Counselor Follow-up

I saw Dan tonight after work and he wants me on Prozac. Figured that would be his decision. Of course he offered all the usually "you don't have to stay on it forever" platitudes. I know he means it. But I've yet to meet anyone who ever got off prozac. If they did, they simply went to another antidepressant.

So, I am supposed to ask my doctor to prescribe it. I've no desire to do that. I will not become enslaved to this crap. People have been dying and surviving grief for thousands upon thousands of years, without the aid of mood altering drugs.

I pointed that out to Dan. He said yes but some of them just went to bed. I, it seems, don't have that luxury. Well, I'll have to figure out something else.

He said I could take it for a month and if it didn't work I could stop taking it. No problem. If it worked? Oh, well, in six months or a year I could stop taking it and see how I felt. Right.

And when I hit bottom after I go off it and decided I want to die instead of live without it? Well, I could go back on it if I'm not cured.

Right. That is NOT going to happen. If I'm going to be depressed in a year why bother? What happens if I have a change of health insurance that won't cover it? Then what? I have to learn to live without it? Yep.

So, how is all this an improvement? I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm going places. I'm just miserable without my husband around.

It took a vacation to realize I'm under too much stress with "normal" living on top of the tragedy of losing Jerry. My kids are a mess and constant source of hurt and worry. My job is stressful because of added responsibilities since they fired a girl. I've got concerns about Mike. I'm concerned about Sarah getting this flu. Mike getting it. Me getting it. Ad nauseum.

So, a little pill will keep me from worrying about it all. And when I go off of it there will be NO side effects? No, of course not.... well, that's what they say.

He said I was illogical.

He said I had irrational fears.

I told him that next thing I'd be committed.

He said no because I wasn't crazy.

Well, that's comforting.