Wheaties in a Cup

I left the coffee on the warmer all night and didn't know it. I could stand a spoon in it but instead I have added my sweetner and creamer and am drinking it. I haven't eaten yet and I find my eating habits have diminished considerably. But since I may need to chew the coffee, I may be able to forego the wheaties all together. I actually hate Wheaties.

I woke up after a dream in which I was talking to someone. I don't know who but I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, "I am not going to listen to this. I'm not going to listen to this." It seems I was in a pleasant mood in the dream because I woke up at that point. But I have no idea what they were trying to say to me or who was saying it. I felt as if there were two people talking to me. And I want to know what they were trying to tell me. I believe in dreams. King David did, too, and so did several prophets. That's good enough for me.

Then, I got up and felt normal. The house is still empty, vacant, waiting for Jerry to come home. But no one is here with me. My sister had to be at work by 7.

Once up, I walked around talking about all my marriage. To no one? To God? To Jerry? {shrug} Don't know. Thirty-five years is a long time and over all, it was a happy life. Yesterday I broke at the memory of the birth of our children. He was there both times and who will I share that joy with now? The trips we took? Our cruise down the Rhein River when I was so pregnant with Mike and "Ring my Bell" was blaring on the lower deck so loud we had to sit top-side to avoid going deaf. It was freezing cold and I didn't have a jacket because the day had been warm. I curled up close to him and tried to stay warm and stared into the dark. I have no memory of our conversation, just a boat cruising along a German river in the dark disco music floating on the breeze.

We did have several bad spots about mid-way through th emarriage. Very nearly divorced about 1980, came very close indeed. But I prayed and fasted and I believe the Lord saved the marriage. Yet after that, we couldn't go back beyond that point in many ways. We still loved each other but the relationship was somehow different. He blamed himself and I blamed me. Still, we put it behind us and had wonderful times together. Until he began to get sick in 1989.

Gradually, his medical problems grew. He lost the job that made him proud and gave him dignity. He lost physical abilities that humiliated him. He couldn't get a good job - so much for taking care of Vets and giving them self-esteem. The VA and you employers out there, you don't give a tinker's damn and never have about the dignity of these men who served you and your country. My husband lost dignity after dignity until there was nothing left for him but a cashier's job we were desperate for. And finally, his health affected the marriage in sad or painful ways that neither of us knew how to deal with and he couldn't face. He had to wear a machine to breath in his sleep... he hated it and stopped. He simply lived in pain from all of it, he in silence and I in anger, hoping to see Sarah grow up. He kept saying it the last two months. Did he know? I begin to think he did.

And I lost sight of it buried beneath an ever increasing weight of responsibilities that had once been shared. I didn't understand what was happening since his back surgery three years ago. I was misdirected by pain medications prescribed by a pill pushing idiot. Pills that probably mask the symptoms of a heart crushed by disappointment and life.

If you know someone who had been on pain meds for more than a year without a serious illness, get help now. That is NOT normal. That is addiction and will kill them. Remind them that pain felt means they are alive. Pain unfelt is death. These medicines affect the heart. Sleep apnea is a death sentence. If you live with a snorer, stay awake and listen to the breathing. If they have brief periods where they stop breathing, get help now, even if you have to threaten divorce. It will kill them. And if they are diagnosed, do not allow pride to stop them from using the machine. If you love them, fight every step of the way. And pray.

The Raveled Sleeve of Care

Macbeth said that sleep knits "the raveled sleeve of care" but I am here to tell you that it isn't true. I'm so tired. I worked here at home all day and I'm as tired as I would have been had I gone to work.I was glad to be out of the office, but as for sleep, I doubt it will ever mend the tears in my soul.

I feel perfectly normal for a moment and then, I turn a corner, glimpse a photo, see a sock, open a drawer, open a door, smell a scent, remember a smile, or a shared joy and hordes of demons come screaming at me and snatch my breath away. I can only gasp, clutch the nearest support, and cover my face in a feeble attempt to hide from the slashes and taunts of memories. A torrent of pain washes over me and everything is twisted and foreign and I'm cast into a place I do not know and where no one knows me.

There is no name for this pain. No word is adequate to describe it. And no sinner ever felt such a weight of guilt, regret, and remorse.

Day 23

Another day ends. I took my meds when I got home and I am suitably numb to most things. I still feel but the panic attacks have abated and now it is just a hollow shell that remains.

The house is deathly quiet. I hear all the clocks ticking. There are two, one in my living room and one in my personal bathroom. I never noticed them before. This afternoon I had to take the battery out of Jerry's clock. It drove me crazy when he was alive. It taunts me now.

I also had to change the sound machine setting. Jerry and I always turned it on to ocean sounds at night to fall asleep to. I am now listening to rain. How stupid is that? I love the ocean sound but can't bear to listen to it. The thought of it brings back unbearable images.

I saw the counselor at 3 and ran over 15 minutes. Bet that cost a bundle. Mostly background information on me. Who I was, where I came from, who my family was, my education. How dysfunctional my family was and is. LOL, I always find that rather interesting to relate. People have such funny expressions when you shock them. Have I ever been depressed, in counseling, etc. Yes.

We discovered we had two mutual friends who were my teachers. And like every person who has ever gotten to know the real me says, he made the comment I believe I've come to consider an insult. "You're a survivor," he said. I told him I was tired of it because it was hard work. He agreed it was. I go back next Friday to see how I am faring and how the meds are working. Call if I feel crazy or something like that.

My sister left a pot of vegetable soup on the stove and I had a bowl when I got home. I watched television and fell asleep for about an hour. I have spent the last hour working on a puzzle that my uncle and I started before I went to Atlanta. Now, I think there is a piece missing. It worried me for some reason. It's a new puzzle but Mike had bought a sofa this week and put it in the den until he could get it to his place. He moved the table over with the puzzle on it. Today he moved the sofa out mussed the puzzle when he moved the table. So, I think the piece is lost as a result of that. I found one piece on a chair. I searched three times for the other piece and can't find it. So, I may not finish the thing.

I put away dishes my sister washed, talked to a fella from the funeral home who wanted to talk to me about pre-planning my own funeral. That's a bit unreal since I don't even have the insurance settled yet. But logic says it is the right thing to consider, in light of recent events.

Huh, logic. I suppose it returns eventually.

I just spent the last 45 minutes talking to Becca and Sarah.

Now, I'm going to get ready for bed. The day is finally over.

I don't know about tomorrow.

Passage of Days

Seems as if the days pass at the speed of a snail. I am muddling along on this new med but feel myself slipping farther and farther behind in my work. I have my appointment with a counselor at 3 p.m. today so we'll see how that goes.

I am going to try and take tomorrow off and take work home so I can just sit and review files. I won't have the forms I need but I can still review the files for missing items.

I get tired, I think, of people saying all the right things. They mean well. I'm not unaware of that. Yes, I know he's in a better place. But I want him here. I know he is not in pain. I didn't want him in pain but I wanted him better here. I wanted my life back. That's what I prayed for over and over. My life was with Jerry. It wasn't without him. I wanted to be able to go to the park on picnics, to the mountains on camping trips, to dinner, to church, to a ride along a country road or a tramp in the woods with him. I wanted all the things we had before he got sick. I want the person who knew all about me. Knew how stubborn I was, all my faults and the good things about me. . .if there were any. For a long time I don't think there have been any good things about me at all. There is no one left who knows me. I was 17 when we married. My links to my past are gone except for my aunt.

If I could just roll the clock back to January 27th with a chance to change even one day I think I could bear it.

A Personal Note

I wanted to come in before I conk out and say with as much lucidity as I have had for several weeks now that you are all a lifeline. Your emails, PM's, and comments are a sort of anchor to sanity and hope. I love you all for that. Do not give up on me, please. I really need you all. If I am not here from time to time, it is not because I don't want to be but because I simply can't find the words. And if I have not read all your posts, it is just because I find myself reading the same words over and over and not understanding them. I'm sorry. I always enjoy your blogs and this is hard for me. I feel disloyal to people who have become so special to me.

I went to the doctor today and asked them to give me a stronger medicine that would still allow me to work. They have given me Xanax and I am to try and see how it works. I fell apart on the way home... again. His suffering, I just keep remembering it and it is agony that I didn't, couldn't help him with it. My husband was suffering so much and I seemed to have missed it. I was so unfeeling but he never said, "I'm in pain. I'm not happy. I need help." When I remember, I want to die. As I drove home I could only cry and pray. I know God would not torment me in this way but my guilt is so overwhelming. Why did I stay so angry with him? Why did I not see what was happening? Why would he not tell me, confide in me? Did he think I didn't care?

Of course, Mike was waiting, as usual, to put his arms around me and just say, "It will be all right, Mom." For those who do not know my oldest son personally, we share a long history of heartache that I do not often share for his sake. Mike was born with learning disabilities, is deaf in one ear, and has some other problems. I believe he is an undiagnosed manic depressive. Our life together has been filled with wounds, struggle, rejection and great difficult with the world around him. He is often not understood or liked by most people he meets. But he is the most faithful and loyal son one could ever wish for. I always know Mike will be there when I am in trouble. He went and got the new med and I took it. And he has stayed here with me. He will go home at ten when his show goes off. Just having him in the house is enough comfort. Pray for my Mike. He struggles with daily living, selling blood to pay for his bills. But he never ask me for a single thing. My sister will stay with me when she gets off.

I'm tired now and will be going to bed, I think, when I finish this post. Something I couldn't do with the Ativan I was taking. It helped my sleep but I couldn't shut off my mind. I think the Xanax is helping a bit better tonight.

I am also scheduled to see a counselor on Thursday afternoon. They feel I will benefit from it and well, I just looked at the nurse practitioner and said, "Just tell me what to do." Not my usual mindset at all. Those of you who do know me, know that no one ever tells me what to do. Jerry knew that, too. I always know what to do. But I don't now. I've never been in this place.

When I got back to work after the doctor's appt, my wonderful boss, only a three years older than my son, talked with me. He felt I came back to work too soon but I told him I had no choice because of the money. He said he understood and wants to work out a work schedule that will give me some extra time to recover. If I need to take a two hour lunch I need only to let him know. He wants me to take a four day work week for a few weeks. I again pointed out I needed the money and it wasn't fair to him to allow my own work to fall behind. He said, "Don't worry about that. I'm going to pay you to be off. Besides, I know you won't take advantage of this. I know you'll work to make it up when you can."

If you read my past posts about my old boss you all know how this touched me. I remember praying that God would send me a good boss. I have to say I think he did. Pray for him because I would feel terrible if his kindness caused him any problem. I plan to bring work home to do this Friday. I think it would be good for me to be away from the office and have something to occupy my time. But he could get in serious trouble for paying me. When I mentioned this, he smiled and said, "I'm not worried about it."

To my new friend blicktx, thank you for your personal messages. They have been comforting and encouraging. Jilly was right, you are a great lady and I am glad to have met you.

I've some added others too during this time and you too have been a comfort. For those who have just popped in to be an encouragement, thank you for you kindness. I will eventually get by your sites to thank you properly.

This post sounds almost normal to me and I can't imagine where it is coming from except this med had relieved some of the anxiety, as it is meant to do. Part of me wants that and another part feels I should be suffering. My only concern is that I won't be able to get off this in a reasonable time. Again, those who know me know I am very anti-medication, particularly mood altering medications. For once, I think I'll forget that.

I"ll say good night now. And thank you all. I don't know when I'll be this sane again but I will post again soon.

Say I love you to those you love before you fall asleep tonight. Call them, long distance if you must. Look in their faces if possible and search below the surface. If you wake up in the night, kiss those close to you. You may never get another chance. Never assume everything is all right.

I forgot the one rule my grandmother taught me. Never let the sun go down on your wrath. Never go to bed angry. Never forget to say I love you before you sleep.

Will he ever forgive me? Will he know how very much I loved him? Will he ever know that I would have done anything to save him if he had only talked to me?

No Choices

My life is filled with them. They say we choose our lot in life. I can only remember one choice that was solely mine. Marrying Jerry, over protest from our families. Going to college in case I had to support us. Moving to this wasteland, the worst choice we ever made.

I don't remember any other choices I ever got to make. In fact, I could count the lack of choices and never reach the end. Things just were what they were and I had to deal with it. The latest is that I have to work. I don't have a choice in this. I can't survive at all if I don't. Jerry's income kept us afloat and gave us an ability to breath. Jerry's death has taken my ability to breath and the income that kept us afloat with it. I don't know what I'm going to do, or how I will manage. And for the first time in memory, I find that I don't actually care. It just doesn't matter much today.

I want to go home and sleep. I'm so tired. It's just noon and already I just want to sleep. I want to forget everything.

Home

I got in about 5 p.m. and unloaded the car. Mike left as soon as he got his car loaded and went home. So, I am here alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

At just that point my phone rang. My aunt called, then I called one of my college friends that had left a message while I was away. While on the phone with her, my brother Bill called. After I hung up, my brother-in-law called. So the last two hours were spent talking to people. I think that is my only salvation at the time.

I'm still alone and I think I will just get my bath and get ready for bed. I have to go to work tomorrow. I don't know how to do anything, it seems. I feel as if time has just stopped or is crawling by. Or maybe actually speeding by.

How very empty my home is. No one is here.

Away for a Few Days

I am leaving today for Atlanta. Mike is going to help me drive and because I can't be alone at this point. I will return either Sunday or Monday.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Three Weeks in Hell

I don't know if I'll ever get home without falling apart. I did manage to stay in control until I went to the pharmacy to pick up my refills. The pharmacy where Jerry worked for two years. When I got home I got Mike to go get us some supper. I sat down to send a note to someone and I so wanted to see him. So, I went to the memorial slide show. I don't think it is good for me to look at the memorial photos anymore. I shattered into a million pieces. All I could do was scream. If I'd been in public I'd have been so humiliated but I couldn't stop. I suppose it is good that my neighbors are so far away and I am the last house on a dead end street.

I am overwhelmed with guilt and I don't know how to stop. Every minute of that last day and the night up to the minute he died and my feeble attempts to do CPR play over and over. I see every thing, hear every word and sound. I see him shoveling the snow and smiling at me playing in it like a kid. I relive every unkind word, every hurtful thing I ever did to him, every time I yelled at him, every misunderstanding, every failure to grasp what was happening to him roars at me like a tidal wave and I am completely helpless to stop it. I hate myself. Not that's too mild a term. I despise myself. This man loved me beyond any thing I deserved and during the worst time of his life I failed him. I lost him because I didn't pay attention to the signs of heart failure. I KNOW this stuff! Do you hear me? I KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE. I SAW THEM! But I was so angry with him. He wouldn't do the things that helped him get better. He took pain killers. I now realize they were to stop the pain he didn't realize was heart pains. Why did that doctor now investigate where this pain was coming from?

My poor Mike, walked back in and found me. I think he nearly dropped our dinner. He did what he could and finally called my uncle. They want me to come there for a couple of days. So, I may drive to Atlanta tomorrow to spend the next several days with them. I have to be back to work on Tuesday. I think I'll have to take Mike with me because being alone is not good right now. I can't deal with the voices and the pictures in my mind. They're worse when I'm alone.

My sister, Phyllis, is here tonight. She is very sick, though, and I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. She has this terrible cold but she gets bronchitis very badly every year. She has no insurance at all so it is going to cost a mint but I can't let her stay sick like this.

I need to stop now. I'm very tired. I'm sorry this is so depressing. I'll try and do better next time.

An Empty House

I did not do well at work today. Around noon I just broke apart. I had to close my door and it was nearly half an hour before I recovered enough to finish the day.

I asked Mike to come over and be here when I got home so the house wouldn't seem so empty but before I ever got home I was sobbing so badly that I had to get control of myself so I could drive. Mike met me at the door and hug me and let me cry on his shoulder. Once I got back under control I took a hot shower and ate a pizza.

Over the weekend I had bought a lot of puzzles. I always loved doing them but have not in several years. My uncle likes them too and we spent several days working on puzzles. I realized it kept my mind occupied.So, I went and bought some. Tonight I tried putting together a puzzle my sister and uncle had started on Saturday. I have just cried for hours it seems and when I realized the puzzle had done all it could and I simply could no longer focus on it, I came to check my mail before going to bed.

I am simply exhausted. It is a tired I can't ever remember experiencing before. Every step is an effort, every thought a strain. Everyone keeps calling and checking on me and that is nice to know. I just don't know what to say. Are you all right? No. I exist.

Let me say all you that have stopped and expressed your concern and offered your prayers, I am so very grateful and I do read them. They have let me know that there are people praying and at the moment, I don't have much else going for me. So, thank you for both prayers and compassion. I wish I could hug you all.

I'm going to bed now. I just can't really think anymore tonight.

Back to Work

I went back to work to day to be greeted with mounds of paperwork. It was depressing and almost overwhelming. I had to leave early to meet with the Social Security Administration regarding a death benefit they pay toward burial cost. It is small but every dollar helps.

I'm just getting ready for bed. My aunt, uncle and sister, Roselynn are all still here. They have all caught that awful cold I had. I had a relapse after Jerry died and had to get antibiotics. Tonight they all are taking antibiotics.

Everyone has been very kind and my family had just been wonderful. My brothers have been calling nearly every day and though I have missed their calls at times, I am so touched that they have shown their concern. During the worst days of my life, they surrounded me and that was the greatest blessing to me. They are not all living for God but they are such wonderful brothers and sisters. I love them all so much.

I am . . . moving forward. I can't say improving. I can't say coping. I don't think either word conveys what I feel. I am in a fog moving forward, hands extended and praying that somewhere ahead is something solid that will give me stability. There are moments that I wish I could reach out and there he would be. I'd grab his hand and cling for life. But I feel him moving farther away each day. I can't describe this. There is a growing void, a hollowness. I say sometimes, "Jerry, please come home." He can't, of course, but I want him to come home.

At 9:30 p.m. last night no one had to tell me what time it was. I asked my sister, "It's 9:30, isn't it?" She nodded. I said, "I thought so." It was time to pick him up from work.

Everyone says the same things to me. I understand but they are so meaningless. It will get better. You'll feel better. But I feel as if I am simply moving through that fog.

I'm really tired tonight and I am going to go to bed. I have been unable to get some of the images out of my head and sleep has not been good some nights. I am certified in CPR and first aid but I have to tell you that never, ever, ever, ever will I administer CPR again. I am required to be certified at my job but I will never use it again. It was the most terrible experience I've ever had and I am unable to shut out the memories of that night.

Pray for me. I know that God is with me. I know he cares. I know he is watching over me. I just can't move another step because I don't know what direction to move in.

What Do I Say?

I am stopping in to thank all my friends here who have sent their condolences over the past two weeks. I don't know what I can say to any of you. I am so very sad that there are no words to express it and I can't think of anything I to say. What does one say in moments like this? And where does one go from here? I am so lost and confused. I just want him to come home. I want to wake up and find it is all a very bad dream..

The Beauty of the Storm

I am only publishing this today because I found it in my draft box. I had begun it on the 28th of January, the morning after the storm hit. Hours later, the world shifted on its axis.

Last night and this morning we had a serious ice storm, the effects of which are still being felt. No electricity, no heat, no way to get to a safe location are fears many are still facing. During the night, I remembered the words "Let not your flight be in winter." Those are the words of Jesus from the New Testament and he is speaking of the last days when troubles will abound and the world will be in chaos - a storm so to speak. I understood it in a new way last night as I went to bed. I looked out my window and saw the ice falling and that which was already on the ground glistened in the light as if it were a sheet of glass. I prayed for my own power to stay on. So far, that prayer was answered although a few minutes ago I saw the power team across the street.

Life is filled with storms of all types. We are often surrounded and overwhelmed by the torture and frustration that a storm brings. In the middle of the storm we see only the darkness, the raging winds, rain, or the frozen landscape. We are surrounded by dangers and fear eats away at our mind until we feel the need to run as far and as fast as possible. We must escape.

It is difficult to see beauty in a storm. If you've read my post "Out Running the Storm" you know I find storm of any type beautiful. I love them. All that power and me right in the middle of it. Awesome. And dangerous. And foolhardy.

This morning, Jerry went out to try and shovel a path and the drive. While he was out there, I pulled on my snow boots, my coat and gloves and grabbed my camera. I was awestruck at the beautiful yard I now possess. Everything is glazed in ice and frosted with snow. The sun sparkles off every branch, ever wire, every rusty bucket and the world appear created from diamonds. In moments I am nearly blind and I have not sunglasses but I immediately began to take photographs. The world through that small square is a different world. You immediately begin to see what a treasure it is. The hedges are from a fairy tale, branches iced and frosted look like feathers. Just as the sun peeked out I took the shot. The back fence is an interesting puzzle with a tiny snow mound in square of the fence. The yard is a smooth blanket of white, untouched by scars or dirt. Trees that never touch the ground have bowed beneath their weight of ice, as if in homage to the creator talents. For this is where the beauty of the storm lies.

Resolutions

The kids can get the car out and will be coming over here for the day. I still have to get my sister out but I will just have to go get her if necessary. Her house has to be cold because she always turns her heat back when she goes to work and she was out since about one yesterday afternoon and just got home around seven.

I'm not feeling well this morning and I think I am going to lie down. I still have this cold and that coupled with a lack of sleep has left me feeling bad.

I think the roads will be clearer by tonight and maybe power will be restored by tomorrow. I am praying for my power line to have a thaw! That ice is unreal. Looks like about an inch on top of the lines.

Let It Snow... He Did!

I wish I had a digital camera so I could post photos! This is crazy. I may go shoot some film and get it developed this weekend! I have about a foot in my yard and street. My little Focus isn't going anywhere soon. I am snowed in and it is still falling. Under all that snow is about two to three inches of ice. Part of my mimosa tree in the back yard broke about 2 a.m. this morning and woke me. My power line into the house hangs immediately beneath this tree. If the limb over it snaps, both power and phone service will be out. I have a gas heater in the shed that didn't want to work last winter and we took it out to have it serviced but my brilliant spouse failed to get it serviced.... so, we can hook it back up but not sure it would work.

107,000 people are without power in our area and I can't get ahold of my kids. I don't know what their status is. My last word was that the power went out in their area and they have two children with them. They kept a baby for a friend last night because the friend had to take her other child to the hospital. They have cell phones but their service said their towers are down. I still have power and pray it continues. My sister worked all night and arrived at her house to find she has no power. I've been trying to get Becca's mother, who is my sister's tenant, but there cell phone is down. She has a truck and could get in to see about Dave and Becca.

Well, this serves no purpose but to let you all know what is going on. I intend to take the mimosa tree down this summer. This is not the first time I worried about the power like and that tree. It is going to drive me crazy because I can't get out of here easily if the power is out.

Finally word from the kids. The power is out and we are trying to find a way to get them here. My sister got in from work and her power is out too. I will have to get them all over here. AND I have no beds! No carpet! They will be doing the old fashioned pallet sleep tonight unless the roads get cleared and the power back on. The cabs are running but it is a 2 hour delay for priority runs such as this where children are involved. David feels he can get the car out and is going to make a trial run to be sure. He doesn't want to get stranded in the car with the kids.

I'm off for now but will be back later to let you know how things are going. Pray for those with out heat and transportation.

Hie Ho, Hie Ho. . . In Rain or Sleet or Snow

Yes, folks. I am at work today. I woke up to about three or four inches of ice, not snow and slid gracefully out of my drive and to work without mishap. Thank you, Lord!

It is cold and nasty. The stuff falling now is neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow but somewhere in the middle. When it hits you it make a kind of plop and then it is cold and wet. I suspect after dark this will make a sort of hard frosting on the ice pellets on the ground. Lovely!

I was so sick all weekend. This is a nasty cold. I finally had to break down this morning and take my last Imitrex. I stopped at the pharmacy on the way to work and had it refilled. I wasn't sure one would do it. I've battled a headache all weekend but it wasn't like a migraine. It was all in my forehead and just pounded when I coughed. Tylenol helped a bit and actually relieved my very sore shoulder joint. LOL! The doctor has me scheduled for physical therapy for that shoulder! It's almost completely pain free now.

I did have sense enough to bring my lunch in today. I've just finished a ham sandwich and a blueberry muffin. I also brought my Bible with me so I could keep up with my readings. I believe I mentioned once before that I am trying to read it through again this year. I always start well but get off track at about three months. So, I'm taking extra steps to prevent any lags.

I do think anyone who says they are educated should read the Bible at least one time. Not just because you are a Christian. Much of the developed world has societies based on the principles and formulas found in the Bible. The King James Version of the Bible is a beautifully written text and the English language takes quotes from it and they are still in use today. Did you know that "by the skin of my teeth" comes from the Bible? Yep, the book of Job. Hmm, maybe I'll do a post sometime of the strange and enduring phrases that we English speaking folks get from the Good Book. If I can remember the all!

It is true that the language is dated and often difficult for many to read but this is only because education had fallen short of teaching the language to begin with. But there are more modern translations that are easier to read. And there are these things called dictionaries that are a tremendous help! Also, there is a great deal of wisdom to be found in the pages of the Bible. My grandmother used to say that if you had a question about life the answer could always be found in the Bible. I've never found that to be untrue. It covers just about every conceivable dysfunction known to man from psychotics to murderous children, to rebellious teenagers and adulterous spouses. And when society was following the ten commandments the world was a safer place.

Now I'll get hate male from weirdos.

O.k. I'm running out of lunch hour now so I have to get off here. Hope you all have a good day free from ice and cold. Well, at least ice!

Always Catching Something

As I said, I've caught a nasty cold. Headache, sore throat, coughing, sneezing, runny nose all the usual. I had an appointment with the R. A. doctor this morning and was going in to work. I didn't make it to work. I came home and went to bed. I've slept about three hours. I don't feel only slightly better with the headache easing a bit but not a whole lot. I MUST go to work tomorrow even if the snow is above the roof tops. I've been hearing it is going to be 5-10 inches! Well, there is a pile of work higher than that on my desk that must be finished this week.



Now, for something positive that I caught. I've posted a review and a link of the podcast I've been listening to. Run over and have a look. I just love the story! If you like mysteries you'll like this. If you like The Lord of the Rings, you'll like this. If you like both, you'll love this! Actually, while there is a LOTR feel with the wizards and magic the mystery is the jewel of the story. I'm up to Chapter 38 and I can't figure out whodunit! That's not usual for me and so I respect anyone who can keep me guessing that long.

Anyway, take a look at the review and visit Holyfield's site. I told him I'd post the link and the review. He kindly sent me a graphic to put with the review. Yes, I emailed him to tell him how much I have enjoyed his book. And he responded almost immediately! Amazing courtesy but he's a southern boy so I expected it. LOL. But it really is good. I'm waiting for the next chapter now and he said it was due out today. I've spent two weeks listening to it. I suspect I'll be buying the book. I do hope he does another using the two main characters. I really like them.

Onward, my friends. I took more meds for the cold and I've just had a cup of hot coffee. My head seems to have eased off slightly so I am going to find something to do. I may have my son take me to the office. I don't want to but two hours is better than none. I've lost 8 hours of vacation time for this! Drat!

Cleaning Demons

I need about three of them. Well, I'd rather have cleaning angels if there is such a thing. I've no idea where the term cleaning demon comes from and am too tired to look it up. This cold makes me tired and I've been cleaning since I got up, well, actually, I started after I paid bills. That's exhausting work in and of itself.

Anyway, I took down my curtains in the study and tossed them in the dryer to shake out the dust and I washed the sheers so they would be clean and dust free. I wiped down the window frames, too as the dust had been hiding quite effectively there. I realized at that point exactly what a cleaning demon is and how easy it is to let them get out of control. I had to force myself to stay on track or end up all over the house cleaning in spots that caught my eye.

I had to stop and take Jerry to work, take Mike to the second hand store see if they had a sofa he could buy with his voucher. They didn't so we try again in a week. I went to the bread store and picked up a load of bread. Now, I'm waiting for the second set of curtains to shake out and my small lunch to warm up.

I know this is the absolutely most boring post I have ever read. But I honestly feel my brain is fried. I am going to sit down with food and listen to another episode of my pod-cast The Murder at Avedon Hill, by P. G. Holyfield. This is a free pod-cast of a novel and I am really into it now and enjoying it. I had no idea there were so many free pod-cast out there but there are. This is certainly worth it. I can sit here and do other things like clean shelves or even crochet if I wanted to while it plays. Once I'm done with this I think I will be listening to the old radio shows again until I find something else like this novel.

Now, I'm off for a bit. I think the lack of content is probably due to the amount of time I've been spending on here. And I have really fell off in the constructive writing.

Wake up and get busy now with something more interesting. Hope you are all having a lovely day. The sun is beautiful today but it is 29 degrees and colder than a well digger's ankles.

Bug Season

It's cold. But most of you know that.

I have a cold. Drat! Someone has not been washing their hands and I've touched something, somewhere and picked up the virus. My Sarah has it, too. I suspect one of us passed it to the other.

I don't go anywhere but to work and I try really hard not to handle things without washing my hands. But I work in a agency than handles the paperwork for about 2000 people and let me tell you, there are times when I am not sure what they've been doing with it.

So now, I have caught something from someone.

I watched Fringe the other night. It had these freaky . . . bugs on it that were ingested (fed to the victim in a glass of water) in powder for and then immediately grew and killed their host . When they came out they were as big as rats. No I didn't know that would happen when I watch it! Anyway, later the scientist reveals that the bug was a strain of the common cold. As a side note, Sarah was on my lap watching and we both had the same expression on our faces when the bug first appeared. YUK! I cracked up at her expression because it was such a mirror of my own. But I quickly told her it was a bug before I knew and she was happy with that explanation. But I don't think she'll be watching Fringe with me again. Fringe science is a bit over her head at the moment. However, her mother told me today that Sarah had asked to watch the bug movie with Mawmaw. LOL! So, maybe I'll have a movie buddy after all. No one in the family likes the shows I like and it gets lonely watching them alone.

I started this at work this morning and am finishing it up at home. I think the cold is worse. Stuff nose, sore throat, tired feeling. Yep, it's a bug.

So, I'll go for now. I hope you are all spared any colds for the rest of the winter. I think I've gotten rather far without it and had hoped to miss it altogether. Alas, 'twas not to be.

By y'all.

Recovery

I stayed home today. RA meds have not caught up to my pain level and I have a migraine starting. Thankfully, I can take that if need be. I've taken all the other things last night and this a.m. so I hope by tomorrow things will be a bit more comfortable. I think my biggest problem is just being off some of the meds so long. Actually, I feel better than expected. This is not a pain I don't understand but one I'm "used" to, if that a term I can apply.

I had a rather good evening sitting listening to a pod-cast of The Murder at Avedon Hill on my computer. I've discovered ITunes has some really neat podcasts. Since I don't have an IPod I can only listen at my computer but that's o.k. It gives me a way to do something else if I like but I didn't.

I must admit to not doing enough writing last night. I wasted several hours that I could have been tying up loose ends in Mist. I won't do that again. I need a good kick in the pants and get back on track. I've been a bit off for the last week. I've spent too much time blogging and answering emails and playing games. I don't usually let that get out of hand but for some reason I did. Sometimes I just don't pay attention and others I get too involved in things that are just a waste of time.

I did get the bookcases sorted out. Now I can start on another project in my path to organization. I'm in a disposal mood and I better make the most of it. It may not last long. I have a lot of computer stuff that needs sorting out. What do I keep and what to get rid of? Cables are probably a good thing to keep at this point. My old web-cam with out a mic? It works fine but I have this one with a built in mic and so I don't need it. {shrug} something will come up.

I feel as if The End of Winter has hit a snag. I'm floundering between the latest chapter and the endings which are basically already written. I am not sure what to do and it is driving me a bit crazy.

I think I'll go get some breakfast now and maybe something will come to me. I have a couple of things I should do while I am home but I need to pet this headache a bit. Catch you all later.

Thanks so much for all your good wishes, prayers and encouragement. It was nice to know you were all out there . . . for me.