimes every day, sometimes every few days. I find that when I'm tired I can't hold them back. When something triggers it -- an event, an action, a song, phrase, or sound -- there is just no way to really prevent reaction of my brain.

I got home around 5:30 central time (6:30 eastern) and I unpacked immediately and then showered. I've been watching movies, reading blogs, and posting my entries for the week. I've posted the videos but it didn't let me put the date on the videos. The blogs, however, I was able to post according to date.

I probably have a few photos and my aunt took several that I will try and get copies of but she will probably post them on her blog as well.

I have the writer's meeting on the 23rd. This is the new writer's group that is forming and I am looking forward to it. I'll let you know how that comes out.

Now, I'm off to bed. I need to be in church tomorrow.

Vacation, and my flight, has ended.

Friday Finale - The Blog

Today is the last day of our vacation. We went for a swim this morning and then to lunch with my cousin and his family. They just left headed home. We stopped by the luggage store to buy a new suitcase for me, one with wheels. I had such a hard time with my luggage that I felt it was a good idea. Nice wheels on it and I can buy other pieces later to add to it if I want it.

I think we are all sorry to see the week end. We've had a very nice, relaxing time. No running to see sights or anything. We've read, watched movies, and swam every day. There have not been a lot of people here so it was very laid back and we have had the pool to ourselves most of the time. We could just sit and enjoy each other's company and talk.

In a little while we are going to go back to the pool and swim and just sit around a bit and enjoy our last evening swim. The pool closes at 11 each night so we've been able to stay late.

I've loved the pool. I love the water and swimming and it has been pleasant to just sit and feel the warmth and the breeze. And a nice soak in the hot tub. I saw today they had a dry sauna and I wish we had known that to start. I love dry saunas.

We've also had lovely weather. Rain nearly each day but it never lasted long. Only one day did we have rain all day and we just stayed in and read.

So, tomorrow, I fly home and back to the real world. I will miss the lazy days of no worries and no demands on my time. I could get used to doing nothing but swimming, reading and writing each day.

I have been writing every day and I hope the posts will all be interesting. I know I've had fun with them. There will be a few videos but we didn't really bother with many photos either. There just seemed to be no call for them.

Monday Missions

Monday Missions

Monday I woke coughing... as I have for days. The meds wear off around 5 a.m. I got up, drank some water and we bumped the air up. It seems to get very hot that time of the morning and I was sweating and that is when I start coughing. I got it under control but went back to bed for a short while. Only to wake again around 9 coughing. We all got up then and dressed.

We decided yesterday in our rambles that we would have breakfast at IHOP on Monday. My cousin and his family were to drive down and join us for the week so this would be our last day of somewhat isolated rambles. I don't know what they will want to do but it appears we will be going to a dinner theater one night and then perhaps to Disney World. I've never been and while I like theme parks, they aren't much fun if you are alone. Jerry and I loved going to theme parks when we first married. We didn't have children for five years and even when we did, we loved taking the boys. I know, there will be family here but it isn't the same as having a companion to do things with. And I can't write more about that at this point. It is much too painful and I'm here to enjoy myself.

We went to a mall after breakfast and shopped. I found a shop that sells luggage at a discount price and found a nice piece that would be a good size. My aunt thought it would be too expensive and I could find some at Wal-mart cheaper. I have decided that if I'm going to do this traveling thing, I have to have good luggage. So, I will probably go back and buy it before I leave. And they had a nice laptop case I could get too, with wheels. I will have to see if I want to do that.

When we came back we checked on internet and found they have a business center here where we can get on when we want to check our mail and read our blogs. Posting is still a problem but I am going to try and buy a flashdrive that will hold what I've been writing and take it over to try and post it.

I'm going now to dress for the pool. I love the pool and they have really nice ones here. I don't know what we will do for supper.

On Our Way!

Well, I am up, dressed and getting ready to load the car. I'm officially on my way to... well, the airport, silly. Two hour drive ahead and there was a bit of shuffling when everyone who had said they'd drive me couldn't make it. So, I'm driving myself and parking my car at the airport for a week. I'm nervous about that but has to be done.

I will check in as soon as I get somewhere that has internet!

Feel much better this morning although the throat is still sore and I woke coughing around 3 a.m. The codeine does help the cough quite a bit I found last night. I may take a small dose before I fly because it sure didn't knock me out! Didn't even make me terribly drowsy. I took my melantonin and that put me to sleep. LOL. I just don't do narcotics well. They either have NO effect or they cause all manner of unwanted effects. Oh well.

We're off! More late!

Dragged Through a Hedge

That's how I feel, as if I were dragged through a hedge backwards. That is another old saying. Death warmed over. The end of the week is here and I'm supposed to fly out to my unknown destination tomorrow morning. I am still sick. If you have watched the videos, you know, like my baby sister so eloquently put it, I look like crap. I said earlier this week I felt like three kinds of crap.

I saw an urgent care doctor yesterday afternoon. Mike took me and he said the guy is an idiot to say I can still fly on Saturday. He gave me a Z-pac antibiotic to prevent a secondary infection and some of what I am already taking but free meds are always good. The Z-pac upset my stomach a bit last night. I will take the next one when I eat later.

I have a regular appointment today with my doctor at 8:15 so he will be the final say as to whether I fly or not. Mike will be impossible to life with if he says I can't fly. Mike will think he has a PHD. He won't be happy if I'm cleared either. He doesn't want me to go.

Frankly, I am so tired. Despite the codeine cough medicine I did not sleep too well. Woke up at 4 a.m. and it had worn off and I was coughing again. I couldn't take it again because I have to get up at 7 a.m. I did take something for the stuffy nose and it helped but the cough medicine in what he gave me, well, I can't tell if it is working or not. I will take it all early tonight because 4 a.m. is an ungodly hour.

My cold sounds wet. Mothers will know what that means. My lungs are rejecting the crap that is in them. So, it is breaking up but I feel absolutely horrible. I just want to go to bed and stay there. I have to come back and pack for a week of vacation. Yipee. I do hope I feel better tomorrow. I can't imagine driving two hours to the airport and spending the day in the airports with this. I probably will be over the worst by Monday anyway but getting there is a long way. And I can't change my flights with that in mind.

Well, I'm going to get ready for the doctor's office.

The Best Laid Schemes O' Mice An' Men

Gang aft agley, .--Robert Burns

I've lain in the chair for hours with movies going. My head hurts when I cough and I am coughing a lot. My chest is still tight and my throat hurts... probably from coughing too. I've been drinking sodas most of the night but I'm going and drink a big glass of cold water in a minute. I did eat something earlier but now wonder why I did that.

I am so miserable and for the 1000th time wish Jerry were home to at least bring me a drink now and then. Or just pat me on the head. Sometimes when I was sick at night, he'd rub my back. It didn't make me feel better. It just was something to let me know I wasn't alone. I am.

I don't really have anyone to take care of me but me. Funny, I've said a million times I could take care of myself. Now I get to prove it. Sometimes we do get justice.

I don't dare let the kids come over. I couldn't bear it if I made Sarah sick. We are already terrified to let her play with anyone or go anywhere.

Friday morning I see my doctor, if I don't go somewhere before then. I may see if there is a urgent care clinic somewhere I can go to tomorrow. The ones on my insurance are closed now but they are not the best ones anyway. I'd rather go to St. Mary's but my insurance won't cover them.

I suspect I'm going to have to cancel my trip. I don't see how I can fly with this.
I'm sure it is a bad cold and I hope a good sleep will bring some relief. I don't actually want to give this to anyone else so I'm not concerned with the trip a whole lot. I can take another trip a bit later if I want. My boss is very good that way.

I'll just go to work instead of leaving town. But I really wanted to get away for a bit. I'll just have to think of something else if this doesn't happen. I could just drive down and take a long weekend with my aunt and uncle... once I'm well. They just got over some kind of bug where they were vomiting so.... this is just lousy.

More later. I'm truly hitting the sack now.

It Is Official

I am sick. I have a full blown cold. I just went and bought cough medicine cause I'm coughing my head off. I have a stopped up nose, sore throat, and the elephant on my chest.

So, not sure what I'll be doing the next couple of days. I don't even know if I'll be able to fly. With this congestion in my head I could rupture an eardrum. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning so I will wait to consider this until after that.

Bottom line, I feel like three kinds of crap. Take your pick.

Not a Good Day

I have to be at the dentist in about 40 minutes to get crowned and my day will probably run pretty fast after that. I work four days this week and then I'm off for a week.

It isn't a good day. I woke up and immediately and thought "I need St John's Wort." I can't take it however. The hair loss seems to have come to a relative halt. I'm losing hair but it seems to be a normal amount when I brush and not coming out all over the place. After I ate breakfast I had a bad spell. I'm under control at the moment, but it doesn't bode well for the day.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. That's what I do under my breath. I figure if I say it enough it will be true. That will be never the case but we all live in hope to some degree. I see my doctor on Friday and I'll mention it to him. I'm sure he will recommend a prescription antidepressant but that's not going to happen.

I've got too many examples of people who now have to take antidepressants for life. This is a 20th century phenomena. The increase in the incidence of depression is related to the industrial revolution. As we got wealthier, we got depressed. As the rat race increased, we got depressed. We became nastier people and we got depressed. The world became more aware of itself and we didn't like what we saw so we got depressed and made other people depressed. Depression is an illness that we caused. It has become a slavery. However, as long as I can deal with it I'm not picking up the chains willingly. I know my limits and I know how hard it is to come out of it. But I've done this before and I will do it again.

Maybe I just don't want to go to work. Well, that too. I don't feel tired or anything. In fact, I woke before the clock went off and a good thing. The alarm wasn't on. I distinctly remember setting it so not sure what I did.

I enjoyed my time off and doing what I wanted to do. And I got so much accomplished I should feel thrilled. But the hard work is still to do. I need to call the person I was told might be able to do some things for me.

Since it is early, there is nothing to write about but how bad I feel and I don't want to keep harping on that all the time. Although, I suppose that is what a journal is supposed to be used for, to spill all the chaos of life onto it's pages. It does help to write it but there are times I want to have something positive to write.

I've been telling you all that I'm going on a trip next week. In fact, I fly out Saturday from Louisville to an, as yet, undisclosed location. I am going to meet my aunt and uncle again. I will be telling you more later. Right now, it is a secret. I decided it would be more fun to keep people guessing than just give it all away. Actually, I don't remember the name of the place we are going. They are picking me up at an airport on the way. However, I will tell you the location is in the South. It is near a body of water. That's all for now.

I'm going to brush my teeth and go to get my crown. About time someone recognized my worth.

Labor Day Begins

I got up at 9:00 a.m.! Wow! I slept LATE!

I have spent the last two and a half hours catching up on blogs, playing a game, reading and answering email. Now, I'm wanting food. My church has a labor day picnic and I was going but I think this is one "first" I elect NOT to have this year. My husband loved to go to the picnic and we'd just sit in our chairs and watch the games or he'd stand and talk to the menfolk. He just loved being there. I can't do that today. I'm been feeling better and I just don't want to go there. Since I'm not taking anything for depression, it is too easy to do.

I am going to try and pry Mike out of is bed so we can eat and get started on the real work!

What's Wrong with Me?

I had a question in the previous post. Beefreelady asked why I had pain in my joints and extremities. Anyone who has read the blog for a year knows that I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromalgia

I wake up with pain and I go to sleep with it. No cures for it and no meds will eliminate the symptoms. It is what it is. So, because of that, I'm going to pick up heavy items and walk for miles when my legs hurt. Type all day when my hands hurt. Work in the yard when everything hurts and I can't get out of bed the next day. I simply refuse to stop living to become a slave to these diseases.

So, I do what I have to do and it punishes me later. That's o.k. cause I'm just going to do it again tomorrow. I may have them, but they don't have ME.

Not yet, anyway.

Seven Thirty Sunday

The clock went off at 7:30 and I thought it was a work day! I jerked awake think "Oh my goodness! I'm gonna be later!" I HATE that and it has been happening a lot on the days I am off. Perhaps the days are running together or something. I don't know but I really hate waking up like that. I may change my alarm sound for a bit to see if it helps.

Or maybe on weekends I can use a different sound. My sleeping brain won't be yanked back to reality so hard. . . maybe. {sigh} Just a thought.

Slept fine, I think. Kind of hard to tell if you slept well when you get jerked awake like that. At any rate, I slept hard.

I"m not writhing in pain this morning so that is a plus. Feet hurt. They usually do but not quite so much. Hands hurt. This happens off and on too but is more so today. As for the rest of me, well, not so bad considering it is a gloomy, drizzly day. My knees hurt a bit too but I think I can walk. Geezzzzz, I sound like a train wreck! Or that I was hit by something traveling at high speeds.

Anyway, I am going to get ready for church. I have several people who are supposedly going. We will see. Usually they don't. Mike will be so sore he can't walk. He doesn't get enough exercise and he's gained a l lot of weight since Jerry died. So, I don't expect he will be out of bed soon.

I am going to fix my hair and get dressed. I will be back after church but my plan is to sit down to the laptop and write some. Been working on mist a bit more since I go it. I'm trying to get into it again. November is coming and I want to have myself disciplined for it. This will not be impossible but it will be difficult. It has been my practice to find something to keep my mind off what has happened. That usually involves computer games and internet cruising, and visiting everyone's blog, and my Facebook account (I really am not crazy about Facebook but I do have some friends I like there, so I keep it.)

In fact, the game Farmtown on FB has been a great diversion. I realized when I got bored with it a few weeks ago that it was probably coming to an end. Seven months of planting, plowing, and harvesting and flowers etc have served their purpose. They have kept me from thinking many nights. Now, I want to do something else.

So, first vacation, then writer's group, then Nano, and then holidays............I forgot holidays.

I'm stopping there. I'll think about that later.

Writing Again....

I've been pretty busy during the day this week and pretty tired at night. I've come home, watch a couple of shows, and gone to bed.

But. . . my new toy arrived Wednesday and I am so excited. I got a new laptop! Yes, yes, yes! I did it! I have been playing with it to see what I could do with it. So far, I think I like. I have a web-cam built into it so I will be able to chat on Windows Live messenger with my family and do some video blogging too. I can take it outside and enjoy the outdoors if there is any more lovely days when I'm off! Keeps raining or is too hot. I will have it on my trip, too.

Today, for the first time, I took it to McDonald's on my lunch hour and spent the time writing! I was just so tickled to be able to do that. They don't have Wi-fi there so the internet was not a lure. I didn't go with anyone to lunch so no distractions. It worked great! And I'm ready for November write-ins if we have any here.

And we might! Recently, I was contacted by a woman who moved into the area who was a participant in NaNoWriMo in another state and wanted to meet those in this area. Well, now there are six of us emailing and trying to arrange to start a writers group. We're looking possibly meeting in late September or October. I'm really looking forward to that.

I've finally realized that I have got to find new friends and let go of the old. Well, not you folks . . . you know what I mean. But honestly, I don't guess there are any to let go of. You can't let go of what you never had to begin with. So, I'm looking for ways to meet other people with similar interests to my own. Just like I did on Multiply.

I got to thinking that since life as I knew it is dead and buried with most of my heart, there is no one to notice if I move on to other interests and friends. No, I'm not over it. I just can't stay here and survive. I can't stay in this house, in the dark and stay sane.

I am beginning to feel the effects of no SJW for three days. No terribly so but a bit. We'll see if the hair lost lessens. Just keep me in your prayers. I have no desire to start falling apart again. If that happens, I'll have to take it, hair or no hair.

I'm pretty tired now. Mike and I had a movie night and pizza. It was nice. We watched the move Thr3e. It was really great. I read the book last year and was so glad when he said they had the movie at the library. He watched it and loved it, too. About halfway through he said, "You know, Mom, there has not been one ugly word said in this movie." I told him I knew that but the writer was a Christian author and that movies don't have to have sex or dirty words to be good." That's true. They just have to tell a good story. And this is a really good story.

If you have not read the book, I'd encourage you to read it or rent the movie. It is a novel by a Christian but not a exactly a religious novel. It is a mystery about a seminary student that someone is trying to kill. It has a killer ending that will just blow you away. This is how they should be making suspense movies.

Afterward, I took him home and we had ice cream. It was a nice evening and I'm ready for bed. I will see you all back here sometime tomorrow. We are celebrating Sarah's birthday tomorrow night with the family. Her dad had to work on her birthday and so we are all having cake and ice cream here. And presents, of course.

Blonde Joke

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Naw......Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Happy Birthday to You!

Sarah Cheyenne is three years old today!

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

Passings

I just found that my friend, Just Cassandra's father passed away over night. Please keep her in your prayers. The next several months will be very difficult and painful.

Parades and Circuses

My leg was so sore when I got up this morning. Remember I woke with it hurting on Sunday. If you saw the video in my album, you know I ran all over my back yard with a certain little blond. Leg did not like it at all. I got to work at 7:45 a.m. and the day began with a roar. I limped into the building but spent the whole day on the run!

My boss walked in a few minutes behind me limping! He had sprained his ankle playing basketball over the weekend. He said he was waiting to see if it would get better. I sent him off to the doctor. LOL! Had to tell him it could be broken and he needed it checked. He came back several hours later with a boot and instructions to go back to the orthopedic clinic in 11 days.

I worked non-stop on files, stopping only to take a lunch break with my friend, Carolyn at McDonald's. We go there most days to sit and talk. Then it was back to work to try and finish my mounds of work.

In the afternoon I got an email from my author/teacher/friend, Ron Roat. You remember I mentioned him last year in a few posts and there is a link to his site, Remedial Academy, somewhere in my links section. He was my writing instructor from college. We've remained friends but he moved last year to Michigan. He was in town to drop his daughter off at the university and wanted to meet for coffee after I got off work. I agreed but had my appointment with my counselor, Dan, at 5 p.m. so it would have to be at 6.

I arrived at the clinic and had the usual "how are you" relay game where I make some attempt to prove my stability. He, like everyone that knows me, thinks I am a very funny person after a few minutes deduces that I am better.

I never understand the "you're so funny" statement. People always say it about me but I never get it. Is there something wrong with me that I don't think I'm funny? Thinking about it now, I realize that my whole family is funny. I have two brothers that can have the whole room rolling in minutes and people will be doubled over holding their sides and literally sobbing with laughter. My sisters and I seem to send people into tears over really stupid stuff. I have cousins who are hysterically funny. It seems we were blessed with this uncanny ability to make people laugh. But life was just hell for most of us. We're some of the most dysfunctional people on the planet. Well, not like the Bundys and Mansons, and those other folks. But we're not right. And people think we are just these hilarious folks! {head shake here}

Anyway, during nearly an hour of rollicking fun with Dan we discussed my concerns over my hair loss and the fact that I might soon have HIS hairstyle. I told him I thought I was better because the St. John's Wort was working but I was going to have to get off of it because I thought was causing my hair to fall out. He thinks it is possibly something else and suggest when I see my doctor in a week that I talk to him about it.

I left to meet Ron at.... McDonalds. Well it is a happening place. . . for me anyway. I seem to be destined to meet men either at parades or circuses.

Ron is always a lot of fun and I've always enjoyed our meetings. Usually it is mostly about what's he's been doing and I'm the listener. Today he was a good friend and played the listener. He asked me what happened. I told him. He seemed to know that was the right thing to do. And like all of you, said it wasn't my fault. Maybe I'll believe that someday. I doubt it but won't just toss it off.

So, what did we talk about? I talked about this blogging thing and you've got to know, he's not a touchy, feely sort of person. He's really an old softy but doesn't want anyone to know. But he's not sold on blogging for the sake of blogging or of hanging out the laundry. Doesn't think I can "help" anyone by any of this. I, of course, disagree. I help me. Totally selfish.

He told me again there is no God. He does that every time we meet. I ignore him because we will never agree on this and I refuse to follow endless arguments that can't be solved with people I admire and like. You're a believer or not and that's the end of it. I lose nothing by anyone's lack of faith. I can't convince anyone who doesn't really want to believe anyway.

So, we move on to writing, his and mine - he's published- I probably won't ever be but we both like talking about it. I rave over NaNo and actually got a spark of interest from the baby blues. We talked about his daughter. I remember sitting and talking with her when she was just a little girl with freckles. Segue to my kids, his work or retirement, his trip down, my trips - past and future. My flying - He's a pilot and of course, sympathized with those really bad ones from Memphis. Whatever flew into my head pretty much flew out my mouth. And he just listened and made Roatian jokes that made me laugh.

Do you know that when I left McDonalds two hours later I was smiling on the inside as well as the outside. I felt like I was breathing again for the first time in months. I smiled all the way to Walgreen's to pick up my meds. I don't remember laughing this much in a long time. It was a good end to a busy day and I'm so thankful for a friend like Ron.

I think that's what I've been trying to say for days, or weeks maybe. Friends are what make the unbearable, bearable. It is when loads get the heaviest that friends should step in and ask to shoulder some of the weight. I supposed the depth of friendship is what gets measured during times like this. You don't really know if people care until you actually need that care. What continues to surprise me is that those who loudly say they care are often those who care the least. I don't know how to fix that but I can make sure that I'm not the problem. I can make sure when someone needs to be heard that I am the one listening.

He really is a good teacher . . and a good friend.

Oh My Aching. . .

Pick one. Anyone will do. I think it was the fibro kicking in but maybe not. The clock woke me at 7:30 and my legs were hurting. My back was hurting. My neck was hurting and my hands. I think I got chilled. I'm not sure. I seem to be more cold natured than I used to be. Some nights I get cold and my air is not set very low. I think 74 degrees. For some reason about 4 in the morning the house seems much cooler or I am much cooler.

I went back to sleep and slept until 10:30... too late for church. Sarah is sick this morning too. She's caught Mike's cold. She didn't see him that much but I suspect it is just going around. Better she catch things from us since we seem to catch less nasty bugs than some folks.

Well, I'm going now. I've been lying around, chatting with my friend Alice and that is always fun. She's a very funny person and I usually end up in stitches talking to her. I need all the laughs I can get.

Maybe I'll pop back in later today. Don't know. If the aches are not too bad I will.

Lancing

It is true that lancing a wound will make it feel better. I've had injuries that became infected and after they were drained and bandaged they felt so much better.

After my meltdown this morning I had a better afternoon. No, I can't say I'm less angry. I'm just reconciled to it. I can't fix the world. I can't fix me. It isn't really my job to fix anything.

So, having vented, I left the house and had lunch with my son, Mike and exchanged some clothes for my granddaughter, Sarah.Then, we picked up Sarah and her mother, Becca. I took Mike home and the three of us came to my house to tutor Becca in math and Sarah took a swim in the turtle pool. Dave got off around 7 and came and picked them up.

I've just had time to get a shower and sit down to read blogs and emails and comments to my blogs. My poor aunt called and thanked me for making her cry. I had warned her ahead of time not to read the post today because it would upset her. Of course, her middle name is Eve. . .

I do have to thank all you brave souls who came in and felt you could post to that frightening blog. I do read all comments and sometimes I reply but I think I'd said all I could. What I did not say, you said for me.

I am also learning things from the comments people leave. They do give me some comfort. They do make sense. There is solace in having another human being say something, even if it is "I'm sorry for what has happened to you."

I've learned that one of the most common events in life is the least understood and acknowledged by those who will experience it more than once in their lives.

Think about that for a second.

When a baby is born we celebrate with gifts, and laughter, and showers. We call and write and send toys. Every milestone is met with fanfare and thousands of dollars in long distance calls. Photos of every step, fall, and giggle are sent over the internet, in letters, cards and even calendars. Every birthday is a monumental event until you're 16. After that, the tend to decrease is importance to everyone but you. But for 16 years, you get noticed.

Death, on the other hand, is a hurried affair. Ideally you want it over in four days and you don't want to EVER repeat it. The widow can cry all she or he wants until after the funeral but is then expected to appear in public fully in control of his or her faculties and ready to function normally. If you are fortunate to be able to take time off, well, two weeks should do it. The widow is expected to smile when meeting friends but no mention should be made of the deceased. After all, its over and done. It isn't like a first tooth after all.

No, dying is an embarrassment to everyone. I mean, it even out ranks prostitution. And guess what? It is contagious. If you live long enough, it will catch you.

Imagine also. At some point both of your parents will die. If you marry, you or your spouse will die. Losing a spouse is worse than losing a parent. I've lost both. Believe me. I adored Mama above every one else but losing Jerry was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I lost half my identity. The only thing I can think of that could be worse is the death of a child. God deliver me from that! And if you have children they could die before you. If you have siblings one or more of these could die before you die yourself.

Imagine now, after you have read all my raging against death, imagine the feelings of the wives whose husbands died on 9/11. Imagine the husbands, and children, and parents who death slapped that day. Imagine all the horror, all the pain, all the nightmares you've read in my blogs and that also followed their lives and still follow. Do they wonder if one of those who jumped out the windows was their loved one? Thousands of people were jerked into a nightmare from which there is no waking.

Think about all that for just a minute. All those points at which death can reach out and touch you personally. How quickly, unexpectedly and cruelly it can come. And yet, we don't know how to deal with it? Even worse is that we don't know how to deal with the people who are dealing with death!

Imagine that. . . . . I can't.

How did we get to this place where we do not know how to comfort the grieving? Exactly when did we become so disinterested in human suffering that we forgot compassion?

Anger Phase

WARNING: This blog post deals with graphic and raw emotions surrounding grief. If you are upset or offended by emotional displays or strong language, leave now.

It is Sat-ur-day. That's right. This is Ur day to sit. Says so on the label. I've been up since 6:30 more or less. Clock kept going off, I kept hitting the snooze until around 7 a.m. Actually I woke before the clock and dozed off until it sounded. I can't sleep anymore. Before Jerry died, I could spend half a day in bed lazing around. I loved it. Now, it is as if I not going to be allowed to enjoy sleep and rest again.

I've had two cups of coffee since then and done pretty much what the day demands. I have no interest in life at the moment... truly. Those who know me know this is not normal.

Am I better today? You know, everyone says (and I've repeated it before), "It will get better." "You will get better." I get really tired of it. I suppose they are tired of my grief by now. Most people were by the sixth week. You can tell. People stop talking to you. They don't call. They don't send cards or letter. Does anyone do that anymore? Probably not so it doesn't really count. Oddly, even people who used to email me don't any more. So, I've been cleaning my contact list, my email list, and my Facebook. To be a bit dark, they are dead weights.

You do not get over this, folks. You learn to breath underwater or you drown. If people are uncomfortable with what they read here, that's good. I hope someone gets so uncomfortable that the next spouse you run into or the next parent or next sibling you meet who has lost someone in death you will reach out and wrap them in your arms and tell them how very much you care and want to be there for them. And I hope you will mean it in six months, a year, or two years. If you can't do that, then walk away and never, ever speak to them again. They don't need you giving them anymore grief.

As a point, name the people you know that have lost a spouse or child to death. Now, at which point did you begin to think, I mean really think they should be better? How many of you made statement like these: "I just don't see why she's still carrying on this way." "He needs to move on." "She really needs to get over it." "Her husband died a year ago and she still gets upset? What a drama queen!" "He has other children...." "She can get married again...." "How long are they going to grieve?"

My bet is that those thoughts or similar ones, even if not put into words, have passed through everyone's mind after six months. I don't care how kind, considerate, compassionate you are, you've thought those kinds of things about someone you know who has suffered a loss by death. You were wrong.

I told a friend last night that I am cursed with an over abundance of conscience. I also have a memory that won't turn lose of trauma. I relive events years after they have happened. I had a traumatic childhood and so I suspect that turned on a switch that can't be turned off. I am predisposed to bouts of severe depression as a result of trauma. The last day of my husbands life are engraved in living color on my memory, right down to the smile he gave me as he shoveled the snow that probably killed him. Watching my husband die in my bed is not going away. My failures that led to that are not going away. All of it is in perpetual rerun. I'm not going to get over it. Those who think this way need to get over it.

I believe I've reached the anger phase everyone always talks about. I'm angry. Angry at God for the injustice I perceive this to be. Yea, yea, yea, I know he's God and we can't call him unjust. Actually, he will probably be less annoyed at me than you are. I don't know that he doesn't think the same thing about Jerry's death. I was unjust in so many ways. So many things I could have done differently had I not been so self absorbed and selfish and miserable with the way life had turned for us. It was ALL about ME. I forgot Jerry in the end and what he was going through. He'd been sick so long that I just got used to it and failed to notice the serious changes that were occurring.

We forgot each other. We sort of lived in the same house. Our work hours were not the same anymore and we seldom got to be together as a couple anymore, just talking and going places together. Our children were constantly after us for something. The "I need" syndrome. We loved doing things for them but financially, they were breaking us. After all these months finding receipts he stashed and remembering events, I realized he was giving a whole paycheck away every month "for the kids" "for Sarah". My God, he shouldn't even have BEEN working! How selfish we all were! We pushed him to work and he worked himself to death. In the last seven months I have realized that had we shut off the money anything but OUR living expenses he would not have had to work for the last two years! We could have managed on my income and his pension.

No, no, no, no! I could not have saved him from heart failure. I'm not God. I do realize my limitations. But I am a realist. His life could have been prolonged had I paid attention. His life could have been happier and more meaningful had I paid attention. I could have had good memories of our last days together! I DID NOT pay attention.

Do not patronize me by saying I couldn't know. I know MY failure. I know what I did, did not do, ignored, over looked, and simply remained blind to. And it is MY nature to admit when I failed. It is MY nature to regret being an ass. It is MY nature to wish, fervently, with every shred of my being that I could roll back the clock two years and start over at that point knowing what I know so that I can be a better person. It is MY nature to feel remorse and guilt and sorry for my behavior. I did not, do not want to be that selfish. And it is far to late.

Thank God for a conscience.

I'm angry at people who have done the same to me. They've looked the other way because they are uncomfortable, don't know what to say, don't know how to act, or the just did not give a damn to start with and were only pretending because it was their duty. You need to get over it. Life was not designed for your comfort. You weren't put here to make YOU feel better. I'm not the last person you will meet like this.

So, yes, I am at the anger phase.

In the first days of this I had so many people who helped with the funeral and feeding my huge family and for that I am truly grateful. But in six weeks, every person I spoke with disappeared. I've had superficial conversations when we "bump" into one another, you know the ones, "Hi. How are you. Good to see you." That's it. I've sat in my home for seven months and of all the people I know here, three have called my house three times. I see no one and I hear from no one... unless I go to church where I get that lovely little greeting. My blood relatives call daily and weekly.

Alice and I talk via chat frequently. Her sister died almost two years ago. My co-worker, one of the best friends I've ever had, has lunch with me EVERY DAY unless we have other obligations that prevent it. Her son died in September. These two women and I understand each other. We know you need, desperately need, human contact and companionship at this point more than you need food.

Do you know the salvation the internet has been? That's crazy! I have been blessed by the people who have reached out without regard to their own comfort level.

Does anyone know that some nights I sit and read my blogs comments and cry because someone, someone actually said something that made me think they cared what I was living in, someone wanted to make it better? They can't but they extend that hand. Maybe 100 words but certainly more than a front door greeting. It doesn't take much to be human.

No one knows who sent me the books in the mail on grief that have been so very helpful. I don't even know but I know they came from someone I've never met on my Multiply contact list who knew that was the only way they could help me. And honestly, they have.

My blog started years ago as a fun, carefree way to explore my writing and get acquainted with interesting people. It has more than met that expectation. I love the people I've met on my Multiply blog. But with Jerry's death, it has also become a vehicle to expose this reality I am living for the hell it is and that most people never realize it is. That I never realized it could be. It is a vehicle to put on "paper" what I can't put into words.

If I said these things to some people, they'd be pretty annoyed. Some who read this will be offended. It is unfortunate if someone is made uncomfortable by this. You will just have to get over it.

Maybe you'll be better by morning. But if you aren't, well, I guess it isn't MY problem.

Yes, I'd have to say I'm at the anger phase.

Was Ever a Day So Welcome

Friday at last. I'm so glad. My headache is more or less gone and the pain in my neck abated with that. It still hurts but within managable range. Guess we know another factor in that saga. However, I found that I had not taken my bp medicine for a couple of days. I had the scripts refilled early in the week but forgot to put them in my pill minder with the rest of the meds. So, my headache was probably a couple of things. I didn't realize it until yesterday.

Last night was really not good at all. I did manage to sleep ok. I dreamed of a dark haired man that I didn't recognize but he lay next to me on the bed and put his arms around me. I don't remember anything else. And now, after remembering it, I can't write anything more.

Nearing Nadir

The weekend is a day closer. I have had a terrible headache all day. I forgot to take an allergy pill but did after I got to work. I did my exercises, too.

I discovered have to stop taking the St. John's Wort, at least for a bit. My hair loss has escalated to worrisome proportions for me. I'm losing it at an rate that I feel is not normal. I see my doctor in a couple of weeks and will bring this up. But, I did research again on SJW and found hair loss is a side effect. I do not remember this being a problem when I took it over 10 years ago and I took it for several years! But I also was not taking other medications that also can cause hair loss. My BP medicines can cause this and I suspect it is possible that combinations may cause the problem to be worse. So, for now I'm taking it in the a.m. and will reduce that in a week or so.

I had to stop after that paragraph at work today because I got busy and the headache was just awful. When I came home I took an Imitrex. Only in the last 30 minutes have I felt any relief from that.

Tonight I am very bad. I can't watch movies very often anymore because I can't predict what will set off the flashbacks. No, they have not stopped. I'm just avoiding things that cause them. I happen to run across a Tommy Lee Jones movie. I have always loved to watch him in anything. He was dressed in a military dress green like they wore when we were in Germany. His build and coloring were so much like Jerry when he was in service that I simply imploded. I turned off the t.v. but the damage was done. Practically had to crawl up the hallway to the bed but then couldn't stay there and tried to walk the hallway. Couldn't walk either. Found myself more or less screaming in an empty house. I probably am fortunate that I live on a dead end street with old people. No one will hear me.

I can't do this. I simply can't do it. This is so horrendous and so unfair. I wish I had words to convey the impact of living a nightmare. I can't wake up! Sometimes I catch myself clenching my fist. Other times I find myself holding my breath, so much so that one day I nearly fainted before I realized it. I stopped but I started to notice that during the worst moments I can't breath. Maybe that's poetic justice.

It was not supposed to be this way. We were going to get old together. Life was going to get better now. We had hope for the new year, the first hope in so long, that things would be better this year. We were making plans. He wanted to know if he'd done the right things. I told him he had and we were going to start doing things for us.

I made him shovel the snow that morning. Even though I knew I'd never get out of that drive I had to try. And I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't do it. I made him do it instead. He would never say no. Never say I'm sick. When he didn't finish it I fussed at him about it. He said he'd do it later but he never did. He got worse as the day wore on but the house was full and I was busy with them. I never saw it.

I should have been taking care of him. All I did was complain about everything. I never looked beyond me. I was hurting all the time and that is all I saw. I watched him die and never lifted a hand, never saw him suffering, never realized that he was dying minute by minute right in front of me. In FRONT OF ME!

It all was my fault. How do you live with that? How do you get up, walk through a day and go to sleep with that pounding you over the head, stabbing you in the chest, punching you in the stomach? You can pull the covers over your head for a while but not forever.

I don't know. I don't know. I am just tired, really, really tired. I want to break the clocks, all of them. I hate watching them move forward. I hate the alarm more than I've ever hated any single thing.

I don't know how to salvage what is left. Maybe because there is nothing left. I don't leave this room except to eat, sleep and go to work. I don't want to go anywhere. I have no contact outside except my children and people I see at work. And I don't care anymore. It just doesn't really matter that much.

Saturday will be seven months. There isn't really light at the end of the tunnel. It is just more tunnel, a grave with the ends knocked out and a road laid for gawkers.

Emptiness

We all know when something is empty. It is without contents. Take an empty glass. It is a glass filled with nothing. But that isn't true really. The glass is filled, just not with something you can see or touch. It is filled with a gas. Air. So, in truth the empty glass isn't empty, and in fact, it is never in an empty state at all.

I suppose this would be true of all empty things. They say space is not empty, even though there is no air in space. There is lots of other stuff in space, some visible and some invisible. Science says that nature abhors a vacuum. So even nature doesn't acknowledge the existence of emptiness. It will rush to fill the emptiness, crushing the container if necessary, to fill the void. Everything is filled with something, even when you can't see it.

I am always gratified when spiritual concepts are confirmed with science.

In the center of my chest is a spot that you could fit both fists and still not fill it. Nothing is there but this great emptiness. The things that were there have been torn out, leaving ragged edges that scream in pain when something comes in contact. The walls have sealed off to protect and maintain the integrity of the structure. Still, it is a void, dark and hollow surrounded by a container attempting to maintain its form beneath the pressures of existence.

But science says this is impossible. I suppose in once sense it is filled. It is filled with the most terrible pain. Still, this is no protection from a vacuum. Breathing in a vacuum is impossible. Lungs collapse and blood will boil. Your body will explode as nature attempts to reinstate balance.

Unfortunately, when you are missing some of the parts of the structure, there is no way to maintain the integrity of the structure. It will collapse. It will be crushed. Nature. . . and I abhor a vacuum.

Turning In

Something I rarely do at this time of evening. I think I'm going to bed. I'm so tired and I'm concerned that tomorrow my neck and jaw will be truly painful. I have been forgetting to do my exercises. It was easier when I had a coach but now, remember to do them is difficult because I get busy and in a rush.

Do I have to make an appointment for everything!?? How annoying. I was never a "by the clock" girl to start with. My middle name was spontaneous. It was what people liked about me. I could come up with something to do at a moment's notice. Toss me a few words and I can come up with a story. Give me a scrap of fabric and I will make something. Give me yarn, I'll crochet. But tell me to exercise my neck twice a day and what happens? I forget.

Anyway, I'm tired and can't take another minute. I always get a bit depressed when I'm this tired and so I'm going to bed. . . after I exercise my neck.

A Quiz to Start the Day

1. What is the worst place you can imagine going first thing in the morning?

2. What is the worst thing you can imagine having done when you get there?

Anyone guess dentist & filling repair in that order? You get a gold star. I don't like going to the dentist at all. Not even for a cleaning.

I have a dental appointment this morning and then, on the way to work, I have to get my licenses plates renewed. We noticed over the weekend that they had expired last month. Jerry always took care of this sort of thing. I never had to think about it. I guess I do now.

So, won't be here long enough to really blog. I slept moderately well, neck is acting up because I'm rolling around and end up on my left side. I though I had that licked but apparently I've fallen off the wagon. I'm still sore but I am ambulatory so that is a plus.

I'm dressed and ready to go. My dentist is three blocks from the end of my street so it makes it convenient. I could walk up there in about 10 minutes or less. But, I'd have to walk back...

I made the rounds yesterday to everyone's blog and tried to leave a note for each. If I missed yours it was unintentional.

I also cleaned my contact list. I dropped about three people. They have either gone missing for more than 6 months or we've had no direct contact for that long. I try not to be one of those people who put things on my blog expecting everyone to come to me and never bother to see what they have to say. I visit your sites, although in recent months I've not been able to do as much of that because I couldn't think long enough to get through them all. So, last night I went through my history to see who has been by that I may have missed. And who no longer come by.

I selected my contacts because I actually liked what I read on their blogs, or they were already people I knew and liked, or they were related to me and I wanted to keep up with them.I didn't add people just to have a big friends list to show off. It is the main reason I keep my contact list to a manageable size. After you reach a certain point, it becomes difficult to keep up with everyone so it makes sense to only keep people with whom you actually share things and who want to share with you. I guess I'm nosy but I like reading about everyone's struggles and accomplishments. I feel a bit more normal.

I've said this before but will do so again. The last eight months would have been even more difficult to get through had I not had this blog and all of you holding my hands. You have all been a blessing in one way or another. As I start my day today, you all are on my mind. I hope your day is beautiful and blessed and that no trouble finds you. You that remain are keepers... most of you have been with me a few years. Faithfulness is a virtue.

I am off to see the dentist. Oh, his name is Dr. Pitt.

Evening to Night

Mike and I went to church this morning. I don't want to say I didn't enjoy it. That isn't exactly true. I love being in church. I can't say what was going on with me because I don't know how. I was simply terribly sad all through church.

I don't fit there or anywhere. I have no place, no purpose, and no plans. I am moving through time at a steady pace with no desire to make a stop anywhere along the way. I have no identity and no sense of belonging to anyone or any place. If I disappear tomorrow no one will notice. Or care. Jerry would have cared.

My pastor was at church this morning and while he looked as if he'd been ill, I know he probably looked good compared to what he has been in the last few weeks. It was wonderful to see him. Our associate pastor, Bro Alvey was also there. Bro Alvey is a wonderful elder of the church. Just one of those people who make you smile and laugh no matter what. He has had many health problems in the last year and so I've not seen him in months. It was truly good to see these too great men of God. I do love them both. My husband just loved them so much.

After church Mike and I had lunch at Grandy's and I took him home. Then, I came home, changed clothes and sat in my chaise in the back yard for the next couple of hours. It was pretty out. I tried to read and couldn't. I had my sun hat and my my mp3 player so I lay back in the lounger and listened to old radio shows I had downloaded. Abbot and Costello can make anyone smile, I think. I read a bit and just sat with my eyes closed listening. I could have dozed off but I became uncomfortable.

Why was I uncomfortable? I can't put my finger on it. It feels like someone is standing behind me. I want to turn around and look but when I do, no one is there. I know. I know. Weird. I can't help it. It isn't actually fear, just a sense of someone in the space around me. I have never, every had this feeling at home, particularly not when I was outside alone. I finally came in and played a game on the computer and messed with my hair a bit looking for quick fixes for a quickly graying mane. The last six months have taken a toll on several things I fear. I considered going to church but I just did not want to go through that struggle again. It is exhausting.

I am very sore tonight. I'm going to take a hot shower and see if it helps. I am hoping that tomorrow I'll be over the worst of this. It isn't as bad as it would have been had Mike not helped me. I'd have been down for a couple of days otherwise.

I don't know if I'll be back on tonight. I'm rather worn out even though I've done nothing. I am sure much of that is from all I did yesterday. I am glad that it is done. The yard looks much better. I should have taken photos of those rocks! I may still. I really want to just get rid of them. They are so much trouble.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead.

Why Sunday?

I'm dressed for church but it has been a battle. Why does Sunday have to be this nightmare of memories that simply send me reeling over the edge. I am so tired of it. I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over me.

I'm not really terribly sore, a bit, but not to the point I can't move around. The neck hurts most of all. But I simple get this huge wave of memories that just rush in and sweep over me like great waves, each one higher than the next and I can't take it.

It is so tiring and so disappointing not to be able to look forward to church, to feel as if I'm going to a funeral, for heaven's sake! I want to be able to believe I have a good reason for going and that when I get there I won't be miserable until I get out.

I am going to get Mike. He is going with me. It is a bit more distracting when someone goes with me but not much. Becca said she and Sarah would go this morning and I was looking forward to that but I can't get them to answer the phones. David didn't even go to bed until nearly 5 this morning according to his Facebook. And people think I have no life!

Well, I have to leave now. Maybe I'll come back on later if I can. I usually take a nap on Sunday but haven't done that much in months.

Lovely Saturday

I've finally run out of steam. Mike and I got the whole yard cut and actually did a bit of cleaning up. I still have to find a weed trimmer. Everyone seems to be sold out of the electric ones and I refuse to pay $100 for one I can't use myself. They are just too heavy. I did buy an electric one today only to find when I got it home, some parts were missing. So, I had to take it back. It was the only one they had. I was truly annoyed because the grass around the fences is about three feet high and I have to get it cut!

We cleaned along the drive way, straightening up the rocks that line it. They are so heavy! And over time they actually sink into the ground! I made two large piles at each corner of the drive. I'm tired of moving the darn things every year. My plan is to get rid of them at some point. Some weigh as much at 30 lbs! I just can't deal with it. We've only kept them because some people can't seem to stay in the tracks of the drive. I don't have a paved drive, it is gravel. People were driving all over the place, backing up into the yard. We've kept the rock and it has worked but now, with just me, it is way too much to handle keeping them straight. (People still hit them and dislodge and dislocate them.) Anyway, if they hit these piles their car will be messed up I'm going to have to be careful myself.

I am hoping that I won't be sore in the morning with all the moving and mowing. Mike was a big help today. He really worked hard. I had not realized how heavy he has gotten. I am concerned because all he does is sit in his apartment and watch television or videos. He is riding the bike to go everywhere and that is good but he really needs to get out and move around more. They denied him again on his social security, even though the audiologist suggested he needs a hearing aid now. He is totally deaf in one ear and the "good" ear doesn't work well. Oh, don't go there. I can't let this upset me.

I booked my flight today! I know my aunt and uncle will be so relieved! I bought the insurance in case I have to cancel for some reason. I don't know of one but you never know in my life when something will happen. I really want a nice relaxing week somewhere.

Many of you have said that I seem better. The stomach is better and the headache gone. So that is good. The depression seems to now be under control to some degree. Work has kept me very busy and I've been trying again to get enough sleep by going to bed at a decent hour. Trouble is, I'm waking up anywhere from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.! I am NOT a morning person, folks. I don't have to be at work until 8 a.m. and I live no more than 15 minutes from work. There is nothing to do that early for a person who is not focused that early.

I have been getting phone calls from brother #1 this week and of course, my aunt. My sons call me.... usually wanting something but they call. Becca, daughter-in-law, calls daily, several times if she can. We always find something to talk about... Sarah {grin} is an unlimited topic. Dave, now back from his job training, did call to chat about his new Magic Jack phone. You can look that up on the internet. If it works as well as it seems to thus far, it will save them a small fortune on phone bills! Free phone service anywhere in the country! I will be getting one for Mike so he can get save on his too. I may also do that. Jerry's sister called tonight to talk a bit.

I should have called her before now but well, you all know how things have been. I just haven't called anyone much and those who've called me are as you see, a small group. That's ok. I've learned the hard way who I can depend on. I spent many years in foreign countries. I've been more alone here than anywhere I've ever lived. And I've decided I'm probably better off knowing who my actual friends are rather than thinking someone cares who doesn't really care at all. Frees me up for healthier relationships, I guess.

Well, it is late and I am going to bed soon. Got a moving going but it is on Hulu so I can stop it anytime and pick it up later. Have a good weekend... what is left of it anyway.

Much Ado.... That's TO DO

Actually, I do have much to do but it is all outside and it is very cloudy! But the temp is 65 F. degrees! Amazing! It would be a nice day to clean the garage I supposed but I really need a bit of help with that.

Not going to happen in this life.

And I need to cut the grass but first I have to go get a weed trimmer. I can do it all myself and probably will I just don't know what shape I'll be in after I'm done. But I've decided to stop asking anyone to help me. Doesn't do any good anyway.

My house is CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN. I only have to do the dishes and keep things picked up. I still have boxes to go through in the den but have no inclination today to do that. I'm going to get dressed, go to lunch and then, see what I want to do.

You all know I am taking a trip in September. I am going to buy my plane ticket today sometime so my wonderful, sweet, adorable aunt (and uncle) WILL STOP ASKING ME IF I HAVE BOUGHT MY TICKET! I told her yesterday that I'm going to have the whole plane to myself so it doesn't matter when I buy it because no one is going where I am going! She laughed. Yes, it is a secret so don't even ask her! Even Mike doesn't know where I am going yet. He will know before I leave. Kind of nice to have a secret. All will be revealed in good time. Hmmmm, I may wait till return with photos.

I am seriously wanting to go to England in the coming year. I now know I have at least three contacts over there, well four if you count Katey, who has disappeared from blog land all together. One of my Cassandras is in Scotland! So, I am thinking a nice trip to the British Isles would be fun. Now to save the cash and vacation time...

Ok, I've got to get going. I'm hungry need to get dressed to go to the store.

Nite, Nite

I'm going to bed. My stomach is just not happy and ergo, me neither. I went to supper with Mike thinking food was the answer for the headache and tummy ache. I'd have very little to eat all day so seemed a logical idea. On my return, with no relief in sight, I lay on the sofa and watched television for about 2 hours hoping the turmoil would settle down. It hasn't. So, the only thing left is sleep.

I have to get up and get my license plate renewed... expired a month ago. God must have been watching out for me. I've not been stopped or ticketed. Now, if I can slip to the license bureau unnoticed....

Then, need to cut the grass and trim the weeds. Got to buy a weed trimmer for that. So much for saving money this month.

So, till tomorrow.

I'm. . . uh. . . Better?

I don't think so.

The headache is hanging on and I feel really bad. I slept all afternoon when I got home. Got up at 5:30 p.m. and went back to bed about 11:30 p.m and slept all night. I woke at 5 a.m. this morning but stayed in bed and went back to sleep for another two hours. So, I think it is fair to say I am not sleepy. Well, I shouldn't be but maybe just a bit. I think I could sleep if I could lie down and I wish I could lie down.

My night was uneventful because I watched Hulu and played games until I was no more than a mindless lump. My head just hurt so much I couldn't think. I just feel yucky today. Neck is hurting, and that is probably because of the headache. I'm going to get something to drink and maybe some yogurt for lunch to see if that will help. I really would like to lie down again. Mike is coming and I'll let him drive so I don't have to deal with seeing.

I don't want to have to take an Imitrex. I haven't had one in months. Actually, I don't know if it would help. It isn't a migraine kind of headache. It is right in the front of my head and in my neck. That is more like an allergy or bug of some kind. So, I'm taking an allergy pill now and see if that works.

I'll try to pop back in when I'm really better.

Achy, Breaky...Something Icky

I came home from work early today. Left at 2 p.m. I've felt bad all day. Achy shoulder, headache, calves hurt, feet hurt. Now a crampy stomach and diarrhea. Actually, I realized this afternoon that I've had a grumbly stomach for a couple of days. I kept thinking I was hungry but eating didn't help and I kept telling myself I wasn't hungry!

So, I've just had some green tea and thought I'd drop a post in here.

I got a subpoena at work today. One of the clients is taking his landlord to court. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully it is the week after I come back from vacation! I was really concerned because I'm going on a trip between the 12th and 19th. When they told me I had a subpoena in my box I thought, "Oh no!" I was relieved to see it said September 23rd.

I'm going to stop here. Got to make a little trip and I think I want to lie down. I shouldn't be tired but I am.

Taking Tests

I was browsing Cassandra's blog and links and found an interesting quiz. Sometimes these things are uncanny but other's I can't really see.

Your Soul is Searching

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

You Are Fantasy / Sci Fi

You have an amazing imagination, and in your mind, all things are possible. You are open minded, and you find the future exciting. You crave novelty and progress. Compared to most people, you are quirky and even a bit eccentric. You have some wacky ideas. And while you may be a bit off the wall, there's no denying how insightful and creative you are.

What Kind of Book Are You?

Oh, this next one is very interesting and too close to the mark!

You Are Original and Innovative

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Do You Know What Time It Is?

Can anyone tell me what time it is getting to be? If you guessed NaNoWriMo, you would be a winner!

Yes, my dear friends, you will all be subject once again to my angst and excitement over National November Novel Writing Month. As you devoted readers will remember it is 50,000 words in 30 days beginning 12:01 a.m. November 1 and ending at midnight on November 30.

Despite my lack of focus and my inability to think logically I am going to attempt to invent a story of at least 50,000 words. This year will be my fourth year participating and I hope it will be a third win. I'm give it my best. The fun of the forums awaits as well.

They issued the badges early this year. Perhaps to generate more interest. I would have to say if you are even a little bit of a writer you should try this. It is a lot of fun and you meet some great people. And the writing practice is truly wonderful. Working under such a tight deadline forces you to actually write! LOL, fast!

My friend, Cassandra C. is a friend from NaNo. Please drop by her blog and encourage her and keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I just found that she has been going through some very difficult things this past year. For one thing, they have found a tumor on her optic nerve. I knew about some of the difficulties she'd had but not that particular one. I do not know if she will try NaNo but I wouldn't be surprised. She seems to be one of those who will keep trying. My hat is off to her.

I've been both busy and very tired these last few days and have just not wanted to post anything. I'm going to be buying my ticket for my get-away in September. More on that later.

I'm also going to make myself order that laptop I've had my eye on. I keep putting it off but I think that will be my birthday present to myself this year. October is a little way off but an early present is not a bad thing.

I had a cleaning lady in yesterday. My daughter-in-law's mother absolutely loves to clean. And folks, she is a whiz! If cleaning has a mother, Sue is it! At the moment she is laid off for a few days and I requested her services. After I got home, when I opened my storm door so I could unlock the front door, I could smell my house. When I opened the door it felt like a weight had been lifted. Everything was dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, and put away. I was thrilled. Mind you, it wasn't very dirty to start with but I just knew it needed a thorough job of it.

And now I'm going to find a show to watch and then to bed. I've been so tired and I'm taking my medicines a bit earlier so I get sleepy earlier. May have to adjust that if I'm to get anything done.

OAK PARK CHURCH - Atlanta, GA

Link - Oak Park Church Podcast

My cousin sent me the above link to his (and my aunt's) church website so I could listen to their podcasts of services. I've visited their church several times and always enjoy it.

I didn't go to church on Sunday night but I did listen to their Sunday service.The worship service and preaching is on the podcast and you can drag the button ahead to get to the preaching sooner if you aren't into worship music.I am so I listened to the whole thing.

Tonight, I listened to last Wednesday night's Bible study. I agree with my aunt that her pastor is good. Grammy, this might be right up your alley as you obviously love the Word. This Wednesday night service was very good.

I've found podcasts to be rather interesting. You can get all kinds of stuff on podcast and many websites now have them. For people who may not be able to get out for health or mobility reasons, this is really be a great idea.

I'm not blogging much tonight. I'm considering going to bed early. My Monday was about a boring as it gets and that is never good. Means all the really crazy people will show up on Friday with catastrophic problems.

Maybe I'll watch something on Hulu....