Passings

It has been a difficult day. Jerry's sister, Sandra, called this morning to tell me that their 1st cousin, Janie, had died overnight. She's been in the hospital for about a week but there was no indication it was fatal. Sandra had called days ago to tell me that Janie was in the hospital with what they thought had been a stroke but was in fact fluid around her heart. Sandra had talked with her and she thought she was doing fine. Mike called me a while ago and said now they think that is was a brain aneurysm.

Janie was like a sister to Jerry and Sandra. She is devastated and it brought so much to the surface for me. She has so little family left. Just the baby brother and they are not close. I felt terrible for her. I am blessed with six brothers and sisters and I am so very thankful for each one of them. I too loved Janie. My husband just adored her. She was a laughing, funny woman.

I think I must have known something last night. I saw Sandra's number on my phone when I got home from work and I thought in my mind, "I'm so sorry Janie died." But she hadn't at that point. So I told myself that was a silly thought that Janie wasn't dead and that they would call me if something happened. And I went to bed. But she did die that night.

So, my day has been terribly depressing.

I sent an email to my assistant pastor a few days ago about people asking me about Jerry and seeming not to know he was dead. He called me today and we talked for quite a time. I just told him how very difficult I've been having it. He was very shocked by people asking and couldn't understand why anyone would not know. I told him to imagine how I was feeling. He said he would try to insure that people were made aware but he still couldn't understand why they weren't already.

I also told him how isolated I felt and how in all the months since Jerry died the only people I talked to were my family and people I work with and those of you here. As I said, we talked for probably 45 minutes and I told him I was not trying to criticize him but that I was in a terrible place. He did apologize because he said he felt like they had failed me. I didn't point out obvious things. I believe in forgiveness and I try very hard not to ever hold grudges. As I've said before, the people in my church are good people. I told him that I understood that part of the problem was that a lot of people simply don't understand how very terrible this sort of thing is.

I also told him that people like me need to talk. It is like a festering wound that will only heal by getting the poison out. I told him that I would probably feel much better this afternoon simply because he was listening to me and letting me say what I had to say. He prayed for me before we got off the phone. And I did feel better in the afternoon. Not great but better. I'm terribly sad and hurting but I'm not overwhelmed by it.

I just called Janie's son and left a message for him. I know better than anyone there are no words that will help. You just have to let people know how much you care and not forget them when the funeral is over. Fortunately, Rickey's wife and I chat online every so often so I stay in touch with them.

So, now I'm going to get a shower.