Lousy Week End Approaches

What a week. I have just had enough. I got back on Tuesday to a mad house. One of the receptionist doesn't much like answering questions, talking to the clients, or figuring out what they want. Hello? Then what exactly do we need a receptionist for?

The boss was out and I was left "in charge" for that day. Which simply means anything that goes wrong is MY fault. Caseworkers had questions, landlords had questions, the receptionist didn't want to deal with people coming in that wanted to see me right then. Never mind if I was on the phone, handling a problem elsewhere. "What do I tell them?"

ASK WHAT THE WANT AND CALL ME BACK!

Wednesday there was a clash with the baby boy. I won't go into it here cause I'm sick of begin yanked around when I don't comply with demands.

When I got home from work, I found that the insurance denied payment of the physical therapy sessions. Since they are expensive I was PO'd. It was after 5 but I called and yelled into the answering machine. Then, this morning I called and chewed out three other people. THEY were the ones who told me the insurance would pay for it. The insurance had told me they wouldn't but after talking with the hospital, they assured me the insurance would pay.

So, today, one of the three people I raked called and said it was a billing code error. I was one of two people that it had happened to and only three sessions had been billed incorrectly. They would fix it and I would not have to pay for it. Peachy. I cancelled my appointments this morning until I could get it all solved.

Said receptionist was being dingy. She emailed me and a coworker with this question. "What time do you go to lunch so I will know what to tell your clients if they come in?"

Now, if I'm not there and you know it is lunch time, what would you say to a client? I'M AT LUNCH YOU MORON! MAKE SOMETHING UP!

My co-worker said she didn't respond to the email and wasn't going to. I haven't either. Folks, this isn't rocket science. It really isn't.

This was not the week for every idiot on the planet to push my buttons. I have maintained my composure at great cost. I'm tired. I'm ready to scream at the next stupid problem. This woman has complained about every front desk duty since she has been here and she does less than any receptionist we've ever had and gets paid twice as much as any of the best ones did. Get over and and do your job! Try to appear as if you were worth what they pay you.

To top it all off, I realize I can't stop being assailed by thoughts, images, feelings, guilt, heart rending pain. Is there no way to get past the absolute horror of loss? It is simply a waking nightmare. You keep thinking today I'll get up and it will be different. I won't think about it. I won't have flashbacks. I won't fall apart or have to clinch my fist, teeth and stiffen my spine to walk across the room, answer the phone, speak to someone. It will be easy today. I'll be able to push it out of my mind.

I'm going to bed.

'Individual mandate' key to universal health coverage

Link

Second nail in the coffin of freedom. The first was when we elected a democratic majority. Get ready folks, this is only the beginning.

You WILL buy health insurance no matter what. Notice the phrase for you who choose to remain uninsured "will be penalized"? This means you will be punished if you refuse to pay for insurance you don't need or want. What are they going to do to you? Tax you at higher rate? Is the reason you can't get insurance because of the money? Well, they'll make you pay another way.

Welcome to America ruled by Demon-crats,

A Good Day for Praying

This would be a good day to pray for me. I'm not well this morning. Getting up was difficult and it has only gone down hill. I just feel sick to my soul and overwhelmed. You ever hear the phrase of a ship with out a sail? That's me, directionless, no clue which way to turn.

I just have to start taking the St. John's Wort again. It was having a bad effect on my skin but I can't cope without something. I will have to use a lot of caution to stay out of the sun but the sun really does help I believe. I do not wish to take prescription anti-depressants but I also really don't want to descend any further into this blackness.

I am on my way to PT now and then to work. Please, for those of you who pray, say prayers for me today. I do not request this lightly.

End of the Day

The day is winding down and I am on my way to the shower. It was not really a day where I found a lot of enjoyment. I got up early. Actually was awakened at 7:30 by the phone. I can't sleep in no matter what. I dare not turn the phone off because if something happens and people have to reach me they won't be able to. But I'm really tired of getting up early on my days off.

Anyway, I got up and did a lot of running before noon. Picked up meds, cleaning, dropped off old film for developing, dropped off two sets of paperwork for two agencies concerning Mike, came home and cleaned around my office trying to sort out some things. Then, watched a couple of Hulu shows.

Picked Mike up and dropped him at the plasma bank and went to Barnes & Nobel and bought three books. Would have bought more but decided not to at this time. I actually just sat in a chair and browsed a book for a few minutes and then just sat and let the smell of books soak into my skin. I usually love looking at all the different books but after a few minutes I was done. Mind you, I've lost hours in bookstores. This was not typical. And I left unsatisfied.

Then, Mike came back early because he couldn't sell his blood today. He helped me put up the porch light and we went to supper together. I stopped by the photo lab to pick up photos disc and just got done going over them. There were 10 and all but one was Becca's! I'm annoyed. I still have 8 more to develop. These all dated from 2007. I was hoping there were photos of Jerry but mostly they were of Sarah. I've copied them to my computer but I really wanted current photos of him. I am hoping that on my rolls there will be some. But we were taking photos of Sarah all the time and he was usually working or sleeping.

I've not really had a very good day. I got in an argument with Mike around noon and took him home annoyed. I went to the cemetery but I was so upset I had to leave.

This is so terrible, to feel this way. I am so tired of missing him. Isn't that awful. I want accept that he isn't coming back but each time I think I can do it, I need him. I'm tired of the house being empty. I'm tired of not enjoying my yard and home. I'm tired of problems I could always let him handle. He got to where he couldn't do anything and I would get so angry. I didn't know why he never got things done anymore.

He had always been reliable about the things I'd ask him to handle. But then, it got worse and worse and worse until he was doing nothing but sleeping. How could I have missed that? I was tired and hurting all the time and all I did was complain about how he wasn't helping at all.

I don't feel as if I've had a holiday at all. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I don't want to have to deal with any more problems. I'm really tired of thinking and trying to avoid thinking and trying to figure out things. If the hollow feeling were really a state of being, I'd feel nothing. Everything hurts and I'm tired of it.

I'm going to take a hot shower and get ready for bed. I have physical therapy again tomorrow and this time it is at 7:30 in the morning. I have to do it for this whole month, twice a week. I hope this month will be the end of it. I don't really care anymore whether I go to the gym or not. I'd rather just sit in a chair and do nothing.

I may try and find somewhere to go next weekend so I can get away for a bit. I just need space and I'm not getting it here. But then, I don't know if it matters. I have to come back to an empty house. I usually come back sick.

Well, what started as a fairly average blog has degenerated to a first class whine fest. I'm sorry. It has to go somewhere.

A Free Monday

I'm off work today and have just gotten dressed. I have to take my vacuum to the repair shop. I have to install a new front porch light. I have to get a timer for the automatic light on the garage. It is running day and night! I need to get busy pulling stuff and tossing it.

A lot to do and I won't waste time here talking about it. I'm wasting a lot of time these days. In the last week I've only just begun to feel like I can think through a process and figure it out. Action is still lagging but maybe I can work on that today?

Hope you all have a good start to your week. I am hurting everywhere more than anywhere else! My grandmother used to say that.

Thanks to all my wonderful friends for welcoming my Aunt to Multiply. She's enjoying herself, I think, and gradually learning to navigate the program. I know she has much to share because she's has a wonderful rich life to share. She won't think that but it is true. I told her there are many stories she need to be writing down for her grandchildren to have as keepsakes. I am a firm believer in the oral history of families being documented. So much is lost when our grandparents, parents and spouses die.

I have a great sadness because I know next to nothing about my husbands family. They never came around or contacted us. He used to tell us things about growing up but I never got him to write those things down! Now I can't share his memories with his children and Sarah. And so many things we shared that I don't remember but he would never in a million years forget are lost.

So, write your memories down for you children. Believe me, it will be special to them eventually. Maybe not right now, but when the winter evenings are long and cold and you have been gone many years, the warmth from them will be welcomed.

After the Ball... Fireworks

It was a nice but chilly night. Who would think you'd need a blanket in July? We didn't carry one and of course, it had to be about 65 degrees out there! I carried a sweater and a heavy shawl. Sweater on my body, shawl on my legs.

I give you only a brief glimpse here of what the 4th of July is like in mid-America.

Goths saunter down the levee in their regalia. Only Mike turns his head. It is a pretty lacy shawl she is wearing but the red dress. . . bit over the top.

Four Indians... the ones from India . . . are taking turns posing with the river at their back and taking photos of each other with their phones. One has his thumb pointed over his shoulder like a hitchhiker. I suppose so those who see his photo will know there is a river back there. He sees me looking and stops. I am laughing and talking on my cell phone describing the incident to my listener but he can't know that. I suppose that is how we look when we play tourist.

I tell my listener that all these foreigners ought to be the biggest flag wavers out here. She agrees. And she adds, they need to learn to speak English instead of asking for library books in their language! We end the conversation to rejoin our own celebrations.

A couple walks by with two children. A pretty little girl danced ahead of them and I glance back at the second little girl with blond hair longer than Sarah's. Becca says, "It's a boy." I asked how she knew. She said, "She called him Sebastian." I looked at the father. His ponytail should have told me. He's dressed in a pair of jeans, a blue shirt with some kind of logo on the back. I suspect a biker logo.

Several orientals walk past looking around at the natives as if they expect some of us to ask for directions to their restaurant. They always look scared to me. Is it something we said?

Several groups of black American youth trip by talking on their cell phones all at the same time because they live near the river and taking photos of it is unnecessary.Do black youth do Goth?

Oddly, and I don't have a clue why, similar groups of white youths appear to be talking to each other. Is there something I am missing? Rarely are there mixed groups, despite this being America.

Lots of families of all colors walk past, strollers ahead of them, or children dancing around them or walking into people because they are looking at the boats on the river. A tradition handed down as our is for 20 years or just starting out.

There do not seem to be as many black families but this area is said to have a low minority population. There appears to be groups of black males or black females. I presume they are your average American but they could easily be of some other cultural background. They don't actually talk. They do swagger.

Children and teenagers of various colors cautiously walk down the grassy slope of the levee to stand on the rocks or sit on them. One teenage girl slides the last two feet on her butt.

Mike talks to the guy nearby who works at the local criminal utility company, Vectren, for several minutes. They guys wife is working on the boat tonight. It will be a late night, I hear. Mike finally sits to give me a scoop but I do not care if the home office is located here. I want them to vacate as soon as a replacement can be found!

Sarah has a wonderful time looking around and saying, "Mawmaw, I got to tell you something." She proceeds to tell me whatever pops into her head. Actually she tells me about the flora and fauna she is seeing around her. Not sure what it all means but it seems to be the above phrase she is trying out rather than the conversation.

The sky darkens and everyone finds their seat and the show begins. Once it ends, everyone packs up their gear and begins an orderly walk back to the cars that are parked all over the area, some half a mile away. There is lots of laughing, talking, and general shuffling as thousands of feet head in all directions.

One woman is slapping her kids and yelling, "This is never gonna happen again." Mike is furious at the display and wants to do something. I told him there were enough of them to stomp a mud hole in him and to mind his own business.

Another woman stops in the middle of the walk and is saying in her cell phone, "You see that light? That's where I'll be. You don't see me, well, I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow." The crowd simply flows calmly around her.

Three girls stand off on the side of the path, in a triangular tableau looking at each other. One is on her cell phone. I notice one has a strapless long dress on. Muumuu? It's dark and I can't really tell.

At the traffic light the crowd waits while a policeman yells starts toward a guy driving a truck stopped at the intersection. "Come on! HEY, PAY ATTENTION! COME ON!" The guys comes to himself and waves, "Sorry officer." I think he was watching the lights waiting for them to change rather seeing the four policeman standing in the middle of the four lane directing traffic. Never mind the hundreds of people swarming across the road ways and along the sidewalks and cars at a standstill waiting on one man to move. No one says anything or move from the curb until the officer says, "You guys can cross now."

Finally, in minutes we are in the car and on the way home, by way of milkshakes at Sonic. So, there you have it. A vignette of the sights along the river walk tonight.

Happy Birthday, America!

A gloomy birthday it is. The sky has been overcast since I awoke at 8:00 a.m. and rain has fallen periodically here in southern Indiana. The plan was grilling out and fireworks on the riverfront at 9 p.m. We will probably still do that but not sure how it will work in the rain.

Back is PAINFUL today. Woke up stiff and my head doesn't like looking to the left. I couldn't find a pillow to replace the one I left in Georgia but I bought one I thought might work. It apparently doesn't. So, back to sleeping without a pillow. I've spent a small fortune on pillows in the last year. I'm done.

I sat in my t-shirt and panties until nearly 11:00 a.m. reading and cleaning out my favorites. I have hundreds of bookmarks and some are for sites long gone. I'm going through to see which ones still work and if I'm still interested in the content. I use foxmarks and this is relatively easy with their Organizer. Just opens them in a page and I click, visit the site and update as needed. When I am done, I will synchronize and my book marks on any other computer I use with foxmarks will be updated. Cool.

I dressed about an hour ago and looked outside. Raining. Hair is pulled into a pony tail. I'm considering another cup of coffee. I had something for breakfast but don't remember... oh yes, a Jimmy Dean sausage, egg and cheese biscuit from the freezer, nuked to perfection. And coffee. Yep. Delish.....

I've been working on a chapter of Mist. Got four pages in as many days. Not good. Got to get out of this slump. I'm never going to finish one. Never. What was I thinking of to have four novels over 50,000 words each and none completed? I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. And November will roll around and I'll do another 50,000 and what? Yeah.

I'm reading a book by Kathy Reichs "Devil Bones". I like her books a lot. She also produces the television show "Bones". I like that, too. I'd started reading her long before the show began. She is a forensic anthropologist. I always liked Patricia Cornwell but once I read Reichs I found her books equally good and I like her character better than Scarpetta. I'm over three-fourths of the way through it and not a minute of boredom.

My aunt's blog is underway. I've got her a background from where they went to New Zealand. She made her second post today. She even has some new contacts. I think she is quite excited about this. She likes people and will enjoy the comments and reading your blogs. And she's learning a new thing and she likes that. It is why she is so young at heart. She just never stops doing things. Sometimes risky things! She got on the back of a pillow cushioned couch to clean blinds and fell off backwards. She considered the danger of breaking her neck and promptly climbed back up and promptly fell off backwards . . . again.

We have all pointed out that when you are 70 you can't go climbing on soft items to reach great heights. We've pointed out the fun a broken hip will be for someone as active as she. We've pointed out the down side to a broken neck for her as well as for us. I hope she is reading this. You are the only mother I have left. At this point in my life, I don't need further grief. She is great fun and a the most wonderful thing God ever put in my life. I do not remember a time when she wasn't there. I dare not. Despite her multitudinous efforts to curl my hair to my pain and misfortune and her total failure, she is just a great lady.

Did I tell you all I made a Google Gadget? I did! It goes on your home page! Daily Dixiegirl. You can get a quick link to this blog, and catch up on the short version of what is going on. LOL, not sure anyone is going to be that interested. Just couldn't resist the temptation to make something new. Now, if any of you create your own, let me know and I'll put it on my homepage!

I had that second cup of coffee and it was nice. I have to go now and get my meds from the pharmacy. I also have to take them. I hope all my American neighbors have a lovely 4th. For all my other friends, you don't know what you're missing! Well, maybe you do but if there is a celebration near you, join in. No one will know or care that you aren't American. We love a party with good food, good friends, and good music. You'll fit right in if you wear red, white, and blue and sing God Bless the USA.

I'll be back later, I'm sure.

One More Breath

It would be nice to feel as if I was putting words here that meant something, that moved someone to anger, tears, laughter, or lofty ideals. I used to feel that what I wrote was fairly interesting and meaningful, that sometimes, what I was writing was important. Now, I feel I am simply filling up a page so I can keep up the appearance of blogging.

I've stopped taking the St. John's Wort for a bit. I was tired of the red skin and brown blotches that are appearing on my skin and I feel all right. No dark thoughts, no plunges into chilling flashbacks, no uncontrollable weeping or outburst. Just a kind of calm resignation. It feels like glass. Does that make sense? Shiny surface, clear, no streaks and through it a lovey view but hard, impermeable, brittle, and sharp. Right.

So, my words here fill a void. They take up space and make it seem less lonely. I'd like to be philosophical but I can barely spell the word. I've no idea how to actually be it. My idea of profound philosophy is "Life is hard. Then you die." But that has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

It is hard. You do die. The living suffer. It is over with the last breath and there is no sound like that last breath. And every thing you thought was important, that you couldn't live without, that you had to have, do, or see is blown away with that last breath. Every dream, hope, and desire is carried from the room on one breath. Suddenly, breath is more valuable than gold and more powerful than the force of lightening.

Breathe.

One breath separates you from eternity and everything that surrounds you becomes dependent on that vapor that you can't see. The sound of that last breath will haunt you the rest of your life.

One more breath.

Just one more breath.

The End of a Long Week

I have to work tomorrow and then I am off for the holiday. I need it. It has been a long and difficult week for some reason. I've been up and down emotionally and I'm so tired I don't know what to do. I am about to turn in for the night but felt like I should just write something.

My journey through the valley of the shadow of death isn't, I suspect, over by a long stretch. Ant times, the shadows overtake me and I feel as if I've been pulled into that hole with Jerry. It is hard to escape that. I go to the cemetery now and then because I owe him that. He would not want to be alone. He loved being in the room with me. But each time I see his name etched in that stone it is as if it is etched in my soul. Each time I pull away in my car leaving him is unbearable. Don't say stay away. I can't do that. Jerry wouldn't stay away were I in that grave and he left behind. He wouldn't have left me had it been his choice.

I've spent the last several days wondering where I go next. I suspect the exhaustion has something to do with it. I can't understand why I am so very tired all the time. I've taken my meds early tonight and probably am feeling them so I'll go to bed but I'd like to have enough energy after work to do some enjoyable pursuits once in awhile.

I got the estimate on having the trees removed. You remember I ran into an old friend at Rural King and he is in the tree removal business. He came by on Monday and gave me an estimate. A very conservative estimate to remove not just the two but two more that have to come out. It is still a lot but probably half of what he could have charged. In two weeks he and his crew will come back and remove all the dead trees. There are three that are dead and one that is just in the wrong place. It was a hedge that got out of control and is now a tree!

I hope this weekend I will be able to relax. We are planning on going to the riverfront and watch the fireworks celebration. I was looking forward to it but the closer it gets the less excited I become. This was a family event for us. Sarah shared it the last two years and this year, Jerry will not be there to see her excitement.

Good night all. I can't do anymore tonight.

Dinner Bell Has Rung

I'm going to lunch. I've called Mike and told him I'd take him to lunch. I've been away for four days and it will be nice to see him.

Yes, I call it dinner. A southerner to the bone. We have supper in the evening. LOL! With my Yankee friends it is still lunch and my sons say lunch, too. Habit from living in the north.

Anyway, I'll get on later if possible. I promised my aunt I'd create her a pretty background. So that will keep me busy for a bit.

It is lovely outside today but I put on sunblock to stop some of this tanning. I don't tan well. Freckle and blotches. Yuk! Freckles on an old lady look awful. Now need a good bleaching formula. The creams on the market irritate me. Anyone with idea?

What Would He Pay?

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore,
a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats
with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD
stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to
get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd
pay $17.95 for that hat."

Home Again... Tomorrow

I'm heading home tomorrow! Not sure when I will get in but I hope it is early enough to rest.

I asked everyone to pop in to my aunt's new blog but forgot to put her address down. Here is the link. Dixie's Aunt. You have all been great to my sister and I know I can count on you to welcome my aunt. I will be designing her a background this week once I get back home.

I find myself dreading the trip because it takes six-seven hours. I was really running out of steam by the time I got here on Friday. I told my aunt that this trip was my travel tolerance test. I've discovered the limit I can drive in one day. Six hours is plenty. It is 12 hours to the coast from my house.

I'm signing off for the night. I'll be back on in a day or two.

Hot 'Lanta

I am sitting in my aunt's den in Jonesboro, Georgia. It is hot out there folks! And my St. John's Wort did exactly what I was afraid of. I am photo sensitive. Every time I get in the sun for a few minutes, I look like I am sunburned. It stings for a bit but if I get out of the sun it goes away. I've been staying indoors. But that is why I came here anyway, to change scenery and get my bearings.

I've been setting up my aunt's new blog. She had one but it wasn't set up properly and so we deleted it and she now has a new one. I'd love it if all you girls who have been so wonderful would stop by and say hello to her. I don't know if she will get into blogging but she does't pop around and visit me. I've bragged on you gal so much, she asked me today "How do I get friends?" Y'all help me train her.

I bought a new pair of shoes and some tops today. We went to Penny's and Kohl's. Penny's St. John's Bay shoes are so comfortable and I wanted another pair of sandals like I already bought. The photos are in the albums and many of you commented on them. They didn't have them in stock but I bought another that are Strictly Comfort. I like them all right but they aren't as comfortable as my SJB's. I'm going to look for them at home when I get back.

I'm getting off for now. I'll be leaving on Sunday. Everyone have a good weekend!

Alligator Attack!

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Trip

I'm going on a little trip this weekend. I decided this morning that I have to go away for some much needed relaxation. I'm leaving Friday and coming back Monday. I don't think I will have an internet or computer during those days so you probably won't hear from me during that time. But I'll be back on by Monday night for sure.

I have a therapy appointment in about an hour and today I don't actually want to go. I just really want to lie down. I've been overly tired for a week now. I've been going to bed a bit earlier but I am just waking up earlier! So much for the theory that I'm not sleeping enough. LOL!

I've had a really horrible two weeks. I feel as if I've started all over and that can't be good. I'm not doing anything and I think that is the problem. I'm the kind of person who needs to be doing something constructive and game on the computer and internet reading are just not meeting that need. But I've been so tired and I can't get beyond the start of something before I run out of steam. I don't really know what to do or how to combat that.

I checked on support groups and there are none here. I guess no one else's spouses die. Or maybe their churches provide enough support. It is a heavily churched city - over 700 churches in a city of about 500,000. I don't know. I do know I can't keep operating this way. I am hoping a weekend away will help me get on track.

I've still not bought that laptop. I'm a bit paranoid about money at the moment. I've found that when I feel bad I want to go buy something. That has never been something I did. I've always been conservative about spending and when I had those urges I could handle it. I'd go and get a shake or drink or a book if anything. Or I'd walk around in the store until it passed. But now, it is harder. I've gone out several times and bought things and wondered why I did that when I got home. It isn't things I've splurged on. I could use every single one but this is how addictions are created. The other day I bought a display case for Jerry's flag they presented at the funeral and a frame for one of our family photos that I just love. The old frame got broken so long ago I can't remember. It was taken when the boys were not quiet teenagers. It is a great photo of a happy family, something we lost somewhere. The flag looks so nice in the case and the photo is a special one that should be hung.

I'm going to stop now so I can get some work done. I'll be back off and on the next three days.

Monday Morning Mullygrubs

I woke up again not knowing what day it was. That is so odd for me. When I realized that it was Monday I was plummeted into a depression. I do not want to be here this morning. Yesterday was not a good day in any shape, form, or fashion. I do not want to spend another day like that. I'm tired of feeling swallowed up.

And I wish I could wake up without pain of any kind. I had a bad spell last night that I don't know what it was or what caused it. I was sitting in a chair talking on the phone with my aunt. I had my arm behind my head and was sitting back in my chair. I shifted position and it felt as if someone slammed me in the side of my head so hard that my eyes felt as if they jarred. I got so dizzy that I thought I'd fall over and for several hours I felt lightheaded. It was very scary because I saw no reason for it. I checked my BP several times over the next hour and it was fine. I don't know if that was a sudden drop in BP, a drop in blood sugar, or if that place in my neck is a pinched nerve and when I moved it caused the problem.

When I called my doctor's office a while ago to see if I could talk to the nurse, they said the staff were all out today. O.k. I could schedule a covering doctor but that would mean going over my history with them. I don't want to deal with this today. And I still don't feel well. So, not sure what to do.

Anyone out there a nurse?

I think I am going to ask for Friday and Monday off. I'd like to drive down to Atlanta for a couple of days and just get away. We are only getting a three day weekend on the 4th of July weekend and I don't want to drive anywhere that weekend. I get 13 hrs of vacation a month so I should have plenty of time to do it. We'll see how that goes.

Ok, it has taken the better part of the morning to do this between jobs and I am going off for the rest of the day.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day here in the states. We use this day to give honor to our fathers. Most churches will have some little presentation for fathers. My church does this. All the fathers will stand and they will give each one a small gift.These are usually small tie pins or bookmarks. Then, they will sit down and when church is over the fathers will go out to lunch with their families.

I did not go to church today. We are not celebrating over lunch.

I am home today because family holidays do not seem to be of interest to any of us. We all talked yesterday and all agreed that today, we would not do Father's day.

I will call my uncle later and wish him a happy father's day. I may call my own father, whom I've only seen once since I was five but with whom I have reestablished tenuous ties in the last 22 years. He has done some nice things for me during that time and I appreciate them.

But the man who was the father of my children is not here. I can only sit and remember what we have lost and I realize how very little a single day of honor can express all that he did for his family.

Wasted Days, Wasted Space

I just spent the morning writing my nephew in Afghanistan and playing some game on the computer. I have to get dressed now and find something really productive to make up for the lost time.

I don't feel the letter writing was a waste of time but then it only took about an hour. I sent it Motomail and the letter had to be broken up into three different emails because it was so long. They can only print one page for each letter. Well, he'll get the equivalent of three letters. LOL. Hope it works.

I want to clean out some closets and toss clothes I can or will never wear again. I am stupid for hanging on to some of this stuff and have no room if I buy something new. It is just wasted space than can be better used. So, it goes. I hope. It is very hard to toss clothes for me. "I'm sure I will wear this again." Right. Not.

Anyway, I am going now and do it. Keep your fingers crossed. I will let you know how it all comes out.

I also want to thin out some books and junk sitting around. Most are books I probably won't ever read again. A few were sale books I thought I'd like, started and never finished. These are not novels. These are books like The Lore of the Unicorn; Exons, Introns, and Talking Genes; The Copernican Revolution (I actually did read that and it was good!); Cosmic Questions (read that too and it was good also). Anyway, you get the idea. These were bookstore sale books that no one else would buy... they know a sucker when they see them. Anyway, the last two were science books that I actually liked and learned from. One actually told me how to tell time by the stars and I used it once camping! How weird is that? That would be the Copernican Revolution.... you know, they guy that actually believe the sun was stationery?

Well, anyway, I've been weeding books for nearly a year now and it is hard for me. I love being surrounded by books and I read anything about everything so it is an eclectic collection. Last night I decided to pick up my spanish book and read to brush up on it. I was sitting on my bed at 1:00 a.m. this morning reading spanish aloud. Well, there was not one to disturbe and it kept the demons at bay. Apparently, they don't speak spanish?

I'm going to check on auditing Spanish classes at the university. I took two years of college Spanish and loved it. My prof wanted me to continue with the next two years but I was in my senior year of college and I didn't want to do it. So, now, I'm sorry. I'm 10 years older and don't know if I can catch it up. But auditing will get me in the class with no credit (I don't need it), and give me something to do. If all goes well, I might actually take the next two levels. We'll see.

I got to go before I waste any more of the day. Nothing gets done! Today I'd like to have something to show for it.

More Information about Insulin Resistance

Here an another article with valuable information on diabetes and insulin resistance. I was actually surprised by the top part of the article. Lower in the body of the test is the information I an referring to you.

The site where this is found is a great health site filled with lots of information. Evaluate all health information careful and research before jumping on any bandwagon.

Can Selenium Cause Diabetes

True Story: Office Receptionist

Our office switchboard is very busy . Not only do they answer the phone and transfer calls for 14 people, they greet every visitor and answer questions/ They also insure that each person gets the correct paperwork or receipts paperwork they are turning in. They don't have headsets and we have six lines that can ring all at once. So, waiting on a client and having to answer the phone can get a bit overwhelming.

Today, Nancy, one of the receptionists had a man she was helping at the front desk with paperwork. The phone rang and she said, "Good morning, Leased Housing. May I help you?"

The man she was helping looked at her strangly and said, "Don't you have to pick it up first?"

I asked what happened after that but she was laughing hysterically and couldn't tell me.

You never know what will happen in Section 8.

Busy A a June Bug?

Is a June Bug busy? I don' t know but I always try and come up with catchy titles so you'll read what I post!

I'm definitely a bit down this morning. Dave, Becca and Sarah spent the night with me last night. I was glad to have them because I could go to bed and not stress about it. Becca and Sarah went to church with me yesterday morning. Sarah loves the Sunday School class at my church and David had to work so, they went with me. That was nice. The two girls spent the day with me and Sarah and I took a nap together, a fun event.

That little doll baby is just about the sweetest child I've ever seen. Her daddy was a wonderful baby, too and so sweet but I spoiled him mercilessly and he's not done so well as an adult because of it. He has a hard road ahead of him. When everyone loves you as a child, you just don't get why some adults don't like you. But I have to hand it to Sarah's mother, she is doing a very good job with her. She is, of course a bit spoiled, but she is very obedient and polite for a two-year-old. But then, as I recall, so were my boys. Please, thank you, yes m'am and no m'am were common phrases we taught them. Actually, for the most part, David is doing well I guess but he's had a lot of struggles in the last half dozen years.

I just can't get over Sarah's speech abilities. We are constantly blown away by what she says. Her mother was getting onto her this past week about something and Sarah was walking down the hall. She said, "I'm just a little bit scared." She told me this week that she "needed to go home and take a break". We read book after book after book and she still doesn't get enough. As long as your voice will hold out, she will sit and listen to you read! She loves my old Dick and Jane readers I've collected. Any story, even if there are no pictures, she will listen to.

Last night I watched her as she tried to repeat a phrase I said. She made me repeat it over and over until she could say it and you could see her working it over in her mind. She stared off into space while I said it and when I finished, she would look at me seriously and say, "say it again". She's like a word machine.

She also makes word rhymes. Do they do that at two and a half? I thought rhyming was not until about 4 or 5. She sings a lot anyway but we hear her taking a word and rhyming it, kind of like that song from the 60's -The Name Game -and making a song of her own! She's never heard the song as far as I know. I don't even like it or own a copy of it. She knows dozens of song, too. I can't ever remember seeing a child that knew as many songs at that age. She is a constant source of amazement for me. I sometimes fear she is too smart, if there is such a thing. That comes with its own problems.

I finished a chapter of Mist last night. It was a very short one so I don't know if Alice will be happy but it took the story a step farther along. It is strange when this particular writing bug bites. You really don't want to do much else. And it has been a while since I could actually focus on such things. I am still not able to maintain it for long. I am looking forward to November's NaNoWriMo. It isn't that far away and maybe by then I won't be in the Pits of Doom quite so often. They don't let you out much here but I'd like to have a 30 day furlough if possible in November. I may get a 5th novel going! LOL, I'd like to get one finished. I've promised myself this weekend to start working more on the two stories I have in progress so I can see them finished and ready for a rewrite. I dread that thought.

My yard is so lovely since I've had someone treat it but it has been too hot to sit outside during the day most days. The evenings I am too lonely to sit there. I bought an umbrella and have yet to enjoy it for more than a few minutes. I'd like to be able to just sit and relax but my mind can't deal with that. I have to continually be doing something or I think too much. Crazy, huh?

I can't sustain the positive outlook for long. Life has become so complicated and I just want to rest and enjoy it. I can't. I can't make plans or dream or hope or anything. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. It is true. And hope destroyed is worse. I keep remembering that last month how we had suddenly begun to see daylight on some things and how we thought things were going to improve now, how we would be able to do some things for us. How we began to make real plans the way we had not done for so long. And then it all stopped, over night the world was turned upside down and every plan and dream emptied out and lost in the icy darkness. Now, in my mind I see this woman standing in the dark, her mouth opened in this long soundless scream. It never stops. That's strange, isn't it. Should I be worried that I see her so clearly? Is she me? I don't know. She's always there, in the dark places. I'm just thankful I can't hear her.

Body Works

I had an appointment with my MD today. Everything was "super" as he put. My blood sugar was normal and this is the second reading for that. He wants to take me off my metformin (this helps the body utilize my insulin and keep those levels normal.) I do not take insulin and do not have full blown diabetes. I am resistant to my own insulin. We talked about it and then decided that since I've just started the PT and will be trying to work out after that is done, he will wait until my next physical before he will either reduce it or take me off of it completely.

Getting off the metformin would be great as long as I can keep my energy levels up. I was put on it because I was constantly exhausted. A test showed that I was insulin resistant. This is also known as metabolic syndrome. That means that when I eat, my body doesn't burn my food energy and it thinks I need more insulin. It release more insulin and continue to try and get the cells to absorb nutrients. Insulin is an inflammatory agent and the more you are releasing, the more inflammation and tired you get. You also develop things like RA, infertility, obesity, headache, high bp, and a host of other aliments. You don't have to be a diabetic to be insulin resistant. I probably was most of my life. I just didn't know it. I exercised for over 30 years and that kept it under control. When I stopped all the aerobics and gained weight, then I had a problem.

That is another reason he is waiting. He wants to be sure any tiredness is not related to metabolic problems or my emotional state and that the exercise has been sustained.

My A1c count was excellent, too. Now class, how many of you know what this means? LOL, none? Neither did I until this last year. You eye doctor needs to know this number also if you are insulin resistant or diabetic.

I don't know about cholesterol levels at this point. I don't think they checked it this time. Well, now you know the how the old body is working.

I am having a terrible time at night but I can't fix that so won't dwell on it today

A Day in the Pool

Well, only an hour but you get it.

First day of physical therapy went fine. Walked in the pool, back and forth, for an hour. Forward, sideways, backward. An hour. Talked the whole time. I hate it when I do that. Lately, I can't stop talking and I feel like a crazy person doing that. Therapist was very nice and just let me gab on. Probably good for me too.

The pool was heated and I really wanted to just soak for hours. Even if the exercise doesn't help, the heat probably will. It was lovely. I go back Thursday.

So, now, I'm soooo tired. I am going to go to bed very soon. Thanks for all the notes and comments you have all sent me in the last 24 hours. They have all been such a blessing.

I feel as if God had sent people in my path the last couple of days. Today I had to leave work earlier than I planned. I just had a melt down and had to get out of the building. I went to pick up a fake owl for my porch since the pigeons suddenly are roosting under the awning! I hate them. I have poop all over my porch and steps. I couldn't even get in the house without tiptoeing.

Anyway, I went to Rural King, a sort of farm store with everything you can imagine in it. I was looking for motor oil for the mower. An attractive young man with a beard turned and smiled at me and I thought "I know you." In fact, I said it out loud. He smiled and and said, "Lewis." I was so surprised to see him. Jerry and I knew him from our old church about 10 years ago. He and I chatted about 30 minutes and it was just what I needed. He just shared with me what he felt the Lord was doing with him and it was so nice to hear. I remembered how kind he had always been to my sons and took the time to just talk with them and befriend them. Jerry and I both liked him and were glad he was a friend of our boys. He is a bit of an entrepreneur and always has his own business going. The last time I saw him it was small engine repair. He did some work for us. Just Saturday I noticed my mimosa tress in the back are dead and I told the Lord I needed someone to remove them. Guess what this young man is doing now? Tree removal!

So, I got his card and he will come give me a free estimate. I say young man. I think Lewis is in his late 30's, maybe a few years older than Mike, who is going to be 30 this year, but that seems young to me. I remember I asked him once why he never married. He said he was waiting for God to send him the right girl. I didn't get the chance to ask him today if he'd found her yet. He is one of those nice boys that ever mother hopes will find a nice girl.

As for my pigeons, he told me the city had released peregrine falcons in the downtown area and they feed on pigeons. They were trying to reduce the population. A light went off for me and I realized that what they have done is pushed the population out of the inner city and into the surrounding areas. They are looking for new nesting grounds. So, we shall see how my owl works. He's quite scary with his glassy eyes. And his head bobbles! I came around the edge of my house and was startled by him. LOL, I patted him on the head and said, "We'll see how the pigeons like you."

I had another couple who IM'd me from Florida. They recently left here and I had missed them at church. Found them on Face Book and they have been so kind to just encourage me and pray for me.

On Saturday I happened to run into another friend from my old church, a young woman who baby sat my boys. She's got children of her own now. I had seen her parents last year around November or December at McDonald's on my lunch hour. She told me Saturday that they had put her mother in the nursing home. She has stage six Alzheimer's. I was so upset when I had seen her last year to discover she had it but she had recognized me immediately and remembered my boys that day. So I had not idea how bad she was. It was heartbreaking when her husband told me. They are such wonderful people and were always so very kind to us. And they loved each other so much. I was sad and prayed for her for days. Now, to hear she doesn't know anyone is just terrible. I was glad I got to see her daughter and talk with her a bit.

So, I guess this weekend when I felt so alone and abandoned, God sent people that I had good memories of to give me a few smiles. And he kept you all writing to me to keep me focused. Thank you all for being my friends. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Vanity of Vanities and Mad Wanderings

The Bible says it is vain to sit up late and rise early. And pretty stupid, too. Well, it doesn't say that, I did. What a dope I am. Fell into an exhausted sleep around 12:30 last night. Up at 6:30 today. Average for me. I woke up once, maybe an hour or so later, because I thought I heard Jerry breathing. I sat straight up in bed. It was terrible. I could only lie back down with my heart pounding and go back to sleep.

Today, I'm just depressed. I have to go buy something tonight to wear in the pool for that physical therapy tomorrow. I didn't want to come to work today. I wanted to lie down and stay in bed for a few more hours. I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to.

I still haven't bought the laptop. I've looked at several and honestly, I like the Toshiba I tried at my sister's house. My nephew and niece both have one. They worked really well. There is one on sale at Office Depot. I may stop by there after work tonight.

I've just called the funeral home and asked for information on grief support groups. Obviously, I've been looking for support from the wrong people. And I know that I need people to talk to about this.

I sorry if people think I'm being petty by not understanding why people react the way they do or don't to me. I simply state my experience here. I don't justify the lack of action or inaction by anyone. It is what it is... or is not. I do not feel responsible for other people's insensitivity or lack compassion, or emotional handicaps. I'm certainly not able at this point to tell other people what the appropriate behavior is in dealing with grief stricken people. If you have a church with that ministry, wonderful. If you have a circle of friends who are "there" for you, I commend you on your choices. I thought I did, too. I've been mistaken before.

So, I will do what I have always done in every difficult situation in my life. I will take care of it myself. Do I sound angry? Maybe this is the anger phase. I sat home last night and realized how very alone I am. Only when crisis comes do we learn who we are and who actually cares about us. I have wonderful family. We are good people. Not perfect, but we love so clearly. Brothers who call to check on me. Sisters who call. Aunt, uncle,cousins.

I also have a friend at work who keeps tabs on me there. Her son died in September and I went to her home and took food and went the the funeral home and went to lunch with her and let her talk. Long before I needed the same favor. But she has done the same at work for me. Her husband has a serious heart condition and when he had a massive heart attack, I went to the hospital and sat with her for several hours. See, that isn't hard when you care for people. And it didn't inconvenience me.

But I'm hurt but the lack of Christians who think so little of me that they can't be bothered to just call me to say I love, care, appreciate, or am concerned about you. I drive 15 miles one way to church. That isn't far by city standards but when there are at least 5 other churches of my faith within five miles of my home, I think it says something about me. And when the church can't make a call to let those in need know someone is praying, concerned, or just interested in their welfare, that says something about them.

I just wrote four of the following paragraphs in an email to someone who was talking about the different ways people react to the loss of a spouse. It is true that no two people will behave the same way in a given situation.

"Losing a spouse is something I can't begin to describe to anyone. The trauma of losing your spouse is beyond what I could imagine. I lost my Mama when I was 17 and I remember crying for three weeks before she died because I was terrified of losing her. (remember the dream?) Jerry sat with me on dates and let me cry. We married a week after her death and he was there to get me through the worst of it. I thought that event was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It wasn't. I thought losing my first child was a horrible thing. I was in a severe depression for three months and considered killing myself. It was terrible but it doesn't compare to this. This literally shatters your life into a million fragments which you have to gather up and put back together. But you can't because some pieces are missing.

How well each person handles that damage can't be predicted. On the outside looking in it may seem that everything is o.k. I told my counselor I was a very good actress. I doubt anyone would know how I'm doing by looking at me unless they know me very well. Most of the time, I hold the facade together.

I see dozens of people a week and I can't just fall apart when the stress is high or when a memory slaps me in the face. I have no choice but to maintain my professional facade 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But as I mentioned, it is exhausting. I've been so tired today that I could hardly get through the day. This is just Monday! I am getting a shower and going to bed as soon as I can.

I suspect that the blow of Mama's death was tempered by Jerry. He held me up, he listened and he was just there. Had that not been the case, I would have fared much worse. She was my best friend and I had no one else to turn to. She was my grandmother and had raised me. My grandfather (Daddy) drank badly. So, my world was literally torn apart with her death. I had no place to go. Jerry kept it together for me.

This time, there is no bonding force, no emotional and moral support, no listening ear, no shoulder to cry on. I'm alone in this. And he was with me even longer than she was. The memories we shared are gone. I can't recover things he remembered that I don't. His perspective of events we both experienced are gone. The smile that said I was beautiful will never greet me again. One can't recover those things and I do not believe you can recover from the loss of them. I may survive, probably will but I will not be who I was. If I say my life is over, it is because it is. Dead and Buried. There is no way to resurrect it."

So, they say rebuild, start over, you're young. Do they really know what 35 years entails? Did I imagine the struggle of learning to live together, compromise, and adjusting to one another philosophies? Building a relationship, laying foundations, establishing a home, a family? Start over? Rebuild? How stupid.

Someone told me that another woman made the following comment, "She's a pretty woman. She'll find someone else." My question to that woman is, "Exactly how much do you love your husband?" Do you even imagine that it is that simple? What makes you think I want another husband?

I don't know where I'm going with this. It started early this morning and is ending at the end of my work day. I think I better stop before I go off the deep end. Pray for me if you do nothing else. I am so thankful for my Multiply friends. You do not know how much. Several of you have sent me PM's today and I thank you. They were much appreciated.

Maybe tomorrow I'll master nice.

When Does It Become Easy

I do wish it would bet easier to go to church. I don't want to go. I have a terrible time getting myself to go. Today, I thought it would be a bit better. I could not get Mike up to go with me and it is a bit better if I don't go along. Although he won't sit with me. He sits in the back. But Becca called and asked if she and Sarah could go with me as David had some kind of stomach upset and couldn't go.

Once there, it was just terrible. I can't think why I thought it would be easier today with someone there. I managed to worship a bit but I can't handle the intensity of the emotions because I feel as if I shall explode in a million pieces. I can't let myself feel or I will end up being carried out.

We were a bit late getting there and so no one spoke to us and as soon as the preaching was over we left. I just didn't want, at that point, to have to say "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

How am I? I'm a mess. What do you think! That is what I want to say but people mean well. You can't insult people if they bother to ask about you. I've found that most people don't like widows. I know they don't because no one will talk to you. They avoid you like the plague in case you start sobbing insanely or fall into a faint. Some people used to come over and shake my hand and say hello. Now, nada for the most part. They don't know what to say so they say nothing and they look the other way. Someone ask me if anyone calls me. I told them no, just my family. They didn't understand that. People are just so stupid. Present company excepted. Did I ever tell you I have no tolerance for stupid?

I manage to cope at work because I'm so busy I don't really have time to think and if I do, I find a way to stop it. But I still have to come home to this empty house. Where I have to find ways to not think.

And the tiredness is another thing. I can't do anything. I'm just plain tired. Exhausted really. I need to do a lot of things around the house but I just find that I have no energy to even move from my chair. I get spurts of energy that allow me to wash dishes or put away a few clothes but it is not unusual to see a week of clean laundry sitting in the basket. I did put it away yesterday, by the way.

Now, I' going to shower. I need to just lie down I think. Maybe I'll go to sleep. I'm missed Jerry all weekend long and I'm really just worn out.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I had a few comments on my last post about dreaming. Some have generated thoughts that I wanted to mention. Whatever your belief is, and I don't disrespect them at all, there is strong evidence among those who have dreams that they can be prophetic. Stories go back beyond modern times. I am a believer by default. I've had dreams and they happened. You don't have to believe me. I didn't ask for them and wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. But whatever else I know, I know that dreams, sometimes, are predictive or prophetic.

I also know that equally, some dreams are nothing but our over exerted minds. At other times, they are our brains way of working out problems. Ever hear the expression, "I'll sleep on it"? That did not come about by accident and it is a very old expression. The mind never sleeps. It is constantly working to make sense of all the information it has been bombarded with all day.

I used to sew everything my family wore. There were many times when I had a troublesome item that needed a special solution. If I couldn't figure it out, I'd put it aside. When I went to bed that night, I would do a little trick. I'd tell myself that I was going to dream of the solution. It never failed. I learned that trick over time and I used it to very good effect in college. Always before a test, after I had studied and when I went to be at night, I would repeat that I knew the material, I would remember it the moment they gave me the test. I've taught others to use this technique and it does work. Your mind is powerful and I suspect the unconscious mind is more powerful than the conscious mind, with all its barriers and inhibitions.

May father told me once that he could control his dreams. I questioned him on this. He told me that he loved skydiving and hated falling dreams. If he had a dream of falling he had taught himself to change the dream and instead of falling, he was flying. I too hate falling dreams and so after he told me that, the next time I had a falling dream, I tried it. And it worked. That is called lucid dreaming and there have been studies to show that we can manipulate some of our dreams. After all, it is our mind.

As for predictive dreams, there are many people, thousands or more, who will tell you they have dreamed of events prior to their happening. We aren't psychics. We are generally average people. I do not understand what purpose it serves because usually people don't believe you anyway. Would anyone of you have believed me if I had told you that I dreamed of my grandmother dying that it was going to happen? No. You would have laughed or reassured me. But it did happen. Two weeks after the dream.

I dreamed what my oldest son looked like before he was born. I didn't even know he was a boy. Coincidence? Maybe. How can I tell? I have a lot of dreams that happen.

My grandmother had premonitions and dreams that happened. She just never talked about it. People think you are crazy, back then, even more so. She never told me about them but I knew she had them. She would say things were going to happen and when asked how she knew, she just looked away and said, "I just know." And they did. Then, we would ask how she knew and she wouldn't tell you. Well, I don't have her fear of being thought crazy. But I have kept this to myself for decades. No one in my family knew this about me until recently, when I told it after Jerry died. My aunt said, "Mama could do that." Mama even knew about her own death. And so did I. I didn't believe either one of us until after the fact.

Do you know how frightening that is? I've had death dreams three times. They all involved family members. I only acted on one of them. That person did not die. I acted because the nature of the dream was unusually and profound and frightened me so much that I acted immediately on waking. The other I missed - one because it was the first one and the other because I simply wasn't expecting it.

To sum up my point here I want to refer you all to the last paragraph in the January 12th post. Gloom, Doom and a Working Day

Saturday Mid-Morning

I got a good night's sleep, thank God. I always do feel better when I get up when I wake up instead of begin dragged out of my bed by a crowing rooster. That is the sound my alarm makes. I don't care how often you hear it, you never get used to it and it never fails to wake you. I actually beat him this morning and have already had my hazelnut coffee. I just went and turned off the alarm.

I was wakened by a strange dream and I don't usually remember them. I used to, long ago, remember my dreams and write them down. I stopped dreaming years ago when I started having pain problems. I've always believed that was a sign I wasn't getting enough REM sleep. If you don't know about REM sleep you can look it up but basically, lack of REM can make you sick and you can actually die from a lack of it. I suspect it is the culprit in much of my problems.

Anyway, over the last 10 years or so, I only had dreams once in awhile and could rarely remember them. After that cervical block in October I began to dream, crazy dreams. I promptly forgot most of them when I got up. This morning, I woke from a crazy dream and I am writing it down here. Why? Because I am afraid not to.

Last year, when I began to dream a bit more I had a dream about Jerry. I dreamed we were working in our yard and the ground where he stood began to swirl, like a whirlpool. I could see the grass begin to spiral around his feet and the ground appeared to be sinking where he stood. He looked me and but I don't think he asked me to help him. I can't remember that. I believe I tried to get him to come away but the ground had opened and was beginning to draw him down into it, the spiral grew outward until I was forced to back up or be sucked down with him. I frantically looked around for something to help him but couldn't find anything but the water hose. I remember the frustration and fear as I watched as he began to sink. Finally, when only his hands and arms to his elbow were visible I grabbed the water hose and threw it to him. But he couldn't grasp it and the spiraling whirlpool grew and I couldn't go near enough to reach him. I woke up just seeing his hands.

I remember thinking what a crazy dream. I don't know if I told him about it. But I did tell him I was having these crazy dreams since I had the cervical block. Suddenly, I was actually sleeping again and dreaming. It had been so long since I had real dreams that I had lost sight of what my dreams often were in the past. I take it the majority of you can see this dream for what it was. I did not at that time. Only after the Lord reminded me of it weeks ago did I grasp the full impact of it.

This morning I woke from another weird dream. So, I will write it down as best as I can now remember it. Because I don't know if it means something or if it is beans.

I was in a place where a man was brought in on a gurney. He was a big man, not fat as I recall, just big. He had white blond hair and he had been injured in some kind of accident but was alive. I wasn't sure he was at first but I gradually got the impression he was alive. There was a woman nearby but I can't see her face I just know she is distraught. I do not think she is me but who knows. Anyway, they tell her the man's lower face is destroyed and I"m confused because I feel like these are mortuary people and they are going to bury him.

He is covered up but I know he isn't dead. I'm not afraid, by the way, just watching. I don't sense any emotion, just a mild concern for the woman. They wheel him away and I have a sense of time passing.

They bring him back and he is lying slightly on his left side away from the woman. I am standing at the foot of this gurney and I can't see anything but his the side or his face from his eye to his forehead. He has been crying. For some reason he is half uncovered. I can see his slightly bent right leg and arm.

They tell her they have to remove part of his face. Again, I don't feel anything in this dream but a sense of concern for the woman and sadness for this man. At first, I think they will wheel him away again but then, I watch as they take surgical scissors and began to cut the skin away from his face. He begins to cry this terrible cry and his eyes are looking at me. I never really see his lower face at all, only his terribly sad and frightened eyes. I had a sense of something destroyed beyond repair. I woke up.

I put this out there so, oh, I don't know. I didn't write down my dream about Jerry as I should have. Maybe I would have seen something. I didn't see it for what it was because of my own condition. I'll never know the truth.

Now, for those unfamiliar such things, you must realize not all dreamer dreams mean something. For me, some dreams actually happen and they are not usually good things. I'm some sort of special dreamer. But I haven't had dreams like that in many years. I've prayed repeatedly NOT to have them. I got sick with this pain issue and stopped sleeping well and my dreams were impacted. I didn't dream at all that I could remember. {sigh} I know, my prayers were answered. I just realized that writing the preceding statement.

Anyway, you don't want to have dreams where you are told people are going to die or or injured, or about their personal problems. Particularly when you can't tell the difference. I don't know the difference in a dream like that and indigestion dreams. I don't know when a premonition is imagination or warning. It is why I kept asking not to dream those kinds of dreams. If I can't recognize it and I can't change it or fix it, then is serves no purpose and is useless to me and anyone else involved. I've done this as long as I can remember. At least since I was 17.

So, there. Now you know just how strange things are for me. I feel like I should just stop running and let it overtake me. I do not know what I am supposed to do with such things if I can't tell what is real and what is imaginary.

I stopped to take a call from my aunt for a while and finally got of the phone so I could finish this. I'm going now and get dressed and get busy. I have things I must do.

Long Week Ends

A very long, depressing and stressful week has ended and not a moment too soon for me. I am no into Saturday morning and about to go to bed. I've struggled with depression and despair all week while trying to catch up at work from a week off. I'm tired but now don't know if I can sleep. I hate going to bed until I am exhausted.

But I am going. I wanted t tell you all I am trying to get around to everyone's blogs but it isn't always easy. I have to keep my mind occupied with really stupidly trivial things. Games and puzzles, chats with online friends, anything distracting. I just can't concentrate on anything deep or heavy.

Today I plan on just doing whatever I want with no pressure. No running all over the world either.

So, good night all.

Gloom, Despair, and Darkness

It is a cloudy day. I think it rained during the night. It was very cold last night for this time of year. A cold front blew in and I imagine that is where the rain came in. Today the sky is overcast and dreary and it is very cool.

I really am in trouble I think. I can't get a handle on this encrouching darkness. Don't say pray about it. I can't pray. When I try I simply fall apart and manage to say "Please help me, God" over and over but that's about all I can manage. I'm taking the St. John's Wort. That will take time to get in my system, as any other medicine. But I am not coping with it at all. I don't really know how. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to or what to say.

I told my aunt that I understood what Hell is. She said, "Well, I know I don't want to go there." I told her I was living there already. Imagine every thing you ever did wrong, every mistake you made, every unkindness, selfishness, meaness, and negative behavior you have ever had rolled over and over in your mind, every day forever. And you can't stop it. You can't fix it. You can't undo it. You can't change it. It can't ever be made right. And you desperately want to fix it. You want to make it right. You want to undo, change, stop it. And you can't. That is Hell. And I live there.

I'm isolated for the most part. I have my children and when they are around, I'm better. But they have to go home. And sometimes I need them to go. I have to have quiet at times, too. My family out of town calls whenever they can. I come to work but the stresses of work are not helping. They are increasing the stress level. I can't take off. I'm already behind from my trip home and that in itself is a stressor.

I realized last night that I have no friends at all here. Not really. My co-workers are all very kind. My boss has really been very. . . well, he's been so good to me about my work and my time.

I haven't been to church in three weeks, I think. It is very hard to go and see the place where I expect to see my husband standing every service and know he is not coming back. My pastor has called each week after I missed on Sunday. He is a very kind. I'm sure my loss reminds him very much of his own.

If it were not for the people on my Multiply contact list, I don't know who I would have any contact with outside of work and my family. Some of you have gone out of your way to try and support me with your notes and email. Some of you chat with me whenever possible. I've found myself online more because of that. Any port in a storm, as they say. I don't want to appear needy but if some of you had not been there things would really be unbearable at home.

Someone sent books on grief that, after reading the first one, I think are very good. They are very short books and don't require a lot of time to read. My friend Reite has received them and she has a write up on her blog from yesterday about the first one. Her mother died just after Jerry did. I started the second one last night but it was very late and I was so depressed I couldn't handle it. Thank you, my sweet friend. I think I know who you are but will respect your desire for anonimity. They're very good books, really. If I can come to grips with things, they probably will be the reason.

I do not think I will go back to church. I've been contemplating that for a couple of days. There are other churches I know nearby and I may visit a few others. I don't know. I do pray about these things and do not make hasty decisions about such things.

I don't know that any of this matters really. At least, I wrote it down instead of bottling it up. I can't very well fall apart at work. I see the counselor tomorrow but I don't really want to see him anymore. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't help. And I just don't care.

The whole idea behind journaling is to say what is in your mind and heart. As I understand it, in the grief process, this is beneficial. I haven't found it terribly so but it does make you feel the way you feel after you've thrown up. Since that's totally gross I'll leave it at that.

Back Home

I'm back. We got in around 11:00 p.m. last night. We left my sisters at 8 a.m., stopped in Andalusia, Alabama at 9 a.m. to see my sister-in-law and left there at 11 a.m.to continue our journey. We were delayed two hours by a terrible accident on the interstate at about the halfway mark, just north of Birmingham, Alabama at the Warrior exit. We got of at that exit and because I remembered that Warrior has three on/off ramps. I was low on fuel and so we got of and gassed up and took Hwy 31 N. to the next exit. It took us 1.5 hours to go 3 miles! Half the world go off too!

As we got back on at the third exit, they were bringing two vehicles off the interstate. It was horrible to see. One car looked as if it had rolled about 10 times and they had to use a can opener on it. At the gas station they had told us that rumor was there was one fatality. The rest of the journey was uneventful

So, I did nothing today because I'm exhausted. I will tell you about the trip in another post. We had a good time but a busy one.

Glad to be home.

Away We Go!

I'm leaving in the morning for Florida and won't return until some time Saturday night. I probably will not be online before Sunday. I hope you all have a good week. I'm hoping for comfortable, sunny weather in Florida, particularly on Thursday when we plan a family picnic at the beach.

Pray safe passage for out trip down tomorrow and back on Saturday.

Down in the Dump

As you can all see from my last few posts, I've slowly been descending into a depression. I've not been able to stop it exactly. Since I don't know what caused it, I can't very well stop it. However, I did go get the St. John's Wort and it is helping.

I am, by no means, over the depression but it is lessening somewhat. I suspect it will take a couple of days to really get through the worst of it. Thank God I have enough experience with severe depression to recognize it for what it is and deal with it when necessary. At the moment, I've been at home. I've not even gotten dressed today. I just have sat playing games on the computer, reading my Bible, and chatting when I find someone to chat with.

The act of doing things that don't require deep thought, emotional reactions, or keep me thinking about anything other than my problems is best at the moment. Earlier I moved some clothes and ran across Jerry's favorite shirt, the only one I have left in the house. It still smells like him. That was not a good thing so I stopped moving clothes.

If you are not on my MSN messenger or Yahoo messenger and would like to be, let me know with a PM. I think a couple did that a while back but I don't remember now. If you did and I did not add you, remind me. Of course, you all send me PM's and comments so it isn't as if you don't talk to me.

I am going now and find something to snack on. I had lunch earlier but I think it has been several hours.

Mindless and Careless

Some days it feels as if you are just losing your mind. Or as if you are walking around with part of your limbs missing. I've never lost a limb. I've heard about phantom pain and how it nearly drives the amputee crazy at times. Now I understand much better.

Today I haven't eaten. I just remembered to take my meds about 30 minutes ago. I can't seem to do my bank statement, that I only remember this morning. It has been lying here since the first week of May. How could I not remember? I have an error somewhere and I can't find it. That is poetic justice.

I have no energy to even get out of this chair, no desire to actually do anything. Not even post to the blog.

In my case, I feel as if there is this huge vacancy in every area of my life. I try and plan interesting things that will get me out of the house, out of my chair, out of my head but when I finish, I just don't care. I really don't care if the house gets repaired. I can't do it and I don't know who can and I don't care. I need to buy groceries, not many but a few. I don't care. I need to put away the towels but I don't care if they are put away or rot in the basket. There's laundry washing and drying but it will probably sit there for hours or days. Or until I find the energy to deal with it. I don't really care.

Everyone says, "It gets better." "You're better." I really want to say you don't know what you're talking about. I just smile a mummer, "I know."

YOU DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. No one knows.

Did you ever hear the story about the little boy who stood in front of a cave and called out and was shocked when he heard a voice coming back at him. He wanted to know who it was and was told it was his own voice. He didn't believe it. He believed it was someone in the cave mocking him.

I don't hear anything. Not even the sound of my own voice.

Plans for The Day

I am officially off for the next 10 days. Vacation. I am sitting here posting photos and stuff in my pj's. I will get dressed soon but I was awakened at 7:30 a.m. by my son needing a ride. His brother's car wouldn't start so .... yes, vacation.

To update on a few things. I'm not going to Spain after all. They'll be gone three weeks and I'll have no where near enough vacation time for that. I'm not too disappointed. I'm being very careful with money at the moment. I did think about going to Puerto Rico. That would be fun and have that Spanish flair I'd like. I don't know if I'll get there this summer but I think I could manage that in time and money.

I do like the idea of going to England, Grammy. And I'm thinking by next summer I might be able to swing that. I never thought of traveling much outside of Jerry's military career. We loved it so much. We had plans for this summer, which fell apart, of course.

I'm going shopping for a laptop again. There are some really good sales this weekend for a lot of stuff. I just don't really want to buy anything with Vista. My programs work on XP and I don't want to buy something I have to buy new software for.

Of course, the justification I'm giving for a laptop is the opportunity it will give me to write anywhere and more often. Winter is a good story that needs to be finished. Mist MUST be finished or Alice will never speak to me again. I'd miss her far more than I'll miss Mist when it is done.

Anyway, I'm torn as to whether to wait for Windows 7 or buy now. I just don't know yet. I'll keep praying about it.

Please pray for Mike to find a good used car. We always pray about this because he can't spend more that $500 on a car. Well, I can't. And he is so rough on cars, I wouldn't if I could. God has blessed him with some really good used cars for very little money. He wrecked his car weeks ago and while it is still running, it isn't running well. It wouldn't start this morning. WIthout his car, I'm running everywhere.

I have to go buy ink for my printer. It is out again. I think Mike is coming over and printing color copies. It uses up my ink terribly. I am going to see if I can set a password print command to print unauthorized printing. I hardly print anything but documents and not many of those.

Well, the day is wearing and I have much to do so I will pop in later to see what you are all doing.

Crossing Days

I read my Horrorscope for fun. They're seldom right about anything. I've not won any money, never taken an unexpected trip, nor met a mysterious stranger...weird but not mysterious.

I look at Biorythms for the same reason. However, over the years, I notice that the biorythms actually appear more accurate about some things. Of course, it's all hokey pokey psuedo science but I've watched them for a couple of decades. About an hour ago I began to feel as if my mood was falling. I didn't think more about it but just a minute ago I was looking over my google homepage and was reminded that today is a crossing day for all of my biorythms. I noted this last week to myself but as I said, this is a passing interest only and I don't plan my life by such things. The lowest point will be later this evening. Hmmm.

For the uninformed and scorners, biorythms are a theory that our bodies are on a cycle that rises and falls throughout the month. On days when these cycles cross certain points or each other, our responses and reactions to things is affected. A good Wiki is found here to explain them: Biorythm

It is said that on crossing days you may be more prone to accidents. Again, related to physical cycles, we all know that at certain times of the month women have shorter attention spans, mood swings, and sort fuses. This is cyclical and will pass. You can plot it on a chart. My guess is we are all a mass of cycles. Life is a cycle whose high point can be marked by finding the middle between death and life.

If I think about Jerry in light of these cycles and waves, for him 29.5 was the peak of his life. At that point he was very successful in his military career, he was very healthy and running 5 miles three days a week. We were very happy and living in a foreign country! Our oldest child was about to be born. It was probably the happiest time in either of our lives. I remember it very well. We were on top of the wave.

Understand, I do not believe these cycles or biorythms predict the future, your actions, your behavior or any outcomes.Those are all up to you and God. I do tend to find them interesting because there is a definate wave pattern to human emotions, moods, activity, and intellectual processes, even human life. We all have "up" days and "down" days, some more than others. So it is not beyond my comprehension that these can be plotted on a chart. Women start to plot cycles on charts when they're teenagers! So, if there are physical cycles, then there has to be mental and emotional cycles. Therefore, biorythms are an interesting footnote in my long list of interesting subjects. I thought I'd post about it.

I've felt my mood dropping for the last two hours and couldn't understand it since I was relatively ok when I got up and this is my last day of work for ten days! All the waves are in the bottom of the chart and are crossing.

For those of you who are offended by horrorscopes and biorythms and all the other psuedoscience.... well, lighten up. Most of the scientific community say they are all bogus so there is notchance you job will be predicated on them. Most Chirstians say they are witchcraft so you may want to avoid them... the subjects, not Christians.

As for me, I also read the comics in the Sunday paper and do crossword puzzles. I swear that Born Loser can predict the future and there are secret messages in the crossword puzzles.

Gotta go now. Catch you all later.

I'm Going to Do It

I finally decided to start taking St. John's Wort. I 'm tired of waking up depressed and going to bed depressed. I am having trouble just getting started in the mornings and this is just the first stage. It may not get better on its on and I just am not willing to take the chance. I've been in that hell before and I'd just as soon bypass it this time. But I don't want prescriptions antidepressants. The counselor was skeptical about SJW but I've used it in the past with great results.

So, I'll get some today and start taking it tonight. I'll have to be careful in the sun but they have sunblock so that shouldn't be a problem. It can make you photo-sensitive. That's sensitive to light, not photographs.

I am also thinking about taking a trip to Spain in the fall. I was invited to go with my aunt and uncle. Have I told you this? Don't think so. Anyway, they are taking a cruise back from there but are leaving early to sightsee. I am not interested in a week at sea but I would love to go to Spain. Means boning up on Spanish... my two years of college Spanish is dismally rusty. And getting a passport, which someone pointed out I should start on now just in case. I think I will have enough time saved to take a few day and a bit of money saved for it. Means I won't fix something but these things don't come often. I checked priceline and the flights are unbelievably cheap!

Of course, I could go somewhere else if not Spain. Jilly, Wendy & Katey, if I decide to visit England, will you show me around? I'd love to visit Ireland, too. Choices, choices. I suppose I better read up on hotels and such too. I haven't done all this in decades... since we got out of service.

Anyway, those are some of the things I'm going to be doing.

Still don't know about the laptop. Had lots of suggestions. Alice is not subtle. She sent me advertisements. LOL! I guess I need one? But I have this lovely desktop that is only a year old and works great.

Cannibals Talk

Two cannibals were sitting around the campfire talking. One of the cannibals said, "You now, I just don't like my brother-in-law."

To which the other replied, "Then just eat the noodles."


From: The Good Clean Funnies List (www. gcfl.com)

Winding Down

Monday is closing out. What a busy day it was, too. I was late getting to work because I had to go take Mike's birth certificate to the Social Security office. I wasn't about to let them have the original. They made a copy.

Once I got to work, about 2 hours late. I skipped lunch and worked all day. I did get my desk relatively cleaned off but I know it will pile up quickly if I let my guard down. I am working on getting all the bits and pieces processed before I leave. I dread coming back after a vacation of any kind. It just builds up so badly.

The day was beautiful but I've been down since yesterday. I can't seem to get very happy for long. I did start a new puzzle. I did the sorting tonight. I don't know if I will be able to do much before I leave but I will have it out so I can work on it as I feel the need to distance my mind.

It really isn't very good, you know. I can't think of anything I want to do. I don't want for any thing at this point. I have food, shelter, transportation, a job, clothing, every need is met. I have a little money to do little things for my children. I can take Sarah for milkshakes. I can buy her dresses and shoes without thinking about it much. But none of it suffices. It is as if it is all pointless.

There was a time when doing something to the house would excite me. Jerry and I would plan, gather materials, and then set to work fixing something up. We'd always argue somewhere in the process but we would keep working until we got it done and then stand back and smile at how good a job we did. We'd be so excited to have done something. We've done floors, walls, plumbing, everything you can think of here. We loved our house and loved doing things around here. It doesn't look like much now but we envisioned a lovely home. Dreams that never came true for us.

I find myself wanting to do those things and looking at the job and realizing that it doesn't matter. Even if I get it done, there is no excitement or fun in the job or completed process. It will be nice. It just doesn't matter much.

I'm start going trying to writing again. I finished chapter 43 of Mist last night. I started chapter 43 before Jerry died. I let Alice know it was done and she emailed to say she had read it and liked it. But she loves Mist. I have no idea why. Lord, I remember when I started that thing it was just an exercise in writing and never intended for public consumption, never mind a 75,000 word story! That is the longest novel I've ever written so it would be stupid not to complete it. I would like to get the rest of it done now. I still don't have much concentration for more than blogging. I was just beginning to get focused when life turned over and poured out everything.

I'm still thinking about a laptop. I don't know what is the best way to go. I like the idea of carrying it with me so I can write anywhere but the question now is, will I? I don't now. I'm scared to spend $800 on a laptop that I won't use.

I'm going to shower now and try to get settled for the night. I've forgotten my pills again so I'll do that now. Have a good night.

Bummer of a Day

It was a long day and I'm tired. Dave and Becca took me out to eat. That is a very rare treat, indeed and I enjoyed it, as much as I can enjoy anything. Everything is tempered with sadness and there hangs a cloud over all that I think, feel and see.

I am able to get through most days without thinking a lot but there is always the unexpected moment when I can't get my breath or I have an image flash across my vision. A word, phrase, melody, a photograph, or movie are all catalyst for a break in the flow of my life that begins with a small gasp.

Tonight, I"m tired and on my way to bed. I've sat up too late watching Hulu. I have lab work in the a.m. so good night.

Home For Lunch

I came home for lunch today because my leg is acting up. Sciatica flare on my left side and it is very uncomfortable. My leg hasn't gone out yet and I'm hoping it doesn't.

Don't know if any of you remember last year when it went out I had days of trouble. That is what sent me to the pain management clinic where they put needles in my neck instead.

I have a hot pack on it that you get from the store but it isn't very hot. And it isn't helping actually. Tonight I will have to get the heating pad and put that on it.

I had a call from one of my NaNo friends, Mermaid, last night. It was nice to talk to her again. We had not spoken since sometime in December. She has been my writing buddy for two years and she is just a hoot to hang out with in the forums.

I've made some lovely friends and acquaintances here and on NaNoWriMo. It has been so good to get the messages, comments, and calls from my online friends. I'm very glad I'm so picky about who I add. I've made good choices there. You are all so very good to me. This year has not started well but you support has been a blessing.

Now, back to work. I have just enough time to drive back. I hope to pop in tonight but I've been informed by Alice that I must start thinking about writing again. I agree. I want to work on Hidden in the Mist and The End of Winter is waiting for the ending. That is a good story and needs to be edited but I made myself a promise to edit only after I've got to the end. It isn't far, I think. But Jerry's death has taken more than Jerry from me. I've lost half of who I am and that must be evaluated. I am also not together at all. My sense of time, my ability to organize, think with clarity, all have been impacted in a negative way. I have to get that back. I do feel as if I am thinking more clearly but I'm still disorganized.

Stay my friends and keep me in your prayers. I can't go wrong with that.

Why What's Marked in My Bible

If you begin to notice a pattern to the verses marked in my Bible, it will be that most, if not all of them relate to broken hearts, depressed spirits, and sadness.

I don't relate a lot of my past here but there was much to be sad about, there was a lot to be depressed over, and a lot of heartaches. Life has been a long series of challenges that often left me in a state of depression. That cycle reached a peak in 1998 and was only overcome by my faith.

Always I would find these verses, like gemstones strewn across my path, and I would mark them in colors. I'd go back to them again and again in times of stress.

During this time since Jerry's death, there are have been several times that I opened my Bible and "stumbled" across one of these marked passages, again like gems strewn in my path. I always pick them up and look at them.

No, they don't make me feel better. They do not relieve my grief, absolve my feelings of guilt, dry my tears, nor comfort me in the usual sense of the word. It would be foolish to expect that and to say they do would just be a lie. Those things only come over time and through a lot of effort on our part.

No, these marked verses serve simply as reminders. A reminder that what happens in life can't be avoided, neither good or bad. I don't know why my life has been filled with some of the difficulties I've faced. I know that I made a decision as a young girl that I wanted to live life, in all its variety, to the fullest. I remember asking God to let me experience life. I can't very well fault him for answering my prayers. I just don't always like what I experience. Nor do I know why he allows me to be stupid about a lot of things, never showing me until it is too late. But when I am in my right mind, as I seem to be at this moment, I know that what I asked for is what I have been given.

To appreciate the sweet, you must know and understand bitterness. To appreciate a sunny day, you must endure storms. To enjoy a warm day you have to endure severe cold. You can't live without extremes because if you do, you won't understand the relief that comes afterward.And you won't know any joy at all.

Amidst all the turmoil of my early life, the struggles of my married life, and the torment of my current life, I know beyond all doubt that I have been blessed. Always, throughout my whole lift I have been able, particularly after the crisis, to see the hand of God directing every path, even the most nightmarish paths, through the darkest vales. I often can't see him, feel him, or hear him in this place. I just know he sent me into it. I don't like it. I just love him.

You may doubt many things about religion, Christians, and the Bible. I can only tell you what I know. There is a hand that directs us all. Some take hold of it and are lead. Others take it but must be dragged along. Still others slap it away, preferring their own path. But the hand is always extended and waiting.

I hold on with both hands and close my eyes. He sees better than I.

What's Marked in My Bible, #21

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Psalms 37:3-8

3. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4. Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
8. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

Psalms 37:25 & 28

25. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

28. For the Lord loveth judgment, and forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off.