Thursday, February 19, 2009

Passage of Days

Seems as if the days pass at the speed of a snail. I am muddling along on this new med but feel myself slipping farther and farther behind in my work. I have my appointment with a counselor at 3 p.m. today so we'll see how that goes.

I am going to try and take tomorrow off and take work home so I can just sit and review files. I won't have the forms I need but I can still review the files for missing items.

I get tired, I think, of people saying all the right things. They mean well. I'm not unaware of that. Yes, I know he's in a better place. But I want him here. I know he is not in pain. I didn't want him in pain but I wanted him better here. I wanted my life back. That's what I prayed for over and over. My life was with Jerry. It wasn't without him. I wanted to be able to go to the park on picnics, to the mountains on camping trips, to dinner, to church, to a ride along a country road or a tramp in the woods with him. I wanted all the things we had before he got sick. I want the person who knew all about me. Knew how stubborn I was, all my faults and the good things about me. . .if there were any. For a long time I don't think there have been any good things about me at all. There is no one left who knows me. I was 17 when we married. My links to my past are gone except for my aunt.

If I could just roll the clock back to January 27th with a chance to change even one day I think I could bear it.

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